It's impossible to teach teenagers that premarital sex is a bad, dirty, shameful thing without teaching them that all sex is a bad, dirty, shameful thing. If anything is going to cause a public health problem, it's that, because people who think that sex is a bad, dirty, shameful thing are much more likely to be too ashamed of themselves to buy condoms. Buying condoms is admitting that you're having sex.
@lynxwings: I haven't ever had to buy condoms though, they give them out to the 14-24 crowd.
And the best way I've heard of teaching kids not to have sex is to have their parents talk about how much THEY like having sex. Then they'll be super grossed out by the idea and ever time they start getting freaky they'll imagine their parents and BAM! Instant boner control. Once they're mature enough to accept the fact that their parents had a sex life and seperate their own they're mature enough to have sex.
@PilgrimSoul: drae I say "I believe marriage is an institution between two unwilling people, regardless of age"
I know this is only my opinion but I never understood how it ended up that a financial agreement (aka: marriage) ended up having all these romantic connotations. Marriage was created and implemented as a "security agreement" and "child-bearing contract" not "love til death do us part"
@BearDownCBears: i'm grumbling about marriage because I, personally, do not believe in it - just stating an opinion not attempting to enter a discourse is appendages : )
I feel like the whole abstinence thing needs a update. I'd like to see sex ed that says sex when you are 12-14 might not be the best thing, sex when you are 15-18 might be fun but teenage boys can be assholes and are generally bad in bed, so if you are not ready, you're not missing much, and sex from 18 until you get married at age 30 should be encouraged.
@treecut...Grim Reaper of the forest: Yes, especially to the "teenage boys can be assholes." I know not all are, but those won't be the ones pressuring you to have sex. Chances are, teenage asshole is NOT going to "the one" and he WILL leave you broken-hearted, confused and in turmoil.
PS- those teenage asshole-types will leave you broken-hearted and in turmoil whether you sleep with them or not.
@Crabby Cakes wants some Dance Biscuits.: Teenage girls can also be assholes, and teenage boys can be not ready. Real talk. But they are easily convinced, especially if the persuader has boobs.
@sumerfish: @FrannyG: Oh, I agree, I was just aiming that impromptu sex ed curriculum at the young ladies. For boys, it would read that teenage girls can be jerks and might dump you two weeks later for that hot soccer player in English class.
Also, I used to get very very anxious and pray aggressively after I'd have sex with my boyfriend (as a 20 year old!!) in college. I'd want to do it but thought it was a sin, then I'd do it and feel horribly guilty about it. Yeah, real great pathology to overcome.
@badmutha: I didn't think I was the only one but I was super paranoid that I'd go to hell for the sin of premarital sex and even more upset because my boyfriend was (and is - we're still together) an atheist and I just KNEW he'd be in hell.
How is it a good thing that teens who are GOING to have sex view safe sex as bad?! Oh, I know, because when they eventually break their stupid purity promises, they'll get the punishment they so richly deserve for being naughty.
My mom raised me with a "sex is something you wait to do with someone you love, don't ever feel like you have to give someone a blowjob, make sure you've really talked it out" approach....but when I told her I'd had sex and wanted to marry my boyfriend she said "What, am I supposed to be glad you're not sleeping around and getting VDs?"
So...um... maybe pick an approach and stick with it?
@Mkp-hearts-NYC: I was looking for my Cipro prescription yesterday for the UTI I currently have and my mother looked at me and said, "You had sex with him already?? You've been on, like, 4 dates! No wonder you have slept with 800 people!"
I told her that 800 people was not even a rational number, and one that is reserved for people in sex work mostly. So she sighed and said, "Fine. 100 people." I assured her that is wasn't even half of that, but thanks for calling me a slut, Mom!
@Mkp-hearts-NYC: My mom found out I was having sex BECAUSE I got a VD, (I kept saying STD and she didn't know what that was,) and I wasn't sleeping around, my ex may or may not have cheated and he may or may not have known he even had HPV, but whatever. My mom was uber-supportive and awesome, so thank god for that.
@KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins: Try Lutheranism, it's like Catholic Lite! My first hookup was in a sleeping bag at a church lock-in, and our youth group's "sex talk" one sunday basically consisted of our pastor telling us that sex was special, not to take it lightly, and be smart about it. Works for me!
@KathrynwithaY loves Joan Collins: Clearly you have never been around Southern Baptists. At Baylor, the largest Baptist university in the world, girls are expelled if they turn up pregnant, and they can not reapply to get back in. No shit, true story.
I lost my virginity in my early/mid 20's and I was the ONLY virgin that all my friends knew at that time. That includes so-called "conservatives." I didn't have sex for multiple reasons but the two main ones were:
1. Self-respect. I had dated anyone long enough to believe that they weren't going to dump me the next day.
2. Fear of STDs. A close family member of mine died of AIDS when I was a teenager. Watching someone you love die of AIDS is the biggest contraceptive you can get. My last boyfriend tried to get me to have sex without condoms and all that came out in response was "My [relative] died of AIDS." And there was this silence and then "ok, condom it is"
And I'm as liberal as they come (except for my apparent "conservative" views on Israel which is weird...but whatever).
@sarahxo: Everyone is entitled to have their own beliefs, and I commend you for standing up for what you feel is right. However, as you get older, fall in love for the first time, and generally mature you may feel differently. And that's okay. The only thing I would ask is that you do read the facts, understand why you hold those beliefs, and if you can defend them and believe in them, then I say go for it!
But if you do decide to have sex before marriage, don't beat yourself up over it! Lots of us have done it, and we are still good people :)
@sarahxo: I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to wait until marriage because thats part of what you believe. But don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen, life is long and twisty.
@sarahxo: I grew up Catholic and I didn't lose my virginity until my late teens (19 to be precise) which was a lot later than my friends but I don't regret that.
As it turns out I had premarital sex and I'm glad about that because I didn't meet the man I loved until later and if I'd married the first one then we'd have been divorced by now.
Anyway what I really wanted to say is that you should certainly wait until it feels right and is with the right person and if that happens with marriage than great but don't feel guilty if it doesn't because the God I was raised with is a forgiving God and I don't believe he wastes his time condemning people for sex outside marriage.
The whole point of Catholicism is the possibility of redemption rather than endless guilt. In my opinion anyway.
@sarahxo: There's nothing wrong with having beliefs and convictions. I used to share your beliefs, back when I was a teenager. You may continue to have them throughout your adult life, or you may change your mind. If you do change your mind, there's no shame in it.
@sarahxo: Former Catholic teen here. The trick is - your belief in birth control (which I share wholeheartedly) goes completely against our faith. During Pre-Cana it took every ounce of self-control that I had not to point out that "Natural Family Planning" "manipulates" fertility (which is the problem with ye olde birth control!).
I feel so bad about the guilt you would feel, but I totally felt some of it up until I got married. Sucks. By the way - I'm going to hell. So your former Catholic teen is now kind of a dabbling in Catholicism late 20-something.
@sarahxo: Here's what my mom told me and it served me well. Don't have sex until you know that after, if he/ she just walked away forever, you'd still be glad you did it. Have it when you would have no regrets. And double birth control (pill & condom) will help :)
@sarahxo: And btw - marital sex is pretty awesome. There's nothing wrong with waiting. I wouldn't let your guard down because you may feel weird about the belief that you hold. :)
@sarahxo: I was you 10 years ago. Um, 15 year ago. Yeah. I keep forgetting I'm old. :)
This is overshare, but I ended up having engaged sex. After talking it over with my spiritual-director nun. I was almost 23. There was birth control. I felt good about all those decisions -- the waiting, the having, the BC. The not-pledge making because it's squicky. :)
The most important factor in my decision, which sounds like it's probably an important factor in yours, is that I knew my values and I knew my VALUE as a person. So I was content to make my decision in my own way in my own time, despite frequently feeling like the last virgin on the planet. (Which I now know was totally not true.)
I never really felt like any of my friends were making a bad decision or a wrong decision when they did decide to have premarital sex, as long as they used the same criteria I did -- they knew their values (which, while different from mine, were still good values) and their value as a person. The only ones I was uncomfortable with were the ones who were making the decision out of fear or pressure or something like that.
@WaltzingMatilda(theOriginal): Meh. 80% of American Catholics use birth control and some percentage of those who aren't using it are actively attempting to get pregnant. You're pretty hard-pressed to find a priest who'll get up at you about it unless you've got a really conservative one. The US Church has basically quietly taken the position it's a personal decision. You could get the pill prescribed "for regularity" from the moment it was available at Catholic hospitals (until we started trying for a family, I got mine from a local Catholic hospital); in 1975, when my parents did pre-Cana, their priest told them, "You're not supposed to use birth control but you probably should. Everybody does. Confess it if you end up feeling bad about it."
We got the same NFP spiel in pre-Cana but I felt free to ignore it since I knew it was totally pro-forma.
@sarahxo: You gotta do what is best for you. I had "engaged" sex with my first husband and to me it made a difference because for the first time fooling around felt right enough to go all the way.
@Eyebrows McGee: My priest, during our pre-marital counseling, said 'you both know the Church's teaching on children and birth control? Fine, we don't need to discuss that further.' I'm totally comfortable with accepting my Church's teaching on the sancitity of life and still choosing to use birth control in my daily life. I don't think God will condemn for choosing to not be a baby factory (I have 3 kids, btw)
@bitchyolympian: I loved my priest in my pre-marital counseling (which in my diocese is awesomely kept separate from the pre-cana misery) when he pretty much noted that we shared the same address and just glossed over it and barely mentioned sex. I was so relieved. I was not going to lie to him and was thankful not to have to talk about it.
@sarahxo: i read a really great interview with a priest where he said, "you know, it doesn't say anywhere in the Bible that you can't use birth control if you're having nonmarital sex." then he went on to say people shouldn't be making babies with strangers and stuff.
i just want you to know that it's really tough being Catholic right now, and our religion is notorious for endless ways to sin. but if you have premarital sex, it's not wrong. sex is a beautiful thing. and it's fun. when the time is right, you'll know.
Was Dr. Healy smoking crack when she summed that study up? How is a sense of guilt about having sex a good thing? Likewise how are these kids safer because they are having "less" sex? safer=condom.
@bluebears: I know right! "Less" sex isn't safer, really, it only takes one time for something to go wrong. Condoms people! They should be free and handed out at all sorts of places.
And! How can anyone be guilty about fucking? Safe fucking is wonderful and fun and feels awfully good.
Hey everyone! You know that really fun thing that you enjoy doing a lot that isn't hurting anyone? It's dirty and wrong. You should feel bad about it. Because God doesn't like fucking.
@morninggloria: Basically that is what they have been putting in kids heads. I have always been straight with my daughter and educated her about everything, but she goes to a Catholic school and her friends feel the same way: Sex before marriage is skanky.
@morninggloria: God LOVES sex! It was in our marriage benediction. No lie! It's all prettied up in churchy language, but the Catholic benediction tells you to do it, do it lots, and have fun doing it. Which is also, incidentally, what our priest told us. :)
@morninggloria: Catholic upbringing here which means being exposed to LOADS of sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll. Anyway, I decided I wasn't going to have sex in high school because everyone in HS seemed like a douchebag. But MAN, once I got into college, watch out. Sex = good times (for me anyway).
@bluebears: The US is not a happy medium place. Most people can't handle happy mediums, as it challenges their beliefs, and makes people very uncomfortable.
@HokeyPokey: I feel cheated - I had a Catholic upbringing - sex exposure, yes, but no drugs anywhere. I saw drugs for the first time waaaay too late in life.
But, seriously, we can't get anyone to come to the table on some of this stuff. God knows I wish we could. I don't want minisparks to have to deal with all this shit. She's a happy, masturbating little girl, who I hope will grow to be a happy, sexually curious & active with whomever girl and woman. I will not allow ANYONE to make her feel bad about any of it.
@Eyebrows McGee: Did the priest say it during the service, in front of all your friends and families? Did your husbands family audibly gasp when the priest suggested you should let God into your bedroom and start a dynasty?
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*perplexed*
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And the best way I've heard of teaching kids not to have sex is to have their parents talk about how much THEY like having sex. Then they'll be super grossed out by the idea and ever time they start getting freaky they'll imagine their parents and BAM! Instant boner control. Once they're mature enough to accept the fact that their parents had a sex life and seperate their own they're mature enough to have sex.
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Of course, I went to Catholic school.
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I know this is only my opinion but I never understood how it ended up that a financial agreement (aka: marriage) ended up having all these romantic connotations. Marriage was created and implemented as a "security agreement" and "child-bearing contract" not "love til death do us part"
But I digress
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btw
+ Watch video
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PS- those teenage asshole-types will leave you broken-hearted and in turmoil whether you sleep with them or not.
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Oh, I know, because when they eventually break their stupid purity promises, they'll get the punishment they so richly deserve for being naughty.
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So...um... maybe pick an approach and stick with it?
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I told her that 800 people was not even a rational number, and one that is reserved for people in sex work mostly. So she sighed and said, "Fine. 100 people." I assured her that is wasn't even half of that, but thanks for calling me a slut, Mom!
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Oh moms.
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1. Self-respect. I had dated anyone long enough to believe that they weren't going to dump me the next day.
2. Fear of STDs. A close family member of mine died of AIDS when I was a teenager. Watching someone you love die of AIDS is the biggest contraceptive you can get. My last boyfriend tried to get me to have sex without condoms and all that came out in response was "My [relative] died of AIDS." And there was this silence and then "ok, condom it is"
And I'm as liberal as they come (except for my apparent "conservative" views on Israel which is weird...but whatever).
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I'm uh
uhh
a teen who is Catholic and therefore doesn't believe in premarital sex.
I think.
Although I certainly believe in birth control!
Anyway, I wouldn't take a pledge, I mean, that kinda squicks me out. But I know that I would get guilty feelings if I had sex now.
So yeah, just my input.
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But if you do decide to have sex before marriage, don't beat yourself up over it! Lots of us have done it, and we are still good people :)
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As it turns out I had premarital sex and I'm glad about that because I didn't meet the man I loved until later and if I'd married the first one then we'd have been divorced by now.
Anyway what I really wanted to say is that you should certainly wait until it feels right and is with the right person and if that happens with marriage than great but don't feel guilty if it doesn't because the God I was raised with is a forgiving God and I don't believe he wastes his time condemning people for sex outside marriage.
The whole point of Catholicism is the possibility of redemption rather than endless guilt. In my opinion anyway.
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I feel so bad about the guilt you would feel, but I totally felt some of it up until I got married. Sucks. By the way - I'm going to hell. So your former Catholic teen is now kind of a dabbling in Catholicism late 20-something.
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:]
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This is overshare, but I ended up having engaged sex. After talking it over with my spiritual-director nun. I was almost 23. There was birth control. I felt good about all those decisions -- the waiting, the having, the BC. The not-pledge making because it's squicky. :)
The most important factor in my decision, which sounds like it's probably an important factor in yours, is that I knew my values and I knew my VALUE as a person. So I was content to make my decision in my own way in my own time, despite frequently feeling like the last virgin on the planet. (Which I now know was totally not true.)
I never really felt like any of my friends were making a bad decision or a wrong decision when they did decide to have premarital sex, as long as they used the same criteria I did -- they knew their values (which, while different from mine, were still good values) and their value as a person. The only ones I was uncomfortable with were the ones who were making the decision out of fear or pressure or something like that.
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Word.
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We got the same NFP spiel in pre-Cana but I felt free to ignore it since I knew it was totally pro-forma.
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i just want you to know that it's really tough being Catholic right now, and our religion is notorious for endless ways to sin. but if you have premarital sex, it's not wrong. sex is a beautiful thing. and it's fun. when the time is right, you'll know.
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Maybe it's the "biological" part that upsets conservatives, it sounds so science-y.
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Hey everyone! You know that really fun thing that you enjoy doing a lot that isn't hurting anyone? It's dirty and wrong. You should feel bad about it. Because God doesn't like fucking.
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Nuance is tricky, hell, pretty much anywhere.
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But, seriously, we can't get anyone to come to the table on some of this stuff. God knows I wish we could. I don't want minisparks to have to deal with all this shit. She's a happy, masturbating little girl, who I hope will grow to be a happy, sexually curious & active with whomever girl and woman. I will not allow ANYONE to make her feel bad about any of it.
12/30/08
Are you my SIL??