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Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?

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almiepie
12/06/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
When I say everyone is different, I mean the men I've been with. With some I've had to use my hand for clitoral stimulation, others not at all, some can make me come from oral, others can spend hours and just leave me raw and bored.

A guy I was with tried putting on a condom like it was a sock and was wearing the wrong condom size. What was his dysfunction?
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whats_in_a_name
12/06/08

@almiepie: Like he unrolled it and then tried to put it on by pulling it over his peen? Because that just seems like it would probably be a rather uncomfortable process on top of not being good for the condom.
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sumerfish
12/06/08

@whats_in_a_name: ...and then he put his shoe on, too.
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whats_in_a_name
12/06/08

@sumerfish: would the treads count as being ribbed for her pleasure?
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Aesop's Foibles. YES.
12/06/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
I've never had an orgasm from any kind of sex, with anyone. Ever. I have been taking bc since I became sexually active at 15. I've been taking anti-seizure meds for a year. The neuro meds affected my periods i.e. I got my period like every five minutes, so my gyno switched me to seasonique (4 per year) and other than occasional spotting it's been great. Neither of these have ever had any effect on my libido, I'm always up for some sexin unless I actually have my period. This tells me that everyone really is different, no doubt. Some of us can come at the drop of a hat from intercourse, some can't. I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one who isn't the least bit bothered by a lack of orgasms from sex. I've been able to do it myself for as long as I can remember. Masturbating is something I do by myself, and for myself. I love having sex w/ my bf and would not change a thing, honestly. It's immaterial to me that it doesn't result in an O. I'm 100% comfortable with all things sex-related, however I'm not one who feels the need to talk about it with my ladyfriends. I'm pretty private about all of it and that's fine. I certainly don't see myself as dysfunctional. I don't have any sort of anxiety or depression or any hang ups whatsoever. It's just the way I happen to be put together and I'm perfectly alright with that. These studies really don't make sense to me because no two people are alike in any way and it's really not possible to take all of those differences into account. I say, if you feel like you have an issue, that's fine, do whatever you're comfortable with, even if that's nothing at all. Sexuality is such an intensely individual thing. Some of us are satisfied with our experiences/preferences/etc. Some aren't, obviously. I think it's kinda fucked up that people make such a big deal about how women need to do this or that in order to have "the" sexual experience. Bullshit because it's totally different for every single human being in the world. *oh and also, I love all of you for reassuring me that i'm not the only one who discovered myself at a very young age. i though i was an exception and it's great to know that i'm not. so thank you all, jezzies.*
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clevernamehere
12/05/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
Most of the time, I'd rather not talk about sex. If there's a funny story, go ahead and share. If you have a problem or question, let's talk it out. But I'm not interested in discussing how big your boyfriend's cock is, what your favorite sexual position is or when you lost your virginity, unless it's funny or there's some kind of "have any of you guys ever dealt with this?" question. I don't like Truth or Dare either. :)

I don't think talking about sex necessarily improves people's sex lives. Lots of people bullshit just to feel like they fit in and lots of people are way too judgmental. As a society, we already talk about sex a lot in a pornified kind of way and I think it spreads a lot of misinformation, like the idea that women mostly orgasm from penetration. We need more sex education and more openness about people's personal experience more than conversation.

I really disagree with the idea that reporting sexual dysfunction means you're not comfortable with your body. There are lots of women who experience temporary sexual dysfunction without being uncomfortable with their bodies. Menopause, childbirth, stress, birth control, diabetes, and a range of prescription medicine can all cause low libido and problems achieving orgasm. Outside of diabetes, none of these problems are permanent, which is probably why so few women are bothered by them.
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lucystrawberry: Tier 2 is the new black
12/05/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
I just have to say, how amazing is the stock photo used in this post? Can you IMAGINE the direction the director was giving?
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Elaken
12/05/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
As a 26 year old I have yet to find a female friends who admits to masturbating and rarely do topics like that get discussed. Most seemed to find the idea of doing discomforting which made me feel like it is something shameful. I would not at all be surprised by women having issues.
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clevernamehere
12/05/08

@Elaken: And I've only met one girl who post high school in a room full of girls who won't admit to masterbating (and she's uber religious). But if it comes up in front of guys lots of girls lie.
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La Chica Lucy
12/05/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
Personally, my twenties were my least satisfying years, sex-wise. My thirties (I'm seven years in) well, I don't know how to put this, other than "wow." Really.

I must attribute this, in part, to my husband, who is a wonderful and generous lover. However, that whole thing about your 30s being your prime? Umm, yeah.
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La Chica Lucy
12/05/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
A lot of the comments here seem to indicate that if drug companies can research and develop boner pills, they can also research and develop meds that MANY people - male and female - need (SSRIs, anti-depressants, anti-seizure, etc.) that don't cause people to lose their libidos.
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The Queen of No
12/05/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
I have only ever had a handful of orgasms and all of them from a vibrator and alone.

It makes me sad. I just can't get over the proverbial "wall" with the guy I'm seeing. It feels great, though.

In fact, just today we had a discussion about it. He told me I should go to a "workshop like on Real Sex." Sigh.
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Lish
12/06/08

@The Queen of No:
I'm sorry that's all he had to contribute. I'm in a similar boat, my guy knows I don't come and he doesn't seem to care, or make any extra effort. We've been together for 15 years so I think somewhere along the way he just accepted it and gave up.
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The Queen of No
12/06/08

@Lish: Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that. I was with my ex for 5 years and he never really tried, but then again, I never asked or acted interested in having one. Those relationship things are work, man, as is a healthy sex life within one.

Here's to our S.O.'s not/stop giving up on our elusive orgasms.

<3
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I, Zombie Normal
12/05/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
Well, since I have no problem with TMI, I didn't have an orgasm during sex until I was well into my 30's, and only had them regularly during sex since I hit 35. (Now 38)

I'm sure part of the problem was my pelvic tilt or whatever odd term the doctor used, which means that I can't do natural childbirth, and that I often experience pain during sex if a guy is at all large in the bathing suit area, such as. The other side was mental or psychological, and it took me some years to come to terms with my body, my sexuality, and my Self.

I'm not saying that everyone else should just wait a few years, or anything flip like that, but I do think that aging + growing comfortable with my body + finding the right partner = success for me, only 21 years after I started having sex.
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labikina
12/05/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
I've always wondered if I am having "real" orgasms, because mine are always very quick and don't require much effort.

Plus I've actually had these mini-orgasms(?)in my sleep while dreaming. I told a friend about that once and she said it was impossible for that to be a "real" orgasm because a real orgasm would require some kind of physical contact with one's genitalia.

I believe I am having some kind of orgasm, but am I really?
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clevernamehere
12/05/08

@labikina: Your friend is full of it. I orgasm in my sleep without any kind of physical contact. I do think that orgasming in your sleep (or maybe just remembering it) is pretty unusual, but I've met one or two other women who occassionally orgasm in their sleep.

I think a big part of the problem is how we discuss the female orgasm. I post semi-frequently on a women's health board and a lot of teen girls ask what an orgasm feels like. Lots of posters respond with these long metaphors about oceans and feelings starting in your toes. I never have any idea what the hell they are talking about.

Orgasm = Rapid contractions of your vaginal walls that give a feeling of relief.

Why would you think they should take a lot of effort to be real? TMI but I can get myself off in less time that a commerical break and I've never doubted mine are real.

@RocktheDebit: 0.08 seconds? Whatever, I don't think anyone needs to be sitting their with a stopwatch.
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Red-headed bookworm
12/08/08

@clevernamehere: I've had them in my sleep, too. Not often, but during really intense sexual dreams.
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vulcanized
12/05/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
I feel totally qualified to comment on this because me? Nope. Never. And completely not from a lack of trying or of knowledge. I have even talked to doctors about it. I have worn out multiple vibrators. I've tried several manners of intoxication. I've tried it in a house, I have tried it with a mouse.

At this point, I HAVE to make myself think it's not a problem. If it is a problem, then it seems to me that I AM the problem. My inability to come is bad and it is entirely my own fault. I can't handle that. It's better for it to just not matter.
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flippantangel
12/05/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
I don't think I'm uncomfortable talking about sex, per se, but there's talking about sex and then there's talking about sex. I mean, I'm perfectly comfortable describing acts, physical features of partners, and so forth. But the physical sensations I experience during sex are so--not verbal--that I don't even know how I'd go about trying to describe them verbally in a way that would seem remotely authentic. Nor have I ever heard any one express physical sensations verbally in a way that connected with me. I remember endless circular conversations with a partner trying to get through what I was feeling physically when I was not cuming and asking him "well what does it feel like for you?" and just...words, not, working. Is this just me being weird? How do other people talk about what sex FEELS like for them?
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SarahMC
12/05/08

@flippantangel: An orgasm feels like a rainbow.
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SarahMC
12/05/08

@SarahMC: An exploding rainbow, more specifically.
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whats_in_a_name
12/05/08

@flippantangel: like trying to describe what it feels like to be mad or happy or any other emotion, and with the added difficulty that ever if you could decribe what your feeling unless you're gay or lesbian your parter still probably isn't going to understand because sex from a mans view point just isn't going to feel anything like sex from a womans.
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Political Party Girl
12/05/08

@SarahMC: A glorious, soul-shattering, and miraculous exploding rainbow. Then, after the rainbow, you sing the hallelujah chorus while unicorns fly out of your vagina.
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checkyaself
12/05/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
I think more women had better sex lives before this fascination or more like obsession with orgasms. A woman may have had a satisfying sex life but with all of this talk about coma inducing orgasms many women are feeling like they are not measuring up if she is not experiencing it.

Tracie you pretty much made up an entire assumption about these women.

1) How do you know they aren't knowledgeable about their bodies or don't masturbate or talk about sex? It is possible that some women just don't care to masturbate not that they have a fear of their bodies and some women (like me) don't care to gab with my friends about sex all day like a SATC episode.

This may sound mind blowing but sex is not that important to all women, and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with them that needs to be fixed.
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Tracie
12/05/08

@checkyaself: well yeah i did. i read a study, and wrote my interpretation of the findings. otherwise, i'd just be reporting a report about a report.
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checkyaself
12/05/08

@checkyaself:

I also wanted to add that sex is not always about the physical. It could be possible that these women are lacking emotional fulfillment from sex. When they are done they may have had a orgasms galore but feel empty inside for whatever reason which leads to them not feeling satisfied sexually.
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Dear Blond Diary
12/05/08

@checkyaself: I totally disagree. True, "pressure" to have an orgasm can completely be counterproductive, but I agree with Tracie 100% that the more comfortable you are with your body, and sex, the better sex you will have. One of the ways that is acheived is through talking about sex with your friends.
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gherkinfiend
12/05/08

@checkyaself: even if the sex is pretty mediocre, I can orgasm from it 99% of the time, but it lost its appeal for me after years of emotionally distant sex with guys who didn't really give a shit about me.

It got like using another person to masturbate rather than a vibrator so I decided not to bother with sex again til it had some meaning...and I'll swap an orgasm for someone who makes me feel good about myself anytime...
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GoldenRatioφ (aka -girl11)
12/05/08

@Dear Blond Diary: Really? I am trying not to get personally offended here, but it almost seems like the attitude is that those of us who don't come must be this group of women wearing mom jeans who are frigid and too scared to talk about sex with our gf's, or heaven forbid, our partners. Maybe I am overreacting, but no, talking about sex with the friends has never led to orgasms, and the bf and I have tried and talked about it an awful lot. I think I am pretty damn comfortable with my body.
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Dear Blond Diary
12/05/08

@goldengirl11: I hope I am not being offensive by disagreeing with you. I was responding to the idea that comfort with bodies and sex leads to better sex, if not necessarily orgasms. I suppose I can see someone taking umbrage to being told they are "dysfunctional" if they can't come, but I assumed it was a medical designation, not a personal judgment.
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checkyaself
12/05/08

@Dear Blond Diary:

What I'm saying is that even if a woman is comfortable and knowledgeable about sex and her body and talks to her friends about sex (shouldn't these women be talking to their partners instead of their friends) it does not necessarily mean she will be having great sex, it could be emotional or it could be that she just doesn't think sex is that big of a deal. So the whole "You're not having orgasms and you don't care, you have to care, there must be something wrong with you", is almost offensive.
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lucystrawberry: Tier 2 is the new black
12/05/08

@checkyaself: C
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GoldenRatioφ (aka -girl11)
12/05/08

@Dear Blond Diary: I think that we just have this perception of women who don't orgasm as being embarrassed by sex, or this assumption: "And if the problem is cultural, good girls don't masturbate, tie up their lovers or watch porn to turn themselves on, than I think the issue is very important." (goodcheapfun). I do all three of these things, and I still don't come, and I talk about sex, and I am comfortable with my body. Women who don't come very often don't all look like your mom. I just like to think that I'm as sexual and fun as the next woman, and when people start speculating about those of us who just aren't so good at achieving the big O, that we're uninformed about sex, or not comfortable with our bodies, it can be a little offensive.

That being said, reading some of these responses was really surprisingly helpful. I'm 24, and some of the women on here (including Tracie!) mentioned they had difficulty achieving an orgasm for a while when they first had sex. That is really comforting, and even though I'm okay with my sexual experiences now, it does help me realize I shouldn't write off orgasming forever. I honestly think my bc is the culprit, but I have painful periods and don't want babies, so...
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Political Party Girl
12/05/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
I think it's misleading to say that "only 12% care about [their sexual dysfunction]." The study found that 12% experienced "significant personal distress" due to their sexual dysfunction. The qualifier, "significant," probably means that there was probably the option of reporting "moderate personal distress" in the survey. "Significant," at least to me, indicates that it interferes with your life on a daily basis or is a major source of stress.

Ugh. I wish I could just READ the WHOLE study. These summaries of summaries of summaries often end up like a bad game of journalisic telephone.
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I, Zombie Normal
12/05/08

@Political Party Girl: Purple Monkey Dishwasher.;]
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whats_in_a_name
12/05/08

@AbbyNormal: What? Uncle Lonnie divorced?
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farmersdaughter
12/05/08

In reply to Which Is Worse For Women: That 40% Can't Orgasm, Or That Only 12% Think That's A Problem?
I wish I could quit taking the birth control....it is so necessary, but without it I orgasm in a flash by myself, and even manage to get off with a partner. With the b.c. it's my hand and that's about it. Occasionally a guy will get me off.
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Scout
12/05/08

@farmersdaughter: reverse the psychological need to have children and get your tubes tied or just get used to condom sex and if/when the relationship gets serious, tell the guy to get a vasectomy - it worked for me - still works for me (and my neutered husband)

flip the script

Any mature, intelligent guy will know that it is the most logical thing to do if in a committed relationship where pregnancy in the first 5 years is unwanted. I'd supply statistics here regarding rate of success/failure with reversal but you can find them all over the web
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La Chica Lucy
12/05/08

@farmersdaughter: You may want to consider Paraguard, a non-hormonal IUD. Hurts like hell when they put it in, but it's 10 years of easily-reversible, effective, cheaper over time, out of sight, out of mind BC.
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clevernamehere
12/05/08

@Scout: If it works for you, great, but a guy should only have a vasectomy if he is pretty sure he never, ever, wants children. The rate of successful reversals is pretty high, but the longer it has been since the surgery the less likely a successful reversal is. A vasectomy isn't an IUD, it is supposed to be permanent.
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