• Kate Moss and her boyfriend, Jamie Hince, have been invited to spend Christmas on Johnny Depp's private island with Depp and his wife, Vanessa Paradis. Celebrities! They're just like us...if we had an ex-boyfriend with a private island. [TheSun]

• Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are reportedly together again, for the 80th time. [TheSun]
• The pair were seen eating dinner together with Courteney Cox Arquette and her husband, David, and Aniston was "was on his arm and they were very lovey." [TheSun]
• Meanwhile, Aniston and her father, John Aniston have come together to narrate a children's book for charity; $2 from each book sold will be given to St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. [JustJared]
• Blake Lively is allegedly a very big fan of Victoria Beckham and recently tried to convince Beckham to guest star on Gossip Girl, taking her case to the producers of the show. "Victoria isn't an actress and wanted her role to be very tongue-in-cheek," says a source, "And an idea for her to play Ed Westwick's long-lost mother was quickly vetoed. Victoria joked that she'd rather play his ex-love interest!" [ShowbizSpy]
• 3,000 people came out to say farewell to Boyzone star Stephen Gately this morning at his funeral; Gately passed away at the age of 33 last week. [Reuters]
• Pete Wentz, who says he wants a "soccer team" of kids, also says that having a son made him realize how much his own father did for him: "It makes me realize all of the little things that my dad sacrificed when he had me. It's sad it took 30 years but I totally realize it now." [People]
• An interesting question for your Saturday morning: "Is Kevin Costner Germany's new David Hasselhoff?" [People]
• Larry Birkhead claims that Anna Nicole Smith took methadone while pregnant with their daughter, Dannielynn, as she feared withdrawal would cause her to lose the baby. [NYDN]
• Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis was caught on tape screaming a homophobic slur at a doorman last night after being denied entrance a club. [TMZ]
• TLC reportedly knows just how much money Jon Gosselin has been making from his interviews and promotional appearances, and, according to RadarOnline, "the network wants all that money plus damages in a court battle that has the strong possibility of leaving Jon flat broke." [RadarOnline]
• Michael Crichton's wife and daughter are currently fighting over the late author's estate, as Crichton's daughter wants his wife (her step-mother) removed as trustee of Crichton's estate. [UPI]
• Levi Johnston is preparing for his upcoming Playgirl shoot by eating tons of lean protein, including moose meat, according to his trainer: "Moose meat is very good for you, high in protein and very lean." [People]
• Two Ohio police chiefs accused of breaking in to the home of Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate in order to collect information on Parker and her husband, Matthew Broderick, to sell to the tabloids, face between 14-21 years of jail if convicted. [E!]
• Ryan Reynolds is currently working on a film "described as a dude-in-drag romantic comedy, with Reynolds playing a jilted lover who must disguise himself as a woman and befriend his ex in order to win her back." [Variety]
• "I've found that people are cool if you don't treat them like jerks."-Penn Badgely [NYTimes]
• Andrew Keegan's ex-girlfriend claims she isn't surprised that a judge refused to grant her a permanent restraining order against Keegan, whom she's accused of abusing her in the past: "
  "I'm fine. I guess deep down inside, I knew I had a slim chance in winning, considering I didn't hire an expensive lawyer to bail me out. In fact, I went alone as a strong woman who was standing up to someone who hurt her." [TMZ]
• "What they really want from us is just to open the movie and then get lost after introducing a new generation of ghostbusters, who can start the franchise all over again. I've heard the script idea, and part of it is good but, ye know, it's going to be tough to start again." -Bill Murray on Ghostbusters III [TimesOnline]
• Cindy Crawford says she gets her famous mole checked often, as she fears it might become cancerous. [DailyMail]
• Curious about the type of condoms Jamie Kennedy uses? Well, wonder no more, I guess. [TMZ]
• Khloe Kardashian says no matter what she does, bloggers and commenters will criticize her body: "Well, I am always fat no matter how much weight I lose. It's like I can never have a good body. But I have a really strong sense of self-esteem. It kind of frustrates me because I do work really hard. I eat really well and I try to look the best I can." [ShowbizSpy]
• Debbie Rowe has filed a $490,000 lawsuit against Rebecca White, who claimed that she had an email from Rowe stating that Rowe didn't want custody of her children with Michael Jackson. [TMZ]
• "I want to hate Megan Fox more than anything. We all do. But I read a bunch of her quotes, and she's witty and smart and carefree. I thought, ‘This is the kind of girl I'd love to be friends with."-Kristen Bell [ShowbizSpy]

Levi Johnston belongs to that particular breed of Americans Cast Into the Public Eye. And as we know, once you are Cast Into the Public Eye, you are absolutely powerless: you are compelled to sell tell-alls and cameo in movies and host reality shows because that is what society does to you. For every Jackie O, characterized by her devotion to privacy, we'll raise you an Octomom. In a world where 98% of humanity seeks out celebrity, we always feel bad for those few thrust into the spotlight after, say, a night of unprocted slap-and-tickle in the back of a Camaro. And then they go on Tyra. And Larry King. And the Today show. And do a GQ shoot. And, obviously, hire a publicist.


The Lifer: Brian Gerard "Kato" Kaelin
Prior Career: Full-time houseguest, part-time actor, wit
Claim to Fame: Incoherent and generally irrelevant testimony in the trial of the century
Cash-In: In 1998, he did a "speaking tour" titled The Sixteenth Minute, talking about not being famous anymore. Then he was on a show called House Guest where he crashed at the homes of other D-listers that never aired, and one called Gimme My Reality Show, plus pay-per-view Strip Poker.


The Example: Monica Lewinsky
Prior Career: Student, White House Intern
Claim to Fame: Did have "Improper relationship" with that man, William Jefferson Clinton.
Cash-In: 20/20 interview, Tom Green Show, SNL. Short-lived handbag line. Ill-advised interview with The Daily Mail after the publication of Clinton's biography.
Redemption: Now an Adult, Lewinsky has obtained a Master's from the London School of Economics and seems to be keeping out of the public eye.


The Pro: Ashley Alexandra Dupre
Prior Career: Aspiring singer, waitress, escort.
Claim to Fame: Slept with Client 9.
Cash-In :Appeared on 20/20. Dupre has allegedly hired a manager to help pursue her music career, and is in talks to develop a Tila Tequila-style reality dating show.


The Exploiter: Larry Birkhead
Prior Career: Photographer
Claim to Fame: Is the father.
Cash-In: Protective of his daughter's privacy, Birkehad has apparently hired full-time camera crew to document every moment of father-daughter bonding for such news sources as Us, OK, Life & Style, E!, Access Hollywood, and Entertainment Tonight. Sometimes he chills with Paris Hilton and talks about starring in a reality show with his toddler.


The Villain: Heather Mills
Prior Career: Model, activist.
Claim to Fame: Nasty divorce.
Cash-In: While married to Sir Paul, appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Post-divorce, called Stella McCartney "evil," gave hundreds of interviews, fired people, talked to press, threatened to sue press, appeared on Dancing with the Stars.


The Cautionary Tale: Jason Allen Alexander
Prior Career: Childhood friend, good old boy
Claim to Fame: What happened in Vegas, like most things that happen in Vegas, did not stay remotely near it.
Cash-In: Hired agent, entertained offers, appeared in British documentary, failed to strike while the iron was hot. There but for the grace of God goes Levi!


Psst! Your Handlers Are Showing, Levi [NYT]

• Following complaints from PETA, Britney has announced that she won't feature animals on the Circus tour. A PETA spokesperson explained what they think changed Brit's mind (and it wasn't the potential animal cruelty lawsuit).

• PETA applauded Britney for not "forcing chained and beaten exotic animals to perform confusing and uncomfortable tricks" and said she must relate to the caged animals' plight as she herself is a "victim of the paparazzi and always crying about how she hates to be held up in her guarded house." [Daily Express]
• Executives at a luxury private jet company were indicted in New Jersey federal court on charges that they recklessly overfueled private planes, endangering the lives of celebrities including Beyonce, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, and Harvey Weinstein. [ABC News]
• In this video, Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead talk about mourning Anna Nicole Smith two years after her death. Stern says after Anna died, "I realized how important she was to my life—she was my whole life. I gave up my whole world for her." [E!]
• Natalie Cole is fighting hepatitis C and hopes to have a kidney transplant in the near future. She says: "My son may be a possible match, which would be great. It's very sweet and kind of strange to have people offer something like that. It's a big deal for the recipient more than it is for the donor, because they've got two kidneys and we just need one!" [E!]
• Cole currently undergoes dialysis three times a week and also has liver disease. [People]
• Farrah Fawcett is doing well after fighting a second battle with anal cancer. She has stopped getting chemotherapy treatment but is still receiving follow-up care. [The Daily Express]
• You can watch Sean Penn's new PSA for the United Nations World Food Program here, plus a behind the scenes video reminding people that shockingly, poor people suffer in a bad economy. [Ad Week]
• Apparently Ashton Kutcher is addicted to Facebook as well as Twitter. His production company, Katalyst Media, is launching a Web series on Facebook. The first episode of the mock reality series comes out today and features Kutcher preparing too seriously for an acting role. [Ad Week]
• Has Vivica A. Fox actually found worse job than Psychic Friends Network spokeswoman? She's going to host a TV Land reality show called The Cougar, a dating show in which an older woman hunts for love in a pool of younger men. [PR Newswire]
• Tony Parker bought the second largest share of the French basketball team ASVEL, and will begin serving as the team's Director of Operations immediately. He may play for the team someday too. Says Parker: "When I'm 36, 37 years old, who knows how my NBA will go. Why not play one more farewell year in France afterwards? I've raised the subject with Eva, and she has nothing against living in France." [People]
• Tiger Woods hasn't been playing competitive golf since his knee surgery over the summer and now he's putting off his return until his wife gives birth to their second baby this spring. Also, Barack Obama told Woods at the inauguration that he wants to play golf with him. [People]
• Hank Azaria and his girlfriend Katie Wright are expecting their first child, a baby boy. [People]
• Ryan Reynolds ran the New York City marathon to raise money for Parkinson's, which his dad has been fighting for 15 years. [Men's Health]
• Ben Lee says his new album The Rebirth of Venus, which comes out next month, is a tribute to the feminine way of doing things in life. "In this world, masculine traits are usually rewarded and feminine traits basically get punished. Like President Obama last year talking about how he went to go negotiate [overseas] – which wasn't seen as a manly thing to do," said Lee. "They call it feminine and masculine archetypes. But [at the same time], they all go on inside all of us. So we all need to deal with that." [Blackbook]
• Jennifer Aniston recently directed a short for Glamour and says she is really interested in directing, which she describes as, "pull it all apart and put it back together again." [CBS News]
• Jorge "Papito" Serguera, the man who banned the Beatles from radio and television stations in Cuba, has died at the age of 76. He has said he was a fan of the group, but he recived orders from government officials who felt the band was a threat to communism. [Reuters]
• In a new interview, Stephen King says that Twilight author Stephanie Meyer isn't a good author. King says: "It's very clear that she's writing to a whole generation of girls and opening up kind of a safe joining of love and sex in those books. It's exciting and it's thrilling and it's not particularly threatening because they're not overtly sexual. A lot of the physical side of it is conveyed in things like the vampire will touch her forearm or run a hand over skin, and she just flushes all hot and cold. And for girls, that's a shorthand for all the feelings that they're not ready to deal with yet."[USA Weekend]
• Drew Barrymore answered questions fans sent to People and one guy asked if she'd consider dating a guy who owns a gas station. Drew said: "I think my dating record shows that I definitely don't believe in discrimination. So, yes – why wouldn't I?" [People]
• Sarah Jessica Parker says her biggest fashion regret is wearing black on her wedding day, rather than a traditional white gown. We can think of quite a few bigger fashion faux pas, which are now immortalized on the Sex and the City DVDs. [Entertainment Tonight]
• Could Jessica Alba's star power save us from this economic mess? Stockpickr.com and Stockerblog.com have compiled the Jessica Alba Stock Index, which works like the Dow Jones Industrial Average, but tracks companies based on how they are connected to Jessica Alba through her films and endorsements. [The Street]
• Brenda's back! Shannen Doherty has signed on to do one more episode of the new 90210. [People]
• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony recently purchased the house next door to their Long Island mansion. Judging from this photo gallery of the ugly colonial decor, they'll be doing some remodeling. [TMZ]
• Fantasia is going to return to the role she played on Broadway in The Color Purple this summer in a Washington, D.C. production of the show. [The Daily Express]
• A New Jersey congressman is demanding an investigation after fans from the state who tried to buy Bruce Springsteen concert tickets were shut out of the Ticketmaster website, which then ran an ad for more expensive tickets at TicketsNow. [AP]
• Freddy Krueger will be getting a makeover in the new Nightmare on Elm Street movie, but the producers say they won't change the way the characters look. They said: "in Texas Chainsaw the chainsaw was the weapon, in Friday the machete is the weapon for Jason, and in Nightmare there is no changing the glove." [Perez Hilton]
• "I love women. I like them as friends, as interesting people to speak with. But I love gay men. I always say it. Inside me there is a gay man who wants to come out! With heterosexual men I have nothing in common – excluding my husband, brothers and father, you understand." - Victoria Beckham in Italy's Vanity Fair. [Just Jared]
• This headline says it all: "Michael Phelps has extraordinary lung capacity. Does that mean he can get extraordinarily stoned?" [Slate]

• Miley Cyrus is seen "slanting her eyes" in a picture that's been circulating on the web.

An Asian American advocacy group says she "encouraged and legitimized the taunting and mocking of people of Asian descent." What is it with these Disney stars? [Perez]

• Angelina, Brad and the brood will live in Brazil next. [The Star]
• Amy Winehouse wants to leave St. Lucia and go to Jamaica to record her album. But, as this paper points out, "her label is 'fully aware' Jamaica is awash with drugs like crack cocaine and cannabis." Didn't you think they just had lots of weed? [The Sun]
• Was Jennifer Hudson "singing" at the Super Bowl actually Jennifer Hudson lip-syncing to a backing track of herself singing? [EW, Independent]
• Jennifer Hudson will perform at the NAACP Image Awards on February 12. [People]
• MTV wanted the girls on The City to fake a physical fight at the DVF office. Tacky, tacky! [Page Six]
• Jennifer Connelly is on the March cover of Glamour looking stiff and glazed-eyed. Pretty hair, though! She says: "It’s been so long since I’ve dated that I don’t understand what’s going on anymore with things like Facebook and MySpace. A friend of mine wrote 'LOL' to me the other day. I thought she meant 'Lord, oh, Lord.'" [Just Jared]
• Michael Phelps knew that bong picture was coming out. A source says: "There was an effort to purchase it, there was even talk of him writing a sports column as well for a period of time to in exchange for not running it. But the News obviously knew what it had on its hands. They weren’t going to play ball." [MSNBC]
• Halle Berry's baby's first word? "It was probably 'dada,'" says baby daddy Gabriel Aubry. "She doesn't say 'dad.' She says 'papa,' which is the French version of it." Oh, and Halle and Gabriel want more kids: "She needs a sibling," Aubry says. "I think it's important." [People]
• Anne Hathaway's Oscar date? Her dad. "If I can squeeze a few more tickets, I'm going to see if I can take my brother and my mom. This is my first, maybe my only, time going. Hopefully not! My family is the most important thing in the world to me. I definitely wanted them by my side." [People]
• Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer spent Super Bowl Sunday together, hanging out with friends and watching the game. Snooze. [People]
• Faye Dunaway will guest star on Grey's Anatomy! [UPI]
• Katherine Heigl and her husband rescued a puppy in Mexico and he's freaking adorable. [Yahoo News via E!]
• You know how Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore were throwing things at the house next door, for undergoing noisy construction? "Internet hustler" Jason Calacanis is ripping them new ones. [Gawker]
• Oh: Ashton and Demi may adopt a child this summer! [MSNBC]
• Gwyneth Paltrow wasn't exactly thrilled with a "smutty" interview conducted by BBC1's Jonathan Ross. [Daily Mail]
• Spoiler alert! Click to find out what might be going down on a future episode of Lost. Sawyer's involved. [AP]
• Paris Hilton has purchased a £2 million home in London. You know she has a TV series, My British Best Friend, right? [Mirror]
• Paris hosted a Super Bowl party while her ex Benji Madden DJ'd. Awkward? Oh, and Paris maybe made out with Doug Reinhardt. [Perez]
• Mark Wahlberg and longtime girlfriend Rhea Durham — who have three kids — are planning a wedding. In a Catholic church. Is that kosher? [People]
• If you see Joe Francis of "Girls Gone Wild," let him know there's a warrant out for his arrest. Tax evasion case. [Reuters]
• Apparently the reason David Spade gets so many ladies is because he has a large dick. Try and erase that from your mind. [Perez]
• Chelsy Davy is not just a partying blonde: She has accepted a post at a law firm and will train as a solicitor later this year, after completing her degree. [Daily Mail]
• Those SNL "MacGruber" sketches that are also Pepsi commercials confuse some people. [AP]
• Vincent Gallo is selling a wallet that is "guaranteed" to get you laid. Cost? $750. [Page Six]
• Brunch with Sienna Miller involves dancing on the chairs. [Page Six]
• Blind items! "Which two Hollywood buddies should go home to their wives instead of partying together in New York clubs with bags of cocaine? . . . Which sitcom actor avoids socializing with industry professionals? Though his flamboyance is obvious, he stays in the closet with his close-knit - and tight-lipped - circle of gay friends." [Page Six]
• Why did Larry Birkhead bring Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynn to the set of Larry King Live? (She's cute though!) [Daily Mail]
• Slumdog Millionaire's Dev Patel was encouraged to get naked for teen drama Skins by his own mother. [Mirror]
• "Dozens" in Mumbai protested against Slumdog today. [Reuters]
• Pete Doherty is getting evicted from a nine-bedroom house because there's graffiti on the walls, stray cats and trash everywhere and, oh, yeah: The landlord feels he's turned the place into a drug den. [The Sun]
• Roman Polanski's lawyers have lost their bid to disqualify all L.A. judges from hearing his case; they claimed the entire Los Angeles Superior Court bench is biased against the director. The court has ruled that the hearing can go forward. [Variety]
• Bobby Brown's girlfriend is pregnant. It's his prerogative. He can do what he wanna do. [TMZ]
• Lionsgate pictures has acquired Sundance Film Festival winner Push: Based On The Novel By Sapphire, and Oprah and Tyler Perry will team up to promote the flick. The film's star, Mo'Nique, was honored with a special jury prize. The story revolves around an overweight, illiterate African-American teen in Harlem who's about to give birth to her second child when she is accepted into an alternative school. [Variety]
• Six Feet Under producer Alan Poul will direct Plan B, a film starring Jennifer Lopez as a single woman who meets the man of her dreams on the very day she conceives a child through artificial insemination. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Mel B. and Eddie Murphy seemed to have settled a "secret" legal battle over their daughter. Mel B had always said that Eddie didn't want a relationship with the child, but the agreement states that Eddie will not have custody, but will have visitation rights. [Mirror]
• Usher's Atlanta wine bar, Grape: squashed. [Perez]
• Congrats to David Eisenberg, Sex And The City's Steve, who, along with his wife, welcomed his first child on January 19. [E!]
• Erykah Badu and boyfriend Jay Electronica Twittered the birth of their baby girl over the weekend; Badu says it was home birth that lasted about five hours and that she didn't use painkillers. Ow. [USA Today]
• The late Keith Moon of The Who is being honored with a "blue plaque." [Independent]
• "I can't deal with actors. I can't deal with myself. We're neurotic and miserable... I love doing what I'm doing, but while I'm doing it, I'm miserable." — Viola Davis. [Yahoo News via E!]
• "It's impossible for me to rebel against my parents because they are such crazy people. I can't rebel against the normal things that people rebel against." — Lorcan O'Toole, whose father is Peter O'Toole and mother is Karen Somerville, an ex-girlfriend of the actor who worked as a model. [Telegraph]
• "I used to never even be able to see a boy. I didn't even know what a boy was. They were so foreign to me. I used to go roller-skating just so I could see the opposite sex. There was this boy... and he never asked me to backward couple skate with him. I was emotionally scarred by 11 or 12 years old." — Katy Perry. [Yahoo News via E!]
• "It's unfortunate. There's no one more disappointed about it than him… He's getting a lot of flack about it and it's really unnecessary." — Mark Wahlberg on the Jeremy Piven kerfluffle. [E!]
• "I don’t know. It was something about the way that we were together. He stood out to me as someone singular and rare and beautiful, and I liked the way he was in the world…. I liked the way he was with my son and the way he made me feel." — Jennifer Connelly on knowing Paul Bettany was The One, in Glamour. [Just Jared]
• "It's so funny to me that the role is a guy who is an Oscar-seeking moron. His whole motivation is Oscars. Irony is synonymous with pretty much everything that is going on." _-Robert Downey Jr., on being nominated for Tropic Thunder. [USA Today]
• "When you get to my age, you do running repairs. I had my fourth hair transplant as it means I don't have to wear wigs in a movie." — John Cleese. [Daily Mail]
• "One of the things I just loved about Liev right away was that he was so good with kids." — Naomi Watts. [People]
• "All the men want to be Don Draper, all the women want to fuck him. Everyone thinks he's the perfect man, and Pete Campbell is jealous of him. But Draper's completely incomplete, completely lonely, completely detached, completely alone. It's why he reaches out to all these women, it's why he needs to take charge in business, to belittle Pete. He's completely alone. Loneliness isn't a phase or a mood, it's a core condition of being and some of us deal with it better than others - build a family or make a million dollars. Or Draper, coming home to the empty house at the end of season one. That's a big theme of the show: unattachment, loneliness, distance." — from a worth-your-while interview with Vincent Kartheiser of Mad Men. [Guardian]
• "I wanted to have that big giant dance video moment. I wanted it to be plastic, beautiful, gorgeous, sweaty, tar on the floor, bad-ass boys, but when you got close, the look in everybody's eyes was fucking honest and scary." — Lady GaGa, on her new video, set in a subway station and deaturing "a menacing flock of bondage-loving biker-gang dancers." [EW]
• "Well here you have it. My final blog… Before I go, however, I must say that I received a text message from a very close and dear friend of Lindsay's who I trust and admire. The text said, 'between you and me you are doing the right thing. From what I hear, from Lindsay's nearest and dearest friends, Lindsay is worse off than ever since she she has been with Sam. I told Dina that Lindsay needs you back in her life, and I think you know that I was the one who really helped Linds get into rehab.' I was with Lindsay when she got out of Cirque Lodge. I saw and experienced the 'old Lindsay' with so much hope and promise. I had full confidence in her. Then back came Samantha! Can't you all see this? Am I speaking to stone walls? All I ask that you put your selves in my shoes and HONESTLY consider what you would do." — Michael Lohan. [Mike Lohan Online]
• "I get very emotional about these things, I discover. I think I'm not cut out for this. I'm too emotional to lose, and I'm too emotional to win." — Kate Winslet, on the Oscars. [Daily Mail]
• "I think with the success of a few big pictures like Mamma Mia! addressing an audience that, never mind being neglected, have been disdained in the boardrooms, there will be other films that target that audience. Mamma Mia! is that rare thing you can enjoy with your mother or your child, and its aim is only to make you happy." — Meryl Streep. [Mirror]
• "Fuck the haters! I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me and for a second your ego is so wounded. How could people hate me, my intentions or what I’m trying to do? I’m a good person and I’m trying to put good things into the world." — Gwyneth Paltrow, on critics of her "lifestyle blog," GOOP. [Examiner]

• The Jolie-Pitt brood may be relocating to Long Island, New York while Angie films Edwin A. Salt. Surely they picked LI because they wanted a sophisticated, cultural capital on par with France and Germany. [Extra]

• Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern are working together to sue a man who they say was releasing false information to an author for a tell all book. They both filed declarations supporting Stern's claim that he was not criminally involved in Daniel Smith's death, he never drugged Anna Nicole, and he and Birkhead did not make a deal that Birkhead would get Dannielynn if Stern was executor of Anna's estate. [TMZ]
• Last night Lily Allen kicked two photographers in the shins and punched another before entering a club. She came out 20 minutes later and borrowed a lighter from the paps, then threw half of her lit cigarette in a photographer's face. [Perez Hilton]
• Lily Allen may be dating Simon Franks of the Audio Bullys. [The Sun]
• The four main characters in Sex and The City may have agreed to come back for a sequel, but Evan Handler, who plays Charlotte's husband, says he hasn't been approached about the second film. "They could kill me off before the movie even starts," he said. "It's always possible that Harry has had a massive coronary and Charlotte is set free." [E!]
• Tom Brady agreed to give his first interview since injuring his knee to a Toronto radio station, but refused to answer questions about Gisele Bundchen. So the interview was confined to his knee, rehab, the Patriots' owners, and other non-gossipy topics. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan went to Harvard yesterday, but just to visit Caroline Kennedy's daughter, Rose Kennedy Schlossberg, who attends the university. Rose gave Lindsay and Samantha Ronson a campus tour, including the Widener Library (which only admits Harvard students, unless Lindsay is considered a "visiting researcher.") Maybe holing up in college for a few years wouldn't be the worst idea for Linds. [Perez Hilton]
• Sorry, McAdams-Gosling shippers, Rachel McAdams was spotted kissing Josh Lucas. [Star]
• A parent's advocacy group is asking radio stations not to play Britney Spears' song "If U Seek Amy" on the radio between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m., because it sounds like an obscene phrase when said quickly. Who would have guessed that would offend people? [NY Times]
• Miley Cyrus posted a video on her website in which she raps about the "haters," and claims that she loves Nick Jonas and her Disney replacements/rivals Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez. Warning: may induce Mean Girls-esque high school flashbacks. [Perez Hilton]
• The manager of Emergency Services at the hospital where Jett Travolta died went nuts on the phone when someone asked about reports that someone on her staff took a picture of the dying boy and was trying to extort money from the Travoltas. She screamed, "No. We do not have a picture of Jett Travolta. No one took a picture. What are you trying to get people fired?!" We sincerely hope she is right. [TMZ]
• Confirming reports that they are back on, Carey Hart kissed his wife Pink in public yesterday and there are the photos to prove it. [TMZ]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes say that they are considering moving to London. If so, the move is poorly timed. Didn't their BFFs the Beckhams just move to the US? [The Mirror]
• Camilla Belle says her friend Robert Pattinson and the rest of the Twilight kids had to take classes on how to deal with the media. Pattinson must have been cutting that day. [Nylon]
• Holly Madison and Criss Angel went on vacation in Mexico with Paula Abdul. Did these guys become friends at the suggestion of idea balls picked from a manatee tank?[E!]
• Learjet is denying any responsibility for the fatal plane crash that DJ Am and Travis Barker survived. Court papers filed by the company say that if the crash was caused by a malfunction in the plane it was the "result of the failure to properly maintain and service the aircraft." [People]
• Hayden Panettiere's dad, Alan, has pled no contest to misdemeanor battery related to a fight he had with his wife over the summer. [TMZ]
• Katy Perry is not going to be celibate for a year and says she'd "rather die." "That was a joke, and any fine journalist would have got that," she said. [People]
• "I was with my parents and my dog when I got the news and we were all overjoyed — although I’m not sure my dog knew what was going on. This is a great day to be an actress!” - Anne Hathaway on how she learned about her Oscar nomination. [Just Jared]
• “The best thing is that it was my best friend from New York who called and told me. She was so happy, she was crying and I’m like, ‘What has happened?’… The beauty of the whole thing is that it wasn’t my publicist who called.” - Marisa Tomei, on finding out she was nominated for an Oscar. [Variety]
• "I know people will find that as another thing to hate me on, but fuck it. I'm open to doing porn. Hell, I'll even do bisexual scenes - myself, another man and a woman, or just me and two women. I know people will find that as some weird shit, but I am who I am." - Kanye West [Perez Hilton]

• A stupid psychic has made some predictions for 2009: Michelle Williams will wed Neil Patrick Harris, Jen and Angelina will co-star in a movie and Tina Fey will fight Sarah Silverman. [Page Six]

• Matt Dillon was arrested in Vermont last night for excessive speeding. He was going 106 m.p.h. on Interstate 91. [WCAX]
• After only six episodes, MTV has decided to pull 50 Cent's bizarre/just plain terrible Apprentice knock-off, The Money and the Power. We never thought we'd say this to anyone but: 50, stop trying to be P. Diddy. [Perez Hilton]
• Speaking of Puff: he's telling British newspapers that he wants to be the US's first black James Bond and that he thought he was dreaming when Obama was elected POTUS. [Times UK]
• The BBC decided to pull Paul McCartney's squeaking, "trans-racial" impersonation of Michael Jackson during a recent interview because it might been seen as offensive. [Telegraph]
• OMG: Mariah Carey is currently in talks to make a Broadway musical about her life. She has been considering Vanessa Hudgens, Eva Longoria and Leona Lewis to play her in the sure-to-be-amazing production. [Telegraph]
• JLo and Marc Anthony fought divorce rumors by jetting off to Puerto Rico for a few days of snuggling. [E! Online]
• Earl "DMX" Simmons plead guilty to three different cases (including one count of cruelty to animals and various drug charges) in Maricopa County whilst wearing classic prison stripes. He will receive a minimum of 90 days in prison and he will not be allowed to own pets during his probation. [TMZ]
• Trading Spaces interior designer Doug Wilson was arrested on Tuesday in Illinois for a DUI. [UPI]
• William Balfour was in a Chicago court yesterday for his involvement in the Hudson family murder case. [E! Online]
• Mercury-tainted actor, Jeremy Piven, has apparently found love with a model-cum-waitress whom he met at Britney Spears' birthday bash. [NYDN]
• Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are reportedly expecting another baby! [Star]
• Here's a video of Lil' Wayne hilariously falling during a recent concert. [Perez Hilton]
• For some reason, the Associated Press is reporting on Gary Coleman and how he has some run-ins with the law in Santaquin, Utah, where he has moved to "escape the paparazzi and autograph seekers." [AP]
• One of the boats that was used in the filming of On Golden Pond has been put up on eBay. The current high offer is $35,910. [UPI]
• Michael Flatley, the Irish-American dancer of "Riverdance" fame, is back on stage after suffering from a "mystery virus" for years. [Reuters]
• A woman who may have been unwillingly used as a decoy for Jamie Lynn Spears at LAX is pissed off and has filed a claim for money with the city. [TMZ]
• Charles Barkley was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Arizona but he was quickly released. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Garner was seen grabbing coffee with sex therapist Dr. Holly Hein in Brentwood, CA. Uh, interesting?[JustJared]
• Hey! My hometown is in the news! For, uh, booking a Miley Cyrus NYE concert at a local high school? But it's for a gal who has worked hard for breast cancer awareness, so that's nice. [E! Online]
• Justin Bobby and Audrina Patridge enjoy what are probably the last few minutes of their 15 minutes of fame by awkwardly couch-dancing at an "eco-friendly hot spot" in LA. [People]
• Lezebels of 2008, Sam Ronson and Lindsay Lohan, basked in their new titles in South Beach. Sam is doing "much better" after her brief hospital visit. [People]
• Jessica Simpson rushed to the side of her injured beau, Tony Romo, after he collapsed in the shower of his team's locker room after the game on Sunday. [People]
• Ticket sales are down for Elton John's televised NYE bash. Looks like Elton can't back an arena like he used to. [The Sun]
• The title of this video: "Cloris Leachman, Raw and Unclothed." [Extra]
• Dane Cook's brother was arrested by Massachusetts State Police for allegedly stealing millions from his "comedian" brother. Ugh, Dane Cook is the worst, but it sucks when you can't even trust your family anymore. [TMZ]
• Robert Plant was honored by Queen Elizabeth on Wednesday. [Reuters]
• Ho ho ho: Amy Winehouse was spotted frolicking with her hotel's Santa Claus in the Caribbean. [The Sun]
• Try to hold back your disappointment, ladies: Criss Angel and Holly Madison have been spotted looking at engagement rings in Las Vegas. [E! Online]
• Rita Cosby, who alleges that Anna Nicole Smith's former lovers Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern had a homosexual tryst, responds to defamation lawsuit filed by Stern by saying there isn't anything defamatory about calling some dude gay. [TMZ]
• The indie band Dead Man's Bones, of which actor Ryan Gosling is a member, have released a MP3 on their MySpace. [JustJared]

• Madonna's the new face of Vuitton. Do we sense a French accent in the making? [Style.com]
• Wait, isn't Lagerfeld on a low-carb diet? Apparently not in Vermont. Says one lackey, "He requested seven loaves of Pennsylvania Wheat Bread and a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter to be brought directly from New York to the set...My only job was bringing him the bread and the fake butter. Karl paid me $500 to do it, plus he paid off my $200 speeding ticket." [New York Post]
• Hillary Clinton buys three coats, a sweater at Burberry. Glad we're respecting her privacy. [New York Daily News]

• Merger costs take a toll on American Apparel's net. [WWD]
• Michael Stipe designs polo shirt for Lacoste. He “created a monumental two tone photographic image depicting a crowd at a stadium concert from the perspective of a performer on the stage.” [Rolling Stone]
• If you feel an overpowering desire to see the behind-the-scenes workings of Nick Knight shooting Lily Donaldson for V Magazine, you're in luck: they're livestreaming it. [Boing Boing]
• If that thrills you, you may well want to add this $750 Steven Meisel puzzle to your Christmas list. [Fashionista]
• Kenneth Cole launching a politically-themed billboard? What a shocker! The latest is Obama-themed: "A precedent we can be proud of." [BrandWeek]
• J. Crew's shares at an all-time low. Is the high-end gamble not paying off? [Crains]
• And yup, Ann Taylor hits 8-year low. [Crains]
• Tommy Hilfiger gets back into children's clothes. [WWD]
• Teen Vogue's Fashion University seems fun, expensive, exhausting. Who needs real college? [Teen Vogue]
• More counterfeits were seized in New York this year than ever before. A crackdown, or an increase in demand? [WWD]
• Here's a recipe for depressing! Lifetime Television + "dress-up online games." [New York Times]
• Did you catch Sofia Coppola's Miss Dior Cherie ad? Yes, it looked cool and had rad music. [Fashionologie]
• This poor British model has threatened suicide. [The Sun]
• Larry Birkhead is auctioning off some of Dannielynn's clothes for charity. Which is laudable and all but...who's gonna buy them? [ET]
• Be vigilant! Apparently lots of department stores are having stealth sales! [WWD]
• Wow! Europe's largest costumer is auctioning off 100+ years worth of vintage! [VogueUK]
• The new Odin website has dangerous time-wasting potential. [Fashionista]

[Los Angeles, September 11. Image via INF]

• Rumor: After his moving visit to Sierra Leone, David and Victoria Beckham are hoping to adopt a baby girl from Africa! Spokesman for the couple: "While they admire people who go through the adoption process, their focus is raising their own three boys." Still! Posh needs a little girl she can dress up, no? [Telegraph]
  
• Eric Dane has skin cancer. He's on the cover of OK! re: the malignant tissue on his lip, caused by sun damage. More on that in Midweek Madness later today. [Perez Hilton]
  
• Did Angelina Jolie get pregnant to keep Brad? A source says she was worried he would leave her, so she went to an in vitro specialist. Whatever, OMG twins! [MSNBC]
  
• As reported yesterday evening, Britney's manager/"friend" Sam Lutfi probably stole from her. [TMZ]

• In addition, Lutfi ground up pills and put them in Britney's food, Lynne Spears claims. [LA Times]
• Britney's father was unable to visit her in the hospital on Sunday because he was catering a Super Bowl party. She called him at least four times, but then when he finally got to the hospital she was upset with him. [TMZ]
• But Britney did beg her dad to get her out of the hospital, saying, "Daddy... Take my hand and let's walk out of here together." [People]
• A source claims Britney will be able to see her kids again when she stabilizes. Monitored visits, of course, but it would be something. [E!]
• Titillating blind item: "What Justin Timberlake/Britney Spears story is too vulgar even to make it as a Gatecrasher blind item? Read the Rolling Stone cover story on Friday to find out! (Don't eat beforehand.) [Gatecrasher]
• An excerpt from the Rolling Stone story is right here. [Perez Hilton]
• This is random, but remember the mystery of Britney's breasts? Totally solved: She had implants, then had them removed. [Page Six]
• So you know how Tom Cruise was the first to get a new Ducati motorcycle? Brad Pitt is reportedly livid. He wanted to be first. Or at least second. How many children does a man need to have before you'll deliver his fine Italian bike? Jeez. [TMZ]
• Michelle Williams and daughter Matilda are in Perth, Australia for Heath Ledger's funeral. [People]
• The rumor about Jennifer Lopez expecting twins is true, says her dad. We heard she already had them, but whatevs. Here's a theory: They're preemies but the family is keeping it a secret? [People]
• Amy Winehouse was questioned by police regarding her crack smokin' video. No charges were filed... yet. [People]
• Lindsay Lohan claims she'd "much rather be at home" than go out partying these days, but, "that's not to say I'll never go to a club again..." Uh, yeah. [Mirror]
• Actress Rebecca De Mornay was sentenced to three years of probation after pleading no contest to drunk driving. Risky Business, indeed. [Reuters]
• Celine Dion leads the Juno nominations. The Canadian music award winners will be announced on April 6. [Reuters]
• A judge has refused to dismiss a suit brought by two brothers questioned in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway against Dr. Phil. [AP]
• A new book about the death of Anna Nicole alleges that Larry Birkhead is Le Gay. The two male authors say he hit on them, and was close to a "young and handsome" counselor at a camp for HIV-positive youth. Birkhead is pissed and may sue. [Gatecrasher]
• Heather Mills will be representing herself in divorce court next week as she tries to pry off a chunk of Paul McCartney's $1.6 billion. Good luck! (Saying break a leg would be so tacky.) [Page Six]
• Nicky Hilton: Not allowed in the hotel bar her sister is also banned from. So cold! [Page Six]
• Woody Allen on Scarlett Johansson: "I don't want to read about her in the paper with this boyfriend or that boyfriend, or in rehab or taking pills." Dude, you got a crush on her or something? [Page Six]
• OMG, the notorious Vanity Fair Oscar party is canceled! Who will ply the stars with free booze? [Page Six]
• But the Oscars themselves are not canceled, phew. [UPI]
• "I like that I look different. I like having flavor. I think it's funny that women get their lips injected, butt implants. Everyone wants to look like us now." — Jessica Alba in Latina magazine. [Page Six]

[Los Angeles, December 30. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• After three hours in court (Kevin Federline showed up, Britney Spears did not) a family court judge decided that Kevin will retain custody of the kids. For now. Britney is allowed monitored visitation. There will be another hearing on Oct. 26. Also? Kevin was wearing an eyepatch. Britney was at Starbucks with her dog while this was going on. [TMZ]
  
• Is Britney checking into a Caribbean rehab facility this weekend? That would explain why she's so calm. [Perez Hilton]
  
• There is good news for Britney: "Gimme More" is number one on Billboard's Hot Digital Songs chart and #3 on the pop charts. [L.A. Times]
  
• "You are a pig, A sad jobless pig who is sad and talentless..." That's an excerpt from an e-mail from Charlie Sheen to Denise Richards, which she included in documents filed in the custody battle. Also included? Pictures of Charlie's "erect penis" he used for his profile on sex sites. Do not want! [Page Six]

• Ben Affleck is teaching his daughter to love the Red Sox. Poor girl! [Page Six]
• The Angelina Jolie pictures on the cover of In Touch that prompted the "Is she pregnant" story were cropped to hide her flat, flat stomach. Of course! [Page Six]
• Evan Handler, who played Harry Goldenblatt on Sex And The City, showed up to the set of the film Tuesday — and production was halted due to his chronic hiccuping problem. LOL. [Page Six]
• Kim and Kourtney Kardashian: Underage nude picture scandal? Why are we not surprised? [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which weight-loss poster girl has her people replace the labels on her clothes for photo shoots — from 8's and 10's to 4's and 2's?" [Gatecrasher, last item]
• Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia are expecting a baby, due in the spring. [People]
• Rita Cosby, author of Blond Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith's Death was served papers regarding the $60 million suit by Howard K. Stern right on the red carpet of her book party. Ouch! [Radar]
• Sienna Miller was banned from her new movie's afterparty — maybe the producers of the film she is currently shooting wanted to make sure she didn't show up hungover? [Daily Mail]
• Nick Cannon and fiancée Selita Ebanks: Dunzo! This despite the fact that he asked her to marry him via Jumbotron. [People]
• Kid Rock claims that ex-wife Pamela Anderson lied to him about having a miscarriage. Pam says he's just "bitter." But she doesn't deny it, hmmm. [People]
• Are you ready for a Larry Birkhead "day in the life of a daddy" reality show? Yeah, neither are we. [Rush & Molloy]
• Nicky Hilton, Wilmer Valderrama and Nick Lachey are joining forces to open a restaurant called Company in Las Vegas' Luxor hotel and casino. Uh, thanks but no thanks. [E!]

• Yesterday we read that Lindsay Lohan was seen buying beer — now there's a report that she failed a drug test in rehab. What the hell is going on? Seriously. [The Sun]
  
• Amy Winehouse texted her father from the Caribbean, claiming to be "right as rain." We don't know much about British sayings but we're pretty sure that doesn't mean "high as a kite," which is a plus. [Mirror]
  
• Meanwhile, Amy's dad says he prays for her every other day. Also, he's a cabbie in London; did you know that? [The Sun]
  
• James Blunt: Chasing models, singing karaoke with Paris Hilton, continuing to exist. [Page Six]
  
• Mischa Barton can't dance. Shocker. [Page Six]
  
• Bridget Moynahan refused to see Tom Brady after she gave birth to his son — but he was allowed to see the baby. That's one tough mama! [Gatecrasher]

• OK! magazine was going to cover Dannielynn's first birthday party, but now fear that they were "tricked" by Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern. [Gatecrasher, 2nd item]
• Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson are on a "romantic getaway" in Turks and Caicos and you're not. [Gatecrasher, 3rd from bottom]
• Blind item! "Which struggling new glossy is so out of money that staffers are having to pay for photos on personal credit cards?" [Gatecrasher, last item]
• Blind item! "Which repeat rehabber helps her hotel staffers earn extra points when they wait on her? The upscale hotels, who require staffers to earn points based on rooms they tend to, get three times the amount to pick up her panties, scores of condoms and tidy up the room after she trashes it." [Rush & Molloy, 6th item]
• David Letterman, who very rarely appears on shows other than his own, will be on Oprah! [YahooNews]
• Ashley Olsen will play a "sexually promiscuous girl" in a movie based on a Bret Easton Ellis novel. Superman's Brandon Routh will play a vampire. [Reuters]
• David Beckham down! Becks sprained his knee Wednesday night in something called the SuperLiga final. We just had a vision of Posh tending to him in a nurse's outfit. [SportsIllustrated]

The Good: Sophia Bush looks sleek, Eve proves that jumpsuits are hot, Oleysa Rudin rocks modest-chic, and Emily Deschanel is just so pretty and classy that we would totally hate her if we didn't totally love her.

The Bad: Miley Cyrus found Nemo — on her dress, Avril Lavigne needs to get a new look already, Vanessa Hudgens looks like Cleopatra at the prom, and Hillary Duff could be twins with pre-nose job Ashlee Simpson

The Ugly: David Spade, Ryan Seacrest, Sanjaya, and Larry Birkhead: Enough said.

[Universal City, CA; August 26. Images via FilmMagic.]

• Christina Aguilera is in the family way! Just like with a genie in a bottle, her husband rubbed her the right way. The baby-making way. [E!]
  
• Isaiah Washington's verbal diarrhea of the day: He now says Patrick Dempsey is to blame for his spewing of hate speech. [ABC News]
  
• R.I.P Beverly Sills. And big thanks to our Intro to Opera prof from college, without whom we would not care about Sills' passing. [CNN]
  
• Violent crime in South Africa is at an "unacceptable" level. Do we hear the sweet sound of the Truth and Reconciliation Committee: The Revival? [BBC]

• We all know that Pete Doherty is no fan of rehab. But now he like, totally loves it! Or so he told a judge when faced with the choice of rehab or jail. Rehab is fun! Just ask Lohan, Petey Boy! [BBC]
• President Bush still might pardon Scooter Libby, on top of commuting his sentence? Way to practice small government and morality, Republicans! [CNN]
• Awkward international news item of the day: Japan's defense minister saying that it was sorta okay for the U.S. to have dropped the A-bomb on his country during WWII. And all over the world, people squirm uncomfortably. [NYT]
• Katie Holmes, Rosie O'Donnell, and Anna Nicole (and Larry Birkhead's!) baby were 3 of British tabloid OK's list of the 19 Most Influential Celebrities. We cry for Rosie, to be put in such company. [Yahoo]
• Even senior citizens have to show ID to buy booze in Tennessee now. Which means that those poor, unfortunate college students don't stand a chance in hell. [Slate]
• How does Paris Hilton show how much jail has matured her? By scoring a Hello Kitty t-shirt, of course. [People.com]
• The Dept of Defense's website is down, and thus our regular source for reporting the U.S. casualty reports is thwarted. How do you say "vast right wing conspiracy"? [DoD]
• Wait! Ugh. Reports of 5 U.S. casualties today. [Iraq Coalition Casualties]

• John Travolta goes all Tom Cruise and says to 'just say no' to psychiatric drugs. Believe us, we've tried. And all that happened was a lot of crying and a lot of weight-gain. [ABC News]
  
• Fatwa, shmatwa: Salman Rushdie will get knighted, despite outcry from Pakistani community. We say this will definitely make Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi hot for her hubby again. [BBC]
  
• Sen. Hillary Clinton issues statement calling President Bush "out of touch" in response to his vetoing of stem cell research bill. Honey, you're the one who picked a Celine Dion song as your campaign theme: Don't judge! [CNN]
  
• And yet, Bill and Hillary Clinton will both be honored by VH1's 'Save the Music' come September. And again we say: Celine Bleeping Dion??? [USA Today]

• Don't flush your bra but it's okay ok to flush a kitten if you're trying to save its life. [CNN]
• Larry Birkhead says of daughter Dannielynn: "She has long legs and chubby little toes exactly like Anna's; it's like a mirror image." [USA Today]
• The New York Times is raising its prices for its print edition; Times Select looks increasingly appealing. [Yahoo News]
• 1 U.S. casualty identified. [DoD]

Welcome to Midweek Madness — our weekly gagazine fest with Intern Maria, who always wears cute outfits and makes us scared to leave the house looking like we do —in which we "read" the weekly tabloid magazines. So you don't "have" to.

Star
•Cover Story: "Angie's Down to 98 Pounds!" (pages 42-45). Star says that Angelina is still scary-skinny, having hot flashes and collapsing. Why? Because of her mother's death and her "punishing schedule". A cover story? Really? And this qualifies as "news" according to whom? The carrier pigeons who just delivered the Reader's Digest to Star's bureau in Bhutan?
•"Lindsay's Rehab Confessions" (pages 36-37). Star reports that some fellow rehabbers at Promises are spilling info from Lindsay's group-counseling sessions. The secrets: Lindsay has problems with men (no shit!) and uses alcohol as a means of coping with her own "social anxiety". Also: The staff at Promises worry that Lindsay might be bulimic, and Lindsay has told her mom Dina to put the brakes on her reported TV show before she ruins her other kids' lives.
•On page 49, Star runs an "exclusive" on a woman's three-month affair with George Clooney that she described to the U.K.'s Daily Mirror. (Funny how we thought that fact sort of made it the Daily Mirror's exclusive!) Star takes a little liberty in clarifying the woman's story by making sure to add that she is an "exotic dancer": "We kissed and cuddled into the early hours, but he didn't make me feel like a[n exotic] dancer"
•Nicole Richie has popped around 73,000 pills (pages 40-41)! Star editors calculate this number by taking the word of an "insider" that she used to take 50 pills a day starting at age twenty, then multiplying that by six years, then subtracting two of those years because she went to rehab a bunch of times. The story also contains the following pull-quote from an "insider": "Since she was 20, Nicole has taken enough pills for an entire population." An entire population of, um, moderately relaxed people?
•New contender for the Celebrity Couple You Least Want To Imagine Fucking Award: Tommy Lee and Kimberley Stewart (page 19).

US Weekly (Otherwise known as the New Yorker of celeb weeklies!)
•Cover Story: Hollywood's Hot New Diet! (Pages 50-55) Have you heard? Jessica Simpson has slimmed down a bit. Her trainer plugs his new book The 5-Factor Diet. A bunch of other celebs lost weight too! The trick apparently is eating fewer calories and exercising! The story contains the sentence: "(Go to 5factordiet.com for book and delivery service details.)" Wow, US really knows how to put the "service" in "service journalism!"
•Kyra Sedgwick poses the question "What is really the difference between putting makeup on and having stuff shot up your face?" (Page 16). Well, Kyra, besides the needles, and the money, and the fact that you can't steal a little evening Botox from Sephora, we're totally drawing a blank!
•Jessica Biel has officially had enough fake-tan sessions to play Mariane Pearl in the sequel to A Mighty Heart. (Page 37)
•"Us Plays Ask the Shrink!" (Pages 68-71). US asks Dr. Drew Pinsky to analyze celebrity behavior. According to Dr. Drew, Britney and Kelly Clarkson are the craziest, the latter for stating in Elle magazine that she doesn't want to get married. We think Dr. Drew is kind of crazy for thinking anyone who grew up listening to Loveline isn't totally afraid of twentysomething dudes.

In Touch
•Cover Story: "Nicole's Bump Gets Bigger!" (Pages 40-43) InTouch still wants to believe that Nicole Richie is pregnant, saying that she is avoiding alcohol. Yeah, in much the same way we avoid alcohol!
•Heroes star Hayden Panettiere's mom is trying to beat Dina Lohan in the department of Stage Moms Who Try Too Hard. (Page 17.) Seriously, who would mistake a woman wearing pantyhose for someone young enough to be Hayden's sister?
•Larry Birkhead moves into Anna Nicole Smith's house, classing up the joint with a leopard-print chair! (Page 45.)

Life & Style
•Cover Story: Wedding News! (Pages 40-42.) Can Life & Style find an excuse not to mentino The Hills' blondiful Heidi and Spencer? No they cannot! Also, the magazine's editors calm our fears that Jennifer Aniston might be rushing into things with her boyfriend of two-weeks, Paul Sculfor. Cause we were worried!
•Apparently Angelina Jolie wants to get married (pages 32-35) and Brad Pitt says that "his life began" the day he met her, thus creating a whole new barrage of stories for following week about how "Jen is hurt by Brad, again" and "Brad gives Jen the final message: it's over for good!"

Our pick: US! Though we sincerely hope Dr. Marc Siegel was not behind their estimate that John Mayer was once 225 pounds!

Interestingly, however, People doesn't close until Tuesday night, making them the only celebrity weekly to hit the stands this week with a story on the DNA results. And it's interesting to note that the doctors who performed the DNA results knew that Birkhead was the father back on March 26, but held out on disclosing that information until yesterday afternoon. Could it have been a strategic move to give People a leg up on their competition? A thank you for the $1 million Howard and Anna received for their fake-wedding photos? Or maybe a gesture of gratitude toward TMZ for making Debra Opri look like a money-hungry, bloodsucking lawyer when they published the ridiculous bill she sent to Birkhead? Seeing that People and TMZ are both owned (or partially-owned) by Time Warner, we fully expect the rival weeklies to come out next week with stories on what an irresponsible, uncaring child that homewrecker Dannielynn is. Hey, they did it to Angelina!

DNA Test: Birkhead Is Dannielynn's Father [People]
Related: Angelina Jolie Is A Hypocrite And A Bad Mom, Says 'US' [Gawker]

More self-referential fun after the jump!

AnnaNicole: oy. no, i don't think ramming was necessary. she was probably well loosened up from practice.
AnnaNicole: that is so mean of me! i forgot: she had an unremarkable anus.
BirkheadBlonde: she coulda had a non-botched vaginoplasty
BirkheadBlonde: hahahahahaha
BirkheadBlonde: HAH!
BirkheadBlonde: right, so i love "it's just hard to do this by myself"
BirkheadBlonde: like anna nicole would have been so much help!!!!
AnnaNicole: i feel sorry for howard for some reason
BirkheadBlonde: um, ew.
AnnaNicole: did u find graphic?
BirkheadBlonde: wait, he's actually kind of hot, howard k. stern.
AnnaNicole: ARE YOU CRAZY?????
BirkheadBlonde: well, obviously.
BirkheadBlonde: you wouldn't want me any other way.
AnnaNicole: so true
BirkheadBlonde: that's a billy joel reference
BirkheadBlonde: btw
BirkheadBlonde: i don't know if billy joel is too modern for your tastes
BirkheadBlonde: lol
AnnaNicole: you're so culturally literate!
AnnaNicole: haha
BirkheadBlonde: actually a cover of the billy joel song i am referencing was the theme song to the short lived sitcom "dave's world"
BirkheadBlonde: about the life of columnist dave barry
BirkheadBlonde: just to show you how culturally literate I REALLY am