When Hilton appeared last week on The Howard Stern Show, he accused Handler (not for the first time) of having surgery to reduce the size of her labia. In this short clip, Hilton manages to insult both Handler and Lauren Conrad's "lady bits" , telling Chelsea that if she has undergone cosmetic surgery on her reproductive organs, she could be a "role model to women, if you were open about it." Handler ended the discussion by pulling out her cloth vagina, and saying the only real thing you can say to all this crap: "at least it's something to talk about."

"For someone like you, who at your young age is already developing those lines, I think Botox would be reasonable," said Dr. Heidi Waldorf, director of laser and cosmetic dermatology at Mount Sinai, referring to the area between my brows. "Clearly you are a squinter or a squisher."

See, ladies? These days, we're washed up old hags before we hit 30! But that's nothing compared to the poor teens who are obsessed with getting labiaplasties because they think their junk is weird or inadequate. Time reports that, on the sex ed website Scarleteen, teens are "commiserating" about their labia, writing things like "i REALLY h8 mine! They hang really REALLY low and r SO long!" According to Time, the women of the New View Campaign, who protested Monday in New York outside the New York City's Manhattan Center for Vaginal Surgery, want those teens to know that genitals are like snowflakes: each one is different and beautiful! They're protesting labiaplasties and other vaginal cosmetic surgeries by wearing giant cloth vulva costumes because as NYU sexologist and New View leader Leonore Tiefer says, "Promoting a very narrow definition of what women's genitals ought to look like — even for those women who don't want surgery, it harms them."

Botox - At Age 26? New York Doctors Weigh In [NYDN]
Plastic Surgery Below the Belt [Time]

• In the weakest blind item ever, the NY Daily News' Ben Widdicombe asks which designer's recent stint in "rehab" also masked (hah!) a cosmetic surgery and recovery. WHO could it be? And, uh, for what? A facelift? Calf implants? Labiaplasty?? Photo scrutiny-fest to come. [Gatecrasher]
  
• In totally unrelated news, 'Page Six' reminds readers that Marc Jacobs just got out of rehab. And oh yeah, he's getting back together with his douchey boyfriend, whose initials he now has tattooed above his belly button. [Page Six]
  
• Remember how Barbra Streisand and Katharine Hepburn tied for Best Actress at the 1969 Oscars? (We know you weren't born a day before 1980, homos, it's a figure of speech!) Anyway, it was sort of like that at the Oscars of Fashion last night, wherein an industry vet and a pair of tenacious up-and-comers (Oscar de la Renta and Proenza Schouler's Jack McCollough and Lazaro Hernandez) tied for Womenswear Designer Of The Year for a second year in a row. [AP via Washington Post]

• The rise of the minimum wage is creating a rise in anxiety for teen clothing retailers, a business predicated on the idea that if you hire slutty-looking, inexperienced high school kids to hawk your wares, you can make up for the amount of shit they let their friends steal by paying them practically nothing. WTF, federal government? Can we, like, vote on this? [WWD, sub req'd]
• In the weirdest revenge tale we've heard of late, French Sole shoe designer Jane Winkworth names her designs after people she hates, shuffling the letters of their names around. We hope to see ZELBEEJ on someone's feet soon: Anyone that crazy probably hates a lot of people, and also, probably designs pretty nice stuff. [Vogue UK]

Last week, when I got a labiaplasty consultation, I had a man doctor look at my lady parts. While he told me that my vadge didn't look "that bad" (thanks?) my labia majora could still be improved upon. He recommended vaginal lip lipo, saying that it was unlikely I would ever lose the labia fat through diet and exercise because I'm not "grossly overweight" (This guy really knows how to give a girl a compliment.)

For my second opinion, I made an appointment with a woman doctor. I'd been tipped off that this doc had hired a PR firm to handle the cosmetic surgery portion of her practice. The reasons behind why a gynecologist would need to publicize such procedures seemed questionable to me. But I couldn't help but think that since this gyno was a woman, she couldn't possibly be on board for making money by allowing women to feel inadequate and self-conscious about yet another part of their bodies.

I have to say that I really liked this doctor right off the bat, which I hadn't been expecting. In her billowing, multi-layered, long black skirt, she reminded me of Stevie Nicks, and that sort of organic, mystical grace comforted me much more than the typical, cold, clinical experience of being examined.

For this visit, instead of making up some bogus excuse as to why I was displeased with my very normal labia, I decided to just let Dr. Blank, Medicine Woman take a look a my crotch and tell me what she thought of it.

I placed my feet in the stirrups. With my lips parted, I kept my mouth shut and let her go to work. To my pleasant surprise, she was way honest with me about how there wasn't much she could do, and she also informed me of some very crucial info that the dude doctor failed to relay, regarding damaging the nerves of my clit (aka my livelihood!), should I go through with any surgery to my labia majora.

You know, I thought that first doctor's idea of lip lipo sounded sort of insane. I watch Discovery Health Channel. Lipo is a violent procedure. I imagine it would ransack your property downtown. I feel for any girl who would be misguided enough to go down that route. I mean, I really feel for her. Just thinking about that shit gives me phantom pains.

Earlier: Pimp My Vadge
We're Beginning To Look A Lot Like Barbie

When I first heard about labioplasty and vaginoplasty a few years ago, it sounded like a procedure that would only appeal to porn stars and women who practice the rhythm method—you know, SUVs—Service Utility Vaginas. But vaginal plastic surgery is a growing trend as evidenced by the opening of practices dedicated to the procedure, like the one I dragged my labes to on Manhattan's Upper East Side.

Frankly, I think this whole cookie-cutter cooch thing is bunch of bullshit. I'm a feminist and everything, but I'll be the first to acknowledge that vaginas aren't always pretty. The thing is though, vaginas are supposed to be like that. And just like snowflakes, no two are the same. I'm sure there are occasions of extreme physical abnormality, but those cases are rare. Because if they were common, then they wouldn't be abnormal, now would they?

Honestly, I have no beef with my lips—they've always done right by me. So when I was finally in the doctor's office, and he asked me what I wanted fixed, I had to think fast on my feet—or in my stirrups, rather. It's really clear to anyone looking that I don't have a labia minora problem, so I made up a complaint about my labia majora. I was somewhat shocked that he agreed that something could be done to improve the appearance of my pussy.

It was weird watching the doctor push and tug at my labia in the promotional Ortho Tri-Cyclen mirror that the nurse was holding up. It was even weirder because he was kind of sexy, with his salt and pepper hair and his toothy grin. Still, it was sort of upsetting when he told me that my outer lips could stand to loose some weight through lipo. No girl likes to be told she's chubby—even if it's only in the labia. Something about that visit was fishy—and it had nothing to do with my legs being spread wide open.