Oh yes, I did: I love Padma, but this simply has too much going on, none of it good. And I have a particular aversion to tumor-like embellishment.


Sarah Silverman's Velasquez-worthy panniers are...incredibly unflattering. That's all I'll say.


Patricia Arquette usually makes her way into this category for something more spectacular; this was merely dowdy.


Adore Jessica Lange, adore the color, adore the old-school-glam concept: it's only the fit that gives me pause.


Jenna Fischer makes the mistake of taking style tips from Belle Watling.


I concede that Blake Lively's plunging gown was borderline: I think it's the Vegas-ready sequin detailing that put it over the edge.


There's only one word for the fabrication of Hope Davis' gown: "wizard."


I actually gasped at the frumpiness of the normally-chic Kyra Sedgwick's grotesquely mumsy drapery. It's as if a mother-in-law who hated her chose her outfit.


Nancy O'Dell lives down to her usual red carpet standard. And yes, I am still bitter that she got Austin kicked off.


Eva La Rue's crummy-looking gown's not even Vegas: it's Atlantic City.


Whatever Jessica Lowndes envisioned, I'm guessing it wasn't this shepherdess debacle.


I wonder who Victoria Rowell voted for? And I'm just going to say it: "man's face, enormous" is generally a bad idea for a gown pattern.

[Images via Getty]

• Jennifer Lopez "threw a fit" when guests were late to her 40th birthday bash:

"An Evening With Lola" was supposed to be perfect — Lola is Marc Anthony's nickname for Lopez, and she entered the party to the song "Whatever Lola Wants." Bu there were empty seats when the dinner started and Jennifer was "fuming." [Gatecrasher]

• Rihanna and Chris Brown: In the same NYC hotel for about two days. "It was just a coincidence" and they never saw each other. [NY Post]
• Jon Gosselin: "I care about Kate Major, she resigned from her job for me. Right now, my focus is on my relationship with my kids. My personal relationship is private." [E!]
• But! Jon says: "At this point ... I'm single – per se. I'm just a regular guy who just wants to have friendship and good times. And I like meeting people." Uh, what? What about Hailey Glassman? "She's always a good friend of mine. Her family is so good. They took me in and I lived there for a while. I love them to death." Okay, so are you together? "We are going to chill out for a while and see where it takes us. I'm not looking for anyone." And what about Kate 2.0? We are just friends." [People]
• Jon shopped Madison Avenue and spent $950 on one pair of shoes. [Page Six]
• Kate Hudson! Alex Rodriguez! Kissing! At Yankee Stadium! [NY Daily News]
• Were Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart forced to be apart at Comic-Con, since the focus was supposed to be on Kristen and Taylor Lautner instead? [E!]
• It's official: Nadya Suleman has signed a reality show deal and each of her 14 kids will earn $250 a day. Taping begins September 1. [Us Magazine]
• Kate Moss has signed up to be a judge on Simon Cowell's new battle of the bands show, which attempts to discover an unsigned group. [Mirror]
• Carly Simon was a surprise guest (via speakerphone) at Simon Cowell's 50th birthday on Saturday and joked that "You're So Vain" was about him. [The Sun]
• Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul are still trying to wring more money out of American Idol. [LA Times]
• David Beckham had yet another confrontation with a fan during a Los Angeles Galaxy match; this time some dude allegedly dissed Victoria. "What he was saying about my wife was a disgrace," Bekcham says. [BBC News]
• Because he doesn't have more pressing things to worry about, Amy Winehouse's father Mitch has recorded an album with some Frank Sinatra covers and his own songs. [The Sun]
• Now that they're divorced, Blake Fielder-Civil is talking about the time Amy almost died in his arms from a drug overdose. [Daily Mail]
• LeAnn Rimes and husband Dean Sheremet are separated. This news comes right after last week's Midweek Madness revelation that LeAnn and Eddie Cibrian are still having an affair. Eddie's wife says she and her husband are "taking some time apart." So make of it what you will. [Us Magazine]
• Dean's Twitter reads: "Thanks to everyone for all the support through a very difficult time!" [People]
• If you want to read some "what went wrong?" speculation about LeAnn and Dean's relationship, go ahead. [People]
• Robert Plant was in a car crash but he's okay. [Telegraph
• Orlando Bloom has decided not to appear in the next Pirates of the Caribbean film; because everything "tied up nicely for his character Will Turner." [Daily Mail]
• Farrah Fawcett left her estate — a couple of million dollars — to her son, Redmond, but nothing to her "long-term lover" Ryan O'Neal. [Daily Mail]
• PETA hearts Hayden Panettiere. [Page Six]
• BREAKING: Adrian Grenier buys drinks for ladies. [Page Six]
• Candy Spelling is communicating with Tori Spelling via TMZ now. [TMZ]
• Leslie Mann says being married to Judd Apatow has its perks: "I haven't had to audition in a while. I'm the worst auditioner ever. And no, I didn't have to audition for [Funny People]." [USA Today]
• Michael Jackson's "secret Norwegian love child" claims his mom was employed at Neverland as a nanny; while his dad was a driver. Sing: The kid is not my son. [Daily Mail]
• "Michael Jackson's strenuous rehearsal schedule was causing him to lose 5-6 pounds a day, according to his nurse Cherilyn Lee." [MSNBC]
• Ugh: Seems like Dr. Conrad Murray gave Michael Jackson Propofol, left the room, and when he returned, Michael was dead. He did CPR, but it didn't work. Paramedics wanted to pronounce MJ dead at the house but Dr. Murray wanted him taken to the hospital, where even after doctors gave up, Dr. Murray continued CPR. Strange behavior for a doc. And if all this is true then OK! had a picture of a dead body on its cover. [TMZ, TMZ]
• Dr. Tohme Tohme has revealed that he has turned over "secret" money given to him by Michael Jackson for the purchase of a home in Las Vegas. [Mirror]
• Peter Jackson says he's about 3 or 4 weeks away from turning in a draft of a script for The Hobbit. [LA Times]
• Something about Katherine Heigl and her costar's penis, in that romcom that came in well below the guinea pig movie at the box office this weekend. [E!]
• True Blood season 3 teases at the link. [EW]
• Plus! True Blood video: Anna Paquin, Alexander Skarsgård, and Stephen Moyer speaking in their real accents. [EW]
• For next year, Lost is bringing back characters from season one. "Just trust us," executive producer Carlton Cuse asks. [Reuters]
• Meet the new Real Housewife Of Atlanta: Kandi Burruss. [CNN]
• Protect your ears: Carrie Prejean sings. [TMZ]
• Javier Bardem turned down the role in Oliver Stone's Wall Street sequel, and now Josh Brolin is being offered the part. [Deadline Hollywood]
• "Is John Travolta cracking up? It's not just grief - and guilt - over his dead son that are tearing the actor apart." [Daily Mail]
• Boy George was blocked from becoming a Hare Krishna because of his homosexuality… in the late '80s. [Daily Express]
• It's too early for a Joe Francis video about bribing and girls. [TMZ]
• "Rachel Hunter is leaving Los Angeles and returning home to New Zealand to get over being dumped just weeks before her wedding," [Daily Express]
• Billy Bob Thornton's estranged daughter: Free on bail. [UPI]
• An arrest has been made in connection to the death of American Idol contestant Alexis Cohen. [TMZ]
• Katie "Jordan" Price didn't get a role as a "naturally sexy" large-breasted Irish nanny in the Sex And The City movie sequel. [The Sun]
• Retro gossip: Bob Dylan wanted to make sure he got paid when he did a screen test for Andy Warhol. [Page Six]
• HBO scored highest among 15 networks for its representation of gay characters last season, according to a report released today. [AP]
• "I've hugged those breasts. There aren't many people who can say that." — Allison Janney on Dolly Parton. [Page Six]
• "It feels really good to be able to buy a place by myself. It is time for me to move. I have lived in a condo and it's just time. I've always wanted to buy a big house myself and it is so gratifying to be able to." — Kim Kardashian. [People]
• "Surgery was a success, now I just have to let it heal. I am totally jazzed that they found the problem, fixed it and in about four months my hand will feel like I am 18 again." — Eddie Van Halen. [UPI]
• "I didn't want to act. It wasn't like I was waiting in the wings, like All About Eve. It was a refuge, and I found to my surprise that I liked these people." — Hugh Dancy. [NY Times]
• "Years ago one of my mentors, Orson Welles, told me, 'A career is made not by what you do but by what you don't do.' But so much about these past few years has been about saying yes, and it's really paid off." — Cybill Shepherd, who will play a former witch on the new ABC series Eastwick, based on The Witches Of Eastwick. [NY Times]
• "I always look at a script and say, 'Can I do my thing? Can I pop?' If it's a small part, can I pop, can I make an impact with this part? . . . I don't want to be pegged as something definitive. I want to be chameleon-like." — Kyra Sedgwick. [LA Times]
• "She's so smart we wanted her to find a cure for AIDS or something. We were pretty firm about her finishing her education but when we saw how talented she was we finally said okay." — Blythe Danner on wanting daughter Gwyneth Paltrow to do something other than acting. [Daily Express]
• "I was student council president. I even had my own office. I was a cheerleader, too. I found out about cheerleader camp and heard that there were about six guys and 3,000 girls, so I signed up. It was a precursor for a rock-and-roll career." — what Chris Isaak was like in high school. [WaPo]
• "If we're going to do a Rescue Me movie, and I joked about this a couple of years ago when they brought it up … and I said, 'What if we do a Rescue Me movie, so it's the Rescue Me cast, but they're not firefighters and it's a zombie movie.' And they were like, 'What?' And I was like: 'How cool would that be? It's the Rescue Me cast, but it's a zombie movie.' And they were like, 'No.' And I was like, 'Well, that's the only way I'm doing it.' Like 'Shaun of the Dead, like a funny, real scary zombie movie. … They didn't go for it." — Denis Leary. [UPI]
• "No one in my family watches it. My wife, my mum, my sisters; they've never watched it. I don't think it even occurs to them." — Dominic West, on The Wire. [Telegraph]
• "The No. 1 demographic of high school dropouts are Latino women. I know there are economic factors for why young Latinos are so undereducated, but it also starts with what we place importance on as a culture. We have to empower the next generation to accept education as a way up, and I believe you have to start with the women so they can pass it on to their kids." — America Ferrara, at a commencement speech for Kaplan University. [UPI]
• "I kicked some major butt. It was many, many, hours, days, and months of stunt training and strength training, but it's fun because I had a goal. The goal was the Lycra catsuit." — Scarlett Johansson on preparing for her "unforgiving" Black Widow costume. [People]

• Jessica Alba put up posters of sharks in Oklahoma City — defacing a United Way billboard — and then took pictures of herself, arms raised victorious. Turns out…

The landlocked city wasn't too keen on being plastered with shark posters and the United Way — a non-profit — will have to pay to have them removed. Alba has released a statement which reads: "I got involved in something I should have had no part of. I realize that I should have used better judgment and I regret not thinking things through before I made a spontaneous and ill-advised decision to let myself get involved with the people behind this campaign. I sincerely apologize to the citizens of Oklahoma City and to the United Way for my involvement in this incident." By the by, the "campaign" is supposed to raise awareness of Great White sharks, not that the posters have any text about that, anywhere. [TMZ]

• Kendra Wilkinson: Pregnant. [Perez]
• LOL: "Beyoncé drives 15 yards from hotel to go shopping." Involved: Two chauffeur-driven cars and a "group" of bodyguards. [Telegraph]
• Brad Pitt hit up the Art Basel event in Switzerland and purchased a swirly oil painting of a race car (seen here) for just under one million bucks. [WSJ]
• Madonna is "on top of the world" and "just days away" from adopting Malawian kid Mercy James, who will arrive in NYC via private jet. [The Sun]
• Britney is trying to get rid of London concert tickets, selling them at the bargain-basement price of £2. [The Sun]
• And! A '"source" is confirming that Britney is dating her agent, Jason Trawick, whom she "always had a crush" on and is also one of her brother Bryan's best friends. [People]
• Uh-oh, Tonys drama: Even though Neil Patrick Harris was joking about it, and immediate word was that Bret Michaels was okay, Bret was never informed that the set piece would be descending — so he did not "miss a mark," as reported. And Bret's rep says: "Had this incident happened to Liza Minnelli, Dolly Parton or Elton John the Tonys would have at least issued a letter of concern." True that! [Rolling Stone]
• Kanye West and Amber Rose: Dunzo. In a word: Boo. They were hot together. [Page Six]
• Take a moment and read this great piece, in which John Krasinski interviews Maya Rudolph. [BlackBook]
• Chris Brown was at a club in Miami, and so was Khloe Kardashian, but a source makes sure to say: "They were not there together. [E!]
• Congrats to Thomas Beattie, the "pregnant man," who has given birth to his second child, a baby boy. [ABC News]
• "Jon & Kate more popular than Brangelina?" Apparently the People issue with Jon on the cover sold very well. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Headline of the day: "Tina Fey: Let's Face It; She Rocks." [LA Times]
• Ugh, these two are seriously playing things out in the press way too much: Kelly Rutherford's estranged husband says he wasn't notified of his daughter's birth on Monday night and had to read about it on the Internet like the rest of us plebes. [People]
• Good news: Mad Men and AMC have settled that dispute over the two minutes that were going to be cut. The solution: The show will run over into the 11pm hour. No complaints here! [Deadline Hollywood]
• Ugh, why, why?!?! "David Carradine Sex Toy Shopping List." [TMZ]
• The Australian Prime Minister is calling Gordon Ramsay a "new form of lowlife" after the chef called a female TV presenter a pig and a lesbian in front of 3,000 people at a live cooking show. [Independent]
• Gordon Ramsay has apologized for his comments, saying he realized "with hindsight" that what he said was inappropriate. But it can't be undone, sir! [The Star]
• Even Gordon Ramsay's mother was "disgusted" by his remarks. [Yahoo News via AFP]
• Set your DVR: Kathy Griffin will visit the Late Show with David Letterman for the first time in 12 years. [UPI]
  
• Want to see a picture of Mickey Rourke as Whiplsh in Iron Man 2? Click the link! [USA Today]
• Ever one to keep the world guessing, Lauryn Hill has canceled all of her European tour dates. [Yahoo News via AP]
• At the Apollo Theater's 75th Anniversary concert, Prince called Patti LaBelle "My mother, my teacher, my cook and my stylist." [Gatecrasher]
• James Van Der Beek and wife: Splitsville. Hoping someone will use that awesome weepy Dawson animated gif! [Us Weekly]
• Q: How do you maintain your ageless beauty? What beauty products would we find in your bathroom? Vanessa Williams: "Twice a year I receive Botox injections from a doctor whom I trust very much. I also have some favorite beauty products that I use on a daily basis-Perfekt's Skin Perfection Gel and Mila Moursi's moisturizing oil." Q: What defines sexy for you in terms of your own personal style at 46? Vanessa Williams: " Being at ease with yourself and your body is sexy. Every woman should accentuate their best assets and not be afraid to show them off." [Essence.com]
• Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson's son Colin Hanks got engaged, and Rita gave the bride-to-be a $10,000 handbag as congratulations. What will the wedding gift be??? [Page Six]
• For some reason, it is "newsworthy" that Katie "Jordan" Price is taking kickboxing. In fact, this paper spins it as she's "getting fit for her divorce." Dumb. [The Sun]
• Usher was seen entering a hotel with a woman who works at a record label. Business or pleasure? [Page Six]
• Etta James' At Last — along with twenty four other "culturally significant recordings" — have been selected for preservation in the sound archives of the Library Of Congress' National Recording Registry. [USA Today]
• "Robin Gibb of the Bee Gees is lending his voice to the fight for artists' rights in the age of digital piracy." [Breitbart]
• "Bombshell: He has been hailed as the greatest living Welshman, but records of Sir Tom Jones's ancestry have revealed the awkward truth: he is three-quarters English." [Times Of London]
• Blind item! "Which music man brings along three necessities on all his tours: men in tight shorts, muscular food servers and Persian rugs?" [Gatecrasher]
• "It was totally a publicity stunt. 100%. I have her [Peaches] on retainer. Not as my PR, as my friend. On my personal payroll. She's my friend for money. She also orchestrates publicity stunts for me." — Max Drummey, Peaches Geldof's ex-husband, joking (?) about their marriage. [Daily Mail]
• "It's been really unpleasant and makes you feel really vulnerable. But the fact of the matter is that we did not lose everything. We lost hard-earned money that we worked very hard for that was what we thought in a safe place. It's painful but a lot of people lost a lot more. And we have a lot of things to be grateful for in our life, and we never ever forget that." — Kyra Sedgwick on she and Kevin Bacon investing with Bernie Madoff. [AP]
• "My uncle owned a camp in Minnesota, a girls' camp that's still up and running called Camp Birchwood. All the cool things I know how to do, I learned how to do at camp… Like carry a canoe on my back for miles and miles. That's kind of cool." — Julia Roberts, who was at an event raising money for Paul Newman's Hole in the Wall camps. [USA Today]
• "Separate 'sexist' from 'sex.' There's a lot of discussion about sex on the show, and I think people have a knee-jerk reaction: 'Oh, my God, that's sexist!' People kind of lose their minds as soon as they hear the word or prefix 'sex.'" — David Duchovny. [LA Times]
• "I thought back to when I was in high school: I was very into music, but the equipment was really expensive and hard to get a hold of. The basketball court at school was free. Or it was free to play a violin or a drum set, but the way music on the radio is made, there was nothing in high school that helped with that." — Kanye West, on the the Kanye West Foundation, a charity which helps kids learn to write music and use music studio equipment. [USA Today]
• "There was no one who inspired me or who I thought was worthy." — Paul McCartney, on why he didn't vote in he European elections. [Telegraph]
• "Ryan is rock hard, but no no no no, nothing was hard. I'm sure it gets hard, but not that time, and it was all fine. I mean, I wouldn't know if he had anything down there because I never looked!" — Sandra Bullock on her nude scene with Ryan Reynolds in The Proposal. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Q: How do you keep that body in shape? When I told a friend I was talking to you, he said, "Ask her how she gets that ass!" A: "I wasn't blessed in the upstairs department. Baby was given some back at birth. Didn't know what to do with it at first, but it's just what I got. The purpose is to maintain it and keep it where it is. I was an athlete all my life. I have an athlete's body. I don't have a model's body. We also get paid to go to the gym. But you know, I get lazy just like everyone else. I'm not a fanatic. I love to feel good, but I'll put on weight. But if you're getting paid to be naked, you do put the incline on six and stay on there a little bit longer because it's like, If my ass is going to be on camera, let's make sure it's in the right place when they start rolling film." — Sandra Bullock. [Yahoo News via E!]
• "My whole theory on this part is, I won the lottery. Not only am I on this show with incredible writers and all that, but I've been given a part they can have play good stuff and bad stuff, all at once. I'm not just in the comedic parts, I'm not just in the dramatic parts, it's an incredible role in which you can kind of ride the rail between both things." — John Krasinski, on The Office. [LA Times]
• "She's out there drinking and partying and she should not be doing that. People see her drinking. She should stay away from it. With the drugs, I think she's in a much better place than she used to be. But I have a problem with her being even on prescription medication." — Michael Lohan on daughter Lindsay. [Perez]
• "Truth… autographs R annoying." — Ashton Kutcher. [Perez]
• "I'm proud of my sexuality . . . I embrace it. [But] I'm trying to be a singer, not a civil rights leader." Adam "Glambert" Lambert. [Page Six]
• "I do not wear, buy or own fur or animal skin other than leather or skin of animals raised for feeding pur poses. I am not a vegetarian and I don't find it illogical to wear skins of animals whose meat is also eaten. I would gladly consider giving away sable, fox and other fur coats — if I owned any." — Carla Bruni, in a letter to PETA. [Page Six]
• I think Susan has an amazing voice. But she needs to work on the pose. I think she should come up with something new, since she's such a huge celebrity now. I suggest getting a stylist. She could look really hot if she just wore some pretty dresses." — Paris Hilton on Susan Boyle. [Mirror]

[Los Angeles, May 12. Image via Getty]

[Los Angeles, September 22. Image via Flynet]

The Good:
Unfortunate expression notwithstanding, Kyra Sedgwick is looking good.
Jennifer Lawrence is on The Bill Engvall Show. "The Bill Engvall show is set in a Denver suburb and follows the life of ‘Bill Pearson,’a family counselor whose own family could use a little dose of counseling."
I don't know, gang. This is kinda harshing my mellow, but it somehow suits Holly Hunter.

The Meh:
Conceptually, there are things about Melissa Sagemiller's dress that I like. But pink and black is dicey: as Genevieve Antoine-Darriaux, author of the immortal Elegance, says, pink is one of those colors that "cheapens" black. And despite all its good, retro-inspired intentions, this number puts me forcibly in mind of something off of Daddyos.com, this website that makes rockabilly apparel.
Again, don't get me wrong: I don't exactly hate actress Sarah Clarke's dress. But I do think it looks kinda surf-shop-like. The print puts me forcibly in mind of, yes, Roxy by Quicksilver.
Gina Bellman's mini is another I just wasn't feeling — although I'm willing to concede that it could work better in person. I do think the camera brings out the dress's horizontal tendencies in an unfortunate way.
17-year-old Graham Patrick Martin is also a Bill Engvall Show kid. He just looks so disconcertingly well-groomed and Hollywood and young-actor-ish!
Gloria Reuben's halter is almost lovely — I just wish the bodice were slightly more assertive.

The Bad:
Beth Reisgraf's unfortunate separates— dress? — are the evening's low point.

[Images via Getty]

[London, April 15. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

The Good:

Marion Cotillard proves that French women do everything better, Emily Deschanel gives her sister a run for her money for title of "Prettiest Deschanel," and Hal Holbrook and Dixie Carter are just too cute for words and we love them.

The Bad:

Sorry, we can't even comment on Amanda Bynes' lilac frock, we're too distracted by her wide stance; Queen Latifah sports one of the most desperate polyster looking pantsuits we've ever seen; and Marcia Gay Harden needs a better bra and less Botox.

The Ugly:

Brittany Snow shines in all the wrong ways, Anna Sophia Robb looks like she made a wrong turn on her way to a deubtante ball, and Julian Schnabel might be a brilliant filmmaker, but when it comes to his taste in clothes: Oy.

[All images via Bauer-Griffin]

Welcome to Midweek Madness — our weekly gagazine fest with Intern Maria, who always wears cute outfits and makes us scared to leave the house looking like we do —in which we "read" the weekly tabloid magazines. So you don't "have" to.

Star
•Cover Story: "Angie's Down to 98 Pounds!" (pages 42-45). Star says that Angelina is still scary-skinny, having hot flashes and collapsing. Why? Because of her mother's death and her "punishing schedule". A cover story? Really? And this qualifies as "news" according to whom? The carrier pigeons who just delivered the Reader's Digest to Star's bureau in Bhutan?
•"Lindsay's Rehab Confessions" (pages 36-37). Star reports that some fellow rehabbers at Promises are spilling info from Lindsay's group-counseling sessions. The secrets: Lindsay has problems with men (no shit!) and uses alcohol as a means of coping with her own "social anxiety". Also: The staff at Promises worry that Lindsay might be bulimic, and Lindsay has told her mom Dina to put the brakes on her reported TV show before she ruins her other kids' lives.
•On page 49, Star runs an "exclusive" on a woman's three-month affair with George Clooney that she described to the U.K.'s Daily Mirror. (Funny how we thought that fact sort of made it the Daily Mirror's exclusive!) Star takes a little liberty in clarifying the woman's story by making sure to add that she is an "exotic dancer": "We kissed and cuddled into the early hours, but he didn't make me feel like a[n exotic] dancer"
•Nicole Richie has popped around 73,000 pills (pages 40-41)! Star editors calculate this number by taking the word of an "insider" that she used to take 50 pills a day starting at age twenty, then multiplying that by six years, then subtracting two of those years because she went to rehab a bunch of times. The story also contains the following pull-quote from an "insider": "Since she was 20, Nicole has taken enough pills for an entire population." An entire population of, um, moderately relaxed people?
•New contender for the Celebrity Couple You Least Want To Imagine Fucking Award: Tommy Lee and Kimberley Stewart (page 19).

US Weekly (Otherwise known as the New Yorker of celeb weeklies!)
•Cover Story: Hollywood's Hot New Diet! (Pages 50-55) Have you heard? Jessica Simpson has slimmed down a bit. Her trainer plugs his new book The 5-Factor Diet. A bunch of other celebs lost weight too! The trick apparently is eating fewer calories and exercising! The story contains the sentence: "(Go to 5factordiet.com for book and delivery service details.)" Wow, US really knows how to put the "service" in "service journalism!"
•Kyra Sedgwick poses the question "What is really the difference between putting makeup on and having stuff shot up your face?" (Page 16). Well, Kyra, besides the needles, and the money, and the fact that you can't steal a little evening Botox from Sephora, we're totally drawing a blank!
•Jessica Biel has officially had enough fake-tan sessions to play Mariane Pearl in the sequel to A Mighty Heart. (Page 37)
•"Us Plays Ask the Shrink!" (Pages 68-71). US asks Dr. Drew Pinsky to analyze celebrity behavior. According to Dr. Drew, Britney and Kelly Clarkson are the craziest, the latter for stating in Elle magazine that she doesn't want to get married. We think Dr. Drew is kind of crazy for thinking anyone who grew up listening to Loveline isn't totally afraid of twentysomething dudes.

In Touch
•Cover Story: "Nicole's Bump Gets Bigger!" (Pages 40-43) InTouch still wants to believe that Nicole Richie is pregnant, saying that she is avoiding alcohol. Yeah, in much the same way we avoid alcohol!
•Heroes star Hayden Panettiere's mom is trying to beat Dina Lohan in the department of Stage Moms Who Try Too Hard. (Page 17.) Seriously, who would mistake a woman wearing pantyhose for someone young enough to be Hayden's sister?
•Larry Birkhead moves into Anna Nicole Smith's house, classing up the joint with a leopard-print chair! (Page 45.)

Life & Style
•Cover Story: Wedding News! (Pages 40-42.) Can Life & Style find an excuse not to mentino The Hills' blondiful Heidi and Spencer? No they cannot! Also, the magazine's editors calm our fears that Jennifer Aniston might be rushing into things with her boyfriend of two-weeks, Paul Sculfor. Cause we were worried!
•Apparently Angelina Jolie wants to get married (pages 32-35) and Brad Pitt says that "his life began" the day he met her, thus creating a whole new barrage of stories for following week about how "Jen is hurt by Brad, again" and "Brad gives Jen the final message: it's over for good!"

Our pick: US! Though we sincerely hope Dr. Marc Siegel was not behind their estimate that John Mayer was once 225 pounds!