It's very Maude Lebowski. Obviously the men are agreeing to have unprotected sex, but for these women wouldn't it just be easier to go to a sperm bank if they don't want the father involved?

The title of the article is misleading anyway, as many of the women discussed, like Elizabeth Hurley and Scary Spice Mel B. had unplanned pregnancies and it's just public conjecture that their pregnancies were "accidentally on purpose." It also seems like a bit of a sexist urban legend, the idea of aggressive, baby hungry young professionals. But then there are women like Sarah, a 35-year-old editor, who told the Times:

In the past, with other boyfriends, I had been much more careful, but I was in my early thirties and my biological clock was in overdrive. I really, really wanted a baby, and I didn’t have any time to waste. My daughter’s father was clever and good-looking, and I suppose it seemed safer to have an affair with him than a one-night stand. And it was cheaper and a lot more fun than doing it in a clinic…He put pressure on me not to have the baby, but for me, it wasn’t an accident.

Is this morally suspect or is it ok because the men involved agreed to have condom-free sex? I'm leaning towards the former but would like to hear arguments to the contrary.

Women Who Conceive Accidentally On Purpose [Times of London]

The WaPo is reporting that, as Governor of Alaska, Palin slashed funding for a program that benefited teen moms.According to the WaPo, "Palin reduced funding for Covenant House Alaska by more than 20 percent, cutting funds from $5 million to $3.9 million. Covenant House is a mix of programs and shelters for troubled youths, including Passage House, which is a transitional home for teenage mothers…[where, according to Passage House's website] 'young mothers a place to live with their babies for up to eighteen months while they gain the necessary skills and resources to change their lives.'"

And since we're all on board with not prying into the circumstance of Bristol as an individual, let's take a look at the fate that lies ahead for most other teen mothers, shall we? Linda Hirshman, writing on Slate's XX Factor blog, runs through what the average American teen mom experiences, and honestly, it's bleak. "Even controlling for social and economic backgrounds, only 40 percent of teenage girls who bear children before age 18 go on to graduate from high school, compared with the 75 percent of teens who do not give birth until ages 20 or 21" Hirshman notes. "Overall, teenage mothers—and their children—are also far more likely to live in poverty than females who don't give birth until after age 20. Two-thirds of the families begun by a young unmarried mother are poor. These families are more likely to be on welfare and to require publicly provided health care." And we know what Palin thinks about publicly provided health care: She thinks it shouldn't exist!

Even Seventeen editor Ann Shoket has something to say about Bristol's pregnancy and what it means for the American teen. "No matter how you feel about her politics, Sarah Palin is a shining example of the potential and power of women," Shoket notes in the Huffington Post today. "And in one hot moment with her boyfriend, her daughter gave away her power to make the decisions about how she wanted her future to play out."

Pretty harsh words coming from the editor of a usually soft and fluffy teen mag. And here's the thing. Individually, Bristol Palin will be fine. But despite what her mother's campaign would have you believe, the Palins are not regular folk. They are a gubernatorial family with the resources and the connections to help support a teen pregnancy. Obviously, a teen pregnancy is not the end of the world, nor is it anything to be ashamed of. However, it is something that should be prevented as much as possible, and considering Palin's stance on abortion, it seems she's only concerned about the individual pregnancy of her daughter and not the pregnancies of our nation's daughters. Linda Hirshman says it better than I can: "For the millions of women each year who do not want to make that choice, and for the parents who do not want that fate for their daughters, the cruelty of the Republican position on abortion rights is now graphically laid bare."

UPDATE: Despite some Republicans' request for privacy with regards to Bristol, the Atlantic's Ta-Nehisi Coates points out that many conservatives are already using this unborn child like "a political football." Coates quotes the following passage from the WSJ to illustrate his point: "Gov. Palin and her husband 'have embraced the grandchild about to be born,' Gary Bauer, a social conservative activist and onetime presidential candidate, told the Texas delegation. 'They already are teaching America a lesson about the sanctity of life,' he added, as the delegates jumped to their feet in applause.'"

The Candidate's Daughter Could Use Our Sympathy And A Lot More Privacy [Washington Post]
Palin Slashed Funding for Teen Moms [Washington Post]
Do As We Do [Slate]
What Was Bristol's Plan A? [Huffington Post]
And Now Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Program [The Atlantic]

Related: The Numbers on Teen Pregnancy [Freakonomcs/NYT]

Of course, I agree that Bristol should not be shamed for having sex, nor should she be judged for her choice to keep her baby. However, how can any pundit worth his or her salt not mention this pregnancy when talking about John McCain's abysmal record with sex education? As CBS News notes, "In 2006, McCain joined fellow Republicans in voting against a Senate Democratic proposal to send $100 million to communities for teen-pregnancy prevention programs that would have included sex education about contraceptives."

One of the few things we know Palin's stance on is abortion, and as has been noted before, Palin wants to eliminate reproductive choice in this country. Which makes it curious, then, that as Rebecca Traister over on Salon notices, the language of choice still pervades the party's public statements about Bristol. "According to the New York Times story, 'Bristol Palin made the decision on her own to keep the baby, McCain aides said.' That's just peachy in its presumption that Bristol had a choice about whether or not to continue her pregnancy," Traister writes. "It's true that in 2008, she certainly does have a legal choice. But she wouldn't under the proposed administration of her mother and John McCain, both of whom oppose abortion rights and tell us they would work to overturn Roe."

Like it or not, especially in this election, the personal is political: the fact that Palin had a baby with Down syndrome is already being used as a Republican talking point. Timothy Shriver notes in Newsweek, "Trig could be a high-profile example of how wonderful it can be to choose life, even in adversity, even when the conditions aren't perfect. After all, the conditions are never perfect, but the promise of a newborn baby is that God's love is. Somehow, despite everything, love is triumphant. The message: Love life. Choose life." And you can be sure as hell that Palin and the Republicans would be happy to use Trig's existence to push their anti-choice message. How does the logic work then, that while 17-year-old Bristol should be protected, a four-month-old baby boy is fair game?

Also. There is evidence that McCain did not thoroughly vet Palin before offering her the VP spot, and that "top aides were vague on Monday about how and when [McCain] had learned of the pregnancy, and from whom." If Palin was trying to hide Bristol's pregnancy, who knows what other shady business she has hiding in the bushes. In addition, McCain's mere cursory vetting of Palin shows that his decision-making on important things is incredibly rash. Do we really want a man in charge of our military who is prone to making such knee jerk choices?

It seems that Obama has already started using this pregnancy to his advantage without explicitly naming Bristol. According to Politico, Obama is already running radio ads hitting McCain on abortion rights. But! At the end of the day, I think Democrats should not use Bristol Palin directly in any way, shape or form, and not because they should be above it, but because it detracts from the real issue at hand: the fact that Palin is entirely inexperienced and has barely any defined stances on any issue. Bristol and baby Trig are just smokescreens. At the end of the day, it will be far more satisfying and fruitful to attack Palin on her entirely wobbly platform than the productiveness of her womb.

America: Meet Sarah Palin [YouTube]
McCain Opposed Funds For Teen Moms-To-Be [CBS News]
Palin, Pregnancy And The Presidency [Salon]
Palin's Choice: Pro Trig [Newsweek/WaPo]
Disclosures on Palin Raise Questions On Vetting Process [NYT]
Raising Abortion [Politico]

Earlier: Bristol Palin Is Pregnant, Let The Opprobrium Begin
Sarah Palin: When Choosing A Woman Might Not Be Choosing For Women

Anyway, Dargis takes issue, not only with the smug step brothers of the title, but also with the portrayal of the women they love. "So, once again, there is the spectacle and pathos of the sexually stunted immature male, here times two: Brennan (Mr. Ferrell) and Dale (Mr. Reilly)," Dargis writes. "Mary Steenburgen, as Brennan’s mother, Nancy, takes the fantasy parent role: she’s saintly, sexy — her relaxed, ready smile telegraphs satisfaction — and endlessly patient. She looks good for a woman who would have had her youngest at about 14."

Dargis goes on to skewer the film further for its semi-insulting portrayal of both men and women, but really, it seems like the cardinal sin in this comedy is that it's not especially funny. I don't really mind so much if comedies don't show women in the best light or elevate the adolescent male psyche, so long as they're entertaining. But Dargis' description of Ferrell and Reilly — "They’re losers that only a mother, an entertainment manager or a gang of self-satisfied comedy insiders could love" — makes me think this movie is both vaguely insulting and entirely unfunny. Come on Apatow and Co., we've seen Freaks and Geeks, and even the actual adolescents in that show were more mature than these dingbats. You can do better. Whatever, I'll probably see it anyway. (You're talking to a woman who saw Let's Go To Prison in theaters. I have no standards.)

Once More To The Well Of Goofball Comedy [NYT]

Earlier: What To Expect When You're Expecting Too Much From A Movie
Now That Her Paycheck Has Cleared, Katherine Heigl Calls Knocked Up Sexist

Asked about the attractiveness gap between men and women in Apatow movies, Rogen responds, "I love that. Like, there's so little chance that a girl would like me, it's sexist to assume that one would."

He takes it personally — and good for him. Is the idea that male attractiveness goes beyond traditional good looks really something we want to stamp out? In Marie Claire, Lucy Kaylin writes:

When funny women carry a comedy, it's expected that they'll be shaggable too — see Tina Fey's gleaming gams and cleavage in Baby Mama. Look, we know we've always said that a sense of humor is the most important thing. But a few crunches wouldn't hurt either.

But Kaylin's going the wrong way here. Rather than demanding that funny, weird-looking guys become more conventionally handsome, can't we acknowledge that attractiveness in both sexes can be a fungible thing? Men like weird-looking women sometimes too, and if we saw this play out more often on screen, maybe we'd be more accepting of our own quirks. I know I'm sick of ladymags telling me how to look better all the time, and rather than holding men up the same exacting standards, I'd like to quit worrying about camouflaging my flaws.

Now, if only Ms. Grigoriadis had addressed the responsibility gap between the sexes in Apatow movies. I'd like to see what Rogen would say to that one.

Elle

Though in the CDC report from November, government statistician Stephanie Ventura said, “It's way too early to know if this is the start of a new trend…But given the long-term progress we've witnessed, this change is notable," Fox News found a fear mongering doctor to make far more definitive statements about the slight upswing. Said Dr. Keith Ablow: “It’s not pretty and we really need a public health response that’s very vigorous to counteract this."

While the rise in teen pregnancy after a 14 year drop is certainly something to monitor, using nine-month old statistics to drum up hysteria is disingenuous. Or you know, you could just follow Fox News and start panicking immediately. Break out those chastity belts moms of America!

Report: Teen Pregnancies Up For First Time In 15 Years [CNN]
Teen Pregnancy Rate Hits 15-Year High [Fox News]
Teenage Mothers Rose In 2006, Reversing A 15-Year U.S. Decline [Bloomberg]
Teen Birth Rate Rises For First Time In 14 Years [CDC]

Earlier: Teen Pregnancy Rates Are Declining — Or Not

"For fertilization to take place, sperm must be able to reach the egg and then penetrate its outer layer," the L.A. Times notes. "Sperm that don't move well...may be unable to do so." As "lifestyle"
can be a a factor when "sperm that don't move well," I'm forced to surmise that too much weed renders one's junk unable to do anything but lie on the proverbial couch of one's innards.

Anyway! When couples are having fertility problems, 67% of women seek treatment before their male partners do, and almost half of women surveyed by the IntegraMed company reported that their partners only sought help when pressured. "Both the male and female partner should be worked up simultaneously," Dr. Walsh says. "Men are just as deserving of a comprehensive evaluation." Walsh adds that part of the issue is that women can just go to their gynecologist when facing reproductive problems, whereas men don't have the same kind of go-to doctor with whom they feel comfortable. All the same: if you're having issues with babymaking, make sure to get everyone involved a full medical workup.

Male
Biological Clock 'Ticks Too' [BBC]
Men
Can Be Infertile Too [LAT]

And I suppose, from a purely statistical standpoint, Caldwell can make his argument. But being a good parent isn't exclusively about finances. I find it hard to believe that these young women would not make better mothers with a few more years of life experience, added maturity and potential earning power. "Baby-boom feminists did not replace a superstitious attitude towards teen sexuality with a rational one. They replaced one set of priorities with another. Their careerism prevented teen motherhood as reliably as did their mothers’ moralism," Caldwell writes. "The Gloucester girls appear equally unimpressed with both logics. If the old 'pregnancy pact' that went by the name of marriage is no longer so readily available, they are not fools to look for a substitute." Caldwell is making a host of assumptions and relying on many stereotypes of the American lower classes, and both his sweeping generalizations and the fact that he needs to bash second wave feminism to make them are distasteful.

Also distasteful: Brenda Hampton, the creator of The Secret Life of an American Teenager, tells Reuters, "I don't have anything to say about the issue of teen pregnancy…I'm just telling a story about a girl who happens to get pregnant." That's the most patently idiotic thing I've heard all week. Especially since the New York Times review of the show points out that when the heroine of Secret Life discovers that she is pregnant, "Her friends tell her she has options, but abortion is apparently not one of them; that choice is dismissed right away in horrified tones." (Sound familiar?) I think Hampton was missing a word in her quote. She meant to say, "I don't have anything intelligent to say about the issue of teen pregnancy."

The Ideology Of Teen Pregnancy [Financial Times]
TV's "Baby" And "Secret Life" Explore Teen Taboo [Reuters]
A Teenage Pregnancy, Packaged as a Prime-Time Cautionary Tale [NYT]

Earlier: Teen Pregnancy Rates Are Declining — Or Not

There was even an entire New York Times article from a few years back where dudes talked about how freaked out they were watching their wives give birth. And so I ask you, kind Jezemoms and Dads: what happens to your sex life after you pop out a wee one? Please don't spare any gruesome details. We're big girls, we can take it.

From the Delivery Room to the Bedroom [Psychology Today]

Related: A Perilous Journey From Delivery Room to Bedroom [NYT]

The Ring Of Fire [Elle]

Earlier: What Should Jezebels Really Expect When They're Expecting
So, About That Harrowing Ring Of Fire Story

Louisa Bradshaw Jessop gave birth to a son — her third child — in Austin, Texas. Jessop says that she is 22, though state authorities believe her to be 17. Jessop's husband, Rulan Danial Jessop, 24, "filed a habeas corpus petition in Austin last Wednesday that argues his wife is being improperly detained by the state," according to the Salt Lake Tribune. For now, a Texas judge has allowed a temporary restraining order against the Department of Family and Protective services to prevent them from moving Louisa and her baby to San Antonio.

We don't know how big Louisa's baby is, but if it is a super wee one, the boy has a greater chance of growing into an angry young man. According to research from the University of Helsinki, low birth rate and slow growth in childhood lead to "increased levels of hostility in adults," and this hostility is a harbinger of health troubles like heart issues and type 2 diabetes. Maybe that woman who's still breastfeeding her eight-year-old is just doing it to prevent her child's ire!

28 Million Women At Risk Of Unwanted Pregnancy [Reuters]
Second FLDS Mother Gives Birth While In Texas Custody [Salt Lake Tribune]
Smaller Babies Become Hostile Adults: Study [Newser]

Earlier: At What Age Is A Kid Too Old To Breastfeed?

Not all of the responses to Chacón are so blatantly sexist, though many traffic in deeply held stereotypes of women. Some are saying that the appointment of a woman who lacks military training is sending a pacifist message — you know, 'cause wimmins hate war. Maribel Montaño, secretary for equality during Zapatero's first term, says that "a woman in full womanhood [leading troops]...shows that the army doesn't just have to fulfill this masculine role of force. It can be more feminine, more humanitarian." Zapatero has a record of anti-war decisions, for instance, NATO has been trying to get him to increase the number of Spanish troops in Afghanistan. He has resisted, so far.

Spanish citizens are also curious about what will happen two months from now when Chacón gives birth (Spain gives women 16 weeks of maternity leave). No doubt her continued professional excellence will quiet the right wing critics who are calling the women of Spain's cabinet an "army of seamstresses", but we predict Chacón will be fighting a more personal war at home... that of new-mother sleep deprivation.

Spain's Pregnant Defense Minister [Time]
Women Dominate Spanish Cabinet [BBC]
An 'Armchair Feminist' Who Conquered Spain [Guardian]

Among the other longterm trends noted in the report released yesterday: Pregnancies have risen steadily among single women in their 20s, and nearly half the babies born (45 percent) were born to unwed mothers. And, according to a (not biased at all!) study sponsored by four groups who consider themselves part of the "marriage movement," unwed mothers are costing taxpayers more than $112 billion a year. The sponsored research was conducted by Georgia State University economist Ben Scafidi, and, reports MSNBC, the statistics "were based on the assumption that households headed by a single female have relatively high poverty rates, leading to higher spending on welfare, health care, criminal justice and education for those raised in the disadvantaged homes." Economics professor Tim Smeeding offers a dissenting opinion to those who think marriage is the answer to those ballooning taxpayer costs: "I have nothing against marriage — relationship-building is great. But alone it's not going to do the job. A full-employment economy would probably be the best thing — decent, stable jobs."

Teen Birth Rate Rises For First Time In 14 Years [CDC]
Pregnancy Rate Drops For U.S. Women Under Age 25 [CDC]
Fewer U.S. teens Are Getting Pregnant: Study [Reuters]
Study: Divorce, Unwed Parenting Costs Billions [MSNBC]

Earlier: Teenage Pregnancies On The Upswing; Is Angelina To Blame?

The Tennessee study tested 82 couples for facial attractiveness and how they felt about their marriages. While women who were better-looking than their spouses reported contentedness, according to Univeristy of Tennessee professor Jim McNulty, men who were more attractive than their mates "demonstrated a tendency to offer less emotional and practical support to their wives." McNulty addsthat there is an "evolutionary explanation" for this behavior: "Attractive men have available to them more short-term mating opportunities. This may make them less satisfied and less committed to the marital relationship." Finally, a scientific explanation for the Katherine Heigl's choice to stay with Seth Rogen in Knocked Up!.

Do Attractive Women Want it All? New Study Reveals Relationship Standards Are Relative [PhysOrg]
Why Gorgeous Girls Are Happier With Plain Guys [Daily Mail]

On boys vs. girls: "I had different effects with baking a boy and baking a girl. Girl-baking was clear skin, shiny hair, sunny disposition, big fat legs. Boy-baking was zitsville, shedding like a sheepdog, ultra hairy legs, belligerence, and horny as a goat. Plump Lara Croft style tits and cankles came with both packages." Bloat City, USA: "Nobody tells you that, after you give birth, you swell up practically double what you were before for about 3 days while all the excess water works its way out. Also, your hair will fall out, but not necessarily right away." Poop Patrol: "I'd read that when you're fully dilated, the feeling is similar to having to go to the bathroom. Well, with my first child, it wasn't similar. It felt exactly like I was going to shit my pants. Dumbass that I am, tried to SUCK IT BACK IN, because it was really bad timing and I'm a freak about shitting in places other than my home. Finally, I was like, "Um, nurse, I'm really sorry about this, but could you unhook me, I have to use the bathroom." Needless to say, it was my baby, not shit. " Care Bear Stare!: "I am pregnant right now and my stomach is covered in blonde furry hair. It's like I'm turning into a Care Bear." Afterbirth: "Something else not everyone realizes: after the baby comes, you have to deliver the placenta. " On Barf: "I threw up during labor. I also got extreme "morning sickness" from the second month until the seventh month. I threw up so much and so often that I began bleeding from the back of my throat every time I gagged. Oh and my insurance wouldn't cover the cost of the anti-nausea pills. It was the worst nine months of my life, but I'm happy with the end result. He's pretty rad. "

And now, for the most appalling imagery you will ever read on Jezebel: "Losing your mucous plug (or "bloody show") is incredibly gross, and can come out over the course of a day. Think handfuls of pink Chef Boyardee spaghetti." Good Christ: We'll never look at the Chef the same way again.

Pregnancy Makes Women Quicker, Smarter [The Australian]

Earlier: What Should Jezebels Really Expect When They're Expecting?

Recent news reports claim that women should expect giving birth to be incredibly hurty. They say that these days, "the gulf between a woman's expectations of what will happen during labour and the reality is now so wide that many need to be prepared for the worst." To this I ask, where are these women's mothers? My mother told me that when she was giving birth to me she begged for more drugs and kept yelling over and over again, "GET IT OUT!"

But besides the searing pain, what else should be known? Do you start emitting supernaturally powered farts? Does your hair get really shiny? Do you really start craving pickles? We want answers!

'What To Expect' Readies For A Rebirth [Publishers Weekly]
Women Should Be Warned That Childbirth REALLY Is Painful, Say Medical Researchers [Daily Mail]

Best Supporting Actress:
Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There: Come on, she plays that genius music man Bob Dylan! Who was most definitely not a victim. Or a hooker. Or even a woman. Verdict: OK!

Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton: As Hillary Clinton taught us, even if other people try to hate on you, once a ball-busting lawyer, always a ball-busting lawyer. Which means that Swinton's character gets a Verdict: OK!

Ruby Dee, American Gangster: Yeah, it's sort of an iron-clad rule. Playing the guilt-ridden mother of a heroin dealer leaves no other option than Verdict: Victim!

Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone: She's an alcoholic. And her kid goes missing. Most definitely Verdict: Victim!

Saorise Ronan, Atonement: Once she reaches young adulthood, her character attempts to correct an error in judgment she had as a child by (spoiler alert!) concocting and selling a fictitious version of events. Which makes her either a crazy or a sociopath. No matter how you look at it, dying alone with regret makes you a guaranteed Verdict: Victim! (Even if you're the one making others into victims. Life is complicated like that, natch.)


Best Actress:

[Note: All of these nominees are sorta hard to pin down, so dangerously close do they dance between the line of victim/not-victim. So instead, we simply consulted our Magic 8-Ball.]

Julie Christie, Away From Her: Gets Alzheimer's, has to go to a nursing home, but then finds love. Too bad she's married! The story is sad, but good for her for finding some happiness. Also, isn't it not politically correct to call a person with Alzheimer's a "victim"? Verdict: Signs point to "no".

Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose: Her mother was an alcoholic and she grows up to be one too, in addition to, you know, real-life French chanteuse Edith Piaf. Also, has string of bad relationships and loses her only child. But she's a star, people, a star! Does becoming one of the biggest talents of our time cancel out the tragedy? Verdict: Absolutely.

Laura Linney, The Savages: Has a bad temp job, wants to be a playwright, denied every grant she's ever applied for, involved with a married man, father is dying. But: she's the smart and sassy sister to Philip Seymour Hoffman's even more pathetic brother, which means we're willing to give her the big ol' Verdict: My Sources Say No

Ellen Page, Juno: Has unprotected sex, gets pregnant, decides to keep the baby and give it up for adoption. By movie's end, she's landed her dream man (her dorky best friend), learned that childbirth is painful, makes a woman who wants to be a mom happy, grows closer with her own parents, and even manages to slink back down to original svelte teen-aged self when it's all over. Here's a girl who gets pregnant and refuses to play the victim, which somehow heightens the unavoidable sadness and gravity of the situation. Verdict: Outlook Not So Good

Earlier: Oscar Noms 2008: Women Can Write, Not Direct

I had my first abortion at the age of 18, while in the early throes of a love affair that eventually turned emotionally abusive. Fresh off my first year of college, I fell pregnant through a combination of raging hormones, high fertility, and, most notably, sheer recklessness. Four weeks later, hunched over and damp with tears after undergoing a D&C at my local Planned Parenthood, I vowed I'd never behave that stupidly again.

Talk about famous last words: Six years later, I did just that.

I could go on and on about my unwillingness to have a child, about the unsuitability of my romantic partners, or the precariousness of my financial situation as a young women in the big city without a trust-fund or even a savings account. I could talk about the dreams I had for my future, dreams that did not include a changing diapers, nursery school and single motherhood. I could express my belief that the embryos that existed inside me for four weeks were not fully-formed, functioning human beings. And I could converse for hours about my terror at the thought of disappointing my parents, or the long-held conviction (as a young girl I had walked hand-in-hand with my mother at many an abortion-rights march) that it was my right to control over what happened to my body, and that, when push came to shove, if I was going to talk the talk, I was sure as hell going to walk the walk.

But eventually I'd have to come back to the simple fact that, no matter how educated and "aware" I was, when I got pregnant I was young, stupid, and yes, "selfish". (Tracie, who's been through it too, disagrees: "It's not selfish. Having a baby and then not being a good mother would be selfish.") There was nothing comedic, heartwarming or cinematic (a la Juno and Knocked Up) about my getting pregnant (except for the time I was heating up soup in the kitchen and realized I was both barefoot and pregnant), or my choice to end a pregnancy. But most importantly, I was simply not willing or ready to have a child; I was just a baby myself. And although I can't speak of the reasons and realities behind the other third of American women who've undergone abortions over the past three and a half decades, perhaps some of you can?

Who's Getting Abortions? Not Who You'd Think [MSNBC, via AP]
If Men Could Get Pregnant, Abortion Would Be A Sacrament [Huffington Post]
Pregnancy Films Like 'Juno' Skip Message, Go For The Humor [USA Today]

Earlier: Experts Don't Understand Why Fewer American Women Are Getting Abortions
•Do You Care How Dudes Feel About Their Abortions?
•How Much Time Should Women Spend In Prison For Having Abortions?
•How Old Is Too Old To Have An Abortion?

It's not that [27 Dresses] is cynical; it's that all the chick-flick trappings — the fashion, the wedding chitchat, the masochistic one-way crush — drive the story rather than the other way around. 27 Dresses is a movie geared to a pitch of high matrimonial-princess fever. It's white-lace porn for girls of every age, and the way that it revels in that get-me-to-the-altar mood, to the point of making anyone who isn't getting married feel like a loser, is the picture's key selling point...Even the satire of the wedding industry plays like a backhanded endorsement of it.

Anyone who has seen a chick flick knows what is going to happen next, and next, and next... But there just isn't enough story here to justify a 107-minute running time, no matter how many montages debuting director Anne Fletcher whips up. Heigl, who demonstrates her gift for physical comedy, has complained in interviews about the sexist tone of "Knocked Up." But what happens when she teams up with a woman director and screenwriter? You get "27 Dresses," which delivers that great feminist message: A woman's life is meaningless without marriage.

[D]irector Anne Fletcher... makes the reasonably insightful, moderately funny point that modern American weddings, however they may strain for individuality and specialness, are all pretty much alike. The problem is that much the same could be said about modern American romantic comedies...The best thing about "27 Dresses," which was written by Aline Brosh McKenna...is that the Guys are not really the point. Or rather, if getting the Right one is the point of the story, the spark of comedy is carried by the women in the picture. Too bad it's such a dim spark.

There is a movie to be made from that shared humiliation — actually, there are many, and they already litter the shelves of Blockbuster. So at this point, the question is whether "27 Dresses" has anything new to add. And the answer is a resounding no...

Heigl is terrific, this uninspired romantic comedy is considerably less so. A tired pastiche of the 27-odd wedding-themed vehicles that preceded it, the film essentially slaps together all the stuff that worked so well the first or second time around, minus any of the original charm or verve. That it manages to function at all is mainly Heigl's doing...

"27 Dresses" is a romantic comedy in which nothing the least bit surprising occurs, no disagreement or estrangement seems sufficiently serious to persist, and no one behaves in a manner that cannot be predicted by anyone who has seen more than two or three other romantic comedies.

"27 Dresses"... sags like a day-old bouquet... when Jane's supermodel little sister Tess (Malin Akerman) shows up, throwing an extroverted, platinum-blond spanner into the already shaky works. It's at this point that "27 Dresses" becomes a movie not about people or relationships, but about cute apartments and cuter outfits...There is not one surprising, charming or endearingly quirky thing about "27 Dresses," which hews to the rom-com formula with bland, regimented precision. This is a movie that actually invokes the term "Bridezilla" as if it's a brand-new idea instead of a ready-for-retirement cliche.

Katherine Heigl is amiable, pleasant to look at, and has comic ability, and so on that basis "27 Dresses" is almost satisfying. In a romantic comedy, half the ballgame is the charm of the lead actress, and it's no strain to spend 107 minutes in Heigl's company. But then there's the other half of the ballgame - things like story and having characters that make sense and a resolution that's satisfying and a script that avoids cheap sentimentality. On those points, "27 Dresses" collapses. Actually, it collapses in slow motion. It gets worse and worse as it goes along and finally ends just as it's becoming unbearable.

If only it didn't have that unconvincing, sub-par sub-plot, which trots out blah characters and weak twists that include, I'm not kidding, vacuum-cleaning. I understand why the script gives Jane an obnoxious twiggy sister (Malin Akerman) and a dreamboat boss (Edward Burns), and I understand why it throws them together. But Burns looks bored. To death. I'm really worried about him.

"27 Dresses" is so chock full of romantic-comedy cliches, it almost plays like a parody. (It might be fun, though, if they handed out lists at the multiplex door to allow you to check them off as you go along — could be an interactive thing. You know, to help pass the time.)

It's an uninspired romantic comedy that adheres slavishly to the conventions of the genre. But the movie is made pleasant by the likability of its star, Katherine Heigl, and her chemistry with the affable James Marsden. Certainly Heigl fares better in less formulaic fare, such as Judd Apatow's irreverent Knocked Up, but she does raise the level of this chick flick from bland to mildly entertaining.

Earlier: Now That Her Paycheck Has Cleared, Katherine Heigl Calls Knocked Up Sexist

Even more upsetting is that Senior (pictured here) equates stereotypical femininity with "intellectual helplessness." Then she goes into a scientific explanation of why she's feeling less than sharp in her final trimester, which sounds valid — but the hormonal changes in your system that she describes don't make you "feminine" — they just make your brain shrink (or are they the same thing?).

To be fair, Senior semi-redeems herself in the end, when she talks about feeling like she has a knock-knock joke inside her belly, and cops to liking her "inner girl." How she comes to like this inner girl I have no idea, because Senior makes the "girl" sound helpless and weepy, but whatever, at least she's more positive about it! Jennifer has written countless pro-female articles for New York in the past, including this nuanced look at women who get gastric bypass surgery, which is why this Marie Claire business is particularly distressing.

Maybe it was the swelling of her body that was so upsetting: Senior describes the last weeks of her pregnancy as inducing "[a state of] utter disgust, wishing the baby were out, and that reaction will be mirrored in the faces of loved ones and strangers alike, who will look on in a kind of terrified awe, watching as I burst to the breaking point, carrying a 10-pound turkey in a 2-quart pan." Is the tyranny of the Tristas so intense that even smart ladies like Senior fall prey to it?

My Macho Pregnancy [Marie Claire]

This baby-boom news also gives us the opportunity to go back to a tried and true mantra: It's the Republicans' fault! Is it any wonder that the birth rate is increasing (among women of all ages, teens included), when the Bush administration has limited access to abortion and financed abstinence only education? I'm also curious about the decline in contraceptive use. Is it because women are no longer scared of AIDS, so they forgo condoms? Is it because the price of birth control pills has risen?

So which is it, ladies? Is it a cultural shift backwards, in which women need babies to feel complete? Or can we blame President Bush for hating on abortion? Or are women just seeing Angelina look all perfect and shit with Shiloh and want a mini-me for themselves? The barren whores here at Jezebel want to know!

U.S. Experiences Baby Boomlet in 2006 [AP via Los Angeles Times]

Earlier: Having A Baby: Doctors Say Now Or Never; I Say No Fair
Teen Sex Drive Trumps Abstinence Education
Isn't A Subsidy For Birth Control For College Girls Missing The Point?

Not surprisingly, Flanagan has a conservative view of Juno, branding it a "fairy tale" in a New York Times op-ed yesterday because "surrendering a baby whom you will never know comes with a steep and lifelong cost. Nor is an abortion psychologically or physically simple. It is an invasive and frightening procedure."

Following that overly-generalized statement, Flanagan gets into some sticky paternalistic territory. She mentions the Victorian era as a time when, "[G]irls used to be so carefully guarded and protected — in a system that at once limited their horizons and safeguarded them from devastating consequences." While Flanagan doesn't support the limiting of horizons, she does support the safeguarding from consequences, which doesn't seem to be realistic or ultimately beneficial. What young girls need, in my mind, is to be educated about sex so that they can make their own informed decisions. Some of these decisions, naturally, will be completely idiotic, but the only way a person can forge his or her sexual identity is through trial and error.

Sex scribe Susie Bright certainly disagrees with Flanagan on more than one level, but most glaringly when speaking of her two abortions, which caused her far from a "lifelong cost." "I was filled with happiness and relief in the aftermath of the two abortions I had," Bright writes on her blog. "I had a supportive, enlightening, and even sentimental experience at the abortion clinic, which is either an anomaly, or has simply never been shown on screen. By sheer coincidence, two acquaintances of mine were in the same recovery room; we were in each other's arms as soon as we could sit up! Physically, it was painless, and my doctors were awesome."

Bright also concedes that the lack of abortions in movies has a lot to do with needing to move the plot forward: an abortion is usually a plot ender, not a beginner. Nonetheless, would you go see an abortion comedy in which the abortion was followed through on? Could one even succeed in this country?

Sex And The Teenage Girl [New York Times]
Anatomy Of A Smushmortion [Susie Bright]
Juno, Scolded [Slate]

For one thing, I am sick of studies that fall under the realm of "duh." Of course people whose hormones empower them to be more aggressive about their joke-making are going to be funny. Have you ever hung out with a seriously funny dude? It takes weeks before you can get a joke in edgewise, and that's if you can even understand what the hell their powerfully-ingrained dudejoke sensing mechanisms even finds so funny already. Then there is the whole matter of the fact that they are SO MUCH LOUDER. They also like to repeat themselves, and they tend to find themselves funnier than you ever will, and so there is this snowball effect where the laughing becomes contagious, like yawning, and soon the DUMBEST THINGS ARE FUNNY. And by dumbest things I don't mean, like, a range of dumb things, I mean generally "butt sex" and "miscellaneous other homo shit."

Anyway I'm willing to chalk this whole entire sequence of events up to testosterone. In fact, I would further venture that as a woman, I can't even comprehend what a dude means when he says the word "funny." I think there is some pheremonal component I'm missing, maybe because my pheromones are otherwise occupied syncing my period and inexplicably drawing me to unemployed fat guys.

But here's the part I don't get: where in the testosterone molecular structure is the part that gave you the idea to conclusively prove testosterone makes you funnier by riding a unicycle and subjecting yourself to the merciless jeering of overfed 11-year-old bullies?

Because that's actually pretty fucking funny.

Humor Comes From Testosterone [BBC]