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Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank

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DoubleExpresso doesn't know what to think....
04/08/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
In addition to the tackiness of asking for money (plenty of people will give you $ without you making yourself look a fool asking for it) I'd also like to present...

Dr. Strangelove's Wedding Don'ts (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Hang up my Crinoline):

-DON'T ask your bridesmaids to spend over 200$ on a dress, especially if said bridesmaid(s) may have already spent closer to 1k on an airplane ticket just to be there for your wedding

-DON'T (true story) ask a very, very, very close (and engaged) family member (who has plenty of time constraints, including a fiance in the military) which days in the next year they are not available and then go ahead and pick the ONE day that they have already stated is off the table for your wedding, especially when you yourself have all the time in the world.
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RisaPlata
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
I'm too young and poor to give cash, and often I'll make something. But what bothers me is that I've yet to get a thank-you card for any gifts I've given at any weddings I attend. And often the invitations don't even come to me- my name will be on my parents' invitation, 3000 miles away. Does no one understand how rude that is, and how hurt I am that I don't actually feel invited? Yes, you saved $.70 on postage, but you told me that you still consider me my father's property. Everyone has my address. I actually made a project out of putting together a complete family address book and sending it to everyone.

What's worse is that most of the time this is thoughtlessness, but some family members actually consider me my father's property. These are the same people who write invitations about how "Mr. and Mrs. Alexander Smith request your presence as we give our daughter..."
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Grim Reaper of the Forest
04/08/09

@RisaPlata: That is totally wrong. You should get thank you notes for every gift you give!
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SmritaPraeconinus
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
Honest question:

I do not cook. What the hell do I register for?
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elitza owns the last Enzo shirt
04/07/09

@SmritaPraeconinus: Bocce ball set. Lava lamps. Goofy knick-knacks. Wall art. Bike/rollerblade helmets. The possibilities are endless, trust me. Just go through Target aisle by aisle (with your honey!) and you'll be amazed what you find.
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Dictator for Life
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
I have a bone to pick with this article. And this is the third or fourth time Jezebel has stated this, and it's just not true for anyone I know: just b/c you're waiting longer to get married doesn't mean you have all the stuff you would have registered for! My friends and I are all living off of hand-me-downs -- parent's old couches, parents' old silverware, parents' old dishes. I don't know anyone who has matching sets of anything -- towels, dishes, glasses. My fiancé and I are living together, and we have bits and pieces of about 6 different sets of dishes, a couch that lived in my parent's barn for 3 years, and an easy chair my aunt got at a yard sale! We want new stuff, new stuff that matches! Don't begrudge us this! I know I can't be the only person living in a house full of hand-me-downs.
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MissIng
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
I am a bride to be and completely uncomfortablw with the whole registry/ gifting thing. My stepmom is throwing me a shower on top of that, and I just cannot bring myself to ask for my friends and family to gift me on the two occasions! For one, we have plenty of stuff for our house. I do not want/ need 150 kitchen gadgets. I would, however, love a new pair of shoes or a cool scarf or a book- basically things I won't really share with my fiance. That probably won't fly on a wedding registry though. Maybe I should just request donations to our favorite charities in lieu of needless junk? What to do?
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Flackette Goes Retro
04/07/09

@MissIng: Charity requests are fine. I'd rather make a donation than buy someone another freakin' toaster oven.
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doodley is not amused
04/07/09

@MissIng: My mom and I once gave a shower where we just asked people to bring a copy of their favorite recipe and a small kitchen gadget or spice that went with the recipe. The bride was having more than one shower, and doing it this way made it more affordable for people and sharing the recipes was fun. We did a similar one in my office where someone crafty put the recipes together into a scrapbook for the bride. You could ask your stepmom to do something like that, where the gift would be nominal but it would still allow her to feel like she's giving you a party.
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waverly
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
I have been to lots and lots of weddings. Most of them have been in NY. It's just accepted that you give money at these weddings. Yes, the couple has registered for a ton of kitchen stuff, but you give one of those things at the shower. The wedding is strictly for cash. I mean, come on--a new blender isn't going to help offset the cost of entertaining 200 people with food and open bar for an evening, is it?

One of my friends recently got married and on her wedding channel page said she and her fiance wanted money towards their honeymoon, which I thought was a reasonable request. Both sets of parents got them actual gifts though. Which was nice, but again, a new set of dishes isn't going to get you through Europe for any number of days.
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Flackette Goes Retro
04/07/09

@waverly: But why do they expect guests to pay for their wedding? If they can't afford food and a bar for 200 people, they don't have to have such a large wedding. Guests are Guests, not customers or bar patrons who have to pay a cover charge. If you can't offer real hospitality to all your guests without the expectation that they pay their own way, then you are having an event beyond your means.
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TheGuvnah
04/07/09

@waverly: and it's my job to finance your trip through europe because...why? i had the honor of being invited to your wedding?

bullshit. just because people do it a lot doesnt make it right.
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Flackette Goes Retro
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
On the registry topioc - is it wrong that I sort of resent that my boyfriend still has the plates his ex-wife chose and registered for? When she left, she left them behind and he's still using them because...well, he's a guy and wouldn't think to get new plates. But I think they're kind of ugly and really wish he'd get new ones just because of the symbolism of eating off of another woman's wedding china.
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midwesternmom
04/07/09

@Flackette is a bored flack: I can see how this would be annoying, with all the memories and symbolism staring at you around your nice dinner. Sell them on Ebay and use the cash to buy him a new set. Or donate them to a nice resale shop. And be grateful she didn't leave the sheets.
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Flackette Goes Retro
04/07/09

@midwesternmom: Well, she did leave the sheets, but they were replaced as soon as we started dating for that very reason. Honestly, the plates aren't even saleable, as they're chipped and scratched. I keep dropping hints that he might enjoy some new ones...
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Liz11685
04/08/09

@Flackette is a bored flack: My dad made my mom get rid of her china from her first marriage (I assume his first wife kept or destroyed theirs)- and my mom STILL talks about it 35 years into the marriage!
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Kivrin
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
A Facebook friend/acquaintance recently updated her status to the effect of "So-and-so can't stop checking her wedding registry!" Going online all the time to see what people have bought for her.

I'm sorry, but I think it's disgusting and greedy.
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Kivrin
04/07/09

@Kivrin: (Actually, I lied -- I'm not sorry!)
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Princess Leela
04/07/09

@Kivrin: That's de-friending time IMO. ;-)
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Grim Reaper of the Forest
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
I would like to argue against requesting donations to a charity in your name. For some reason, I find that okay at funerals, because the person is dead and has no use for cash or gifts, but it seems tacky at weddings and other events. People like to give gifts that you will hopefully use and appreciate, or money that you need. If you don't need anything, why are you making your guests give money to an unrelated third party.
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Princess Leela
04/07/09

@Grim Reaper of the Forest: My college roommate and her husband switched this one up in what I thought was a nice way. Instead of wedding favors on the tables they made donations, in the name of each guest, to one of their favorite charities (not anything political or that would offend anyone ... well, unless you're a Tar Heels fan, since it was the Jimmy V Fund). They put a sign on each table to explain. I liked that better than getting another bag of Jordan almonds or a wedding cake-scented candle.
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midwesternmom
04/07/09

@Grim Reaper of the Forest: I would not require my guests to donate. But if they do wish to bring a gift, then we would prefer a donation to a charity that is important to our family.

And trust me, I may have use for cash or gifts, but there are millions of people out there who have a greater need for food and shelter than I do for matching plates.
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Grim Reaper of the Forest
04/07/09

@Princess Leela: In a lot of ways that is sweet, and I definitely applaud the thought, but if they don't want to waste money on tacky favors, then they shouldn't do it. However, telling everyone that you have made a donation to a charity of your choice isn't a "gift" to the guest and it feels a little strange to pretend that it is. @midwesternmom: I think it is fine to make that known by word of mouth and such, as long as it is not printed on the invitation.

I love charity and giving donations, I guess I am just WASPy and don't like public displays of giving money, particularly if the guest knows that you will know how much money they gave (or didn't give).
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labyrinthine IS DOING THIS
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
I work for a company that prints invitations. EVERY SINGLE DAY I see people registering at travel agencies and asking for shower guests to donate toward their honeymoon, adding "gift cards welcome!" (in what world wouldn't they be?) to the end of the cards, and other various crap. some ask outright for gifts of money. it is *unbelievable* and disgusting.

The philosophical questions can't help but intrude: are we getting more materialistic, or less?

more. it's bad enough that gifts are expected, it's BAD ENOUGH that the tacky idea of adding registry information to an invitation is becoming more and more commonplace, but now we're getting into "give me stuff...only I'd rather get whatever I want instead of whatever crap you'd ordinarily give me". what the hell, you (a general "you") are already engaged/getting married/having a baby; it's a happy occasion! that should be gift enough! I'm extra-disturbed by this trend because I am not remotely materialistic, and so...I cringe on a daily basis at this stuff.

god, when I invited folks out for my thirty-second birthday, I didn't assume anyone would buy anything. when guests asked what I'd like, I said "PLEASE don't buy me anything, just come out and have a drink and celebrate with me".

After all, why should your guests have to finance your life?

I couldn't have said it better myself. "hey, I made a completely optional life change! buy me stuff! buy me stuff!" I'm going to have a "I'm not getting married and I'm not having a baby and I'm single and completely self-sufficient and happy" party and everyone can just come and get drunk with me. woohoo!
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Flackette Goes Retro
04/07/09

@labyrinthine rages against the tyranny of pants!: I would come to this party!
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Liz11685
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
I am 23 and my friends have just started getting married- without having any of the things to set up a home. A registry is crucial, and I like to follow them. I think if the couple is older/established in their home that the guests could get them more fun things/sentimental things. And include a gift receipt.
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brendastarlet is on it
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
According to etiquette, the bride and groom themselves NEVER ask guests for anything. They do not volunteer where they are registered. That is the job of the MOB, future MIL, and friends.

Likewise, if the bride and groom do not want gifts, they ask those parties to spread that word. It is up to those parties to figure out the polite way to say, "no presents, just checks." And in any case, there are already a number of cultures where cash/checks are the customary gift.
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brendastarlet is on it
04/07/09

@brendastarlet is on it: one further thought on the cash thing. If you're so hard up, then pull back on the wedding you were going to have and pocket the difference. You're under no obligation to serve anything more than coffee and cake. Don't feed a cycle you can't afford.
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RisaPlata
04/07/09

@brendastarlet is on it: I had a high school friend get married a couple years ago and she freaked out when I asked her where she was registered because I wasn't supposed to be asking her. But I didn't still talk with her family or any other friends, so there was no one else I could ask. And she got over it pretty quick.
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thesciencegirl wields the truth like a mighty axe.
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
In the past few weddings I've gone to, I've given a gift off the registry (went in on it with a friend so I could give more than the $8 spatula), gave a gift card to the store where they registered, and gave cash (to a couple who'd already lived together for a few years and who really appreciated the money). I don't think giving cash is tacky; I think it depends on the couple.

Part of me thinks that when I get married that I won't register b/c it seems tacky, but then part of me thinks of all of my friends who I spent tons of money on for their weddings, and I think, hey, when it's my turn, I'll kind of deserve it. :-P
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lindseylindsey
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
In weddings in south Louisiana, we have a money dance. During one or two songs, wedding guests can come up and dance with the bride or groom and pin money to the bride's veil or the groom's lapels. Its a fun tradition and not as tacky as asking for money.
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hello.kitty
04/07/09

@lindseylindsey: That is also a custom in Filipino weddings too.
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eys
04/07/09

In reply to Screw The China: Modern Couples Are Registered With Citibank
...or you could get married at the courthouse and skip a "wedding" all together. Cheap for everyone.
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Tippi Hedren
04/07/09

@eys: This is something that I really really wanted to do. A wedding was really important to my fiance though, so I'm doing it for his sake. Seriously zero interest in planning though... I can't wait for it to be over.
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ShinyMcShine
04/07/09

@Pilar Ternera: Are you planning it, or is he? I've been married before and didn't even want much of a wedding that time around. I am worried that I'll have to do it all again for his family's sake (that sounds horribly bitchy, but planning a wedding is such a huge pain in the ass). I would love to elope, or just do a ceremony and a simple meal with nuclear family only.

Did you ever say, "we'll do it if you plan it?" If so, did that work? :)
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Tippi Hedren
04/07/09

@ShinyMcShine: Unfortunately we share responsibilities... It's the one time where equality is super lame :)
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