• Hailey Glassman says her love affair with Jon Gosselin is filled with laughter, home cooked dinners and romantic games of ping pong, but, "If you had told me a few months ago, I wouldn't have believed you."

• Glassman explains that she developed feelings for Jon, a family friend, when he visited her parent's home to mulll over the end of his marriage. "He was so strong," Glassman says. "I admired him." When asked what she thinks he likes most about her, she said: "I'm a huge believer in not controlling someone. I'll give my opinion but tell him to do what he wants to do. He said, 'I'm just not used to having an option.' I told him life is about options." [People]
• Kendra Wilkinson says she and husband Hank Baskett have learned an important lesson from Jon And Kate Plus 8. "I feel bad for the kids. If we do have a show, none of that's going to happen...I want to be able to spend quality time with my child and not really give the world too much," says Kendra. [E!]
• Kiefer Sutherland won't be charged for headbutting Jack McCollough in May. The Manhattan D.A. rejected the case because officials decided the incident was too petty to be called criminal conduct. The L.A. City Attorney won't be charging Kiefer for violating his probation from a previous DUI conviction either. [TMZ]
• Stephen Baldwin filed for bankruptcy today. According to court documents he's millions of dollars in debt. [Yahoo]
• A fight broke out during Chace Crawford's birthday outing on Saturday night. His friends started pushing and shoving photographers to get them to stop taking pictures of him in the VIP section and Chace fled his own party to avoid getting caught in the scuffle. [The Daily Express]
• Jackson Browne has settled a lawsuit and received an apology from Senator John McCain and the Republican Party for using his song "Running On Empty" during the presidential campaign. The GOP also pledged not to use any musician's work without permission from now on. [AP]
• More people are coming forward with tales of Mischa Barton's drug use. In a lengthy tale about one drug fueled night in London last year, a source reports, "She told us that she hated Kimberley [Stewart] and Paris Hilton because they had made fun of her after her DUI arrest but that Naomi Campbell had phoned her to offer some support. After some time she went into her purse and took out a bag of marijuana - when she put her purse down I could see traces of white powder inside it... Mischa was a sweet person but she is really foolish as both her drug and alcohol consumption was very open. She didn't seem to be able to control herself and I'm not surprised that it has snow-balled and that she is now in hospital. In my opinion she is going to need a lot of help to fully recover from what I saw that night in London." [Radar Online]
• Jackass star Bam Margera says he wasn't taken to the hospital for a drug overdose, but because he was on a four day drinking binge which he blamed on marital problems. "I may get a divorce ... booze helps," he said. [TMZ]
• In a new interview Ryan O'Neal said of Farrah Fawcett, "She never closed her eyes; her eyes were open for the last three weeks of her life... She was watching us. She didn't speak much, but she watched us. And then, finally, she closed her eyes." [MSNBC]
• The rumors that Jamie Kennedy proposed to Jennifer Love Hewitt last weekend aren't true but according to Jamie, she told him "By this time next year if we're not planning something, then there's a situation." [People]
• Check out these adorable photos of Emma Thompson and her adopted son Tindyebwa Agabe. Six years ago she and her husband adopted Agabe, a former Rwandan child soldier, at the age of 16. Today he graduated from Exeter University with a degree in politics. [The Daily Mail]
• In her first interview since her break down, Susan Boyle said of her rise to stardom, "The impact, like a demolition ball. Anyone who has that kind of impact finds it really hard to get a head around it... I guess I had to get my head around it, but through the guidance of a great team, and they are very good, I was able to see that in perspective and really turn that around a little." [The Sun]
• Susan Boyle will pose for a photoshoot that will appear in the September issue of Harper's Bazaar. [The Mirror]
• Marc Anthony has become a partial owner of the Miami Dophins. "I'm a huge sports fan," he said. "These opportunities don't come around too often. It's quite an honor and a privilege to be able to sit here today saying that I'm a part-owner of an NFL team." Now he and Jennifer Lopez are looking for a home in Miami. [People]
• Kelis skipped today's scheduled court date with estranged husband Nas... because she's in labor. Nas' lawyer says he's in New York for the birth of his baby and is "rushing to the hospital to be with her." [TMZ]
• Debbie Rowe's friend Marc Schaffel says, "At the end of the day, Debbie just wants what's best for the children... Her interest is that the children are going to be taken care of." [People]
• David Duchovney and Tea Leoni are looking less and less estranged these days. They spent Father's Day together with their kids, and David took Tea to the wrap party for Californication this weekend. [People]
• Alicia Silverstone will return to Broadway to reprise her role in Time Stands Still, a play about a photojournalist (who will be played by Laura Linney) recovering from and injury in the Iraq War. [The N.Y. Times]
• Adele, Kelly Clarkson, Leona Lewis, and Miley Cyrus will headline the VH1 Divas Live concert on September 17. [Perez Hilton]
• Jennifer's Body will premiere at the Toronto Film Festival's Midnight Madness program on September 10th. [Variety]
• Harrison Ford will be the guest of honor at the France's Deauville American Film Festival in September. [Variety]
• January Jones is on the cover of Interview's August issue. She says of her Mad Men character Betty Draper, "She is cracked, which is why I love her... I come from a family of very outspoken women. I can't imagine living in a time when you couldn't express what you felt... That's why Betty does what she does. She's imploding to the point where she gets so frustrated that she does something wacky." [People]
• Katherine Heigl says her first day back on the Grey's Anatomy set wasn't that great, explaining, "It was — I'm going to keep saying this because I hope it embarrasses them - a 17-hour day, which I think is cruel and mean." She added, "It was actually kind of really great to be back. All my friends are there and at this point, they're sort of like family, but it was a little weird because [T.R. Knight]'s not there anymore." [People]
• Last week Entourage featured an outdated Knocked Up joke about how Katherine Heigl would never go out with Seth Rogen in real life. Rogen responded: "Yeah, those guys are assholes. I actually ran into Matt … Kevin Dillon in a Starbucks. And he's like 'You know, I've got to kind of apologize because apparently the guy who created our show doesn't like you so much.' And I said 'Well, I have reason to believe because I think [showrunner] Doug Ellin is a moron from all I can understand so it makes sense he doesn't like me.' And I've kind of said some disparaging things about the show. Although in our defense, [producer] Mark Wahlberg called us misogynistic in an interview, so I think they kind of started that … It's on. Luckily I never have and never plan on watching Entourage." [N.Y. Magazine]
• "It is very disheartening that there are so many older men that prey on young performers. The younger you are, the more innocent you are, the more wholesome your image is, the weirder the fans become in terms of older men wanting to corrupt little girls. Even the way the paparazzi stalk the younger artists is very different from following around adults - I find that very disturbing." — Debbie Gibson [The Daily Express]

Welcome to Midweek Madness — our weekly gagazine fest with Intern Maria, who always wears cute outfits and makes us scared to leave the house looking like we do —in which we "read" the weekly tabloid magazines. So you don't "have" to.

Star
•Cover Story: "Angie's Down to 98 Pounds!" (pages 42-45). Star says that Angelina is still scary-skinny, having hot flashes and collapsing. Why? Because of her mother's death and her "punishing schedule". A cover story? Really? And this qualifies as "news" according to whom? The carrier pigeons who just delivered the Reader's Digest to Star's bureau in Bhutan?
•"Lindsay's Rehab Confessions" (pages 36-37). Star reports that some fellow rehabbers at Promises are spilling info from Lindsay's group-counseling sessions. The secrets: Lindsay has problems with men (no shit!) and uses alcohol as a means of coping with her own "social anxiety". Also: The staff at Promises worry that Lindsay might be bulimic, and Lindsay has told her mom Dina to put the brakes on her reported TV show before she ruins her other kids' lives.
•On page 49, Star runs an "exclusive" on a woman's three-month affair with George Clooney that she described to the U.K.'s Daily Mirror. (Funny how we thought that fact sort of made it the Daily Mirror's exclusive!) Star takes a little liberty in clarifying the woman's story by making sure to add that she is an "exotic dancer": "We kissed and cuddled into the early hours, but he didn't make me feel like a[n exotic] dancer"
•Nicole Richie has popped around 73,000 pills (pages 40-41)! Star editors calculate this number by taking the word of an "insider" that she used to take 50 pills a day starting at age twenty, then multiplying that by six years, then subtracting two of those years because she went to rehab a bunch of times. The story also contains the following pull-quote from an "insider": "Since she was 20, Nicole has taken enough pills for an entire population." An entire population of, um, moderately relaxed people?
•New contender for the Celebrity Couple You Least Want To Imagine Fucking Award: Tommy Lee and Kimberley Stewart (page 19).

US Weekly (Otherwise known as the New Yorker of celeb weeklies!)
•Cover Story: Hollywood's Hot New Diet! (Pages 50-55) Have you heard? Jessica Simpson has slimmed down a bit. Her trainer plugs his new book The 5-Factor Diet. A bunch of other celebs lost weight too! The trick apparently is eating fewer calories and exercising! The story contains the sentence: "(Go to 5factordiet.com for book and delivery service details.)" Wow, US really knows how to put the "service" in "service journalism!"
•Kyra Sedgwick poses the question "What is really the difference between putting makeup on and having stuff shot up your face?" (Page 16). Well, Kyra, besides the needles, and the money, and the fact that you can't steal a little evening Botox from Sephora, we're totally drawing a blank!
•Jessica Biel has officially had enough fake-tan sessions to play Mariane Pearl in the sequel to A Mighty Heart. (Page 37)
•"Us Plays Ask the Shrink!" (Pages 68-71). US asks Dr. Drew Pinsky to analyze celebrity behavior. According to Dr. Drew, Britney and Kelly Clarkson are the craziest, the latter for stating in Elle magazine that she doesn't want to get married. We think Dr. Drew is kind of crazy for thinking anyone who grew up listening to Loveline isn't totally afraid of twentysomething dudes.

In Touch
•Cover Story: "Nicole's Bump Gets Bigger!" (Pages 40-43) InTouch still wants to believe that Nicole Richie is pregnant, saying that she is avoiding alcohol. Yeah, in much the same way we avoid alcohol!
•Heroes star Hayden Panettiere's mom is trying to beat Dina Lohan in the department of Stage Moms Who Try Too Hard. (Page 17.) Seriously, who would mistake a woman wearing pantyhose for someone young enough to be Hayden's sister?
•Larry Birkhead moves into Anna Nicole Smith's house, classing up the joint with a leopard-print chair! (Page 45.)

Life & Style
•Cover Story: Wedding News! (Pages 40-42.) Can Life & Style find an excuse not to mentino The Hills' blondiful Heidi and Spencer? No they cannot! Also, the magazine's editors calm our fears that Jennifer Aniston might be rushing into things with her boyfriend of two-weeks, Paul Sculfor. Cause we were worried!
•Apparently Angelina Jolie wants to get married (pages 32-35) and Brad Pitt says that "his life began" the day he met her, thus creating a whole new barrage of stories for following week about how "Jen is hurt by Brad, again" and "Brad gives Jen the final message: it's over for good!"

Our pick: US! Though we sincerely hope Dr. Marc Siegel was not behind their estimate that John Mayer was once 225 pounds!

Welcome to Midweek Madness, Jezebel's weekly roundup of the celebridiocracy as seen through the gimlet eyes of Bonnie Fuller, Janice Min and whoever the fuck is responsible for Bauer Publications. In which we "read" the Wednesday tabs. So you don't "have" to.

In other news, Angelina is so skinny because she has a guilt complex about the billions and billions and billions of people in the world who don't have enough to eat. What? Didn't that mom whose death was last month's excuse for her anorexia teach her the Clean Plate Club Theory of Starving Children? Or are Maddox and Pax now sitting around fasting in luxury out of guilt for their old countrymen too? Sigh..

Star
*Cottage Cheeks! Taking at cue from the recent NY Mag issue on cancer survivors, Star gives an inspiring spin to an evergreen downer of a magazine topic. You know, summer cellulite! That's right, they found stars who BEAT it! Intriguingly, the star of the package is one Britney Spears, whose feta-ass (hey, we've got one too!) we just glimpsed on Monday after paps snapped a photo of her World's Largest Wedgie in Mexico. But according to Star (page 50), Brit has actually gotten rid of her dimples through LipoDissolve, which makes us wonder if the real story-behind-the-story would not be "How stars got the celeb tabs to stop writing about their tapioca thighs." In sidebars: Mischa Barton and Kimberly Stewart are encouraged to not "give up" their quest to get rid of their "cellulite" (p. 54 and 55). Other tidbits from Star today? *Brad says no more to being "Mr. Mom"! (pages 48-9); Underage drinking EXPOSED (p. 46-7); "Celebs don't play by the same rules as the rest of us" (page 47); Jesse McCartney (?) is a lush and some waitresses are scared to ID celebs because they might get in trouble or fired (page 47); Paris Hilton will get serious bank for all the interviews and book deals after jail. No shit! (page 45)

Life & Style
Baby News! Angelina wants two more kids, so it's a good thing Maddox is nearing baby-sitting age already (page 27); Katie Holmes [According to Tom Cruise it's "Kate" now. -Ed.] also wants another baby and is on a special diet that Tom "helped devise" of egg-white omelettes and fruit and probably the bone marrow of aliens (page 28); Nicole Richie might be preggers because she has a bit of a lump in some unflattering jersey dress and made a recent visit to a "reproductive clinic". However, she could just have that weird bump cause she's malnourished (page 30). Other tidbits: Britney's revealing confessions! L&S needs to bring in some Ph.D to decode Britney's blog posts (page 37); Top Hollywood Dads: Brad is number one! (page 49). Oh! And Spencer Pratt of The Hills gives #1945 in a string of exclusive interviews, reveals he is "pretty obsessed" with Heidi Montag and he thinks she is going to change the music industry. Because, you know, she is so not dependent on affirmation from men for self-actualization! (Page 51).

InTouch
Stars Without Makeup! cover story: All of them look generally good w/o make up except Emily Deschanel (page 37). Also: More on Nicole's bump! She is soooo in love with Hilary Duff's ex-boyfriend (page 42); and remember when she played a pregnant woman on The Simple Life? No? (page 43). Also: One "pal" says that Nicole is too thin to be pregnant. What about we leave that to the BIG GUY, frenemies??? Other tidbits: Lindsay Lohan isn't taking rehab seriously (page 26), Callum Best says "who cares" when asked about her (page 27). And lastly, all about Paris Hilton: She will make a lot of money (page 57), painted some ceramic things at Color Me Mine before she went to prison (page 56), and rounded out her week-long voyage of almost perversely inane shows of spiritual soul-searching at Paula Abdul's House of Sunday Upchuck...also known as church! (Page 56).