If a sexually-dissatisfied Southern woman happens to be on the lam with her friend, she can no longer count on glistening young cowboy drifter Brad Pitt to make the fuck with her. Why? Because he doesn't do onscreen sex scenes anymore, out of respect for Angelina Jolie, and she does the same for him.

We've lost count of how many "threats" Glee star Chris Colfer is at this point: dancing, singing, acting, onscreen ascot-wearing, a 2011 Time Magazine Influential Person, and now novel-writing. Sextuple threat? The Golden Globe winner and two-time Emmy nominee's debut novel, a fantasy called The Land of Stories: The…