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New York, 1:35 AM
Tue Dec 1
67 posts in the last 24 hours
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02/28/09
We cannot judge Rhianna. The only thing that can be done is to offer her support, resources, and education, and let her know that you (not us, exactly, but the people in her life) are there when she is ready to leave. But it is ultimately her decision. And she will not leave until she is really, truly ready to.
While I'm sad for her, I'm even more sad that this issue has been made so public, and people that do not understand anything about the dynamics of an abusive relationship will judge her for actions that many, many women have taken before her.
02/28/09
I don't think I will "find another audience." I thought I was participating in a thoughtful discussion about domestic violence and the psychological realities of the cycle of abuse.
But thanks for making it seem like I am gung-ho about Rihanna returning to Chris Brown, or any other woman going back to her abuser, just because I refuse to believe that cutting them off entirely is the best way to encourage them to leave.
02/28/09
And I'm glad, for what it's worth, that you convinced your friend NOT to throw in the towel on her sister.
02/28/09
Best. Casting. EVER!
02/28/09
Most of the time abuse doesn't start with the hitting. It starts with breaking down your sense of self until you feel like you *deserve* the hitting, or the kicking, or the rape, or whatever it is the abuser does to you.
This is another case of privilege speaking first. It's so easy to say, 'I'd leave.' But find a woman you respect who you know to have been abused, and see what she says about it.
For me, I like to believe I'd leave if I got hit. But my sense of self worth can be fragile, and I know damn well that it probably wouldn't take much to make me believe I deserved it.
02/28/09
If you read the research and literature on domestic abuse you will see that it is carefully done over a period of time, so that the victim is completely blindsided and brainwashed and by the time they realize how fucked up the situation is, they have no real control over their own choices. It isn't as simple as somebody flying off the handle and hitting you one day in an argument - that is a cut and dry instance of 'so and so snapped' and is much easier to have perspective on. But when it begins gradually, starting with comments here and there, financial manipulations, sexual manipulations, slow isolation, a gradual escalation in violence and abuse...it's like the old saying 'if you throw a frog in boiling water he'll jump out, but if you put him in a pot and slowly heat it to boiling he'll let himself get cooked'. That's exactly how it is.
My best friend's sister lived in a domestic violence household for over 10 years. She married at 16 and had three kids by the time she was 21. Her husband beat the crap out of her. She showed up for Jess' wedding with two black eyes. Jess offered her money, a place to stay, found her shelters, and offered her any and all resources at her disposal to get her out, but she always went back. Why? Because 'I love him'. Jess finally got ready to throw in the towel for good and cut her out completely, and I convinced her not to. After what I'd been through, I had enough insight to understand the situation. And it's lucky that Jess didn't give up on her, because her sister actually got up the guts to leave the guy last year. And she hasn't been anywhere near him ever since. Sure, it took her 10 years, but she did it. And she's lucky that when she did, Jess was there for her, or she might never have done it.
I have talked entirely too much on this thread!
02/28/09
02/28/09
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02/28/09
"You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall
You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall
So If I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all"
02/28/09
I sincerely hope that if you ever have a daughter or sister or young friend who ever struggles with abuse, you won't say to her, "You're an idiot for going back to him, and I will have no sympathy for you when he hits you again." Faced with that attitude, where will she go when he does?
Smart, lovely, successful women of my acquaintance have struggled to leave their abusers in part b/c of the culture of shame that surrounds them. Only "dumb" women get beaten, so clearly they must be dumb. It's a disgusting myth, and somehow I feel like your comment perpetuates it.
02/28/09
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02/28/09
02/28/09
Of course, I've always been reasonably pretty and very shy, and I've kissed exactly 0 (and no girls, either), so, you know, I am inclined to THANK Blake Lively for owning up to not having kissed lots of guys.
02/28/09
However, I feel like banking on those rare success stories is incredibly dangerous. If the guy can get help and become a decent man, great. But how many of them can't or won't? And, as PilgrimSoul said, it isn't like CB was acting terrifically remorseful. So, you know, I have my doubts.
I'm trying not to be angry with Rihanna. Disappointed, yes. But sympathetic.
02/28/09
02/28/09
I...can't decide which part of my brain is to blame for this. Is it the academic or the ... I'm not sure I can call it "Britney fan" side, b/c I'm not a fan, exactly. "Britney sympathizing" side of my brain?
02/28/09