dirt bag

Leaving SNL? Really, Amy Poehler? Really?

• Amy Poehler is leaving Saturday Night Live! She'll step away after the November election to give birth to her first child, and she won't be coming back. "It's gonna be really hard — Boyz II Men hard — to say goodbye to yesterday," she says. "But like any good drug, you need to know when to put it down." Amy will still be on TV, though: She's getting her own NBC series from the producers of The Office. [LA Times]
• RIP TRL! After ten years, Total Request Live will end its run on MTV. All kinds of stars stopped by the studios promote their projects, from Britney Spears to *NSync to Eminem. Remember when Mariah had her meltdown? It's the end of an era. [AP]
• Katie Couric has landed an interview with Sarah Palin. The CBS anchor will travel with the Governor next week. Will the ladies go on a moose hunt? [Page Six]
• Amy Winehouse posted pictures of Blake Incarcerated exposing his manhood on her Facebook profile. (Click to see a censored version.) In other news, Blake would rather stay in prison than accept early release where he has to live with his mum and wear an electronic monitoring device because he doesn't want to go somewhere where he can't be with Amy. [The Sun]

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dirt bag

Lindsay Lohan: Don't Ask Me About My Sister's Chest

• "i just had to share something that came up today and it made me feel a bit sick to my stomach. so, here's the visual... two paparazzi come up out of nowhere (like usual) and start throwing questions at me... one of them being, 'Hey Lindsay, what do you have to say about people commenting on your sisters implants?' WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14 year old girl, and you are a pedophile! i am not judging people that do, but i am just saying that its not something that my family finds necessary to do, especially when you're not even fully developed yet! It is hard enough being 14 years old and you have enough insecurities to begin with, then add being in the public eye... i just find it really disconcerting that people have to focus on the negative and that some people are sooooo bored with their own lives that they need to manifest lies to hurt another person." — Lindsay Lohan, on her MySpace Celebrity blog. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Christian Bale will get a "caution" — is that like a warning? — for allegedly pushing and shoving his sister and mom. Meaning he won't go to court. [The Sun]
• Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi: "Getting married very very soon." [Perez Hilton]
• Jennifer Aniston's been seen with model Matt Felker. Also known as Selma Blair's ex-boyfriend. Also known as the guy from Britney's "Toxic" video. [Perez Hilton]
• Apparently John Mayer is "still mulling" his relationship with Jen and might be upset that she's seeing someone new right away. Whatever, dude. [Mirror]

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dirt bag

Shia LaBeouf's Drunk Driving Disaster

• Shia LaBeouf: Arrested on suspicion of drunk driving Sunday. He was trying to make a left turn at a West Hollywood intersection at 3 am when his pickup truck smashed into another vehicle and rolled over. Shia was taken to Cedars-Sinai for injuries to his left hand and a knee, as well as a minor head injury. Don't drink and drive, people. [AP]
• Shia was booked at the hospital. He's recovering from "extensive hand surgery" and will return to the set of Transformers 2 in about a month. [Yahoo News]
• This picture of Shia's truck shows a "mangled mess." [TMZ]
• Mary-Kate Olsen has confirmed that she was Heath Ledger's "secret lover" when he died in January. If you believe Grazia magazine. She says: "I'm just completely shattered about Heath. I loved him so much. We had this amazing connection and now he's gone. I just can't get over him." Plus! She's convinced that Heath's family, friends and fans hate her... She may be right. [ONTD]

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dirt bag

Yup, Jennifer Garner Is With Child

• Jennifer Garner's Alias spydaddy, Victor Garber, spills that Jen and Ben have a bun in the oven. "She is five months pregnant," he says. They are very happy." [Us Magazine]
• Is Uma Thurman knocked up? [Rush & Molloy]
• People, this is crazy but the Michael Lohan paternity test (remember Ashley Kaufman?) has been delayed. Last week a commenter said that on Maury they can get it done in like 2 days. But apparently the testing company in this case won't process the test without a court order. Michael's going to see if he can get one. [Yahoo News]
• Keith Urban says being a new dad is "pure bliss" and that he and Nicole Kidman are "absolutely overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and well wishes we are receiving." [People]
• A settlement is likely in the Britney/Kevin custody case — meaning it won't go to trial, thank Zeus. [People]
• This just in! The case has been settled. Kevin will get sole legal and physical custody. Britney will have visitation rights. Pending court approval. [Yahoo News, People]

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pot psychology

"Is It Normal For Straight Girls To Only Like Girl-On-Girl Porn?"

It's time for another installment of Pot Psychology, the "advice column" in which everyone's problems are solved with an "herbal" remedy. (Remember, kids: Don't do drugs!) In this episode, Rich and I got help from our pal Sasha Frere-Jones again, to tackle problems like leaky vaginas, syphilis, and boyfriends who drool during oral sex. Got a burning question? Send it to potpsych@jezebel.com. (Please keep them short; they're verrrry hard to read when stoned.) More »

dirt bag

Jamie Lynn Spears (Maybe) Gives Birth Today!

• Britney Spears is in Louisiana! Her 17-year-old sister Jamie Lynn should be delivering a baby super soon. [People]
• Jamie Lynn's induced labor could be happening RIGHT NOW! (Possible baby name: Cailynn, a composite of Casey and Lynn.) [ONTD]
• It could be a C-section, you guys. [DListed]
• Kevin Federline has a new gal and she might have an arrest record. [TMZ]
• Cynthia Nixon had breast augmentation? And Kristin Davis had varicose veins removed? Really? [Page Six]
• In an old voicemail Charlie Sheen left for Denise Richards, Charlie dropeed the N-word and a bunch of F-bombs. Sez Charles: "I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended, especially to Tony Todd, an African American, who was my best man at my first two weddings." Uh, yeah, that makes it all better. [E!]

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aging gracefully

Happy Anniversary To Jezebel And My Senile Brain (Astrology And Tony Toni Tone After The Jump)

Do you know what today is? Yeah, well for some reason I Googled "March 21" instead of "May 21" and then wrote a post about how it was Kevin Federline's birthday and the 28th anniversary of the "Who Shot J.R." episode of Dallas. See, the "Who Shot J.R." episode of Dallas was watched, simultaneously, by 83 million Americans, more Americans than had voted in any of the prior six presidential elections, but maybe it was a sign of civic involvement to come, because more than 86 million people voted in the 1980 election, and we'd like to think we are living in similarly "transformative" times. "Who Shot J.R.?" represented a peak in the mass-ness of American mass culture that will never again be reached. No American fictional character, not even Carrie Bradshaw, will ever again seize the depleted imaginations of so many Americans; we have too many options now, too many variations on the ephemera and too many…well, too many fucking blogs. Anyway I say this because I was pretty sure, when Jezebel was born a year ago today, that it was going to fail. First of all, what's up with that name? I'm still not quite used to saying, "I work for, uh, this site called…Jezebel?" So anyway, I was wrong. About the date, and so much else. You're all here! And you know how success breeds superstition? Anna decided to get Jezebel's astrological chart read. Without further ado: More »

dirt bag

Will Amy Sing At Mandela's Birthday Bash?

• Nelson Mandela personally called Amy Winehouse and asked her to sing at his birthday party on June 27! The former president of South Africa phoned her! Bono, Elton John and Annie Lennox are expected to perform as well. This UK paper says,"Let's hope [Amy] bee-hives herself!" Yuk, yuk. [Mirror]
  
• Meanwhile: Does Blake Incarcerated have a secret mistress? Is he plotting with the "mystery blonde" to run away with her — and a chunk of Amy's £10 million fortune? [The Sun]
  
• Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are due in court today for a progress review. A completely uninformed opinion? She's doing better. [People]
  
• Owen Wilson allegedly picked up some chick (not Kate Hudson) and invited her back to is boat and propositioned her to join him in a threesome with Vince Vaughn. There was a time that a Butterscotch Stallion/Money Baby sandwich would have been soooo hot, and that time was 2001. [Perez Hilton]
  
• Britney's back at work on How I Met Your Mother. She looks cute dressed to match Neil Patrick Harris! [TMZ]

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dirt bag

Ryan Reynolds & Scarlett Johansson: Trouble In Paradise

• Are not-so-secret couple Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds on the rocks? Sources say he wants to get hitched (and have kids) and she's not ready. Not ready. For Ryan Reynolds. It just doesn't seem right. [News.com.au]
  
• Naomi Campbell is banned from British Airways! How ever will she travel? Wait! Virgin Atlantic says she is welcome to fly with them. [Mirror]
  
• Brad Pitt tried to get a 95% discount on a place to stay while shooting a film in Texas — not because he's got mouths to feed, but because the film is a small-budget indie. He does have a lot of mouths to feed, though. [MSNBC]
  
• Meanwhile, Saint Angelina is on Capitol Hill with her brother James Haven, lobbying for Global Action for Children. [Politico]
  
• Is Beyoncé pregnant? Some are saying it was a shotgun wedding...just like her sister's? [Rush & Molloy]

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