Know what's great about Carrie Underwood's dress? You just know from sense memory that it feels like one of those Barbie gowns.


Don't worry, Selena Gomez, there's enough glitz to go around!


So, over the weekend I was considering the purchase of a pair of silk tap shorts. And the saleslady said to me, "the great thing is, when you can't decide between a skirt or pants, you reach for the shorts." Wonder if that was Chani Christie's process.


I like how Melissa Etheridge always puts just enough thought into her selections to make you think. Think about...life. And sequins.


Ah, the barber pole. The last refuge of a scoundrel.


Reba McIntyre may or may not have ridden here. Through a briar patch. Western-style, presumably.


Shakira looks adorable, is apparently going to walk through a Medieval town square filled with excrement for an audience with the king.


That's good: otherwise we might not have been sure where Kelly Clarkson's breasts were.


It's like Toni Braxton's leg is about to perform a Gypsy Rose Lee-style striptease.


What Phoebe Price has to do with American Music, I can't say. What she has to do with "never disappointing" is a lot.


Oh, but you know what's apparently over my head? Leona Lewis's dress.


Paula Abdul, once again, dressed for a ball that only she is attending. This may be genius. It may be tragic.


Rihanna's die-cut doily: the evening's most creative - and prettiest - look.


Is Alicia Keys' frock a) for a figure-skating engagement later in the evening b) a bet she lost c) Andy Kaufman-style performance art or, and I very much fear it's this, d) none of the above?


Kristen, psst...there's a strip missing from your dress. Oh, it's supposed to be like that? I'll just...walk over here. There's Val Kilmer. In a hat.


Remember those weird "toys" where there were a bunch of pins in a box and you stuck your hand or, if you were brave, your face in, and it sort of hurt, but at the end you had a really neat, ephemeral impression of it? Fergie does!


I'll say this for Bobby Trendy. He's gotten his picture up on Getty.

[Images via Getty]

It's no surprise that Self put Clarkson on its key September issue – her August 2007 cover was a top seller that year, according to the Audit Bureau of Circulations. But according to WWD Memo Pad's Stephanie D. Smith (a former colleague), "The issue was the magazine's worst seller through September on newsstands, pulling in 220,000 copies and causing the magazine to miss its rate base that month." What went wrong? It's tempting to believe that widespread disdain at a grotesque Photoshop job was to blame, but that's not the whole story.

Once upon a time, women's magazines had a list of rules of what worked on covers –- which teases, colors, numbers postures, type of celebrity. The media world is a lot more crowded now, the rules are continually broken and disproved, and any ladymag editor will readily admit that predicting what will sell on a cover is by no means a science. Would you have guessed, for example, that Zooey Deschanel would be Self's best selling cover so far this year, outselling even number two contender Beyonce? (That's according to the Audit Bureau of Circulations' publisher reports).

Something that fanned the popular outrage against the Self cover was the fact that anyone who cares could find out exactly what Clarkson really looks like online – and did. Everyone knows there's an element of fantasy in magazines, but when the reality (seen in hourly paparazzi and red carpet shots on blogs) and the polished image are so glaringly far apart, you can't blame readers for feeling like they're being taken for fools and walking on by.

Aggressive Photoshopping also serves to make all celebrities look exactly the same — who hasn't stood at a newsstand and wondered which indistinguishable blondish and lean cover star is which? A casual glance might easily miss the fact that that's the ever-popular Clarkson, thoroughly transformed. (Incidentally, Clarkson also got the shrink treatment from the photo department at Elle in 2007, but fewer people seem to expect body-positivity - or reality - from a high fashion magazine.)

Yeah, Deschanel hasn't moved as many units as Clarkson or Beyonce. But take a look at that cover photo again. It's sunny and appealing – and it looks like her.

A Better Self In 2010 [WWD]

Earlier: Kelly Clarkson Slimmed Down On Self Via Photoshop

Danziger's appearance on a Women at NBCU breakfast panel last Wednesday shows she really needs to learn when to cut her losses — we don't need to hear her say that "Kelly liked the picture" for the eight zillionth time, or that "we did not make her look skinny, we made her look better." But the real kicker is her explanation for whittling Clarkson away in the first place. She says,

[P]eople like to say, "Oh, the media is the problem." I would say that, if we're really honest, the reason some of these magazines get bought by people is because they want to see that image. It is a consumer-driven market. If you put something on the newsstand and they don't like it, it won't get bought.

She goes on to say we could "debate [...] all day" whether magazine Photoshopping or a consumer desire for unrealistic images came first — but it's clear which side she falls on. And even though she thinks her consumers demand Photoshopping, she still claims that Self doesn't really use it that much. The magazine is "as honest as they come," she says — except, presumably, for the whole Kelly Clarkson thing.

Danziger's argument that she's just giving her customers what they demand echoes Cosmo editor Kate White's "contribution" to the whole Ralph Lauren Photoshopping mess last week. In her (rather superfluous) appearance on the Today Show, White said,

I think women have to protest - and back it up. Because sometimes women say they want real girls in stories, but often those stories don't rate as well. Or if you put a heavy celebrity on the cover it might not sell as well. So women have to complain, and then back it up with their actions. Their pocketbooks.

Both editors neatly pass the buck to magazine readers, whose appetites they claim really dictate how teensy a cover girl must be. This is pretty disingenuous, especially given that women's magazine editors set themselves up as tastemakers in so many other areas. They sell ads — and get free shit for advertorial features — largely by convincing companies that women will buy the products they recommend. They position themselves as trendsetters at the forefront of fashion — not followers who just report on what women are already wearing. Especially in the case of Self, they give health and lifestyle advice, and while they sometimes feature reader opinions, they don't base all their tips on workouts readers already perform. Women's magazines are completely in the business of telling women what to wear, what to buy, what to eat, and what to do, and the idea that women tell them what to put on the cover is ludicrous.

Moreover, it's hard to even evaluate Danziger's claims about readers' tastes, since they don't really have very many options. There is no mainstream American women's magazine that features un-Photoshopped models of all shapes and sizes. There's Bust, but with its smaller budget and bimonthly publication schedule, it's not a real competitor. Really, the major women's magazines represent something of a cartel of unrealistic female images, and women searching for an alternative will have a hard time "voting with their pocketbooks" — there's nothing to vote for.

Of course, it's true that Danziger and White are in the business of selling magazines, not making us all hate our bodies. Their reluctance to experiment with, say, not Photoshopping probably has as much to do with fear of the unknown — and perhaps fear of advertiser response — as it does with misogyny and sizeism. But as I've said before, women's magazines are in financial trouble, and the old formulas clearly aren't working so well anymore. In fact, the biggest ad gains this month were reported, not by Cosmo or Self, but by Southern Living and Real Simple, which sport food, not models, on their covers, and which credit their success to helping women actually do stuff. So maybe it's time for editors like White and Danziger to stop making excuses about what consumers want, and give them some actual choices.

3 Minute Ad Age: October 20, 2009 [AdAge]
Top 5 Monthlies: Giving Women What They Want [MinOnline]

Earlier: Kelly Clarkson Slimmed Down On Self Via Photoshop

Ralph Lauren Fires Photoshopped Model For Being "Too Fat"

Jennifer Hudson, for instance: an actual survivor. Which, I guess, entitles her to a futuristic suit of armor, if that's what she wants.


Or, obviously, Liza! Sequins, wigs, and single-name-recognition are true diva hallmarks.


Toni Braxton appreciates the drama of the occasion, even if this does swing a little David's Bridal.


And Kathy and Hoda, obviously, needed to be here. Their getups are deliciously frumpy. And I'm kind of feeling all the virginal white - both seasonally and occasionally inappropriate.


Kathy Griffin is a virtual virgin goddess! No, seriously, I really like this gown.


Paula is, of course, the grand mistress of this whole thing. Her rather elegantly subdued dress is saved from too much quiet good taste by ruby slippers and - are those stockings?


Speaking of quiet good taste - and wigs - Kim Zolciak is actually going much looser than usual in azalea-tinted meringue.


Kelly Clarkson, diva-in-training, looks about as youthful as an operatic diva with a long history of Wagner performances behind her.


Jordyn Sparks also skews a little frumpy. Which, given the event, I'm kind of feeling.


India.Arie sort of looks like she has gold spilling from her breasts. Nice skill to have!


The horizontal wrap on Sheryl Crow's gauzy number isn't terribly flattering - but might have been better with a shoe other than these high-cut booties.


If you're dressing around a generous bust, like Sheri Shepherd, tight and one-shouldered isn't really the most flattering option, as it results in the dreaded sling effect.


Adele, embryo diva, continues her run as one of the best-dressed women on the proverbial red carpet of life.


You know who don't qualify as divas? Whitney Port and Lauren Conrad. That said, I'm glad they made a sequin effort.


Also: Miley Cyrus. And her dress is terrible. The end.
[Images via Getty]

And here's the live stream:

• Donald Trump is calling for people to boycott Kanye West due to "Swift-gate," "so this kind of thing doesn't happen again." He says, "He couldn't care less about Beyonce. It was grandstanding to get attention." From one who'd know. [TMZ]

• Kanye West apologized again to Taylor Swift on his blog, writing: "I feel like Ben Stiller in "Meet the Parents" when he messed up everything and Robert De Niro asked him to leave... That was Taylor's moment and I had no right in any way to take it from her. I am truly sorry." He wrote another statement last night, but it was quickly deleted. [TMZ]
• Taylor Swift told reporters after the incident, "Well, I was standing on stage because I was really excited because I had just won the award. And then I was really excited because Kanye West was on stage. And then I wasn't so excited anymore after that." [Us]
• More celebrities are weighing in on Kanye. John Mayer Tweeted: "Big love to my girl @taylorswift13. A class act." Joel Madden writes: "WOW Taylor Swift's first VMA and she didn't even get to ENJOY it. Kanye You were just a bully on that one man." Katy Perry gets right to the point: "F**K U KANYE. IT'S LIKE U STEPPED 0N A KITTEN." [TMZ]
• Kanye may have messed with the wrong lady. The guy who played "Wolf" on American Gladiators wrote: "Just thought Kanye might want to know I hang with alot of the Country Artist and I will bump into him somewhere... HARD and several times!!! He is an ass and needs taken down, maybe Criss B can be there too. School is about to open and lessons about to be taught!" [TMZ]
• Kelly Clarkson wrote a blog post addressed to Kanye saying: "I've seen you do some pretty shitty things, but you just keep amazing me with your tactless, asshole ways. It's absolutely fascinating how much I don't like you. I like everyone. I even like my asshole ex that cheated on me over you… which is pretty odd since I don't even personally know you... The best part of this evening is that you weren't even up for THIS award and yet you still have a problem with the outcome. Is winning a moon man that much of a life goal?? You can have mine if it will shut you up. Is it that important, really??" [Rolling Stone]
• Even Joe Jackson bashed Kanye, saying, "I don't know what he was doing, he jumped up on stage and snatched that microphone out of that poor girl's hand. They should blackball him out of show business for that. He just leapt up there, that was bad." [TMZ]
• It seems Russell Brand is the only one who has any sympathy for Kanye. He says, "I know Kanye, and I know he's a nice bloke. We all make mistakes in life... We're all people, these things are a bit silly, no one died." [People]
• Telepictures, the production company behind Ellen DeGeneres' and Tyra Banks' shows, wants to develop a View-like show starring Kate Gosselin and Paula Deen. "They're looking around and casting for other women to be on the show with them," said a source. "But they want all the women to be moms." [E!]
• While co-hosting The View this morning, Kate Gosselin said of her divorce, "This is definitely, I'm not going to lie, difficult... For the sake of my children, I'm going to take the high road" and not discuss the matter further. [People]
• Kate Gosselin said at the Cleveland Women's show on Friday, "I've lost a lot of control in my life," adding, "At the beginning of all of this, you've heard me say before, I didn't want fans gawking, I didn't want people gawking, I just wanted to be myself, my family. I have learned, I appreciate your support, I need you, I love you, thank you." [Us]
• On the red carpet of the Toronto International Film Festival paparazzi told Colin Farrell's sister to move along so they could get a shot of him and he grabbed a photographer by the collar and shouted at him until he apologized. [Daily Mail]
• Ne-Yo has been in the studio with Rihanna, working on her next album. He says, "Expect an edgier, almost angrier Rihanna on this one... Rihanna says some things on this album that you've never heard her say before." [E!]
• "All kinds of things keep me grounded. My dogs and having to wake up and walk them every morning and having to walk them before bed at night," says Mischa Barton. "The routine of everything I do – going to work every day here and working on a television series and how much work that is." [People]
• Elton John and his partner David Furnish won't be able to adopt a 14-month-old HIV-positive boy from Ukraine because the country requires adoptive parents to be no older than 45 and married. Elton said, "He has stolen my heart. And he has stolen David's heart and it would be wonderful if we can have a home." [AP]
• Nick Hornby and Ben Folds wrote a song called "Levi Johnston's Blues," which includes the lyrics, "I like to do some shit, do some chillin' I guess/ You fuck with me and I'll kick your ass." [New York Magazine]
• Harrison Ford says, "The story for the new Indiana Jones is in the process of taking form...Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and myself are agreed on what the fifth adventure will concern, and George is actively at work. If the script is good, I'll be very happy to put the costume on again." [People]
• Hulk Hogan is suing his own lawyers because he claims he paid them more than $1 million to represent his son Nick after his 2007 car crash but the law firm never informed him that his insurance company offered to represent him for free. [TMZ]
• Terri Irwin is getting caught up in a legal battle with the distributor of Croc Chocs and Zoogle Jellies, candies that feature a photo of Steve Irwin and are sold at the Australia Zoo. [News.com.au]
• The ACLU says Richard Hatch is being held under "harsh" conditions in a Masssachusetts jail for giving an unauthorized interview while he was on house arrest, and is being kept in solitary confinement for 23 hours a day. [USA Today]
• Oprah Winfrey says she's willing to go to Cophenhagen next month to help convince the International Olympic Committee that they should pick Chicago for the 2016 Summer Olympics. Chicago is up against Tokyo, Madrid, and Rio de Janeiro. [Chicago Tribune]
• Oprah Winfrey says even though she threw her support behind Barack Obama during the campaign, "I have not said one thing about this political situation and don't intend to... Everybody knows that I was a big campaigner for Obama and I still am. I think he's doing a great job. I think that it's the toughest job in the world with the economy and health care and all of that." [AP]
• Seth Meyers says he'll be doing 'Weekend Update' alone on the upcoming season of SNL, despite reports that Kristen Wiig would become his co-anchor. "I'm so heartbroken that the Internet, for the first time, was wrong about something," Meyers said. "How are we ever going to trust the Internet again?" [CNN]
• Lil Wayne's first child with Lauren London was born last Wednesday, and singer Nivea claims that she's also pregnant with his child. He already has two children from previous relationships. [E!]
• Michael Bay says he doesn't approve a letter from the crew of Transformers calling Megan Fox stupid and ungracious after she compared Bay to Hitler. He wrote on his website, "I don't condone the crew letter to Megan... and I don't condone Megan's outlandish quotes. But her crazy quips are part of her crazy charm. The fact of the matter is I still love working with her, and I know we still get along. I even expect more crazy quotes from her on 'Transformers 3.'" [UPI]
• On the finale of America's Got Talent on Wednesday nigh,t Susan Boyle will wear a Suzanne Neville dress the designer says will "really wow" the crowd. She says, "The brief was to make Susan look super elegant and so we created a long, classic black gown for Susan to wear." [People]
• At the Toronto Film Festival David Duchovny said of his wife Tea Leoni and their two kids, "I had to leave them this morning to come here – that's tough," adding that though he and Tea separated last fall now at home, "Everything is great." [People]
• RHOA's Kandi Burrus says of her relationship with her fiance AJ, "We're on hiatus. He's a great guy and he's not the type to sit on his behind like a scrub, so it has nothing to do with that. Yes, he has a lot of children, and yes, I didn't know about them all at first but I got over it because as long as you handle your responsibility and spend time with your children it's not an issue for me. Another thing I want to set the record straight on is that AJ was married before. A lot of people make comments like, if he didn't marry his other children's mothers then why do you think he's going to marry you." [ONTD]
• Robert Downey, Jr. says of his relationship with Jamie Foxx's character in The Soloist, "In some ways the film feels like a love-story. A platonic love story, of course. But it's also about faith – about believing in that connection between people, and to me that means believing in ourselves. It's funny to say this about what I guess is a big Hollywood movie, but actually it feels like something more personal, something quite pure." [The Telegraph]
• Beth Ditto says she doesn't mind that many people know who she is, but have never heard her music. She explains: "I'm not someone who says, 'It's all about the music, dude.' As a woman I think the media really want to see you demonised for having a life outside your musical family. A woman has her nuclear family, and that's supposed to be all there is, and if she steps outside that role of wife, mother or daughter to become an independent personality, she's immediately criticised for neglecting her motherly duty. That's exactly how I feel about Gossip; like I should have that motherly duty to my band. If I were a man I don't think it would be a problem." [The Independent]

On GMA this morning, Danziger unconvincingly said, "We didn't make [Clarkson] look thinner. I added a little height, because I wanted the impact of that cover." Then she changed the subject, saying "you want a colorful cover." But obviously the controversy isn't about the color of Clarkson's top (which is nice, for the record) — it's about the fact that SELF's version of her body bears no resemblance to the truth. In response to criticisms like this, Danziger says, "you can love a person, love her body, and retouch a picture." Is that like "love the sinner, hate the sin?"

In the Today Show interview seen above, Danziger spouted even more crap. After assuring viewers that "we love Kelly for the confidence that she exudes from within," she explained that on a cover, "you want to capture the essence of you at your best." Apparently this essence is just a little bit smaller than your actual physical body. She also says, "everyone can love who they are from the inside out, and want to achieve your goals." But Clarkson has achieved her goals — she's confident in herself and her work, and has repeatedly said that she's happy with her body. So how does artificially changing the way she looks help her achieve anything, or inspire anyone else to?

Danziger continues being offensive for the rest of the segment. She says, "no one can make you feel bad, only you can feel bad inside yourself," which is a pretty irresponsible statement coming from a magazine that publishes unrealistic (and unreal) images of women, and then advertises products to supposedly help actual people look more like these images. In fact, what the Clarkson cover reveals is that despite SELF's "health" focus, it's basically in the business of making women feel bad, just like the more fashion-oriented women's magazines.

Plus-size model and More To Love host Emme, who appeared alongside Danziger, touched on this fact as well. She called for "beautiful, aspirational images, but not all one way." But why do cover images need to be "aspirational" at all? There's no reason that looking at a picture of a celebrity has to make us want to be different, except in so far as this desire sells products. The idea that magazine readers want "aspirational" content is so accepted that Emme even parrots it when she's arguing for a greater diversity of body types, but what's wrong with images that are just beautiful, or just interesting, fun, or inspiring? It's time for more people question the notion that we read magazines because we like feeling unsatisfied with our bodies and our lives.

Kelly Clarkson's Photo Retouched [MSNBC]
Kelly Clarkson's Cover Photo Flap [ABC]

Earlier: Kelly Clarkson Slimmed Down On Self Via Photoshop
Self Editors Explain Covers Aren't Supposed To Look Realistic

Self's Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger, who admitted last week that this month's Kelly Clarkson cover was altered - "of course we do post-production correction on our images" - put up a post on her Self.com blog yesterday titled "Pictures That Please Us." She wrote that though the program the magazine uses is "technically not Photoshop," they "correct color and other aspects of the digital pictures we take and then publish the best version we can." Yes, every magazine cover is altered in some way, but the Kelly Clarkson isn't controversial just because it was color corrected or even because a few more locks of hair were added to her head: it's because the editors of Self constructed a new body that bears no resemblance to what Clarkson currently looks like. Below is the behind the scenes video Danziger posted, which makes it even more obvious that the cover shot was drastically altered.

Danziger explains that she's so pro-Photoshop that she's even had her own image altered:

When I ran the marathon five years ago, I was so proud of myself for completing it in under five hours and not walking a single step. But my hips looked big in some of the photos (I was heavier then), so when I wanted to put one of them on the editor's letter in SELF, I asked the art department to shave off a little. I am confident in my body, proud of what it can accomplish, but it just didn't look the way I wanted in every picture...

The same is true of vacation. I keep the pix that show us all happy and glowing and laughing and playing, not the ones where we are scowling or hungry or tired. The ones that make the Christmas card are the best of the best.

Everyone has left an unflattering picture out of a photo album, but that would be analogous to not running a photo of Kelly Clarkson with her eyes closed, not completely reshaping her body. Danziger may have altered her body in her marathon picture, but that just means that she was actually so insecure about her body that she drew herself a new one.

Oh, but Danziger goes on to claim that cover portraits are supposed to be idealized artists renderings of what the model could look like, especially since when she walks in to a photo shoot she may look as hideous as a real live person:

Portraits like the one we take each month for the cover of SELF are not supposed to be unedited or a true-to-life snapshot (more on that in a moment). When the cover girl arrives at the shoot, she is usually unmade up and casually dressed, and could be mistaken for a member of the crew or the editorial team in many cases. Once we do her makeup and hair, and dress her in beautifully styled outfits and then light her, we then set the best portrait photographer we can on a road to finding a pose and capturing a moment that shows her at her best.

Except they're not actually "capturing a moment" since the moment never existed! She continues:

Then we allow the postproduction process to happen, where we mark up the photograph to correct any awkward wrinkles in the blouse, flyaway hair and other things that might detract from the beauty of the shot. This is art, creativity and collaboration. It's not, as in a news photograph, journalism. It is, however, meant to inspire women to want to be their best. That is the point...

Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best. Did we publish an act of fiction? No. Not unless you think all photos are that. But in the sense that Kelly is the picture of confidence, and she truly is, then I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand.

So even though Kelly Clarkson has said she's confident at any size and Danziger points out that Clarkson works out and is "as fit as anyone else we have featured in Self," the magazine's staffers decided having her instantly shed a few pounds would make her look even more confident and healthy.

Oh-kay, then.

In another blog post, Ashley Mateo, the editorial assistant for Self's entertainment team, writes:

The truth is, we have absolutely no reason to get worked up over PhotoShop. Magazines don't hide the fact that they're always trying to sell issues—and to sell copies, you need to appeal to readers with the best writing and the best images possible. We all know celebrities are human (at least, we all should know), so why do we get bent out of shape when a magazine alters an image to portray a celebrity in their best light? No one wants to see a giant picture of some star's cellulite on the cover of a monthly mag—that's what we have tabloids for!

Right, because if magazines actually ran unaltered photos of celebrities, women may stop hating their arms because they look fat compared to Kelly Clarkson's. If we saw a few dimples on a healthy woman's thigh in a magazine, then tabloids might stop running photos with giant arrows pointing to the tell tale signs that celebrities are nothing more than normal human women. Danziger was right: the point is that magazine covers "inspire women to want to be their best." And the best way to keep women reading Self's workout recommendations and buying the useless beauty products advertised on its pages is to inspire them to keep chasing after a version of themselves that Doesn't. Really. Exist.

Lucy's Blog: Pictures That Please Us [Self.com]
SELFy Stars: The Wonders Of PhotoShop [Self.com]

Earlier: Kelly Clarkson Slimmed Down On Self Via Photoshop

On the new cover of Self below, the editors did everything they could to obscure what her body actually looks like. Her right arm is totally invisible and much of her left arm has been cropped out. A yellow dot strategically obscures the area where her butt meets her lower back and white pants against a white background make her legs almost invisible.

Much of the photo looks like it was drawn on a computer, which would be obvious even if Clarkson had been living in seclusion since From Justin To Kelly. But, the Photoshopping is even more obvious since Kelly Clarkson has been widely ridiculed in the past year for putting on weight. The pictures below were taken during a July 31 performance on Good Morning America.

At any rate, there is nothing wrong with the way Clarkson looks. She says in Self,

"My happy weight changes... Sometimes I eat more; sometimes I play more. I'll be different sizes all the time. When people talk about my weight, I'm like, 'You seem to have a problem with it; I don't. I'm fine!' I've never felt uncomfortable on the red carpet or anything."

But clearly the editors at Self don't share her opinion. Entertainment Tonight asked the magazine's Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger why Clarkson looks so drastically different on their cover and this was her reply:

"Yes, of course we do post-production corrections on our images," Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger tells ET. Airbrushing images is an industry standard, and the mag stands behind its decision. "SELF magazine inspires and informs our 6 million readers each month to reach their all around best," Lucy adds. "Kelly Clarkson exudes confidence, and is a great role model for women of all sizes and stages of their life. She works out and is strong and healthy, and our picture shows her confidence and beauty. She literally glows from within. That is the feeling we'd all want to have. We love this cover and we love Kelly Clarkson."

...but only if she's skinny. The Self editors must have known their alterations would be obvious, but what's particularly puzzling is why they asked Clarkson to be on the magazine in the first place. According to Self's editorial calendar, the September issue closed on July 1. Even if the photo shoot took place several weeks earlier (assuming the image wasn't just pasted together from old photos) it's not as if Clarkson's appearance changed radically in the past few months. These photos are from February and March:

Danziger is is right: Kelly Clarkson is a "great role model for women of all sizes." When the press goes after celebrities for gaining weight many apologize to the public, like Oprah Winfrey or Kirstie Alley, or frantically exercise and appear on the cover of Us flaunting their slimmed down selves like Jennifer Love Hewitt. So far Clarkson has only declared that she's OK with her body and backed her statements up by performing in clothing that exposes her figure, rather than hiding under billowy outfits. Of course, now Clarkson has appeared with a newly-slim body on the cover of Self, but it's a decision the editors made for her, rather than a message she wanted to put out herself.

Kelly Clarkson: Cover Controversy? [Entertainment Tonight]
Self Editorial Calendar [Conde Nast]

Earlier: Oprah's "Embarrassed" About Her Weight; I'm Pissed Off
Kirstie Alley On Oprah: Weight-Gain Humiliation, Jealousy Of Valerie Bertinelli
Jennifer Love Hewitt Wants You To Stop Talking About Her Body Unless You're Calling Her Skinny

If only Katie Couric's 2000 Today Show colonoscopy had had this many LOL moments. Maybe it's the Sherri-specific schadenfreude or the fact that it's the full Brazilian, but this is even better than that classic YouTube video of all those women getting bikini waxes. Dear The View, ignore her protests and please please please do Hasselbeck next.

• Last week, Katherine Heigl complained that "cruel and mean" Grey's Anatomy producers forced her to work a 17-hour day, but according to rumors, the schedule was the result of producers shuffling things around to let her promote The Ugly Truth.

• Ken Levine, a producer who does not work on Grey's, says that everyone on the crew was paid overtime for the long day, adding, "This is an extreme case of chutzpah, but it's not uncommon that when shows become big hits cast members become much in demand... All of a sudden, the show that launched their success is now sort of an imposition... So producers are put in the sticky position of either denying them these outside projects or moving heaven and earth to accommodate them." [The L.A. Times]
• EW reports that Jude Law is expecting his fourth child this fall, "following a relationship last year." A rep adds, "no other statements will be made." Mwahaha...we'll see about that! [EW]
• Brad Pitt joked, "It's so tough being an actor... Sometimes they bring you coffee, and sometimes it's cold, and sometimes you don't have a chair to sit on." [People]
• This morning Star said that Michael Cera is 21 and had been dating 33-year-old Charlyne Yi for the past three years, but the two recently broke up (right before their film Paper Hearts opens). Newsweek ran an article dubbing him "The Hipster's Cougar Cub" but then posted a retraction, saying she's probably in her early 20s even though numerous sources say she's 33. Nobody knows here real age, and Newsweek also says he's 20, so we really have no idea how old these kids are. [Newsweek]
• Michael Jackson's friend Dick Gregory said that during MJ's molestation trial he called him saying, "They're trying to kill me ... they'll poison me!" but he was actually just so extremely dehydrated that a doctor at the hospital said if he'd waiting another 12 hours to come in he would have died. [TMZ]
• Michael Jackson's former nutritionist says he mostly existed on juice and smoothie diet, but "He loved trail mix, and once a month he had to have fried chicken." [E!]
• Michael Jackson's chef, Kai Chase, said she knew something was wrong on the morning of MJ's death because Dr. Conrad Murray didn't come downstairs to get the juice and granola he brought him every morning. She says, "I started preparing the lunch and then I looked at my cell phone and it was noon. About 12:05 or 12:10 Dr. Murray runs down the steps and screams, 'Go get Prince!' He's screaming very loud. I run into the den where the kids are playing. Prince runs to meet Dr. Murray and from that point on you could feel the energy in the house change. I walked into the hall and I saw the children there. The daughter was crying. I saw paramedics running up the stairs." Chase, the nanny, the housekeeper, and the kids formed a prayer circle as paramedics tried to save MJ. [Us]
• The DEA and the LAPD are fighting with Las Vegas police because the former agencies wanted to do a simultaneous raid of Dr. Conrad Murray's Houston and Las Vegas residences to maintain an element of surprise, but the Las Vegas police held up the second raid for nearly a week. [TMZ]
• Q: What's hanging above your sofa? David Cross: A painting of Michael Jackson being honored in the Rose Garden with Ronald and Nancy Reagan by his side. [N.Y. Magazine]
• Is Blake Fielder-Civil just holding daily press conferences now? Today he announced that Amy Winehouse cheated on him with four other guys during their marriage. [The Sun]
• When asked about the tabloid-generated rumors that Jessica Simpson would reunite with John Mayer, John's friend Rob Dyrdek said "absolutely not," but added that he "wouldn't rule out... I'm just saying [I don't think so]." [People]
• As mentioned in Midweek Madness, Us claims Tony Romo is dating Natalie Smith, the daughter of his former athletic director at Eastern Illinois University, even though all parties deny it. A source says they're "are are not officially dating, but they are having an intimate relationship." [Us]
• Ryan Reynolds rep has denied rumors that he skipped Comic-Con because of a fight with wife Scarlett Johansson saying, "[The report] is completely untrue. Warner Brothers never planned to have Green Lantern as part of their panel at this year's Comic-Con and Ryan is in Europe shooting a film." [People]
• Yesterday Kelly Clarkson blamed producer Ryan Tedder for not telling her that the backing track on her song "Already Gone" is the same one used on Beyonce's "Halo." Today Tedder replied, "They are two entirely different songs conceptually, melodically, & lyrically and I would never try to dupe an artist such as Kelly Clarkson or Beyoncé into recording over the same musical track, the idea is both hurtful & absurd." [TMZ]
• Ugh. More Twitter clues that Miley Cyrus is leaving her Jonas Brother for Justin Gaston. She Tweeted a line from one of Gaston's songs (apparently he writes music) this morning. [People]
• Georgia Sheriff Al St. Lawrence says he didn't do anything wrong by arresting and releasing the 53-year-old man accused of stalking Miley Cyrus last month. "If we had heard something about this guy supposedly being a stalker or he had been charged with a felony he wouldn't have been released," said St. Lawrence. [WSAV]
• Johnny Depp is looking at schools near Bath, England, where he recently bought a home, for his children Lily-Rose, 10, and Jack, 7. [The Daily Express]
• Madonna has written a column titled "How My Life Changed" about her religious awakening for the Israeli paper Yediot Ahronot. [AP]
• Russell Crowe walked into a charity shop in the U.K. next door to the cafe he's been frequenting while working on Robin Hood and made a £1,000 donation. [BBC]
• Friends of LeAnn Rimes and Dean Sheremet aren't doing much to dispel the rumors that their marriage ended because he's gay (in addition to her affair). They say the two were always spotted shopping for clothes for LeAnn around Nashville and, "When she met Dean, the whole image of who LeAnn Rimes was completely morphed into 'fabulousity," says the source, adding, "Her wardrobe, hair and makeup changed almost over night from the time they started being together." [People]
• For some reason Radar Online has posted the last blurry picture taken of American Idol contestant Alexis Cohen a few hours before she was killed in a hit and run. [Radar Online]
• Bob Barker met with members of the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians in North Carolina to ask them to stop exhibiting bears in pit-like enclosures at local zoos. [Yahoo]
• Yesterday Courtney Love insulted The Veronicas and Taylor Momsen via Twitter. Lisa Origliasso Tweeted: "Is wondering what is considered 'credible' these days anyway!? A sob story? A drug addition? A guitar? Bleached hair? Give me a break.." [The Veronicas]
• Though a promo for The Real Housewives of Atlanta shows Sheree Whitfield pulling Kim Zolciak's wig off, Kim says, "It didn't happen." Co-star Lisa Wu Hartwell said of the incident, "Did that happen? You have to tune in to see that. But I know she had a hell of a grab on that. She had a serious mean grip." [Us]
• A public records search has revealed some of the names of the rides at the theme park Wizarding World of Harry Potter inside Universal Studios Orlando, including Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, Flight of the Hippogriff, and Dragon Challenge. [The L.A. Times]
• While promoting her new reality show How'd You Get So Rich? Joan Rivers said, "I'm still in this business at age 197, and am still relevant." [Media Week]
• A memorial garden honoring Adrienne Shelly, the Waitress actor, writer, and director who was murdered in 2006 will be dedicated in New York's West Village next week. [The N.Y. Times]
• Dolly Parton's Broadway musical 9 To 5 will close around Labor Day after a short run, losing about $14 million. [N.Y. Post]
• The Bachelorette Jillian Harris says of her engagement to Ed Swiderski, "It feels more normal than any relationship I've ever had," Harris says. "It's very strange how it's such a contradiction to have something so normal come from something that's so manic." [People]
• DJ AM was once a cocaine addict and survived a plane crash, and this fall he'll help the families of addicts stage interventions on the MTV show Gone Too Far. "There's no reason why I should have lived or why I lived and they didn't," Goldstein said. "I'm never gonna know. But I am alive and I'm here and I have to do something better with my life now." [The L.A. Times]
• "(I'm) a woman who has been through life experiences, thank God, and therapy. I love therapy! I'm very into it. I'm very in touch with my feelings, so I'm a completely different person. Not that different but you know... I gotta tell you, there's nothing like going in and sitting down and talking to someone who has no emotional tie to your life. Just to talk to someone. It's amazing." — Eva Mendes [The Daily Express]
• A fan asked David Beckham where he came up with his children's names and he responded: "With Brooklyn, we found out when we were in New York that Victoria was pregnant with him, so that's where his name comes from. Romeo comes from [the fact] that we're a very romantic couple. When we first met Tom Cruise - actually quite a few years ago – I said 'Isn't Cruise a really nice name?' And Cruz came from that. Tom was one of the first people we phoned when Cruz was born and told him. [People]
• When a reporter suggested Mad Men reflected the classiness of the '60s, Jon Hamm replied: "Buddy, I don't know if they had class back then. I can send you a couple of links of stuff where guys are berating their wives for making their coffee badly. What I think happened in the '60s is I think irony happened. And the idea of selling non-earnestly became cool. And obviously that's not a mistake that that's when the baby boomers started getting 18. We're seeing a lot of it now, we're seeing these cool hipsters, man ... You can't tell 18-year-olds anything. ... That's what happens. The irony happens. And it's cool to be in a not-cool place. Get it man? And so that's what the big shift was that our guys are trying to figure out." [The L.A. Times]
• January Jones said Mad Men producers admonished her for looking too thin. "I'm naturally pretty thin, so I'm trying," she said, explaining that all the women on the show are "encouraged NOT to work out. We want soft; we don't want any muscle definition. They tell us to gain weight, gain weight, gain weight, because they want a soft, voluptuous woman which they were [back then] which is beautiful, as it should be." [I'm Not Obsessed]

• Samantha Ronson reportedly returned home at 5am last night to find that Lindsay Lohan had been waiting on her stoop for hours. The paparazzi caught Linds crying, demanding to know where Sam had been, and shrieking, "I'm your girlfriend!"

• Lindsay had apparently been waiting with an anonymous friend who Sam kicks out saying, "She's on my property, I don't know her, I want her out." The girl leaves and Lindsay follows Sam into the house, slamming the door behind her. Video here: [TMZ]
• Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have split, reports US. "Nobody cheated," said a source. Didn't they just go to Africa together? [US]
• A car Katie Holmes was sitting in on the Australian set of Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark started sparking and burst into flames seconds after she got out due to a problem with the car battery. "Katie was very shaken by the ordeal," said a source. "She took the rest of the day off while special effects staff looked over the faults. Katie has filmed scenes since but it has made her think about her safety on set. She will be shooting the same scene at a later date." [The Daily Mail]
• "A source very, very, very, very close to Jon Gosselin" revealed exclusively to RadarOnline.com that Jon is secretly still dating both Hailey Glassman AND Kate Major." Two things: is the source "very, very, very, very close to Jon" Jon Gosselin? Also, if this is how Jon keeps a secret what's his version of a public announcement? Is he going to go door to door introducing us to his new girlfriend? [Radar Online]
• A reporter Kate Major used to intern for at Chicago Now says Kate told her she and Jon Gosselin are together but he "can't talk" right now due to his "situation," meaning his pending divorce and contract with TLC. [Chicago Now]
• Tony Romo has instructed security to keep Jessica Simpson out of his Dallas home. A sign at the entrance to his gated community reads "RED ALERT!!! TONY ROMO HAS MADE SOME CHANGES TO HIS LIST OF PEOPLE ALLOWED IN....JESSICA IS NO LONGER ON THE LIST AND NOT APPROVED FOR ACCESS." [Us]
• Here's some good news: Rihanna's rep says that though she and Chris Brown stayed at the same hotel over the weekend, it was just a coincidence and they're not back together. Maybe she can explain that concept to Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart fans too. [MSNBC]
• A parole hearing took place today for the man who killed Kelsey Grammer's sister in 1975 in an attempted robbery. Grammer tried to attend the hearing but his flight was delayed, so he wrote a letter saying his sister was "smart and good and decent," and "I can never escape the horror of what happened" to her ... "Please do not release this man from prison." The parole board decided Karen Grammer's murderer will stay in prison for at least another five years. [TMZ]
• Kelly Clarkson's new single "Already Gone" has the same backing track as Beyonce's "Halo" and Clarkson says it's all the her music producer's fault. "No one's gonna be sittin' at home, thinking 'Man, Ryan Tedder gave Beyonce and Kelly the same track to write to ... no, they're just gonna be saying I ripped someone off," she said. [TMZ]
• The I.R.S has filed a $7,373 tax lien against P.Diddy's Atlanta restaurant Justin's Restaurant. Diddy says it's all a big mistake: the I.R.S. was sending notices to his identically named restaurant in New York that closed a few years ago. [The Detroit News]
• Tito Jackson has confirmed that Michael Jackson's body is at Forest Lawn cemetery. [Entertainment Tonight]
• Debbie Rowe just showed up at the Beverly Hills office of her former boss Dr. Arnold Klein, supposedly to visit another doctor who works in Klein's office. [TMZ]
• Fans at a Jonas Brothers concert this weekend concluded that Joe Jonas broke up with Camilla Belle after he changed the lyrics to a few songs and appeared to cry during the song "Camp Rock." [The Mirror, Perez Hilton]
• Now Camilla Belle's rep has confirmed the breakup explaining, "There is no third party involved and they care deeply about each other and will remain friends." [People]
• BREAKING: Victoria Beckham went to dinner with her hair in a bun. [The Telegraph]
• Sacha Baron Cohen has been threatened by the group of Palestinian terrorists featured in Bruno. A representative for The Martyrs Brigades released a statement saying they are "very upset" and will "respond in a suitable way." [The Telegraph]
• Lost creators Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof dropped some spoilers about season six at Comic Con, which you can read about here: [N.Y. Magazine]
• We're learning more fascinating details about Jennifer Lopez's 40th birthday party on Saturday night. Liza Minnelli, Gayle King, and various Lopez family members were in attendance, and a witness says J.Lo and Marc Anthony "were affectionate with each other and obviously loving the night. Marc's arm was around Jennifer a lot, they'd give each other pecks on the face every now and then. She was clearly pleased with how the night went." [People]
• Entertainment Tonight just figured out that Mischa Barton has been released from psychiatric evaluation (even though Us reported it last week.) [Entertainment Tonight]
• Joel Madden says he's working on a memoir about his experience with kids, relationship, and moving to L.A., "but I don't want to put a book out there if it's not actually meaningful. I'm not going to go there unless I can deliver." [People]
• Robert Downey Jr. will star opposite Zach Galifianakis in Due Date, a comedy about an expectant father (Downey) trying to get to the birth of his first child. Director Todd Philips of The Hangover describes it as "a buddy comedy without the buddies." [Yahoo]
• Robert Downey Jr. said he thinks he and Jude Law have a special chemistry in Sherlock Homes, joking, "It's called circumstantial homosexuality." He added that even in real life, "We just became really close really quickly, because we just rolled up our sleeves and started working from jump." [People]
• Tobey Maguire wrote a letter to Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senator Tom Harkin saying, "As a parent, I am contacting you because I am deeply concerned that unhealthy school lunches are contributing to our nation's childhood obesity epidemic. My wife and I just had our second child, so this issue is tremendously important to us…Let me ask you please to ensure the Child Nutrition Act provides more fruits, vegetables, and healthy vegetarian foods. Young people deserve healthful food, and I can't imagine a better investment in the future of our country." [Politico]
• "I haven't chosen any other action films since Kill Bill because I felt that everything else just sort of paled by comparison. I don't like to get lulled into some hole that I can't get out of." — Uma Thurman [The Daily Express]
• Megan Fox says she's too afraid to watch horror movies, but she enjoyed starring in Jennifer's Body because, "For me to be able to play something that I would normally be frightened by was really intriguing and interesting... It's cool to see myself being able to scare people because I'm just a little girl." [People]

• Hailey Glassman says her love affair with Jon Gosselin is filled with laughter, home cooked dinners and romantic games of ping pong, but, "If you had told me a few months ago, I wouldn't have believed you."

• Glassman explains that she developed feelings for Jon, a family friend, when he visited her parent's home to mulll over the end of his marriage. "He was so strong," Glassman says. "I admired him." When asked what she thinks he likes most about her, she said: "I'm a huge believer in not controlling someone. I'll give my opinion but tell him to do what he wants to do. He said, 'I'm just not used to having an option.' I told him life is about options." [People]
• Kendra Wilkinson says she and husband Hank Baskett have learned an important lesson from Jon And Kate Plus 8. "I feel bad for the kids. If we do have a show, none of that's going to happen...I want to be able to spend quality time with my child and not really give the world too much," says Kendra. [E!]
• Kiefer Sutherland won't be charged for headbutting Jack McCollough in May. The Manhattan D.A. rejected the case because officials decided the incident was too petty to be called criminal conduct. The L.A. City Attorney won't be charging Kiefer for violating his probation from a previous DUI conviction either. [TMZ]
• Stephen Baldwin filed for bankruptcy today. According to court documents he's millions of dollars in debt. [Yahoo]
• A fight broke out during Chace Crawford's birthday outing on Saturday night. His friends started pushing and shoving photographers to get them to stop taking pictures of him in the VIP section and Chace fled his own party to avoid getting caught in the scuffle. [The Daily Express]
• Jackson Browne has settled a lawsuit and received an apology from Senator John McCain and the Republican Party for using his song "Running On Empty" during the presidential campaign. The GOP also pledged not to use any musician's work without permission from now on. [AP]
• More people are coming forward with tales of Mischa Barton's drug use. In a lengthy tale about one drug fueled night in London last year, a source reports, "She told us that she hated Kimberley [Stewart] and Paris Hilton because they had made fun of her after her DUI arrest but that Naomi Campbell had phoned her to offer some support. After some time she went into her purse and took out a bag of marijuana - when she put her purse down I could see traces of white powder inside it... Mischa was a sweet person but she is really foolish as both her drug and alcohol consumption was very open. She didn't seem to be able to control herself and I'm not surprised that it has snow-balled and that she is now in hospital. In my opinion she is going to need a lot of help to fully recover from what I saw that night in London." [Radar Online]
• Jackass star Bam Margera says he wasn't taken to the hospital for a drug overdose, but because he was on a four day drinking binge which he blamed on marital problems. "I may get a divorce ... booze helps," he said. [TMZ]
• In a new interview Ryan O'Neal said of Farrah Fawcett, "She never closed her eyes; her eyes were open for the last three weeks of her life... She was watching us. She didn't speak much, but she watched us. And then, finally, she closed her eyes." [MSNBC]
• The rumors that Jamie Kennedy proposed to Jennifer Love Hewitt last weekend aren't true but according to Jamie, she told him "By this time next year if we're not planning something, then there's a situation." [People]
• Check out these adorable photos of Emma Thompson and her adopted son Tindyebwa Agabe. Six years ago she and her husband adopted Agabe, a former Rwandan child soldier, at the age of 16. Today he graduated from Exeter University with a degree in politics. [The Daily Mail]
• In her first interview since her break down, Susan Boyle said of her rise to stardom, "The impact, like a demolition ball. Anyone who has that kind of impact finds it really hard to get a head around it... I guess I had to get my head around it, but through the guidance of a great team, and they are very good, I was able to see that in perspective and really turn that around a little." [The Sun]
• Susan Boyle will pose for a photoshoot that will appear in the September issue of Harper's Bazaar. [The Mirror]
• Marc Anthony has become a partial owner of the Miami Dophins. "I'm a huge sports fan," he said. "These opportunities don't come around too often. It's quite an honor and a privilege to be able to sit here today saying that I'm a part-owner of an NFL team." Now he and Jennifer Lopez are looking for a home in Miami. [People]
• Kelis skipped today's scheduled court date with estranged husband Nas... because she's in labor. Nas' lawyer says he's in New York for the birth of his baby and is "rushing to the hospital to be with her." [TMZ]
• Debbie Rowe's friend Marc Schaffel says, "At the end of the day, Debbie just wants what's best for the children... Her interest is that the children are going to be taken care of." [People]
• David Duchovney and Tea Leoni are looking less and less estranged these days. They spent Father's Day together with their kids, and David took Tea to the wrap party for Californication this weekend. [People]
• Alicia Silverstone will return to Broadway to reprise her role in Time Stands Still, a play about a photojournalist (who will be played by Laura Linney) recovering from and injury in the Iraq War. [The N.Y. Times]
• Adele, Kelly Clarkson, Leona Lewis, and Miley Cyrus will headline the VH1 Divas Live concert on September 17. [Perez Hilton]
• Jennifer's Body will premiere at the Toronto Film Festival's Midnight Madness program on September 10th. [Variety]
• Harrison Ford will be the guest of honor at the France's Deauville American Film Festival in September. [Variety]
• January Jones is on the cover of Interview's August issue. She says of her Mad Men character Betty Draper, "She is cracked, which is why I love her... I come from a family of very outspoken women. I can't imagine living in a time when you couldn't express what you felt... That's why Betty does what she does. She's imploding to the point where she gets so frustrated that she does something wacky." [People]
• Katherine Heigl says her first day back on the Grey's Anatomy set wasn't that great, explaining, "It was — I'm going to keep saying this because I hope it embarrasses them - a 17-hour day, which I think is cruel and mean." She added, "It was actually kind of really great to be back. All my friends are there and at this point, they're sort of like family, but it was a little weird because [T.R. Knight]'s not there anymore." [People]
• Last week Entourage featured an outdated Knocked Up joke about how Katherine Heigl would never go out with Seth Rogen in real life. Rogen responded: "Yeah, those guys are assholes. I actually ran into Matt … Kevin Dillon in a Starbucks. And he's like 'You know, I've got to kind of apologize because apparently the guy who created our show doesn't like you so much.' And I said 'Well, I have reason to believe because I think [showrunner] Doug Ellin is a moron from all I can understand so it makes sense he doesn't like me.' And I've kind of said some disparaging things about the show. Although in our defense, [producer] Mark Wahlberg called us misogynistic in an interview, so I think they kind of started that … It's on. Luckily I never have and never plan on watching Entourage." [N.Y. Magazine]
• "It is very disheartening that there are so many older men that prey on young performers. The younger you are, the more innocent you are, the more wholesome your image is, the weirder the fans become in terms of older men wanting to corrupt little girls. Even the way the paparazzi stalk the younger artists is very different from following around adults - I find that very disturbing." — Debbie Gibson [The Daily Express]

• As mentioned yesterday, after Perez Hilton insulted Fergie, Perez and Will.I.Am had a confrontation in which Perez said:

"I don't need to respect you, and you're a fag. You're gay, and stop being such a faggot." GLAAD is not happy! A spokesperson for the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation says: "These are vulgar antigay slurs that feed a climate of hatred and intolerance toward our community. For someone in our own community to use it to attack another person by saying that it is 'The worst possible thing that thug would ever want to hear,' is incredibly dangerous. It legitimizes use of a slur that is often linked to violence against our community. And it sends a message that it is OK to attempt to dehumanize people by exploiting antigay attitudes." [E!]

• Fergie's husband Josh Duhamel on the Perez kerfluffle: "When you get rich saying hateful things sometimes you ask for it… It's an unfortunate incident and I hope it goes away." [ET Online]
• Tila Tequila has gone off on Perez Hilton. From her Twitter: "you are such a whiney bitch! quit crying ur not a star." And! "I will not be like other celebs who are afraid of him and kiss his ass! i am not afraid of Perez Hilton. He knows he can't fuck with me." Plus: "I find it ironic that Perez talks shit about people all day long. He calls people faggot yet bashes Miss California. Perez Hilton is a bitch." [ONTD]
• Oh snap: Kirstie Alley also went off, making fun of Perez by Tweeting: "Will.I.Am? You am my new hero… smack!!! Wah wah wah… ouch ouch my eye… ouch ouch ouch call 911 boo hoo ouch." [ONTD]
• John Mayer joined the Perez hate on Twitter. [Pop Dirt]
• And Kelly Clarkson says no one will pity Perez and she would give her left arm to look as pretty as Fergie does. [ONTD]
• Polo Molina, the manager of the Black Eyed Peas, is the one who hit Perez and has turned himself in. Perez says to Will.I.Am : "I'd have more respect for you if you hit me yourself - you're a coward. Violence is never the answer. Fuck you, will.i.am, for lying. Shame on you. I did not deserve what happened to me. I have lost all respect for all of you and the Black Eyed Peas. And Fergie, you're fugly." Stay classy. [Gatecrasher]
• "Jail 'Break' For Rihanna Ex: Beater Brown Gets Off Easy With Assault Plea." [NY Post]
• RIP Ed McMahon: 1923-2009. [Post Chronicle]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin announced that they are separating on last night's show. (And court documents show they have filed for divorce.) This columnist speculates that Jon will become a C-list celeb and Kate will be watched closely — people will be expecting her to cross the line or make a misstep with the kids. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "It still remains to be seen how TLC will handle the episodes of Jon & Kate shot before the divorce papers were filed - and now instantly dated. The channel has made a huge 40-episode order for the show's fifth season." [Variety]
• Cameron Diaz got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday, and Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Lucy Liu were there to celebrate with her. [People]
• Scenes from a lunch with Betty White and Cloris Leachman! It's hilarious. Cloris says of the tunic she makes for her clothing line, Clorisline: "It looks so pretty. Just tie it, put on some jewelry, go out to dinner and get drunk." Betty has quips too — just read it. [USA Today]
• Amy Winehouse wishes to become a permanent resident of St, Lucia! The weed must be really, really good. [Gatecrasher]
• Readers of Heat magazine in the UK have voted Robert Pattinson as the sexiest man on the planet. Blinded by the sparkles! [Mirror]
• BREAKING: Miley Cyrus makes money. [TMZ]
• David Beckham won "substantial" libel damages over a newspaper's claim that he "made a play" for a model. The story was printed on the front page of The Daily Star in April, and Beckham's lawyer called the allegation "serious and defamatory" and "untrue." The newspaper has retracted. [Mirror]
• OMG: A movie with Cher and Christina Aguilera? So much hair! So little wardrobe! So much attitude! [Variety]
• Even though there were reports that Anna Faris and Chris Pratt had wed in Hawaii, Anna's rep says: "it's not true." [Daily Express]
• A dude who played a gangster in Slumdog Millionaire has been accused of threatening the owner of a production company — demanding roles in films! [Times Of India]
• Lauryn Hill canceled all of her European tour dates; Wyclef Jean will stand in for her at the Montreux Jazz Festival. [Reuters]
• One of the co-executive producers of Heroes has abruptly left the show. [NY Mag]
• One of Candy Spelling's former employees claims Candy fired her for complaining about being overworked and underpaid. [TMZ]
• Katie "Jordan" Price has gotten a crude X tattooed over the tattoo of her estranged husband's name on her wrist. It looks bad. (But the pix of her gallivanting on a powerboat near Ibiza look awesome.) [Daily Mail]
• Katie "Jordan" Price has ever-so-eloquently Tweeted: "pete being a true cunt to me ! he left me nt me leave him." [The Sun, Twitter]
• The Spice Girls made a ton of cash last year, from touring. [Mirror]
• Blind item! "Which hot young bachelor has (quite disappointingly) revealed himself to be a totally awful kisser?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I was broke at the time and this was my chance to make a few bucks, so I jumped at the opportunity to record for my first time in a professional studio. The work I did back then in no way reflects the music I am currently in the studio working on. I'm thrilled to be working with some of today's hottest songwriters and producers and can't wait for people to hear what my music really sounds like." — Adam Lambert is not a fan of his song, "Want," recorded before American Idol. [NY Daily News]
• "I think crime here is shocking and knife crime is shocking and everyone must do what they can to be safe." — Kevin Spacey finds London a wee dangerous. [Telegraph]
• "I recently gave a self-esteem workshop for Girl Scouts in Nashville, and I told the girls that I wasn't a role model for my weight, because I change. Sometimes I'm thicker when I'm around my family and I'm eating more. Sometimes I'm thinner because I'm on the road and that takes a lot out of me. But I do feel it's important to talk to girls about weight. They see these images, and there's no way they'll ever live up to them. I want them to see someone who is real and know they don't have to live up to anything." — Kelly Clarkson. [Reader's Digest]
• "I have a very serious regime of starvation and stress. I have gotten meaner as I have gotten thinner. I'm like the lost Olsen triplet." — Kathy Griffin. [WWD]
• "Everybody is unique. They're both very beautiful and they're both kind of sexy gals. Maybe Megan will start doing the things that Angie is so well known for. [Angie] is obviously known for her helping with kids and concern for others. I think that would be wonderful for all of the kids [if Megan were to do the same]. Megan can do a lot of good, so that would be great." — Jon Voight, on the similarities between his daughter Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox. And yes, he said his daughter was sexy. [Life &Style]

• James Kambewa, the father of Mercy James, the Malawian girl who's being adopted by Madonna, says he will no longer fight the adoption: "My only plea to Madonna is that she should seriously look after the child," he says. [Reuters]

• Kambewa originally opposed the adoption, but now says that he simply wants "Madonna to make sure that, while the child is growing, she must be informed of me as her biological father ... she really must know that while she is far away the father is still alive." [Reuters]
• Jennifer Aniston made fun of herself at the Crystal and Lucy Awards (and surely set herself up for a million more unnecessary tabloid stories) by joking about how the titles of her movies often match up with her love life: "I have a strange parallel with movies I was doing and my life off screen. First, it was The Good Girl...which evolved into Rumor Has It, followed by Derailed. Then there was The Breakup, followed by the lighter side, Friends With Money. If anyone has a movie called Everlasting Love With an Adult Stable Man, that would be great! I'm at table six, and my agents are at table 12." [USWeekly]
• Yikes: is G.I. Joe so bad that the director has been fired? [ONTD]
• Tallulah Belle Willis, daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, has started working as an intern at Harper's Bazaar.[FashionWeekDaily]
• An estimated 400 people showed up to David Carradine's funeral to bid the actor farewell, including Tom Selleck, Lucy Liu, and Jane Seymour.[People]
• Susan Boyle is set to sing a duet with her idol, Elaine Paige. "Susan and Elaine are set to record Memory together as a duet single," says a source, "From what I gather, Elaine's people were in the audience at the Birmingham show and loved what they saw. They were apparently straight on the phone to Elaine after Susan's performance and she was delighted at the thought of their performing together." [DailyExpress]
• Aubrey O'Day is being defended by the co-founders of NOH8, who say that the singer did not act like a diva while on the set for their latest ad campaign, despite reports to the contrary. [USWeekly]
• Sienna Miller claims that Jude Law doesn't like it when she talks about him: "It's dangerous to bring this up," she says, "I talked about him in an interview not long ago, saying that I still love him, and he was like, ‘Please stop talking about it.'"[ShowbizSpy]
• The Red Shoes has been fully restored, much to the delight of Martin Scorsese: "It expresses so much about the burning need for art, and I identified with that feeling the first time I saw the picture with my father, he says, "I was so young then. It put me in contact with something in myself, a driving emotion I saw in the characters up there on the screen and in the colour, the rhythm, the sense of beauty."[DailyExpress]
• Lily Allen is "vulnerable after her relationships failed," says a source, "She is especially concerned about going on her tour without a boyfriend there for her backstage. She needs a man to take care of her, and to give her attention. Without that, she fears she'll go off the rails." [ShowbizSpy]
• Prince Harry's girlfriend, Caroline Flack, apparently has a history of all-night benders, dates with Russell Brand, hot-tub adventures with Jack Osbourne, and flings with Noel Fielding. I think we are supposed to be scandalized by this, but I keep picturing the Queen's face while reading this stuff and I can't stop laughing. [NewsoftheWorld]
• Blind Item:This A list actress who used to be the highest paid actress in Hollywood donated her entire paycheck from a recent movie to four different charities. It was the largest donation any of the four charities had ever received.[BlindGossip]
• "I think everybody's a fan of Pink. Her voice is the best of our generation. Her lyrics are so vulnerable. She's so open about her whole life. People love that."-Kelly Clarkson on Pink[NYTimes]
• "I doubt it very much. Unless he's interested in guesting with one of the bands I'm in. I don't think that's going to happen really for some reason."- Johnny Marr on being on stage with Morrissey.[BBC]
• Simon Cowell "emerged from Stringfellows (a lapdancing club) smeared in bright red lippy" during a night out with Ryan Seacrest. This is pretty much the stuff that Joel McHale's dreams and nightmares are made of, no? [Mirror]

• Miley Cyrus, America's favorite daughter of a once-mulleted country singer, has—gasp!—pierced her nose. Shock me shock me shock me with that actually pretty typical and normal for a sixteen year old behavior! [People]

• "I'll let people think what they will," Miley says about her new piercing. "I hope no one is upset at me for doing it. I think it's lame for it to be such a big deal because ... it's just temporary. You can take it out." [USWeekly]
• Who could have put such rebellious thoughts into young Hannah Montana's brain? "I am a huge Kelly Clarkson fan," Cyrus says, "And I loved when she had her nose pierced." So our first American Idol has inspired our latest teen idol to put a tiny stud in her nose? You know what that means, people. End of civilization. Will someone please think of the children?!?![USWeekly]
• And speaking of teen pop sensations, here's a video of the New Kids On The Block hangin' tough with their fans at a Waffle House. [TMZ]
• Uh, Happy 10th Anniversary, Jon and Kate Gosselin? Woo? Congrats? And many more? [People]
• "I was arrested - what is the big deal? I haven't gotten as much as a traffic ticket in all these years."- Danielle Staub of the Real Housewives Of New Jersey on her scandalous past. [People]
• Travis McCoy is denying tabloid reports that he was seen leaving a club with two "buxom beauties" by his side and that his relationship with Katy Perry is in trouble as a result: "I was not familiar with that story," McCoy says, "It sounds really out of character." [DailyExpress]
• Meanwhile, Katy Perry's bus was vandalized by a would-be robber who was caught in the act. Katy didn't seem to upset by it, as she posted on her Twitter page: "some1 just broke into our bus, they got caught. Luckily all there is is glitter, catsuit outfits, fruit & a box set of Ab Fab. Sux fer them." Hello?! Someone tried to steal your AbFab box set! If you're not upset by that then you seriously don't deserve to own it, sweetie darling. [PerezHilton]
• Drea de Matteo became engaged to her longtime boyfriend, Shooter Jennings, during one of Shooter's recent concerts. According to a source, "[Drea] was dancing on the side of the stage holding [the couple's 18-month-old daughter] Alabama when [Shooter] called her on stage. She was so surprised by the proposal." [People]
• Chace Crawford reportedly auditioned shirtless to win the lead role in the upcoming remake of Footloose: "He took off his shirt, he was in his T-shirt and jeans, and hit it. And that's the kind of man I wanted for this role," says director Kenny Ortega. At least he got to keep his Sunday shoes on, I guess? [MTV]
• Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, and Sheryl Crow spent last night supporting a good cause: a night devoted to "Stamp Out Violence Against Women and Girls of the Congo." Says Cox: "We can do something about this. I want to bring awareness to this." [People]
• Shania Twain has checked in with fans after taking some time off to deal with her divorce, which took place one year ago. "I'm enjoying my child, friends and family like I haven't in years, and it's great," Twain says, "I've been experiencing and seeing new things every day, living life with a different and more optimistic attitude." Also? She's still not impressed much by your car or the fact that you're Brad Pitt. [People]
• Usher is still expected to file for divorce from his wife, Tameka Foster Raymond, but sources say that Foster Raymond is still committed to the relationship: "She's been in his life for so long. She's very loyal to him. Tameka is the type of woman to stick it out." [People]
• Joy Behar says she wants to book Sarah Palin on The Joy Behar Show: "She would do very well with me, because I'm not out to get Sarah Palin," Behar says, "I want to hear from her, she has things to say." [HuffingtonPost]
• Whoops! A tabloid mistakenly (shock) reported that Kristen Chenoweth had rekindled an old romance with Lane Garrison by writing the former Prison Break star prison pen pal letters. Not true, says Chenoweth's rep: "Kristin Chenoweth and Lane Garrison have not rekindled a relationship, nor was there any pen pal correspondence throughout his incarceration." [People]
• Is Prince William finally going to marry Kate Middleton? A source says yes: "He has to. Been seeing her too long not to. It would be another embarrassment for the Palace." [NYPost]
• Samantha Ronson won't be doing a reality show anytime soon, according to her Twitter: "Why are people asking me if I'm doing a reality tv show? That's the most absurd rumour ever. I'd rather stick needles in my eyes." [Samantha Ronson's Twitter]
• Meanwhile, Trent Reznor has had it with your crap and is quitting Twitter "because at the end of the day it's now doing more harm than good in the bigger picture and the experiment seems to have yielded a result. Idiots rule." [NYObserver]
• Ashanti is ready to take on her role as Dorothy in the upcoming Broadway revival of The Wiz, and says her bond with her cast mates makes things easier: "Everyone is gelling really well, we're laughing and joking and it just feels really good. Because it's like teamwork: Everyone wants everyone to do well, and they're fully supportive. Any questions that I have they're like, `I got you!'"[Yahoo]
• Nia Vardalos and John Corbett, who starred in My Big Fat Greek Wedding together, are teaming up once again to star in a film titled (sigh) I Hate Valentine's Day. [People]
• Stephen Baldwin's foreclosed home is set to be auctioned off. [Yahoo]
• Is Lauren Conrad engaged to boyfriend Kyle Howard? Star magazine says yes. [NYDN]
• But wait! "A source close to Lauren's camp" says that the engagement rumor is "100% false." [Hollyscoop]
• Bret Michaels is still talking about his Tonys mishap, and says he was "bummed that I did not get to attend the after parties, cuz rumor has it Anne Hathaway was going to be there and she is hot." Oh yeah right. Like Princess Mia would be caught dead on the Rock of Love Bus. She doesn't want to rock your world, Bret. And don't even try to hitch a Rock Of Love Plane to Genovia. Queen Clarisse won't allow it. Your tour ends here, buddy. [PerezHilton]

• Looks like Lindsay Lohan's stalking paid off: Her new Twitter message says:

"Leaving London but with my favorite favorite!!!" Then she was photographed at the airport with… Samantha Ronson. And another Tweet from LL reads: "Great news to share!! Maybe .... ;)" [People, The Sun]

• Lindsay and Sam were seen holding hands while walking into the first class lounge. [Daily Mail]
• Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are finito, which means Megan will have to get that tattoo removed. And! Megan may have hooked up with sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson, after which he blew her off. Dramz! [E!]
• Madonna may be able to adopt Mercy after all?!?! A source says: "The paperwork is being typed up now." [Mirror]
• A "friend" of Madonna's says: "She made a promise that she wouldn't give up on Mercy and, believe me, she could move mountains when she's this determined." [Telegraph]
• By the by, someone has paid more than £15,000 for that lovely Peter Howson painting of naked Madonna and thuggish-looking Guy Ritchie. [The Star]
• Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy: Definitely engaged. [Page Six]
• Hold on to your panties, here are ten life-changing words: Simon Cowell remake of Saturday Night Fever starring Zac Efron. [Telegraph]
• What is Chris Brown afraid of? He's been seen "surrounded by bodyguards" at all times lately — as many as five. [Page Six]
• Miley Cyrus had to say goodbye to her main man, Justin Gaston, because she's heading off to Georgia to film a Nicholas Sparks movie. A post on the 16-year-old's Twitter read: "'my heart is in two... and its all because of you.' a song i am starting to write :)" As for 20-year-old Justin, his Twitter says: "Haven't been this miserable in a looong time." Remember, kids: Absence makes the heart go wander! [Us Magazine]
• What a difference a day makes! Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt now claim that the reports of torture are "false and inaccurate." One thing is for sure: These people know how to get their names in the paper every damn day. [People]
• Oh, God: When the show is over, Heidi Montag will launch a dry-shampoo line. [JustJared]
• A Yankee insider bitches: "First we dealt with all the Madonna mayhem, now we're on to Kate [Hudson]. It's distracting." [MSNBC Sccop]
• Kate Hudson and A-Rod left a club separately so no one would think they'd been together. [Page Six]
• Today in "crazy cat lady" news: Susan Boyle will take her beloved kitty Pebbles with her on tour. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Ugh, if you're interested in this, it's here: David Carradine's ex-wife reveals his "shocking" sex secrets — tying himself up, drowning himself and tattoos and piercings. [Radar Online]
• Kelly Bensimon is off the hook regarding that assault case in which she allegedly hit ex-boyfriend Nicolas Stefanov in the face: the case was dismissed when Stefanov didn't show up to court. [E!]
• More Real Housewife gossip: Countess LuAnn de Lesseps was seen making out wit h a guy in his 20s; Kelly Bensimon was seen nuzzling with Gerard Butler. [Gatecrasher]
• After getting hit by scenery on stage at the Tonys, Bret Michaels suffered a fractured nose and had to have three stitches in his lip. [Gatecrasher]
• Congrats to Gossip Girl's Kelly Rutherford, who gave birth to a baby girl last night. [Radar Online]
• Olympic gymnast and Dancing With the Stars champ Shawn Johnson is mulling an offer to star in a film for kids. [E!]
• David Letterman: About to sign a deal to continue hosting the Late Show for 3 more years. [Reuters]
• On the movie Nine: "'It was an amazing experience,' says Fergie, who plays a prostitute. 'It was all about the character, not about me, so I could gain weight and not be self-conscious about it.'" [USA Today]
• Prince Harry is supposedly dating TV presenter Caroline Flack, and she supposedly calls him by the codeword "Jam," because he's got jam-coloured hair and he's sweet." [The Sun]
• Gossip and rumors from the set of the Robin Hood movie: Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott are "squabbling," ; Crowe had to go on a crash diet to lose 35 lbs because a producer said "We can't have Robin Hood looking more like Friar Tuck" ; they're totally not singing that oo-de-lally song. Boo. [Page Six]
• Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas will leave their home on Bermuda to work on projects: He's starring in a movie about Liberace (?!?!) as well as the Wall Street sequel. [Telegraph]
• Last week, Nadya Suleman bashed Kate Gosselin; this week, she feels bad about it. "I kind of self-reflected on why I did that, and I felt really guilty," Suleman says. "I was annoyed. I was fed up. I was probably misplacing my frustration about all of this invasive media crap onto her." Or: You missed the attention. Just a thought! [MSNBC]
• Canceled NBC show My Name Is Earl might live on — with new episodes on TBS, the network which airs its repeats. [Reuters]
• Househunting in London: Sacha Baron Cohen. [The Sun]
• A hearing date has been set for Howard K. Stern — to determine if he must stand trial for illegally supplying Anna Nicole Smith with prescription drugs. Things begin in August. [Reuters]
• Twilight author Stephenie Meyer has ditched her MySpace account. "It was a lot of fun while it lasted," she wrote on her official website. "With MySpace no longer in existence, I can now clearly state that...there is no other outlet where I communicate with people online," Meyer continued. "I do not have a Facebook page, and I have never had one. I don't do Twitter. So if you're communicating with someone online that you think is me, it's not." [E!]
• Additional Twilight news: Disney star Selena Gomez and hunky native werewolf Taylor Launter: Splitsville. [UPI]
• TV chef Gordon Ramsay called Aussie TV journalist Tracy Grimshaw a pig and a lesbian; she's calling him an "arrogant narcissist." It's a mess. [News.com.au]
• Gordon Ramsay says the insults he made were "blown out of context." [Mirror]
• Kelly Clarkson says she sympathizes with Susan Boyle: "She's from a small town, I'm from a smaller town. You have to focus on the people that are really positive around you. It takes time." [The Sun]
• Liam Neeson is in talks to play Hannibal in the big-screen adaptation of A-team. Bradley Cooper might play Faceman. No word on Mr. T's involvement, but I pity the fool who thinks he can replace him. [Variety]
• Bryce Dallas Howard has written a drama called The Originals, "an ensemble film about a group of twentysomethings who reconvene for a weekend in New York after learning that the teacher who shaped their childhoods has fallen into a mysterious coma." [The Hollywood Reporter]
• The wife of baseball player Barry Bonds has filed for legal separation. [TMZ]
• Phil Spector's wife says he is being treated "worse than an animal" in jail. It's not supposed to be enjoyable… [NME]
• Uh, what? "Children as young as five were 'confused and worried' after teachers played them a recording of Elton John's 'Your Song' in an effort to explain homosexuality." [Mirror]
• A silver menorah which once belonged to Sammy Davis Jr. failed to sell for $9,000 at auction. The Candy Man can't generate cash? [NY Times]
• Blind item! "Which dreamy-eyed actor is embarrassed to admit he's hooking up with a hard-partying starlet?" [Gatecrasher]
• "They wouldn't have my character back on the show. My character was born out of the '90s. It's a different era now." — Andrew Shue won't be on the new Melrose Place. [Gatecrasher]
• "I think I'm either naive or insane to play her - maybe a little bit of both!" — Anne Hathaway on playing Judy Garland on Broadway. [Gatecrasher]
• "Kids are not to be used as weapons. Deadbeat moms that sleep all day, seeking money, attention like 2 do so. Just hurts the kids in the end. Giving birth 2 a child doesn't make u a good mom. Taking care of them, loving them, waking up with them, spending time with them does." — Travis Barker's been Twittering not-so-subtle hints about his feelings towards Shanna Moakler. [Perez]
• "She would have a plan on arrival anywhere and would be carving the best out of life and every situation and every person. She wasn't as much a passenger as I am, which made us great companions in life... because every driver needs a passenger and every passenger needs a driver. So it's a big loss in my life." — Uma Thurman on Natasha Richardson, to Harper's Bazaar UK. [Daily Express]
• "Everybody's making it like there's all this tension, you know, like I stepped away from the band and now they're jealous of me, and look, maybe there is a little bit of that. But some fights aren't really what they seem." — Gwen Stefani on reuniting with No Doubt. [Mirror]
• "It's one thing when you have an infant. But when you have this three-year-old going, 'Mommy, what's the deal?' it's harder. Kingston's whole thing is, 'I need, I need.' He is insane right now. We're just hoping for the best and that he's not going to turn out to be a freak, but we'll see." — Gwen Stefani, on being a working mom. [Mirror]
• "Gwyneth is one of the most intelligent people I know. So motivating her to do something is not the issue. Learning to dance and get that lung capacity and endurance was the hardest part for her. She (complained) about the cardio. To this day, if she at all has had filming days, she'll always do it, but it's like, 'Ugh, we have to do the cardio.'" — trainer Tracy Anderson. [USA Today]
• "I have always carried around in my mind, that he would ultimately be seen as a heroic figure. But I'm maybe kidding myself." — Michael Emerson, aka Ben Linus on Lost. [Mirror]
• "Yes, she's never played a mother and she's playing a mother of three in this movie but that didn't scare me. I knew she was up for it. I'm more proud of her performance in the film than I am proud of things in my life." — Nick Cassavetes on Cameron Diaz in My Sister's Keeper. [Daily Express]
• "Lately, I've been in meetings regarding a new script idea I have. A studio executive asked me to change the female lead to a male, because... 'women don't go to movies.' Really? When I pointed out the box office successes of Sex and The City, Mamma Mia, and Obsessed, he called them 'flukes.' He said 'don't quote me on this.' So, I'm telling everybody." — Nia Vardalos. [HuffPo]
• ''People see me and they're like, 'Oh, you're so much prettier in real life!' And I'm like, 'Well, thanks.' It's definitely narrowed the opportunities, which is a bummer because... I want a job! I didn't enter this biz because I thought I was a supermodel. I entered because I liked finding out what makes people laugh.'' — Rachel Dratch, who doesn't exactly deny the rumor that she was supposed to be on 30 Rock, but the network wanted ''hotter'' actress Jane Krakowski instead. [EW]
• It's hard to believe you're still on the D-list. "I have proof although I'm flattered at the suggestion that I could even be a C-minus. Recently, I was on tour and they delivered me a sandwich and it said Taffy Griffin. Now, I'd like to think that's maybe what they thought my stripper name was, but no. My name was on the marquee. Sold-out show. Taffy Griffin. I'm on the D-list where I belong… What is tough for me as a D-list celebrity is that kind of puts Speidi and me in the same category and that hurts. That's a bitter pill for me to swallow." — Kathy Griffin. [AP]
• "I don't have to defend myself. What can you do against something that is totally different from what you really think? It was hard to live with that, because I'm not the person described in that ridiculous story. I was not happy that this story could hurt people. But I felt sorry for those French journalists-that was the thing. I felt sorry for journalism, in general. We live in a world where there is so much information, but what I said was taken out of context. It's so common for someone who gives interviews to say that, but a cliché becomes a cliché because it's true. Some of it was funny: the part where I thought that man didn't walk on the moon? Man, please! It's so ridiculous… I talked about being fascinated by Internet conspiracies, because they are fascinating. And I asked a question like that: 'Did man walk on the moon?' Because the conspiracies are out there, not because it's a question I believed." — Marion Cotillard, on the statements she made about September 11. [BlackBook]

[London, June 8. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• Lindsay Lohan had a "meltdown" in a club in London, which involved saying:

"I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged." Then Lindsay tried to curl up in a ball on the floor. According to this report. [Mirror]

• Brad and Angie to wed??? Apparently someone sent Angelina Jolie all the press clippings about her "relationship problems," so she has decided that she and Brad should get married and put an end to the stories. A rumor about a Brangelina wedding circulates pretty much once a year, so perhaps we were overdue. [Mirror]
• BREAKING: Mariah Carey has been "stuffing her face" while making her album. "She has put on about 15 pounds, but she loves the curves," says a "source." [Page Six]
• Uh-oh: Pete Doherty was arrested in Switzerland after being found "slumped" in the bathroom of a British Airways flight with a needle. [Sunday Mail]
• The Slumdog kids danced to the movie's hit song, "Jai Ho," in a Hong Kong shopping mall on Saturday to raise money for charity. According to this report, "They sang off-key but drew an enthusiastic response." [Hindustan Times]
• Heidi and Spencer were "tortured" on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, by being held in a dark room with only water, rice and beans. Heidi was rushed to the hospital with what was diagnosed as a gastric ulcer; she has been released. If all of this is part of the Speidi attention machine, it's certainly impressive. [TMZ]
• Spencer claims he was locked up for 3 days with no food or water; producers say it was 8-10 hours max, with food and water. [TMZ]
• This report says Heidi and Spencer were in the Lost Chamber for 14 hours. [MSNBC Scoop]
• The production company behind I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here says that "All allegations of the celebrities being deprived of food and water are completely untrue." [Perez]
• Susan Boyle has signed with Ossie Kilkenny, the manager who made u2 millions. [Mirror]
• Chelsy Davy "can't wait" to see Prince Harry at a party this week. or something, This picture, in which Prince Harry's hand seems to be about to grab Prince Harry's crotch, is distracting. [Daily Mail]
• Even though Christina Ricci has called off her engagement, she and her ex-fiancé, Owen Benjamin, went to the movies Saturday night. [TMZ]
• It's hard to even understand how this is a news item, but here it is: Dancing With The Stars' Cheryl Burke has dropped some "excess" pounds and is "enjoying her new figure." [UPI]
• Brooke Shields and the National Enquirer have reached a settlement over the May incident in which two reporters checked Brooke's mom out of a nursing home to get a story. Also: The mag has agreed to make a generous donation to further research on dementia. [UPI]
• Kirsten Dunst: Returning to the Spider-Man franchise for flick number four. Will there be a Spidey wedding? [E!]
• Will Alec Baldwin, Sarah Jessica Parker, Matthew Broderick and Tommy Mottola all move into the same gorgeous NYC building? [NY Times]
• Cameron Diaz says her costars on My Sister's Keeper helped her deal with the sudden death of her father: "I was really, really fortunate to have these people to come back to." [People]
• The family of David Carradine is asking the FBI to investigate the actor's death. [Us Magazine, People]
• Want details from David Carradine's death? Click away. [TMZ]
• Kate Hudson's mom, Goldie Hawn, is allegedly worried about Kate dating Alex Rodriguez. A source says: "Kate's had a string of boyfriends since her divorce from Chris Robinson and it's always the same pattern – she falls hard and fast, then gets bored or has her heart broken. Goldie hates the idea of seeing Kate getting hurt again." [Daily Mail]
• Katie "Jordan" Price is "drinking heavily, taking sleeping pills and barely eating" since splitting with husband Peter Andre. [Telegraph]
• This report shows Katie "Jordan" Price very calmly shopping with her kids. [Daily Mail]
• Baby-wipes enthusiast Terrence Howard stopped six lanes of traffic in Beverly Hills to save the life of a baby bird. [Page Six]
• Another day, another Kylie Minogue wedding rumor. This time, her man gave her a rose, so, clearly they are getting hitched. [Daily Mail]
• Will Michael Jackson try and turn his London mansion into the new Neverland? [The Sun]
• Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway, who were husband and wife in Brokeback Mountain, may reunite in a flick called Love and Other Drugs, an adaptation of Jamie Reidy's nonfiction book Hard Sell: The Evolution of a Viagra Salesman. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• What, what? A film adaptation of Eat, Pray, Love? With Julia Roberts and Javier Bardem? Oookay. [Variety]
• "In a PawNation poll, 70 percent of animal lovers voted Jennifer Aniston as the celeb they would trust to pet sit their furry friend." Mickey Rourke came in second. [E!]
• Patrick Dempsey has a dream, and it involves having a nice bus so he can bring his kids racing with him. [People]
• Composer Benny Andersson of ABBA has contributed one million kronor ($128,000) to the Swedish feminist initiative. [Independent Political Report]
• "She divides her time between California and Colorado, and in both places she lives 'off the grid,' with her own sources of water and power. Her homes are powered by solar panels, her toilets are compost, her cars run on leftover grease from fast-food restaurants […] She wears recycled necklaces made of boiled-down shotgun casings. She has more than 20 animals - horses, alpacas, chickens, dogs, cows - all of which are rescues…" — from a profile on Daryl Hannah. [Guardian]
• In this interview with Harry Shearer, he talks being part of Spinal Tap and The Simpsons. [LA Times]
• James Caan and Scott Caan play father and son in a new film called Mercy. [LA Times]
• Check out a portrait of Sandra Bernhard by Timothy Greenfield-Sanders (and some information about the relationship between the photographer and the comedian) here. [HuffPo]
• Ooky, spooky, kooky: Bebe Neuwirth is working on a play based on The Addams Family. Snap, snap. [Gatecrasher]
• "There is nothing more humiliating for a stutterer than to have their word or sentence finished for them. I didn't have names for these fears." — from "How I Found My Voice," an essay by Carly Simon. [The Daily Beast]
• Evan Dando of the Lemonheads is suing General Motors, saying the company copied one of his songs for an ad. Dude, have you heard? They don't have any money! You're suing the bankrupt. [AP]
• Jon Voight is suing investors who sued him. [TMZ]
• The woman who inspired the Beatles song "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" is seriously ill. [Newser]
• Blind item! "Which once prominent magazine writer/TV interviewer now appears in elegant homes wearing men's clothes and a fedora? Sighed one jaded observer, 'These days, becoming a lesbian is a career move.'" [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which sexy leading man, known for his wandering eye, recently hooked up with a pouty songstress? The raven-haired rocker is a big change from his usual choice of supermodels." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which actor is on hiatus due to a drug relapse? He claimed he needed time off because of the heartbreak of his public split, but he's actually headed to rehab." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which heartthrob actor nearly cried bloody murder when he couldn't get into a private lounge?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I don't know him. I've never really seen him in interviews either. [But] yeah, he's cute. I'm a huge fan of the Twilight series." — Kelly Clarkson hearts Robert Pattinson! And she wrote a song, "Empty As I Am," inspired by the characters, which might make it on to the New Moon soundtrack. [Mirror]
• "I have people coming up to me all the time on the street and saying, 'My daughter's gay; thank you for this.' People send me e-mails like, 'My mother was going to take away my cellphone (and this and that) because I told her I was gay. She saw the movie and now she says she loves me.' It's a very powerful response. I get a lot of questions from people saying, when is it going to go to Ireland, to India…That gives me hope, that it's such a powerful story, being the truth, that it will transcend these other cultures and get Mary's message across." — Sigourney Weaver, on playing Mary Griffith, who attempted to save her gay son's soul by religious means before his suicide. [LA Times]
• "It's a mix of curiosity, fascination, respect and bewilderment. Twitter freaks me out. You have followers? It feels so obsessive and proprietary. It has great applications, and it's effective, I get it. But 'I did something, I did something else, I'm at it again.' Why? I'm still getting over YouTube, people. These breakthroughs are coming at such velocity that before you get your sea legs, there's another wave hitting you." — Mos Def. [USA Today]
• "I think she's much more raw in the third season. You see everything that's happening to her, so you see her more open and vulnerable, though she's being deceptive. You see her really desperate, which is a different side to her. I've been playing the character for so long now it comes naturally. [That allows me] to be more confident, take more risks, go bigger. In my film work, I'm scared to go too big — it's projected on the big screen and what not — but on Big Love, I feel I have a lot more freedom." — Chloe Sevigny on playing Nicolette "Nicki" Grant. [LA Times]
• "When I was a child my parents threatened to send me to a convent. I've often wondered how that would have worked out. I'd have made a terrible nun. I'm a good Catholic girl in the way that Madonna is. In the sense that I'm not that good at all. If the church is having a hard time recruiting nuns, I'd make an ideal poster girl. 'Become a nun or else end up like her!'" — Heather Graham. [Daily Mail]
• "I am who I am-a regular guy with a great job. How I'm analyzed belongs to someone else. In a few minutes, I've got a kid's game to go to, and then I'm taking our daughter to auditions. Today, that's my job." — Denzel Washington. [Reader's Digest]
• "The problem with Harry Potter is that there is so little controversy. It would be so great for the press if one of them would go off the rails and end up in rehab, but they are, actually, just really sweet guys." — Jason Isaacs, who plays Lucius Malfoy. [Telegraph]
• "The moment that changed me for ever ... was becoming a vegetarian aged 17; my whole life changed. I spent a lot of time hanging out in the woods near my house and felt a connection to the birds and trees." — Chrissie Hynde. [Independent]
• "I really wish I could play, but I don't at all." — Princess Beatrice, on polo. [Telegraph]
• "I never said (I wasn't returning). I just said that I'm not sure. It's called, um, 'negotiating.'" — Paula Abdul on whether she'll return to American Idol. [UPI]
• "When people talk about reincarnation, I always feel that if there is such a thing, this is definitely my first time, because I'm always amazed. I'm both amazed at how horrifically we can treat each other and all other living things, and also amazed at the wonder and the beauty. I'm like: 'Oh my God, look at that bird!' or 'Look at that flower!' literally every single day. I can't get over how people are putting so much energy and so many resources into going to Mars when everything we could ever dream of is on this planet, if we just take care of it. What do they have on Mars? They don't even have oxygen up there!" — Daryl Hannah. [Guardian]
• "I can never get close. My No. 1 job is always, always, always stand-up. It has to be a no-holds-barred attitude. Let me give you an example. I met Drew Barrymore a couple times. I went to a party at her house. And she said, 'You know, you should come to one of my small dinner parties, we hate the same people.' But if I'm sitting next to Courtney Love and she falls over, I can't not put it in the act. I'm responsible to my audience the way most people feel responsible to their Lord Jesus." — Kathy Griffin. [LA Times]
• "I learned that when you yell, nobody hears you. The best communicators have to live and present themselves in a peaceful manner. And that's going to be a lifelong quest of mine. I don't have a temper. I've never broken everything. I've never thrown a thing. But I have passion. If I feel passionate, you're going to know." — Rosie O'Donnell. [CBS News]
• "It depends where you are in the world. It's not brilliant here in Britain compared to, for example, Scandinavia – maternity leave and everything is different and they're much more clued in to what parents and children need. We still have quite a lot of Victorian principles hanging on, you can see it and feel it." — Emma Thompson, on Britain not being helpful to working mothers. [Daily Express]
• "I'm taking a year off. That's my birthday present to myself. I'm not going to act, write or anything like that. I'll be a mum, teach drama at my daughter's school, I'll cook meals and have fun, go out with my friends, I'll go to movies and not think about working. I'll see what bubbles up after that." — Emma Thompson. [Mirror]
• "I was insane to go on the Spice tour three months after having [my son]Beau. I wouldn't put myself through it again. At the time I was very self conscious about it all. It was awful. I remember being on stage and going numb and thinking everyone was looking at my body and that it wasn't perfect and I was next to the other girls […] Can you believe [Mel B] does 600 [sit ups a day]? That's nuts. Twenty sit ups and I'm done." — Emma Bunton, aka Baby Spice. [Mirror]
• "I'm convinced he plays for the other team. I even had my gay friends assess the situation" — Bethenny Frankel, joking about her boyfriend, Jason Hoppy. [Page Six]
• "I think what Drew and I found was a connection very similar to the connection between the characters. We adored each other; we played off each other. I can't imagine doing it with anybody else. It's two parts of a whole, really." — Jessica Lange, on Grey Gardens. [LA Times]
• "I'm an awkward kid from Long Island who had a dream about going to New York and becoming an actress. That's who I still am in my core… I fell into this phenomenon. Huge. Huge. This doesn't happen to most people. I'm lucky in that the way I look has never gotten me anything." — Edie Falco. [UPI]
• "I haven't done any exercise since October. I haven't done a thing. So who knows how I'm holding it together." — Kate Winslet. [Daily Mail]