Not surprisingly, Janeane mercilessly mocked Rush and his call for the comelier sex, alleging that the single, syndicated radio host is not on the hunt for fellow (female) ideologues or to discover why women hate him so much but looking simply for sex and companionship. Which, of course, begs the question: If you were a woman trying to get Mr. Limbaugh's loving attention in a "cattle call", how exactly would you audition? Your best guesses, in the comments.

Related: Janeane Garofalo on Rush Limbaugh's Sex Appeal [MediaBistro]
Rush Limbaugh Wants To Know Why Women Hate Him [Feministe]
Limbaugh To Convene A ‘Female Summit' To Figure Out Why Women Hate Him [Think Progress]

• Joaquin Phoenix's rap career: An elaborate hoax? Sort of.

More of an "art project," in which he's pretending to have a meltdown and change careers. While bro-in-law Casey Affleck films it all. [EW]

• Amy Winehouse. Topless. Playing Scrabble. [The Sun]
• Oh no: Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, is making robocalls for Scientology. Using Bart Simpson's voice, and saying, "Hey, this is Bart Simpson — Just kidding!" This is bad news bears. [Perez]
• Gary Oldman has a simple explanation for how he came to accept Heath Ledger's SAG award: "We went for a wonderful meal with [Heath's] family in New York, we got on very well. [Later] they called and said, 'Would I pick it up for [Heath] if he won?'" [Mirror]
• Did Kate Winslet "blow her chance" to win an Oscar by forgetting Angelina Jolie at the Golden Globes? [Telegraph]
• The parents of two kids in Slumdog Millionaire claim the movie may be making millions, but they continue to live in "grinding poverty." One father says: "I am very happy the movie is doing so well, but it is making so much money and so much fame and the money they paid us is nothing." [Telegraph]
• More Slumdog issues: A social activist in Mumbai has filed a complaint in a local court against director Danny Boyle, saying the film's title is damaging and discriminating. The guy has also named some stray dogs after the Danny Boyle and the stars of the film. He explains: "When the British ruled India, they called Indians 'dogs'. Why do we want to call these poor children 'dogs' 60 years after we got independence?" [Yahoo News via Reuters]
• Jessica Simpson's workout 2005 video was squashed by Big Daddy Joe Simpson, but if you follow this link you'll find a clip from the tape and audio from Jessica's business manager, in which he calls Jess a bitch and Joe an asshole. [Defamer]
• Guy Ritchie's dad, John, is pretty damn pleased his son is not with Madonna anymore. He tells In Touch: "The worst thing would be if they reconciled" and he's happy Madge has "lots of boyfriends" since it means she'll leave Guy alone. He also says: "There are no big arguments between them. All they discuss is the children." [Perez]
• Will Paris Hilton hit on Prince Harry now that he's single? "I think he's a nice guy, I love Chelsy though - I think she's so sweet - so I wouldn't try anything." [Telegraph]
• Why did Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy break up? Maybe time and distance pulled them apart. Maybe the relationship had "run its course." [People]
• Wait a minute: Kate Middleton is allergic to horses? Does polo-playing Prince William know? Does the Queen know? [Daily Mail]
• Whoa: Kelly Rowland has fired manager Matthew Knowles, who's always been like a dad to her. Was she sick of playing second banana to Beyoncé? [Bossip]
• Michael Jackson has serious, serious problems, including massive debt and, um, the Thriller musical. [Fox 411]
• Salma Hayek and Harvey Weinstein threw a Hollywood Hills bash to honor Penelope Cruz's Oscar nod, and everyone was there: Scarlett Johansson and hubby Ryan Reynolds, Ashton Kutcher and wife Demi Moore, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, Antonio Banderas and wife Melanie Griffith, Charlize Theron and partner Stuart Townsend, and Angela Bassett and hubby Courtney B. Vance. Oh, and Colin Farrell. And Prince. ScarJo has dark hair now. [Gatecrasher]
• Catherine Zeta-Jones has homegrown kitchen beauty secrets: Honey and salt to exfoliate; beer shampoo; apple or strawberry for toothpaste. [Daily Mail]
• Apparently, when Jessica Alba called Bill O'Reilly "kind of an a-hole," he shot back and called her a pinhead for telling a reporter to "Be Sweden about it," assuming she meant Switzerland. Alba blogged on her MySpace: "Last week, Mr. Bill O'Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country. I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously people... it's so sad to me that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland." Turns out Sweden was neutral and Alba was right. And O'Reilly is an a-hole. [MSNBC]
• Who comes from royalty? Whose family owned slaves? Sarah Jessica Parker and Susan Sarandon will star in NBC's genealogy reality series Who Do You Think You Are? Lisa Kudrow is executive producing the show, which explores celeb ancestral histories. [Reuters via Hollywood Reporter]
• The ladies pictured with Russell Brand yesterday have spoken to the press. "Russell took his clothes off as soon as we got through his front door. He was definitely wanting a threesome — and he thought he was going to get one," says the one who was wearing a blue onesie and white stilettos for the night. The women left because they "had a photoshoot." Russell gave the paper a different version of events: "Those women were at Brand Towers as they assured me they were qualified engineers and could fix my washing machine. I only took my clothes off 'cos I wanted to bung a load in. The washing machine is still broke but my clothes are remarkably unstained." [Daily Mail]
• Keith Olbermann, Tyra Banks, Suze Orman, Gus Van Sant, k.d. lang, Ellen DeGeneres and Rachel Maddow: All nominated for GLAAD awards. [Page Six]
• NYC socialite Olivia Palermo wants to be a serious actress. That's why she is on The City, a "reality" show. [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which married Oscar winner was caught pants- down in a club closet, getting naughty with a tranny? The waitress who walked in on the pair was so stunned, she dropped her drink tray." [Gatecrasher]
• Hotel mogul and Las Vegas billionaire Steve Wynn has split with his wife Elaine. [Page Six]
• Private Practice/Grey's Anatomy crossover alert! Kate Walsh, Audra McDonald and Taye Diggs will be on the February 12 episode of Grey's. [UPI]
• Kylie Minogue has recorded a song with kiddie band The Wiggles, because she has a 2-year-old nephew she wants to impress. "Now Charles really will think I’m cool," she says. "I hope he likes the song. It was fun to do. I might even grab a shirt and go on tour with the boys. I’m not sure what colour I will be." [The Sun]
• Debbie Matenopoulos's ex-husband claims she "pays for nothing" related to their multimillion-dollar Los Angeles home. He's demanding that she help pay the mortgage, agree to refinance, or move out and sell the home. He also admits that they both "continuously lived beyond our means during our marriage." Messy business! [People]
• Paul McCartney's publicist on the Paul McCartney wedding rumor: "No truth to it." [Yahoo News via E!]
• 50 Cent's manager is among the many who lost money via Bernie Madoff. How much? "Nothing to talk about. It's not life-threatening." [Page Six]
• Lauren Hutton was seen yelling at her help. [Page Six]
• Gene Simmons has signed on with Universal Music Canada and created his own record label, Simmons records. He writes: If you’re reading this and you’re in a Canadian band (only!!!)….and you believe you’re the next Elvis or Beatles (don’t we all…)…go to SIMMONSRECORDS.COM and we will tell you how YOU can submit your electronic demo. This is serious.” Well okay then. [Rolling Stone]
• Noel Gallagher says Oasis saved him from a life of crime: "There’s one less criminal in Burnage because I picked up the guitar. There’s one less shoplifter in Manchester." [The Sun]
• Michael Crichton left money to tons of people in his will. [TMZ]
• Isla Fisher has joined the cast of Rango, a Gore Verbinski-directed animated flick about a pet who goes on an adventure; Johnny Depp is the lead voice and Abigal Breslin has also been cast. [Variety]
• Chic people like Liz Goldwyn, Emmanuelle Seigner and Lou Doillon were at the Givenchy show in Paris, and you were not. [WWD]
• What do we think about Solange covering a Coldplay song? [Concrete Loop]
• This was bound to happen: Kanye West has changed his name. You may now call him Martin ‘Louis’ The King Jr., because he has his own Louis Vuitton shoes now. [Pop Crunch]
• "Love and light is mentioned a lot on the album. Parts of it are dark and edgy. It could be because I’ve been through a dark place. I am a man who needs love. Every man needs love, guys like romance. I do anyway." — Paul McCartney on his latest album, and maybe that "dark place" is the soul of Heather Mills. [The Sun]
• "That sweat is real and there is a lot of it. I said, 'Listen, we're going to show me exactly as I am and I'm going to sweat. Just towel me up.' Luckily, I had good waterproof makeup on and my hair stayed looking kind of cute. But that's the real deal. I'm sweating like a pig." — Lisa Rinna on her workout DVD. [Parade]
• "For five seasons I was stuck doing this character. It was kind of hard always having to play that character when it's not who I am… I just say jokes but people think I'm serious which I think is funny and I think I kind of play up to the image sometimes because - whatever - it's entertainment." — Paris Hilton. [Mirror]
• "My typical morning these days would be to get up at 6:30am, make breakfast, get Beatrice up, get her dressed and watch some TV. I don't have a nanny I do all the regular stuff myself. I take her to school, talk to all the mums, talk to the teacher then pick her up from school. I love every second of it and I'm not exhausted at all. People say, I'm up at 6:30am, what is going on? But I genuinely love it. It's a thrill bringing up a young kid, it's such an education. I am a different dad now but it's good." — Paul McCartney, 66, on life with a five-year-old. [Telegraph]
• I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News. All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard. Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend? I seriously doubt it. How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure? Now can we focus on the things that really matter." — Ashlee Simpson. [ONTD via MySpace]

In Ziegler’s new documentary How Obama Got Elected, clips of which just went up online, the "Mama Grizzly" bitches and moans about everything from her disastrous interview with Katie Couric to Tina Fey’s portrayal of her on SNL. Palin believes that she is still subject to unfair press coverage, and asks “Is it political? Is it sexism? What is it that drives someone to believe the worst and perpetuate the worst in terms of gossip and lies?” (Speaking of lies, let us count them, shall we?)

Palin also says that Tina Fey and Katie Couric have been “exploiting” her and “capitalizing” on her fame. According to Palin, she realized that the interviews with Couric weren’t going so well half-way through and wanted to back out, but the mean old McCain campaign made her do it anyway (which seems to be her excuse for everything these days). She completely glosses over her own lack of preparation, blaming the campaign for making her look like an idiot, when really, she was the only wise one: “it was told to me that, yeah, we are going to go back for more. And going back for more was not a wise decision either.” Also, she uses the age-old excuse familiar to anyone who watches reality TV (editing!), saying CBS “spliced it together,” and that “many of the topics brought up were not portrayed as accurately as they could have, should have, been.”

Palin claims that she never saw the final interview, and when asked why she couldn’t answer Katie’s question “What newspapers do you read?” she responds: “Because, Katie, you’re not the center of everybody’s universe.” She says her answer was “flippant” (right) and that “I read newspapers! I read publications!... That’s my job.”

Palin goes on to blame even the (air quotes) mainstream media in Alaska for unfair treatment of her. She trumpets her status as a reformer, but blames the media for being too fickle and turning on her “the minute that is, that I have done something, that is, you know, back to the conservative roots… that’s when even the mainstream media in Alaska, they turn on ya. There’s so much hypocrisy in it all.” But, see, if only she had run on the Democratic ticket, then things would have been better: “Had I been chosen perhaps to run as a reformer on the Democrat ticket, we would have seen an absolutely different, and I think, if you will, a much prettier profile of Sarah Palin and the Palin family.”

Palin: Media Goes Easy On Kennedy [Politico]
Palin On Olbermann: 'THAT Guy Is EVIL' [Think Progress]

Related: The Twelve Lies Of Sarah Palin [Andrew Sullivan]

ANA MARIE: Good morning!

MEGAN: It does appear to be morning, but I am not going to make any promises about its "goodness" until I, like you, have gotten some caffeine in my system. Also, please type less loudly. Oh, wait, that's me.

ANA MARIE: Fun Jezebel meet up, huh?

MEGAN: Yes, but I was driving so drinking was minimized and then I got home and was like, hey, glass before bed! And it was a big glass. A really, really big glass.

ANA MARIE: That'll do it. Whereas the highlight of my evening was A RAHM SIGHTING.

MEGAN: In tights?

ANA MARIE: Sadly no. But he was with one of his equally brilliant brother, ZEKE, who arrived in the restaurant still wearing his lanyard nametag. Very dorky-cute. They had just been at this.

MEGAN: Oh, man, a conventioneer?

ANA MARIE: A very important powerful conventioneer:

"When it gets rough out there, a lot of business leaders get out of the car and say, 'We're OK with minor reform.' I'm challenging you today, we're going to have to do big, serious things," Rahm Emanuel said, speaking to The Wall Street Journal's CEO Council, a conference convened to elicit corporate opinion on the challenges facing the new president.

MEGAN: Also, I love how a CEO's top concern is card check. Fucking U.S. Chamber of Commerce. Like, hello, new Great Depression but you care whether Obama will veto card check? Hint, hint, dickwad, he won't.

ANA MARIE: (WSJ reports on Rahm's presence, this is how I know Zeke was there. ) This threw me a bit:

"The American people in two successive elections have voted for change, and change cannot be allowed to die on the doorsteps of Washington," Mr. Emanuel said.

Until i remembered that he counts 2006 as an election.

MEGAN: Ooh, Zeke works at NIH? And 2006 was Rahm's big victory, of course he thinks about it that way! But can we talk about the softer side of Rahm? :

According to notes taken by leadership aides, Mr. Emanuel choked up when he told the colleagues his decision to leave the Hill and join the Obama administration was "not an easy decision for me."

ANA MARIE: Eh, just because someone has a filthy mouth doesn't mean the waterworks are broken. You and I should know!

MEGAN: I don't cry, I just have something in my contact lens. Even when I'm wearing my glasses.

ANA MARIE: So are you stone hearted or just not much of a crier? And I think that is a great segue to Hillary! Are you tired of talking about her yet? Will doing it again actually bring you to tears?

MEGAN: No, that is exactly how I deal with stuff when I "have something in my eye!" Segue! The whole situation in which she's saying she might not want it really makes me wonder what Clinton was doing jetting around in Air Fuck One.

ANA MARIE: The name says it all. Given all the rumors and speculation floating around, I think I trust Ambinder's take on the situation (Hillary's, not Bill's... or rather, not THAT Bill situation).

MEGAN: Okay, best line in the piece:

On the other hand, it is conceivable that President Obama would hand Sen. Clinton a ticket with the words "Middle East Peace" printed on it, and say: "Go," giving Clinton the flexibility and transitive authority to secure her place in history.

That would be nice.

ANA MARIE: On the other hand, there's this:

She would be Secretary of State in an administration dominated by other foreign policy heavyweights. She will wonder where Joe Biden fits in to all of this; the two senators are collegial and competitive. There is some angst with Joe Biden's circle of confidants about Clinton's serving as Secretary of State. It is not clear whether Biden himself shares the angst.

MEGAN: If Joe Biden wanted to be SecState, he should not have accepted the VP slot.

ANA MARIE: I suspect Biden thought that VP would be like SecStatePLUS.

MEGAN: Welcome to the Greater Depression, Joe Biden, when you get to have a domestic policy function. But if Ambinder is right and the whole thing is collegial and proceeding apace, why all the leaks that she's not gonna do it?

ANA MARIE: Because you can be collegial about vetting and still not be sure you're gonna do it. And we still don't know what the vetting has turned up.

MEGAN: Well, and that's what I meant about what was going on on Air Fuck One. Is it the 'stans? The investments? The foreign donors at the library?

ANA MARIE: Well if everyone is being all discreet as they say, we may never know — Hillary's ambivalence could be a cover for making a graceful exit after they find out that Bill was banging a Pakastani tranny. Or accepting money from a Pakastani warlord. Which is maybe more likely.

MEGAN: Yeah, because I think transvestites are more of an Afghani thing. I have listened to a lot of people talk about homosexuality in Afghanistan over the last year. I'm starting to think people want to do more than fuck OBL up (i.e., down, sideways, back and forth, etc.).

ANA MARIE: Everyone needs a hobby

MEGAN: Especially Ted Stevens now.

ANA MARIE: I understand he makes gigantic fish sculptures in his spare time. Presumably they will become truly gargantuan now. Do you continue to live in Alaska if you don't have to? That's my question.

MEGAN: Mike Gravel says: no. His wife says, aw hell no.

ANA MARIE: I'm not sure if Gravel is the best source on the subject of sane behavior.

MEGAN: Well, what politician from Alaska is?

ANA MARIE: I hope the new guy!

MEGAN: Good luck with that. Begich winning does mean that if they can pull it out in Minnesota (decent odds) and then Georgia (unlikely), the Dems will have their filibuster-proof majority if Lieberman doesn't shank them again. Which he will, 'cause he's Lieberman and now has no fear.

ANA MARIE: Yeah, that is what it means! And I think Lieberman is probably more of a pussy than you think.

MEGAN: I'm sure he's less of a pussy than Harry Reid, but that ain't saying much.

ANA MARIE: Harry Reid, the boxing pussy.

MEGAN: Some dudes do think pussy is a competitive sport.

ANA MARIE: And that boxing is as well. Did you see Bill Kristol is "ambivalent" about keeping his New York Times column?

MEGAN: Man, what a copycat. He sees Hillary playing the expectation-management game and then hops on board? Yeah, Bill, everyone knows you're going to be out on your ass when the contract's up, you should've been ambivalent in, like, January.

ANA MARIE: Or more ambivalent about Sarah Palin! His ambivalence is widely misplaced

MEGAN: A lot of things about Bill Kristol are misplaced. Like any rational thought.

ANA MARIE: In an interview with the New York Observer, he says he's actually only met Palin twice. Which could explain a lot!

MEGAN: Oh, right, like he couldn't have fallen in political love in two meetings? That hair, those eyes, her lips, those thighs and drill, baby, drill? He probably had stronger tingles in his leg for her than Chris Matthews did for Obama.

ANA MARIE: I'm sure Chris Matthews would disagree. Oh, and speaking of Chris Matthews: BEST SENATE RACE OF 2010. Unless, you know, Keith Olbermann takes his competitive streak to New Jersey

MEGAN: Oh, God, that will be so amazing. Has Specter even confirmed he's running yet? Could it be an open seat? Can I be THAT lucky?

ANA MARIE: I totally made up that KO thing, btw. Like, that isn't even a rumor, people. I want to spell that out because I think that it was just such a remark that might give us Sen. Franken.

MEGAN: Yeah, unless Olbermann decides to take on Corzine in the primary for the gubernatorial race, he can't run for Senate for a while yet. That said, can you imagine the smear campaign? The heart races.

ANA MARIE: Every campaign ad would be a SPECIAL COMMENT, with lots of chair spinning.

MEGAN: Hey, remember how al Qaeda endorsed McCain and all the conservatives were like, it's psychological warfare! They really are endorsing Obama? Well, no, it turns out, they really were into McCain. Oh, and Ayman al-Zawahri thinks Obama is a race traitor and a — I swear — "house negro." He's also pissed that Obama has "abandoned his Muslim faith."

ANA MARIE: al-Zawahri reads too many right wing blogs.

MEGAN: Good morning, sunshine! Ready for another day of this?

KAY: You know it.

MEGAN: Well, first let us discuss the definitive proof that Olbermann is not in the bag for Obama: he named him the 3rd worst person in the world yesterday for forgetting how long he'd been married to Michelle. I'm going to guess he'd better have come home with more than a box of Russell Stovers.

KAY: Actually, I'm usually the one that forgets birthdays and anniversaries, so it makes me feel better that Obama does too. (See that Sarah Palin? Obama can get in touch with Real America, too.) Of course, Obama probably has a few more things on his mind than I do.

MEGAN: I'll admit, I suck at birthdays. Ask anyone. If my phone doesn't go off to remind me that there is a birthday, then I'm up shit creek. On the other hand, he remembered the anniversary, just not how long they'd been married. Anyway, I mostly just thought it was funny, being as it was coupled with Hannity trying to spin Dick Morris that McCain won last Friday and Karl Rove insisting that Palin was "over prepared" for her interview — given that one of the two gaffes that CBS is not airing is her sitting in utter silence when asked to name a Supreme Court case other than Roe v. Wade. You'd think little Ms. Second Amendment could pull Heller out of her ass, let alone Hamden since her running mate crapped on the Supreme Court for that one despite his supposed anti-torture stand. Hey, how about Brown v. Board of Education? Plessy v. Ferguson? Griswold? Bueller?

KAY: Yeah, I think my favorite part of that was this quote:

There was no verbal fumbling with this particular question as there was with some others, the aide said, but rather silence.

Don't worry, though, she's pretty much requested a do over with Katie Couric.

MEGAN: OMG, did you see it last night?

It was terrible! Terrible! Like, it was like she brought her dad with her to the principal's office and when the questioning got too tough, she let him defend her in a complete bullshit way. My parents were dumbstruck at her stupidity. At one point my mom — who, notably, is not political — said "Why won't he let her talk?" And my dad just sat there and shook his head in awe at the spectacle.

KAY: I know. No wonder the McCain campaign kept her under wraps for so long. I mean, Biden is known for gaffes too, so maybe tomorrow night will be a gaffe-off.

MEGAN: Well, I think before then we'll see plenty of opportunities for the McCain camp to roll out their new talking points, which is that this is all "gotcha" journalism, so that they can attack Gwen Ifill for the questions she asks and the commentators fact-checking at the end and try to mitigate the disaster for Palin they obviously expect it to be. Obama's camp isn't going around trying to convince anyone that The Big Bad Media is out to get Biden.

KAY: So true. The McCain camp is doing some mad lowering expectations lately. I do like, though, how Biden's strategy for Thursday is to pretty much let her screw up on her own and not call attention to it. Because you know Big Bad Media will have that taken care of. Maybe "gotcha" journalism wouldn't be a factor here if there weren't any mistakes to catch.

MEGAN: Ha! Like that's even possible for there not to be mistakes to catch? I was catching some just listening last week, so it's not hard. It just apparently takes The Big Bad Media 4 days to do the same if it's something complex and important like taxes. That said, I actually don't think that the McCain camp is trying to lower expectations because can people's expectations of Sarah Palin get any lower really? What they're attempting to do is redefine the outlines of the game, to make any mention of her gaffes off-limits, to make questioning her on foreign policy off-limits. They're trying to use public pressure to reign in the supposedly free press so that she can do whatever and they won't fact check or call her on it out of some kind of fear. That's sort of the brilliance, from the media's perspective, of having Katie Couric and Gwen Ifill be the meanies, because at least then the McCain camp can't call sexism.

KAY: So true. Although I've definitely met some pretty sexist women in my day. But the weird thing is that Couric is not known for being an unusually tough interviewer. Quite the opposite, in fact, and that's why so many people thought her transition to evening news was so weird. But in the end, it was her, not the media stalwarts, who came across looking tougher.

MEGAN: Well, I don't know that she came across looking tougher, because when ever she got tough, she always cocked her head, slowed down and spoke in an extremely sensitive tone of voice as she was grilling Palin. She only actually seemed annoyed when McCain accused her of gotcha journalism. It was very Barbara Walters of her.

KAY: So does this mean Couric will get a spot on The View later?

I mean, I know we can be sort of mean. First there was mean old "Charleee", asking you about the Bush Doctrine as though you were supposed to know that it was the single largest repudiation of post-nuclear American foreign policy and basically said we'd nuke whomever we felt like, fuck-you-very-much. And then that meanie CBS reporter snuck in a question about the major economic bailout the government had just undertaken and you felt like you had to answer it even though you hadn't yet been told what talking points to parrot yet, it was so off-putting. But, then Sean Hannity rolled over and let you scratch his belly and a little behind his ears, so I thought we were cool now.

Well, and, yes, I know that Keith Olbermann is being a total dick to you, what with donating $100 to charity of every lie that you tell, like it's your fault or something that the campaign staff won't revise the speeches you're giving to take the lies out, but he's not on the road following your campaign. And I'm sure Andrew Sullivan's list of the 12 different lies you've told had to sting, but he's just a blogger and that's not like a real reporter or producer who's going to be standing in a room with you and the President of Afghanistan for less than a minute.

So, it's good that you relented and let that CNN producer witness you talking with Karzai about his son for a whole 40 seconds earlier today. That'll totally show people you're not scared of the press and that you know how to have substantive discussions of U.S. foreign policy with important world leaders, Bush Doctrine questions be damned! I mean, it was really important that the photographer and the TV crew get footage of you talking and having serious conversations with him and Colombian President Uribe even if the entire press corps were utter dicks about insisting that their coverage of you be more than pictures of you looking Vice Presidential! And it was really well done that you got Karzai's handlers to pretend to be the ones objecting to anyone doing anything other than taking pictures — that was a master-stroke, as was your staff's insistence that it was all just one big misunderstanding when they explicitly said that no one that writes anything for a living would be allowed in the room. The press will totally buy that!

Anyway, so, like, buck up, girl! We're really not that bad! You can totally talk to reporters. You hunt moose! You shoot at wolves from airplanes! What's the worst you can do, really? I mean, John McCain's already out threatening Spain and trying to fire people he can't fire and shit. What are you going to do, start a war with Russia? Oh, yeah, right. Well, just stick to talking about your family and how you didn't really want the Bridge to Nowhere and how mean everyone is to you. That's cool. I'm sure you can work that into the answer to just about any question you're asked when you finally let someone ask you a question.

Yours,
Megan

Palin Press Relationship Gets Testy [Politico]
Palin Says She's Ready To Step In As President [Breitbart]
The Palin Protection Continues [Politico]
Sarah Palin On Bush Doctrine: Homina, Homina, Homina [TPM Election Central]
Palin “Disappointed” In “Understandable” AIG Bailout [CBS News]
Excerpts from Palin’s Hannity Interview — Part I [Time]
Olbermann Gives $100 To Charity For Every Palin Lie, $3700 This Week Alone [Huffington Post]
The Twelve Lies Of Sarah Palin [Andrew Sullivan]
Palin Bars, Then Admits Reporters To Meetings [MSNBC]
Palin In The City [NY Times]
McCain Will Not Commit To Meeting Spanish PM [AFP]
McCain Says He Would Fire SEC Chairman [AP]
Palin Hawkish on Russia [Politico]
Did Palin Really Fight The “Bridge To Nowhere”? [The New Republic]
Palin Accuses 'Obama/Biden Democrats' Of Attacking Her Family, But Campaign Can't Name One [Huffington Post]

MEGAN: So Jason, another typical day in the world except for the harbingers of the financial apocalypse and all.

JASON: Oh but yes. And welcome to the party, AIG! Pull up a chair. Dig that crazy Friday. It's an unmitigated mess.

MEGAN: Ah, yes, AIG, which keeps telling me over the television that I should choose them for car insurance over Geico. Hmmm, maybe next week...

JASON: Not to worry, of course. Our brave politicians will save us, with platitudes:

"The challenges facing our financial system today are more evidence that too many folks in Washington and on Wall Street weren't minding the store," Obama said in a statement. "Eight years of policies that have shredded consumer protections, loosened oversight and regulation, and encouraged outsized bonuses to CEOs while ignoring middle-class Americans have brought us to the most serious financial crisis since the Great Depression."

MEGAN: Oh, but, at least it's not John McCain's fault or anything.

"I certainly don't fault Sen. McCain for these problems," Obama said, "but I do fault the economic philosophy he subscribes to."

JASON: Right! And then the next graf is about "sleazy ads." Keep watching the shiny object, America. On the upside of course, is that sleazy political ads are at least an economic growth sector.

MEGAN: Hilariously, actually, I was watching Murder She Wrote last night on the Hallmark Channel and every commercial break was a McCain-Palin ad. For 3 full hours, yo. Old people for McCain-Palin!

JASON: But these are tremendous losses that are being socialized. And what's coming next are the auto manufacturers, looking for their bailout. Of course, THEY DIDN'T SEE ANY OF THIS COMING.

MEGAN: Oh, of course they'll get bailed out — Michigan's a swing state.

JASON: But don't worry about a thing, America! The commercial airline industry will TOTALLY KEEP ITSELF ALOFT on their new business model of luggage surcharges.

MEGAN: Also, fuck those luggage surcharges. That shit is really a pain in the ass to expense!

JASON: Word. Our reimbursement forms need a new line item, "RANDOM GOUGING."

MEGAN: Anyway, did you know McCain already has an ad up about the financial crisis? Amusingly, when it says "end special interest giveaways" (except when it involved giveaways to the lobbyists that work for the campaign), it shows a picture of the Lehman Brothers sign. You know, the organization going bankrupt instead of being bailed out? I laughed. Also, by the way, drilling will fix Merrill Lynch.

JASON: Yeah! That's hilarious the way they stuck it to Lehman! Meanwhile, his running mate thinks that Fannie and Freddie were, prior to their bailout, a "too big" burden on taxpayers. And really, McCain needs to stop using oil drilling as the centerpiece of a platter of economic solutions. Drill, baby, drill. I think we might need to start drilling ACTUAL babies, a la a Jonathan Swift solution to our crises.

MEGAN: Well, they are a big burden on taxpayers now! Before, they were privately held! But they support the bail-out. Like George Bush, they want to cut taxes but they will definitely, definitely increase spending.

Also, hilariously, I tried to write an essay for an essay contest in about 2003 that was Jonathan Swift-esque — the question was about the trade-off between freedom and security. But then every time I came up with something that seemed SO ABSURDIST that it couldn't be true, like eating babies, the Republicans went and made it policy. I finally gave up. I think they're reading my mind.

JASON: I want to point out, again, that Carly Fiorina and Franklin Raines both sit on the corporate board of Revolution Health together, and I wonder what they talk about when they are in the same room together. I like to think that they sigh with relief and joke about how no one in their right minds should take either of them seriously. Fiorina was on teevee this Sunday, armed with many a platitude, and only came off looking okay because Claire McCaskill suddenly and unexpectedly veered into the territory of OMG! JOHN MCCAIN IS TEH OLDZ!

MEGAN: Oh, Claire. Shhhh. Everyone knows he's old, but they only care when it's funny. Do you want, by the way, to talk about cronyism in the Palin administrations? Or is it so blindingly obvious that you wonder how there are still people in the world who don't know that every administration is cronyist?

Oh, wait, whoops, cyncism is democracy's biggest enemy! Never mind, rewind...

OMG JASON, Sarah Palin hired her friends when she was mayor and governor! She fired people that worked for her predecessor! I'm shocked! Horrified!

Fuck, that still sounds sarcastic, I give up.

JASON: We're still talking about Palin in America, but now the story is tied to the McCain-lies-all-the-time backlash. I'll tell you, the NY Times chronicles a cronyism that's going to remind many of the Bush years. Obviously, Brownie comes to mind. But for my money, Palin's cronyism smacks of another old master: Marion Shepilov Barry.

MEGAN: But she trusts them, and trust is so important!

JASON: Ha. Funny you should mention trust! Because the added ingredient that Palin brings to Barryism is fear. The one big takeaway from that story, for me, isn't that Palin inserted her unqualified friends in positions, hither and yon, it's that she's rooted not in a populist style of politics - which is how McCain paints her - but in a paranoid style of politics.

MEGAN: See, the only thing I remember about Marion Barry is that he's a crack-smoking whoremonger. I don't fear crack-smoking whoremongers because they're usually too busy smoking crack and paying for sex to mess with me. Oh, you mean Marion Barry made people fear other things, like rampant crime and being caught by someone other than just your wife for being a crack-smoking cheat.

JASON: She's Nixonland's Arctic Circle outpost. Cronies got advanced, loyalty tests were handed out, opponents trashed and fence-sitters squeezed.

MEGAN: Well, I mean, I am a hater. Like terrorists, I hate her freedom. Her freedom to do whatever the hell she wants in government, like solicit and spend the Bridge to Nowhere money and claim no less than 9 times that she turned it down.

JASON: In just my brief toe-dip into AK politics, I've come away with a strong impression that paranoia rules out there. Here's a true story, in fact:

Some time ago, I did a short "Bridge to Nowhere" post. In the course of selecting an image to run alongside, I accidentally grabbed the wrong bridge to nowhere (yes, it seems there were many). I got an email from someone, correcting me, pointing me to the correct image. And I ran a correction, lauding the assister by name. Not fifteen minutes later, I got another email from another Alaskan, warning me to NEVER name anyone who helps out in the course of writing anything critical of Palin. He said, "Everyone knows everyone out here. You could make things very difficult for people."

MEGAN: Oh, that's just sad.

JASON: He went on to list a handful of helpful Alaska blogs, and closed by saying, "DO NOT THANK ME! DO NOT MENTION THAT I GAVE YOU THIS INFORMATION!" I was like: "O-kay, nutlog!"

MEGAN: He then proceeded to erase every electronic mention of his very existence and drop off the grid Ted K. style to escape the clutches of Sarah Palin's minions.

JASON: Exactly. Retreated back into the tundra. Gonna live Jack London-steez.

MEGAN: WAIT! You know what that kind of paranoia reminds me of? Kathleen Willey, who thinks Hillary Clinton's minions killed her cats.

JASON: To think I associate Willey with a more innocent time!

MEGAN: Switching gears, did you know it's all our fault that John McCain is going negative?

Ours and Obama's, of course. We forced him into it! It's the only way he can get press coverage without talking to the press!

JASON: Yes. It's high time we all took responsibility for McCain going negative. It's everyone else's fault. The man has got to win news cycles, after all. Had Obama lent his "celebrity" to McCain's planned "Shambling Town Hall Meeting Tour 2008," everything would have been hunky-dory. But Obama wouldn't get with the program, so America needs to be taught a lesson.

MEGAN: And that lesson is that Barack Obama wants to bring sexytime to your kindergarteners.

JASON: Of course, this shit works, to a certain extent. If Spencer were here, and hopefully, he'll return safely, he'd probably note that ravaging the airwaves with demonstrable lies helps McCain get inside Obama's OODA Loop. "Lipstick on a Pig." I cannot believe GROWN UPS subjected us to pillar-to-post coverage of a fucking APHORISM.

MEGAN: He called her a pig! He called her a pig! LALALALALA I can't hear your logic!
(In other news, yes, I too hope Spencer gets back safely from Afghanistan.)

JASON: It's worth pointing out that at the Pundit Forum in Denver, Stephanopoulos talked about how he and his colleagues had to become "editors" as well as "reporters" because they are besieged with campaign emails on a daily basis and needed to be selective in what they ran. America should remember that it was "Lipstick On A Pig" that everyone decided they'd run with that day. Days before a trio of financial institutions went in the shitter. It took 9/11 NOSTALGIA to end that particular stupidity.

MEGAN: Wait, it's over? Has the media begun its post-mortem yet, trying to explain/apologize for going over the top and running with a fake and stupid story? Because that's the real fat lady singing.

There I go again! I just insulted Snuffleupagus's weight and gender identification!

JASON: Oh, no. That's not going to happen. But I cannot imagine working for a news organization, covering that story. I couldn't believe there wasn't SOMEBODY at, say, MSNBC, who couldn't have suggested, "You know? We could say no to this story. It's really simple. We could just not talk about this."

MEGAN: Oh, see, there you go, doing your part to not destroy democracy with too much cynicism. I won't ruin it by pointing out that the conversation went something like "OMG, Fox News is going to cover this wall-to-wall and we can't miss out on this shit-fest. Advertisers love shit shows!"
Fuck, wait, just ruined it.

JASON: Well, if advertisers love shit-shows, SURELY they'd enjoy the sight of Steve Capus being chased down the street, pelted with dogshit. Honestly, if I could incite your readership to do just that, I'd be a happy man. I'd probably be a JAILED man, but fuck it.

MEGAN: Ladies and gentlemen, start collecting canine fecal matter now!

Then there was the NPR comparison of Hillary to Glenn Close's bunny boiling psycho in Fatal Attraction and the Times mocking of Clinton's cackle. Of course, as the Times points out, Clinton's campaign had flaws that had nothing to do with her gender, and there have been many, perhaps just as many, attacks on Obama's race as there have been on Hillary's gender (see yesterday's baby mama drama).

Keith Olbermann denied that the coverage of Clinton was sexist overall. There were "individual, sexist, mistakes,” Olbermann admitted, but there was also “constant reflection and analysis at MSNBC, and I must say there was constant good faith in trying to make certain Senator Clinton was not treated unfairly.”

It's impossible to say whether or not Olbermann is right, whether the coverage of Clinton did not affect the eventual outcome of the primary. But the mere fact that Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic Party, told the Times that the media treatment of Hillary shows that the U.S. is in need of a “national discussion” on sexism shows that if nothing else, sexism has wended its way back into the American limelight.

Media and Critics Split Over Sexism in Clinton Coverage [NYT]

Earlier: No Matter What Happens, HIllary Has Helped Start A Conversation
Unfair & Unbalanced

"He wants you on because you're beautiful," Matthews said. "And because you're black." He handed Washington a business card and told her to call anytime "if you ever want to hang out with Chris Matthews."

And yet, she is ubiquitous — in ads, in "Green issue" special features about her environmentally friendly interior designer. That and she went to school with Gwyneth Paltrow. She's beautiful, and black. So are a lot of people. She's a big fucking token and that's what Chris Matthews loves about her; look, he fucking said so himself.

Chris Matthews' contract probably won't be renewed. Chris Matthews is slipping in relevance. He's been eclipsed by Keith Olbermann, dissed by his hero Tim Russert. Chris Matthews is something of a relic: yes, that's the point of the story. People are protective of relics. Tokens, too. But fuck all that noise; it's hard to think a form of relicism love wasn't behind Matthews' support for Obama the way it's hard to thing "tokenism" wasn't what people really meant when they dismissed the Obama "hype."

So yeah, anyway, I still think Kerry Washington is a lot of hype but Chris Matthews is just a distraction. Fire his ass! He can churn out those extemporaneous musings for a blog like the rest of us.

ADDENDUM: Look, let me just say I hate the tokenism, not the token. I liked Ray but Regina King acted her under the table. Sanaa Lathan acts her under the table. Taraji Henson, J-Hud, the lady who played the mom in Baby Boy, everyone who was in this movie How She Move...I'm just saying it's annoying she gets all the endorsement contracts when there's so much supergood underappreciated black actress talent out there. That is all. But she is pretty. And she supports Obama so what the fuck am I complaining about? Just that I have to run my mouth all goddamn day for you people and people are bound to misinterpret me etc. etc. I feel for ya Chris.

NYT Mag On Matthews: The Excerpts [Fishbowl DC]
The Aria Of Chris Matthews [NYT Mag]

MOE: Good morning! I can't imagine what we'll be discussing today...
The economy?

MEGAN: The EPA smog standards?
The priest that won a science prize and craps all over intelligent design?

MOE: The sad sad liquidation of Carlyle Capital?
Oooh oooh, this is fun...the merger of the Nymex and the Chicago mercantile exchange!

MEGAN: Um, that's prolly more your beat than mine.
The new $5 bill?

MOE: BUT SERIOUSLY GUYS. All anyone wants to talk about is "Kristen." Should we talk about "Kristen"?

MEGAN: Her song sucks.

But I added it to my MySpace profile anyway in case she wised up and took hers down... but apparently this is a boost for her career.

MOE: She's not a monster! That's a preemptive strike against Samantha Power! And if she takes hers down the song is gone, lady. Do you know nothing of MySpace? I was actually a little surprised by her MySpace profile. And is it just me or did I detect a note of pride in her mom's voice when she told the Times her daughter "can handle someone like the governor." I mean, lady, I'd say that's some rose-colored glasses but okay. It was also a little absurd that the Times called her lyrics out for their dated slang. Um, for the record, Serge Kovaleski, "boo" remains a term of endearment in youth culture circles! Athough I guess it is used more ironically, and mostly by white people now, but isn't that splitting hairs kinda?

MEGAN: Also, her brother said she's the best sister ever. I'm guessing he's not the one who abused her. Also, um, she can "handle" someone like the governor? Lady, she "handled" him alright. She also presumably sucked him, possibly teabagged him, allowed him to insert his penis into one if not two other orifices and either had or faked one/more orgasms, then took his money as payment for services rendered.
Like, seriously, this whole whore-fucking thing skeeves me out.
Like, what is wrong with men sometimes?

s

MOE: We'll never really know. I mean, I guess Newsweek and the Washington Post are sort of on the case, but as the Post story points out, you never hear from these guys about their infidelities. Why they did it. What they weren't thinking.

MOE: Except that there's something primal, hormonal, blah blah blah. I dunno. I mean, I get urges to cheat when I'm in long term relationships, they're just usually overwhelmed by my desire to not hurt the loved one in question. But maybe that's a measure of empathy the men don't get born with, I dunno. I have no idea why this scandal, in particular, seems to encapsulate something dark and hopeless about the state of gender relations. I mean, it's not like he fucked hookers every single night. $80,000 does not exactly go a long way someplace like the Emperor's Club. You could blow it all in a few days. In fact, that was probably part of the thrill. Like with gambling addicts. They like get off on the destructive waste of it. Or something. And they are always Chinese, the last people you'd expect to blow a hundred grand in one night at the craps table. You know?

MEGAN: I agree with the dark and hopeless state of gender relations part. This is like, some serious disconnect for me between men and women and it's not like I fuck for love all the time.
Like, the whole excuse that men are "paying" for it in either case? That makes me want to beat people about the head and shoulders with an umbrella.

MOE: Here's the other depressing thing about it for MOE: being a high class hooker seemed to me an appropriate job choice for someone like Kristen. She is very pretty and yearns, obviously, to be noticed, but her MySpace page shows that she doesn't really have the skills of self-promotion necessary to find quick success in all the "industries" that value self-promotion. Some were taken at unflattering angles. Some of them make her look chunkier than she really is. Her voice is unspectacular, but so is everyone's. She is no Tila Tequila.

MEGAN: That's probably true. She just looks kind of like your average pretty girl in most of those shots on MySpace, and her little "bio" piece is way too long and rambling to be an effective self-promotional tool, let alone even an effective internet dating profile.
And if she can, you know, actually respectably belt "Respect" (which, I'm sure is an untrue story) then she can probably actually sing.

MOE: Okay, new topic time. Seriously, right? There is not that much more to say, right? I'm assuming you watched Keith Olbermann's epic sermon to Hillary Clinton? It is very long. It is supposed to be ten minutes, but it will take 25 minutes to watch on any normal computer.

MEGAN: Oh, God, it Keith going to stop being cute once I watch that? Because my sister (who I was visiting) doesn't have cable to I missed everything until this morning.

MOE: I mean, you know, he takes himself just a LITTLE bit seriously.

MEGAN: But I'll watch that if you read this horrifying Paglia screed in which she calls Hillary shrill, dismissed the existence of sexism, called Hillary a "tunnel-vision middle manager" and called the Emperor's hookers "valiant."
It made me have to get out of bed to wash the taste of bile out of my mouth.

MOE: It looks like there won't be a transcript on the MSNBC website until 3 p.m. And I'll read that if you also take a look at this story on Obama and McCain, how they sort of pointlessly hate each other, etc.
We shall reconvene!

Um, for the record, this:

Never has the soppy emotionalism of old-guard feminist reasoning been on such open and embarrassing display.

MEGAN: I mean, I totally wanted to agree with her, and then she swerved and went off into Crazy Town and I was like... really? Camille? Shrill? There is no sexism anymore? Because, um, you know, I got some stories.

MOE: Oh my GOD, wait, this whole section where she expresses disappointment and dismay re Rush Libaugh...

I take the ballot very seriously, because it took women so long to win it. I am very unsettled by tactical voting — that is, using one's vote as a stratagem in what Rush describes as "gamesmanship": "It's all about winning," he has repeatedly said to callers protesting the Hillary stunt. But hasn't Rush's massive appeal always been based on his adherence to core principles rather than to narrow partisanship?

MEGAN: She's listens to Rush Limbaugh regularly! That enough was enough for me to go, wait, I though Paglia was a femi-Nazi, not a Dittohead.

MOE: Well you know she's undefinable. An iconoclast etc. No matter who you are, you're going to agree with her sometimes. But...like...Limbaugh? Principles? Is that how you stay on the radio 5 hours a day or whatever? By soberly and eloquently addressing one's core principles? It's just an absurd statement. Whatev. Blargh.
Did you watch Keith?

MEGAN: I am watching it, but I am becoming a sad panda because he is, indeed, getting less and less cute. Why does he insist on randomly emphasizing words? OMG, he's now smacking his desk!
Um, although I completely agree with every single thing he's said about Ferraro and that Clinton's strategists are, um, not good to say the least.
MOE: Yeah, and the longwindedness of it is kind of impressive.

MEGAN: The longwindedness makes me think he's sort of a Clinton supporter and is actually really offended and hates her advisers.
MOE: Well, it makes me think he is no longer a Clinton supporter.
MEGAN: OMG, maybe he's just trying to get her to fire Mark Penn? Because, really, I would vote for her if she fired Mark Penn.
MOE: Okay, so I have no idea what America is thinking about all this BUT. He did erase all her delegate gains in Texas and Ohio with Wyoming and Mississippi...wait a second, why would you vote for her if she fired him? That I just don't get. She fired Dick Morris too. SPEAKING OF WHORES. The point is, she hired them both in the first place. Whatever. No use for it anymore. I just hope he is in Pennsylvania right the fuck now. Wait, where is he right the fuck now?
MEGAN: They're all in D.C. to try out that "voting" thing they all get actually paid to do.

Oh, and as of the results of the Texas caucuses yesterday, technically Obama picked up more delegates in Texas than Hillary.
And, Dick Morris's teeth are this weird yellow-y grey now (having just watched Hillary The Movie), which makes me think he probably still sucks dirty whore toes.
MOE: Okay, JOHN MCCAIN. I have been meaning to address the issue of John McCain. Will he continue letting the media listen to his every passing thought on the campaign trail. Will he persist in hating Obama and does he actually have a reason to do so, and isn't it kind of funny how people are talking about Mitt Romney as VP when this Esquire piece makes it fairly clear McCain hates Mitt Romney. That's why they "heart Huck." I'm just burdening you with all this, by the way, because I had insomnia last night and I didn't want to read the piece about insomnia in Esquire so instead I read about George Clooney watching the 2 girls 1 cup video and John McCain hating Mitt Romney.

MEGAN: HA! Um, except for W. and Cheney, most Republicans actually seem to hate their VPs (Reagan-Bush, Bush-Quayle, whomever ran with Dole), so Mitt makes perfect sense. But McCains'a maverick, see, so I think he might actual pick someone he doesn't abhor which is not Mitt Romney. Unfortunately, it's also not a single conservative Republican that he supposedly needs to re-energize the base and he's trying to me less maverick-y to win his own voters, so Romney seems a safe bet.