If you're heading home for the holidays and are worried that your parents might be lying in wait to interrogate you about why you've chosen to die alone, they have a new weapon in their arsenal: Michael Lohan is married to Kate Major. Michael Lohan has found love. How are you worse than Michael Lohan?

Right around the moment Dakota Fanning made out with Kristen Stewart-as-Joan Jett in The Runaways, you may have realized that she's segued from her super-driven, super-child-actressy days (see: Amy Poehler's SNL sendup) to her eyeliner-skinny jeans-posing-for-Marc Jacobs-ads-going-to-Coachella period. But the Kote's…

Two mice fell into a bucket of cream. One of them panicked and drowned, but the other one kicked his little legs until he churned that cream into butter and walked out. And then Kate Major and Michael Lohan announced they were having a child, and the surviving mouse was like "What the fuck, didn't you just file a…

When a guy has been doing cocaine "all night" and then throws a remote at a woman's head, handcuffs her to a bed and "forcefully" has sex with her, that's rape, right? As far as trainwreckery goes, Kate Major — former Star magazine reporter, former girlfriend of Jon Gosselin, and current ex of Michael Lohan — really…

Michael Lohan was arrested early this morning after cops in Tampa, Florida, received a domestic violence phone call from his home. The AP reports Lohan was charged with battery on his girlfriend.

This most recent (and final) season of Celebrity Rehab went off the rails last night. Michael Lohan, father to Lindsay and patient at Casa del Rehab, blew a gasket when a tabloid website published a photo of himself kissing one of the lesser Real Housewives of New Jersey (Kim G.) When his famewhorey…

Today in Tweet Beat, Michael Lohan broke up with Kate Major (Jon Gosselin's ex) and now they're feuding on Twitter. He claims she's a prostitute, she claims he's a cokehead. Also, celebs are stoked about overturning Prop 8.

• Jessica Simpson is reportedly in negotiations to judge American Idol and has met with the producers several times. Since Jess obviously won't be filling the role of the cranky Brit, "This is part of a massive overhaul of the show."

• A source claims that the cast of Jersey Shore is sick of dealing with Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino:

• Casey Affleck is currently being sued by a woman who claims that he sexually harassed her while shooting I'm Still Here, the documentary Affleck made about his brother-in-law, Joaquin Phoenix:

• Oksana Grigorieva says she turned down Mel's $15 million because it entailed agreeing to a clause that gave him unsupervised visitation with their daughter. "I'm fighting for the life of my child," she says. [TMZ]
• She's also lawyer-shopping. [RMZ]

• Mel Gibson may have been the target of an extortion scandal by ex Oksana Grigorieva — and supposedly there is a text that proves it.

• Christina Applegate's rep has confirmed that she and her fiancé Martyn Lenoble are expecting their first child.

• Radar has released another section of the Mel Gibson tape in which Oksana Grigorieva asks him why he hit her in the face while she was holding their baby. He replies, "You fucking deserved it."

• Michael Lohan claims that Lindsay Lohan's apartment was a "mess" when he stormed in yesterday. As for Lindsay, she "looked like she was hit by a truck..." her eyes were allegedly "pale and bloodshot, and her hair was a mess."

• In her new unauthorized Oprah Winfrey tell-all, Kitty Kelly claims that Oprah's mother Vernita, "Buys $500 hats, and she has a very good life financially, but she can't reach Oprah. Oprah will not give her mother her telephone number."

• Michael Lohan won't have to introduce Lindsay Lohan to his fiancée Kate Major — Back in 2007 she was Lindsay's assistant/close friend. Kate even picked Lindsay up from rehab, but Linds dropped her when she started getting close to Michael.

• Demi Moore says she used to have "an extreme obsession" with her body. "I made it a measure of my own value." Furthermore, she explains:

• When Us asked Lindsay Lohan to comment on her father's engagement to former tabloid reporter Kate Major she said, "I'm gonna vomit! I so didn't need that info ... Yuck!" And Lindsay hadn't even heard the worst of it:

• Whitney Houston is in a Paris hospital suffering from nose and throat problems.