Miley Cyrus, twerking, in a unicorn onesie. Because this is America.

Yesterday afternoon Chris Brown wrecked his Porsche after being chased down by the rabid paparazzi on the way to a charity event, according to the Beverly Hills Police Department. Brown's PR rep (#2 most thankless job after "professional human shit shoveler") explained how it happened:

I don't totally understand this story, but that doesn't mean I don't still want to marry it. During her speech at Elle's Women in Hollywood dinner last night, Kristen Wiig took a moment to fill everyone in on the status of her troublingly reticent dumps.

In their first documented outing together since Sandersgate, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were spotted with a big group of friends in Los Feliz at a bar (somewhat hilariously) named Ye Rustic Inn. God, of course those two do the Big Group Hang, just like those 14-year-old Goth kids who stand around the entrance …

This is probably, prrrrrobably not true, but feelings-haver Taylor Swift may have made an enemy of Camelot by attempting to collect Kennedy boys like Pokémon. Apparently Tay-Tay made out with Patrick Schwarzenegger at a family event she attended with her boyfriend Conor Kennedy, and the whole clan except Conor is aware …

Kate Gosselin—a.k.a. the only woman on earth who could make Sarah Palin seem like a fucking awesome down-to-earth gal pal—has reportedly admitted to whacking her 2-year-old babies with a wooden spoon when they were noncompliant. (Fun fact: noncompliance is one of the main symptoms of being a baby!)

Today around noon, Lindsay Lohan rear-ended an 18-wheeler and totaled her Porsche on PCH (the only place to wreck your porsche, obv), and it was probably really really scary. Nobody was drunk. Lohan and her assistant were banged-up enough to visit the hospital, but word is they're doing fine. "Lindsay was driving the…

In this week's compilation of pop culture crap, Martha Stewart can't control herself around Taylor Lautner, Kathie Lee Gifford has a big mouth, and the most flamboyant wedding planner in all of Beverly Hills returns to TV.

17-year-old Justin Bieber has a five year plan and it's pretty specific.

In this week's (abbreviated holiday edition) compilation of pop culture crap, Snooki and Jeff Bridges form an unlikely friendship, Adele had second-hand embarrassment during Lady Gaga's VMA performance, and Kate Gosselin gets her dead presidents mixed up.