[Santa Monica, December 21. Image via Flynet.]

• George Clooney reportedly went on a date with Madonna after the singer split from Guy Richie, though the date was not a success, as Madonna kept making bad jokes and George "could not wait to get out of there." [ShowbizSpy]

• A source claims that Elin Nordegren is planning to divorce Tiger Woods and seek full custody of the couple's two children: "She can't believe Tiger's behaviour," says a "friend" of Nordegren, "He says he wants to save the marriage but he's not doing anything about it. He's hiding out like a child and refusing to go to rehab to get the treatment he needs. She's so mad at him, she's flipping out." [Mirror]
• Woods allegedly hid his extramarital affairs with the help of a team of sorts, including his caddy, his former manager, and his current agent, Mark Steinberg, who, according to the New York Post, "helped kill a National Enquirer story about his alleged romps with pancake-house hostess Mindy Lawson by offering Woods as a cover to sister publication Men's Fitness." [PageSix]
• Woods' friends claim that they warned him about his behavior, to no avail: ""A lot of us who love him saw this coming," says a friend, "We said, 'You've got to be careful. It's really getting too raggedy.' In his own mind, he may not have thought he was doing anything wrong. He was under a lot of pressure. He thought he was just letting off steam. He thought of it as a perk." [NYDN]
• And even Tiger's mother, Kutilda Woods, is angry with her son: ""[This] was devastating to her," says a source, "She likes [Tiger's wife] Elin [Nordegren] and adores her grandchildren. She's worried about them. She doesn't want to see them hurt." [NYPost]
• Possibly breaking the hearts of 12-year-olds across the universe, Kevin Jonas married his fiance, Danielle Deleasa at a castle on Long Island last night. [People]
• Kate Hudson "put her heartbreak behind her" by hosting a Christmas party; Kate Beckinsale, Tobey Maguire, Liv Tyler, and Fergie were all in attendance. [DailyMail]
• Meanwhile, Kate Gosselin apparently wants to put her heartbreak behind her by competing on Dancing With The Stars, even though she says she "so cannot dance." [Extra]
• "I love the [female]-empowering message that it has. If someone cheats on you or breaks up with you or does something awful or wrong to you, you [want to] sit there and cry and feel sorry for yourself and eat ice-cream and wear sweat pants and [have] your girlfriends come over. It's like no, let's not get it twisted, I'm going to put on my good shoes and my good dress and bye. You're going to watch this (slaps her backside) walk right out of the house."-Jennifer Lopez on her single, "Louboutins." [FoxNews]
• Lindsay Lohan decided to pose in a fishnet stocking bodysuit, for some reason. [NewsoftheWorld]
• Lady GaGa also posed recently, taking "futuristic" pics with famed photographer David LaChappelle. [DailyMail]
• Avatar started out strong at the box office on Friday, taking in an estimated 27 million dollars. [EW]
• Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi had an "issue" with a bathroom attendant at a club called Marquee, "because she used the hairspray and perfume and tipped the attendant 75 cents. She got offended when the attendant respectfully declined the tip," according to a source, "She's a total diva, but the other guys were very nice and had quite a few attractive girls following them around." [PageSix]
• "What I wanted to be was a musician, and play the piano in bars. I wanted to go to Nice and play on the beach in a tuxedo. I thought that was cool. It's such a romantic idea. All you have is your one tuxedo. That was my dream job growing up. I haven't written any songs for a while though."-Robert Pattinson [ShowbizSpy]
• The FBI is set to release Michael Jackson's classified files to the public on Monday; the files include information gathered during Jackson's 1994 and 2003 child molestation cases. [TMZ]
• Former Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson, who just had a baby last week, says she and her husband hope to have a big family: "We definitely want another kid right away, because we want the two kids to be close in age. We want four, but you know, we are taking it one step at a time. We're concentrating on our first child and seeing where things go from there." [OK]
• Susan Boyle's fans are pushing for the singer to record the next James Bond theme song. [DailyExpress]
• Simon Cowell is rumored to be leaving American Idol in order to host a U.S. version of The X Factor, starting in 2011. [WashingtonPost]
• "I'll play arenas. But it's about the story. What do I want my fans to say when they're 45 and talking to their daughters? I want them to say, 'I saw her four times, and before I knew it she was selling out the Garden, and every time I saw her she was ahead of her time, and she never disappointed us, and she never took too much money from us, and she always put out great music and great fashion, and I always had the time of my life.' That's what's important to me. It's not about me, it's about them!"-Lady GaGa [LATimes]
• "Sex scenes, love scenes. Yes, at this age it's unusual for somebody to do a love scene, to be making love. Yeah, that is unusual. But that is just how benighted we are. Because, you know, we still are alive. It's you and I, baby. It's authentic. The whole idea that you have to look a certain way and be a certain age to earn love is ridiculous. We love what we love. It doesn't matter what shape it is. It's thrilling to see real people on screen. The thing that broke that little barrier for me was Julie & Julia, where everyone said, "Isn't it remarkable that a tall overweight woman and a short bald man could be in love?" Well, yeah? You know what I mean? You're alive."- Meryl Streep [TimesOnline]

• Nicole Kidman to British GQ: "I've explored obsession. I've explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I've explored strange sexual fetish stuff…"

"…I've explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy." She glosses right over that sexual fetish stuff and talks about marriage: "You work on it," she says. "It's a very extraordinary, adventurous place to be: incredibly raw, incredibly dangerous and you're very much out at sea. You're exposed. You could drown. When you commit to someone like that, you live and die together by that decision." Oh! And: "I became famous very young. I became very famous because I was the wife of somebody. I did a lot of good, worthwhile work in Australia between the ages of 14 and 19 and then I married someone famous. And really, despite the huge profile that brought to me, I was still finding my feet. I know my agents at the time were like 'Do not get married! It will ruin your career!' and I was like 'But I'm in love.' All I know is that I wasn't someone interested in fame. And that's not why I got married. I wanted to work with people who intrigued me." [Daily Mail via GQ]

• Nicole Kidman may have crazy info about her 10-year marriage to Tom Cruise, but she's not talking: "I have never discussed the intricacies of it and I never will," she says. "I am not writing a book. I will go to my grave with all my secrets, all my stories." [Telegraph]
• Brad Pitt says his motorcycle crash was "a little mishap." He explains: "No injuries, except my ego. I was trying to get away from some paparazzi and instead gave them a good story. It was my favorite bike, so that is really sad." He's in Tokyo right now, and he says he will "definitely be looking at motorcycles" while there. [AP]
• Ladies and gentlemen, your Oscar hosts are Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. What say you of these choices? I like Baldwin, though I can't recall the last time I saw him — or Martin, for that matter — in a movie. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Alec Baldwin on hosting the Oscars: "I got lucky. Today's my lucky day." [NY Mag]
• Speaking of Alec Baldwin, that Lil' Wayne cake his daughter had for her birthday was not his idea. [NY Mag]
• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have requested to do press separately for New Moon. An insider says: "They want to avoid being seen together. Any time they're photographed in the same place, the rumor mill just starts all over again, and that makes the paparazzi hound them even more. They requested to do things apart so the scrutiny around them will be a little less intense." OK, which has already claimed ENGAGED!, WEDDING and SPLIT! will have to find a new angle. [Gatecrasher]
• Chris Martin's publicist says the married Coldplay frontman did not, repeat, NOT make out with Kate Bosworth, though a tabloid recently reported otherwise. [UPI]
• Nicolas Cage is suing his former money manager for $20 million but sources say Nic is a compulsive spender who bought houses, motorcycles, a jet, yachts, vintage and new cars, expensive watches, meteorites, dinosaur skulls, an enormous pet collection, massive amounts of jewelry for the women in his life, group vacations for his entire entourage, and on and on and on. "He lived like a sheik," an insider says. "Spent money like it was water." Click here for a gallery of his pricey assets. [The Daily Beast]
• Roman Polanski has re-appealed to the Swiss courts to be released from prison on bail. [NY Post]
• Why was Sean Penn's 16-year-old son arrested at school last week? Drugs. [Radar Online]
• Jon Gosselin and Hailey Glassman went to dinner on Halloween and there were people dressed up as Jon in the restaurant. Awkward! [Page Six]
• Did Jon Gosselin orchestrate Hailey Glassman's tearful confessions so they could get paid? [NY Daily News]
• Josh Duhamel says he did NOT cheat on Fergie and have a one night stand with a stripper from Atlanta. The stripper, Nicole Forrester, told an Atlanta radio station: "We did hook up and had lots of sex and we had a really, really good time." [People]
• The folks at Radar Online gave the stripper, Nicole Forrester, a polygraph test and she passed. An expert says "One of those questions was had she had sex with Josh Duhamel. And she answered yes." [Radar Online]
• Russell Brand is a changed man, thanks to Katy Perry. Or as this paper puts it, "The dinkle is dormant… except for his girlfriend." [The Sun]
• An insider says that Ashlee Simpson was kicked off of Melrose Place because "she was a total diva on set, late all the time, and deeply disliked by fellow cast members. t created a lot of discord among the cast." Oh, and "she could barely act. [Fox 411]
• Frances Bean Cobain caused a scene at an Amtrak counter. Dare we say like mother like daughter? [Page Six]
• So the reason a young boy could describe Michael Jackson's penis in the 1993 molestation case is not because he was molested but because MJ liked to pee in front of people? Makes sense, sorta, and yet: Do Not Want. [EW]
• David Hasselhoff has launched a new online series, Mitch Winehouse's Showbiz Rant. Yeah, Amy Winehouse's dad has a show. [Mirror]
• DJ AM's home in Beverly Hills is on the market, so if you'd like a four bedroom place with a lushly landscaped backyard with pool and spa — and you have $3,795,000 — act now. [Real Estalker]
• Bruce Springsteen is "quietly working" on his autobiography, which could be "the biggest rock music autobiography of all time." [NY Post]
• At the ACE awards, Lady Gaga left baby powder on Marc Jacobs' blazer. [NY Daily News]
• No one cares about Gossip Girl anymore. [NY Daily News]
• Kerry Washington is making her Broadway debut in David Mamet's play Race and says: "I had been missing theater for a long time, so I've been looking for the right play. To make a Broadway debut doing David Mamet and to originate a David Mamet role-this is the kind of shit you tell your kids about." [Village Voice]
• Kate Beckinsale's daughter will play the young version of Kate in a film; Kate says: "The producers harassed me for a long time saying 'can she audition?' and I said no because she would probably be on the set anyway, if she auditions and doesn't get it then she's going to feel horrible. Eventually she got wind of it and asked if she could and she got it fair and square." [Mirror]
• Mario Lopez and his dimples will host the Miss America pageant, which airs on TLC January 30. [AP]
• Sienna Miller is dating someone called DJ Slinky Wizard. [Page Six]
• The Glee cast can't walk in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade since it's an NBC production, so the parade is getting the next best thing: Jimmy Fallon and The Roots. Because that's who kids want to see. [MSNBC Scoop]
• At the link is one of the most distasteful things I have ever read. It's about Ryan Jenkins and a Halloween party. [TMZ]
• On the ABC soap One Life To Live, a gay character this week dumped his fiancé for another man mid-ceremony. [NY Post]
• The scene from Bruno in which LaToya Jackson is "interviewed" — and Bruno tries to get Michael Jackson's number out of her cell phone — will be included in the DVD release as an extra. [People]
• Q: What do you think when people throw the word "Oscar" around?
  A: "It makes me nervous. Because I don't know what an Oscar-winning film is. I don't know what an Oscar-winning actress is, other than the obvious examples — Halle Berry and Kate Winslet and all these people. I can't see it because it's too close to me. I haven't been in this business very long and I don't know what it looks like… If you interview me in two years and I have a couple of Oscars, I probably knocked someone out for [them]." — Precious star Gabby Sidibe. [LA Times]
• "I think we must all remember that the ultimate accessory is the condom." — Lady Gaga. [Page Six]
• "You can't read somebody's diary. You shouldn't read it. I burnt most of my journals after I remarried… You're only going to find out bad things." — Nicole Kidman. [Daily Mail via British GQ]
• "I can't keep always playing long-haired, scruffy men, otherwise my career would be limited. I was hoping one day to play Napoleon, but I can't play Napoleon as this shaggy-haired, bearded raconteur. But I did also want to play Rasputin, so that'll be good, I can look like this." — Russell Brand might cut his hair so he can get film roles. [The Star]
• "I do not believe in diets. I have been on diets in the past, and they are a bunch of bologna. This is a lifestyle change. It's not about being skinny. It's about getting in the best shape that you can be." — Tyra Banks. [Us Magazine]

Charlize Theron just auctioned off a kiss for some insane sum. This sort of vixen costume is appropriate kissing-booth wear.


Hilary Swank is drawn like a moth to the flame to Loehmann's Back-Room Dowdy.


Carey Mulligan's bird of paradise is rendered a tad unflattering by these divisive shoes.


And speaking of the avian... Shannen Doherty should really learn that 5 pounds of plumage around the waist is less than attractive.


Gabourey 'Gabby' Sidibe's gorgeous, regal gown is set off perfectly by the unexpected pop of the necklace. She must have known she was going to be front and center accepting an award!


AnnaLynne McCord has apparently been raiding Nancy Reagan's rag bag again.


Still don't know how I feel about the combination of giant shoulders and tiny hair that's all the crack. Do know that Julianne Moore looks lovely in peach.


Zachary Quinto's retro shantung is appropriately Spock-ish.


It's too bad Maria Bello's frock is so sack-like, because I am prepared to love anything sleeved and easy.


Kate Beckinsale will not let the red carpet faux-hawk die. Whatevs, it's working with this slick LBD.


Diane Kruger sports a gown that, if anyone wore it as a wedding dress, would be the cause of sadness and confusion to the future daughter who looked at the wedding albums. (Note: a black dress belonging to the groom's ex-girlfriend also has this effect on a young daughter. Not that I would know or anything.


Even by Zooey's usual cutie-pie, mod standards, this is both very cutie-pie and very mod.

[Images via Getty]

• Jay Leno went after David Letterman last night, dropping a few Letterman jokes in his opening monologue. "If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host," he told his audience, "you've got the wrong studio." [USWeekly]

• Leno then ended the monologue with "I'm happy to say that I've never had a sexual relationship with any of my staff members." [USWeekly]
• Jimmy Fallon also took a swing at Letterman: ""There's a new book out called Why Women Have Sex that says there are 237 reasons why women have sex. And, folks, Letterman knows the top 10." [USWeekly]
• CBS producer Robert Halderman, the man accused of trying to blackmail David Letterman for 2 million dollars, was reportedly deep in debt and "desperate," according to Assistant District Attorney Judy Salwen: "The evidence is compelling. It shows the defendant is desperate, and he is capable of doing anything." [AP]
• Meanwhile, Halderman's attorney says "This story is far more complicated than that two-minute statement by the assistant district attorney." [ET]
• Halderman has been released on bail, but must stay away from Letterman, due to a temporary order of protection issued by Judge Michael Melkonian. [TMZ]
• A source who used to work for Letterman says the reports of his affairs aren't surprising at all: ""It wasn't a big deal because he wasn't married. And we heard he had a girlfriend, but she never came around, so it just wasn't a big deal. He wasn't considered a sex symbol or anything. In fact, off the air, he came across a lot older than he was." [People]
• Another source claims that Letterman's behavior is typical of workplaces with intense schedules: "In politics it's the same thing. People who live it, eat it, breathe it ... [It's] not some sort of predatory, 'Let's hire beautiful women so we can feast on them' kind of thing. That's just not the way it works." [People]
• Elsewhere in lawsuit land, Nicolas Cage is being sued for 2 million dollars after missing a payment on a loan. [TMZ]
• Christina Milian and her husband, The Dream are expecting their first child. [People]
• "Yeah, I think I can appreciate that fashion exists for really skinny fucking people, you know, and I need clothing. I mean, I had a moment and it was great. I have lots of free things in the closet and, like, I don't have to wear them or sell them, and someday maybe I'll go through another crisis and fit into them again. Who knows? But at this point, I think it's time for me to, you know, embrace being 30 and not really care so much. I'm not going to lie. Of course I care. I'm a woman, you know. But I think you can still, like, be attractive, and I think maybe things get a little better."- Natasha Lyonne [NYMag]
• Kate Gosselin will appear on the Today show on Monday to discuss Jon Gosselin's latest round of shady moves. [People]
• Sarah Ferguson says she still gets along very well with her ex-husband, Prince Andrew: "Prince Andrew and I stand very firmly by the idea that, yes, people do sometimes have to move on through life and get a divorce, but not all divorces have to be acrimonious - you can actually do it for the greater good, for yourself and for your own personal growth." [DailyMail]
• Kate Beckinsale, named Esquire's "Sexiest Woman Alive," doesn't have very fond memories of her former modeling days: "I was on the cover of Elegant Bride magazine when I think I actually cried. I was looking sort of misty, bridey eyed. It was mortifying. There I was, in my riot-grrrl feminist stage, with a puppy." [Esquire]
• "I try not to be a jerk. I really do. I try to be nice and cordial. I've seen the real extreme diva behaviour and I don't think that's who I am. I think I have mannerisms and that whole thing, and I'm running around in these shoes. But even before I had any type of fame, I was like this." -Mariah Carey [Guardian]
• Katy Perry and Russell Brand are reportedly in a "secret romance," which is so very secret that the Daily Mail has all the details. [DailyMail]
• "Katy knows his bad boy reputation but could not resist - especially when Russell sent a love poem with a note attached saying, Please send me a poem back.," says a source, "Russell killed himself laughing when Katy sent a photo of her boobs with the word 'poem' scrawled across them. The next minute Russell picked up the phone and invited her to Thailand for a secret getaway." [TheSun]
• Hayden Panettiere pushed producers to include a lesbian storyline for her Heroes character, Claire: "I kinda threw it out there... They (writers) put you in relationships and I was like, 'Can I just be with a girl or something...? Let's do that." [DailyExpress]
• Tennis star Chris Evert and golf star Greg Norman have split after 18 months of marriage. [DailyExpress]
• According to Joey Ramone's brother, Mickey Leigh, Ramone struggled with schizophrenia throughout his life. Leigh and Legs McNeil plan to discuss Ramone's illness in the upcoming book ""I Slept With Joey Ramone: A Family Memoir." [PageSix]
• Courtney Love is still having financial troubles: "I'm f****d now dude. I have 120 bucks, my kid hasn't had a decent meal and I'm getting evicted." [TheSun]
• Kim Kardashian, the cover girl for November's Cosmo, says that she's learned from her experience with the now-infamous Ray J sex tape: ""I was devastated, but when something negative happens, I pick myself up and move on…and I don't make the same mistake twice." [JustJared]
• Lady Gaga plans to start a solo tour, now that her "Fame Kills" tour with Kanye West has been canceled. [ShowbizSpy]
• Kristen Stewart says that filming The Runaways saved her from losing her mind on the set of the Twilight films: "I think I would have been a psychopath by the end of a four-year stint on the Twilight saga without anything like that to change it up." [ShowbizSpy]
• The Spice Girls are planning to get back together, with or without Victoria Beckham: "This time next year at least four of the five girls will be back on stage doing the Spice material again." says a source. Zig-a-zig-ah! [TheSun]

• Lindsay Lohan is on the cover of Elle UK — the shoot where jewelry went missing! — and here's what Editor-in-Chief Lorraine Candy writes in her Editor's letter:

"Lindsay Lohan wrote me a note during this month's cover shoot. It read, 'Let's do it again some time.' I've put it on my office wall because, in all honesty, I don't know if I could. This was the most unpredictable, and confusing cover shoot in my magazine career. First, Lindsay was about to arrive. Then she was in Paris. She was almost on set, then she disappeared into her hotel room. She was ready for her interview, then she had to have a fake tan! But we got there. And what we got was amazing. This shoot is truly original, just like Ms Lohan herself. In the end, she did her job brilliantly and, I hope you'll agree, so did we." Here's video from behind-the-scenes at the shoot [Elle TV]

• Chris Brown will be sentenced on Wednesday and appear on Larry King Live afterward: He'll apologize for assaulting Rihanna on TV. [Radar Online]
• Was Chris Brown forcibly removed from an upscale bowling alley in NYC last week for "partying too much"? [Fox 411]
• Take note: Tom Cruise is David and Victoria Beckham's "relationship guru." [Daily Express]
• "David Beckham is to star alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger in TV ads promoting California to tourists." [The Sun]
• Ryan O'Neal says of Farrah Fawcett's funeral: "I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me. I said to her, 'You have a drink on you? You have a car?' She replied, 'Daddy, it's me - Tatum!' I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it's my daughter. It's so sick." Tatum O'Neal says: "That's our relationship in a nutshell. You make of it what you will." [The Sun]
• Vanity Fair produced two different covers for its September issue: Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. These deaths bumped a scheduled Mad Men cover, so now the actors from the show will be inside. Boo. [WWD]
• This paper spoke with the grandmother of the Samantha Burke, woman that Jude Law got pregnant. Delores Burke, 80, says: "What I want to know is how a girl gets pregnant in this day and age? Yes, it takes two people but he is the older and wiser man and he should have made sure nothing like this happened. I'm mad at him, we all are. He has other children. Didn't he think about how his actions would affect them?" [Daily Mail]
• "Samantha, her mom, and her family can affirm that Jude has been responsive and supportive throughout the relationship and pregnancy, and know that he will remain so as a father once Baby Sophia is born." [People]
• Video of Samantha Burke talking to the media at the link. TMZ]
• Apparently Samantha barely had any boyfriends, hence the headline: Prude Until Jude. [The Sun]
• A source says: "Jude sleeps with so many different women. A lot of names were going around as to who the mother of his baby could be." [Page Six]
• Jude's ex, Sadie Frost, is the oldest of 10 half brothers and sisters and mother of four kids from two marriages, so she's "understanding" and wants her kids with Jude to meet the new child. [Mirror]
• Jude Law allegedly told Sadie Frost that he only slept with Samantha Burke once, after a drunken party. [Daily Mail]
• Jessica Biel sings! She's playing Sarah Brown in Guys and Dolls at the Hollywood Bowl, and says she would love to to go Broadway: "That is one of my eight-year-old dreams. That's like my little eight-year-old inside me is cartwheeling around, thinking about that idea." [AP]
• Mariah Carey's new CD will have ads. Actually, the CD booklet will be a 34-page mini magazine in co-production with Elle… with ads from Elizabeth Arden, Angel Champagne, Carmen Steffens, Le Métier de Beauté and the Bahamas Board of Tourism. [BrandWeek]
• Paris Hilton's estranged manager Jason Moore is hopping a book about how he molded this blond piece of clay into a global icon." [Rush & Molloy]
• Dr. Conrad Murray was getting $150,000 a month to be Michael Jackson's personal physician. But many of his previous patients were low-income. "There are many, many patients that thank God this man was here for them," says one. One patient said Murray performed angioplasty on him three years ago without ever being guaranteed he would be paid. [CNN]
• If you have $30 million or so, you can big on the Andy Warhol portrait of Michael Jackson, going up for auction soon. [BBC News]
• Jon & Kate Plus 8 will not become Jon & Kate Plus Dates. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Leslie Mann says her husband Judd Apatow gives her anecdotes to tell while she's promoting new film Funny People: "He has trained me to be ultra-prepared, to have five stories ready to go. He gives what I say a beginning, a middle, and an end. Whereas I'd just barf it out," she says. "It's really lazy of me to depend on him to make me sound sensible, but so what? I'm lazy." [The New Yorker]
• Milla Jovovich: Getting hitched for the third time; filmmaker Paul W.S. Anderson is her fiancé. [Daily Mail]
• Tilda Swinton and 40 other people are pulling a film screen through the Scottish Highlands "on an eight and a half day odyssey through the mountains, camping each night in a different village." [Guardian]
• In this interview, Diane Kruger says she is a "country girl" and "definitely not sophisticated." The reporter writes: "What utter hogwash! Kruger spent most of her childhood summers on a scholarship to the Royal Ballet School in London, then five years as a top-drawer international model, based in Paris, before becoming a film actress." [Times of London]
• Liev Schreiber says kids make you youthful: "I'm older physically, but spiritually much younger." [People]
• Kate Middleton, aka Prince William's girlfriend, has had a series of meetings with Sir Richard Branson, in an effort to "sharpen her business acumen." [Daily Mail]
• Editors at British magazine Pride are apologizing for manipulating comments made by Nia Long, which made it seem like she was ranting about Beyoncé's acting skills. [Daily Express]
• Liza Minnelli will not be on Ugly Betty, but she will be on Drop Dead Diva. [AP]
• Whoops! Emile Hirsch and an Emile Hirsch impostor both attended the same party. [Page Six]
• Eric Bana is hot and talking about his attraction to cars. [Daily Mail]
• Sienna Miller on GI Joe: "If these films are well done I can find them quite entertaining. But…I prefer indie, arty films really. It's not the kind of film I'd normally go and see." [Guardian]
• In addition, Sienna's GI Joe wig cost cost £4,800. [Telegraph]
• Carey Hart says he and Pink are going to have a baby… Eventually. "She still has another 18 months of touring, and I'm pretty heavy in competing again in all my businesses, so it's definitely going to happen, but just not anytime soon." [E!]
• Q: A character with special needs or a prostitute-those are usually the two paths to Oscar. Had you considered that? Hugh Dancy: "I genuinely didn't. But now that you've said that, if it doesn't work out for me with Adam, I'll play a hooker next. There was the worry that if we didn't pull this off, I would look doubly exposed. Like, 'Really? You thought that was going to work? Better luck next time! There's this great prostitute movie coming out-maybe you should give that a shot.'" [BlackBook]
• Kevin Costner and his band were set to perform in Canada when suddenly the stage collapsed. One person died and at least 60 people were injured, including 2 members of Costner's band. [TMZ]
• Funny interview with Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter, at the link. [BlackBook]
• Sheree from The Real Housewives Of Atlanta seems psyched that she was the number one trending topic on Twitter last week after her "Who's gonna check me, boo?" argument. She says: "You don't want to be on the wrong side of Sheree. You really don't. I tell them all the time, 'Don't let the cute face fool you!'" [E!]
• He's done Ali G, Borat and Brüno.What will Sacha Baron Cohen do next? How about a Eurovision music mockumentary? [The Sun]
• Kathleen Turner spills about living the last 17 years with the pain of rheumatoid arthritis, taking steroids which made her puffy and bloated and then turning to vodka to kill the pain — and becoming a drunk. [Daily Mail]
• Omarosa will be on TV One in a new series called Life After. [WaPo]
• "In Cold Souls, opening Friday in limited release, the actor Paul Giamatti plays an actor named…Paul Giamatti." [LA Times]
  
• Billy Joel is "distraught" over his breakup with Katie Lee Joel and "obsessed" with getting her back. [Page Six]
• People you may or may not have hear of had a kid: "Survivor & Amazing Race's Rob and Amber Become Parents." [People]
• Hollywood is out of ideas, part MCDXLIV: Steven Spielberg will direct a remake of Harvey, about a man and his friendship with an invisible six-foot tall rabbit. The original flick was released in 1950 and starred James Stewart. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Will Ferrell has left the film project Neighborhood Watch. [Variety]
• Dustin "Screech"Diamond: purposely excluded from the Saved By The Bell reunion by his castmates. [NY Daily News]
• Whatshername will celebrate her divorce with a televised "party extravaganza." [The Sun]
• Whatshername is on "yet another" holiday, and her cagefighter boyfriend is with her. [Daily Mail]
• Whatshisname has been crying himself to sleep and wishes he were stronger. [Mirror]
• "They did try to submit in the comedy category in the '90s and suffered from doing it in an era of juggernaut comedies like Friends and Seinfeld and Cheers and whatnot. And The Simpsons was as well written, if not more so, as any of those — but suffered from the prejudice against the medium. So I think perhaps in reparation for that, they should give them an honorary achievement Emmy." — Seth MacFarlane. [LA Times]
• "At 21 I married Luc Besson and we bought a beautiful 13-room chateau in Normandy. I was totally happy, drinking wine, walking in the forests and riding horses in the beautiful farmland. It didn't work because he was so much older. I was young and staying up late, playing the guitar and hanging out with my friends. He was the early riser who went to sleep early. He expected me to be the perfect wife, which was natural - the hostess entertaining his friends. But I was like, 'Aaaargh! I don't even like those people.' It's too bad it didn't work because he was an incredible person and I was an incredible girl, but the timing wasn't right." — Milla Jovovich. [Daily Mail]
• "I think Hillary Clinton is one of the most amazing women of this time. I don't know her and I don't know — should I call her? I'm sure she's busy. But I know they know this movie's being made. And I just want to call and say: Do you have any thoughts or feelings I should be aware of? Of course I can't make that call. I feel like saying, 'I'm going to play you in this movie and I have a lot of respect for you and is there anything you want me to say?'" — Hope Davis. [LA Times]
• "Whatever I say, I get myself into trouble." — Sienna Miller. [Guardian]
• "When I'm not working, I feel like a Ferrari in the garage. You have all this potential and you just want to break out." — Glenn Close. [LA Times]
• "I would talk my wacky language to him and he'd interpret it to the drummer. I'd say, 'I want it to sound like Zeus woke up from a nap and he's pissed and there's an opening in the clouds and he starts handing out lightning bolts,' which is crazy, but that's how I hear the rhythm. And Omar, he whispers some things to the drummer, and that's exactly what it sounds like. It really encouraged the songwriter within me." — Juliette Lewis, on recording her band's new album, produced by The Mars Volta's Omar Rodriguez-Lopez. [Reuters]
• "I have a theory that people feel as attractive as they did as a child. I was a really hideous child. People who were attractive as children have a sense of entitlement. I have a sense of awkwardness." — Kate Beckinsale. [Times of London]
• "Troy launched me but it launched me as the face that launched a thousand ships and not as an actress. I want roles where I have to expose my soul." — Diane Kruger. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• "I have never come across a female character that is written with Blanche's level of complexity, in that she's vulnerable, she's pathetic, she's a monster, she's nasty, she's tender, she's kind – she's so many things that you never know quite what she's going to do next. I've never come across so rich a character before." — Rachel Weisz on being in A Streetcar Named Desire in London. [Telegraph]
• "My life has gotten more surreal in stair steps. from the blog to the book to the movie to 'Oh my God, Nora Ephron's directing it! Oh my God, Meryl Streep's in it!' So right now I'm at this sort of surreal-is-the-new-normal phase. I'm cool with it." — Julie Powell, whose blog became the movie Julie & Julia. [NY Daily News]
• "I'm so not the relationship go-to girl. But I'm much clearer about what a relationship is, which is why I will never marry again. Gabriel and I have a great partnership and a lovely daughter. But I once was stupid enough to say, in a previous relationship, 'I'm going to be with this person for ever,' and realized, as I grew, that I don't know if for ever is possible. Gabriel and I don't look at our relationship in terms of for ever, we look at it as right here today. And today means being the best people we can be, the best parents we can be. It's wonderful, but neither one of us feels the need to attach ourselves to each other for life – because it may not be that." — Halle Berry. [Daily Mail]
• "I hate alcoholics and AA. If you can't drink responsibly, don't drink at all. Don't go to meetings, whine about your character flaws and blame the fact that you are a sociopath on booze" — Roseanne Barr to Heeb. [Page Six]

• You may want to just give up on life: Kristin Cavallari is getting $63,000 per episode to "play" a "villain" on The Hills. [PopCrunch]

• A hotel employee on Madonna's backup dancers: "Horrible." "Notoriously difficult… rude… presumptuous and cheap." [Page Six]
• Breaking: Uncle Jesse John Stamos is "conceptualizing" a Full House feature film! The Tanners' triumphant return! [Gatecrasher]
• David Carradine's death is still a mystery — he was found in a sitting position, but with a yellow rope attached to a closet bar around his neck. "We believe that Mr. David committed suicide but it is suspicious," says a police official in Bangkok. [People]
• Further details show that David Carradine may have died "from "auto-erotic accident." [Yahoo News via AFP]
• David Carradine will be seen on his Tuesday's episode of Mental. [E!]
• "Britney Jean Spears was not born into a stable home. She was born into a dysfunctional disordered one because of her father's alcoholic rages… She was on Prozac at 18… Britney was prescribed Prozac but she treated it like headache tablets, taking a pill only on the days she awoke depressed. This seemed to make her more manic…" [Mirror]
• While Britney's in London, she'd like to drop in on the Queen. [Mirror]
• Susan Boyle is out of the hospital and already has an offer to perform for Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher — for £30,000. Also, the portrayal of her as a crazy cat lady persists, since this paper claims she left the clinic because "she could no longer bear to be parted from her family, friends and beloved cat Pebbles." [Daily Mail]
• Krist Novoselic, former bassist for Nirvana, is running for clerk of Wahkiakum County in western Washington. Apparently he is running under the "Grange Party" banner, even though the Grange isn't a political party; it's a protest of the state's system that lets candidates say what party they prefer when running for office. [USA Today]
• The Slumdog kids are in Hong Kong today, where they will sing and dance (?) at a charity event. [AP]
• Lance Armstrong Tweeted in the voice of his new baby boy, writing: "Wassup, world? My name is Max Armstrong and I just arrived. My Mommy is healthy and so am I!" [E!]
• The woman who claims she was assaulted by Sacha Baron Cohen while he was filming Bruno says her injuries are "life-altering," as she suffered brain bleeds and sometimes requires assistance walking. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Lopez was "really nervous" before working on her new flick, the Back-Up Plan, because, she says, "What if I forgot how to act?" Or! What if you were never really good at it in the first place??? [National Enquirer]
• Jay-Z will release his Blueprint 3 album on Sept. 11. Interesting choice of date. [Billboard]
• Living on St. Lucia has had an affect on Amy Winehouse's sound and she is recording with "local musicians" who play traditional island instruments. Sounds… awesome? Whatever, just release some new music! [The Sun]
• Kelly Bensimon — seen here in a rather see-through dress — says of Real Housewives: "I think it was not exactly me just because I was incredibly guarded. I was a nervous wreck! Like after the show, Jill said to me, 'You're such a nice person, why weren't you like that on the show?' I felt badly too because I didn't get to see the real me." So you were being fake then? Interesting. Oh, she also says: "On Planet Kelly, everything is happy, the grass is really green, people are really really nice .... There's, like, fun everywhere and there's excitement and new opportunities all around. It's a really great place - you should come!" [NY Mag]
• Amanda Seyfried's latest film, Letters To Julliet, starts shooting soon, but her leading man hasn't been cast yet. Who would you like to see Amanda fall in love with? [Telegraph]
• Wait! Gael Garcia Bernal has signed on to star with Amanda Seyfried in Letters To Juliet. [Variety]
• Sienna Miller and some other celebs wrote a letter to Nobu restaurant in London which reads: "We feel strongly that blue fin tuna must be completely removed from your menu as it is an extremely endangered animal." [The Sun]
• Other celebs protesting the use of blue fin tuna: Woody Harrelson, Elle Macpherson, Sting, Trudie Styler, Charlize Theron, Stuart Townsend and Alicia Silverstone. [Page Six]
• "Agency Feeding Frenzy Over Ice Cube." The actor/rapper, not the unit of frozen water. [Deadline Hollywood]
• Kate Beckinsale was supposed to play Barbarella in the remake? But lost out to Rose McGowan? Hmm. We'd always heard it was Rose. [Daily Express]
• This review of a recent Mandy Moore show claims that she was "strangely tentative onstage" until the last song, a "rootsy" cover of her pop hit, "Candy," which she "seemed to enjoy more than anything else in the set." [NY Times]
• Shannen Doherty is selling her Malibu home, which has interesting contemporary architecture and a pretty nice pool. Also dig the exposed beams in the living room. [CasaSugar]
• In other 90210 news, Jason Priestley will direct and online series called The Lake. [Reuters]
• Is Jennie Garth a Twihard? She makes husband Peter Facinelli dress up as his Dr. Cullen character all the time, he claims: "She says, 'Put the doctor's coat on!' I'm like, 'Again?'" [Gatecrasher]
• M.I.A. has a record label called N.E.E.T. and this track, "Bang!" is from Rye Rye, the first artist signed. Just the thing to get jumpstarted on a sleepy Friday. [ConcreteLoop]
• "Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O'Neal planned to wed in Germany this spring but organisers couldn't arrange the big day in time." [Daily Express]
• Gene Simmons passed a kidney stone and promptly sold it on eBay — for charity. Charming! [Mirror]
• "Boris Becker goes wedding dress shopping with his fiancée Lilly Kerssenberg." She is awfully pretty. Together they certainly cut a figure. [Daily Mail]
• Phil Spector's 28-year-old wife denies she is a gold digger: "I don't take anything from my husband, and I never have. I'm a good person, but people don't see any of that or know how hard I work. I can weed whack. Rip out walls. Lay tile." Also, her pantsuit is 10 years old. "I've had this since high school." She does, however, wear a 9-carat diamond she and 69-year-old Spector "designed together." And now that he is in jail, she always has her hot pink BlackBerry with her: "I never know when he is going to be allowed to call. Whenever he calls, I answer." [LA Times]
• RIP Shih Kien, who played Bruce Lee's enemy in 1973's Enter the Dragon. [AP]
• "Being married is like being on a game show and you're always in the lightning round. I have a podium in my living room, and in the morning I hit the clicker button: 'I'll take Movies That I Think We Saw Together for 200.' The woman is always the returning champion from last week: 'I'll take Details of a 10-Minute Conversation We Had at 3 in the Morning Eight Years Ago...' " — Jerry Seinfeld. [E!]
• "I still can't believe we have a president who is mixed like me. It's one thing that we have a black president but for me it's even crazier because he's mixed. I feel like I come from a smaller off shoot of black people because I am mixed. People say I'm African American but that doesn't include the other half of me. I can't believe I'm living in a time where I feel proud of my president where I feel like things are actually positive and people feel good about where our country can be." — Maya Rudolph. [Women & Hollywood]
• "[Nurse Jackie] is physically low maintenance — that was a huge appeal. Very much like I am. I didn't want to spend a lot of time in makeup. On Sopranos, the nails, the hair, the makeup and the jewelry was very not who I am. It was fun, but after eight years I was ready to try something else." — Edie Falco. [Reuters]
• "All directors compare themselves to Orson Welles, who did his masterpiece at 26. So when you start and you're nearly 40, you're like, 'Oh god, I'm so behind.'" — Michel Gondry. [Independent]
• "I have a pretty amazing personality, and I'm pretty intelligent. Don't just write me off as a pinup" — Megan Fox to Elle. [Page Six]
• "A very smart person told me once what other people think of me is none of my business. ... I do not Google myself. I know that's only going to end badly." — Edie Falco. [Reuters]
• "We do not hang out." — Jill Zarin on the Real Housewives Of New Jersey. [Gatecrasher]
• "I don't know why that's either untapped or overlooked or not done well because there is really no excuse for it. This is a perfect example of it [being well done]. It's not as if women don't exist. I will say that in general there is a lot of crap in the world. It wasn't until I was thrown in the water on day 1 of Saturday Night Live where they said you write for yourself. That's what everyone does. I learned the enormous power of writing for yourself, especially now that people seem to be receptive to the fact that women can write." — Maya Rudolph, who stars in Away We Go, on why women are sometimes underwritten or ignored in Hollywood films. [Women & Hollywood]
• "I can't think of anything more horrible than sharing what I'm doing all day" — Renée Zellweger to Glamour on why she won't use Twitter. [Page Six]

[London, April 24. Image via INF]

• Chris Brown has reportedly moved on. His new ladyfriend is actually an ex. She attends University of Mary Washington and they met in Virginia, which is where he's from. His reps deny everything. [Gatecrasher]

• Are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie trying to adopt another kid, this time from the Philippines? [Daily Mail]
• Is Pamela Anderson getting ready to wed —- for the fourth time? The dude would be her current boyfriend, Jamie Padgett. [The Sun]
• "Someone in the Kardashian family will soon have plastic surgery," says Kim Kardashian. "I can't tell you who, but someone in my family will look totally different and viewers will see it all on the show very soon." Uh, is it Bruce Jenner? [People]
• Suri Cruise is starting her "five day a week Scientology training," which really just means she'll be attending that school started by Will Smith that uses "study technology." But the school does require a "low-carb, low-sodium and low-sugar organic diet." Suri is about to turn 3. [Daily Mail]
• Although Lindsay Lohan is "heartbroken," Lindsay and Sam are still talking,says a friend. Also: Lindsay "barely sleeps, which explains a lot of her behavior. She's exhausted. She can't even sit down for a minute without pacing around the room. It's really sad." [People]
• Lindsay was seen carrying something called Neuro Bliss, which is supposed to "relax neural tissues, to enhance brain activity, focus and provide a sense of well-being." [TMZ]
• This report is titled, "Lindsay Parties The Pain Away." [OK!]
• Madonna is still trying to adopt Mercy James, the child in Malawi. Her lawyer has filed an appeal, and she says "I want to provide Mercy with a home, a loving family environment and the best education and healthcare possible." [Reuters]
• Mercy James is "in hiding" so that her biological father doesn't come and take her; apparently he has only materialized since Madonna showed interest in the child. [Daily Mail]
• News you cannot use: Madonna's son David is a fan of Australian football. [News.com.au]
• Is it mean that Joel Madden posted a picture of a young Nicole Richie on his Twitter and wrote, "This is why I love her folks. Is it not Ron Perlman circa Beauty and the Beast??" [People]
• Hermione's coming to the states: Emma Watson will be attending Brown University. [Daily Express]
• Even though Paris Hilton is with Doug Reinhardt now, she totally talks to her ex, Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, at least three times a week. They probably just discuss the economy and ? [Daily Mail]
• Brace yourself for a Nadya Suleman reality show, which is super close to happening. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Some lady from a rehab center says she had a "secret fling" with Blake Fielder-Civil and is knocked up with his kid. Is it true? Will Amy Winehouse flip her wig? [Daily Mail]
• Amy Winehouse has been working with the Gorillaz instead of working on her own album. [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse and Duffy are no match for Dusty Springfield, says a friend of Dusty Springfield's. [Telegraph]
• Did Whitney Port leave her job at Diane von Furstenberg, after being beaten out for a promotion by Olivia Palermo? [Page Six]
• Josh Hartnett was seen partying in Miami, so he's clearly recovered from that gastrointestinal problem which sent him to the hospital earlier this month. [UPI]
• Did Jimmy Fallon steal an album cover from the wall of a New York City restaurant and show it off on the Tonight Show? He's claiming it was a prop, but the restaurant has posted a sign, saying: ""Wanted! Jimmy Fallon. A free meal and drink to anyone who can retrieve our record cover back to us safely." [UPI]
• Tim Roth says he was a victim of child abuse. "It happened during my childhood up to my early teens and although I'm not going to say who it was, he's long gone now — and I hasten to add it wasn't my father or mother. Things happen to you in your life, but you don't want to consider yourself to be a victim — you want to be a survivor and the first thing that helps you do that and helps you get through it is speaking and finding your voice." [Daily Mail]
• WTF: New York Post film critic Lou Lumenick wrote: "You know a movie's got problems when the most memorable thing about it is Sienna Miller's moustache. That growth above her lip is clearly visible in two scenes, once in profile." How is that relevant to the movie (The Mysteries Of Pittsburgh) or her acting? [The Sun]
• Sienna Miller has dropped from number 45 to 202 on FHM's Sexiest Women list. [The Sun]
• Trouble in Kate Beckinsale's marriage? [Daily Mail]
• Jared Leto invited children rescued from a life of prostitution to sit in on a recording session with his band, 30 Seconds To Mars. [Monica Seles is opening up about her addiction to food in a new book, Getting A Grip. [Daily Mail]
• Long-haired heartthrob Fabio wrecked a Ferrari on Mulholland Drive over the weekend. Did you know dude is 50? [UPI]
• The Hannah Montana movie took the top spot at the weekend box office with a fairly respectable $17.2 million. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Why the fact that Sylvester Stallone has Russian heritage is breaking news is a mystery. [Daily Mail]
• Sting and his wife have invited a group of friends on an all-expenses-paid luxury trip to Tuscany to discuss "social consciousness." [Daily Mail]
• Here's a profile of Carla Gugino in which she says: "I was so serious when I was young. My mom would come home and say, 'Carla, stop studying." Or, "The dishes are clean enough.' I felt that to be successful I couldn't drink, I couldn't smoke. But acting taught me to have a life that could feed my work.… I had a happy childhood, but I think it also pushed me to try to create my own sense of stability and made me very intense for my age." [NY Times]
• Singer Cassie shaved part of her head, and it looks cute. [NY Daily News]
• Two of Leona Lewis's cousins have been arrested for allegedly beating up and trying to rob some drug dealers. [The Sun]
• Ooh, a retrospective of Ray Liotta's career. He was so hot in Something Wild. [CNN]
• Bjorn Ulvaeus of ABBA says there should not be a sequel to Mamma Mia: "It wouldn't work." [UPI]
• In this piece, Sir Roger Moore talks about all of his ailments — kidney stones, shingles, low heart rate, etc — as well as his hypochondria. [Daily Mail]
• William Hurt will join the cast of the Robin Hood flick which stars Russell Crowe in the lead and Cate Blanchett as Maid Marian. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Shenae Grimes of 90210 was asked who she'd like to come to the set: "Luke Perry, obviously. I mean, come on! We've all been dying for it. I still am but I may have to give up the dream." [Mirror]
• This sentence means nothing to me, but perhaps others will care: The Veronicas are dating brothers from rock bad Carney. [News.com.au]
• Blind item! "Which troubled starlet is getting over a bad breakup with a member of the same sex? We just hope the latter's current boyfriend doesn't get wind of the girl-on-girl shenanigans!" [Gatecrasher]
• "Trying to do an aggressive sex scene is quite difficult. Especially in a public place with a crowd of screaming extras with their little camera phones going click-click, talking pictures of your pasty white ass. I've had my fair share of bedroom antics in films, but they were a little more private." — Jason Statham. [Page Six]
• "I have made several mistakes and one of them was being overprotective of the girls, which has led to an impression that the school is isolating them from society. The majority of girls are thriving, really fulfilling the dream and vision I had. They really have exceeded any expectations I had for them. In spite of everything that's happened, what keeps me inspired and hopeful is the heart of every girl, because they are wonderful, they are magnificent." — Oprah, who has been defending the record of her school in South Africa. [USA Today]
• "He was in an Easter suit, with the Easter basket and the eggs and everything. Once you've seen Billy in a bunny suit, it's pretty hard to think of Easter in any other way." — Christie Brinkley on ex-husband Billy Joel. [Daily Express]
• "I wish I'd never worn an American flag motif swimsuit to the MTV Awards when I was in the Spice Girls. This was me hating myself and hiding under mountains of make-up." — Geri Halliwell. [Independent]
• "I don't think you ever retire from films - films retire you. Sometimes, if you're unfortunate, after your first film. What happens is you say 'I'm going to retire'. And then someone turns up and gives you this script. So you're not retiring. I don't have my next movie and I'm not looking for one. But someone will give me a script possibly and I'll work again. If someone doesn't give me a script that I want to do, I'll retire. But there won't be a great announcement or fanfare of trumpets. I just won't do anything. I'll stay at home and do what I always do, which is cooking, gardening and writing." — Michael Caine. [Daily Express]
• "I don't care. If I don't get food in my mouth, I'm still happy. If my pants are round my ankles, as long as I don't get arrested for indecent exposure, I'm happy. I'm worried about keeping my hair, not how it's combed. […] I don't know that [my kids have] ever seen Back To The Future all the way through. Just as Parkinson's isn't a big topic of conversation in my house, neither is my career. I go down to my office every day and they say, 'Dad's going to work.'" — Michael J. Fox. [Guardian]
• "Only 1,350 rockers were made, and we sold approximately 70 percent in the first two weeks. The collector's edition photo album has sold more the first week than any book we've sold at Cracker Barrel." — Cracker Barrel's VP of marketing on Dolly Parton's merch, which is flying out of stores. [Reuters]
• "I wish we could have shared a bed/but her life was not her own/That's what happens when you date a girl/from Driftwood Nursing Home." — from Bob Saget's comedy act. [NY Times]
• "What I love about Donna is she's never jaded. Donna can kind of go through anything and she still has that girlish quality about her. I think that's something she'd have at any age. That's Donna to me." — Tori Spelling on her return to 90210. [Yahoo News via AP]
• "It's not like we're not talking, we just haven't talked. I love my mother. I've always loved her [and] no doubt she loves me. There's no feud. We simply never meshed." — Tori Spelling. [People]
• "Chris [Martin] is a huge [Sherlock] Holmes nut. He said to me before filming, 'You've got to be gaunt. You've got to be as skinny as you possibly can to play Holmes.' So every time I'm reaching for a muffin I think about Chris and skip the snack. That's been tough." — Robert Downey Jr. [The Sun]
• "I know what you're saying, but it's not a character like in a book or a movie. He's not a bus driver. He doesn't drive a forklift. He's not a serial killer. It's me who's singing that, plain and simple. We shouldn't confuse singers and performers with actors. Actors will say, 'My character this, and my character that.' Like beating a dead horse. Who cares about the character? Just get up and act. You don't have to explain it to me." — Bob Dylan, in a rare interview. [Telegraph]
• "I knew I wanted to marry her pretty soon [after I met her]. It took a while for me to admit it, because it would be crazy to be like, 'I want to marry you' the first day I met her. But I could have!" — Chris Pratt on fiancée Anna Faris. [People]
• "I found I was really sleepy. I almost fell asleep during a Chris Rock show - live, front and center. I thought, 'I need to have a steak.' You have to do what works for you. Some people need meat." — Rachel McAdams, on why she's not a vegetarian anymore. [NY Daily News]
• "There was a television series that never got made by that woman who wrote that big role for Helen Mirren, Lynda La Plante. They wanted me to play – this is how they think of me – a woman who had been beaten up and degraded. I refused. I'm sure the British would not like to see me in a role like that. No way. [As for the film version of my life,] I hated the script. I thought it would be based on the book and not just made up. I had a long talk with my friend, the actress Carrie Fisher, about it and she said: 'You might think you were degraded enough but believe me, for Hollywood not nearly enough. There has to be prostitution, there has to be murder.' So I took it back." — Marianne Faithfull. [Daily Express]

• At an Oscar party, Madonna congratulated ex-husband Sean Penn on his win. Penn reportedly gestured at Jesus Luz and said: "Thanks. Another kid already?" [The Sun]

• Sean Penn skipped the Milk party, by the way. Why wouldn't you go to the bash for your own damn flick? [Page Six]
• Was Ben Stiller's Joaquin impersonation the only amusing part of the Oscars? [NY Post]
• Kate Winslet was psyched at the Vanity Fair party: she "cradled" her statue and shouted "Wooo!" at all who congratulated her. [Gatecrasher]
• Since receiving it, Kate Winslet has not put her Oscar down. [Daily Mail]
• Jennifer Aniston wouldn't let John Mayer pose for a picture with "backstage beauties" at the Oscars. Or, you know, people want you to think she is keeping a tight grip on this one. [E!]
• Sienna Miller was at Montblanc's/UNICEF dinner in Hollywood and came out of the men's room followed by a "short, straggly haired gent whom she didn't speak to again that night." [Gatecrasher]
• Are Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson back on? She was seen with him right before the Oscars. [Page Six]
• Prince's Oscar party: A "disaster." [Page Six]
• Will Billy Crystal host the Oscars next? Fox's Roger Friedman thinks so, since Crystal isn't working on anything else. [Fox 411]
• Madonna who? Gwyneth Paltrow is becoming BFFs with Jay-Z and Beyoncé: Her kids call him "Uncle Jay." [Page Six]
• Eminem is suing Universal Music Group — the world's largest music company — over how much he is entitled to when his tunes are sold to third-party distributors. [The Wrap]
• There was a hearing in the Britney Spears restraining order case yesterday; Dad Jamie Spears claimed that Britney has been talking to Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib on a pre-paid cell phone. Danger, danger! [TMZ]
• Victoria Beckham's carbon footprint? Huge. [Guardian]
• Three words: Kathy Griffin memoir. [NY Observer]
• Parker Posey is a big tipper. [Page Six]
• Lily Allen wants to star in Miss Marple. She also wants to sing for and appear in a Bond film. She's a lady with dreams! [The Star]
• Stevie Wonder is in Washington to receive the Gershwin Prize for Popular Song from the Library of Congress; the ceremony will happen later this week at the White House and Barack Obama will present the award. Signed sealed delivered, it's his! [USA Today]
• Pix of the Slumdog cuties at Disneyland! [Extra]
• Here's a story about how the Slumdog kids are hometown heroes. "The whole country is happy about this. They are very happy that a boy from the slums is also now a star. I'm also very happy," said Mohammed Ismail, the father of a 10-year-old who appeared in the flick. [NY Post]
• A Tennessee teen who got raided last Fall for hacking Miley Cyrus's Gmail account also hacked other celebrity accounts and MySpaces for a spam scheme that earned him $110,000. [Wired]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is so obsessed with Audrey Hepburn that she dressed up as the actress for her 30th birthday. Nice tiara. [E!, IDLYITW]
• Some dude in Seattle collects celebrity-autographed yarmulkes, and 32 of them will be displayed at the University Of Washington. [UPI]
• Charles Barkley was sentenced to 10 days in jail yesterday, stemming from a December DUI in which he told cops he was speeding because he was on his way to get a blow job. (Note: That excuse does not work.) [E!]
• Kate Beckinsale has some instant noodles named after her: Steak and BeckinsALE. What an honor? [The Sun]
• The author of gay comic book Hair-Raising Adventures of Jayms Blonde says Adam Sandler ripped off his idea and turned it into You Don't Mess With The Zohan. No one should be claiming credit for Zohan, though. [NY Daily News]
• Is U2 getting £1million in free advertising from the BBC? [Daily Mail]
• Regis Philbin's son Danny tried to kill himself with a pill overdose after splitting with his wife. [Perez Hilton]
• New couple: Elle Macpherson and Brit designer Oswald Boateng. [Gatecrasher]
• A martial arts instructor is suing Tito Jackson over unpaid debt. Is that family a magnet for trouble? [Mirror]
• Blind item! " Which billionaire's son is a scary misogynist? When women balk at his less-than-gentlemanly pickup lines, he calls them bitches and shouts a threat or two." [Gatecrasher]
• More blind items! "Which actor snorted cocaine in the bathroom during an Oscar after-party, while a slimmed-down stoner actor smoked pot outside with his pals? Which morning cable TV show hostess took off a week recently to get her eyes done and her breasts enlarged? Which aviation honcho is trying to knock down rumors he shacked up with a young hottie who works for him while his pregnant wife was back home and clueless?" [Page Six]
• "It's not up to me, but I'm sure we would (have him on SNL) if he had another hit single. We don't care about scandal. We just care about what brings us ratings!" — Kenan Thompson on Chris Brown. [MSNBC]
• "Possession of pouty lips and carefully contrived tousled hairdos doesn't exempt them from associating with the reporters and fans who made them famous." — from a rant against Angelina and Brad snubbing interviewers on the red carpet. [NY Post]
• "It doesn't cost $500 to cut my hair. Have you seen my hair? I don't even have that many strands. If for some reason i decided that I was going to throw $500 away on a hair cut I would pay for it myself, however - I have a great exchange going with my hair dresser - I make him cds - he cuts my hair. Yay! cheap and cheerful!" —Samantha Ronson, shutting down a report that Lindsay Lohan pays for Sam's $500 hair cuts. [MSNBC]

• Yes, it's fashion week, yes, there are better things to talk about, and yes, we'll get to them after the jump, but first: Toby Keith's clothing line debuted. It's worse than we thought. [TMZ]

• London's fashion week, small but mighty as always, starts today and only runs for four days. It's a strange paradox of British fashion that, while some of the top designers — McQueen, Galliano — are from the UK, and London's Central St. Martins is acknowledged as one of the best fashion schools in the world, London fashion week has never quite managed the automatic prestige of New York's, Milan's, or Paris's (which is, not incidentally, where Galliano and McQueen both show). [Reuters]
• André Leon Talley went nuts for Vera Wang's show in her new downtown store. [The Cut]
• Who invited Julia Allison to Philip Lim? He doesn't make pink clothes. [Observer]
• WWD gets its own loving spoof! Worldwide Womenswear Digest, or WWWD has stories like "THE PARENT TRAP: Bee Shaffer shocked to learn most parents don't have yearly hug limits" and "Diane von Furstenberg Debuts Controversial Spinach Wrap Dress." Awesome. [The Cut]
• Leanne Marshall, who won this show called Project Runway this one time, completed a cross-country move and finished her entire fall collection in a few weeks. She says the only thing that's hard about designing from her Brooklyn apartment is keeping her cat out of her sewing. [People]
• Bravo's replacement for their lost treasure, to be called The Fashion Show, will be hosted by Isaac Mizrahi, Fern Mallis...and Kelly Rowland. [Variety]
• In the front row at Calvin yesterday afternoon, Eva Mendes explains the concept of a fashion show to newbie Kate Beckinsale: "It's a little like going to a museum and seeing a beautiful exhibit, except it's emotion." Did she mean, "in motion"? [WWD]
• SIR — Thank you for your measured post considering the economic value of the fashion industry. I'll resist the temptation to call any of the economists who would argue that "creative innovation that matters is somebody in a lab at MIT coming up with a more efficient battery or solar cell. It is somebody at Stanford coming up with a way to make computers smarter or cancer more preventable. I just can't get excited about some frou-frou fashion designers and the magazines that feature their creations" pointy-headed misogynist assholes (who probably dress poorly and were made fun of for it in high school). [The Economist]
• There is justice! Crocs lost $33 million last quarter. [WWD]
• The three shareholders in De Beers — a mining company, the government of Botswana, and the family of company chairman Nicky Oppenheimer — have together loaned the diamond company $500 million as sales have softened because of the economy. The loan is interest-free for two years. De Beers had record sales in the first three quarters of 2008, but the last quarter was flat, and analysts expect 2009 to be even worse. [Reuters]
• Wholesale prices of US-made apparel rose in the month of January, despite concerns about deflation. [WWD]
• Brazilian designer Alexandre Herchcovitz is able to afford to show in New York partly because of his home country's lavish support of the arts. This season's show cost $170,000, around $70,000 of which came from the Brazilian government. I'm always mystified by the huge numbers some designers give as their budget costs for models — Herchcovitz claims he spent $90,000 on models a year ago — and I have to wonder, are they counting the "cost" of the trade they offer as payment to the girls who work the show? Because as far as I can recall, Herchcovitz is one of the many to "pay" in clothes. Not that giving away clothes isn't a cost to a designer, but I don't think it's unreasonable to recognize that providing some of your product for free is a different class of cost than actual out-of-pocket expenditures. [NY Times]
• Versace is dipping a nervous toe into the turbid waters of internet retail. [WWD]
• And Celine Dion wants you to smell Chic like her this April. [WWD]
• After Victoria Beckham agreed to sell her upscale line of dresses exclusively through Bergdorf's, Saks, which had been among the first to support her dVb by Victoria Beckham denim line, decided to drop the pants. Kitson and Henri Bendel stopped restocking dVb last year because of poor sales. [NY Post]

• Alan Cumming thinks that our new President, Barack Obama, has a large, ahem, unit:

"I think great leaders, charismatic leaders and men who are so confident and who have achieved so much, usually have big penises,” Cumming tells New York. "I think there’s a correlation between the level of confidence, the level of the way a man can hold a room and the way he conducts himself in life, with his penis size — with his comfort with his penis size. So much of male psyche is taken up with how big your cock is; it’s a huge deal in our lives, and so when you’re confident about your penis size, it shows. Well, just look at [Obama]. Just the way he’s so kind of elegant and very confident in his body and himself. Also, someone told me that they worked out with him in a gym in Chicago, and it was big." [NY Mag]

• Naomi Watts talks about her ex-boyfriend Heath Ledger in Parade magazine: "When I got to the set and did that first scene with him, I was like, ‘Wow! This guy is alive.’ It was just something deep in his eyes. You could look into them, and they would tell a thousand stories in one glance. There was a wonderful mixture of power and fragility at work in everything he did, which just pulls you in. His strength didn’t scare you. It intrigued you. And his fragility touched you." [MSNBC]
• Jessica Simpson performed yesterday in Charlottesville, Virginia, and referred to the kerfluffle over her body: "Thank you for your support," she told the crowd. "Stay positive, and pray out loud! Please remember, no matter what you go through in life, somebody else might have it harder. So just appreciate. I feel like in our world today we focus on so many things that are completely pointless." Word. [People]
• Do what you must to prepare yourself: Madonna and her kids are moving to the U.S. [The Sun]
• And! Her Madgesty will add another leg to her Sticky & Sweet tour, heading to the U.K. and Europe this summer. [Reuters]
• Renee Zellweger was not a VIP at Barack Obama's inauguration — by choice. "I wanted to be part of it and not in a celebrity way, where you're ushered into your safe place," she says. She listened to the ceremony from a barricade on First Street, next to a blind lady. [USA Today]
• £15,000 worth of stuff was stolen from Amy Winehouse's home — flat screen TV, guitars, recording equipment. Amy is still in the Caribbean, but is said to be "devastated." A source says: "Some of the guitars are irreplaceable due to their sentimental value." Hopefully they stole her crack pipe. [The Sun]
• So you know how a stage manager stole from the fashion closet of Lipstick Jungle? He also robbed Brooke Shields! "[He's] the same guy who stole my wallet out of my dressing room last season, right out of my purse!” Shields says. "He’s not very bright, because the purse was worth more than the wallet." [Gatecrasher]
• Traders on the Hollywood Stock Exchange are betting on Sex And The City 2. [WSJ]
• Anna Faris is engaged to actor Chris Pratt, who was on Everwood and The OC and currently plays Anne Hathaway's fiance in Bride Wars. Good luck, kids! [Us]
• Director Danny Boyle and producer Christian Colson have issued a statement denying that Slumdog Millionaire exploited two child actors: "Boyle and Colson said the kids were enrolled in school for the first time after filming, and a fund had been set up to cover their education, as well as their basic living costs, health care and any emergencies. If the children stay in school until they are 18, they will receive another lump sum." [Variety]
• In this interview, a man whose 7-year-old daughter appears in Slumdog says the filmmakers "are taking complete care of my child." "Whatever a parent could have done, they have done much more than that." [AP]
• Ugh, more Slumdog problems: In Mumbai, the flick is not exactly drawing people to the cineplexes, because people don't understand the title and rampant piracy means some have already seen it on DVD. [Reuters]
• Faith Hill is glad that Jennifer Hudson will sing at the Super Bowl: "I believe to come and perform the national anthem, which is this country's favourite song, at a time that our country is stepping up and moving forward for future generations - I think it's just the perfect choice." [The Star]
• Why did Bruce Springsteen — after being asked several times — finally agree to play the Super Bowl half-time show? "It was sort of, well, if we don’t do it now, what are we waiting for? I want to do it while I’m alive." [NY Times]
• Very unlikely duo Bob Dylan and will.i.am will both appear in a Pepsi commercial during the Super Bowl. How does it feel? To be on your own, like a black-eyed pea? [Reuters]
• Penelope Cruz says that Woody Allen is not sleazy, and only makes pervy comments to make people laugh: "On set he would say something completely wild and I would say, 'I can't believe those words came out of your mouth!'" Allen, she says, is "very peculiar – but I love him." [Guardian]
• Tom Cruise's flick, Valkyrie, was beaten at the box office in Germany by Twilight; and in England, Slumdog Millionaire crushed the Nazi flick. Valkyrie cost between $90 and $100 million to make and $50 to $60 mil to promote, but has grossed only about $83 million in the U.S. Not bad, but not the comeback Cruise was hoping for at his new studio. [Fox 411]
• James Brown's family will go to court today, hoping for a settlement regarding the late singer's estate, after two years of drama. [USA Today]
• Khloe Kardashian and Rashad McCants of the Minnesota Timberwolves have broken up. Khloe writes on her blog: "Relationships are hard enough as is when you live in the same city, and he's in a different city everyday for games." [Khloe Kardashian]
• Lil Wayne had to remove a song, Playing With Fire, from his hit album, That Carter III, due to a copyright suit: The track had melody and lyrics from the Rolling Stones' tune, "Play With Fire." If you go to iTunes, the song will have vanished. [WSJ]
• ABC has picked up a comedy, Let It Go, starring Lauren Graham, in which she plays a talkshow host who is dumped by her boyfriend and can't follow her own advice of "letting go." [Variety]
• Mike McCready from Pearl Jam, who suffers from Crohn's disease, is lobbying Washington state lawmakers to give people with gastrointestinal disorders more bathroom access. [AP]
• If you have $5.2 million, you can buy the former home of John Edwards and his glossy hair. [WSJ]
• More proof that the '90s are back: Jane's Addiction is planning a spring tour. [Gatecrasher]
• And more proof the '90s are back: House Of Style will return to MTV! Possibly with Bar Refaeli or Chanel Iman as host. [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which baseball heartthrob may be playing for the other team? He secretly slides into bed with Florida fellas." [Gatecrasher]
• Is Ellen Barkin's new TV show — in which she plays a woman "famous for her high-profile marriage, who divorces and re-enters the single market" kinda like her actual life? [Page Six]
• Did Eliza Dushku brag about killing deer, elk and other animals? Apparently she said it was okay for her to hunt because she eats what she kills. Guess who's pissed? PETA. [Page Six]
• Jessica Alba has a bow tattooed above her crack. [The Life Files]
• "With the internet you can fight back. If someone has written something unjust, wrong or has offended me, or offended a friend, then that’s it. The other day Perez Hilton wrote that I was a lazy arse and I should give up on my record. Today, my single is No1 in the midweeks and I am on tour, working really, really hard. And his job is sitting at a computer all day. How can he call me lazy?!" — Lily Allen. [The Sun]
• "Being a nun now makes total sense. I wouldn't do it for Jesus - I would do it to see tabloid gossip people have zero to write about. 'She prays all fucking day - what are we going to write about now?' " — Lily Allen to Spin. [Page Six]
• "I used to pester my mother to have another baby when my father was still alive. She ended up having an eight hour operation to unblock her tubes and things like that. The operation was a success but my father died while she was having it, so it was really ironic, terrible timing." — Kate Beckinsale. [Daily Express]
• "We're planning a home birth, but it might be a Grammy birth! Eating a hot curry could make me go into labor, so imagine what getting on stage with Jay-Z, Lil Wayne and T.I. would do. Everyone's been very understanding." — M.I.A., who has been nominated for a Grammy and an Oscar, but is due the night before the Grammys. [WSJ]
• "If I'm not coming up with something I get very upset and start questioning it all. 'I can't get it out. I'm not worthy of the money I'm getting paid. There are people who are so much better.' I really beat myself up." — Lily Allen, on her writer's block. [WSJ]
• "I’m upset because I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that you can take advantage of me. It’s unfair that the performances (in The Wrestler) might suffer because of all of these distractions. I'm not attracted to him, he's too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will." — Evan Rachel Wood, on the rumors she was making out with Mickey Rourke after the SAG awards. [MSNBC]
• "I have a crush on Jimmy Carter. I admit it. He has an extraordinary mind. He's an exceptional human being. And he writes poetry, for crying out loud. He's all good things." — Renee Zellweger. [USA Today]
• "I’VE MADE SOME GOOD CHOICES AND SOME MISTAKES… I’VE BEEN LOVED AND HATED…. I’VE BEEN HAILED AND RIDICULED… I’VE BEEN INVITED TO SHOWS AND AS USUAL ASKED NOT TO COME… I’VE BEEN ATTACKED FOR BEING ME… FOR BEING BRIGHT RED IN A GREY WORLD…. I AM NUCLEAR ENERGY." — Kanye West, in an email to Rolling Stone. [Rolling Stone]

[Los Angeles, January 26. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[Beverly Hills, CA. January 11. Image via Getty.]

JASON: Good morning, sunshine.

MEGAN: Harrumph. My mother used to mock me in the mornings like that when I lived at home.

JASON: I'm sure your mother didn't see it as mocking you.

MEGAN: No, you haven't met my parents, mocking one another's foibles is part of our deal. We tend to talk a lot about my father's bathroom habits, too.

JASON: The whole Carpentier family coat-of-arms must be disturbing to look at!

MEGAN: Holidays are fun in my house. One year, after chili was consumed, we forced my father to fart outside, only it was so cold that when he went out there his asshole puckered up too tight to squeeze it out. We still tell that story with glee.

JASON: Wow. Now if that doesn't read like the lost verse of the Little Drummer Boy! "My asshole is frozen shut, pa-rump-pump-pump-pum!"

MEGAN: The real problem is finding a news story to tie to that, which I'm at a loss for, so I'm just going to embed "Jizz in My Pants" at this moment, which is what prompted all my scatological Christmas memories.

Which reminded me of my friend ****, who about 10 years ago around this time told me how he did that exact same thing over Thanksgiving break at a strip club in front of all his friends. And, finally, I can embed a news story. Indian authorities are making the Mumbai terrorist parade around in nothing but his undies to prevent him from killing himself. I'm assuming that, if he were like my friend, keeping him in his underwear might actually provoke suicide.

JASON: "Jizz In My Pants" will be the first single from INCREDIBAD, by Andy Samberg's old comedy group, The Lonely Island, who are the people behind the SNL Digital Shorts.

MEGAN: For whatever reason, I read "Lonely Island" as "Long Island," but that might be because that's from whence my quick-to-the-draw friend hails.

JASON: Look, I'm just glad that someone has a definition of "extreme lengths" that stops at "making him wear nothing but underwear" and doesn't involve the sort of things that make Mike Mukasey jizz in his pants. "I hook electrodes, to a brown man's balls and I JIZZ IN MY PANTS."

MEGAN: You know whom else I'm betting lets loose with a couple of teaspoons-full now and again? Michael Chertoff, when he's listening to illegal wiretap tapes. Also, a ton of liberals when Bush said "Welcome to my hanging" this weekend.

JASON: Oh, no doubt. Though Chertoff mostly spews graveyard dust out of his dessicated ghoul-cock. You know Chertoff is a guy that Baby Jesus hates the most. "Waaah. Living-dead abomination! Jizzing graveyeard dust!"

MEGAN: He is, without a doubt, the creepiest-looking guy in Washington. You'd think that he'd look less creepy in person, that maybe it's the TV lights or something. But, no. He really does look exactly that frightening.

JASON: Yeah. And you know, he's not scary-looking? Like we don't even get any sort of terrorist deterrence out of the fact that he's the creepiest fuck in the world. He'd actually be better off if he drew a mad face on a paper bag and wore it around Washington. I guess after Obama takes office it's back to the Jim Rose Sideshow with that guy!

MEGAN: Nah, his wife might get mad if he wore it outside of the bedroom.

JASON: Does he have a wife? I naturally assumed the man fucked mummies, like Dick Morris.

MEGAN: Looking like Chertoff does have it's advantages, though. Like, he always has a Halloween costume. I mean, who does a better Holocaust victim than Michael Chertoff, really?

JASON: OHHH!

MEGAN: Too soon?

JASON: No, no, this was inevitable! Of course, Janet Napolitano has all those qualities that Ed Rendell finds so fascinating.

MEGAN: Tits? Tell me Ed Rendell isn't a titty-fucker. Girls with big boobs recognize 'em a mile away.

JASON: He said: "Janet's perfect for that job. Because for that job, you have to have no life. Janet has no family. Perfect. She can devote, literally, 19-20 hours a day to it."

MEGAN: And, in context of titty-fucking, that statement becomes truly hilarious. If Ed Rendell had a bigger dick, I'd say she'd need a chin guard to prevent bruising. But he doesn't, so I won't. 19-20 hours, though, he'd' best buy stock in Astroglide.

JASON: It's important to point out, AGAIN, something I pointed out throughout the election. And that is that Ed Rendell is the dopiest dumbass in politics. I have no idea how this goober-fuck became Governor of Pennsylvania. It certainly doesn't speak well of Pennsylvanians, and I'm almost sad that Chris Matthews looks like he's gonna re-up at MSNBC, because the Pennsylvanians would have a good chance to prove just how inane they are by putting his dumb ass in the Senate.

MEGAN: Now, let's be fair. Rendell wouldn't even rank in the bottom 10 of dope-y Senators.

JASON: Well, he ranks well among Governors.

MEGAN: He might be number 11, sure, but I don't even think he's stellar enough at being a dumbfuck to rank that high in the Senate.

JASON: He's just such a side-splitting ass, and like Matthews, he's got all these pretensions of knowing what it's like to be working class.

MEGAN: Well, speaking of assholes who like to pretend they're down with the average Joe, Bill Jefferson finally lost re-election in Louisiana. To a Republican community organizer.

JASON: I feel like the Dems in Congress got lucky, there. Now they don't have to make excuses for why they never gave that shitheel Jefferson the mad shun when he was in office.

MEGAN: Nope, now they can focus on not talking about why they won't do anything about Corruption King Charlie Rangel, whose stupefying corruption in office makes Jefferson's bribes seem tame by comparison.

JASON: His legislative director was named one of The Hill's Fifty Most Beautiful People in 2008. They said she had "a mysterious kind of beauty - the kind that unfolds by the minute." I said, "But she works for Louisiana Representative William Jefferson, so hidden in those folds are thousands of dollars in bribes." Yeah, they like, uncover something new and shady about ol' Charlie everyday, don't they? He's become an embarrassment, too.

MEGAN: It's sad, actually, some of his staff were really, really good and they all got completely fucked by his bribe-schemes. Hell, even his colleagues he worked with on African Growth and Opportunity Act (AGOA) saw their accomplishments tarnished by Jefferson's use of the act to gin up money for himself and his relatives.

JASON: Yep. For the 300,000 people applying to put the change in change.gov, I recommend you vet your prospective boss at least as thoroughly as they're vetting you.

MEGAN: Charlie Rangel is beyond embarrassing. You have the chairman of the committee in charge of taxation — including a push to close the tax gap, i.e., reduce cheating — cheating on his fucking taxes. Let alone keeping multi-million dollars in tax breaks afloat for big donors to his library, let alone hitting up every lobbyist in his office for said donations. Let alone using affordable housing units for his offices to avoid having to put his Harlem office in a less ritzy part of Harlem when there's a crisis in affordable housing in New York City.

JASON: I mean, take a walk through his Wikipedia page, and it's a long list of embarrassing offenses. He's probably got one of the safest seats in the goddamn world, though.

MEGAN: Charlie Rangel puts Dollar Bill Jefferson's penny-ante "pay me money and I'll introduce you to African dictators" scheme to shame. But, yeah, he's not going anywhere in his district. And I guarantee the "Ethics" Committee's "investigation" will result in a light tap on the wrist — the kind these very Democrats castigated them for when they did it to Tom DeLay — and they'll hope everyone forgets about it.

JASON: They need to find his fridge full of money.

MEGAN: Bitch, please. Charlie Rangel's probably got it in the floorboards of his house in the Dominican Republic. Too bad you can't ask his wife, since he halted their divorce so she couldn't testify.

JASON: True that. Look, this is why I tell people: send your incumbents home! This is what happens when people never lose their seats, ever. Give them a taste of that undeserved immortality...

MEGAN: Another thing to tell people: do not make Fran Drescher the Senator from New York.

JASON: OY. Whatever the opposite of jizzing in my pants is, I just did it.

MEGAN: Well, then, the thought of George Bush kissing Barbra Streisand can't make it any worse.

JASON: Yep. Basically, my left ball is now off on a merry adventure in my bowels.

MEGAN: Hopefully, it will re-emerge by the time your extremely cute wife gets home from work. Otherwise, please apologize to her from me. I don't try to ruin other women's sex lives.

JASON: Hey, he'll just re-emerge stronger.

MEGAN: Is it weird that I'm having a vision of a Lemmiwinks-like quest for your nut?

JASON: Yes. Yes it is.

MEGAN: Sorry. It's been that kind of morning. I just hope you don't cough it up.

JASON: I'm just going to remember touching Kate Beckinsale last week, and I'll be fine.

Ratings are out of a possible five bulbs of garlic.

Bill Compton, True Blood. While he's rather morose and generally humorless, at least he has fangs and doesn't glitter in the sunlight.
Rating: Three garlic bulbs

Claudia, Interview With The Vampire.
Forget Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt: The creepiest bloodsucker in the adaptation of the Anne Rice book was Kirsten Dunst's child monster, all curly hair and demon thoughts. Remember when she brought home the twins for Lestat, and they were poisoned? Evil!
Rating: Three garlic bulbs

Eli, Let The Right One In. You want awkward tweenage love story? You want blood? This Swedish art film delivers, beautifully. Eli is the mysterious girl-next-door; Oskar's a bullied kid who could use someone in his corner. This large-eyed little vamp is simultaneously sweet and unsettlingly menacing. (Check out the trailer here.)
Rating: Four garlic bulbs

David, The Lost Boys. Keifer Sutherland makes it look so cool. He's got chicks, a posse, and a cave hangout. He may or may not make you eat worms and drink blood — but that's the price you pay for hanging with the right crowd! Look, that's Bill, from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure on the far right! See how connected these vamps are?
Rating: Five garlic bulbs

Blade. So maybe he's half vampire. But Wesley Snipes was a badass VOC (that's vampire of color) with a Buddhist outlook, sharp weapons and the advantage of being a daywalker.
Rating: Three garlic bulbs

Selene, Underworld. Since she and her vamp vicious circle were so busy hunting werewolves, they weren't much of a threat to humans, and therefore not very scary. Kick ass and gorgeous, but not scary.
Rating: Two garlic bulbs

Spike, Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Many BTVS fans worshipped Angel, Buffy's brooding first love, but Spike, the devilish, quippy, smart-ass, black nail polish-wearing vamp who once said, "I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it," was actually the better character. Part Billy Idol, part Bowie, part rabid dog, Spike's cuckoo mate, Drusilla, once asked him, "Do you love my insides? The parts you can’t see?" Answered Spike: "Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet!" This is how a vampire thinks: He loves you so much he may dine on you. We never quiet get that from Edward Cullen.
Rating: Four garlic bulbs

Special mentions: Laddie from The Lost Boys, The Count, Dracula, and, of course, Blacula.
Update/Addendum:

Box Office Report: 'Twilight' Sinks Its Teeth Into A Blockbuster Debut [EW]
Why Do We Love Vampires? [iVillage]
Earlier: Twilight At Midnight: Smells Like Teen Spirit
I Was A Teenage Trend-Hater: Despising Twilight Is Big For Fall
Twilight: "Questionable Casting, Wooden Acting, Laughable Dialogue And Truly Awful Makeup"
Breaking Dawn: What To Expect When You're Expecting... A Vampire

[New York, October 29. Image via Splash.]

• As per her custody settlement, Britney Spears will get to see her sons 3 times a week, with two overnight visits and potential for more: It's basically like 40% of the time; not bad. [Yahoo News]
• Britney's new songs are, um, angry. The lyrics to one track: "You know they treat me like an ATM, but y'all know that I’m too good for ‘em." [Mirror]
• Britney made a rare public appearance on Saturday night: she attended Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey's fundraiser for Generation Rescue, an organization dedicated to researching autism. [People]
• Angelina Jolie left the hospital in Nice, France on Saturday, a week after giving birth to twins Knox and Vivienne. "Angelina left at 4 a.m. in a blacked-out ambulance," a source tells E! News. "And she's now back at Château Miraval with Brad, the kids, her brother, James Haven, and Bill and Jane Pitt, Brad's mom and dad." So many people. Full house! [Yahoo News, E!]
• Ronnie Wood of the Rolling Stones went to rehab after being on a "booze marathon," but instead of deciding to back to his wife, he's been pining for the 19-year-old model and cocktail waitress he'd been hooking up with. Maybe he hasn't fully sobered up yet? [Mirror]

• Khloe Kardashian's stint in jail sucked! On her way to the hoosegow, a woman on KK's bus had a seizure. The bus was rerouted to a different facility, but a bomb scare at the jail triggered a lockdown — KK had to go into solitary confinement. Then Khloe was cold, so she asked for a blanket — and was denied. She had to watch videos on how to be a good prisoner and was not allowed to change out of her street clothes. Khloe served 173 minutes. [TMZ]
• Not sure why we need to know this but here it is: Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn are trying to get pregnant. [People]
• Courtney Love wrote a long and rambling MySpace blog post to "Gawker people." [Gawker]
• Frances Bean Cobain is the summer aide at Rolling Stone, but a source says: "she doesn't get coffee for anyone… calls in sick all the time and wears funny outfits." [Page Six]
• Remember how Lindsay Lohan used to live with "close" friend and openly gay Courtenay Semel? Yeah. [Perez Hilton]
• You know how all of the tabloids are reporting on Lindsay and Sam just like any other celebrity couple? Michael Musto says, "I've read things in gossip columns that would never go there in the past and realized, 'Wow, they're going there now.' They don't consider gay a dirty thing anymore. And it's very cool." This is an interesting article about why LL and Sam's relationship is different than other same-sex celebrity relationships that get ignored by the tabloids. [LA Timmes]
• Dina Lohan got Lindsay's age wrong when she was on the CBS Early Show. [Full Disclosure]
• Lance Bass has a new man, a Brazilian personal trainer named Sebastian Leal. Except Sebastian is married. To a lesbian. For green card purposes. And she wants to get divorced so she can marry her girlfriend. Messy. [Perez Hilton]
• Heather Mills is on a £250,000 vacation with her new lover, 36-year-old Jamie Walker. [Mirror]
• Carey Hart on Pink: "We talk all the time and try to stay connected as much as possible. It's a tough situation to be in but I love her to death. I miss everything about her." Sigh. Sad face. [People]
• Jessica Simpson performed her first country show on Saturday night! She was booed. [Perez Hilton]
• Blake Incarcerated is to be sentenced today! Will he be let go? Will he and Amy be reunited? [Telegraph]
• Pharrell Williams is going to be a daddy. The lady in question is a "model type" who travels with him. Naturally. [Page Six]
• Here's a twisty take on the A-Rod story you haven't heard: Alex Rodriguez is "emotionally abused" by wife Cynthia. "Alex has always been into psychotherapy, making himself mentally stronger," a source spills. "He's had several therapists. Cynthia has a master's degree in psychology. Once she found out how vulnerable he was, she got into his head. Several of us begged him not to marry this woman, but he did it anyway." [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "Which newly married diva recently went bananas after reading flirty text messages from her new hubby's ex on his BlackBerry? She locked him out of their (her) house for two nights. Memo to ladies everywhere: If you don't want to know, don't start snooping." [Full Disclosure]
• You've gotta love this picture of Hugh Jackman being "held up" at "gunpoint." [TMZ]
• Pete Doherty has a new ladyfriend, a model named Robin Whitehead. How does he do it? [Mirror]
• Shannen Doherty: Looking forward to appearing on the new 90210. [UPI]
• Shannen will play the director of the West Beverly High's musical. Once more with feeling! [E!]
• DMX has been arrested. Again. That's the second time this month and the third time in three months, if you're keeping track. [UPI]
• You won't see any more of the Verne Troyer sex tape: The law suit's been settled. Small miracles! [AP]
• Darryl McDaniels of Run-DMC had two major blood clots removed from his left arm on Friday. Be well! [AP]
• Is Sean Connery refusing to give his son money to teach the young man to earn a living on his own? [UPI]
• There are "rumored lovers" on the new season of Project Runway and you can click here if you want to know who they are. [ONTD]
• Bravo has picked up Sarah Jessica Parker's art competition reality show. On American Artist, contestants produce a painting, sculpture or other artwork which is judged by a panel of experts. [Reuters]
• Joss Stone is dating Nelly? For real? [Mirror]
• Jimmy Fallon's Late Night will start on the web first. Interesting. [NY Times]
• Is Kelly Osbourne engaged? She's been wearing a ring on THAT finger. Boyfriend Luke Worrell is 18; Kelly is 23. [This Is London]
• Salman Rushdie dates beautiful young women; Brit paper asks, "Just how DOES he do it?" [Daily Mail]
• Three words: L Word spinoff. [UPI]
• Two dudes who are not her father debate whether Miley Cyrus is growing up too fast. [Newsweek]
• Kate Beckinsale's lips "fluctuate in size." [Awful Plastic Surgery]
• The new Gossip Girl ads revel in the show's scandalous reputation. Words like "very bad," "inappropriate," "nasty" and "nightmare" are plastered over the too-hot-for-their-own-good stars. [TVGasm]
• "Ohmygod. You're not going to do this to me, are you? Tell me you're not going to do this. Oh come on! It's been such a long time. Hire somebody that knows enough that we don't have to explain this again." — Gillian Anderson, after being asked why The X-Files is such a big deal. [Newsweek]
• "Lulu is very outgoing, so not like me at all. Max is nasty, mean. He came from two abused homes, so he has baggage. He has short legs and is chubby and hairy, like me before electrolysis. I've learnt a lot from Lulu. When her leg was amputated, she just got right on with her life. No self-pity. She just accepted that she was the Heather Mills of Boston terriers." — Joan Rivers on her dogs. [Daily Mail]

[Los Angeles, CA; Mar 23. Image via INFdaily.com]