Hello and welcome to Selfie Loathing, your Vanity Smurf k-hole sextravaganza. This week: Darren Criss makes an amazing Jareth; Jennifer Lopez is a doll; Dina Lohan is a pot of gold and Kelly Osbourne makes us cringe. Celebrity Instagrams, presented without comment. Enjoy.

Is this crimson? Scarlet? Merlot? Bordeaux? No matter. Love everything: The dress, the hair, the nails, the lips, the lashes, the brows. Brava.

Okay, maybe it's more of a champagne color, but I love this.

After Kris Jenner repeatedly intimated that her show yesterday would feature an "out-of-hiding" Kim Kardashian, and maybe even North West, it was actually a two-second video of Kim in the last five minutes of the show. Which is how these things generally work out.

Match.com enthusiast Martha Stewart cannot, for the life of her, remember why she didn't try to go down to Pound Town back in her days as a preppy young thing who worked at a pastry shop outside a Ralph Lauren store in Connecticut and occasionally sold Hubbell Gardner scones or whatever. Lady, I feel THAT.

Kat Dennings "was in a rut." She needed something "to brighten her day."

Despite the fact that CBS issued a memo warning not to show off breasts, buttocks, or any "puffy" bare skin, celebrities attending the 55th annual Grammy Awards last night embraced sheer fabrics, exposed breast curvature and even displayed nipples. That said, it wasn't a very exciting night for fashion; there were…

As if the cries of "Ten points for Gryffindor!" every time she answers a question in lecture correctly aren't humiliating enough, Emma Watson, returning to Brown to resume her studies in the winter semester, was stopped and questioned by customs at the passport desk at JFK because they thought she was an unaccompanied…

Last night at the TV Guide Magazine Hot List Party, television stars weren't afraid to show their vampy side, or their sweet side, for that matter.

After a Marie Claire blogger criticized Melissa McCarthy's show Mike and Molly in 2010, saying:

Maybe it's supposed to be a running gag. Maybe one of the LA-based writers thinks Brooklyn is chock-full of hipsters (FYI: many, many other people live there — 2.6 million residents!). Whatever the case, 2 Broke Girls has made a choice to have its characters relentlessly mock hipsters. Oh, there are jokes about rich…

When the economy was flush, Michael Patrick King produced a little show called Sex And The City, where women lived in a New York full of champagne brunches, lavish parties and Manolo Blahniks. Last night, CBS aired King's latest show, 2 Broke Girls, where New York gals wait tables, carry tasers and work two jobs.…

Actress Kat Dennings — from The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist and soon to be seen in Thor — is looking smoking hot on the cover of Complex. When asked if she is substance-free, Kat replies yes and explains:

So there's this writer who spams everyone periodically about the site "Everyone Who's Anyone." Which has nothing to do with ELLE's 17th Annual Women In Hollywood Tribute. But from Gwyneth to Jodie and a Zoe in between, everyone was there.

Here are 29 covers from the hallowed, heavy September fashion issues (click to soak it all in). So how do Vogue, Elle, and the smaller titles stack up? Let's put September to a full statistical analysis.

[San Diego, July 24. Image via Getty.]

It's totally demode to do just one look on Oscar night! The ceremony's only half the deal; at VF's annual shindig, it's a whole 'nother ballgame. And plenty of stars skip the ceremony — but everyone goes to Vanity Fair.

Kimberly Brooks' 'The Stylist Project' is a series of oil portraits of, yes, stylists. The exhibition, hosted by Vanity Fair and Dior at L.A.'s LeadAPRON, brought out many of the fashionable elite - impeccably styled, of course.

For pure star power, variety of getups, successes and head-scratchers, the 16th Annual ELLE Women in Hollywood Tribute at Beverly Hills' Four Seasons Hotel scores some serious points. Especially for the spoonful of Julie Andrews.