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July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated

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Shamrockette
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
Next thing you know, they'll have a feature How to put in a tampon. Because, you know, most adult women don't know how to do it right.
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jeepgirl
06/29/09

@Shamrockette: Followed by "How to put on a bra" the following month.
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Hana Maru, used up old slutbag on the pole
06/29/09

@jeepgirl: "How to put a brawrawn"?
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la.donna.pietra
06/29/09

@Shamrockette: Heh. Except that I learned how to put a tampon in from Sassy magazine. It was good advice, too, particularly since my mom was convinced that I wouldn't be a virgin anymore if I used tampons.
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sequined
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
Next month's Allure will feature a flow chart telling you how to get dressed in the morning:

1. pick out coordinating but not too match-y shell and pencil skirt combo

2. coordinate undergarments for perfect peek-a-boo sex appeal

3. put on undergarments--do not put on skirt and top yet

4. put on pantyhose according to the "bunch up one leg in your hands, then roll up to your thigh, repeat with other leg, pull both sides to waist" method

4a. check for runs etc.

5. dance around sexily for your man

5a. stop and provide blow job if he requests

6. put on top

7. put on skirt, tucking top into it

8. coordinate jacket and funky but professional jewelery

End note: if you don't dress like this for your office, you seem to have a job we're not familiar with, since all young women work in the magazine biz and this is how we dress there.
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Aesop's Foibles. YES.
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
At first glance, I thought the pictorial was to demonstrate how to apply deodorant. Which did not surprise me in the slightest. Coming next month! How to properly wipe! Accompanied by photos depicting the correct front-to-back method, in case you needed a visual.
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Sputnik_Sweetheart
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
I can't help but feel these magazines get it wrong. They all say that when you look good, you feel good, but for me, when I am actually feeling good about myself-- when I feel confident and hold my self in high esteem-- I think I am (and feel) beautiful.
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DCDeva
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
I'm starting an online woman's magazine called Manure. It features a review of the four realistic archetypes should model themselves after: the "hood girl," a neck-rolling, teeth-sucking chick from around the way who's sure to keep her man hopping; the "knocker girl," the woman who's smart enough to cash her 401K in for an outstanding pair of breasts; the "femme fatale," who's willing to cut you if you don't think she's hot; and the "erotic capybara," a woman who understands that men are most excited by giant South American rodents.

This month's issue will also feature tutorials on how to wash your hair (resolving the age-old question - rinse, then repeat?) and how to save money in these difficult times by recycling old pantyhose (as coffe strainers, headbands, decorative belts, etc.)
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SunburnedCounsel
06/29/09

@DCDeva: This sounds like an excellent magazine. But Allure has already covered the hairwashing/showering issue with diagrams.
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le monde is rond
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
Oh god, for the past 21 years I've just been hitting myself with a tube of sunscreen. Does that mean I'm pregnant?
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hatepaperdoll
06/29/09

@le monde is rond: Quick, jump up and down!
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Grim Reaper of the Forest
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
I'd pay money for a backscratcher-like utensil that could apply sunscreen between my shoulder blades, for when the pool boy has his day off.
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tscheese
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
Also, has anyone ever actually tried to put a whole teaspoon of sunblock on their face? IT'S NOT AS EASY AS IT SOUNDS. That's a LOT of sunblock.
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spunkay
06/29/09

@tscheese: Yeah, definitely. However, I think a shotglassfull probably wouldn't be enough for my body.
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tscheese
06/29/09

@spunkay doesn't have a middle name: I was gonna say. I have a smallish, standard restaurant-style shot glass (it looks so little next to my giant "FABULOUS LAS VEGAS, NEVADA" one), and I could cover, like, one leg.
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Kali Mama
06/29/09

@spunkay doesn't have a middle name: I think it's allure's subtle way of saying you have too much body to cover. Have you tried the mind altering diet?
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tscheese
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
you're planning on standing in front of a hip-obscuring beam of light at all times

I don't know about YOU plebes, but I carry my hip-obscuring beam of light with me at ALL TIMES.
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Cerridwen
06/29/09

@tscheese: Me, too. It's in my purse, along with my "soft-glow" lighting that makes me look like I just stepped out of an episode of Touched By an Angel.
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jeepgirl
06/29/09

@tscheese: Yeah, but the extension cord is a bitch.
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BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit)
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
Yes, the Big Macs control what I do. We have an agreement and I'm fine with it.
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Kali Mama
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
For all of you bishes that hate the sun equally, I'm in the shade with a decent single malt. Bring your shotglass.
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bowleserised
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
"Cellulite" was invented by the French in the 1970s. Rubens nudes didn't have to worry about it because it didn't exist, Allure. Like most of the "imperfections" you're all about "covering up".
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BabyJane
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
Thank God for the chart telling me how to apply sunscreen. To think that all this time, I've been squirting it in my eye and eating it.
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wtfox?!
06/29/09

@BabyJane: Why else would you put it in a shot glass?
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BabyJane
06/29/09

@wtfox?!: Good point! Stop confusing me Allure!
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mrsryan
06/29/09

@BabyJane: I was setting it on fire! Chart, Huzzah!
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save jinger
06/29/09

@wtfox?!: I assume you take a lick of salt, drink the sunscreen (the coconut-scented kind might be good?), and then suck on a lime. That way you are protected from the inside out. I am definitely buying a round of sunscreen shots next time I go to the beach.
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BabyJane
06/29/09

@mrsryan: Ha!
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save jinger
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
what's finally sexier than a Rubens nude showing her cellulite with romping confidence?

I don't know, guys, this is pretty disgusting. I think we need to circle their cellulite and then use Photoshop to show them what they'd look like with Jessica Alba's ass.

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BabyJane
06/29/09

@save jinger: Dr. Rey?
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Lolita Hazed
06/29/09

@save jinger: And why "finally"?
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sequined
06/29/09

@save jinger: That just looks unhealthy!
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colormeroutine
06/29/09

In reply to July Allure: Sexy Has Never Been So Complicated
Can I hire that beam of light to follow me around at all times?
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wtfox?!
06/29/09

@colormeroutine: You can only get it as part of a package deal, along with the Heavenly Choir soundtrack.
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LaMorena
06/29/09

@wtfox?!: Don't forget the wind machine! Though the extension cord can be a real bitch.
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