Jezebel: judge judy

The Judge Judy Earthquake Episode

Tracie — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 19:00:00 EST

Over the summer, an earthquake in S. California interrupted a taping of Judge Judy. The footage of the hearing was released the next day, but we had to wait until now to and see how it was going to work its way into an actual episode. Here's what happened: JJ restored order almost immediately, and barely acknowledged the disturbance. The case she was hearing at the time concerned a woman suing her ex-boyfriend after he stole money out of her bank account to buy drugs. After the eruption, litigants continued to stick to their sides of the story, and displaying the same selfishness and stupidity. Sometimes even a natural disaster can't shake some sense into people.

Judge Judy Thinks Michelle Obama Is "Dynamite"

Tracie — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 19:00:00 EST

Judge Judy sat down with NYC CBS News reporter Kristine Johnson to discuss various things, from Sarah Palin to Michelle Obama to JJ's mentoring program for young girls. As always, she's very fair: She's obviously an Obama supporter, but doesn't understand how people can say they "hate" Sarah Palin if they don't know her personally. She thinks Michelle Obama is "dynamite" and "quite a partner." The interview that aired on the news tonight is only two minutes long, but the full 20 minute interview is available online to view, and i strongly recommend watching it. She talks in further detail about her mentoring program for girls, saying, "The problem with women is that, historically, they don't know their worth in the workplace. They'd prefer to be liked rather than respected. [We] shouldn't have to choose between the two. We should be both." She's a living testament to that!

Judge Judy Sheinlin: Life Away From The Bench [CBS News]

This Week We Crashed At The Intersection Of Fashion And Politics

Jessica — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 18:30:00 EDT

We spent way too much time talking about Sarah Palin's sexy secretary garb and how much it cost and/or did not cost. But what we really want to know is how Palin gets her hair so big. Maybe her bouffant is built out of campaign secrets and the souls of unborn babies.
Maybe all Sarah needs is a good talking to from Tyra and Judge Judy. Then she'd learn to keep her receipts in order!
She has about as much sense as these crazy cat people. (We kid, we love them.)
But probably a lot more sense than Elisabeth Hasselbeck, whose t-shirt wearing antics have torn The View asunder.
Breaking: Goop makes us gassy.

Maybe that's why these Urban Outfitters moddles look so bummed out: they're suffering from a severe case of soy farts!
Also a bummer: potential voter suppression.
Interviewing Sarah Haskings confirmed our suspicions that she is awesome.
Attention It Girls, it's Friday. So rock out with your grillz out and have a great weekend.

Comic Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Sarah Palin

Tracie — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 18:00:00 EDT

As soon as John McCain announced that Sarah Palin would be his running mate, everyone was so quick to judge her. But now that we know her — and her politics — a little better, we kinda wished she'd stayed tucked away up there in Alaska. But really, who are we to judge Sarah Palin? Let's leave it to the professionals, and let Judge Judy hold court with the Caribou Barbie.

Judge Judy Hates Screaming When She Has Laryngitis

Tracie — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 19:00:00 EDT

Sometimes you forget how horrible people people can be to one another. And then you watch Judge Judy and you are reminded of that fact all over again. Today's case involved a woman suing her sister for identity theft. The defendant was involved in a car accident about five years ago, and gave her sister's information instead of her own. Her sister didn't know anything about it until recently, when she got divorced and had to get an apartment of her own, and learned that she couldn't because her credit was all fucked up. The plaintiff managed to track down the other woman involved in the accident and brought her as a surprise witness in front of Judge Judy. That woman had actually saved the original piece of scrap paper that the defendant had scribbled her sister's information on. Stupidly, the scrap paper the defendant had used was a mailed out coupon that had her real name on the reverse side. She was totally caught red-handed! However, she still insisted she'd done nothing wrong, which pissed JJ off even more, because she had to scream at the defendant while also suffering from laryngitis. Clip above.

Judge Judy Really Hates Freeloading Losers

Tracie — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:00:00 EDT

On today's episode of Judge Judy, a woman was suing her ex-boyfriend for money she lent him for bail and for "going down to Daytona for bike week." As soon as JJ ascertained the guy's situation — he's separated, not divorced, from his wife; doesn't have a job; doesn't pay child support for his four kids; and mooches off of different girlfriends — she decided he was a loser. She tried to remember the "L is for loser" hand symbol that her granddaughter taught her, but she needed some help from Bailiff Byrd. In other news, I learned one more life lesson from JJ while watching this episode: Don't date a man unless his divorce is finalized or the body of his dead wife is six feet under.

Earlier: 10 Invaluable Lessons I Learned From Judge Judy

10 Invaluable Life Lessons I Learned From Judge Judy

Tracie — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:00:00 EDT

A few years ago, I was backing out of a parking space, when a woman flagged me down to tell me that I'd just hit her car. She showed me the damage to her bumper, which had paint marks of three different colors, none of which matched the color of my car. She said that we wouldn't have to involve authorities or my insurance company if I just paid to repair the damage. I knew I was being scammed, but couldn't just drive away because the woman already had my plate number. So I thought about what Judge Judy would do, and told the woman to call the cops, because I knew that JJ would say that if I'd done nothing wrong, I shouldn't be afraid to involve the police. The cops showed up, took one look at my car, saw that it hadn't been washed in ages, and pointed out that I couldn't have possibly hit the woman's car, because none of the dust on my bumper was disturbed. It was then that I realized that Judge Judy has been instrumental in teaching me to act like a responsible adult. After the jump, the 10 life lessons I learned from JJ.

1.) "Um" is never an answer.
When you're asked a question (particularly if Judge Judy is the one asking) don't ever, ever, ever begin your answer with "um." It makes you look stupid, and more importantly, it makes you look like a liar. And no one wants to look like a stupid liar.

2.) Beauty fades, dumb is forever.
A lot of people try to coast by on their looks. And that might work for a while, but eventually those people won't be as conventionally attractive as they were in their youth. If you don't wise up and learn to use your brain instead of your body, you'll have a way tougher time getting by in life. However, while beauty does fade, there's always tasteful plastic surgery to keep it from going completely down the tubes.

3.) Don't ever co-sign on a loan.
Unless you're married to someone, you should never co-sign on a loan, because both parties are jointly and individually responsible for repayment. So if you co-sign with a boyfriend for a loan on a car, and then you break up, and then he decides to be a dick and not make the payments, your credit will get royally fucked up.

4.) Honestly is the only policy.
If you tell the truth, you have nothing to worry about or be afraid of, because shit won't come back to bite you in the ass. Case in point, the woman who accused me of hitting her car. She was totally lying, which is why she didn't want me to call the cops. But I was telling the truth, so I had nothing to be afraid of.

5.) If you are going to lie, you have to have a really good memory.
So if you do plan on lying to get out of a situation, you need to be smart, because stupid people always get caught in their lies. Think the entire thing through, cross-examine yourself in your head. Think of every possible scenario which could trip you up, and memorize the shit out of your story. Or, you can just go with lesson #4 and never lie to begin with.

6.) If you help out a boyfriend/girlfriend financially, it does not automatically turn into a loan at the end of the relationship.
If you pay your BF's parking tickets, and then six months later you break up, you can't go asking for that money back. You should've been asking for it back during those six months that you were together. Think of the lost money as an expense for a bullet dodged.

7. Put on your listening ears.
If someone is talking to you, don't pull an Elisabeth Hasselbeck and utilize the time to think of what you're going to say when the person is through talking. Actually listen, and maybe you'll learn something.

8.) You can't put your hands on anybody.
Sometimes the idea of punching someone in the face is so fucking tempting that you can hardly stand it. But you really shouldn't ever resort to hitting anyone, because it just makes it seem like you aren't smart enough to win your argument with words. However, if they hit you first, you can go apeshit on them in "self-defense."

9.) Parents don't borrow money from their children.
Unless you're trash or a Lohan. And nobody wants to be trash or a Lohan.

10.) Don't be an idiot.
There's a lot that falls under this category. Like not forgetting to bring receipts and bank transactions to court when you're suing someone. Or not keying the car of your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Common sense is underrated. For this category, think of Judge Judy holding court in your conscience. You'll never make a stupid decision ever again.

"Do Girls Like To Get Their Toes Sucked?"

Tracie — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 19:00:00 EDT

It's time for another installment of Pot Psychology, the "advice" column in which we attempt to solve everyone's problems with an herbal remedy. (Remember, kids: Don't do drugs!) In this episode, Rich helps me answer questions about puking, crushing, and dining halls. Got a burning question? Send it to potpsych@jezebel.com. (Please keep them short; they're verrrry hard to read when stoned.)

Do Girls Like To Get Their Toes Sucked? from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

Judge Judy Tells Father His Kid "Has Problems"

Tracie — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 19:00:00 EDT

The case featured on today's episode of Judge Judy involved a fight on a school bus between one (very well-dressed) 9-year-old kid and a bully a few years older than him, who punched the young boy in the nuts, kicked him in the back, and drop kicked him, causing injuries that needed medical attention. The bully has been suspended from school two other times for getting in fights, and was suspended from the school bus three times in one year. Yet, his father doesn't seem to think the boy has a problem. Ha! Of course, Judge Judy let him know a thing or two. Clip above.

WWJJD

Tracie — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 12:40:00 EDT

Judge Judy was interviewed for an article that ran in the Guardian today, and it only reinforces the fact that she's one of the most awesome women in the world. Writer Fay Weldon says that JJ "seems motivated less by ambition than by a genuine social conscience." When asked about the upcoming election, JJ says that she's a friend of John McCain, but she likes Obama because he "represents youth and hope and the capacity to trust." Weldon goes on to say that it's "a pity McCain didn't choose her, rather than Palin, for his running mate. Her idea of solving juvenile delinquency by having every woman implanted at birth with a contraceptive chip, to be taken out only on request, might cause some controversy. But one can see her point. At least every child born would be a wanted child, and not — as she sees it as being in the US — the result of an accident and a bottle of vodka." [Guardian]

Judge Judy Ditches The Doily

Tracie — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 11:10:00 EDT

London, October 7. Image via Flynet.

Judge Judy Is A Human Bullshit Detector

Tracie — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 18:40:00 EDT

There was this nut on Judge Judy today who sued her neighbor, claiming that her neighbor killed her cat, and stole her dog and jewelry while she was in the process of moving to Vegas. I don't know if I'd ever be able to be a judge, because I'm not impartial enough; when I hear that someone skips town to go to Vegas for 4 months, leaving behind her pets and belongings (not to mention her 8-year-old son, who was staying with his grandfather), I automatically think that something is wrong with her. However, JJ only needed to listen to this woman's story, and ask her a series of tricky questions, to figure out that — in JJ's words — she was "full of baloney." You can't get anything by her! Clip above.

Judge Judy To Crazy Eyes Lady: "Stop Looking At Me Like That!"

Tracie — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 18:00:00 EDT

The description on my cable guide for today's episode of Judge Judy indicated that it would be an awesome show: "The emotional burial of a pet Chihuahua leads to a violent assault between family members." The plaintiff was suing his brother for medical and dental bills after his brother and nephew beat the crap out of him, while his sister-in-law held him down. The defendants were on edge because they were burying their dog, and the plaintiff just happened to be there for them to take out their aggressions. The plaintiff's sister-in-law is the one who started the whole fight, and she had crazy eyes during the entire hearing, which hilariously led JJ to scream at her, "Stop looking at me like that!" Clip above. More crazy eyes stills after the jump.

Judge Judy Explains The Difference Between An "Accident" And "On Purpose" To Confused Litigant

Tracie — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 17:00:00 EDT

Today on Judge Judy, the defendant was a horrible, horrible person. She was being sued by her sister, who had graciously loaned the defendant $1500 to bail the defendant's friend out of jail. The defendant found out that the friend no longer needed the bail money, so she went out and bought herself a new wardrobe and refused to return the money to her sister. Two weeks later she totaled her sister's car, and refused to pay for the damages because the wreck wasn't an "accident" but an "act of God." Oh and she didn't have an license. This defense did not fly with JJ, natch. Clip above.

Judge Judy Keeps Order In Her Court, Kicks Everyone To The Curb

Tracie — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 13:00:00 EDT

Yesterday's episode of Judge Judy seemed routine enough: Some girl stupidly signed for a loan on a car for a guy she just met who also happened to have a suspended license. Two weeks later the guy dumped her to get back together with his baby mama, and, in the interim, damaged the car. (She repossessed the vehicle and now he's suing her for the down payment, while she has a counterclaim for the cost to repair the car.) Simple enough, right? However, both parties, and all the accompanying witnesses, couldn't keep their mouths shut and continued to speak out of turn. Don't they watch this show!? After repeated screaming, "Put your hand down!" JJ had enough and threw them all out of her court, one by delicious one. Clip above.

Judge Judy Says "Whatevs" To Spreading Herpes On The Internet

Tracie — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 19:00:00 EDT

Judge Judy is always talking about how she doesn't like computers and she doesn't use the internet, but even though she's not technologically savvy, she still seems to have a pretty good grip on the milieu of internet commenting, particularly that of MySpace. In a case today, a man was counter suing a woman who posted on his MySpace page that he has herpes. The glitch is that he told her he did. Basically, according to JJ, we just have to understand that the internet is a place where people will be mean assholes, and they can pretty much say whatever they want, so long as they believe what they are saying is true. Clip above.

Judge Judy On Sarah Palin, Creationism, And A Woman's Right To Choose

Tracie — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 16:30:00 EDT

Judge Judy was on The View today, and I knew it would be good because she's actually close personal friends with B. Dubs. (They took a cruise together with Cindy Adams two years ago.) I wasn't really aware of any of JJ's political viewpoints, but I only assumed — because she relies so heavily on logic — that they would makes sense. I was right! JJ discussed Sarah Palin, and while she said she was a "dynamic woman," she doesn't believe in teaching Creationism in public schools and she believes in a woman's right to choose. She continues to be my hero. Clip above.

Comic Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Crazy Hillary Supporters

Tracie — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 17:00:00 EDT

Even after Hillary Clinton's speech last night, in which she called for a unified party, there are still devoted Democrats and/or Clinton supporters who are retardedly deciding to vote for John McCain, essentially undermining their right to choose in order to spite their official nominee. But there was one particularly crazy lady, a member of "Clintons 4 McCain," whose shrillness and lack of logic stood out from the pack. Chris Matthews tried to hand her the business, but we know a woman who is a little more qualified for the task: Judge Judith Sheindlin.

Earlier: Clintons 4 McCain Crazy Takes On Chris Matthews

Yesterday's Earthquake Shakes Up A Taping Of Judge Judy

Tracie — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 10:00:00 EDT

The earthquake in Southern California yesterday was a doozy, clocking in at 5.4 on the Richter scale. The good news is that there were few injuries as a result. The better news is that someone released footage of a Judge Judy taping that was taking place during the event. So what would Judge Judy do in the midst of such a shake? She would get the fuck out of there! She was the first one to jump out of her seat, and knowing her logic, she was probably standing in a doorway somewhere. There was momentary chaos as the audience in the studio scattered and the lights on the ceiling looked like they might fall down. Unsurprisingly, the plaintiff and the defendant were the only people who just stood there like idiots. Does JJ have to tell them tell them how to do everything?

This Week We Were Not Afraid To Be Servicey

Jessica — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:00:00 EDT

Slut Machine finally revealed her makeup secrets by painting the tender, bearded visage of Gavin McInnes.
Sadie debunked the art of the Facebook photo, and proved that every last one of us is a loser.
Technicolor Kiddie Swimsuit EXTRAVAGANZA!
Moe is a Jezebel no moe. But don't worry, she'll be sticking around these parts in spirit and in Crap.
In our dream world, all insane divorce cases would be tried in the court of Judge Judy.
LOLHillz!
LOLVogue! Week of 10,000 LOLZ!

Teri Garr reminded us that there are still many funny, funny ladies in modern film who we'd like to befriend.
Estelle Getty is a friend who will be missed.
Even though working during a beautiful summer's day is the pits, it's the weekend, y'all! So enjoy your damn selves.

WWTWSD

Tracie — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 09:20:00 EDT

Imagine our surprise when we found out that Tricia Walsh-Smith — aka the YouTube divorce lady — actually liked the Judge Judy comic strip smackdown we created yesterday evening. She even linked it on her personal website. At least she has a sense of humor. [Tricia Walsh-Smith]

Judge Judy Vs. The YouTube Divorce Lady, Tricia Walsh-Smith

Tracie — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:00:00 EDT

On Monday, a judge granted a divorce to Philip Smith from Tricia Walsh-Smith, on the grounds of cruel and inhuman treatment. Tricia made a name for herself in April when she began posting googly-eyed rants about her divorce on YouTube, complaining that her husband was evicting her from her Park Avenue apartment, and going on about what a terrible person he is. It seemed to have hurt her case in divorce court, as the judge upheld her prenup. So we decided to send her to a different court: That of Judge Judith Sheindlin.

Judge Judy Is The Most Logical Person On Syndicated Television

Tracie — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:00:00 EDT

It's always entertaining when Judge Judy rips someone a new asshole, or calls someone a "marginal person," or chews someone out for having questionable parenting skills, but I think she really shines when she's displaying her impeccable bullshit detector. On an episode that aired today, a woman was suing her ex-boyfriend for money she lent him to pay off his credit card bills. His defense was that his ex-girlfriend was told by her lawyer that she needed to spend some extra money, or else she'd have to give it back to her ex-husband because he'd overpaid on child support. JJ immediately saw that this made no sense whatsoever, and let him know. Clip above.

Judge Judy Has Zero Sympathy For Idiots And Their Offspring

Tracie — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:00:00 EDT

Maybe it's because Judge Judy worked in the NYC Family Court system for years and years that she's particularly sympathetic to other municipal workers, like the plaintiff in this clip. He's a cop who pulled over the defendant's husband and son, who were going 100 mph in a 50 mph speed zone in their Lotus, attempting to street race with a Corvette. The defendant's wife decided to make trouble for the cop, and filed a complaint against him for "mistreating" her son because he is Hispanic; the cop is suing the woman, claiming the complaint is frivolous, and damaging to his employment record. Judge Judy totally agrees. Listen to the lashing she gives the defendant, her husband, whom JJ refers to as "Mr. Idiot", and their son.

This Week We Went To Prom And Got Incarcerated

Jessica — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 18:00:00 EDT

You sent us your prom pictures! There were many a mullet. We bet that one of you slept with your mulleted prom dates in the back of a Trans Am.
Judge Judy will always be our superhero.
We met a profesh douche named Dmitri.
Anne Hathaway's No goodnick (now ex) boyfriend Raffaello Follieri turned out to be a total con artist. Instead of yachting on the Riviera, he's going to be yelping at Rikers.
We fell in love with Mary Kate Olsen just a little.
It's Friday. Shake your insured booty all weekend long.

Comic Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Amy Winehouse

Tracie — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 16:20:00 EDT

After we read about that Rolling Stone article about just how close to death Amy Winehouse is, we decided that if her parents, her handlers, or rehab can't get through to her, we know who can: Judge Judy! She is our superhero and she is about to save our damsel in duress of crack.

Earlier: Rolling Stone Writer Convinces Us That Amy Winehouse Is Going To Die

Conceptual Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Latarian Milton

Finally, Someone Who Understands That "Um Is Not An Answer"

Tracie — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 19:00:00 EDT

These two men — former boyfriends — were on Judge Judy because the plaintiff was suing for loans he made to the defendant when the two were a couple. They are both kind of ridiculous, but the plaintiff takes the cake since he's suing for a broken table, a cookie jar without a lid, and a broken cuckoo clock. The best though, is that he even made JJ stifle a laugh when he told her that he "realizes" that um is not an answer. Clip above.

Conceptual Confrontations: Judge Judy Vs. Latarian Milton

Tracie — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:00:00 EDT

Have you heard the news? Latarian Milton — the little boy who stole his grandma's SUV, totaled it, and decided that his punishment should be "no video games for like a weekend" — will appear on Judge Judy this fall. His grandmother is suing his mother for damages to her car. We're like peeing our pants in anticipation of what JJ will say to this kid. So we decided to play make believe and create a comic strip of what might just happen during his episode. The matchup, after the jump.

The Modern Wedding Ceremony: Full Of Patriarchal Pitfalls!

Jessica — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 15:00:00 EDT

Perhaps diamond rings are "profoundly anti-feminist," but what about those other deeply entrenched wedding traditions? Where did those come from and are they secretly evil? Mental Floss has done a round-up of 8 common rites of marriage and boy, is it informative. Apparently brides didn't start wearing white until the sassy Queen Victoria "wore a pale gown trimmed in orange blossoms for her 1840 wedding to her first cousin, Prince Albert." After that, the adoring commoners copied her, and thus a tradition was born. But beyond that, most of the old school ceremonial stuff does have profoundly anti-feminist origins. Particularly patriarchal: your father giving you away.

"Next time you tear up watching a beaming father walk his little girl down the aisle, remember that it’s just a tiny, barbaric little holdover from the days when daughters were nothing but dollar signs to daddy dearest," writes Jenn Thompson. "And that veil she’s wearing? Yeah, that was so the groom wouldn’t know if he was stuck with an uggo until it was time to kiss the bride and too late to back out on the transaction." Heartwarming! But here's the real question. Have these acts become divorced from their original meanings in a thoroughly modern world? I probably want my dad to walk me down the aisle when I get married, not because I think he owns me or because my husband-to-be is my "master", but because I really love my dad and I think it would be sweet to show our affection and connection in that ceremonial context.

If thinking about the patriarchy's influence on your beloved traditions has got you down, Thompson also describes some weird wedding laws that might cheer you up. My favorite is this one from Montana, which states that a couple can get married without even having to show up to court. "This miracle marriage is done by way of a 'double proxy' ceremony. Particularly popular with soldiers deployed overseas who wish to get married without coming home on leave, this type of marriage is arranged through a lawyer, who then hires two proxies (anyone with a free afternoon and a desire for some extra cash) to come sit before the judge, recite the vows and sign the marriage license on behalf of the absent bride and groom." Or, as Thompson points out, this kind of thing would be fantastic for the extremely lazy. Just picture it: you and your dude (or your lady), sitting on the couch in some nice A/C, wearing your skivvies, and getting married while watching Judge Judy.

The Bizarre Origins of 8 Wedding Traditions[Mental Floss]
Weird Wedding Laws Still on the Books [Mental Floss]

Earlier:Dude Says Diamonds Are "Profoundly Anti-Feminist," And Not Just Because He Can't Afford One [Jezebel]

WWJJD

Tracie — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 11:20:00 EDT

Remember Latarian Milton, the unapologetic 7-year-old little boy who stole his grandma's SUV and crashed it all around town because he wanted to "do hood rat stuff"? Well, CBS News is reporting that his case will be taken to Judge Judy! His grandma, Vikkita Stratford, is suing his mom, Ashley Milton, for $5,000 for damages resulting from the incident. The episode will air in the fall. What will Judge Judy do!? [CBS via Dlisted]

Judge Judy Is A Human Lie Detector

Tracie — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 18:30:00 EDT

This nutbag was on Judge Judy today, suing two women for false arrest. It's really so crazy that she thinks that she even remotely has a chance in front of JJ. The plaintiff almost hit a car that the two defendants were driving. Then all three women got in a verbal altercation that led to assault, instigated by the plaintiff. Then the plaintiff got in her car and tried to mow the two defendants down in a parking lot, and rammed her vehicle into theirs (which by the way, a four-month-old child was in). JJ told the woman that her story was "a crock." LOL! Then she dismissed her case. Clip above.

Judge Judy Puts Herself In "The Big House"…Her Own

Tracie — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 12:00:00 EDT

What would Judge Judy do? Well, apparently she's taken the millions upon millions of dollars she's made through her syndicated TV show to build an elaborate family compound in Connecticut that rivals most hotels. I would give my right arm to see it (please, please feature this place, MTV Cribs!). JJ's good pal Cindy Adams gives us the rundown on the digs in her column in today's NY Post:

The compound includes the guardhouse plus guest house, pool house, four-car garage, staff quarters, five acres of gardens with fountains, statues, benches, urns and a pond featuring enough koi or carp or flounder to feed the first seating at Le Bernardin…13 bathrooms with gold-plated fixtures, three floors, 24,000 square feet, eight bedrooms, including a "snoring room" off the 75-by-42 master suite (should Jerry get noisy), 10 hand-carved marble working fireplaces, 26-foot-high ceilings, [and] a conservatory.

Day-um! But wait, there's more!

Apparently, the kitchen area/family room the is the largest in the state of Connecticut, seating 40. (JJ and her husband Jerry have 5 children and 11 grandchildren.) There's also "a red plush fully equipped theater with 50 seats, candy concession stand and popcorn machine. At another end, a wine cellar" that Cindy says puts the Plaza to shame, not to mention "a heated pool and spa and massage room, a playroom with pool table, pingpong table, etc., and a large state-of-the-art gym. Also for Judy personally—who's size 2 and, even standing on her IRS forms, only 5-ish feet tall—an enormous custom tub hand-carved from Rosa Aurora stone in Portugal. Says Mark Mariani: 'I put in a small drain so we don't lose her.'"

Seriously, though, Judes deserves it. She slaved away in the family court system in NYC for years because she actually really cared about what happened to those children. (If you ever get the chance, you should watch the original 60 Minutes profile on her from 1993, before she had her TV show. We clipped it here.)

What was funny was that when I was looking for an image of JJ to go with this post, I went to our tag of WWJJD, and was cracking up alone on my couch looking at the series of faces she's making. I compiled them here in this post for your viewing enjoyment:

DON'T JUDGE JUDY BY HER PRICEY DIGS [NY Post]

Judge Judy Doesn't Get The Whole "Friends With Benefits" Thing

Tracie — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 18:30:00 EDT

A guy was on Judge Judy today, suing a girl for $600 he said he'd loaned her for a security deposit for her apartment. According to the defendant, the two were sleeping together, and the plaintiff spent an entire month living in her apartment, but the two weren't "seriously dating." JJ couldn't really comprehend that. It's obvious she's not familiar with fuck buddy-ism. Anyway, this poor guy wanted to be the defendant's BF, but she wasn't having it, so he decided to sue her for the security deposit. He really should've just left well enough alone, because he ended up getting publicly humiliated when the defendant described a crying fit he had on her bathroom floor when she broke off their unofficial dating, and JJ ended up dismissing the suit anyway. Clip above.

Loose Lips

Jessica — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 17:50:00 EDT

Break out the baby wipes! Terrence Howard is planning to release his debut album, Terrence Howard – Me and the Band of Kings, on September 2. According to People one of the tracks, "Sanctuary," was inspired by "a coincidental meeting with Seal and Heidi Klum at a Hollywood party." Um…okay. • Lance Armstrong played coy when questioned about new gf Kate Hudson on The View. Yawn! • Aw, TMZ caught Jezebel fave Judge Judy bossing her husband around. WWJJD indeed. [People, Us, TMZ]

Judge Judy Is Totally Justified In Calling This Woman A Moron Three Times

Tracie — Wed, 28 May 2008 18:00:00 EDT

In this Judge Judy case, a man is suing his ex-wife for the cost of a paternity test and lost wages after she told their 6-year-old daughter that he might not be her father, because she had been sleeping with another man at the time. JJ had a field day with this one, as you can imagine, and awarded the man the full amount he was suing for. (Note to self: Start calling assholes "marginal people" more often.) Clip above.

WWJJD

Tracie — Tue, 27 May 2008 15:20:00 EDT

This is the best tattoo in the history of the universe. (Click image to see the full version.) [EW]

Judge Judy Settles Domestic Dispute In 20 Seconds Flat

Tracie — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:00:00 EDT

We all know that Judge Judy doesn't suffer fools gladly, but in an episode that aired yesterday, she suffered one very, very quickly. A girl was dating an ex-convict. She gave him money and let him stay at her apartment for months without receiving any rent or living expenses. Now that they're broken up, she's suing him for that money. JJ tells her to "get a life"! LOL! clip above.

Earlier: Judge Judy Teaches Wife Beater To Have Respect For Women

"Is Being A Deadbeat Dad An Automatic Dealbreaker?"

Tracie — Fri, 16 May 2008 16:20:00 EDT

It's time for another installment of Pot Psychology, the advice column in which everyone's problems are solved with an "herbal" remedy. (Remember, kids: Don't do drugs!) In this episode, my friend till the end, Rich, helps me dole out advice on stuff like pubic hair, threesomes, and boners. Got a burning question? Send it to tips@jezebel.com with "Pot Psychology" in the subject line. (Please keep them short; they're verrrry hard to read when stoned.)

P.S. No animals were drugged in the making of this video.

Deadbeat Dad Shows Up Stoned In Judge Judy's Court

Tracie — Fri, 09 May 2008 11:00:00 EDT

As far as pet peeves go for Judge Judy, irresponsible parents are right up there with "um" as an answer. Yesterday's episode featured a man was being sued by his ex-girlfriend for the money she spent on his DUI fines and looking after his children, whom child protective services had taken away from their mom. (The children now live with the defendant's paternal grandparents.) The guy doesn't have a job, likes to party, and appeared to be high as a kite during his hearing. None of that escaped JJ, who challenged him to a drug test. Clip above.

Barbara Walters On Oprah: "Star Jones Was So Obese She Could Barely Walk Onto The View Set"

Tracie — Tue, 06 May 2008 20:00:00 EDT

Barbara Walter's memoir Audition hit shelves today, and she appeared on Oprah to talk about it. Babs has spilled her guts into this book, and it's a true tell-all, since she's telling every fucking thing there is to tell. She went into detail on some of it with O, namely, Star Jones (first she was fat and nice, then she got thin and annoying), Rosie O'Donnell (she has severe emotional problems and would scream at Barbara in fits of rage), her torrid 2-year affair with a married black politician (she never considered herself a mistress), her troubled adopted daughter (who was on drugs and ran away from home), and her mentally-disabled sister (whom she resented for being mentally-disabled). B. Dub said she was actually considering naming the book Sister, because her sister has been such a huge influence on her life. (Could you imagine!? Nobody would ever guess that Sister was an autobiography of a white woman knocking on 80 years old!) Clip above.