• Mark Wahlberg married his longtime girlfriend Rhea Durham yesterday in a small ceremony in Beverly Hills. "She looked like a princess and beyond stunning. Mark looked ecstatic," says a source. So much for Nicole 4 Eva! [People]

• In more wedding news, Ali Larter was married this weekend, as well, to actor Hayes MacArthur in Kennebunkport, Maine. [USWeekly]
• And Milla Jovovich is set to walk down the aisle on August 22 to marry her fiance of six years, director Paul W.S. Anderson. [DailyMail]
• Demi Moore, meanwhile, will celebrate her fourth year of marriage to Ashton Kutcher by adopting his surname. "Demi didn't want to change her name at first because it didn't seem right but now she finally feels ready," says a source. [ShowbizSpy]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have allegedly had a bit of a tiff over their final resting places: "Angelina initially wanted to be buried beside her ex-husband Billy Bob (Thornton)," says a source, "She bought his and hers cemetery plots in Louisiana but since then she's changed her will. She's been trying to persuade Brad to make a decision on where they should be buried but he thinks the whole thing is morbid." [DailyMail]
• Pitt has been dealing with the stress by retreating to his separate two-bedroom home, where neighbors say he has been "playing Nick Drake quite loudly." Oh, dear. [DailyMail]
• G.I. Joe star Channing Tatum says he loves being a newlywed: "We've been together, and nothing's really changed. It's pretty much the same as I've felt every day since I met her – and that's just about perfect." [People]
• Disturbing: Charles Manson allegedly runs a memorabilia business out of his cell, selling autographs to morbid collectors. [PageSix]
• Whitney Houston won't be singing live on Good Morning America this September; instead, her performance will be taped the day before, as Whitney "is not a morning person" and would rather not perform at 7:30 am. [PageSix]
• "Michael, after 50 years of waiting, God has finally called you home to do what you do best. He shared your extraordinary talent with us all for many decades and now it's time for you to spread your wings to a much higher level, which of course I know you will do, and join the other angels and give them an incredible eternal performance. Keep the angels smiling, Joker!"- LaToya Jackson, in a post on her website, dedicated to her brother Michael. [USWeekly]
• Jackson's death has been devastating for his mother, Katherine Jackson, who currently has custody of his children: "This pressure is tearing her apart physically and emotionally," says a source, "At her age and in her fragile state of health, more exertion could trigger another stroke. She has full time nursing care but the strain is visibly taking its toll." [DailyExpress]
• Judd Apatow's Funny People won the Friday box office with 8.6 million dollars. [EW]
• Kate Gosselin has reportedly purchased a condo in Rockville, Maryland that's only about a mile away from the home of her bodyguard, Steve Neild. [E!]
• Blind Item:"Which Oscar winning actor has used this as a chat-up line? 'Why don't you to come back to my trailer and let me impregnate you? Think about it – 20 grand a year for life.'" [BlindGossip]
• "I could not be happier. I'm absolutely thrilled with her as a person, as an actor. I've gotten to know her a bit over this time, and I can't speak highly enough of her."-Joan Jett, approving Kristen Stewart's portrayal of her in The Runaways. [ONTD]
• Courtney Love has allegedly been taking the growth hormone Genotropin in an attempt to slow the aging process. "Courtney has been struggling with her weight,' says a source, "She's been using the hormones to help her gain muscle and for anti-ageing and likes the results. But she's not very discreet. She even left a vial of it in her LA hotel room." [DailyMail]
• A source claims that Jessica Simpson's Barbie and Ken themed birthday party was the last straw for Tony Romo, who broke up with Simpson the night before the party was supposed to take place: "There was no way Tony was going to dress up like a Ken doll. He never would have lived it down. His teammates would have roasted him to death. But sadly, Jess just didn't get it!" [ShowbizSpy]
• "I love kids, don't get me wrong, because without them I wouldn't be where I am today, but they do follow me around to the most peculiar places. And they're very loud! When they start screaming it's sweet to see how enthusiastic they are, but I'm going to go deaf sooner than most people. It's impossible to calm them down when they start, I just cover my ears."- Vanessa Hudgens [ShowbizSpy]
• "I don't drink, so how am I going to meet people? I'm going to go up to a drunk guy and be like, ‘Hey, let me take advantage of you'? Not that I'm antisocial. I am kind of antisocial. It's just so intimidating to go from, like, ‘You want to play basketball and get to know each other?' to ‘Let's go on a date and see if it might get dirty.'"- Charlyne Yi on the difficulties of dating. [NYTimes]

[Image via WENN]

Though it seems Judd Apatow's name has been attached to nearly every comedy in the past few years, the ubiquitous advertising for Funny People stresses that this is only the third film he's written and directed himself.

His movie concerns George Simmons (Adam Sandler), a comedian who made a fortune starring in sophmoric comedies (not unlike Adam Sandler) who now lives by himself in a mansion without many friends. Years ago, he lost the love of his life when he cheated on Laura (Leslie Mann), who is now married to another man (Erica Bana) she suspects is cheating on her. When George learns he's dying from leukemia, he has no close friends to share the news with so he tells Ira Wright (Seth Rogen), an aspiring stand-up comedian, who he hires to be his assistant.

The first half of the film explores the relationship between George and Ira and the two sides of the L.A. comedy scene, contrasting George's lonely life after having achieved fame and Ira's relationship with his two roommates (Jason Schwartzman and Jonah Hill) who are still struggling to get into the business. Then, when it's revealed that George's disease is in remission, the movie shifts focus to George trying to rekindle his relationship with Laura.

Several critics describe Adam Sandler's performance as "a revelation," but some are disturbed that the character doesn't have a heart of gold beneath all the put downs and penis jokes (of which there are many). Most complain that the film, which runs almost two and a half hours, is too long, and some even say the entire second half of the movie should have been cut. But overall, critics find the film deeper than Apatow's previous ventures, even if - once again - it's a comedy about boys learning to be men. Below, the reviews.

The San Francisco Chronicle

Funny People is a true brass ring effort, a reach for excellence that takes big risks. It's 146 minutes, with a story that's more European in feeling than American. It's not tightly structured but concentrates on the characters and their lives. There are no comic set pieces, and the personalities aren't exaggerated. Virtually every laugh comes simply from people saying funny things that they know are funny. And then there's the story, the biggest risk of all, about a major screen comedian (Adam Sandler) who finds out that he has a rare blood disease with a grim prognosis. But don't let this stop you. Funny People is anything but morbid and there's nothing maudlin or laugh-clown-laugh about it. Apatow trusts in Funny People that his audience will find interesting what he finds interesting - the world of comedy, the people in it and the people drawn to it.

The Chicago Sun-Times

The thing about Funny People is that it's a real movie. That means carefully written dialogue and carefully placed supporting performances — and it's about something. It could have easily been a formula film, and the trailer shamelessly tries to misrepresent it as one, but George Simmons learns and changes during his ordeal, and we empathize. The film presents a new Seth Rogen, much thinner, dialed down, with more dimensions. Rogen was showing signs of forever playing the same buddy-movie co-star, but here we find that he, too, has another actor inside. So does Jason Schwartzman, who often plays vulnerable but here presents his character as the kind of successful rival you love to hate.

Rollling Stone

Mann, one of the strongest arguments for nepotism in the business, is simply sensational in the role, finding the right blend of humor and heartbreak in a woman who is understandably reluctant to give her trust to a man. Laura's divided loyalties are symptomatic of the film. Apatow has many stories to tell, too many. Ira's life in the house he shares with two competitive friends - a riotous Jonah Hill, as a fellow writer, and a terrific Jason Schwartzman (he also did the music) as an actor who stars in the deliciously demented sitcom Yo, Teach- could be its own movie, and a good one.

The Washington Post

And, like that film, Apatow has found the perfect actor to embody the dark side of fame in Sandler, who may be uniquely qualified to play a man who is universally loved but not very likable. As he did in Punch-Drunk Love and Reign Over Me, Sandler wisely underplays in Funny People, never begging for sympathy even when George is at his existential nadir. Indeed, viewers could see Funny People almost entirely as a commentary on Sandler's own persona, as he assumes the funny voices and accents that have made him a star, strumming his guitar to compose improvised ditties about (what else?) Ira's nether regions and, later, the contempt he feels for his own audience.

It's these moments that make Funny People a brave movie, especially for a filmmaker who could so easily coast on the joke/setup/joke paradigm he's so profitably mastered. Instead, Apatow has decided to make a long, somewhat shapeless movie that steadfastly refuses to adhere to a rigid narrative structure. The result is a story that feels loose-limbed and slightly messed up, following its own idiosyncratic course to get at truths that can't be contained in three acts. At nearly 2 1/2 hours, Funny People is arguably too long, but in the final analysis it earns that running time, if only because it's that rare mainstream Hollywood movie that feels genuinely spontaneous, unafraid to keep the audience just a little bit confounded and off-balance.

The New Yorker

The Adam Sandler of Funny People is a revelation. George Simmons has the remorselessness of a man without illusions, and he's frighteningly intelligent. He penetrates people's defenses instantly, spots the weaknesses and fears that they're covering up. Sandler shifts moods adroitly; he surprises us with his sudden outbursts, in which a comic's timing turns bitterness into wit... The meaning of Funny People is that a comic can't be saved by anyone, not even himself. There is only the next joke.

Has there ever been a movie with so many penis jokes? George sings a melancholy song about his member; Ira and Leo are obsessed with the sex they're not getting, but onstage they don't talk about women-they talk about their own, and other men's, equipment. This is the Apatow touch-the male panic about women which seems to veer toward homosexual attraction and then pulls back.

Reel Views

Funny Peopleis a different sort of movie, because it's more of a drama, and an uncomfortable one at that, than it is a comedy. Any relationships, whether male/female romances or male/male bonding, are secondary to Apatow's fascination with the travails of a misanthrope who is living under a death sentence. The movie will challenge Apatow fans and Sandler devotees. It's a brave move that is partially undone by pacing problems and a lack of focus. Despite having obviously been cut to bring down the running length, Funny Peoplestill clocks in at nearly 2 1/2 hours, and that's too long for these characters to sustain audience interest. The movie wears thin its welcome a couple of reels before Apatow has finished telling his story.

Overall, however, Funny Peopleis pretty grim. Not only is it wearying to spend 2 1/2 hours in the company of a bipolar, self-absorbed creep, but the story is told in a choppy, uneven manner. For a while, it appears that Funny Peoplewill balance things out between George and Ira. For the first half of the movie... There's a buddy vibe. Then, things are suddenly all about George and Laura re-kindling their long-dormant love, with Ira being shunted to one side, held in reserve to baby-sit Laura's kids and spearhead the contrivance that allows the movie to arrive at the climactic confrontation that brings everything to a head.

Slate

Funny Peoplehas the shagginess and overambition of a "sophomore novel," but as with many sophomore novels, it's the flaws that make it fascinating. It's too long, but scene by scene, it's never boring. The story unfolds in leisurely swaths that could be regarded either as rich explorations of character or self-indulgent digressions. It's that niceness problem again; Apatow loves his characters, and his actors, not wisely but too well. He can't bear to sacrifice one joke, one tear, one chance to ogle his pretty wife and frequent leading lady, Leslie Mann. And though she and his buddies may love him for it, that all-inclusiveness is harming Apatow's work.

It's this last act that's received the most criticism (and which likely contains the 30 minutes that Universal unsuccessfully tried to get Apatow to cut). And there's no question the tonal shift is jarring, with romantic farce (Laura's husband comes back early from a business trip, interrupting her and George's idyll) replacing the black comedy of the earlier movie. There are also some scenes that beg for excision: I could have done without any shots of dogs licking peanut butter off the leads' faces, much less an extended montage. Yet some of the movie's strongest dramatic moments also take place in this baggy final third.

Variety

While it has its moments, this long latter stretch drains the picture of what little momentum it had and switches the focus to Laura and her own marital problems, which are annoying and not entirely convincing. Beset with persistent disappointment over a thwarted career while living in paradise with lovely kids and a hunky, if errant, mate, she's just not an interesting or even very tolerable character, her behavior stemming entirely from confusion, panic and emotional impulse. Mann hits all the surface notes, but never reveals anything beneath the manic surface.

The Village Voice

Mercifully, Funny Peopleis probably the least bathetic, self-pitying movie about death and dying to come out of Hollywood since Albert Brooks'Defending Your Life. When he receives his diagnosis, George doesn't sit around feeling sorry for himself, or set out on some inspirational quest to do everything he ever wanted to do before he dies, or any of the other things people in movies tend to do in these situations. Instead, like probably most of the people you and I know who have faced similar bad news, he resolves to fight this thing the best he can and get on with the business of living.

In fact, there's so much that's so disarmingly good and sharp about Funny People that you wish the whole movie weren't so much of a shambles. I've seen the film twice, and both times, exactly halfway into its two-and-a-half-hour running time, I have felt the cabin shudder and noticed tiny fissures forming in the fuselage.... It's hard enough for a movie to withstand the introduction of a whole set of major characters past the point when most movies are wrapping things up, and it's even harder when those characters feel so incongruous to everything that has come before. On one hand, Laura and her brood shouldseem incongruous to George and his solitary life, but the feeling is one of unintentional mismatch.

The Boston Globe

Yet the final hour, which takes place over a long weekend in Marin County, goes nowhere slowly. The point - George may be cured but he's no better - is lost amid the unfocused farce, and it's up to Eric Bana to walk away with the honors as the ex's husband, a cheerfully neurotic stud. The only way to salvage this part of Funny People would have been to hack it off like a diseased limb, and I say this as someone with an unhealthy admiration for the charms of Leslie Mann. The problem is that Apatow is stuck between gears. (That, and there's probably no one around him to say no at this point.) Hiring the great cinematographer Janusz Kaminski (Schindler's List and so on) means little when a director lacks a distinct visual sensibility. Trying to honestly portray the way people simultaneously need and use each other is impossible when all the characters can do is talk about each other's testicles.

The New York Times

That rekindled flame, Laura, is played by Mr. Apatow's wife, Leslie Mann, a brittle, lightweight comic talent who giggles and flutters right on cue, widening her eyes at George with obligatory adoration. She's fine, but the gushy romance she brings with her is a drag. As is true of almost all the female characters in Mr. Apatow's movies, Laura's role is to help George grow up, to get out of both his own head and insular masculine world. Yet while this dynamic worked in The 40-Year-Old Virgin and to a lesser extent in Knocked Up, in this movie the romantic complications are primarily situational: she's married. Honor, rather than George's ego (it isn't in remission) stands in their way, which gives him - and Mr. Apatow - an easy out.

Salon

Funny People is an ambitious, misshapen picture that feels like two, maybe even three, separate movies uncomfortably jammed into one. Apatow has gone for "quality" with a capital "Q": Shot by Janusz Kaminski, the movie has a classy glow. Much of it takes place in the lush interiors of comfortable but expensively appointed interiors, and Kaminski shoots them so they look desirable one minute and like prisons the next — they're visual symbols of the complexities of success. That's particularly true in the first section of the picture: George's house is a lavish wonder of Moroccan lanterns and plush couches, but he wanders through it like a lost boy.

Time

On its surface, Funny Peopleis about stand-up comedians who have a love-hate obsession with their penises. In the movie's many stand-up routines, Apatow surely breaks the feature-film record for dick jokes, including one told by Andy Dick. It ought to be called Funny Penises.

Apatow has mixed humor and heart before, but never humor so raw or heart so bleeding. He sets up his audience to go for the gross, then tell them to feel deeply for the folks he's been making fun of. He wants it both ways, and gets neither. Many of his fans, without begrudging his stab at working outside his comfort zone, will beg him to please, please, go back and make Judd Apatow movies.

• Joe Jackson says the rumors that Michael Jackson has a secret son, 25-year-old Omer Bhatti (not pictured!), are true. "I knew he had another son, yes I did," said Joe.

• He added: "He looks like a Jackson, he acts like a Jackson, he can dance like a Jackson…" When asked if Omer may become an entertainer Joe replies, "I don't know. I can't say that yet. Not until I see it happen," and gives a creepy laugh. Part of the News One interview is available here: [News One, E!]
• This morning on The Early Show, Katherine Jackson's lawyer announced that she will get custody of Michael Jackson's three kids and Debbie Rowe will have visitation rights. He added, "Mrs. Jackson is coping by continuing the business of love and serving as that rock for the family. She's the Rose Kennedy, the Coretta Scott King of the world's entertainment business, really. And she's coping by continuing to give love, and that's all she's ever done. Mrs. Jackson is gonna keep going strong and, with the love and support of her family, she'll be fine." [CBS News]
• When Jude Law announced that he's fathered the child of an anonymous woman yesterday, many speculated that it was Rachel McAdams' sister. Now several news outlets are reporting that it is indeed Kayleen McAdams. Kayleen is reportedly seven months pregnant and only told Jude recently. Rachel is said to be "pissed" about the situation. [Star]
• But Kayleen's rep denies she's having Jude's baby, saying "The story is completely false. She has never even met him." [Radar Online]
• A photographer has filed a police report because he claims Mel Gibson ripped his shirt after he got too close to him and pregnant fiancée Oksana Grigorieva. No charges have been filed. [E!]
• Police sources say their investigation revealed the photographer made up the story and that there is no way Mel Gibson could have reached the man because he was wedged in a booth behind his fiancée. Witnesses say he was asked to leave at least three times and his shirt wasnt' ripped when he left the club. [TMZ]
• Here's a picture of the man whose shirt Mel Gibson allegedly tore. The tear isn't as scary as the way the man's face was blurred with Photoshop. [TMZ]
• Though Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush denied infidelity was the cause of their split, both have been accused of cheating. A source says Reggie found incriminating texts from Kanye West on her phone. Now a "sexy Latino model in Miami" is claiming she had an affair with Reggie. She's threatening to sell her story to the highest bidding tabloid, so we expect to read all about her in Midweek Madness soon. [Radar Online]
• Here's video of Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush taken during their trip to Africa on behalf of Russell Simmons' Diamond Empowerment Fund right before they broke up. [People]
• A source claims that Mischa Barton was hospitalized because she tried to kill herself because she was fired from The Beautiful Life, but was later rehired. Her rep denies that she tried to commit suicide or was ever fired. [E!]
• Mischa Barton's Beautiful Life co-star Nico Tortorella says, "She's doing great, and is ready to work... Everybody wants to see her get better and I think she will. I'm here for her; I think we all are. She has good people fostering good situations." [The Mirror]
• Jon and Kate Plus 8 returns on Monday. TLC has revealed that Kate Gosselin will say about her kids, "It is not their fault that what has transpired has transpired... And it is my new attitude that I'm going to do things I've never done before. That is what has stemmed out of all of that — 'I can do.'" [Entertainment Tonight]
• Sources claim Kate Gosselin bought an apartment in Rockville, Md. to be closer to her (married) bodyguard Steve Neild. [CBS News]
• But now Kate's changed her mind and won't be moving to Rockville after all. [Radar Online]
• A source close to Kate explains, "She is not buying or renting in the area. Kate was having lunch there, and after spending a total of one hour in a restaurant that has condos for sale above it, a rumor began that somehow, suddenly, she was buying a condo there. She didn't even know there were apartments for sale there. It's totally false." [People]
• Oh no. Are Heidi and Specer Pratt expecting a child? This obviously staged photograph of Heidi holding baby clothes as Spencer rubs her belly says yes. [The Sun]
• Two Ohio police chiefs have been arrested for allegedly conspiring to break into the home of Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate, along with a third man, the mayor of Bridgeport, Ohio's son. [TMZ]
• Katherine Dieckmann, director of Uma Thurman's new movie Motherhood says a cameo in which Jodie Foster is hounded by the paparazzi was inspired by Sarah Jessica Parker. "I would go to that playground all the time and poor Sarah Jessica Parker would come with her son and she would be harassed!" Dieckmann said. "She literally could not push her kid on the swing set without a picture being taken. I just saw a picture of [pregnant] Heidi Klum at that park. They come here and stalk people." [E!]
• Ashley Tisdale says of the paparazzi, "They're outside my house all the time. It's kind of annoying. Sometimes I'll go about my day by myself and there are 40-year-old men taking pictures of me and I don't know who they are. They should start wearing badges." [Reuters]
• Aliens In The Attic producer Barry Josephson says he wanted Ashley Tisdale to be in the movie because she's the "new generation Reese Witherspoon or Jennifer Aniston." Um... ok.[Reuters]
• Here's a video of Zac Efron bungee jumping. [People]
• Production of Jessica Simpson's reality show The Price of Beauty has to be rescheduled because of her split from Tony Romo. "The plan was to shoot most of it around Tony's football schedule so she could support him through the season," said a show staffer, "Now they're busy redoing the whole shooting schedule." [Us]
• Someone filmed a video of 19-year-old Kristen Stewart drinking a Heineken during an on-set party for The Runaways, then not buckling her seat belt as she drove away. The video has been taken down because her publicist says it was illegally shot on private property. [Perez Hilton]
• Nikki Reed has solved the mystery of why so many girls are in love with her Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson. "Rob is sort of feminine looking and I think young girls like boys that look like women," she said. [People]
• Heath Ledger's family stopped going to the movies after his death, but they broke their "movie fast" at a screening of Adam on Tuesday, which stars Ledger's childhood friend Kane Manera. [The Daily Express]
• Dominic Monaghan says he his newfound fame after Lord of the Rings "was hard - I had a tough year, I had a tough year and a half. Kind of too much drinking. Too many late nights hanging out with the wrong women - maybe the right women but at the wrong time. Kind of going off the rails a little bit. I think maybe I had to do that personally to get over the rollercoaster ride that Lord Of The Rings was." [The Daily Express]
• Foreigner is releasing a three disk set of new and classic songs exclusively at Wal-Mart. Mick Jones says the band made the deal with Wal-Mart because, "To me, the most important thing is that the band regains recognition again and proves in a way that it is a force. It's been around for 30 years, and there are few other bands that have been around for that long. I'd like to regain our position in that club." [AP]
• Paula Abdul is back in the U.S. after a trip to England. She still hasn't worked out her American Idol deal, the folks at Radar just wanted to let you know where she is. [Radar Online]
• Last weekend, Tim McGraw stopped during a performance and kicked a guy out because he was "being abusive" to a woman he was with. He told the crowd, "You don't treat a woman like that." [TMZ]
• Pink says of MTV's Video Music Awards, "Last year I got to jump out of a window at the VMAs in L.A. "This year I can't wait to blow the roof off Radio City in New York." [People]
• Courtney Love Tweeted: "@taylorxmomsen shut the FUCK up you overpriveliged bratty bitch that picked one every freak in high school mention my name again? BAM... if i was pissy about every chick that every bit me id be busy indeed your just annoyingly cloyingly wrong. WORKWITHYRHANDS." Too bad @taylorxmomsen doesn't exist. [N.Y. Magazine]
• On Friday Christina Aguilera's online radio channel on Clear Channel's "iheart radio" network will debut. It will feature "interviews, news, personal commentary from Aguilera as well as her favorite tunes." [AP]
• Jani Lane, lead singer of Warrant, will spend two days in jail after pleading no contest to DUI charges. [TMZ]
• This interview with Jeremy Piven may be slightly entertaining if you're into his new movie The Goods. [CNN]
• Amy Poehler will return to do Weekend Update on the first two episodes of Saturday Night Live next season. Really! [Entertainment Weekly]
• In a recent interview Leslie Mann said of husband Judd Apatow, "He's growing up and learning more about women so he's able to write better female parts," but then reconsidered and said of Katherine Heigl calling Knocked Up sexist, "I kind of don't know what she was talking about, I'm an actress reading scripts and I've seen what's out there and it's slim pickings. Judd does write great female parts." [CBS News]
• Ashton Kutcher autographed his own face for the new cover of Parade. Here's some more about how much he loves Demi Moore: "The real trick is putting yourself around people you admire. That's why I married my wife. I locked in the brightest light in the room. My wife and I have an agreement in our marriage, and part of that contract is that we are going to shine our lights on each other. … My relationship with Demi is so solid, thank God, and we're so communicative about the way that we're feeling, that we don't allow space to come between us." [JustJared]
• "I used to cry almost every night [when I was in high school]. My parents would say, 'Don't worry. College will be better!'... With high school, for many people, it's just a case of trying to keep breathing and getting through it. I'd have felt more like a normal teenager if I had a boyfriend. But I never did. And I didn't like any of the guys in school. In fact, they all seemed so simplistic that I really could not see myself dating any of them." — Lisa Kudrow [The Telegraph]
• Mark-Paul Gosselaar says he's not worried about Dustin Diamond writing a Saved By The Bell tell-all book because, "What is he going to say? We were banging groupies at 14? I can't wait to read his book, because I don't have a memory of a lot of the shows. Maybe it was because I was doing lines off of the audience members' asses. I'm sure he's going to write something crazy like that. The truth is─the reason why the show worked and why it's still on today─we were good people and good to each other. We were innocent, naive kids. We were not jaded. So him writing a book, I'm not really afraid of what he has to say. There are not too many skeletons in my closet." [Newsweek]
• Susan Sarandon's daughter Eva Amurri took three weeks of pole-dancing lessons for her role as a stripper on Californication. When asked if her mom approves, she replied: "My mom came to a strip class with me, actually. She had been so curious about it, and she tried a little bit. She was awesome." [NY Magazine]

• Jennifer Lopez "threw a fit" when guests were late to her 40th birthday bash:

"An Evening With Lola" was supposed to be perfect — Lola is Marc Anthony's nickname for Lopez, and she entered the party to the song "Whatever Lola Wants." Bu there were empty seats when the dinner started and Jennifer was "fuming." [Gatecrasher]

• Rihanna and Chris Brown: In the same NYC hotel for about two days. "It was just a coincidence" and they never saw each other. [NY Post]
• Jon Gosselin: "I care about Kate Major, she resigned from her job for me. Right now, my focus is on my relationship with my kids. My personal relationship is private." [E!]
• But! Jon says: "At this point ... I'm single – per se. I'm just a regular guy who just wants to have friendship and good times. And I like meeting people." Uh, what? What about Hailey Glassman? "She's always a good friend of mine. Her family is so good. They took me in and I lived there for a while. I love them to death." Okay, so are you together? "We are going to chill out for a while and see where it takes us. I'm not looking for anyone." And what about Kate 2.0? We are just friends." [People]
• Jon shopped Madison Avenue and spent $950 on one pair of shoes. [Page Six]
• Kate Hudson! Alex Rodriguez! Kissing! At Yankee Stadium! [NY Daily News]
• Were Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart forced to be apart at Comic-Con, since the focus was supposed to be on Kristen and Taylor Lautner instead? [E!]
• It's official: Nadya Suleman has signed a reality show deal and each of her 14 kids will earn $250 a day. Taping begins September 1. [Us Magazine]
• Kate Moss has signed up to be a judge on Simon Cowell's new battle of the bands show, which attempts to discover an unsigned group. [Mirror]
• Carly Simon was a surprise guest (via speakerphone) at Simon Cowell's 50th birthday on Saturday and joked that "You're So Vain" was about him. [The Sun]
• Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul are still trying to wring more money out of American Idol. [LA Times]
• David Beckham had yet another confrontation with a fan during a Los Angeles Galaxy match; this time some dude allegedly dissed Victoria. "What he was saying about my wife was a disgrace," Bekcham says. [BBC News]
• Because he doesn't have more pressing things to worry about, Amy Winehouse's father Mitch has recorded an album with some Frank Sinatra covers and his own songs. [The Sun]
• Now that they're divorced, Blake Fielder-Civil is talking about the time Amy almost died in his arms from a drug overdose. [Daily Mail]
• LeAnn Rimes and husband Dean Sheremet are separated. This news comes right after last week's Midweek Madness revelation that LeAnn and Eddie Cibrian are still having an affair. Eddie's wife says she and her husband are "taking some time apart." So make of it what you will. [Us Magazine]
• Dean's Twitter reads: "Thanks to everyone for all the support through a very difficult time!" [People]
• If you want to read some "what went wrong?" speculation about LeAnn and Dean's relationship, go ahead. [People]
• Robert Plant was in a car crash but he's okay. [Telegraph
• Orlando Bloom has decided not to appear in the next Pirates of the Caribbean film; because everything "tied up nicely for his character Will Turner." [Daily Mail]
• Farrah Fawcett left her estate — a couple of million dollars — to her son, Redmond, but nothing to her "long-term lover" Ryan O'Neal. [Daily Mail]
• PETA hearts Hayden Panettiere. [Page Six]
• BREAKING: Adrian Grenier buys drinks for ladies. [Page Six]
• Candy Spelling is communicating with Tori Spelling via TMZ now. [TMZ]
• Leslie Mann says being married to Judd Apatow has its perks: "I haven't had to audition in a while. I'm the worst auditioner ever. And no, I didn't have to audition for [Funny People]." [USA Today]
• Michael Jackson's "secret Norwegian love child" claims his mom was employed at Neverland as a nanny; while his dad was a driver. Sing: The kid is not my son. [Daily Mail]
• "Michael Jackson's strenuous rehearsal schedule was causing him to lose 5-6 pounds a day, according to his nurse Cherilyn Lee." [MSNBC]
• Ugh: Seems like Dr. Conrad Murray gave Michael Jackson Propofol, left the room, and when he returned, Michael was dead. He did CPR, but it didn't work. Paramedics wanted to pronounce MJ dead at the house but Dr. Murray wanted him taken to the hospital, where even after doctors gave up, Dr. Murray continued CPR. Strange behavior for a doc. And if all this is true then OK! had a picture of a dead body on its cover. [TMZ, TMZ]
• Dr. Tohme Tohme has revealed that he has turned over "secret" money given to him by Michael Jackson for the purchase of a home in Las Vegas. [Mirror]
• Peter Jackson says he's about 3 or 4 weeks away from turning in a draft of a script for The Hobbit. [LA Times]
• Something about Katherine Heigl and her costar's penis, in that romcom that came in well below the guinea pig movie at the box office this weekend. [E!]
• True Blood season 3 teases at the link. [EW]
• Plus! True Blood video: Anna Paquin, Alexander Skarsgård, and Stephen Moyer speaking in their real accents. [EW]
• For next year, Lost is bringing back characters from season one. "Just trust us," executive producer Carlton Cuse asks. [Reuters]
• Meet the new Real Housewife Of Atlanta: Kandi Burruss. [CNN]
• Protect your ears: Carrie Prejean sings. [TMZ]
• Javier Bardem turned down the role in Oliver Stone's Wall Street sequel, and now Josh Brolin is being offered the part. [Deadline Hollywood]
• "Is John Travolta cracking up? It's not just grief - and guilt - over his dead son that are tearing the actor apart." [Daily Mail]
• Boy George was blocked from becoming a Hare Krishna because of his homosexuality… in the late '80s. [Daily Express]
• It's too early for a Joe Francis video about bribing and girls. [TMZ]
• "Rachel Hunter is leaving Los Angeles and returning home to New Zealand to get over being dumped just weeks before her wedding," [Daily Express]
• Billy Bob Thornton's estranged daughter: Free on bail. [UPI]
• An arrest has been made in connection to the death of American Idol contestant Alexis Cohen. [TMZ]
• Katie "Jordan" Price didn't get a role as a "naturally sexy" large-breasted Irish nanny in the Sex And The City movie sequel. [The Sun]
• Retro gossip: Bob Dylan wanted to make sure he got paid when he did a screen test for Andy Warhol. [Page Six]
• HBO scored highest among 15 networks for its representation of gay characters last season, according to a report released today. [AP]
• "I've hugged those breasts. There aren't many people who can say that." — Allison Janney on Dolly Parton. [Page Six]
• "It feels really good to be able to buy a place by myself. It is time for me to move. I have lived in a condo and it's just time. I've always wanted to buy a big house myself and it is so gratifying to be able to." — Kim Kardashian. [People]
• "Surgery was a success, now I just have to let it heal. I am totally jazzed that they found the problem, fixed it and in about four months my hand will feel like I am 18 again." — Eddie Van Halen. [UPI]
• "I didn't want to act. It wasn't like I was waiting in the wings, like All About Eve. It was a refuge, and I found to my surprise that I liked these people." — Hugh Dancy. [NY Times]
• "Years ago one of my mentors, Orson Welles, told me, 'A career is made not by what you do but by what you don't do.' But so much about these past few years has been about saying yes, and it's really paid off." — Cybill Shepherd, who will play a former witch on the new ABC series Eastwick, based on The Witches Of Eastwick. [NY Times]
• "I always look at a script and say, 'Can I do my thing? Can I pop?' If it's a small part, can I pop, can I make an impact with this part? . . . I don't want to be pegged as something definitive. I want to be chameleon-like." — Kyra Sedgwick. [LA Times]
• "She's so smart we wanted her to find a cure for AIDS or something. We were pretty firm about her finishing her education but when we saw how talented she was we finally said okay." — Blythe Danner on wanting daughter Gwyneth Paltrow to do something other than acting. [Daily Express]
• "I was student council president. I even had my own office. I was a cheerleader, too. I found out about cheerleader camp and heard that there were about six guys and 3,000 girls, so I signed up. It was a precursor for a rock-and-roll career." — what Chris Isaak was like in high school. [WaPo]
• "If we're going to do a Rescue Me movie, and I joked about this a couple of years ago when they brought it up … and I said, 'What if we do a Rescue Me movie, so it's the Rescue Me cast, but they're not firefighters and it's a zombie movie.' And they were like, 'What?' And I was like: 'How cool would that be? It's the Rescue Me cast, but it's a zombie movie.' And they were like, 'No.' And I was like, 'Well, that's the only way I'm doing it.' Like 'Shaun of the Dead, like a funny, real scary zombie movie. … They didn't go for it." — Denis Leary. [UPI]
• "No one in my family watches it. My wife, my mum, my sisters; they've never watched it. I don't think it even occurs to them." — Dominic West, on The Wire. [Telegraph]
• "The No. 1 demographic of high school dropouts are Latino women. I know there are economic factors for why young Latinos are so undereducated, but it also starts with what we place importance on as a culture. We have to empower the next generation to accept education as a way up, and I believe you have to start with the women so they can pass it on to their kids." — America Ferrara, at a commencement speech for Kaplan University. [UPI]
• "I kicked some major butt. It was many, many, hours, days, and months of stunt training and strength training, but it's fun because I had a goal. The goal was the Lycra catsuit." — Scarlett Johansson on preparing for her "unforgiving" Black Widow costume. [People]

In answer to claims that his movies are sexist, Apatow says,

I think, really, what a lot of these issues are is that women are romanticized in movies. [My] movies go pretty hard at having women have as many problems as men. They make mistakes that are as big as men's. So when someone says Knocked Up seems sexist, I'm like, ‘Really?' I mean, Seth [Rogen] has an earthquake, and he grabs his bong before his pregnant girlfriend. That's pretty bad. But I try to weigh it evenly so it's not really about men or women; it's just about miscommunications and us at our worst. Because people at their best I don't really want to watch in entertainment. I don't really want to watch mature people or smart people or people who do the right thing. I like to meet them in life, but I don't find them entertaining. And certainly not funny. So I feel like the worse people are, the more amusing [it is] and the more I root for them to figure their shit out.

Of course, no one has said that the men in Apatow's movies are model citizens. In fact, a major criticism of Knocked Up was that Heigl's character was actually too good for Rogen's immature stoner, and that her decision to stay with him was unrealistic. Apatow sees these criticisms as not just wrong, but anti-Semitic. He says,

Isn't that the code? 'Shiksa goddess shouldn't be near the Jews?' Diane Keaton was pretty cute. How did Woody Allen get her? I have my own shiksa goddess.

Whether or not Knocked Up's critics are anti-Semitic (some of them may well be simply looksist), Apatow has a lot to say about Rogen's charisma:

He's gruff. He's kind of a character; he has this vicious sense of humor, but he's also very sweet. And you root for him, because as tough as he is, you kind of know his life is probably tricky. He's a really great underdog guy with a big heart who will always try to do the right thing.

He's my De Niro, basically. Scorsese's a little man, and he's got tough De Niro to play Scorsese onscreen. I have Seth Rogen.

This statement, along with the information that a key scene from Knocked Up was lifted directly from Apatow's life, may shed more light on his philosophy than anything he says about sexism. His movies aren't really about bad people — they're about bumbling people, who are sort of trying to do the right thing even as they wonder what the right thing is and why they should care. And more specifically, at least in the case of Knocked Up, bumbling men. The men manage to win the affection of non-bumbling, together women, because they're funny, and because at heart they are basically nice. Apatow may see himself as one of these semi-hapless dudes, and if so, his movies must be pretty comforting for him — they show that immature guys can pretty much be themselves, and women will still love them.

It's not the worst message in the world, it feels pretty true-to-life, and it doesn't make Apatow a sexist. All his movies are really guilty of is reinforcing the kind of annoying idea that women are more grown-up than men — or that they have to be. And while he says his films "go pretty hard at having women have as many problems as men," it would still be nice to see his women get to have some "male" problems for once — like whether to save the boyfriend or the bong.

'Some People Hate My F***ing Guts': Judd Apatow Talks Sexism and More in NYC [Movieline]
'He's My De Niro': Judd Apatow on the Gruff, Underdog Virtues of Seth Rogen [Movieline]
Judd Apatow, Live In NYC, Talking Sexism, Masturbation, And The Commercial Prospects Of Funny People [NY Mag]

• "We're very much in love. Especially her. We're actually going to tie the knot next Tuesday." — Gerard Butler, joking with Conan O'Brien about the Jennier Aniston rumors. He continued:

"And then on Saturday, I'm marrying Cameron Diaz. Joan Rivers will be the next weekend." [Daily Mail]

• Will Angelina and Brad try to save their "troubled" relationship by making a sequel to Mr. & Mrs. Smith? "This time around the Smiths will have children, and the kids' antics will be part of the story line," says an insider. "[Brad] is hoping they'll fall in love all over again." Consider the source on this, mmkay? [National Enquirer]
• Even though Britney Spears is supposedly dating her agent, Jason Trawick, she's recently spend a lot of time alone with producer Dallas Austin. [Page Six]
• Kiefer Sutherland's headbutt-related court appearance: Postponed. [Mirror]
• After a deadly stage collapse, Madonna's concert in Marseille, France, has been canceled. [Mirror]
• One stage worker was killed yesterday when the roof fell apart at the Velodrome Stadium in Marseilles where Madonna's concert was supposed to take place; another worker passed away today from injuries suffered during the accident. [ET]
• Lady GaGa has been dumped by gentleman friend Speedy after a photo of Ms. GaGa snuggling up to another man made it in to The Sun. [E!]
• Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil: Officially divorced. [The Sun]
• So you know how Bethenny Frankel is getting her own show on Bravo, Skinny & The City? Turns out there's already a website called skinnyandthecity.com, and the founder, Tanya Zuckerbrot, is in talks with attorneys. Obviously. [Gatecrasher]
• Robert Pattinson and some buddies drank and ate a whole bunch at a restaurant in New York, and then only tipped $50, which was under 15%. But, the waitress says, they were "very nice and friendly." Work that magic, sparkle vamp! [E!]
• Mischa Barton, who was placed on psychiatric hold at an L.A. hospital last night, is "dealing with a lot of personal issues," says a source. [People]
• Mischa Barton was supposed to take part in a WWD photoshoot for her new show, The Beautiful Life, yesterday. Executive producer Karey Burke told the paper: "She is sick. She has to get well so that she can be healthy in order to start actual production next week." [WWD]
• Here we go, you knew this was coming: "Drugs, alcohol and out-of-control partying have been a central part of rehab-graduate Mischa Barton's life for at least two years." And a source says she went to a Cold War Kids show in February and "She tried to hook up with the lead singer but was turned down and ended up coming on to the drummer. She was a mess." [RadarOnline]
• "Judd Apatow's new movie, Funny People, is a two-hour-and-20-minute film about a comedian with a deadly illness. It was shot by the cinematographer who did Schindler's List.… [The movie] is a risky departure from the comedic formula that Mr. Apatow first employed in 2005 with The 40-Year-Old Virgin and refined with 2007's summer hit Knocked Up." [WSJ]
• Jack McBrayer, who plays Kenneth The Page on 30 Rock, got his very first Emmy nomination! He says his character's relationship with Alec Baldwin's character Jack Donaghy is key: "I could not be more honored to work with him. I swear to God. [Laughs.] First season we were all scared to death of him." [E!]
• Behold: A book containing a collection of images and poems; "trees and the memory of trees, ghosts, words, nights, days, lives, deaths, and safe haven for them all…" "If you daren't enter the forest, or cannot find it, then perhaps you might find one tree, or a place where a tree could be, and just stop for a quiet moment to see what happens." The book's author? Viggo Mortensen. [Perceval Press]
• Orlando Bloom was back in L.A. yesterday to check on his home, which was broken into earlier this week. When pestered on video, he says, "Worse things have happened, it's really not a story." [TMZ]
• Debbie Rowe is suing a woman for allegedly fueling reports that Rowe is willing to surrender her custody rights over her two children with Michael Jackson for millions of dollars. [ET, TMZ]
• Pepsi responds to the recently released footage of Michael Jackson being burned while filming a Pepsi commercial: "We don't know how the footage became available. Twenty-five years later, we'd question why anyone would want to share such frightening images," says Pepsi spokeswoman Nicole Bradley. [Rolling Stone]
• A fire captain who was at the Pepsi commercial filming blames the director, whom he overheard tell Michael: "Stand [under the sparks] longer, you'll look more majestic." [TMZ]
• Katherine Jackson is finally grieving: "She's been crying a lot. Her eyes are constantly red. She can't believe Michael is gone." [People]
• The LAPD has already been treating Michael Jackson's death as a homicide; now the probe is being called a criminal investigation. [TMZ]
• The L.A. County Coroner's office needs another two weeks before it releases the Michael Jackson autopsy report; several outside consultants have not finished their reports, and all tests results are not in. The coroner will not release partial results. [TMZ]
• Okay, this report is insane. Paul Gohranson, the former gay lover of Dr. Arnold Klein, claims that Michael Jackson's father "beat him sterile." Gohranson says: "I asked Arnold why couldn't Michael Jackson use his own sperm and he said Michael was unable to produce kids, physically. Arnold told me of two occasions that Michael Jackson said he was hit in his private area… Joe said something like: 'You're a sissy and if you're a sissy then you don't need balls' and proceeded to hit him…" There's more. [The Sun]
• Tito Jackson says Michael was "so quick" that father Joe couldn't catch him, when Joe wanted to beat Michael with the belt. But you know, siblings remember things differently. [NY Times]
• Warren Beatty doesn't want cameras at his deposition in a dispute with the Tribune Co. over the rights to cartoon detective Dick Tracy. [AP]
• A man threw a bicycle into the path of James Caviezel while he was riding his Harley Davidson motorcycle, and Caviezel suffered cuts and bruises. According to a state trooper, the man may have have thrown the bike due to "mental issues." [Mirror]
• "Jackie Bissett's Death in Love role inspired by her cat." [LA Times]
• "After two kids, you're outnumbered. So once you cross having three, having four is not such a big deal." — Taylor Hanson, on the arrival of his newest child, Viggo Moriah Hanson. [People]
• "I've been heartbroken before, and I didn't want to make light of it. As much as the movie does find humor in it, I don't think the laughs have to be shallow." — Joseph Gordon-Levitt, on new film 500 Days Of Summer. [LA Times]
• "I grew up around a lot of boys, so I'm not bothered at all. But the boys seem to be cutting back and were pretty tame on Funny People. On Knocked Up, all of them, especially Jonah [Hill] and Jason [Segel], were all about these dirty porn sites I didn't even know existed. Now they have girlfriends and talk more about thread counts and where to get a good duvet cover. Next? Basically, I just want to do a movie where I'm surrounded by women." — Leslie Mann, who is married to Judd Apatow and appears in his movies. [WSJ]
• "I'm in New York right now filming and I'm in heaven. I can't always say that about movies, but to be filming this romantic comedy with Jennifer and a story that made my side split when I read it - I'm lucky. I'm happy as a pig in shit, as they say." — Gerard Butler. [Daily Mail]
• "Where will Blanket be in ten years? Hopefully, upgraded to Quilt." — Tina Fey's Twitter. [NY Daily News]

• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have broken up. Again. This report claims:

They had a fight over Sam's friendship with Nicole Richie, who doesn't like LL and refuses to be in the same room with her. [E!]

• But! Lindsay Lohan's Twitter reads: "Why do people cheat? When love is always standing right in front of their face (s) ?? SR?" [Twitter, The Sun]
• By the by, Lindsay Lohan's rep says London police never questioned her about the missing jewelry from the photo shoot, but that she would comply if necessary. The rep also noted that there were 20 people working at the Elle shoot. [AP]
• More on this in Midweek Madness, but Stephanie Pratt is on the cover of Us Weekly with the words: "The Hills Made Me Bulimic." [Us Magazine]
• Victoria Beckham has reportedly had a third boob job, reducing her double Ds to a 34B. Is the "trend" of inflating mammaries through surgery on the wane? [The Sun]
• Sean Penn has dropped out of two major films: The Three Stooges — which was supposed to start filming in August — and crime thriller Cartel. Penn is taking a break from Hollywood to focus on his family — does this mean he's got a lot of patching up to do with Robin Wright Penn? [Hollywood Reporter]
• Sean Penn has been telling people he "needs personal time." [Deadline Hollywood]
• Chris Brown's lawyer is seeking to delay the hearing — scheduled for Monday. [AP]
• In court papers, Kelis is accusing estranged husband Nas of abandoning her during her pregnancy and claims that she is dependent on Nas' finances. A source says: "Kelis has spent every last penny that she has to cover whatever expenses for the baby that she can but at this point really needs him to step up and share in the responsibility. She physically can't work to bring in any sort of income, as much as she'd like to." [MTV News]
• Guess whose ratings are up? David Letterman's; everybody loves a Sarah Palin kerfluffle. [NY Times]
• Jon Gosselin spent his 10th anniversary weekend in Nyack, NY, having a beer with a friend. A waiter says: "Jon was on the phone most of the time and was definitely talking to his kids." [People]
• Rihanna is being sued for messing up someone's lawn. [TMZ]
• Rihanna and Drake, aka Jimmy from Degrassi: It's still on. [Page Six]
• Simon Cowell claims that he told Susan Boyle she could quit Britain's Got Talent if it was getting to be too much for her. She said to him: "No, I want to win." And with all the hype, she probably thought she would. [The Sun]
• Countess LuAnn de Lesseps was seen dancing, doing tequila shots and "all over a guy in his 20s" in the Hamptons. [Page Six]
• Pretty much everything that comes out of Betty White's mouth in this interview is awesome. She says: "At this age, you don't often get a good part like this. It was an old-fashioned romantic comedy, not with all that garbage they have to throw in these days. And Sandy and Ryan — the chemistry is so good between them. And Anne Fletcher, the director, she's as nutty as the rest of us." [LA Times]
• Mia Farrow's brother, artist Patrick Farrow, has been found dead in his Vermont art gallery. [USA Today]
• Is Owen Wilson dating a Kate Hudson look-alike? [Gatecrasher]
• Four words: Gene Simmons urinal cakes. [Best Week Ever]
• In this interview, Melissa Etheridge talks about medical marijuana, and how it helped her after chemotherapy: "All of a sudden I could get out of bed. I could go see my kid. And it was amazing." She didn't smoke weed — it was mixed into butter and spread on food, or run through a vaporizer. In any case, she thinks medical marijuana should be legal. [CNN]
• Miley Cyrus will star in The Last Song, an adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks flick. Greg Kinnear and Kelly Preston will play her parents. And watch for the soundtrack! The story is about a bellious teen sent to spend the summer with her estranged father. Guess what bridges the gap between them? Music. [Variety]
• Blow-outs, manicures, Botox and spray tans: Beauty "secrets" from the Real Housewives Of New Jersey. [W Magazine]
• Ew. On Larry King, Spencer Pratt called Al Roker an "elderly man" who thought he could "parade my 22-year-old wife on television." [MSNBC Scoop]
• A violent thunderstorm almost shut down Monday night's live broadcast of I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here. My grandma would say it's because they've been acting ugly and God don't like ugly. [Ok]
• The most predictable thing in the world: Carrie Prejean's lawyer claims she was "set up." [E!]
• Whitney Port's show The City will be getting new characters, described as "vixens." This should turn out well. [Page Six]
• Tracey Ullman's State Of The Union on Showtime has been renewed for a third season. [Variety]
• In an interview with The Bangles, the ladies talk about making music and Susanna Hoffs says they have "No record label, no deadline. And that's kind of what's fun about it." [CNN]
• Bam Margera has two new shows: One will show him going back to school (he left in 10th grade) and the other? "It's like a travel show and me and my scumbag friends will be going around and getting into trouble." [Mirror]
• Sorry Superbad fans: there will not be a sequel starring McLovin. [Gatecrasher]
• For everything you never wanted to know about a David Cross/Jim Belushi feud, click the link. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which married hot tamale of an actress has three boyfriends on the side? One is rich, one is pretty and one is a rough-and-tumble Oscar nominee." [Gatecrasher]
• "I've come very close to fucking it all up. I had to give up scotch, because it turns me into a werewolf - and cigarettes, too. I seem to like to kiss trouble on the forehead and then try to back away. I test my limits quite often. I guess that's what 22-year-olds do. But I'm fallible and human and I'm figuring it out. I don't even really know what it is I do for a living - the level of insecurity is very, very high. You're making a lot of money, getting a lot of accolades and positive criticism for something where you don't even know what you're doing. There's no business-model for this; you can't step away, go home and say, 'You did your job today,' because I don't know what my job is! That gets crazy, trying to figure that shit out." — Shia La Beouf. [Guardian]
• "We're getting to know each other and I have to leave it at that." — Paris Hilton on her relationship with famed footballer Cristiano Ronaldo. [Mirror]
• "What a freakin' episode. Freakin' fireplace, freakin' sink, freakin' gorgeous. These were Dina's eloquent words when describing Teresa's marble palace. I laughed when she said, 'You have onyx coming out of your ass.' Now that would be painful." — from Bethenny Frankel's blog on the Real Housewives Of New Jersey finale. [E!]
• "Ben is a great man for the secret exit. Ben always has an escape, I think. It may be a piece of wood, floating on the ocean. Or it may be a rope, or a secret door. Or, you know, an Ecuadorian passport and a plastic bag, something like that. He's probably going to survive." — Michael Emerson, aka Ben Linus on Lost. [E!]
• "My act was like, 'Yeah, I walked in from school on my mom and dad screwing today ... and you go from there, building up such a disgustingly accurate description that the audience would start thinking it was insane what they were listening to - this little kid they can't yell back at, and who can only legally perform if all the alcoholic drinks are taken off the tables. Tough crowd! And telling jokes about things that no 10-year-old should even know about." — Shia LaBeouf, on being a kid comic who performed in adult clubs. [Guardian]
• "I was raised thinking that a relationship like that was just completely wrong. But I can't choose who I fall in love with, and I'm not going to not do something that makes me happy just because people disapprove. It seemed natural to us and that was all that mattered." — Evan Rachel Wood on dating Marilyn Manson. [The Daily Beast]
• "[My first time] I said to the girl, 'Hey, was it good for you, too?' And she said, 'Well, I guess it'll get better eventually.' Sadly, she wasn't right. It wasn't better for her or any of the women who subsequently agreed to sleep with me." — Judd Apatow is horrible in bed. [Page Six]
• "Well, I think your face should still move. And you should be recognizable to your friends. One actress I knew years ago, a really lovely person, had some stuff done, and literally, every time I run into her now I don't recognize her. Every time!" —Michelle Pfeiffer. [Page Six]
• "I begged to have them let me do a nude scene, but they wouldn't, they just wouldn't. I said, 'Well, it's a comedy and I'll get laughs, I guarantee it!' " — Betty White, on The Proposal. [LA Times]

• It's unclear why Kiefer Sutherland allegedly headbutted fashion designer Jack McCollough. Some say McCollough bumped into Brooke Shields, but his rep says, "he was the victim of a vicious, violent, unprovoked assault." [People]

• Brooke Shields' rep insists "nothing happened to her" and that "Jack did nothing inappropriate." Police plan to interview Shields and Sutherland. [E!]
• Carrie Prejean sent Keith Lewis, Co-Executive Director of Miss California USA, an email about the topless pictures of her on the internet. She wrote, "This was when I was 17 years old. I was a minor. It was when I was first getting into the modeling world, being naive, and young. I shouldnt (sic) have taken the photo of me in my underwear. There are no other photos of me. This was the only one I took." But, TMZ says someone sent them four pictures over the weekend, but they didn't publish them because her rep said she was only 17. Lewis responded, "I'm absolutely stunned. This completely changes things for us. Yesterday we thought she had explained things accurately. We need to revisit this issue with her." [TMZ]
• As Carrie Prejean suggested in her statement on the topless photos yesterday, her rep says, "It's not a semi-nude pose because she's modeling for lingerie." That would mean she has not violated her Miss California contract that says she may not pose nude or semi-nude. [TMZ]
• Deanna Hummel, the woman whose brother told Us that she's having an affair with Jon Gosselin of Jon and Kate Plus 8, says it's not true. "My brother is making this all up," Hummel says. "He has no credibility ... I can't even stomach the lies he's saying about me. My brother is very shady," says Hummel. "He has no job. He has a criminal background. He was charged for drug distribution. He's on probation right now." [People]
• Earlier this week two bystanders were injured in a car crash stunt on the set of the Nicholas Cage movie Sorcerer's Apprentice in Times Square. Last night, the crew crashed into a parked car when swerving to avoid a taxi and while filming in Brooklyn a fire broke out at a cleaner's and parked production trucks may have blocked firefighters. Gothamist asks, "How many people have to be hospitalized before Nic Cage's reign of terror ends?" [Gothamist]
• Tyler Perry's alleged stalker, Dawne Wilson, was indicted yesterday on a felony aggravated stalking charge. She will be arraigned tomorrow. [TMZ]
• Today Tyra Banks told Rachel Ray that she's glad she lost prom queen in high school, because otherwise she might have become "a bigheaded bitch." [E!]
• Paris Hilton is being sued by movie producers who say she didn't do enough to promote the film Pledge This!, which subsequently bombed. When being questioned about her cell phone usage, Hilton said, "I've never looked at my phone bill in my entire life," adding that she has no idea who does pay the bill. "With my phone I never know, because I lose it all the time," she testified. "I probably get a new cell phone like every two weeks." [The Smoking Gun]
• Judd Apatow said in order to secure a PG-13 rating for his film Year One, he had to cut a joke about "a certain character who could put a part of his anatomy in his own mouth. I don't think you can say that online. It's not one of the main characters. We removed that. It was definitely one of our favorite jokes." [NY Magazine]
• Michelle Obama filmed her Sesame Street appearance yesterday and said, "I think it's probably the best thing I've done so far in the White House." The Daily Mail pointed out that she's met the Queen. We still don't see anything wrong with Michelle's statement. [Gawker]
• Here's a list of 10 famous people who have been banned from entering the U.K., including Martha Stewart, Snoop Dogg, and Barack Obama's half-brother. [Mental Floss]
• The Associated Students of the University of Arizona are almost one million dollars in debt from putting on a concert featuring Jay-Z and Kelly Clarkson. The students gave away 4,000 tickets assuming they would make up the money they paid the performers from advertising sales, but due to the recession the ad revenue didn't come pouring in. [Perez Hilton]
• Jennifer Garner co-wrote an editorial on the Huffington Post to advocate for early childhood education on behalf of Save the Children. [HuffPo]
• Jennifer Garner credits her sister Melissa with her success. "If I'm totally honest, I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for the fact that I have this bigger-than-life, incredible older sister," says Garner. "She's beautiful, and she was valedictorian, got a 1600 on her SATs and was the head majorette. I was just the middle kid, kind of looking for attention. So that's what drove me, I think, to do things she wasn't doing." [The Independent]
• Now The Daily Mail is attacking Gwyneth Paltrow for suggesting in her GOOP newsletter that people should use natural beauty products, which seems pretty unfair. [Style]
• There are so many X-Men spinoff movies in the work it's hard to keep track. After X-Men Origins: Wolverine's big opening weekend, it has been announced there will be a sequel to that film starring Hugh Jackman, and Ryan Reynold's character Deadpool will get his own film. Fox is also working on a X-Men Origins film about Magneto and another called X-Men: First Class by O.C. creator Josh Schwartz. [E!]
• You can watch the new U2 music video for "Magnificent" here: [Rolling Stone]
• Kylie Minogue will perform in six North American cities this fall, in her first concert tour of the continent. [People]
• MTV Movie Awards host Andy Samburg made a fake "Best Fight" nomination video starring Will Arnett and Bill Hader. Watch it here: [Video Gum]
• Food critic Gael Greene Tweeted the a TV pilot based on her memoir is in production. She said, "Uma Thurman is standing by to play me." [Eater]
• South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone are big Monty Python fans. "I'd love to meet John Cleese - he is a legend. The real struggle is to find the story," says Stone, "We don't set out to offend. We always do - but that's not the starting point." [The Daily Express]
• Katy Perry says that three years ago she and her boyfriend at the time got "fake married" in Las Vegas. She explains, "We took all the pictures with the minister, with the fake cake, in the fake chapel and got a fake marriage certificate. We went and bought a wedding dress and a suit at a thrift store, and scanned the pictures and the certificate to my family members, my manager at the time [and] totally freaked the shit out of them." [People]
• The Barnsley House hotel in the Cotswolds, which celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow, Elizabeth Hurley, and Nicole Kidman have stayed in, is for sale as debts have put the company that owns it out of business. [The Guardian]
• Tom Hanks has produced three of the past five films he starred in. He said, "I'm certainly not in it for the business. I mean, it's not like I need the job. I guess, if the truth be told, I didn't want to be at the mercy of the marketplace. I don't want to have to wait for the phone to ring to say, 'You now get to create something.' As an actor I am always waiting for my luck to run out. Now, I'm very lucky that, as yet, that hasn't happened, but I'm very aware that, any time now, the marketplace could say, 'That's it, we're done with you.' If I am producing, I can create something every day and it's a darn sight more fun than woodworking or building a stereo." [The Telegraph]

• Grey's Anatomy star T.R. Knight was in a three-car crash yesterday. He was not injured, but two other people were taken to the hospital by ambulance. [LA Times]

• The President Of The United States, Barack Obama, was on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno last night. He brought lulz (More later). [NY Daily News]
• Barack Obama made a joke about the Special Olympics and for that he is sorry. [NY Daily News]
• Here's a picture of Chris Brown getting off of a private jet and riding a bike around on the tarmac like he's having the time of his life. Raise your hand if it makes you feel stabby. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston is narrating a children's book. Cue the ZOMG SHE WANTS BABIEZ headlines. [Gatecrasher]
• Are Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel on a fast train to Splitsville? [Perez, Chicago Sun-Times]
• When Beyoncé stopped at Patricia Field the other day, she spent $11,000 in 20 minutes. How come didn't get us anything? [Page Six]
• It's a big weekend at the box office, with lots of stars: Nicolas Cage, Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, Clive Owen and Julia Roberts. Plus, Amy Adams's Sunshine Cleaning will move into additional theaters. What to see? [Reuters]
• "Five Reasons Julia Roberts Is Too Old (or Not)." Wait, what? [E!]
• This article asks "Is John Hamburg (the writer/director of I Love You Man) The New Judd Apatow?" [LA Times]
• Actual headline: "Miley Cyrus Shakes Her Ass For Paps." And it's not on Perez! [E!]
• For some reason there is a feud between Chris Jericho and Mickey Rourke. Jericho says when Rourke comes to Wrestlemania, he will "get out of the ring, walk over to Mickey, and slap him in the face." Lame. [Gatecrasher]
• Someone is pregnant on The Office. [E!]
• Speaking of The Office, did you dig Idris Elba? He has a Twitter. [EW]
• A Sheryl Crow/Stevie Nicks tour? Maybe! [Gatecrasher]
• There's a new Facebook group called UCLA Students Against James Franco as Commencement Speaker. It's jut mean! [E!]
• Dane Cook's half-brother and former business manager was indicted Thursday on eight counts of larceny; he'd been funneling millions from Cook's business accounts. No joke there. [E!]
• Real Housewives Of Orange County star Gretchen Rossi was spotted making out with Slade Smiley. [TMZ]
• Nick Lachey pitched a reality show to MTV and they liked it! Taking The Stage is about kids at a performing arts school (his alma mater in Cincinnati). Kinda like Fame, if you're old enough to remember hot lunch. [LA Times]
• Debra Messing is named in a lawsuit involving a traffic accident in which her car struck a police officer, even though Messing wasn't driving the car. [TMZ]
• The cast of the new Star Trek flick is heading to Australia; the movie will make its world premiere at the Sydney Opera House on April 7. No word if that guy with the Kirk chair will get to go. [Yahoo News via Reuters]
• Not only is Vanessa Williams awesome on Ugly Betty, she is working on a new album. "I had been wanting to do a Latin-flavored album since I played a ballroom dancer in the (salsa) movie Dance With Me," Williams says. [USA Today]
• Ooh, Elle Macpherson on TV! The CW show is called Beautiful Life, and she'll okay the owner of a modeling agency, naturally. [Reuters]
• Hmm, Mary J. Blige is joining the cast if the next Tyler Perry movie. Love her; not sure about him. [Reuters]
• Gossip Girl fans: Check out this new clip that's popped up: Chuck vs. Dorota! [People]
• Whitney Port and actor Robert Buckley were seen making out all over Miami. Hopefully someday soon we can stop thinking about these semi-famous [E!]
• There is a new romcom in the works called Merman. Yes, it is about a man who is half fish. He "comes to land so he can win back his mermaid fiance, who has left him for a real man." I'm not lying when I say it's produced by the dude who brought you Splash. [EW, Variety]
• Tara Reid has a job! She's been cast in an untitled horror film, in which she will play a mother whose family is terrorized by an unsees presence. [Variety]
• Former Soul Train host Don Cornelius has been sentenced to three years probation after pleading no contest to misdemeanor spousal battery. [Reuters]
• Blind item! "Which engaged young couple shocked an entire film crew when they were caught having sex on set?" [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item: "Which hip-hop fashion team is taking more credit than it deserves? While most designers acknowledge their assistants do much of the work, this up-and-coming pair accept kudos but never mention the staff in the back who actually make it happen." [Page Six]
• "I remember a performance of The Fantasticks where a mom brought a teenage son with Tourette's syndrome to the show. It was explained to me that because he liked me a lot, it became especially difficult for him to control his outbursts when I came on stage. Every time I said or sang anything, he would snort, howl or bellow some expletive about bodily functions or female anatomy, [and drop] F-bombs." — Kristin Chenoweth, in her memoir, A Little Bit Wicked. [Page Six]
• "I like all the Wii games. Love Guitar Hero. Growing up, I liked Tetris. I even like BrickBreaker on the BlackBerry. [My first console was] a Nintendo. I would play Super Mario Bros. We weren't supposed to play it after nine o'clock, and I would sneak and play all night. I loved it." — Beyoncé. [Mirror]
• "I had my tonsils taken out [at age 13], and they gave me liquid Vicodin. I found, when I take this, people like me. I'm having fun, I'm not getting picked on. It became a confidence thing." — Kelly Osbourne, who says she is finally completely clean after a month in rehab. [People]
• "I am shirtless and I have back hair in Observe And Report, and it's glorious. They did have me shave my back for Knocked Up. Judd Apatow said, 'People are not ready for a hairy back in a sex scene. We're just not there yet as a society.'" — Seth Rogen. [Page Six]

Over at feminist blog Shakesville, Melissa McEwan writes:

Even when women do what they're meant to do by the fucked-up standards of The Patriarchy-get naked and submit themselves for public objectification-they're going to get mocked for doing it. Because, even though we're ostensibly laughing at the Judd Apatow Boyz for their uproarious send-up of a sexy female-oriented VF cover, implicit in that laughter is a condemnation and marginalization of the female-oriented cover: See how silly it is when a man does it?! Ho ho ho.

Author Amanda Marcotte, on her Pandagon blog:

"I prefer jokes that send up sexist stereotypes, like when Liz Lemon makes a stupid mom joke and high fives herself. This joke, it seems to me, works off the idea that it's stupid to want to put men in an objectified position, ‘cause duh, that's for ladies! The bodysuits just makes it more insulting."

Salon's Rebecca Traister adds:

All this silliness does is amplify the point that men can become famous in Hollywood, and famous enough to be photographed by Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair, without having bodies that you want to see unclothed. There is not a similar path to success for Hollywood's women.

But we're really behind Mary Elizabeth Williams of Salon, who says:

Between the hack work and the pawning of her photos, I guess Annie Leibovitz really is hard up. That this drivel is being peddled by the same woman who shot one of the most famous male nude photos ever — the beautiful, vulnerable image of John Lennon curled up against Yoko Ono for Rolling Stone, just makes the whole business all the more cynical and pitiful.

See, we're starting to wonder if Vanity Fair is the problem, or if Annie Leibovitz is the problem. She's one of the most famous photographers working right now, but she pushes people of color off of covers, turns black basketball players into gorillas, gets 15-year-old girls to pose half-naked and has no regrets.

As an artist, it is certainly her job to push boundaries and break the rules. But lately it seems that instead of inspiring and innovating, Leibovitz offends and denigrates. What is she doing? What is her goal? To create "art"? Or to rock the boat? Or merely to get paid? On the one hand, she's been generating lots of negative press lately — why would any magazine continue to use her? On the other hand, no publicity is bad publicity, right?

One of These Things Is Not Like the Other [Shakesville]
Quick Take: Funny Or Not? [Pandagon]
Dudes Undress For Vanity Fair [Salon]
Earlier: Vanity Fair: Not In Favor Of Naked Men
Photo Finish
LeBron James "King Kong" Cover
Is Vogue's "LeBron Kong" Cover Offensive?
Miley Cyrus: Fifteen & Topless in Vanity Fair
Is Tween Titillation More Offensive Than Casual Racism?

[All images by Annie Leibovitz.]

But it's not all pop cultural giggles. The blog also has an in-depth description of the two different kinds of abortion — surgical and medical, and links with information. What I like best about the blog though is that it is one of the few realistic portrayals of getting an abortion I've seen in any kind of media.

Movies that discuss abortion (Fast Times at Ridgemont High notwithstanding) have a completely hysterical view of it. It's either a non-option or the worst thing that ever happened to someone. My favorite passage of the blog is the one that decries this very thing:

I’m trying to get some advice and info that isn’t off a bulletin board style fact sheet. When I google “abortion blog” —because we all know blogs are a great repository for facts and rationality— i get these terrifying pro-life, abortion regret websites. One is called ” silent rain”. UGHHHHH. WHERE IS THE JUNO OF THE ABORTION WORLD?!? Precious, silver-tongued, knocked up 16 year olds where are you??

Well, this blogger seems to be a silver-tongued, knocked up, 23-year-old slinging facts and honesty and humor. It seems like a good start.

What To Expect When You're Aborting [myabortion.tumblr.com]

Anyway, Dargis takes issue, not only with the smug step brothers of the title, but also with the portrayal of the women they love. "So, once again, there is the spectacle and pathos of the sexually stunted immature male, here times two: Brennan (Mr. Ferrell) and Dale (Mr. Reilly)," Dargis writes. "Mary Steenburgen, as Brennan’s mother, Nancy, takes the fantasy parent role: she’s saintly, sexy — her relaxed, ready smile telegraphs satisfaction — and endlessly patient. She looks good for a woman who would have had her youngest at about 14."

Dargis goes on to skewer the film further for its semi-insulting portrayal of both men and women, but really, it seems like the cardinal sin in this comedy is that it's not especially funny. I don't really mind so much if comedies don't show women in the best light or elevate the adolescent male psyche, so long as they're entertaining. But Dargis' description of Ferrell and Reilly — "They’re losers that only a mother, an entertainment manager or a gang of self-satisfied comedy insiders could love" — makes me think this movie is both vaguely insulting and entirely unfunny. Come on Apatow and Co., we've seen Freaks and Geeks, and even the actual adolescents in that show were more mature than these dingbats. You can do better. Whatever, I'll probably see it anyway. (You're talking to a woman who saw Let's Go To Prison in theaters. I have no standards.)

Once More To The Well Of Goofball Comedy [NYT]

Earlier: What To Expect When You're Expecting Too Much From A Movie
Now That Her Paycheck Has Cleared, Katherine Heigl Calls Knocked Up Sexist

Asked about the attractiveness gap between men and women in Apatow movies, Rogen responds, "I love that. Like, there's so little chance that a girl would like me, it's sexist to assume that one would."

He takes it personally — and good for him. Is the idea that male attractiveness goes beyond traditional good looks really something we want to stamp out? In Marie Claire, Lucy Kaylin writes:

When funny women carry a comedy, it's expected that they'll be shaggable too — see Tina Fey's gleaming gams and cleavage in Baby Mama. Look, we know we've always said that a sense of humor is the most important thing. But a few crunches wouldn't hurt either.

But Kaylin's going the wrong way here. Rather than demanding that funny, weird-looking guys become more conventionally handsome, can't we acknowledge that attractiveness in both sexes can be a fungible thing? Men like weird-looking women sometimes too, and if we saw this play out more often on screen, maybe we'd be more accepting of our own quirks. I know I'm sick of ladymags telling me how to look better all the time, and rather than holding men up the same exacting standards, I'd like to quit worrying about camouflaging my flaws.

Now, if only Ms. Grigoriadis had addressed the responsibility gap between the sexes in Apatow movies. I'd like to see what Rogen would say to that one.

Elle

The A.V. Club:

Sandler plays the title character as an over-the-top cross between Paul Bunyan, Rambo, and Warren Beatty in Shampoo. He catches bullets with his nostril, swims like a dolphin, has what appears to be an overweight groundhog in his shorts, and is able to instantly transform a volley of stones hurled at him by angry Palestinian kids into a charming rock animal. To borrow a phrase from Mr. Show, Zohan repeatedly brings moviegoers to the verge of laughter, only to leave them there; it's sure to inspire plenty of embarrassed smiles but few belly laughs, unless audiences find the unconventional use of hummus, hacky-sack, and disco-dancing (three of the film's limp running gags) inherently hilarious. Sandler's famously easy-to-please fans will certainly find it amusing, but for anyone over the age of 12, it's considerably more goofy than good.

New York Times:

“Subtle” and “maturity” may seem like odd words to use about a movie that wrings big laughs from pelvic gyrations, indoor Hacky Sack and filthy-sounding fake-Hebrew and -Arabic words. But much as it revels in its own infantilism, You Don’t Mess With the Zohan is also brazenly self-confident in its refusal to pander to the imagined sensitivity of its audience. In this it differs notably from Albert Brooks’s Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World, which approached some of the same topics with misplaced thoughtfulness and tact. I suppose some Middle East policy-scolds may find reasons to quarrel with Zohan, either for being too evenhanded or not evenhanded enough in its treatment of Israelis and Palestinians. Did I mention that it’s a comedy?

The Hollywood Reporter:

As a commando-turned-hairdresser with superheroic strength and a supersized crotch, Adam Sandler gets the Israeli accent and the disco swagger just right. Laughs are less of a sure thing in You Don't Mess With the Zohan, but the comedy star's legions of fans will welcome the cheerfully crude proceedings as a return to silliness after several earnest, lower-key character turns. The melange of Middle East diplomacy, action absurdity, sexual healing and, when in doubt, hummus, wavers between muscular and middling. It's a surefire hit.

Entertainment Weekly:

There is… about enough novelty to fill a seven-minute sketch, most of it relating to the sweetness with which Sandler initially presents himself as a curly-haired, hyper-macho Israeli super-Jew. This proudly Semitic James Bond is good to his parents (Shelley Berman plays Zohan's papa like a pussycat compared with the kibitzing the old pro gave Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm), good to the tawny, bikinied Tel Aviv girls who flirt with him, good to his Israeli comrades, and even good to the little Arab kids whose villages he's sometimes forced to disrupt on the hunt for terrorists. Everything he loves about his country is summed up in his love of hummus; he even brushes his teeth with the stuff. There are at least as many hummus visual jokes in this movie as there were ancient tribes in Israel.

Washington Post:

In You Don't Mess With the Zohan, Adam Sandler manages to stereotype pretty much everyone in the Western Hemisphere. It's not like he's bravely confronting political correctness by reveling in expressing the nastiest stereotypes; it's more like he hasn't heard of political correctness and is unfamiliar with the concept of stereotypes in the first place. His mind is stuck at the 8-year-old level.

Christianity Today:

But politics of some sort is never far from view, and just as I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry ended on a didactic note, so too You Don't Mess with the Zohan has scenes in which Israelis and Arabs vent all their frustrations, peacefully and verbally, before finding that they agree on the sexual allure of various presidents' and senators' wives. But while all these racial and cultural barriers are being broken, two easy stereotypes remain firmly intact: the evil white businessman, and the evil white redneck.

'You Don't Want To Mess With The Zohan' opens today, nationwide.

Los Angeles Times:

The roles of Sarah and Rachel might have been one-dimensional and shrill, but neither Segel's script nor Kunis and Bell's performances allow that to happen. Forgetting Sarah Marshall delights in its frequent raunchy moments — to get any more full-frontal Segel you'd have to move in with him — but it functions on a mellower, more rueful level.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall continues the post-Wedding Crashers trend of pushing comedies to the limits of the R rating, with lots of explicit dialogue and a few exposed boobs to go with that dangling member. But it avoids the gross-out one-upmanship of filth for filth's sake. The nude breakup scene that begins the movie is funny but also painfully intimate, like the moment in Robert Altman's Short Cuts when Julianne Moore confesses to a long-ago adulterous affair while naked from the waist down. A late scene in which Sarah and Peter have a miserably failed go at relapse sex is a good example of raunchiness that serves a narrative purpose. Other scenes, like the extended "pearl necklace" gag that's been so heavily peddled in trailers, are just dirty for the laugh-getting hell of it, and that's OK too.

But scene after scene, there's always something a little off about Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Even in the midst of the movie's attempts at sharp-edged humor, Segel and Stoller do try for a degree of sweetness, or at least even-handedness; they clearly want us to feel sympathy even for characters who have behaved badly. Still, those moments feel like afterthoughts: Toward the end of the movie, Bell's Sarah is given a few chances to show she's essentially a decent human being, but mostly the character comes off as shrill, brittle and spoiled, and there isn't much Bell can do to give her more dimension.

Bell, whose comic timing was evident in TV's Veronica Mars, doesn't fare quite as well here. It's really the guys' movie, unlike Knocked Up, where Katherine Heigl and Leslie Mann were often as funny as their male counterparts. Mila Kunis plays Rachel, Peter's new love interest, and she comes across as pleasant but not particularly humorous. Both she and Sarah are stock Hollywood girlfriend figures — one is laid-back and the other high-maintenance — but neither is a fully formed character.

But the schlub-hottie pairings that have become ubiquitous on screen lately also reinforce a dreary double standard. Guys are permitted to be flabby, lazy emotional wrecks, but as long as they crack jokes, some action will come their way. Girls, ideally, should have a sense of humor — mainly so they can laugh at those jokes — but for the most part they should look good in a bikini and like sex (though not too much and not anything too weird). Maybe someday, though probably not under Mr. Apatow's aegis, a relatively ordinary-looking woman will have a sex comedy of her own.

As embodiments go, the Segel physique, a long, pale, uncooked dinner roll of a shape, is an apt one for the attractions of this very funny, very chewy, partially undercooked comedy. Indeed, with even more ferocity of purpose and Andy Kaufman-school fearlessness than that roly-poly Seth Rogen in Knocked Up or noodly-oodly Christopher Mintz-Plasse in Superbad, Segel embraces the destiny of male anatomy in yet another clever creation from the Judd Apatow Alumni Association; this one, too, speaks from the male heart (and other parts) in a language accessible to females. Yet it does so with a fresh yeastiness I haven't already seen in other Apatovian products.

Apatow's specialty has always been malius dumbius, the male of the species, a gender focus that has drawn criticism for its portrayal of women as humor-impaired nags and drags. But though once again the female characters in Forgetting Sarah Marshall only amount to walking-talking prizes to be loved, chased or fought over, Bell and Kunis bring feisty, funny dimension to their roles. And there is one tense-dialogue scene between the two — when the subtext is territorial possession of Peter — that's one of the movie's most sensitively written moments.

It seems to me that the success of Apatow and company derives from the fact that though their premises offer a lot of vulgar promise, they rarely deliver on that potential full-bore. What they're really doing, most of the time, is offering twists and updates on the classic romantic comedy formulas, making them acceptable to today's much younger movie audiences. For example, Forgetting Sarah Marshall seems to be what the academics like to call a "Comedy of Remarriage." You know — fairly mature couple splits up, endures some feckless romantic misadventures, then get more happily reconnected in the final reel. You expect that to happen with these kids. But it doesn't. Instead something that's equally civilized, but a little less formulaic develops, something that is obviously appealing to the optimism and inexperience of a young audience occurs. This is a fairly low-keyed comedy, but a grown-up dropping in on it can appreciate its lack of frenzy, its fundamental good nature, as easily as its core audience will. It isn't exactly a gem, but as zircons go, it'll do.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Then they sit on the sidewalk and sulk and talk about how unfair it is that the dudes still get to have fun when they don't and the subtext is, of course, that it's impossible to enjoy life when you're consumed with the unfairness of how little you're enjoying it, just like it's hard to be funny when you're busy being pissed that someone else always gets to be the "funny one."

It's a moving scene, because Apatow doesn't rush to paper over the truth, or to imply that what Debbie says isn't the case...But the scene has none of the zany ingenuity of Pete and Ben's scene and lacks the verbal dexterity that peppers women's dialogue in screwball comedies.

If, as Heigl delicately put it, the movie is a "little sexist," that is because it is the natural product of a culture evidently sold on the notion that women are so focused on domestic mechanics that they simply don't know how to allow themselves the playful inner lives men do, whether they're free-associating brilliantly with their friends, or lazily absorbed in video games.

P.S. The women on 30 Rock don't get to be as funny as the men, either. Somehow I don't really think about that a lot while I'm watching it!


What Katherine Heigl Said About 'Knocked Up' [Slate]

After all, menstrual blood is gooey, photogenic, and just the right place on the fetidness spectrum between "semen" and "barf" to make for hilarious — but not absolutely stomach-churningly putrid — physical humor. And you thought the point of the movie was the poignancy of the adolescent male bond! Go Seth Rogen! We think we can think of a certain comedic pregnancy sequel that could maybe give America its seminal (heh) comedic "period sex" scene!

Over the weekend, we and half of America saw the movie "Knocked Up", wherein an "Access Hollywood" type reporter played by Katherine Heigl ("Alison") gets pregnant by a fat pothead played by Seth Rogen ("Ben") and has the baby. It is the funniest movie we've seen since "Dazed & Confused" but it also made us cry, even though we tried not to cry because we try very hard not to be all "female" all the time like that. Anyway, some people accuse "Knocked Up" of being misogynist, and unrealistic, and right-wing. To which we say: Fuck you. WE CRIED.

Which is why we must take issue, once and for crotchety all, with the women who have been emailing us to say shit like "Judd Apatow doesn't get women" and "Judd Apatow is some sort of right-wing freak who doesn't even try to hide his misogyny", in addition to Slate's Dana Stevens, who actually lies to readers by telling them that abortion is not discussed as an option in the movie. It is discussed! Alison just doesn't want one! She's 28 years old and lives with two kids already!!! Why is this so UNBEARABLY HARD to believe?!

Which brings us to The Abortion Conundrum:
Why, why, why is it that every movie depicting a woman who gets pregnant by reasons other than a hard-won regimen of baby name books and cervical-fluid monitoring must responsibly depict her having an abortion so as to impress upon all the susceptible young girls in the audience that she, too, should not feel guilty about terminating the one thing that could potentially stand in the way of the realization of her full potential... in the highly fulfilling and life-affirming field of interviewing celebrities? Further, even if you take it as your feminist responsibility to help close the income gap, aren't you better off outsourcing some big parenting responsibilities to men like Ben?

Which brings us to: Ben's Fat Underemployed Slackerdom..
Yes, Ben is not as pretty or ambitious as Alison is. THAT IS WHY SHE LIKES HIM. Whenever a funny fat guy, invariably tagged by the critics as "schlubby", is said to be unrealistically linked with a pretty lady, we say, NEWS FLASH: Girls are prettier than guys! We don't go bald and don't get facial hair; evolution set us on the path that has led us to the present state of affairs wherein Sephora exists, and guys' looks don't really matter as much as girls'. Alison's ambition, too, is kind of overrated: If she cared so much about the entertainment industry she wouldn't have to be told to lose weight. And it is precisely Ben's unflappable pot-fueled chilled-outness that Alison finds appealing and, ultimately, so necessary in her life. We sleep with underemployed slackers all the time and we can vouch: We'd rather keep their babies than those of the neurotic, hyper-driven precocious guys for whom accompanying us to the abortion clinic would be, like, a major inconvenience. In fact, we are stressed out enough without having to give birth to children who are ambitious.

And finally: To those women who think women never act as batshit-hormonal as [Alison's sister] Debbie does in the movie? YOU ARE LYING TO YOURSELVES. We have seen you.

Earlier: Despite Great Reviews, "Knocked Up" Doesn't Understand Women
Related: What "Knocked Up" Gets Wrong About Women [Slate]