• Madonna has flown a nanny and a nurse to Malawi to look after Mercy while adoption papers and visas are being arranged. The deal's not done and the kid already has an entourage! [The Sun]

• Just what you always wanted: Heidi Montag has posed for the September issue of Playboy:

• Jessica Alba put up posters of sharks in Oklahoma City — defacing a United Way billboard — and then took pictures of herself, arms raised victorious. Turns out…

• Lindsay Lohan had a "meltdown" in a club in London, which involved saying:

• Is Britney being forced to tour? An insider says she's emotionally fragile, but her father insists the show must go on. The source claims:

• Susan Boyle was "comforted" by psychiatrists before the Britian's Got Talent finale. Then she lost. [Daily Mail]
• Paramedics and police were called to help a "spaced-out" Susan Boyle through a hotel lobby early Sunday. [NY Daily News, NY Post]
• Now? Susan Boyle is in a mental hospital:

• Chris Brown is being sued for assault and battery, but not by anyone you know:

• Ashton Kutcher elaborately pranked CNN and Ted Turner:

• Oh, snap: Paulina Porizkova has been given the pink slip by Tyra and America's Next Top Model! The '80s supermodel told Craig Ferguson on the Late, Late Show:

[London, March 23. Image via Getty.]

• So much Oscar gossip! For instance:

• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony had trouble getting into the Neighborhood Ball last night, because they were late. You gotta get there before the President! [Page Six]

• Last night TMZ reported that Lindsay & Sam broke up. [TMZ]

• Jennifer Aniston talked to Entertainment Weekly about the tabloid reports that she's knocked up with John Mayer's baby: "Oh my God, it's hysterical. It's almost going to take away the fun from actually being able to say one day, 'I'm pregnant!' Stop stealing my thunder, motherfuckers!" Plus: She wasn't thrilled that …

[Birmingham, UK, October 10. Image via Splash.]

• So you know how Gerard Butler kicked a paparazzi's ass yesterday? He was definitely provoked. After Gerard allegedly got out of the limo and punched the dude in the face, the photog continued following Butler for more than an hour before going to the hospital. Plus, he called a lawyer before calling the cops. [TMZ]
…

• Obviously, all the models on the cover of Brazilian Vogue - only one of the most racially diverse countries in South America - are Caucasian. [Models.com]
• And speaking of models! The ones at the Emmys (you know, the ones who come out and hand people envelopes) will be sporting Lauren Conrad Collection. [Fashionista]
• Is…

• Christian Bale's "assault" against his mother is part of a long-simmering feud. Apparently Christian's been estranged from his mother and sister, Jenny and Sharon Bale, since he sided with his father when his parents divorced in the early '90s. Christian "reluctantly" agreed to meet with them at his London hotel…

• Matthew Broderick: Cheating on Sarah Jessica Parker? Having "sex in the city" with a gorgeous redhead half his age? More on this in Midweek Madness. [Star]
• Brad Pitt "pulled a Britney" and drove with Shiloh on his lap. But he was in a golf cart. In France. (Yes, there are pix.) [This Is London]
• Christian Bale's family…