Speaking of pictures ripped out of Teen People that you glued on your 5th grade Trapper Keeper (weren't we? we totally were), Britney Spurrz has gotten the jump on her boss Simon Cowell. She's quitting The X-Factor before Cowell and the other assorted Powers that Be can fire her, tired of paying her $15 million to say…

Two mice fell into a bucket of cream. One of them panicked and drowned, but the other one kicked his little legs until he churned that cream into butter and walked out. And then Kate Major and Michael Lohan announced they were having a child, and the surviving mouse was like "What the fuck, didn't you just file a…

There have been seven divorces that have occurred on The Real Housewives franchise in the five years since its premiere. The most recent casualty of this "divorce curse," Vicki Gunvalson, blames reality TV for her marital troubles telling CNN recently, "We didn't have 90 percent of the problems that we have now and I…

• Oprah announced yesterday that she was recently, "given some news that literally shook me to my core." Rather than letting the tabloids run with the story, she's staging a family reunion on her show.

• View host Sherri Shepherd announced today that she and TV writer Lamar Sally are engaged. Sally proposed on December 26 after asking Shepherd's 5-year-old son, Jeffrey, for permission.

• Reportedly, John Mellencamp (nee Cougar) has "struck up a friendship" with the actress, who has apparently "dropped in" on his tour. Mellencamp and his supermodel wife of 18 years, Elaine Mellencamp (nee Irwin), just announced they're splitting up. Oooh!

• In an interview with People, Christina Aguilera says of her new boyfriend Matthew Rutler, "there's a love there." However, she insists they didn't start dating until she filed for divorce six weeks ago.

• During an interview yesterday, Kanye West was asked about the recently-uncovered photos of his junk. He referenced the lyric, "She find pictures in my email/ I sent this girl a picture of my, hey!" and explained, "I only rap reality!"

• On the eve of Lindsay Lohan's probation violation hearing, Michael Lohan has issued a statement saying he'll never speak to the media about her again, after having a "conversation last night, with someone who means alot [sic] to me."