• Madonna took Jesus Luz to a Kabbalah service. Again. This paper calls her "the world's most boring date." [Daily Mail]

• Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou got married in Africa over the summer??? Well, it was a ceremony. But it's not necessarily legal in the U.S. [Gatecrasher]
• Katie Holmes has to make weekly written confessions as part of her "commitment" to Scientology. "Katie has to confess to something as minor as forgetting to tell him she has met with a friend," says a source. "If she commits a transgression against the moral code of their marriage, she has to tell Tom in writing, giving full details of the time and place and what happened." [Daily Mail]
• Jolie-Pitt alert: After filming a few scenes for Salt in Washington DC, Angelina and the brood will hit New York tomorrow. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Now that Amy Winehouse is rested and ready after a long vacay in St. Lucia, she says she's got writer's block. "I'm not feeling creative," she says. "I start things but I don't finish them. I know when stuff is rubbish." [Mirror]
• Uh-oh: Amy Winehouse has been denied a US work visa and can't appear at Coachella next month. [Mirror]
• Britney Spears spent Saturday visiting sick kids at Miami's Children's Hospital. [People]
• Chris Brown has been hard at work, recording tracks for his new album. It's odd thinking about anyone buying it. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Oh, wait: Guess who is experiencing steady album sales? Chris Brown. [Perez]
• Meanwhile, Rihanna is also focusing on music. [Yahoo News via E!, Extra]
• TMZ's Harvey Levin says the unseen Rihanna photos are worse than the one leaked: He calls them "horrific" and "monstrous." [Tennessee Guerilla Women]
• Chris Brown wants his plea to be to a misdemeanor  with no jail time. [TMZ]
• Why is Chris Brown up for a Kids' Choice Award? A Nickelodeon exec says he "was nominated by kids several months ago, and the kids who vote will ultimately decide who wins in the category." [TMZ]
• Oprah to Rihanna: "He will hit you again." [NY Daily News]
• How do we feel about this: Ashlee Simpson landed a role on the new Melrose Place. [EW]
• Zanessa! Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens will get married in September, says this source whose reliability we question. Disney wedding? We've got dresses! [PopCrunch]
• Prince Harry was seen "laughing and joking" with Astrid Harbord, a friend of Kate Middleton's. This paper calls her "the new blonde." [Daily Mail]
• This piece is all about how Freida Pinto got cast in Slumdog Millionaire; she was a model and had an "edge" because she was "confident and articulate." [Hindustan Times]
• So you know how Michael Jackson's possessions were up for sale? The auction house catalogs have been published. See a painting of MJ in Henry the Eighth garb; a carousel horse given to him by Liz Taylor, and some sculptures, including one of two boys plating leapfrog. [Fox 411]
• One of Martha Stewart's dogs has gone to heaven: Ghenghis Khan died in a freak propane explosion. [TMZ]
• The guy who usually dubs Sean Penn's voice for all of his movies in Brazil refused to do the voice in Milk. "I did not feel comfortable with the job," he said. Is it because Harvey Milk is gay and you're a pastor? [Variety]
• Leonardo DiCaprio, Lukas Haas, Tobey Maguire and Kevin Dillon went on a bike ride around New York's East Village Friday. An eyewitness says it was "really uncool." [UPI]
• Speaking of cycling, Matt Damon was among 35,000 riders attempting a 68 mile bike trek in South Africa on Sunday. [Daily Express]
• Dancing With The Stars producers are downplaying the fact that they lost two contestants  Jewel and Nancy O'Dell  and hyping the announcement of their replacements, whose identities will be revealed tonight. Except don't we know that one is Holly Madison? [UPI]
• So maybe you knew that Jodi Lyn O'Keefe  of She's All That, Prison Break, and various TV shows  has been dating John Cusack. Bet you didn't know that she's broke up with him because he won't marry her? [Star]
• You may have noticed this, but Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is trying to reposition himself. He's no longer just a former wrestler but into comedies and films for children. "Audiences, particularly kids, seem to love discovering that a guy this big and this good looking is actually very sweet and very funny," says his Race To Witch Mountain director. [NY Times]
• Macy Gray will appear as a guest performer/lecturer on the first day of a UCLA Extension course on the music business this spring. The course is run by Doors manager Jeffrey Jampolm who says: "Macy Gray is getting on the cutting edge of where music is going. She just made a new record that she financed herself. She owns it, and she's going to market it independently." [LA Times]
• Russell Brand is now in the music biz, managing a little-known singer-songwriter named Simon Kaye, who performs under the name Little Wonder. Apparently there's a record label bidding war to sign this guy, so prepare yourself. (Video of his latest song at the link.) [The Sun]
• There's a new DA and a new task force on the JonBenét Ramsey case, more than 12 years later. [People]
• Are Elizabeth Hurley and husband Arun Nayar in a fast car to splitsville? [Hindustan Times]
• Hurley's rep does not deny rumors of a separation. [Telgraph]
• Here's a profile on Joan Allen, who stars in a Broadway play called Impressionism. [NY Times]
• Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss has been cast in a romcom called Did You Hear About The Morgans?; Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker are already attached. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Interesting: There's going to be a remake of the dark comedy Death At A Funeral, with Tracy Morgan, Martin Lawrence and Chris Rock. No word on whether Peter Dinklage will be in this version! [Hollywood Reporter]
• Julia Roberts will produce Jesus Henry Christ, a comedy about a boy conceived in a petri-dish and raised by a loving, left-wing feminist. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Joss Stone's CD has been delayed until July. [Daily Mail]
• Rita Wilson, Meryl Streep, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin will be in an untitled Nancy Meyers flick; Her movie What Women Want was the most successful film ever directed by a woman. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Mick Jagger, his girlfriend L'Wren Scott and his son Lucas went to the Getty Center in L.A., and because L'Wren held the nine-year-old kid's hand, this paper claims she "played mom." [Daily Mail]
• Sigh: Pixie Geldof was turned down by the art school she applied to. [Daily Mail]
• Jade Goody and her sons were christened in the hospital where she is being treated for terminal cancer. Jade may only have days to live. [Daily Mail]
• Charles Barkley had a news conference, shook hands and posed for pictures over the weekend. While in jail. [TMZ]
• M.I.A. says she never named her baby Ickitt. So what is the little boy's name? [Daily News]
• Blind item! "Which pop diva just got her second boob job? Bet you didn't know about the first one, either - it's that good, and that out of character." [Gatecrasher]
• "Kate Moss is a vampire who stole my style."  Marianne Faithfull. [Daily Mail]
• "I'm not going to be [pregnant for a while] because I'm going on tour. I wouldn't want to do that to the poor child." And: "At first I would just stay in and wouldn't go outside [because of the paparazzi], but I would start getting bored with the treadmill and I like to hike outside. I'm not going to let them rule my life. For me it's not about being thin. For me it's about being in shape and being healthy. I have to have stamina onstage or I lose my breath very easily."  Fergie on trying for a baby and getting in shape. [Mirror]
• "I'm still baffled as to why people are so interested in my life. It's so weird – even my dog Norman gets recognized. I'm cutting him off – I've told him, no more Oprah appearances!"  Jennifer Aniston. [Daily Mail]
• "I have never been a woman who dreams about getting married and having children and having that house in Connecticut. On the contrary, I've always gone with the flow. I enjoy the moment because life goes on while you try to make plans; it's better to make the most of every second. So I just try to live in the present."  Jennifer Aniston. [Daily Mail]
• "I spent my time cross stitching. But I made it fun by stitching naughty words into handkerchiefs. There were long gaps between filming and I was bored, so it kept me occupied."  Miranda Richardson, on her hobby while filming The Young Victoria. [Daily Mail]
• "We have a similar sense of humor. Our list of priorities in our personal lives are not different. We are both happily married with families and lead a pretty normal, unaffected existence within in this odd universe of show business that we've both chosen to go into."  Julia Roberts on Duplicity costar Clive Owen. [People]
• "It was really funny seeing Baz Luhrmann and Rob [Pattinson] singing a David Bowie song. It was a talky one so they both could sort of talk to each other, and they were riffing back and forth. They were looking longingly into each other's eyes." Kristen Stewart, who says she hopes there will be a movie based on the fourth Twilight book, Breaking Dawn. [Yahoo News via E!]
• "Look! [Suri] painted these canvas ballet slippers. Isn't she the best? She'll be 3 soon. It's such a good age. She was in musical school this year, but starts real school next year."  Katie Holmes. [Gatecrasher]
• "I actually worked as a kid at the Dallas Times Herald, because my dad had worked with [American journalist] Bill Moyers and then his son was working at the Times Herald and I got a job as a runner one summer. And as a kid it was really exciting to be around in the summertime doing that."  Owen Wilson, on his stint in journalism. [The Star]
• "I'm excited to have a girl. I was saying I didn't know if I could ever love someone more [than my son]. So I'm happy it's a girl. That way, I can love my boy like crazy, and I can love my girl like crazy. They'll feel even."  Pregnant Gossip Girl star Kelly Rutherford. [Gatecrasher]
• "It's all different from what I was taught in gymnastics. I have to learn to let go and just be emotional."  Shawn Johnson, on Dancing With The Stars. [LA Times]
• "I've had enough of women."  Colin Farrell. [Daily Express]
• "I have no desire [to have children]. I would not be a good mother. I mean, I love being an aunt to my niece and nephew. And I used to want to, like, adopt 10 kids - because I had friends who were adopted, and I thought that was the coolest thing, to be chosen. But again, my job is too selfish."  Kelly Clarkson. [USA Today]
• "I don't think unique creativity can be put into a shape. What leaves a bad taste with trying to create pop stars overnight these days is that they seem to try to identify people according to a size or a shape and say what will work. It's like trying to create artists with a cookie cutter! I don't like how the judging works on The X Factor. Who are the judges to say what's good and what isn't? I hate the cruelty and humiliation of it. And when it's a kid or a teenager I can't bear them to be ripped to shreds. Does it really have to be so cruel?"  Annie Lennox. [Daily Express]

• Meanwhile, women in India are being trained as security guards to fulfill an increasing demand for female guards in retail shops, malls, and on the subway. • A new study has linked music taste to particular personality traits and found that metal fans are gentle, indie rock listeners lack self-esteem, and pop lovers are uncreative. • Yuriko Koike, the former defense minister of Japan and current contender for the prime minister (which would make her the first female PM in Japan) says that Japan doesn't have a "glass ceiling" but an "iron plate" against female advancement. • Policy Exchange, a think tank favored by Tory party leaders, recommends that the government give tax benefits to the tune of about $1,000 a month to women who chose to stay home with their newborn children instead of working. • Meanwhile, Steve Biddulph, an "expert on parenting" in Australia says that the government should adopt a paid 1-year maternity leave for new mothers to encourage new mothers to avoid child care. • With so many male Asian American designers being shown this week at New York Fashion Week (Phillip Lim, Peter Som, Derek Lam, Alexander Wang, to name a few) it is hard to remember that the first Asian designers to take over the Western market were mostly women, including Vera Wang, Vivienne Tam, and Anna Sui. • This season Broadway will focus more on the psyche of dudes with revivals and musicals like A Man For All Seasons, Equus, and All My Sons. • The Australian-born feminist, Germaine Greer laments the lack of "proper" statues of famous women in England. • A new study has found that women over 70 who sleep no more than 5 hours a night have a 50% increased risk of falling down two or more times during the year. • Sad! Bella, a labrador from England who was believed to be the world's oldest dog died on Saturday at the age of 29. •

Michael Galanes, one man interviewed in the piece, says, "People see a four-year-old child in excessive hair and makeup and immediately conclude that that's wrong. But that's a very shallow interpretation. These girls grow, become more articulate, make friends, and come out of their shy shells." Okay, but what about the fact that there are age categories that range from 0 - 18 months, for which infants don hair pieces, blush and stiff, uncomfortable dresses with sharp sparkles and hazardous beading? What shells are they coming out of, besides their embryonic sacks?

He goes on: "If JonBenét had been a Brownie, would the Brownies have gotten all the bad press that pageants did?" Um, the last I recall, Brownies teaches little girls how to help senior citizens, tie knots, sew buttons, and make new friends and keep the old, not how to make the "correct" kind of eye contact with a group of people judging them on the way they stand and smile.

Don't get me wrong: I love exaggerated femininity as much as the next Dolly Parton or Mariah Carey fan, and I more than love documentaries like Living Dolls, and it's great to read something like, "If you're gay and in pageants, it doesn't matter. It's kind of like Hollywood. Sexuality is very accepted in this business." But I also believe that such a look has to be something that is chosen for an individual by that individual, not by their parents or paid consultants, gay or straight.

Queen of Tots [Radar]
Earlier: The Best Child Beauty Pageant Coaches Are Queens

MARTHANEWS: Martha Stewart Living is expanding its craft line in Wal-Mart after the brand experienced woes at K-Mart. Oh Martha, Wal-Mart? Say it isn't so! • Three disabled English teens were awarded $9,000 in compensation after they were shooed away from a beauty salon because they were "scaring off customers." • Women over 70 are experiencing better sex more often although their male peers are reporting an increased amount of low sexual satisfaction. • A Texas teen has been delivering marijuana and LSD-laced treats to police stations. Dudes: relaaaaax. • A new non-calorie, natural sweetener called Truvia is being produced by Agriculture giant Cargill, Inc. • An old physics-teaching textbook brings women's accomplishments back to their looks. • Two Cape Cod teens score big with customers with jewelry they make from lacquered bug carcasses. • Oh what the hell, here's another adorable Japanese dog (a Frenchie named Fica) video. Watch the little lima bean snore!

• Need a date? Having a missing and/or murdered child just might be the matchmaking trick to try! JonBenet Ramsay's father John and Natalee Holloway's mother Beth are dating. We're too traumatized by this news to comment further. [FoxNews]
  
• OK, so the National Jewish Medical Research Center says that test results from the dude with TB show that he's "relatively noncontagious." We remain skeptical [That'd be Gerson, btw. -Ed.], but we assume our neurotic Jewish brethren wouldn't be saying this unless they were like super super sure. [CNN]
  
• More medical news: Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome (SADS) is taking a rapid and violent toll on the under-35 population in the UK. Great, something new for us to convince ourselves we have... [BBC]
  
• But if TB or SADS doesn't kill us, Russian missiles will. Cold War: Take 2! [NYT]

• More depressing than any of the above possible causes of death is the thought of Rosie O'Donnell chronicling her year on The View. Just when we start to move forward in our mourning process, the wounds are re-opened. [USA Today]
• Angelina Jolie (it's her birthday today by the way) gets a tat for not-hubby Brad Pitt. Angie! Do you not read magazines??? You and Brad are totes on the brink of breaking up! Now's not the time to start inscribing yet another ex's name on your body! [Yeeeah!]
• Angie's brother/lover James Haven explains that his sis isn't scary thin because she's pro-ana, but because running all over the world collecting babies made her feel guilty about going to a restaurant and ordering food. Obviously. [Star]
• 11 U.S. casualties identified today. [DoD]