• Jon Gosselin attempted to make peace with Kate Gosselin at a divorce arbitration hearing yesterday by bringing roses to the courtroom. Kate turned them down, "but in the end it all came together and concluded on a happy note." [People]

• According to Jon's lawyer, Mark Heller "it's possible" that The Gosselins divorce could be finalized by the end of the year. [People]
• According to ABC, production has temporarily stopped on Courteney Cox's show Cougar Town "in order for Courteney to deal with a private family matter." [People]
• Whoops! Michael Phelps allegedly owes $23,289.16 in back taxes to the State of California. [TMZ]
• "My old agent used to promote me as the male Keira Knightley. (Laughs) I thought: ‘Well, what does that say about me exactly?' Do I pout a lot or something?"-Robert Pattinson [Mirror]
• Melanie Brown, aka Scary Spice, says that she hasn't completely ruled out posing for Playboy: "Playboy are always asking me to pose for them. They've asked me on and off for the past five years, which I'm really flattered by, but it's all about timing and right now it's not the right time. But I definitely haven't ruled it out." [Mirror]
• One of Seth Meyers' ways of winding down on Sundays after a long night at SNL is to call his parents: "I've called them every Sunday since I went away to college," he says, "We started this family football pool when my brother and I were, like, 9 and 7; I guess they felt it was a key thing, to teach us the building blocks of gambling at a young age. Or maybe they figured it would always give us a reason to call home. I lost $10 last week." [NYTimes]
• "Not too long ago. my mum ran into one nun at home, who'd known me, and the nun told her, 'Oh my God, I watched the "She-Wolf" video, and Shakira looks phenomenal in it! I love how she looks, how she does the splits, and how flexible her legs are.' This was an 80-year-old nun. Times are changing."-Shakira [Guardian]
• Jennifer Aniston eats french fries. Is it because she's lonely? Because Angelina Jolie "stole" her husband away? Because she desperately wants a child?! Or maybe, just maybe, she eats fries because—gasp!—she likes them?! [E!]
• John Travolta thanked his neighbors in Ocala, Florida at a recent screening of his new film, Old Dogs, for the support they showed his family after the death of his son, Jett: "We know that we have a community. We know that we have friends. And we know that we are loved. We appreciate it. Jett appreciates it. We love you, Ocala." [People]
• Jay-Z reportedly "refused to be photographed with the Victoria's Secret models for fear of upsetting his wife, Beyoncé. [PageSix]
• Sean "Diddy" Combs spent $3 million on his 40th birthday party, which included a "$30,000 orchid display." [PageSix]
• Mariah Carey has also been a big spender lately, reportedly dropping £750,000 during a recent four-day trip to London. [DailyMail]
• New Moon took in 72.7 million dollars at the box office on Friday, breaking the one-day record set by The Dark Knight in 2008. [Yahoo]
• According to Entertainment Weekly, Lady Gaga's performance at the American Music Awards this evening "appears to be her most far-reaching live effort yet, as though she took a look at that bizarre gyroscope dress-to-piano transition she rather botched on Saturday Night Live and said, "Yeah, but what if we made it even harder for me to get to the keyboard?" [EW]
• Stop the presses: Victoria Beckham took her children out for frozen yogurt! And one of them had a tantrum! But then she gave him a talking to! And then everyone got yogurt! Huzzah! [DailyMail]
• "I don't want to be a sex symbol. I'm a geek. Anyway if I was naked on screen it would not be titillating."-Simon Pegg [Mirror]
• Gayle King, whose previous talk show attempt flopped in the ratings, may get a second chance at a talk show after Oprah Winfrey's show goes off the air in 2011. [PageSix]
• "I think there's some artists that are really focused on the music and the artistry, but I also think being a showman and being an entertainer is more than just being a musician. It's everything-it's something to look at and to listen to."-Adam Lambert [JustJared]
• "He has to be good in bed and the size matters. The inner beauty counts as well, but without a toy it doesn't make it fun. Right now I don't want to have a serious relationship, I want to have fun. I love flirting at the moment. I'm single and I'm enjoying my freedom. But I don't give my phone number out that often. But if I'm dating, I check the boy from the top to the bottom."-Rihanna [ShowbizSpy]
• "The day my Britain's Got Talent audition was shown on TV life changed for ever. I was sitting at home watching the show alone. Then, when I came on the telly, I heard shouting outside my window. My neighbours were outside jumping for joy, screaming and and shouting. We ended up having a bit of a street party."-Susan Boyle [Mirror]
• "I'm in the know because I did courses. I like to be known as me, first of all – that's the problem with being associated with any religion. Different things in Scientology have helped me become even more of an individual, not a blind follower. People are like: "What? I thought they steal your money." Nobody's stealing my money."- Juliette Lewis [Guardian]
• Michael Jackson's famous Moonwalk glove was sold at auction yesterday for $350,000, far above its original estimate of $40,000-$60,000. [Yahoo]
• Amy Winehouse is planning on getting a nose job. "Amy's become totally obsessed with surgery since her boob job," says a source, "She wants her nose made smaller to fit with her small face as she hates the fact her nose is so big and she doesn't like the shape. Amy says she can barely look in the mirror at the moment as she hates it so much. She's booked in for January but is pushing to get it done sooner. Her family are dead-set against it and her brother has gone mad at her saying it will ruin her whole look and she will become unrecognisable. They're trying to talk her out of it but Amy's having none of it." [Mirror]
• "Jake is the kind of guy who can do a spot-on impression of someone you work with that will make you giggle. He plays guitar and has a great voice. Kids and dogs love him. He loves his mom and sister and girlfriend. He's perfect. Too bad he's ugly."-Natalie Portman on Jake Gyllenhaal [JustJared]

[Image via INFDaily.]

• Lindsay Lohan's first collection for Ungaro has been derided by yet another industry heavyweight: Emanuel Ungaro himself. The designer, who sold the business that bears his name in 2005, says Lohan's work was "a disaster" that left him "furious." [Independent]

• Glamour editor Cindi Leive says the magazine has booked plus-size models for stories for every issue through February, including (relatively more prestigious) fashion and beauty spreads. "One of the plus-size models who was featured in our original story is in one of our two major fashion features in December, and looks amazing," added Leive. Could that be Crystal Renn? Or one of the other gaggle of naked lovelies the ladymag featured in November? [The Cut]
• Christopher Bailey is no longer the Burberry creative director. He is Burberry's chief creative officer, and don't you forget it. [WWD]
• Further layoffs at Zac Posen are rumored to be imminent. Since he eliminated his PR director on Monday, the task of handling publicity has been taken up by Posen's mom. Gucci is also said to be mulling serious layoffs. [NYDN]
• Marc Jacobs, maker of Louis Vuitton Everything: "The kennel was a bit of a joke, really." [ToL]
• Jason Wu loves to cook and bake, but macaroons had so far eluded his range of expertise. No more! Food & Wine arranged a special lesson for the designer with François Payard. It'll be the subject of an upcoming feature in the magazine. [Grub St]
• Not only did positive results for the last quarter not boost Crocs' share price — because investors took note that the surplus was largely the result of some kind of one-time tax bonus — but the maker of hideous shoes has trouble on the legal front, too. Porsche is suing Crocs over its use of the brand Cayman, which Porsche holds as a trademark in Germany. Apparently Porsche thinks there might be some confusion over the $29.99 Cayman sandal, and a $51,000 Porsche Cayman. [Footnoted]
• Prabal Gurung designed a festive red dress with poufy asymmetrical shoulders for Oprah to wear on the cover of the December issue of her magazine. Ellen, in a white suit, strikes a pose next to her fellow talkshow host. Gurung calls Oprah "a role model, a mentor, a leader and a constant source of inspiration." [People]
• Jean-Paul Gaultier's collection for Target will, he says, "shock parents, shock teachers." Perhaps not as much as his unwitting floor show at the Standard hotel, which has windows overlooking the High Line and Chelsea. "So, I am in the bedroom where it is an exhibitionist event!" says Gaultier. "I did not know that, so I did exhibition without knowing what I was doing. I did not know people could see. But, nobody was looking. It's quite hilarious, it's excellent." [The Cut]
• Heidi Klum will be the face of Ann Taylor's holiday collection. The company is struggling to reinvent itself after season upon season of declining sales and clothes that even the CEO has admitted were lacking in the design department. Photographer Peter Lindbergh and supermodel Klum are, apparently, part of the rejuvenation plan. [People]
• Someone is licensing John Lennon's artwork for a clothing collection. Imagine that! [UPI]
• Weirdest fashion story ever? German Vogue has an editorial featuring Lost's Jorge Garcia and Christie Brinkley. Bruce Weber shot it in Montauk. [Fashionista]
• Wow. Brazilian Vogue might just be worse than American Vogue. [MadeinBrazil]
• Adam Lippes has foot-in-mouth disease. After previously telling reporters that "it's rare to find an intern — especially one from a fashion school — that has good style," two of his workers came to him to suggest that he might, you know, apologize. He pooh-poohed them ("I was like, 'I don't mean THESE interns!'"), then reconsidered. He assembled the intern crowd, and told them "I just meant, like, fashion students." They seemed skeptical. "Meanwhile, one of them is wearing silver boots up to here and is a guy. 'Not you! Those boots are great.' But it was fine." Sure it was. The cherry on top: "Some of my interns dress fantastically." [The Cut]
• Diesel, which stopped selling its jeans in Macy's in 2005 to up its brand value, is reportedly in negotiations to sell a lower-priced line exclusively through the mega-retailer. "If they keep going this route, they'll end up like Levi's," says one person inside the company. [NYPost]
• Meanwhile, Macy's forecasts its same-store sales to fall 1-2% for the fourth quarter. Shares fell 3.4% in the day's trading. [Reuters]
• If you've ever wanted to experience the world of malodorous anguish and foot pain that is fashion blogging, here's your chance to submit to a humiliating public competition and vote! [Grazia]
• The Shophound thinks the clerks at New York's new Banana Republic are way too friendly. [Shophound]
• American Apparel's quarterly profits rose 83%, to $4.2 million, but investors aren't buying it. The stock price sank 4.6%, to $2.49. [NYPost]
• Italian cashmere producer Brunello Cucinelli runs a factory with long lunch breaks, no timeclocks, and posted "rules" are quotes from philosophers and writers. He thinks he can afford to be both a great boss and a good businessman, and his company's revenues for this year are forecast to reach 154 million Euros, which is some 7% greater than last year, even with the recession. [Reuters]
• Talbots has reportedly hired outside consultants to help the company, which has weathered five quarters of successive losses, refinance $225 million in debt. [NYPost]

• Heidi Klum is not Superwoman, okay? She's not walking in the Victoria's Secret runway show a mere month after giving birth to her fourth child. She's just going to host it. Sheesh. Some people have such unrealistic expectations. [E!]

• Meanwhile, this year's angels have been named: Candice Swanepoel, Chanel Iman, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Emanuela de Paula, and Lindsay Ellingson have all been welcomed into the fold. [SB]
• In other important lingerie news, some people who sell bras in London say that 1950s-style pointy bras are gaining popularity. However, none of the equipment pictured looks that pointy. [Daily Mail]
• Tom Ford says he struggled with depression after leaving Gucci, in 2004. "I started to sink emotionally, spiritually. I became a little bit lost. Leaving Gucci, it intensified because I had been able to cling to my job and to my work and to my identity as a successful fashion designer, and all of a sudden that was gone. It forced me to really think, Well, what am I, who am I, what am I about? It took me a bit of time to figure that out. I think this happens to most people in their life if they're insightful enough to indulge it and to get through to the other side." [W]
• This week's episode of Project Runway was shot partly at the Getty Center, and the challenge for the contestants is to create outfits that somehow reflect the museum and its architecture. There's a free screening at 7 tonight at the museum. [LATimes]
• Lady Gaga is now backtracking from her earlier claims, to Flare magazine, in which she said she would do a clothing line "at some point." The singer told the Accessories Council awards gala that she and her styling team aren't into that: "We will never do a line; we are not an economy." Then Toms founder Blake Mycoskie reminded the audience, gathered to celebrate, in Diane Von Furstenberg's words "friends you can carry with you and they make you feel better," that "Shoes, for 40 percent of the world, are not an accessory. They're a necessity." [Style.com]
• 50 Cent's torso appears in all its smoothly airbrushed glory for his new fragrance campaign, which he revealed to People. [People]
• Stephanie Winston-Wolkoff, who, until this July, worked at Vogue and essentially ran the annual Met Costume Institute Gala, has just been confirmed as the new director of fashion week at Lincoln Center. [FWD]
• There's news about Isaac Mizrahi's QVC collection, which goes on sale December 4, but we know what we all really are curious about is the cheesecake that will be sold. It's made by Junior's, the top looks to be printed with tartan in edible inks, and the crust is chocolate-flavored cookies. It'll be $40. Also for sale will be an Isaac Mizrahi banana nut loaf and chocolate-chip cookies. Yum. [WWD]
• Sociology major and current Prada face Kendra Spears, on embarrassing moments: "Well, during a hurried interview backstage an investigatory journalist asked me what I liked to do when I was at home and I said, 'nothing too commotious.' Afterwards, I realized commotious isn't even a word." And on jobs she held, pre-modeling: "I worked part time as an assistant to the owner of a company called LiftPort which was (and may still be) in the forefront of technologies, mostly carbon nanotubes, to build an elevator into space." [W]
• Because of the weak economy, more parents are trying to get agency representation for modeling and talent work for their children. Also because of the weak economy, there are fewer jobs to go around, and those jobs are still offered are less well-paying. [WSJ]
• Rumor has it that John Galliano is designing and decorating this year's Christmas tree for London's Claridge's hotel. [Style.com]
• Joanna Lumley and Jennifer Saunders of Absolutely Fabulous are in the Marks & Spencer holiday ads. [Mirror]
• Designer Adam Lippes, who staffs his office with around 20 interns at any one time, says of them: "[I]t's rare to find an intern — especially one from a fashion school — that has good style. Because they try sooo hard, and it never works! You know?" Having been once dressed by an Adam Lippes intern who was wearing a kind of 1980s Medusa costume, with a corset, we are tempted to agree, but for chrissakes, Lippes, they work for you for free. (Also: look who's talking.) [The Cut]
• Photographer Jean-Baptiste Mondino is against France's proposed retouching laws, which would require digitally altered images to bear labels stating that they have been, well, digitally altered. He tells Libération Next, "The photos of old Hollywood? Retouched! The iconic image of Che Guevara? Retouched! All the photos taken by Richard Avedon of Marilyn Monroe? Retouched! And all of this before today's software existed, of course. Legs were lengthened using a wide angle; skins were smoothed through overexposure." Because using a wide-angle lens is exactly the same as scissoring one head onto another body and placing the Frankenstein creation into a separately shot background and then liquifying the nose a little and changing the light source and strength and whittling down the waist. [WWD]
• Christian Siriano's holiday collection for Payless has turned up online. Are these even supposed to bear any resemblance to what he shows with his runway collection anymore? [Payless]
• Jodi Arnold, starting with her resort collection, is changing the name of her line from MINT Jodi Arnold, to Jodi Arnold NYC. The designer, who has a new job working on a collaboration with The Limited, also just opened her first store, a pop-up in Greenwich village. [WWD]
• The son of the founder of Escada is one of the bidders — in a consortium with the former head of Gucci and the department store owners Borletti Group — for the bankrupt German house. They are offering $118.2 million. [Reuters]
• Steve Madden is not only not bankrupt, it's feeling pretty acquisitory. C.E.O. Edward Rosenfeld says the company is on the lookout for brands worth $30-$40 million, but could splurge on something worth up to $100 million. [TS]
• Valentino head Stefano Sassi, says everything at the house is just great!!! Nothing to see here!!! Doth the C.E.O. protest too much? [Reuters]
• Liz Claiborne's third quarter losses were even bigger than expected. This is the company's eighth consecutive quarter of losing money. [WSJ]

• The Emmy Awards are tonight, and host Neil Patrick Harris apparently has a few tricks up his sleeve, including a visit from Dr. Horrible and John Hodgman announcing questionable factoids as the winners go up to collect their prizes. [EW]

• The stars are already collecting swag, picking up platinum baubles, video games, luxury trips and designer handbags at various Emmy gifting suites. [NYTimes]
• Seth MacFarlane hopes to make history tonight by having Family Guy pick up the Best Comedy Series award. [NYTimes]
• Tom O'Neil of the theenvelope.com, an awards show website, says that he's afraid the Emmys will be filled with repeat winners: "I think we will definitely see repeats of the best drama and comedy winners of last year, and we risk seeing repeats of all of the top winners for the first time in Emmy history. There's going to be a lot of outcry if that happens and unjustifiably so, because if these shows deserve to win, they should. But people want fresh new things." Among those potential repeat champs? 30 Rock and Mad Men. [Reuters]
• Hugh Laurie says the limp he puts on in order to play House is taking a toll on his body: "The show might last to series seven, eight or nine but I don't know if I will, because I'm starting to lose my knees a little bit. It's a lot of hip work. There's things going badly wrong. I need to do yoga." [DailyExpress]
• Katherine Heigl's husband, Josh Kelley shared his excitement about his new baby daughter, Naleigh, with a crowd at one of his concerts on Friday: "We adopted a baby from Korea, me and my girl, and she's awesome, dude! This girl is the bomb!" [People]
• Singer Lucinda Williams married her manager Tom Overby during a concert on Friday night. [USWeekly]
• "I am not a parasite, I am not a gold-digger. I've always just told wanted her for her love, not her money."-Blake Fielder-Civil on his ex-wife, Amy Winehouse [NewsoftheWorld]
• According to a source, Avril Lavigne and husband Deryck Whibley split because the couple "married too young and she finally realized that. Avril realized she needs her own life and needs to explore things without him." [People]
• Michael Jackson reportedly hated Pepsi, the soda he endorsed for many years. [ShowbizSpy]
• Michael Caine says he's no longer interested in leading roles: ""It's very tiring. As an actor you say, ‘I want a bigger part', but when you get to my age you look through the script to see how many days off you've got." [DailyExpress]
• Kanye West's ex-fiance, Alexis Phifer and his current girlfriend, Amber Rose showed up wearing similar outfits to US Weekly's "Most Stylish New Yorker" party and "kept throwing each other dirty looks all night." [PageSix]
• "I'm blessed. I have a beautiful mother and beautiful father so I guess you could say I'm blessed with good genes. It's important to have a certain look in the industry but I honestly tend to wake up and comb my hair with my hands."- Chace Crawford [ShowbizSpy]
• Monty Python stars John Cleese and Michael Palin are reportedly thinking about working together again. [DailyExpress]
• Being well-rounded is beautiful. You can't base beauty on one [characteristic], although having humility would be on the top of my list. And being kind. Kindness is so underrated! If I start to wallow in self-pity, I take someone to lunch or make someone laugh. Kindness is like no drug ever."- Kristen Bell [JustJared]
• Taylor Momsen apparently has a clause in her record contract that allows her to sing for free on the set of Gossip Girl and on the set of "Runaways Project," though Momsen has not yet been added to the cast of the upcoming Runaways film. [TMZ]
• Sissy Spacek will be joining the cast of HBO's Big Love as "a powerful Washington, D.C. lobbyist." [ONTD]
• "My Russian acting coach told me I was a disgrace to the Moscow Theatre. So I was determined to prove him wrong and do good work. I've never had my eye on a prize. I really wanted to enjoy the passage of time. Before Friends and the success of that I have a graveyard of sitcoms that, thank god, you don't know about. I was happy to get a job every year, whether it went on or not."-Jennifer Aniston [ShowbizSpy]

• Angelina Jolie, as you may know, was in Baghdad yesterday. Saint Angelina walked through a makeshift settlement where 20,000 displaced Iraqis live, and said:

"It is lacking in all of the basic things that you would need, they don't have. They just started to have clean water. They're sleeping on dirt. They have built these areas out of brick by hand. They don't have job opportunities… We have still many young men and women from our country who are fighting every day, there are men and women from all countries who have lost their lives, and this is a time to try to make some positive change." [CNN]

• Angelina told one man: "It takes a lot of strength for you to survive this life. I don't know if I would be strong enough to survive this." And she vowed that this trip would not be her last: "I want to come back and find you in a better place and in a different situation… You need help not because you are poor, but because you are the future of Iraq." [NY Daily News]
• Gerard Butler doesn't have the body he had in 300, says a source. "He's so embarrassed that his six-pack abs have gone, he works out wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses." [Page Six]
• "Mischa's Shocking Interview," filmed a few days before she was taken to the hospital, is not shocking at all. She is talking about fashion and appears very normal. Unless that is shocking? [The Sun]
• Spotted: Tom Cruise out dancing with David and Victoria Beckham. [Page Six]
• Amy Winehouse in court: "I'm probably 5 foot 2 inches to 3 inches tall… But my hair does make a difference." She claims she was wearing flats (ballet slippers, obvs) and could not have hurt the 5 foot 7 woman who claims Amy punched her. [NY Post]
• …And presto! Amy Winehouse has been acquitted of assault. [AP]
• Here's what happens: Kate Major was a reporter, then she "fell for" Jon Gosselin, now other reporters are digging up dirt about her past, like the time she fell down the stairs at a party and loves to drink. [Radar]
• "Jon Gosselin's new girlfriend Kate Major has always sought fame, sees him as meal ticket: insiders." [Gatecrasher]
• Footage of New Moon debuted at Comic-Con yesterday and it "played in part like a matchup of dueling abs." [EW]
• Robert Pattinson seems to have settled in to his new, insane fame: "I pretty much live an almost identical life apart from being recognized," he says. "That's not exactly the worst thing in the world." [People]
• Twilight peeps say Robert and Kristen Stewart have "incredible chemistry." OMG just like the movie! [People]
• More from Comic-Con: Kristen Stewart said, "Uh, I can't wait to get pregnant," in reference to Breaking Dawn. Robert Pattinson added: "I can't wait to perform the Caesarean!" [E!]
• Kate Hudson is a "good luck charm" for boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. [Gatecrasher]
• Megan Fox's rep says Megan Fox never turned down a James Bond movie. "The report about Megan Fox turning down a Bond movie is completely not true. There have been no discussions nor any offers. Megan is a fan of the Bond movies." [People]
• Check out her new AT&T commercials (video at the link) and see how relentlessly fierce Mary J. Blige is. [BrandWeek]
• Michelle Trachtenberg will be working on a new show, Mercy, but she'll still be doing Georgina on Gossip Girl, saying: "Georgina's not going anywhere… She's never gonna die. There's nothing you can do to kill her. It's like one of those horror movies where they're like, 'She's dead,' and then she wakes back up and is like, 'No, I'm not.'" [NY Mag]
• Trachtenberg's "Blacklist" is pretty hilarious: "4. People who refer to themselves in the third person. Michelle thinks that's ridiculous." [BlackBook]
• Twelve-year-old Prince Jackson is "traumatized," as he was the one child who witnessed the doctor's unsuccessful attempts at resuscitation on his father. [Daily Mail]
• This report claims Michael Jackson pleaded for drugs because he had insomnia. [Mirror]
• Katherine Jackson was financially dependent on Michael Jackson and has asked a judge to provide an allowance for Michael's three kids (out of the estate) due to an "urgent need." Court documents claim that Katherine has only "extremely modest" Social Security benefits. [People]
• Oh, God. "Michael Jackson wore a prosthetic nose, according a report — and it was missing from his surgically mangled face as he lay in an LA morgue." [NY Post]
• Demi Moore is suing an Australian magazine for printing a series of photo booth-style photographs, which Demi owned and did not give permission to be published. In the pix? Demi, Rumer Willis, Orlando Bloom, P. Diddy, Cameron Diaz and Amanda De Cadenet. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• A judge has awarded Kelis a whopping $55,000 a month in combined spousal and child support from estranged husband Nas. [TMZ]
• Hmm, this report says Nas will pay $40,000. [People]
• Solange cut her hair and people are freaking the fuck out. [People]
• Bono has invested in the smartphone maker Palm, but is doing commercials for BlackBerry. [NY Post]
• Cailtin Moran on Kendra Wilkinson getting married at the Playboy Mansion and referring to Hef as a "father figure": "Because if there's one thing that holding your wedding in the building that has come to represent licentiousness, misogyny, exploitation and cheap nylon split-crotch panties at the breakfast table, it's referring to the soft pornographer who was 'intimate' with you all those years as 'Dad.'" [Times of London]
• Someone really wants you to keep watching Drop Dead Diva: Upcoming guest stars include Liza Minnelli, Paula Abdul, Tim Gunn, Delta Burke, Jorja Fox and more. [Pop Wrap]
• Jerry Hall will be nude on stage in Calendar Girls on London's West End, and says she is "terrified." "Nudity is always terrifying, even now… And yes, I have to admit I've been trying to eat less. I've been doing yoga classes with some girls in Richmond and eating lots of salads. The nudity scene is brilliantly comic — I was roaring with laughter when I saw it — but I'm worried about whether the buns are going to cover my breasts." [Daily Mail]
• This item is about John Lennon's penis. [Page Six]
• Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler: Still on. [Page Six]
• John Cleese is being treated for inflammation of the prostate gland — and will miss the Just For Laughs festival in Montreal, Canada. [The Sun]
• Eddie Van Halen: Recovering from hand surgery. [Rolling Stone]
• "I started smoking when I was 24, because I'm an idiot. I don't enjoy it so much now, because I've become such a slave to it. I hate planning my life around when I'm getting a cigarette." — Katherine Heigl. [Daily Mail]
• "I just loathe homophobia. It's just disgusting and animal and stupid and it's just thick people who can't get their heads around it and are just scared. I grew up around gay people entirely. I was the only child in my class who had any experience of homosexuality or anything like that." — Daniel Radcliffe, who looks pretty cute on the cover of gay magazine Attitude. [The Sun]
• "One day, sure, but pregnancy scares me. I know I'll be one of those women who looks pregnant all over the body. I'll get fatter and fatter from my toes up." — Katherine Heigl, when asked if she will have kids some day. [Daily Mail]
• "In a way it's good, but I also don't want people thinking of me as this blond heiress… airhead. But that is kind of my brand. I make a lot of money by doing that. I always looked up to Princess Diana and all these women, and now I could never be like that. I want to have a family. I want to be normal. I want to be happy." — Paris Hilton, on the "character" she invented. [Yahoo News via E!, E!]
• "I'm playing Speckles, the mole, and he's an outsider. He's an iconoclast — he doesn't fit in… I'm comfortable with the mole, yeah. I mean, yeah, he's different, he's got issues, you know? I don't want a perfect character, I want a character who has, as strange as it sounds, some humanity, some flaws, some needs. But to be fair, I'm not in a lot of this movie. This is Darwin's movie, um Sam Rockwell and Penelope Cruz's movie — they're the stars. I'm only in it at the beginning and the end." — Nicolas Cage on his role in G-Force. Yes, that is the guinea pig movie. [CNN]
• "I'm probably 20% atheist and 80% agnostic. You'll either find out or not when you get there. Until then, there's no point thinking about it." — Brad Pitt. [Gatecrasher via Bild]

• Star reporter Kate Major resigned today after announcing that she's dating Jon Gosselin, as she wouldn't want this conflict of interest to tarnish the mag's stellar reputation. Too bad Michael Lohan won't stop talking about his new BFFs.

• According to Lohan, who spoke with Radar Online and ABC News today, Major, who is best friends with his fiance Erin Muller, called him and said she and Jon needed a place to stay to get away from the paparazzi. Lohan says they've both been sleeping over his house. He wouldn't say whether they're sharing a room, but when asked about whether their relationship is romantic, he said: "Let me ask you a question: If she was using him why did she resign from the Star? I don't get involved in Jon's personal life but I'm not his manager or publicist. I'm just someone who's trying to help him out, like I've been trying to do with my daughter [Lindsay] her entire life." [ABC News, Radar Online]
• When Hailey Glassman, who reportedly said earlier this week that she was ready to be a stepmom to Jon's eight kids, heard that he and Kate Major were an item she said, "That's news to me." Later a teary Glassman added, "I still love Jon and Jon loves me." [People]
• The court in the Michael Jackson probate case has allowed the special administrators to make several book publishing agreements to reprint MJ's autobiography Moonwalk. The documents said it's best "for all book publishing agreements to be entered as soon as possible, as sales of the book and profits for the estate will be maximized the sooner the book is released due to the notoriety surrounding Michael Jackson's unexpected death and the resulting heightened demand for such products." [TMZ]
• Even though evidence of Michael Jackson's prescription drug use was found during the investigation into child molestation charges in 2003, prosecutors didn't bring it up in the case. "It wasn't a drug investigation," says a lawyer who didn't work on the case. "It was a lost opportunity for everyone to step in and say this not a healthy environment in every way." [People]
• Nas and Kelis have a new baby boy. Kelis gave birth to Knight Jones last night with her mother and sister by her side. It's unclear if Nas was at the hospital or not. [People]
• M.I.A. has posted a picture of her 5-month-old son in his own version of the outfit she wore to the Grammys while she was pregnant. Too cute! [Buzzfeed]
• So You Think You Can Dance judge/producer Nigel Lythgoe is hinting that if American Idol doesn't want Paula Abdul he'll hire her. [The Sun]
• Apparently Summer and Marissa aren't BFFs in real life. When the paparazzi asked Rachel Bilson if she's talked to Mischa Barton since her hospitalization, she replied: "I haven't spoken to her." [E!]
• Nick Lachey just can't stay out of it. Since his breakup with Vanessa Minnillo he's been partying and picking up various women. A source says on a recent evening, "He picked up five girls and they all snuck out the back door with him." [E!]
• Beyonce's sister Solange Knowles has shaved her head. TMZ is horrified, but we think she looks pretty cute. [TMZ]
• Chace Crawford says he didn't cut off his signature bangs intentionally. "I was over in London and someone cut it too short and I had to go to an event and I threw it back and it turned out to be some big deal." He said when he returned to the Gossip Girl set two weeks ago he, "showed up on set the first day and said, ‘Listen…can we do my hair this way for the first episode? Because it's a little short…' . And it kinda stuck. It was good to switch things up, though." [People]
• Nicholas Cage will switch on the Christmas light in Bath, England, where he owns two homes, this year. [The Telegraph]
• Jane's Addiction have canceled all of their upcoming Australian tour dates because drummer Stephen Perkins has an elbow infection. He's been hospitalized and is expected to make a full recovery. [Rolling Stone]
• Here's a list of some things People thinks you're supposed to know about the host of MTV's It's On With Alexa Chung: she's a contributing editor at British Vogue, she designs jewelry, and she's dating Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys. [People]
• When asked about her musical influences Miley Cyrus said: "I love Coldplay and the Killers and John Lennon - all dudes, because I have a low voice. I do, I like that sound because it is a little more edgy." [Star-Telegram]
• "I want longevity. I still want to be working when I'm 70. So I'm eager to vary things. You get more interesting as you get older." — Anna Friel [The Telegraph]
• Eleanor Coppola, who shot the documentary Hearts of Darkness: A Filmmaker's Apocalypse on the set of her husband Francis Ford Coppola's Apocalypse Now says, "I never intended to make the documentary of all documentaries. I was just trying to keep myself occupied with something to do because we were out there for so long. I just had never shot a documentary before. They wanted five minutes for a TV promotional or something and I thought sooner of later I could get five minutes of film and then it went on to 15 minutes. I just kept shooting but I had no idea ... the evolution of myself that I saw with my camera. So, it was a surprise for both of us and a life changing experience." [CNN]
• T.R. Knight says of leaving Grey's Anatomy, "From an outsider's perspective, I get the [impression that] 'He's just a spoiled actor…he doesn't know how good he has it.' There are a lot of people who would like to be in my position. But in the end, I need to be fulfilled in my work." [Entertainment Weekly]
• Tyler Perry says his greatest accomplishment has nothing to do with business. "My biggest success is getting over the things that have tried to destroy and take me out of this life. Those are my biggest successes. It has nothing to do with work." [CNN]
• Sarah Ball says of her Harry Potter character Lavender Brown, "I think that she's misunderstood, really. She's insecure, I think, and her main problem is that she's just obsessed with Ron. She loves him. She's almost borderline under a spell: she is just entranced by him, and that kind of causes her to become a bit wayward. She's not really aware of how she's coming across to everybody, as a bit mad. She realizes pretty quickly that he has feelings for somebody else-Hermione-and she kind of reacts to that by becoming incredibly clingy and possessive and loud and annoying. But I think she's just got a big heart and she just wants to be loved, you know?" [Newsweek]
• Jack White is launching a subscription service because he's unhappy with the way download in is affecting music experiences. "It's taken a lot of the romance out of the experiences of music. This is what we're trying to manipulate to the advantage of the fan/listener and the artist as well, to find ways to have beautiful experiences that have a longer lasting impact. Sometimes things you have complete easy access to, like a reality show, or an online purchase at the click of a mouse, can become forgetable and invisible. A trip to a record store to get the album you've been waiting months for on the other hand, can be cherished for a lifetime." [BBC]
• Willem Dafoe accidentally stabbed himself during a play years ago, but he still prefers doing his own stunts. He explains, "I try to do as many of my own stunts as possible. If you keep on taking yourself out of the role you play, you lose the thread of the character." [The Telegraph]
• Katie Price said she "heard things" but about husband Peter Andre cheating on her but, "As far as I know I think he was faithful." He says, "I can hold my head up high and say I've been 100 per cent faithful throughout my marriage and still am." So everyone agrees he was faithful, right? [The Mirror]
• Johnny Depp said recently that he'd love to star in a Carol Channing biopic — and she's given him her blessing. "I imagine when or if Johnny should portray me, he will succeed," she said, "Because a true artist, such as himself, is one who loves his or her creation and therefore represents their honest view of that which they are creating. I think he is a gifted performer and I would be very proud, as well as interested, in seeing what his vision of me would be... Men have been imitating me for as long as I can remember. In fact, most of the impersonations I have seen have had a five-o'clock shadow." [E!]

Suu Kyi is the daughter of Aung San, a revolutionary who helped Burma win its independence from Britain ("Burma" is the name used by opposition groups to refer to the country now officially known as Myanmar). She has spent 13 of the last 19 years in some form of custody, due to her pro-democracy activism and helped found the National League for Democracy, which won in a landslide in Burma's 1990 general election (the ruling military junta nullified the results). Suu Kyi, who was voted Prime Minister, was already under house arrest at the time, for giving speeches and campaigning for democracy after a ban on political gatherings. Her continued nonviolent campaigning won her the Nobel Peace Prize in 1991.

The latest change in Suu Kyi's status comes as a result of the American John William Yettaw, who reportedly swam across a lake, snuck into Suu Kyi's home, and stayed there for two days. He had tried to visit her once before, in 2008; both times, she told him to leave, but this time he refused. Yettaw's stepson says he "is harmless and not politically motivated in any way." No one knows what does motivate him, but Suu Kyi's lawyer Kyi Win doesn't much care. "Everyone is very angry with this wretched American. He is the cause of all these problems," he said. "He's a fool."

Burma's junta, which took power in 1988 after a bloody uprising, says that by allowing Yettaw's visit Suu Kyi violated Article 22 of the Law Safeguarding the State from the Danger of Subversionists (aka Scary Totalitarian Rule No. 1). The National League for Democracy, however, says she has violated no law. Many speculate that Yettaw's intrusion is merely an excuse for the junta to extend this particular round of detention for Suu Kyi, which began in 2003. Sein Win, Prime Minister of Burma's opposition government-in-exile, said, "It is nothing more than a political ploy to hoodwink the international community so that it can keep (Suu Kyi) under lock and key while the military maneuvers its way to election victory on 2010."

Aung San Suu Kyi To Be Put On Trial [Guardian]
3RD: Myanmar's Suu Kyi Charged Over Detained American's Visit [Breitbart]
Suu Kyi To Stand Trial Again Over US Visitor [Independent]
Suu Kyi Charged With Violating House Arrest [Independent]

• Officials are confirming that Hillary Clinton met with Barack Obama in Chicago to talk about a potential Cabinet slot. Two "senior Democratic officials" confirmed to the Huffington Post that Clinton was offered Secretary of State and asked for time to consider it, but she didn't admit to anything at a press conference in Albany. [NY Times, Huffington Post]
• Barack Obama and John McCain are going to meet this weekend to talk about how they might be able to work together on something once Obama is President. It was arranged by Senator Lindsay Graham, McCain's Number One Fanboy. [Washington Post]
• Vermont Senator Pat Leahy became the one who broke the seal, announcing today that he's not going to support Connecticut Senator Joe "Turncoat" Lieberman's efforts to hold onto his committee chairmanship in the Democratic-controlled Senate since Lieberman isn't a Democrat, campaigned against the incoming Democratic President and endorsed a Republican. Glad someone has more of a spine than Harry Reid. [Washington Post]
• Speaking of backbones, thousands of people are expecting to protest the passage of Proposition 8 tomorrow, in California and around the country. [Huffington Post]

• Other things coming to Washington include: Barack Obama's favorite pizza in Chicago, which is not Chicago-style but is, I guarantee, better than all but about 5 pizza outlets in the D.C. Metro area. [Huffington Post]
• FDIC Chairwoman Sheila Bair (a contender for the Treasury Secretary slot in an Obama Administration, if the rumors are true) unveiled her $25 million plan to stop 1.5 million foreclosures next year by offering incentives to financial institutions to reduce homeowners' monthly payments. Current Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson reportedly hates the idea, preferring to spend the money buying stock in banks and encouraging addition lending, let alone that he doesn't want to have to cede 3.5 percent of his Congressional spending authority to a girl to, like, help struggling Real Americans instead of banks. [Washington Post]
• California Congressman Dan Lungen is planning on challenging Ohio Congressman John Boehner for House Minority Leader. I wonder if he knows the perma-tan isn't one of the perks? [CNN]
• Former Maryland Lt. Governor Michael Steele wants to take over the Republican National Committee. He faces a mass of other people that didn't have prime time speaking roles at the Republican National Convention. [Politico]
• McCain campaign manager Rick Davis took responsibility for not paying how much attention "a gal from New York" they hired to shop for Sarah Palin spent on her wardrobe since they didn't give her a budget or look at the bills. That only took until after your guy lost, dickwad. Nice timing. [CNN]
• Outgoing corrupt Republican Congressman Rick Renzi of Arizona (who will be replaced by Democrat Ann Kirkpatrick) will face racketeering and other new charges when he eventually goes to trial on being a corrupt bastard. [Huffington Post]
• Renzi's colleague-in-corruption Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has fallen behind in his bid to win re-election to the Senate seat he'd be forced from once he had to report to the clink. [LA Times]
• Joe The Motherfucking Plumber has a motherfucking book deal. I, on the other hand, do not. I can ask stupid questions! I swear! Call me, publishers? [Huffington Post]

• Just to prove to American voters that they are really unfeeling, the Republican National Committee released word today that the California Republican Party is filing an FEC complaint against Barack Obama for his visit to his dying grandmother, who passed away today. Is anyone home over there? [Washington Post]
• If you weren't already aware, Barack Obama doesn't want to see your underwear. Panty-flinging should remain metaphorical. [Politico]
• Sarah Palin is definitely not releasing her medical records. I want to be angry about this, but I wouldn't want reporters pawing around my gynecological exams either. [CNN]
• Republican Senator Orrin Hatch, having lived the last 8 years with his head firmly up his ass, thinks that the U.S. will "lose a lot of stature throughout the world" if we elect Obama. [Politico]

• Speaking of embarrassing America, the KKK is recruiting again in Ohio because of Obama. [The New Republic]
• In other embarrassing news, robocalls have gone out to voters in Toledo to try to convince them they can avoid long polling place lines by voting by phone. I'm sure they're totally not Republican-funded. [Rolling Stone]
• Calls telling Democrats to vote on Wednesday have been made to voters in Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, too. [Huffington Post]
• And Republican Senator Roger Wicker is so worried that he'll be voted out of office he's handing out sample ballots telling Mississippi voters he's a Democrat. [Huffington Post]
• Republican groups have started hitting Obama on his support for reproductive rights again through commercials, which will totally change the race for McCain. [Time]
• As will neocon Fred Kagan's idiotic weekend editorial that voters need to stop paying attention to the American economy, Wall Street and Main Street and start voting on what's happening on Baghdad's Haifa Street. Spencer Ackerman's got video of what Kagan knows about pretty much any street, which is to say "nothing." [Attackerman]

SPENCER: So it turns out Sarah Palin read CH yesterday, because a few hours later she sent me an email.

The left-wing activist group, ACORN, is now under investigation for voter registration fraud in a number of battleground states. ACORN's political action committee has endorsed Barack Obama and Senator Obama himself has said, "I have been fighting alongside ACORN on issues you care about my entire career." The Obama Campaign even paid more than $800,000 to an ACORN affiliate for "get out the vote activity." And now we find out that ACORN is suspected of voter registration fraud.
But, the Obama-Biden Democrats would rather sweep these facts under the rug and use their mainstream media allies to bury this story. But we can't let that happen. We can't allow leftist groups like ACORN to steal this election.

(I took out all the personal stuff.)

MEGAN: Well, sure, I mean, Todd doesn't need to know the rest of it.

SPENCER: She might have missed our point, but it looks like today will be a Part II to yesterday: return of the race-based GOP. ACORN, of course, is a civil-rights group that, among other things, registers minority voters. In other words THOSE PEOPLE.

MEGAN: Oh, Spencer, now, let's be fair, I'm sure they register white people who won't vote Republican, too. Nah, fuck that, we can be honest. The Republicans are mostly scared of the African-American ones.

SPENCER: As this Washington Post piece makes clear, the charges against ACORN are bullshit, marginal, and part of a campaign to make white people afraid of Obama. Look at, for instance, this aspect of a McCain ad:

The McCain campaign also has sought to link ACORN to the financial crisis. One of the campaign's online ads says the Chicago chapter of the group was engaged in "bullying banks" to issue "risky" mortgages — "the same type of loans that caused the financial crisis we're in today," the ad's narrator says.

MEGAN: Well, I think this Guardian piece goes even further, accusing Republican officials of staging a fake raid, which they did.

SPENCER: Message: don't let those n****** steal the election like they stole the economy..

MEGAN: Oooh, ooh, back to Ann Coulter's meme that black people brought this economic crisis down on White America. I can't believe Republicans are actually using that.

SPENCER: A fake raid? Explain. That is pure Nixonland right there. Next they'll bus in Arabs to their rallies to chant about getting out of Iraq.

MEGAN: Wait, it gets better, the Guardian points out that it's vintage GWB!

As luck would have it, the Democrats have a man who, as an attorney years ago, actually had the temerity to join the US department of justice in representing Acorn in a successful lawsuit, forcing the state of Illinois to follow the law by allowing citizens to register to vote at the department of motor vehicles. What a scoundrel.

That, of course, was before the department of justice, under George Bush's corrupt command, would itself become politicised by the very Republicans so desperate to keep low-income voters from voting, that they were willing to fire their own US attorneys for failing to bring phoney charges of voter fraud in key swing states like Nevada and Missouri.

SPENCER: (Nixon used to ensure that unruly hippies would be at his rallies in order to stoke the silent-majority sense of besiegement and make himself look heroic. It's all in this book you should read.)

MEGAN: Well, we could try a little truth, too:

Acorn verifies the legitimacy of every registration its canvassers collect. If they can't authenticate the registration, or it's incomplete or questionable in other ways, they flag that form as problematic ("fraudulent", "incomplete", et cetera). They then hand in all registration forms, even the problematic ones, to elections officials, as they are required to do by law.. In almost every case where you've heard about fraud by Acorn, it's because Acorn itself notified officials about the fraud that's been perpetrated on them by rogue canvassers.

Emphasis mine, obviously.

SPENCER: My God, this is a story tailor-made for ex-boss JMM. And, sure enough, Josh has cheat-sheet on the bullshitness of the ACORN smears. Yes, exactly. ACORN points out the errors that come with voter registration. Going after ACORN is a method of disenfranchisement. Perhaps — perhaps — that's why so many on the right have a problem with John Lewis:

Because of his civil-rights record, Mr. Lewis gets a pass from the media and his fellow politicians even when he makes incendiary comments. But with remarks like those on Saturday, he deserves to be seen less as a racial healer and more like any other politician who uses race as a sword.

MEGAN: Also, I love how Jonah Goldberg is accusing the wrong John of selling off his reputation. Ahem.

SPENCER: That's the Wall Street Journal, shitting on the reputation of the one man who has done more for the actual freedom, prosperity and access to justice than any other living American.

MEGAN: Right, obviously, John Lewis was totally the first one to notice anything racial going on. Well, except for me, but I am obviously out to incite racial tensions by commenting on what's obvious to most non-white people and white people who have noticed that (gasp) racism still exists in this country.

SPENCER: We should push back on the idea that what Lewis said was somehow more "incendiary" than Palin saying Obama is "palling around with terrorists." Somehow it remains a greater sin to observe the racism of white people than for white people to engage in such racism. Which is where the ACORN stuff is all going: toward a narrative where YOUR election, YOUR economy, YOUR country was taken from you by by by by by those people!

MEGAN: Right, because accusing someone of treason is much less incendiary than suggesting that a climate of violent words can lead to one of violent action. But it's okay, because John McCain will whip him in the debate. Yup. He's gonna whip that boyuh.

SPENCER: A key aspect of that campaign is equivalence, and so McCain tells Dana Bash, absent any evidence or even an attempt at justification, that "I've heard the same things... said about me at Senator Obama's rallies." So this is the long game, the twisted process that passes for a coping mechanism from the American right, heartache and sore over losing an election just because it spent eight years plunging the country into deeper depths of chaos.

MEGAN: And let's put to rest the meme that they are stopping the Ayers based attacks, while they are actually stepping them up To whit, here is the script from the original ad, which is crappy and whatever.

SPENCER: Is this two ads or one?

MEGAN: Amusingly, it was one ad. And here is the new ad which I had to good fortune to hear on the radio this morning, in which they have edited the script.

SPENCER: "Blind Ambition." A projection?

MEGAN: Totally. The new ad, though, doesn't just call him a "terrorist" they call him a "domestic terrorist." They also outright accused Obama of lying AND they call the Annenburg Foundation a "radical" group on which they served together.

SPENCER: right. He lives among usssssss

MEGAN: Do you think they can actually get away with calling him a viper in the grass or some such? Because, really, that was some pretty radical shit trying to help low-income schools in Chicago.

SPENCER: Okay let me say something: I went to summer camp with Bill Ayers' sons. And to Zayd, Malik and Chesa, I'm really really sorry and appalled by the what the right is doing, and your revenge will come in about 20-something days.

MEGAN: Well, and not to go totally off-topic, but there may be plenty of revenge to spread around. The GOP is pulling money from challengers to fund safe incumbents in House races. Including one, Lee Terry, who is running ads tying him to Obama. The GOP is paying for ads in Nebraska that portray Obama positively.

SPENCER: Yes, look at the diminishing returns of Nixonland. JMart at Politico also had another telling story along those lines:

With party strategists fearing a bloodbath at the polls, GOP officials are shifting to triage mode, determining who can be saved and where to best spend their money.
The Republican National Committee, growing nervous over the prospect of Democrats’ winning a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate, is considering tapping into a $5 million line of credit this week to aid an increasing number of vulnerable incumbents, top Republicans say.

MEGAN: Also, let us not forget, the RSCC is forced to rely on this line of credit before their own former Treasurer swindled them out of several million dollars they have yet to recover. Oh, and the anti-regulation Club For Growth that most famously tried to unseat Arlen Specter in the 2004 primary is now a successful talking point against the right-wing candidates they backed — so much so that the moderate Republican they unseated in Maryland is campaigning for the Democrat against them. They're not just eating their young anymore, they're straight up devouring each other.

SPENCER: Dear Rick Perlstein, the country needs you to interpret this. Megan, you and I considered yesterday whether the GOP bottom-floor will hit when white people start voting for the party in significant numbers. But Yglesias had yesterday(ish) that white people still lean McCain, so we're clearly not there yet if so. But what about when the GOP can't get its most-promising recruits elected? Not the bottom floor, certainly, but closer to the foundation than the antenna.

MEGAN: Um, was that maybe Ezra who said it?

SPENCER: Ahhhh no this is Ezra riffing off Yglz.

MEGAN: Ah, okay. As I said yesterday, the Republican Party has been wholly conflicted since they built the unholy coalition of the religious right and the fiscal conservatives. They built a tower on a conflicted ideological foundation, and now it's crumbling with the shifts.

SPENCER: But that's been a durable coalition for many many years. I want the fracturing. We know the fault lines, but when is the earthquake? And how many more metaphors can we scramble up?

MEGAN: I think we can scramble many more metaphors! But this is no Leaning Tower of Pisa, this is, in my opinion, the slow decline and they know it. The religious right wants to spend money — tons of money — on social programs and foreign wars (how many neocons do you know that can rightly claim the mantle of fiscal conservatism)? And the fiscal conservatives are supposed to want lower taxes to get less government. Bush, and the Republican Presidents before him, were able to successfully split the difference by lowering taxes and increasing spending. How can John McCain do that in this climate? How can Congressional Republicans? And independent voters are starting to finally recognize that, I think. Hell, I think fucking Republican voters aren't escaping that.

SPENCER: Sure sure sure it's just that these tensions have been widely predicted to lead to the Fall Of The House Of Reagan — cf "The Conservative Crackup," The American Prospect, Fall 1990 — since before we were in junior high. I'm just saying I'll believe it when I see it happen, and I've lost all predictive capability for when it'll occur. There's something to the idea that the GOP's electoral success is predicated on the idea that it picked really strong currents in the American body politic to serve as the basis for its admittedly-idiosyncratic coalition, but the mortar here — the mayonnaise in the egg salad, since we're scrambling metaphors — is RACE. And it seems most likely to crack when the mortar loses its adhesive qualities, and I want to believe extremely badly that that will occur in a month, but my life is predicated on the sturdy principal that hopelessness is a better bet than hope, but fuck it, right?

MEGAN: Well, geneticists have been saying for years that there is more variation within so-called races than between them. It looks like the same might be true with politics this year, at least for one race.

OK!
"How I Got My Body Back!" A Britney exclusive. With new photos. How to lose 12 pounds in 30 days. There are "exclusive" shots of Brit on a treadmill and sitting on a horse. Here's how to lose weight: Don't eat sugar, including fruit, and only eat 1200 calories a day. Have grilled chicken breast with raw organic broccoli for lunch.
Grade: F- (nails on a chalkboard)

Life & Style
"Living Separate Lives." Actually, the whole story is on the cover: "Six days together, 15 days apart, Tom's in LA, Katie's in New York. Tense and tired, they're desperate to make it work!" Also inside: Rare photographs of Scarlett Johansson kissing fiancé Ryan Reynolds! (Fig 1.) Next: Britney has been sober for 201 days, can you believe it? It was January 3 when she was taken to the hospital in tears. How things have changed! Moving on: Joel Madden invited Mary-Kate Olsen back to his tour bus to show her pictures of Harlow. Then Joel told Nicole Richie about it on the phone and she freaked out. Lastly: A random quote from Calum Best re: Lindsay Lohan: "I hope I didn't turn her gay."
Grade: D (microphone feedback)


Us
"Tears, Joy & Scandal." Intern Margaret says that the info about Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin in this mag is only the "untold story" if you haven't been watching the Olympics on NBC. Plus! This story was written before the gymnastics ended (last night) so it's obviously not the full story. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer: "The Split Gets Nasty." Intern Margaret thinks Jennifer Aniston wrote this article. A "confidant" says: "This is not high school, but for some reason, John seems to think the whole world should know who ended the relationship." Another source says Jen dumped John because she thought he was tipping off the paparazzi to their location. Apparently things weren't totally dunzo until John made that long-ass video statement to the press. Now, a source says, "Consider the door slammed. Jennifer needs some time to herself. When she's ready, she needs to find a mature man, ready for a grown-up relationship." Noted. Us also points out that OK! repeatedly misled readers about Jen's love life (Fig. 2). Did you know that Lindsay Lohan is obsessed with Facebook? Next! Sharon Stone is dating a man half her age: She is 50, he is 25. Joel Madden was seen hanging out with Mary-Kate Olsen, whom he finds "amusing." Lastly: Verne Troyer is getting his own reality show. "It's about being a dwarf in Hollywood," he says. Imagine that!
Grade: D+ (dentist drill)


In Touch
"Brad Storms Out." Intern Margaret and I were sure that we had seen this cover before, but we could not find it. (We did find "Brad Walks Away", also on In Touch.) This time, they're fighting because Angelina's nerves are shattered and she might have post-partum depression. Brad goes out drinking and she yells at him when he comes home late smelling like smoke. She made him sleep in another bedroom. But! The day after their "fight" they were seen at a restaurant in the South of France holding hands through dinner and being very affectionate. So. Next: The Jennifer Aniston post-breakup status: "She wasn't hurt at all. She feels fine." Also, "Mohawks run in the family" for Joel and Harlow Madden (Fig. 3). Britney went to see Robin Thicke at the House of Blues in Hollywood and Justin was there with Jessica Biel! Britney wanted to get his attention but Justin never turned around, so they left without ever seeing each other, sigh. Okay, so The Hills castmates are fighting over money. Lauren Conrad gets $75,000 per episode, which comes to $1.4 million for the entire season, but she says, "I couldn't even tell you how much my friends make." Lastly: Jamie Lynn Spears has either "walked out" of her relationship with Casey Aldridge or just gone to her mom's house to visit.
Grade: C- (shrieking children)


Star
"Jen Turns To Brad." See, Jen was upset about her breakup with John Mayer, so she called Brad's mom, with whom she has maintained a friendship. Brad's mom was at Brad and Angie's chateau in France. Brad happened to walk into the room and his mom handed him the phone, so he ended up comforting Jen in her time of need. A source says,"He told her that John's probably not the right guy for her, he suggested that she stop trying so hard to meet someone before she turns 40. He told her there is no deadline, that she is a beautiful, wonderful person and the right guy is out there." At the end of the call, Brad said, "Of course we're still friends, call if you need me." Angelina was happy Brad was there for Jen and she's okay with them being friends. Hahaha! Moving on: Jamie Lynn, Runaway Bride! After hearing that Casey was cheating on her, JLS has decided to move to L.A. with baby Maddie. Britney's encouraging it! One of Casey's friends told the mag: "Casey's the kind of guy who will come to your party, drink all your beer, hit on your girlfriend and bounce." Eric "Dr. McSteamy" Dane and Rebecca Gayheart: Marriage on the rocks! She's checked into Chateau Marmont. Blind item! "Which actress is mulling over getting a nose job after another minor surgery went so well? Sources say she plans to get her schnoz fixed and is already shopping for docs in NYC." Next: Ashlee Simpson-Wentz went to the doctor and found out she's gained more weight than is considered healthy. She freaked out and bought six pairs of size zero jeans as weight-loss motivation. She's pregnant, btw. Here's a great caption on a picture of Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson: "Lindsay fell for Sam's protective nature, telling friends, 'She's the father I never had.'" Brad and Angelina sent blushing brides Ellen and Portia a present and an arrangement of white orchids and roses in a crystal vase — with one yellow rose, symbolizing friendship. Close friend Ryan Seacrest missed the ceremony but made the reception. Lastly, and random: While Ryan Cabrera was with Ashlee Simpson, he was banging Audrina Patridge! He was cheating on both of them. It was all over by the summer of 2006.
Grade: C (creaky door)


Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3