• Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, facing perjury charges in one case and assault charges in another, has been ordered to remain in Detroit instead of attending the Democratic convention. He tried to argue that his presence was really important to the Democratic party, but if Obama doesn't feel it's necessary to play nice with John Edwards, it's no surprise that his spokesman denied wanting Kilpatrick around either. [Washington Post]
• In other convention news, Hillary Clinton's going to get the opportunity to watch people vote for her Presidential campaign one last time before really, totally turning her delegates over to Obama. [Washington Post]
• And while some people I know are against Evan Bayh for VP because of war-mongeriness, others will probably turn against him upon finding out that he'd bring Mark Penn aboard as an adviser. Ugh. [Attackerman, The Atlantic]

• Jackson Browne is suing John McCain for copyright infringement for using his song "Running on Empty" in anti-Obama ads. He's not just mad about not getting paid, though — he, too, is an Obamaniac. [LA Times]
• John Moore, author of an anti-Bush book, like a number of other prominent Democrats (like Ted Kennedy) and anti-Bush types has found his name on the government's no-fly list. The FBI swears it's not political as though people actually believe that, and Moore says, "I'm stuck with everyone else on this list, wondering, am I someone's political enemy or do I live in a country where the government is just utterly and completely incompetent." Dude, like it can't be both at the same time? [CNN]
• Female suicide bombers returned to their regularly scheduled bombing programming earlier than I predicted on Tuesday. [Associated Press]
• Victoria Osteen prevailed in the lawsuit filed against her by a supposedly-wronged flight attendant. It might be actual justice, but where's the justice in my loss of Schadenfreude? [Associated Press]
• Uncle Pervy might resign, but it might not save him from prosecution. If it doesn't, why wouldn't he just hold stage another coup or something? Like we'd complain? [HuffPo]

• Victoria Osteen, wife of megachurch pastor Joel Osteen, is in court today facing a lawsuit that her "on-board temper tantrum caused the [flight attendant Sharon Brown] to lose her religious faith and suffer a flare-up of hemorrhoids." Osteen was reportedly trying to get a spill on her first-class armrest wiped up and elbowed Brown on the way to the cockpit to complain. The Osteens have already paid a $3,000 FAA fine for interfering with a flight crew. [WorldNet Daily, HuffPo]
• In other salacious news, the National Enquirer has finally gotten around to posting its pictures of John Edwards' Beverly Hilton romp. Hey, did anyone notice that he's not wearing the same clothes in the pictures they said he was wearing? That's weird, right? [National Enquirer, Glamocracy]

• The government came out with almost all of its evidence against Bruce Ivins, the anthrax scientist who killed himself as the FBI were preparing to arrest him. It seems pretty cut and dried — including the part where he misled investigators by telling them the anthrax belonged to an unnamed "other scientist" in the lab. Guess Moe and I were right. [Washington Post]
• In China news, President Bush today said that "America stands in firm opposition to China's detention of political dissidents, human rights advocates, and religious activists." Of course, he then said that they'll get to actual freedom through free trade, so it's China-policy-as-usual. [MSNBC]
• John McCain seemingly has his own Norman Hsu, as the media investigates Harry Sargeant III's large-dollar bundled from unregistered voters and first-time contributors. Corrections to the story, by the way, are already available. [Washington Post]
• A U.S. military tribunal convicted its first person — Osama bin Laden's driver Salim Hamden — of driving bin Laden but not of engaging in terrorism. It apparently means we'll be keeping him in prison for life instead of killing him, and that the military is going to keep on keepin' on with their Alternative-to-Justice Department. [Washington Post]

First, Schoff. He slipped into the septic tank in his backyard while trying to get a piece of toilet paper unstuck. The writer fantasizes about punching Joel Osteen in the face the whole way to Schoff's house but Schoff doesn't have much to tell him about the experience:

"Didn't smell s'bad. Smelled like dirt, mostly. I was covered in it. Dirt, and some other stuff. I'm a celebrity. There goes the guy from TV. Last time I went to church was probably thirty-five years ago…No, I wasn't angry. I'm pretty active. I was thinking I was dead. Got m' good days and m' bad days.

Then, Gisele. Did you know Gisele owns some sort of extended-stay hotel in Santa Monica? That's about the most revealing thing we learn here:

Look, I know who I am, and I know where I come from. I think there is danger obviously when you're really young and they make you all glamorous and then you start thinking you are that… This is exactly how I would describe my work: I get there, I put on the clohtes, I leave it on the hanger, and I go home. And that's what I do.

And finally, Michael Caine. Would you believe he's been married to his wife for 35 years? That's just one year longer than the amount of time Bob Schoff has been married to his wife! Caine is in a higher tax bracket, of course. He talks about that. The tax rate used to be 82% in California, you know. (Wait, can I get the math on this? And think we could try it again sometime?) What else does he say? Not a whole lot. But this passage stuck out. For obvious reasons.

Is it true that in the '60s you used to drink two bottles of vodka a day? My God, that's impossible I used to drink a lot. Yeah. Vodka's very easy to drink and very nice. You can drink it with a lot of stuff.
Yeah, but two bottles a day. How would you work or sleep? Or eat? When would you have time to do anything? Along with eighty cigarettes!
It's a very long day. But I didn't do that when I was working. And I don't do that now That was a long time ago.

And he probably doesn't remember any of it. Anyway, that GQ, they sure tried! But I guess for now it's summer, and the only thing to do is drink it away.

• Hillary won the Texas primary by four percentage points but she may actually wind up tied with Obama for the delegate count. Just trust me when I say I am outraged on her behalf. [Wonkette]
  
• It's official: Rush Limbaugh won yesterday for Hillary. [Reason]
  
• It's official: that leaked NAFTA document won yesterday for Hillary. Stephen Harper says so. Who's Stephen Harper? Ha ha ha, some interdependence that turned out to be. [Reuters]
  
• It's official: there were a BUNCH of reasons Hillary won last night but yeah it was mostly SNL. [Progressive]
  
• Personally I don't understand why no one is crediting Joel Osteen of the Church of Prosperity and Lingerie for winning it for Hillary because everyone loves money and lingerie. And also, Chelsea's highlights. I hate highlights but hers look hot. [Houston Chronicle]
  
• Yeah yeah yeah running mate whatever we'll cross that bridge when we come to it which is to say holy shit NEVER. [Politico]

• Oh my God. You know who resurfaced today, guys? Our pathologically embarrassing lame-duck president guy! To endorse John McCain. John McCain was sooooo honored I'm sure. [NY Times]
• Just for that he got Gen. Petraeus to say Al Qaeda was coming back. Wait a sec! I thought Al Qaeda was in Iraq. It's called "Al Qaeda in Iraq"! Mindfuck. [World Tribune]
• Being a woman sucks, yes it does, don't even try to deny it, something about Hillary. [Washington Post]
• Blogsentiment of the day: "One would hope for something as simple as "he talks a good game, but it's all a huge lie!!!!!" but it's not all a huge lie." [Atlantic]

Larry King: Is this — is this true, that you once exhorted women in the audience to shop at Victoria's Secret to help their marriage?

J. OSTEEN: Oh, well, that was — that's probably true. I think the whole...

KING: That's why you're smiling all the time.

J. OSTEEN: OK. OK. I hope it was in a good context, though. I mean, I wasn't — it's too much to explain now, but yes I did.

V. OSTEEN: Yes, he was encouraging women. He was encouraging women to take careful [care of?] themselves.

J. OSTEEN: Yes.

V. OSTEEN: And to not go around in their old, you know, bathrobes, and that they could add that spark to their home. And I think that was great.

KING: What's wrong with that?

J. OSTEEN: No, there's nothing. And that was my point, don't go look good and dress up to go to work and dress up to go to event[s?] for everybody else. Dress up for your own husband. I mean, look good at home.

Oh P.S. there's a poll attesting to the fact that everyone agrees with the Osteens; kill me now.

Preacher Joel Osteen Says Wives Should Shop At Victoria's Secret [Ada Calhoun]