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From The Department Of Vom
Today's News Is Brought To You By Andy Samberg's Soiled Pants
"Should I Wax My Buttcrack?"
CNN's Howard Kurtz: Just Call Them 'Jizzable'

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marshmallory
07/31/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
Daddy is not coming on anything!
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tscheese
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
Miracle Whip is fucking delicious. There, I said it. It's so, so wrong yet so, so right.

However, I cannot imagine in a million years using that as a meatloaf ingredient. I don't even like meatloaf, for pete's sake.
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Alessar
07/30/09

@tscheese: I ... I would expect it to break down when exposed to heat like that. Also: beets, eww.

The ad reminds me of a 1970s cookbook that someone gave me. It had some of the most truly disgusting things in it. I deemed it a tome of evil on a par with the Necronomicon and sent it off to be guarded by monks.
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boxspelunker
07/31/09

@Alessar: The Gallery of Regrettable Food?

http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/

I do love it so.
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pesematology
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
I like how they underlined "cook". I can see the Mad Men scene now...

(Out of a cloud of crude sexual comments, a dialogue emerges...)
Paul: "Let's just have a naked lady with "Miracle Whip" spelled out on her body in mayonnaise!
(Laughter. Ken looks like he is actually considering that angle. Sal smiles to cover a wince.)

Don: "That would be excellent if our target audience were bachelors and working girls."

Ken: "The problem is, this stuff is disgusting. What the hell is it made of anyway?"

Peggy: [Enters with folder in hand. Hands to Don. Starts to leave. Sees a crude sketch made by Paul of oversexed mayo ad. Considers it a moment.]

Don: "Peggy, how do you think we can market this mayonnaise substitute to women?"

Peggy: "What's in it?"

Paul: "Mayonnaise."

Peggy: [confounded expression] Oh. [Thinks] Well... women work hard to cook a meal for their man because they, well, uh, *want* something... you know, from him...

Everyone: [looks confused]

Peggy exits.

The next day:

(In a meeting)

Sal: "So this is our rough draft of the ad campaign for Miracle Whip. We put the text in a box shaped like a recipe card."

Paul: "And we went with your suggestions, Peggy."

Peggy: "Uh, maybe if you swap out the photo of the naked lady for a picture of meat loaf or something. And underline the word "cook", so they know this isn't some kind of thing to be used with the Relaxiciser."

[Laughter all around. Meeting is inexplicably and wordlessly adjourned.]
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Pandorasvoicebox
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
Cooked mayonnaise smells disgusting. I must have it on my cold sandwiches, but cooked? It's a sin. I once (foolishly) followed a recipe for the Best Grilled Cheese Ever that instructed you to slather the bread with mayo instead of butter before cooking it. Groooossss.
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labeled promoted this comment Edited by Pandorasvoicebox at 07/30/09 1:59 PM Pandorasvoicebox was starred Pandorasvoicebox was unstarred

labeled
07/30/09

@Pandorasvoicebox:No, that's the BOMB - it's lunch-lady grilled cheese all over again. The trick is not to slather, ever, but use a light hand - and mayo, never miracle whip.

Oh, nevermind. You're a beet person. Up is down, down is sideways.
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Edited by labeled at 07/30/09 2:10 PM labeled was starred labeled was unstarred

labeled
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
Boy, that was one outre recipe. TWO tablespoons finely chopped onion! One whole QUARTER of a teaspoon of pepper!

Heaven's, I swoon.
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BabyJane
07/30/09

@labeled: Make sure to have a glass of water nearby in the event that your palate finds the seasoning too aggressive.
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labeled
07/30/09

@BabyJane: It makes me sad for the meatloaf. I just want to reach back in time and whisper, "It'll get better, 50's meatloaf, I promise. There'll be sriracha, or jalapenos & cilantro, or even, with the 80's, French's Fried Onions. Just hang in there, baby."

ETA: "p.s., tell the oven that it's not slow, we love it just the way it is."
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Edited by labeled at 07/30/09 2:44 PM labeled was starred labeled was unstarred

shnuguel
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
50's food is hilarious. I had a 50's food party last year and it was the best!

question. what is miracle whip made of?
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labeled
07/30/09

@shnuguel: Same as mayo, more or less - egg yolks, oil, lemon juice/vinegar, dry mustard - MW ups the ante with HFCS and sugar.
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Lymed
07/30/09

@shnuguel: I was going to say it is made of yuck, and then I imagined the lawsuit I would find myself emerged in and decided against it.
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Alessar
07/30/09

@Lymed: If you're bored some time, read the ingredients in miracle whip, ketchup, mustard, and relish; then compare them to thousand island dressing.
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NewsBunny
08/08/09

@shnuguel: I may steal that party idea from you!
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thesciencegirl
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
We've discovered the real reason for the obesity epidemic: food used to be disgusting, whereas modern recipes are actually edible!
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randomslut
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom

ugh BARF. This "fill the center" business puts me in mind of Sandra Lee and her heinous concoctions. Exhibit A:
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thesciencegirl
07/30/09

@randomslut: ha ha ha, You have to watch the video of her assmebling that. By the time I got to the candles, I was crying with laughter. That is NOT food.
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Sanfo
07/30/09

@thesciencegirl: OHMYGOD.
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randomslut
07/30/09

@thesciencegirl: Oh my god I watched it five straight times, I wasn't sure whether I should be horrified or laughing hysterically. The Hanukkah cake was just as bad though- "let's make a vomit inducing, non-kosher cake to celebrate this holiday!"
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boxspelunker
07/31/09

@Sanfo: I mean, I have heard the horror stories, but it didn't seem that bad. I don't care for most frosting, but honestly, I would probably eat this.

Clearly, it should not be served at Kwanzaa, but... hey, I'd eat it for other special occasions.

Maybe I have no sense of taste?
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labeled
07/31/09

@boxspelunker: You saw the corn nuts, right? And know what they are? (Basically, really HARD deep fried hominy. I mean, addictive as hell at a softball tournament or something, but on a cake? No. A million times over.)
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morninggloria
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
This meatloaf will go perfectly with my pearl necklace!
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tscheese
07/30/09

@morninggloria: Hee hee hee hee. Hee.
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colormeroutine
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
Why why why is there mayo in a meatloaf in the first place?
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labeled
07/30/09

@colormeroutine: Apparently it's subbing for eggs as a binder. Which doesn't make it right.
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sybann
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
Hellmann's full fat all the way baby. None of that light crap for me. And yes, I've tried the olive oil version. Nope. And Miracle Whip? It's a miracle it's still on the market.
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NicoleItchy
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
No wonder everyone had to have 3 martini lunches and smoke constantly to kill their tastebuds!
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James Del
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
ZING!
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stealthird
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
Crinkle cut beets are not the answer.
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Aesop's Foibles. YES.
07/30/09

In reply to From The Department Of Vom
Oh and I just noticed the instructions: Pack the meat into a ring mold. This unfortunate grouping of words made me think of: Ringworms, Mold, and quarts of liquefied meat. I'm going to go now. And by go I mean forcefully expel the contents of my stomach via my mouth. brb.
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