One Man's Ode to His 'Liquid Fucking Gold' Sperm

"LaidNYC" purports to be a NY-based pick-up artist; you may know him from past rhetorical standouts like "Don't Marry Women over 25." His recent essay on how much his sperm is worth (a lot) can be summed up in this one prudent declaration: "My seed is liquid gold and I don't give it out like its god damn tap water." But the… » 9/05/13 12:10pm 9/05/13 12:10pm

A Complete Breakdown of the Nutritional Content of Semen

To swallow or not to swallow: that is the question. You can only really answer it for yourself, but we aim to help you make that decision an informed one. Here, we list every property found in an average splooge—protein, carbs, fat, cholesterol, etc.—and analyze what it means for you to ingest it in terms of… » 8/07/13 1:30pm 8/07/13 1:30pm

Watch the New Diet Coke Hunk Get a Soda-Jizz Facial

While regular sugar-filled Coke is focusing on "happy calories" and joy, Diet Coke reminds you that bubbles are sexy, men are sexy and sex is sexy. Also getting sprayed in the face is sexy. Back in 1994, Diet Coke debuted the "Diet Coke Hunk," a well-built construction worker who took off his shirt and guzzled a DC while… » 1/28/13 4:40pm 1/28/13 4:40pm

Most Graphic Condom Ad Ever Features Fake Bukkake, For Some Reason

There are a myriad of good reasons to use condoms — preventing the spread STD's, staving off pregnancy... erm, the smell of rubber and lube gets you hot. But using condoms primarily as a way to prevent explosive ejaculations of sex-juice from landing on a partner's face during climax? According to this totally gross… » 9/12/12 5:30pm 9/12/12 5:30pm

Get Your Jizz While the Getting's Good: Sperm Quality and Quantity Is…

In some parts of the world, there has been a considerable decline in sperm quality and quantity in recent years, according to reports from sperm banks as well as evidence from scientific research. The cause is not yet known, but some are pointing pollutants and a "modern Western lifestyle," which includes cellphones in… » 8/29/12 12:00pm 8/29/12 12:00pm

Science Confirms That With Sex, Size Actually Does Matter

It turns out that it doesn't matter how fast sperm can swim when it comes to fertilizing an egg—it's all about its length. By studying the ejaculate traits of fruit flies (which must be the teeniest load on the face of this earth), scientists found that sperm that are longer and slower are more likely to fertilize an… » 8/03/12 11:20am 8/03/12 11:20am

Got Morning Sickness? Give Two Blow Jobs and Call Me in the Morning

No amount of heavy duty feminism can alleviate the fact that when it comes to child creation, all a guy really must do is not ride a bike too much, ejaculate successfully into a fertile vagina, and then maybe hand out cigars. Meanwhile, the woman spends nine months growing a tiny, helpless proto-human inside her… » 7/10/12 6:30pm 7/10/12 6:30pm

American Men Are Almost Too Awesome At Making Jizz

While our manufacturing sector's kind of in the toilet, mining is giving people cancer and causing earthquakes, and our tech industry is running out of ideas for one-button devices to sell to yuppies, at least one sector of the American economy is running full steam — or rather, full balls — ahead: the sperm harvesting … » 4/05/12 7:15pm 4/05/12 7:15pm

A New Recipe for High Quality Semen

Women have been clued into the fact that their diets affect their fertility for a long while now, but a new study has found that what men are eating might matter just as much. The researchers found that the kinds of fat men ate made a difference in the quality of their sperm. For instance, saturated fat found in the… » 3/14/12 10:40am 3/14/12 10:40am

In New Porn-y Ad, Chocolate Stands In For Semen

Chocolate and intimacy go hand in hand. It's often (incorrectly) thought to be an aphrodisiac; it's associated with Valentine's day; surveys claim that women would prefer chocolate to sex — as though they were interchangeable. In this Australian ad for Zokoko, choclocated is licked, smeared, drizzled and penetrated.… » 4/28/11 3:48pm 4/28/11 3:48pm

Today's News Is Brought To You By Andy Samberg's Soiled Pants

It used to be that this venerable feature was inspired by the news, hangovers, and/or funny pictures. But The Huffington Post's Jason Linkins and I have a new muse — or, to be fair, a couple of million of new muses harmed in the filming of SNL's digital short "Jizz In My Pants" (embedded after the jump). There's just no… » 12/08/08 10:00am 12/08/08 10:00am

CNN's Howard Kurtz: Just Call Them 'Jizzable'

It might seem like we're about to beat a dead horse, but we're not, promise! See, Jezebel got a shout out on CNN's Reliable Sources yesterday morning regarding the whole Redbook cover thing. And that's great and all, but more notably, host Howard Kurtz inadvertently gave the site a new nickname when he referred to us… » 7/30/07 6:40pm 7/30/07 6:40pm