As stupid as she may have sounded in her disastrous pageant interview, Upton comes across pretty funny and silly in these clips. She may not know much about maps or Iraq, but thanks to late night television, she now has a pretty good grasp of what her uterus looks like. Also, we've got to give her props for her brave attempt to draw an anatomically correct diagram of the reproductive system on live television.

Former Miss Teen South Carolina Learns Where Babies Come From [BuzzFeed]

Though women now comprise a majority of their viewership, late night remains stacked with men. Here's a breakdown based on Carter's piece:

"The Jay Leno Show": Zero.
"Late Show with David Letterman": Zero.
"The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien": Zero.
"The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson": One, apparently (his sister).
"Jimmy Kimmel Live!": One.
"The Colbert Report": One.
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart": Two female writers just added.
"Late Night with Jimmy Fallon:" Three out of "about a dozen."

So congratulations, Jimmy Fallon, on being the tallest dwarf! Of course, there is one break from this monotony, and it might not be a coincidence that the host is female!

"Chelsea Lately with Chelsea Handler": Five out of ten.

Which brings us to another point made in the piece: even if writers' rooms were full of women, nine times out of ten they'd still be writing for a male voice:

"When you're writing for late night, you're writing through one person's prism, and that person at the shows you're looking at is always a dude," said Hallie Haglund, one of the new writers on "The Daily Show. " Allison Silverman, who has served as the only woman writer first on "The Daily Show" then on Conan O'Brien's staff, said she had no trouble assuming the voices of male hosts. But she added, "I don't think the issue of sensibility is off base. The hosts and the staffs I worked on often resembled one another. Have you seen how many tall Irish people are on Conan's staff?"

Not surprisingly, the few women that did make it onto writing staffs have coped with being odd woman out with, well, humor:

"I would walk into Lizz [Winstead]'s office, where the writers were assembled to hear the day's jokes, and would want to exercise my executive producer privileges by sending half of them home to shower," Ms. Smithberg said in an e-mail message. "I wonder if the corollary we should be examining is between body odor and humor rather than gender and humor."

There's only one way to find out: hire more women writers. (And um, smell them.)

Among Late Night Shows, Few Women in the Room [New York Times]

Related: Letterman and Me [VF]

Image via The New Yorker

• For the love of God. Khloe Kardashian says: "I want to be a skinny pregnant person." Actually, what she says when she's asked about having kids is:

"Honestly, I just lost weight! I want to be a skinny pregnant person, like how my sister Kourtney looks so cute pregnant. I can't be a house [after] I just lost weight." She does sort of redeem herself by saying: "I am always fat no matter how much weight I lose… [My sisters and I] are all curvy and we are all accepting of our body types. I think if I was in Hollywood by myself, I would be so much more susceptible to falling into having an eating disorder." [E!]

• Maybe Khloe shouldn't hear this, but Kristen Stewart says: "You should see my brother; he's, like, emaciated. We both just happen to be really skinny." [Us Magazine via Allure]
• Kim Kardashian will get $50,000 for celebrating her birthday at Tao in Las Vegas. A source says, "Kim is worth the huge fee because she's so hot." [Page Six]
• Headline Of The Day: "Michael Jackson's Giraffes in $100,000 War" [TMZ]
• Sources say the Jackson family has been invited to attend the premiere of This Is It; but Katherine Jackson and other family members insist they have been snubbed. [TMZ]
• Did Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have a secret wedding? Radar Online found out that Joel got a marriage license earlier this week. [The Star via Radar]
• Lindsay Lohan's on probation for DUI and has a court date this morning because she "failed to meet an unspecified probationary condition." [NY Post]
• Madonna on quitting Tracy Anderson workouts: "I learned a lot of great things working out with Tracy Anderson, I did not ditch or fire her. I simply wanted to try a new method of working out when my tour ended. We remain friends." [Page Six]
• Madonna and Carlos Leon threw a party for Lourdes' 13th birthday on Wednesday at trendy NYC restaurant Delicatessen. Lola had red velvet cake. [Gatecrasher]
• Eminem has declined to collaborate with fellow Michigan-er Madonna. She says: "I wanted to work with Eminem. I don't think he wanted to work with me. Maybe he's shy." That must be it! [Avril Lavigne's new man is Dole Food Company billionaire Justin Murdock. Not a sk8r boi. [Daily Telegraph]
• Diddy was throwing money off the stage at a show when his $20,000 diamond studded ring flew off. So naturally everyone was frisked before they left the event, which they didn't like. Guess what? The ring was not found. "He ain't getting' it back," one witness said. "Someone pocketed that, and they probably took it to the nearest jeweler." My guess? Someone swallowed it and is hoping for the best. [NY Post]
• "David Beckham's son Brooklyn is carving out a sporting name for himself... as an American footballer." Coaches at his school have called him a "wonderkid" and a "natural thrower and hard tackler." [The Sun]
• Courtney Love: Reformed Hole and is in the studio recording new tracks. This paper declares: "Should be interesting because she can definitely rock out." [The Sun]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy are still on and he "has no plans of ruining a good thing." [People]
• Jon Gosselin has reportedly approached awards shows with requests to appear as a presenter — and has been turned down by at least two productions. [MSNBC Scoop ]
• The guy who punched Leona Lewis in the face is an aspiring singer who didn't make it as a contestant on X Factor. Of course. [The Sun]
• There will be no lesbian talk in Anna Nicole Smith's hearing. Adjust accordingly. [Mirror]
• Except you can read about how "Anna Nicole Smith's female doctor funneled drugs to the Playmate to fuel their lesbian love affair" at this link. [NY Post]
• Howard K. Stern was urged to send Anna Nicole Smith to rehab, but told Anna's bodyguard rehab "would kill her." [LA Times]
• Does Donald Trump really not know who Tilda Swinton is? [Page Six]
• So you know how January Jones' rack looks huge on the cover of GQ? "They definitely did some significant retouching," claims a source. But GQ photo editor says: "Yes, they're real. And they're spectacular… People think that a person will look the same in every photograph, but that just doesn't happen… Terry [Richardson] likes to work with harder lighting, and that can create a stronger shadow — that, and body position and perspective could give the illusion that her breasts are bigger. January Jones needed no help. Trust me." [Page Six]
• Jimmy Kimmel and new girlfriend Molly McNearney — who works on his show — had a sleepover. And this is news. News accompanied by a picture of Jimmy "pasty and shirtless" on his balcony, watching Molly leave the morning after. [Radar Online]
• Wood alert: Jesse Metcalfe says that doing sex scenes with Eva Longoria for Desperate Housewives made him "pop a wheelie." [TMZ]
• Whitney Houston is mad at Wendy Williams. [Gatecrasher]
• Kylie Minogue: Spotted making out with her Spanish hunk at a party even though her parents were there. [Page Six]
• Depeche Mode's Dave Gahan denies he said "Thank you very much, Chile" when he was in Peru. [AP]
• Nigella Lawson's back went out, so she put on a corset and ate a chocolate bar. I'll have to try that next time. [Daily Express]
• BREAKING: Karina Smirnoff loves being single. [People]
• Fred Durst got married in July. Then separated a month later. And now he's filed for divorce. [People, TMZ]
• A column called "A Night Of Round Table With Monty Python" is predictably full of weird jokes. [NY Times]
• The new cast of Celebrity Apprentice includes Darryl Strawberry, Rod Blagojevich, Sinbad, Sharon Osbourne, Bret Michaels, Cyndi Lauper, Holly Robinson Peete, Carol Leifer, (who wrote for Seinfeld and whom the character of Elaine was based on), wrestlers Goldberg and Maria Kanellis, chef Curtis Stone and Olympic gold-medal swimmer Summer Sanders. [NY Post]
• "At the age of eight I discovered that I could write songs. My dad used to take them to the notary and register them so that nobody could steal them from me. Who does that? What parent takes a treasure in his child's scribbles?" — Shakira. [Guardian]
• "Before my third album, they warned me that if nothing really happened, they were going to drop me. I knew it was my last chance, so I took control. I started to get more involved with production. I started to use my own influences. My music was influenced more by the Anglo-Saxons than the local tropical or Latin roots. When I was singing in Spanish, I had a more rock'n'roll attitude. I was very inflexible, very rigid in many aspects. There were things that would be completely unacceptable to me, like wearing a leotard, or showing my legs. I was more of a purist then." — Shakira. [Guardian]
• "I envisioned that as my life: staying in academia to make a living and then taking summers off to write my novels. I understand the self-loathing and the resentment, and the discipline that it takes to sit down in front of a typewriter or computer every single day, whether it's going well or not going well … I didn't need to research how to be a professor [for Californication's third season] because I'd already been a teaching assistant when I was pursuing my Ph.D.; it was a very clear memory." — Former Yale doctoral student David Duchovny. [The Daily Beast]
• "In Uganda, fat is beautiful. [Jessica is] always scrutinized by the world. Beauty starts from within." — Joe Simpson, Jessica's dad. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "I think that for the first few seasons, it was very clear that Amanda didn't want to be bothered with any type of work. She's at a fashion magazine because she loves fashion — mostly just wearing it. There is a certain reality show with a certain stylist [Newton declines to identify it, but duh, it's Bravo's The Rachel Zoe Project], and I thought, 'Oh my God, that's a glimpse of Amanda's future.' We're going to see that Amanda's love of fashion can help her get ahead in her career. Amanda has a real skill that can actually benefit Mode magazine, apart from looking cute - not that she won't still look cute." — Becki Newton, Ugly Betty's Amanda. [TV Guide]
• "I go outside, and I'm wearing a funky T-shirt and my hair is dirty, and people say, 'What's wrong with her? She needs to invest in a hairbrush. I'm like, don't you get it? I'm not that girl! Like, I never was that girl. It's not like I was really clean-cut last year. The commenters are usually worse than the bloggers. I know what people say about me." — Kristen Stewart. [Us Magazine via Allure]
• "I grew up going to Disneyland twice a week. But I was banned for a year because I went to Disney prison. I was really young so I wasn't responsible for this - it was all my brother's fault. You get a stamp when you leave the park which if you put hairspray on it you can transfer it to someone else's hand, so in the parking lot he went up to somebody and said, 'Hey can we spray hairspray on your hand?0' and we transferred it. And then we go in through the turnstile and there's people there called Fox Fighters or some weird name, They take us aside and I'm like six-years-old and my brother says 'No matter what they say do not confess.' He was like a professional felon at twelve!" — Blake Lively.[Showbiz Spy]
• "It started with the fact that it was my very first week on The View and Barbara and Whoopi asked me if I thought the earth was round or flat. The response that came out was, 'I don't know. I'm trying to take care of my son.' I was really nervous. I was totally outside of my comfort zone and I made a comment that I didn't mean to make. It was a brain fart. I did not know that people were going to hate me as much as they did. I mean like, hate me. My website crashed. But then the women of The View came together and said, 'If we didn't think you could be here, you wouldn't be at this table. We love you. We support you. Don't even worry about it.' I got a ton of e-mails from women saying, I don't care if the earth is round or flat either, Sherri. I'm just trying to pay my bills. That's when I realized that we've gotta give ourselves a break or permission to say dumb things and keep moving. I know what a lot of other women are going through, you try to be perfect for everybody. We've gotta give ourselves a break." — Sherri Shepherd on her new self-help memoir, Permission Slips: Every Woman's Guide to Giving Herself a Break. [Time]
• "I'm old. It's an interesting thing to watch yourself grow older on screen. I was watching Up In The Air and I thought, 'Jesus, who's the old gray-haired guy?' And it was me. I never wear makeup for movies and now it's starting to show. But I'm kind of comfortable with getting older because it's better than the other option, which is being dead. So I'll take getting older." — George Clooney. [Telegraph]
• "I want to hate Megan Fox more than anything. We all do. But I read a bunch of her quotes, and she's witty and smart and carefree. I thought, 'This is the kind of girl I'd love to be friends with' "—Kristen Bell in Women's Health. [Page Six]
• "It was a challenging year. I may have thrown myself off a building. I think work saved me. I'm very grateful I had work." — Madonna. [The Sun]

• A judge ordered Lindsay Lohan to appear in court tomorrow for a progress report because officials from her alcohol education course reported concerns about her sobriety. If she violated the terms of her probation, she could be jailed.

• Lindsay was ordered to attend the course after pleading no contest to a DUI in 2007. Usually in a misdemeanor case the defendant would not have to appear in court. [TMZ, TMZ]
• Kate Gosselin says she might sue Jon Gosselin after hearing Stephanie Santoro's allegations that Jon bragged about hacking into her emails, phone, and online accounts. She said in a statement that she's "profoundly disturbed" and "Under the circumstances, Ms. Gosselin is carefully considering all of her legal options regarding this matter, and she will pursue them if and when the time is right." [Radar Online]
• Roman Polanski's wife Emmanuelle Seigner attacked a female paparazzo who approached her outside her Paris apartment, punching and screaming at her in the middle of the street. [Radar Online]
• Jimmy Kimmel's admission that he's dating staffer Molly McNearney is developing into his own sex scandal. Apparently he fired her ex-boyfriend, who was also on staff, before they started seeing each other. Molly and her ex used to double date with Jimmy and Sarah Silverman. [Radar Online]
• According to the search warrant in the David Letterman extortion case, Robert Halderman met with Letterman's lawyer to present the incriminating documents and photos and demand $2 million from Letterman. The meeting was held and recorded and Haldeman was given a $2 million check. [TMZ]
• The legal documents say Robert Halderman told the lawyer that David Letterman's "world is about to collapse around him," and that he had, "a lot more" documents to back up his claims. [AP]
• At the link are pictures of Holly Hester, a woman who claims she had a relationship with David Letterman when she was an intern 20 years ago, goofing around in Dave's office. [TMZ]
• Lawyers representing Michael Jackson's estate went to court today to ask a judge to give them more power to make day-to-day decisions without going to court. The judge put off the hearing until later this month. [TMZ]
• Liza Minnelli says she and Barbara Streisand will attend Stanford and Anthony's wedding in Sex and the City 2: Electric Boogaloo and she will perform Beyonce's "Single Ladies." Liza says: "The choreography for the number is something I should have done when I was 22." [Contact Music]
• A spokesman for director Hype Williams has confirmed that Beyonce and Lady Gaga will appear in the music video for Beyonce's "Video Phone." [MTV]
• A source claims that Jennifer Aniston hooked up with John Mayer at a New York hotel in september. "He really got to her, and she's hooked on him," says the source. "She just can't let go." [Us]
• Arnold Schwarzenegger's solution to Maria Shriver being caught talking on her cell phone while driving was to hire her a driver. [TMZ]
• Leona Lewis, who was punched in the head by a man at her book signing yesterday, wrote on her website: "Thank you so much for your support it is truly overwhelming. Yesterday was a horrible shock and left me extremely hurt and upset. I'm very sorry to those I wasn't able to meet at the signing. Thank you again for all of the lovely messages." [People]
• Police have charged 29-year-old Peter Kowalczyk with assault for allegedly hitting Leona Lewis and "sectioned" him under the mental health act — which means he's being held so doctors can evaluate him. [TMZ]
• Leona Lewis was supposed to go to Germany today for a one day promotional trip but she cancelled so she could recover from the incident. [The Telegraph]
• A second Billy Mays autopsy report says contrary to earlier reports, "there is no evidence that Mr. Mays' death was related to acute cocaine intoxication .... rather, the use of cocaine by Mr. Mays appears to have occurred at a remote time several days before his death." [TMZ]
• The second autopsy was commissioned by Billy Mays' family. His widow Deborah Mays issued a statement saying: "In addition, there is nothing in his medical, social or professional history to suggest chronic cocaine use. Therefore, I do not believe cocaine played a significant contributing factor in the death of Mr. Mays as the autopsy specimens and findings are not consistent with the cardiac conditions normally observed in a person chronically using cocaine." [TMZ]
• David Archuleta's parents have filed for divorce less than a month after his father, James Jeffrey, was arrested during a sting on a massage parlor for soliciting a prostitute. [Radar Online]
• Paris Hilton says of the pet piglet she's purchased, "I'm getting her in a couple weeks. She's still a baby, so she's with her mom, getting ready for me. She'll be a perfect addition to the family!" [Us]
• Kim Kardashian did a Barbie-inspired shoot for the cover of Kurv magazine. She says, "I absolutely love this photoshoot I did for KURV Magazine! I worked with the most amazing photographer, Tony Duran! This could be my favorite shoot to date!" [People]
• Khloe Kardashian wrote on her blog, "According to Star, our marriage is on the rocks because I threw a fit when Lamar refused to give me a massage!!! I seriously died when I read that! LOL. Star is known for doing evil, fake and RIDICULOUS stories about my family. Remember the cover story, "Kardashians At War"? Honey please. They are becoming the Enquirer. Next thing you know they'll be saying that Kourtney is giving birth to a cat! LOL. All of their stories are absurd but at least we get a good laugh from their lies." [Khloe Kardashian Blog]
• A-Ha will split up following a farewell tour next year. The band says the split will allow them to pursue "other meaningful aspects of life." [The Mirror]
• Someone created a Rihanna tag on twitter and wrote: "The Wait Is Ova. Nov. 23 09." It's unclear if that's the date her new album is coming out. [CNN]
• Russell Crowe and Elizabeth Banks were shooting a scene inside a van when a fire truck pulled out of a nearby station and hit the front of the van. No one was injured. [TMZ]
• David Cook's "cougar," who is 9 years older than him, says he broke up with her because fans weren't happy about their relationship. Kim Johnston claims that Cook sent her a text reading: "Dude, I'm losing fans over this!" [Star]
• George Clooney says false news stories leave celebrities with "no recourse... It'll be false, and you'll go, 'It's not true.' And they go, 'We're not saying that, we're saying that a London tabloid has said it.' They're just reprinting and reprinting things that aren't necessarily true." [AP]
• Daniel Radcliffe has bought at $5.65 million brownstone in Manhattan that used to belong to a sea captain. [Observer]
• A 38-year-old man suffered a fatal heart attack at a Kelly Clarkson concert at Boston University. [Boston]
• According to an autopsy Sickle Cell Anemia may have played a role in the death of Ashley "A.J." Jewell of RHOA. He died in a bar fight but due to his condition he may not have been able to replenish the oxygen he lost during the incident. [TMZ]
• Emilie de Ravin separated from her husband Josh Janowicz when she was filming Remember Me with Robert Pattinson. She and her husband have reunited but a friend says, "She was miffed that Rob went back to Kristen Stewart after the film wrapped... She liked him a lot." [Star]
• Madonna says the past year, in which she got divorced and went on tour, was "challenging... I may have thrown myself off a building. I think work saved me and I'm very grateful that I had work to do." [Daily Mail]
• "People have told me, 'you could just go out there and play guitar and sing your songs like Paul McCartney', but I'd be too bored. Most of the joy of the shows is the magic of creating them: theatre. I'm a perfectionist. I like hard work. I like to sweat." — Madonna [The Telegraph]
• Some of Emily Mortimer's least favorite things are integrity, men in shorts, the sound of her husband clipping his toenails, and "how awful my boobs are when I'm pregnant." [Black Book]
• Carey Mulligan says, "A lot of people go to university for the sake of it and I knew I would probably waste my time and other people's time so I tried to get into acting." [The Telegraph]
• After hearing that January Jones was photographed in lingerie for GQ Bryan Batt said, "I'm in House Beautiful, thank you very much. In my bed, fully clothed. Please, people want to see January in her underwear. They don't want to see me in lingerie. Come on, who's not dying to see that? All the ladies on our show are uniquely beautiful in their own way." [N.Y. Magazine]
• According to a Playboy press release, Marge Simpson said when her family learned that she posed for the magazine's November issue, "Homer said he was intrigued because he had never heard of [Playboy]. The notion of women posing in the buff was completely foreign to him. Wasn't it sweet of him to lie? When Lisa heard about this, she said it was empowering to see a woman in control of her own body. Wasn't it sweet of her to lie? Bart will never learn about this under any circumstance."

• Avril Lavigne has officially filed for divorce from Sum 41's Deryck Whibley.

They were married 3 years and 1 month, and Avril cites "irreconcilable differences." She also doesn't want to have to pay him any money. If he does want spousal support, she'll be forced to ask, "Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?" [TMZ]

• Interesting: The guy arrested for allegedly burglarizing Lindsay Lohan's house, Nick Prugo, is friends with Teen Dream Drake Bell. [TMZ]
• Jon Gosselin would like for you to know that he will "continue on television" and that he's "not worried about future employment." Great. [NY Daily News]
• Alex Rodriguez flew from New York to Miami for one night to "wine and dine" Kate Hudson, who was in South Beach. Romantic! Oh but A-Rod's ex-wife, Cynthia, and their two daughters live in Miami, and Alex also wanted to see his kids. Romantic? [Page Six]
• "Leona Lewis hit in the face by maniac who then screamed ‘I love you.'" Don't get it. [Mirror]
• Apparently the guy was at the bookstore event where Leona Lewis was signing autographs for 90 minutes. A witness says the man walked up with the book, she signed it, and as she looked up he punched her. People could hear the impact. Then security jumped on the man — who was laughing — and Leona was hustled out with her hand over her eye. Leona says she is "ok." [BBC News]
• Taylor Swift will host Saturday Night Live next month. Will there be a Kanye West sketch? Taylor says: "I've been thinking about skit ideas for a long time. There are definitely some hilarious things that have happened to me over the past couple of months that I think will be pretty substantial skits." The problem is that SNL needs more black people. Keenan would not make a good Kanye. Or Beyoncé, frankly. [AP]
• Love love love this 10 Questions With Tracy Morgan column. When asked, "What are the cast members for 30 Rock like to work with? Tracy answers: "I don't know what they do when they're at home. Tina - she's a mother and a wife. We don't hang out. But at 30 Rock, everybody pretty much gets along. Jack McBrayer, we're very close, and it was an honor to be nominated [for an Emmy] in the same category with him. If he would've won, that means we would've won. If I would've won, that means I would've won. I'm not sharing my award with nobody." Also, his healthcare advice is interesting. [Time]
• Kanye West is "thankful" that a law was named after his mother. The measure will protect people from "unnecessary bodily trauma" that could result from elective cosmetic surgery procedures, if they are not physically fit to undergo surgery. [Radar Online]
• As you may recall, Fox NFL Sunday showed a skit mocking Jessica Simpson's weight. Now Fox says: "Burger King Corp. did not have any editorial input in the creation of the animation that ran last Sunday, and no one from Burger King Corp. approved it before it aired. Upon reflection, our poor attempt at humor was insensitive and we deeply apologize to anyone who might have been offended." [Us Magazine]
• The shitty sound of this dumb video of John Mayer partying in a gay bar nearly blew out my speakers, so beware. [ Radar Online]
• "Howard K. Stern helped Anna Nicole Smith crush, cook, inject Valium, ex-bodyguard testifies." [NY Daily News]
• Maria Shriver has issued an apology for illegally using her cell phone while driving and will donate her favorite old cell phone to the HopeLine program that helps domestic violence shelters. [TMZ]
• Will the editors really choose to put Tara Reid on the December cover of Playboy instead of Kelly Bensimon? [Fox News Pop Tarts]
• Michael Jackson's This Is It is selling out all over the world. [NY Daily News]
• Ew, Mariah Carey calls Nick Cannon "DJ Sex Fingers." As the kids say: Vom. [Page Six]
• "Spike Jonze had ex-girlfriend Karen O of Yeah Yeah Yeahs record Where the Wild Things Are music." She says: "It's the best way to continue the relationship in a professional way." [Gatecrasher]
• Is Kids Incorporated to blame for Fergie's meth habit? She says: "What happens when you're a child professional is that you have to be, well, professional. You're taught not to have tantrums, to always people-please. That's part of how I got into (drugs) later." Hmm. [NY Post]
• So you know how Jimmy Kimmel's girlfriend Molly McNearney works for his show? "Staff members are said to troubled by the romance and the unfair promotions it's earned McNearney." [MSNBC via Radar and Gawker]
• In the David Letterman case, the prosecutor wants to keep search warrants sealed and for a hearing to take place behind closed doors. [E!, AP]
• It's CBS vs. CBS in the David Letterman investigation. [NY Post]
• "Stephen Gately smoked cannabis on the night of his death." [Telegraph]
• Jodie Foster, Mel Gibson and Mel Gibson's beaver were hanging out in a high school in White Plains. [Page Six]
• Jeremy London (Mallrats, Party Of Five) may default on his mortgage unless he pays $12,856.81. [TMZ]
• Andrew Keegan was accused of abusing a former girlfriend, but a judge rejected the woman's request for a restraining order after hearing evidence. [TMZ]
• The Beckhams were named "best modern family" in a random online poll. [Mirror]
• "And I think for Letterman to get up there and say ‘I'm the innocent victim and I had some consensual sex'-and he actually said some interesting things: He used the word ‘creepy'-well, the last time I tried it, consensual sex wasn't creepy." — defense attorney Gerald Shargel, who has represented John Gotti. [The Daily Beast]
• "If I see Brody Jenner, he is dead… [He] has the smallest penis I have ever seen." — Always classy Joe Francis, who apparently has experience with seeing Brody naked? [Page Six]
• "I'm afraid it's because they are good. When [co-star and ex-wife] Connie and I wrote them we took about six weeks to write each episode, which is unheard of. People who care a lot spend 10 days, most people do it in a week. But the fact is, we used to write 135 to 140 pages (per episode) ... There was so much in the shows that people could watch them a lot of times because they would forget the things that are in them ... And secondly, in the character Basil we nailed a certain kind of English lower-middle-class type who people are aware of and who, I think, does exist in quite a lot of people." — John Cleese, on Fawlty Towers. [Reuters]
• "Just as what you are feeling in your life affects your acting, what you act in definitely affects what you are feeling in your life. And whether you want it to or not, and even if you don't know it, it bleeds into your life. I made 'Heat' when I was 14 and played a girl who died. A year later, I got into a fight with my mother and cut myself. I had never done it before and I never did it after that, but I think having my wrists bloody in a movie definitely affected my psyche." — Natalie Portman, whose film New York, I Love You starts Friday. [LA Times]
• "People have told me, 'You could just go out there and play guitar and sing your songs like Paul McCartney,' but I'd be too bored. Most of the joy of the shows is the magic of creating them — theater. I'm a perfectionist. I like hard work. I like to sweat." — Madonna. [Page Six]
• "Listen, I would love to tell you that I was this wonderfully smart and full-of-integrity kinda guy. But at the same time, man, I wanted to get laid. That was a big part of it! This is why I wanted to be different and why I wanted to have power and fame and money: because I wanted to be attractive to the opposite sex. I'd be lying to you if I didn't say that was a big part of it." — Michael Bublé. [Telegraph]

"We think [Kater's] done a great job, particularly for someone whose career has progressed so quickly," an "insider" tells Finke, "Now, however, Matt has reluctantly decided that their relationship has reached its full potential. She'll be missed, but the series has consistently benefited from the influx of new writer talent, and there's absolutely no doubt that Kater will continue to have unprecedented success in her career as she spreads her wings. She leaves Mad Men with our love and respect and a well-deserved Emmy."

Gordon apparently rose through the ranks in a fairly Peggy Olson-esque way, moving from a position as Weiner's personal assistant to full-time staff writer, and one would think her Emmy win would secure her position at the show. Of course, we don't know why Gordon was dismissed, and the explanation given is vague at best, but commenters at Finke's site are already making Letterman comparisons, based on nothing but the fact that Gordon worked her way up from a personal assistant position to a full-time writing position. Surely, her promotions couldn't be the result of her, you know, talent, right? I mean, that would just be crazy, no?

The same thing is currently happening to Molly McNearney, a co-head writer at Jimmy Kimmel's show. Kimmel's relationship with McNearney was recently announced, and the "uh-oh, Letterman!" comparisons began, based solely on the fact that McNearney worked her way up the ranks.

"Oh, NO!" writes Elizabeth Snead of the Los Angeles Times, "Has Jimmy Kimmel pulled a David Letterman? Has he also done "terrible, terrible things"? No. Not really. But there are some eerie similarities." The similiarities being, of course, that Kimmel is in a consensual relationship with someone who works for him. Snead then goes on to list a time line of McNearney's promotions, and notes that her final promotion, in May 2008, came right before Kimmel and Silverman broke up in July of that same year, which proves...well, nothing, really.

As for Gordon's firing, the details are still sketchy, though the "insider" who spoke to Finke claims that Weiner often pushes new writers, new actors, and new directors, meaning he just might have pushed Gordon out to give someone else a chance. Until any concrete details come out detailing otherwise, that might just be the best explanation we're going to get, and maybe, despite the "Oh, Letterman!" shadow that now seems to loom over every decision made involving female staffers in television, the only one there actually is.

Update: A fellow writer has written in to Finke's site to shoot down any rumors that might be brewing over Gordon's departure from Mad Men. "As a female writer who has worked with many strong showrunners, I have to say that any 'Letterman' talk on today's thread about Kater Gordon really disgusts me," the anonymous writer says, "The same kind of talk followed me and my success. So you see, you can't win. If you're young and female, you'll always be suspect. Success or failure, it can't be because you've actually got the goods. I feel compelled to come to both Kater and Matt's defense on this one. Kater was a fantastic writer's assistant, the best. She totally got the show and deserved the break she got. There was NOTHING illicit in her relationship with Matt. I believe Kater will go on to great success, if she so desires, and their parting of the ways was amicable."

Did David Letterman's Ratings Inspire Jimmy Kimmel To Date A Staffer? [LA Times]
Mad Men Fires Writer Kater Gordon [EW]
Huh? Recent Emmy Winning Young Female Writer Loses Job On 'Mad Men' [DeadlineHollywood]

• Madonnahas dropped celebrity trainer Tracy Anderson: "Madonna had grown tired of the baggage that Tracy always seemed to be carrying with her," says a source, "Tracy had grown to be more of a distraction than anything else." [PageSix]

• Stephen Gately of the Irish boyband Boyzone was found dead last night in Majorca, where he was vacationing. The cause of death has not been released at this time; Gately was only 33 years old. [ONTD]
• A friend claims that "It looks like [Gately] went out for a few drinks, then got back, fell asleep and never woke up." [ONTD]
• "Stephen was the kindest, gentlest soul. We send our love and condolences to his partner, Andy, and to all his friends everywhere."-Elton John [Guardian]
• Oh dear: David Letterman reportedly brought Stephanie Birkett, the staffer he was sleeping with, on Caribbean vacations with his wife and son. According to the New York Post, Letterman's wife, Regina Lasko "believed that Birkitt was only an innocent "friend" and "co-worker" at the time." [NYPost]
• A former flight attendant on Oprah Winfrey's private jet claims she was fired after two fellow flight attendants accused her of "inappropriate intimate behavior" while in flight. The woman says the flight attendants are lying, and is suing for $75,000. [TMZ]
• Jimmy Kimmel is currently dating the co-head writer of his show, Molly McNearney. "After Jimmy and Sarah broke up, Molly and Jimmy both found themselves single, and they clicked," says a source, "They're really happy together." [People]
• Britney Spears will attempt to regain full custody of her two sons before Christmas. A source says Kevin Federline is unlikely to oppose the bid "as long as he is granted full visitation rights." [DailyExpress]
• A source claims that Michael Bay is considering killing off Megan Fox in the next Transformers film. "Michael's pretty much discovered Megan and now he's very quietly looking for her replacement. He hasn't decided if he's going to kill her off in the next movie, but he just wants to be prepared." [PopCrunch]
• "I don't think you can plan or control love. I think you have to just be willing to take what comes and however it comes, you know? I have a really great relationship with myself and that's a lifelong process. I have a great job, a great family and great friends. I have my health and I love what I do."-Jennifer Aniston [ShowbizSpy]
• Meanwhile, Angelina Jolie is fed up with Brad Pitt's scrubby appearance and has hired Tom Ford to give Pitt a makeover. "His beard is so unkempt now that she can't even stand kissing him, and she started calling him ‘Billy Goat Gruff' to shame him into getting rid of it," says a source, "Angie called Tom personally and handpicked thousands of dollars worth of casual and dress-up clothes for Brad. She's desperate to get the old, stylish Brad back." [ShowbizSpy]
• Kanye West was a no-show at last night's BET Awards, even though he was nominated for nine awards. [E!]
• Moby is set to donate the proceeds from several of his concerts to the California Partnership to End Domestic Violence, as the cause is close to his heart: "I had to stop [my mother] from being stabbed to death by a boyfriend of hers. I hate to say this, but almost half of the women I know who are friends of mine have been in abusive relationships of some sort or another." [Reuters]
• "I just don't take any of it seriously. It's just a job and while it's a job I love, girls scream out for Edward, not Robert. I still can't get a date."- Robert Pattinson [ONTD]
• Vince Vaughn's Couples Retreat won the Friday box office, taking in 12.3 million dollars. [EW]
• Roman Polanski's lawyer, Herve Temime says Polanski is "depressed" in jail. "Roman Polanski, who is 76, seemed very dejected when I visited him," Temime says, "Polanski was in an unsettled state of mind." [Reuters]
• Katie Holmes has reportedly won a "victory" over Tom Cruise by enrolling the couple's daughter, Suri in a Catholic preschool, as opposed to a Scientology-based program. "‘She is not convinced by Scientology and has told Tom that she wants Suri to be educated as a Catholic – as she was," says a source, "They had been having huge problems agreeing on her school. To say they were having arguments is putting it mildly – but Tom came around to the idea in the end." [DailyMail]
• Hilary Swank would like you to know that she sleeps in the nude: "I don't sleep in anything. Well, my boyfriend's son is 6 years old, and you wonder at what age you should stop walking around nude. Every morning he comes into the bedroom, and you're just nude. But he doesn't look twice; he doesn't think about it yet. I just toss and turn too much when I sleep, and if I'm in clothes, I get all twisted up." [ShowbizSpy]
• The sad thing is that I feel so boring because Twilight is literally how every conversation I have these days begins - whether it's someone I'm meeting for the first time or someone I just haven't seen in a while. The first thing I want to say to them is, ‘It's insane! And, as a person, I can't do anything!' But then I think to myself, God damn it, shut the fuck up."-Kristen Stewart [ShowbizSpy]

First Kimmel said he wasn't sure if "cougar" was a compliment or an insult. And Courteney agreed. But… Your show is called Cougar Town! Next, she claimed that used to think that "cougars" were women who'd had a lot of plastic surgery, trying to look young, to go out with younger guys… But now she's changed her mind, because she is a cougar. Wait, why is she a cougar? Does this mean she did or didn't have plastic surgery? Or is she a cougar because she's 45 and David Arquette is 38? Right. Okay.

Next, she had some kind of talking point about women reaching their sexual peak in their early 40s. Kimmel questioned the veracity of that theory, and Courteney backed down. But she did say: "I think the whole cougar thing — I'm glad it's come around." Plus: "I think what happens is as women get older — they want to become more sexual, so they're trying so hard to stay young that… probably they're pretending." Yeah, that's it. Older women are just pretending to be sexual... kind of like Courteney is pretending Cougar Town was a good idea.

Earlier: No One Harmed At Cougar Convention
5 Reasons Why Courteney Cox's Cougar Town Looks Awful

• Oh Christ: Jennifer Aniston "burst into tears in her trailer" while filming in New York.

The "unlucky-in-love actress" was late coming out of her trailer while filming The Bounty a few weeks ago, and allegedly tearfully said to an assistant: "I need a moment. This scene reminds me of Brad and me." A source says: "While she enjoyed flirting with Gerard on set and put a brave face on every day, privately she is still very fragile." Eyeroll! (Note: Her rep says this story is "ridiculous… it never happened.") [Page Six]

• By the by, Jennifer Aniston went to see Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig in A Steady Rain on Broadway on Tuesday. [Gatecrasher]
• Samantha Burke, who had a dalliance with Jude Law, gave birth yesterday in Florida. [Page Six]
• What the what? Renée Zellweger is not going to gain a bunch of weight for the third Bridget Jones flick? A source says she will wear a fat suit, out of concern about the health effects of quickly putting and then losing 30 lbs. [MSNBC]
• Katherine Heigl made the news of her adoption public the same day Ellen Pompeo gave birth to a daughter of her own, and a source says: "It looks like they were trying to one-up one another." There's something very Penelope about this: "Well my kid was born earlier than yours, and is already at Harvard, so…" [Page Six]
• John Travolta took the stand yesterday, admitting that his son Jett was autistic and suffered from a seizure disorder — having seizures every five to 10 days. [MSNBC]
• Travolta also said that the ambulance took 40 minutes to reach his son, and by the time his son got to the emergency room, he was not alive. [NY Post]
• The alleged extortionists in the John Travolta case have been caught on video haggling over money; their lawyers will try to get the videotape thrown out of court on the grounds it was illegally recorded. [TMZ]
• Lily Allen: Quitting the music biz. She blogged: "Just so you know, I have not renegotiated my record contract and have no plans to make another record (applause). I do however remain a fan of new music, so this is not some selfish crusade. The days of me making money from recording music has been and gone as far as I'm concerned, so I don't (at this point) stand to profit from legislation… If you can't sell your music, you can't go on. It's that simple." [Digital Spy]
• Lily Allen will concentrate on acting; she will be in a production of Neil LaBute's play Reasons To Be Pretty in London's West End. [Daily Mail]
• Photos of Kelly Bensimon will be in Playboy. A source says: "Kelly is telling everyone that she might be on the cover." The snaps were taken years ago by Kelly's ex, Gilles Bensimon, but a source says: "They're sexy, but they won't set the world on fire." [Page Six]
• Mackenzie Phillips has revealed shocking details of her relationship with her father, and John Phillips' ex wife, Michelle Phillips (who was in the Mamas & The Papas), says: "Mackenzie has a lot of mental illness. She's had a needle stuck up her arm for 35 years. She was arrested for heroin and coke just recently… The whole thing is timed. Mackenzie is jealous of her siblings, who have accomplished a lot and did not become drug addicts." But Michelle Phillips daughter, Chynna Phillips, who is Mackenzie's half sister, says: "After long nights of heroin use, (Mackenzie is) claiming that she once woke up and that my father was on top of her having sex with her. Was he actually raping her? I don't know. Do I believe that they had an incestuous relationship and that it went on for 10 years? Yes." [MSNBC]
• Christina Aguilera recently traveled to Guatemala with the World Food Programme to see the impact of hunger; . Guatemala has the fourth highest child malnutrition rate in the world. Christina says: "WFP urgently needs donations to keep feeding some 150,000  women and undernourished children – I want to raise awareness and open people's eyes so they can get the funds they need to keep on working… One of the biggest lessons I'm taking away from this trip is the importance of healthy food. If a child under two doesn't get the nutrients they need, we can never fix the damage later on." [WFP]
• Kirsten Dunst will testify today against a man accused of burglarizing her hotel room. [NY Daily News]
• Kanye West is being prosecuted for breaking a paparazzi's camera at LAX last September; last Friday, his lawyer went to the judge and pushed back the hearing until late October. Is he still trying to keep a low profile? [TMZ]
• Hmm: Kanye West has posted a video promoting his "Fame Kills" tour with Lady Gaga. So maybe the tour is on after all. [KanyeUniverseCity]
• "First new Michael Jackson song set for release; posthumous single 'This Is It' to hit airwaves" [Gatecrasher]
• Macy Gray was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars and was too distraught to go on Jimmy Kimmel Live afterward, like most eliminated contestants do. Her partner, Jonathan Roberts says: "She put her whole heart into the show. She feels like she let her fans down." [ET]
• Real NYU students find Gossip Girl's version of NYU laughable. [NY Post]
• Robert Rodriguez and Rose McGowan: Still on. [Page Six]
• Eva Longoria Parker says she wants to go back to school and enroll in a master's program in Chicano studies and political science to learn more about her Mexican roots. She's a Texas native, but her family is originally from the northern Mexican city of Monterrey. [AP]
• In the Anna Nicole Smith case, search warrant affidavits suggest Howard K. Stern put his name on prescriptions for drugs that were given to Smith, and claim that a total of 44 different medications were prescribed for Smith under a number of other names, including Stern's. [NY Post]
• Remember how Suzanne Somers said that Patrick Swayze should have fought his cancer "nutritionally"? Whoopi Goldberg didn't like that, and says: "Patrick did everything and went everywhere to try and stay healthy as long as he could. That he's been gone a week and this statement came out is bad timing and bad taste and Suzanne, you should know better." Now Suzanne says: "In a casual conversation at a private party (with someone who never identified himself as a reporter) at the Toronto Film Festival last week, I was asked about this beloved actor. It was never my intention to make an official statement about his passing. I was not informed or aware I was being interviewed. I would never have been so insensitive as to offer a public statement so close to his untimely passing. I sincerely apologize if my comment has caused any additional pain to his family during this difficult time. I send my deepest condolences for their loss." [Perez]
• Unsolicited uterus update: Jennifer Jason Leigh is pregnant; she and director husband Noah Baumbach (The Squid and the Whale) are expecting a baby in March. [ONTD via National Enquirer]
• Michael Moore stirred up trouble on Good Morning America yesterday, exposing the stripped rights of permalancers. [NY Post]
• Survivor winner Richard Hatch was denied his request to serve the remaining weeks of his sentence for tax evasion in home confinement. He'll have to stay in jail. [USA Today]
• "Phyllida Law, mother of the actress Emma Thompson, has had her stolen gargoyles returned two years after they were stolen after announcing she had put a curse on the thieves." [Telegraph]
• Q: How traumatic is it for you to not be wearing tights and poofy britches?
  A: "It's very easy. I do miss sliding off the back of a horse, but apart from that it's all good. It's actually rather wonderful running around, blazing a Glock on my hip." — Joseph Fiennes on his new show, FlashForward. [Washington Post]
• "I'm a bit scared of being single and scared of getting into another relationship, but I'm married to my work right now." — Natalie Imbruglia, who split from husband Daniel Johns in January 2008. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• "I took a couple years off and, during that time, I felt like I wanted to know what was important to me, what I really loved and what I was interested in. And if I even wanted to make films anymore. I felt I had done what I had to do. I contemplated being a hermit. I went to a distant mountain top that you could only walk to. No electricity. No water. I spent about five days there and thought, 'This is fantastic. Maybe I am a hermit.' " — Jane Campion, on life after her 2003 film In The Cut, which critics panned. [USA Today]
• "Once I got the part, I did some work with a coach. Everybody else in the show is doing a modern Southern accent and I wanted something old-fashioned. There are no contractions. Bill never says can't or won't. It's always, 'I did not want you to do that,' which is funny because you then find yourself doing it in everyday life, saying things like, 'I cannot stand pains aux raisins.'" — Stephen Moyer on his True Blood character. [Telegraph]
• "I am fine — happy and healthy. It's irresponsible when people obsess about my shape and size. I appreciate there are young girls and women who look at me as a role model and it is untrue to say I do not eat and I am unhealthy. 'I have a healthy diet, a healthy lifestyle and plenty of energy to run after my three energetic boys and travel the world managing my fashion business." — Victoria Beckham. [Daily Mail]
• "We did have a few moments of friction when we were tired or after a long day of shooting. [Jennifer Grey] seemed particularly emotional, sometimes bursting into tears if someone criticized her. Other times, she slipped into silly moods, forcing us to do scenes over and over again when she'd start laughing. I was on overdrive for the whole shoot - staying up all night to do rewrites, squeezing in dance rehearsals, shooting various scenes - and was exhausted a lot of the time. I didn't have a whole lot of patience for doing multiple retakes. It was horrifyingly, hypothermically cold in that lake, and we filmed that scene over and over. And despite the fact that Jennifer was very light, when you're lifting someone in water, even the skinniest little girl can feel like 500 pounds." — Memories of making Dirty Dancing, from Patrick Swayze's memoir. [Gatecrasher]

Later on in the show, while plugging her new memoir, Official Book Club Selection, Kathy ran down the list of which celebrities are and are not speaking to her. (It seems safe to say Kate Gosselin is now in the latter category.) While she's still friends with Lance Bass and Anderson Cooper, it seems Clay Aiken doesn't enjoy the nickname "Gaiken" and Celine Dion doesn't like Kathy implying that she had sex with her husband when she was nine. As for Paula Abdul, Kathy says, "She may not be aware of who she's talking to."

As much as this plays into the Megan Fox as ultimate object of masculine desire cliche (which is just boring at this point), it's a relief to see poor Seth Rogen getting to talk about something different at this stop on his (and Sandler, Mann, and Apatow's) seemingly never ending Funny People tour. And, actually, it contains an infinitesemally revealing fact about Megan Fox: she was so nervous before the first show that she stopped by Seth's dressing room to ask him to stay and help her be funnier. If Megan Fox is the current blank screen onto which we project our ideas about ultimate femininity, the fact that she did that adds one little tiny pixel of coolness to that screen. I can't imagine a lot of actresses doing that, or even knowing who Seth Rogen was at that pre-Knocked Up point in time. And, bonus: next time Megan Fox is on Kimmel, she'll have something to talk about besides her tattoos.

In addition to describing the life of a business mogul (hard!), the difficulty of firing people (Daddy!) and her nine fragrances ("pretty hot"), Paris Hilton explains to us the differences between her catchphrase "that's hot," and her new catchphrase, "that's huge," which only falls under her TM if pronounced like a cross between a female sheep and the beginning of "jujube." To wit: "'That's hot' can sometimes be bad, but 'huge' is like really hot." She likes Susan Boyle (huge) and Barack Obama (huge), but of the Octomom she declares, "Huge but not in a good way. She has too many kids."

Also unsurprising: Kimmel was entirely uncritical of Thorton's behavior earlier this month, when the Oscar-winner went off on a well-meaning Canadian DJ for daring to mention Thornton's work as an actor and director. Kimmel told Thornton he completely understands his ire, because "it's rude" to mention a famous actor's acting career... or have a journalist dare say what he's "not supposed to say." Jimmy Kimmel: The Ari Fleischer of the celebrity industrial complex since 2007.

Related: How Dare You Call Billy Bob Thornton An Actor [Gawker]
How The Gawker Stalker Map Works: A Guide For Dummies, Outraged Famous People And Old Folk [Gawker]

• Jamie Foxx apologized on the Tonight Show for his statements about Miley Cyrus (he called her a "little white bitch" and suggested she should "go catch chlamydia from a bicycle seat"), telling Jay Leno:

"I am a comedian, and you guys know that whatever I say, I don't mean any of it. And sometimes, as comedians, as we do, we go a little bit too far. I have a radio show...We're really the black Howard Stern. We go at everybody. There was a situation with Miley Cyrus, and I just want to say, I apologize for what I said. I didn't mean it maliciously. You know I'm a comedian. You know my heart. Miley, I apologize, so I'll call you. I got a daughter too, so I completely understand." [E!]

• Miley's dad Billy Ray Cyrus thought Jamie Foxx's radio show comments were out of line, in case you were wondering. [E!]
• By the way: The 19-year-old hacker who broke into Miley Cyrus' MySpace last year is "very stressed" and in hiding. [E!]
• Another day, another Britney rumor; this time, it's that she's engaged to a 40-year-old real estate developer named John Sundahl. A source says the dude "got down on one knee in a Subway sandwich shop in Santa Monica" and offered Brit "a $4.5 million marquise-cut diamond." [Gatecrasher]
• Uh-oh, Britney's Circus tour might be a victim of the craptastic economy! She was supposed to add dates in Europe and Australia, but the outlook is now rather grim. [People]
• Lindsay Lohan on her Funny Or Die video: "I just think it's better to take something negative and turn it into something good... laughter is the BEST medicine." The video's director, Eric Appel, says: "She came up with the stuff about being a threat to all security guards — she improvised while doing it. She threw in a bunch of fun, funny stuff. People forget Lindsay Lohan's, like, a good actress." Wanna know why? Because we so rarely see her ACTING. [Us Magazine]
• Madonna's former nanny is still spilling deets about her time with her Madgesty! She says: "We weren't allowed to take any photographs of the family. We were given 'nanny cameras' so we could take photos of the children during their activities but when we got home we had to hand them in. The photographs were taken off and stored on Madonna's hard drive." [Daily Express]
• For crying out loud: Spencer Pratt wants a political career. He says: "Don't know if I'll be getting elected any time in the next century or so, but definitely going after mayor of L.A. and at least governor." [Us Mag via Pop Sugar]
• Is there another baby on the way for Heidi Klum? [MSNBC Scoop]
• When actors ask for money during a recession, they risk getting killed off. See: Edie of Desperate Housewives. Will Katherine Heigl's character on Grey's face the same fate? [MSNBC Scoop]
• Boo: The auction of Michael Jackson's stuff was called off yesterday; Jackson and the auction house reached a settlement. [AP]
• Mariah Carey has a Twitter, where she says things like "I gained a few pounds… My trainers back living w/me again..yippie." [E!]
• Oh. God. Mariah is covering Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is." [Page Six]
• The 24-year-old Russian pop singer claiming to be the "mystery girl" to blame for the end of Mel Gibson's marriage is named Oksana Pochepa. She was seen "frolicking" with Mel on the beach earlier this year, and from the looks of these pictures she is not shy about her body. She says her relationship with Mel "is serious and I hope that our union will be real and strong and long-lasting." Good luck! [The Sun]
• Speaking of Mel Gibson, the writer of Passion Of The Christ thinks Mel owes him money. [TMZ]
• Stephen Colbert is heading to Iraq to entertain the troops! [Page Six]
• Zac Efron might star in a film based on classic animated TV show Jonny Quest, even though Jonny was 11 years old. In talks to play Race Bannon, the brawny dude from the show? Dwyane "The Rock" Johnson. [LA Times]
• This Twilight "news" sounds juicy but actually isn't: Kristen Stewart's boyfriend Michael is "really insecure" when it comes to Robert Pattinson. A source says: "Everywhere [Kristen] goes, [Michael] now wants to go too. He's extremely jealous. And let's just say he's been trying to be up in Vancouver a lot lately." Which leaves Robert by himself, poor thing. [E!]
• William Hurt to Marlee Matlin: "My own recollection is that we both apologized and both did a great deal to heal our lives. Of course, I did and do apologize for any pain I caused. And I know we have both grown. I wish Marlee and her family nothing but good." She has said that he was violent when they were together; she told Access Hollywood: "I always had fresh bruises every day. And if I had a split lip, or if...I mean, there were a lot of things that happened that were not pleasant…I was always afraid...of him, but I loved him. Or maybe I thought I did. But look, I was 19, he was 35." [E!]
• The lady accused of having an affair with Bruce Springsteen wanted the details of her divorce to be private; the judge said no way. [NY Post]
• Wow, does David Letterman really hate Jay Leno? Apparently Jay wrote him a letter after his open-heart surgery and Dave did not respond. GQ calls this "heartless." [New York Mag]
• You guys: The show hasn't started yet but one of the Real Housewives Of New Jersey is pregnant. [People]
• The folks at ONTD are calling Johnathon Schaech's blog "The Saddest Blog Of The Year." [ONTD]
• Survivor star Richard Hatch wants to live in Argentina after he's released from prison for tax evasion; a federal judge said no fucking way. [USA Today]
• An arrest warrant was issued for model Angie Everhart, but she has paid a fine and her lawyer says it was a misunderstanding. [RadarOnline]
• Law & Order : SVU has been renewed for an 11th season, but it's not clear whether stars Christopher Meloni and Mariska Hargitay will return. How can the show move on without them? [LA Times]
• Words I never ever thought I would type: Apple's Steve Wozniak will walk Dancing With The Stars' Karina Smirnoff down the aisle at her wedding to Maksim Chmerkovskiy. [Page Six]
• Private Practice star Kate Walsh filed amended divorce papers on Monday; she doesn't want her estranged hubs to get spousal support. [ET]
• Blind item! "Which singer/talk show hostess should be more careful where she shops? She was taken recently to a downtown storage facility where she bought $10,000 worth of luxury designer goods of dubious provenance — not fake, but fallen off the truck." [Page Six]
• "The girls were out of control-they were doing drugs and they were making out and they were coming on to us in a big way. They might have been 15 or 16, but in their heads they were already 40. I don't think there was a virgin on the set, except maybe a couple of the guys." — says Gerald V. Casale, of DEVO, reminiscing on playing the "New Wave Bat Mitzvah" on '80s sitcom Square Pegs. He also says he did coke with Jami Gertz and Sarah Jessica Parker in the talent trailers. [Heeb]
• "See, I don't think of myself as funny. I think of myself as rather grave, actually. And I'm suspicious of fun. I never quite know what that is or how to deal with it or how to generate it. That's my fault. I know it's a burden on the people I'm with. It's tiresome." — Hugh Laurie. [Mirror]
• "I'm in love with Angelina Jolie. Everything she does, I adore. I'd like to do an action film where I could kick someone's ass. I want to be strong and empowered. I want to shock everybody. [I have] really strong legs. I inherited them from my dad, who has tree stumps for legs, basically. I've got big calves that look good. When I wear heels, it looks like I've worked out my legs a lot, which is why I love them. I also have a big, big big toe. I call it my goat toe. I can climb anything." — Vanessa Hudgens. [Ok!]
• "I will donate 100K to one individual's favorite non profit organization.Of course,you must convince me why by using 140 characters or less." — Hugh Jackman, on Twitter, encouraging people to Tweet their suggestions. [Telegraph]
• "How long do you think the whole Internet thing is gonna last? Are people gonna get sick of that in five, 10 years, maybe? They [my kids] won't get to be, like, 15, 16, typing in, like, the word 'Fuck' and their father's name - a kid wouldn't do that, right? This just completely undermines all parental authority I would ever have." — Ben Affleck, worried that the "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck" skit he did with Jimmy Kimmel will be seen by his kids someday. [Daily Express]
• "I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat. You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife… I totally understand OJ. I get it." — Hulk Hogan. [Page Six]
• "My friend hypnotised me before I started rehearsals to have a real open mind. I was getting a bit nervous. My anxiety was getting to me. I was hypnotised to calm me down and it worked." — Mel B, on getting ready for her racy peepshow in Las Vegas. [Daily Express]
• "I said, 'Look I'm going to call out the elephant in the room. I've never done a part like this. I sound like a girl from the San Fernando Valley. I have nothing in my arsenal to prove to you I'm capable of doing this.'" — Drew Barrymore, on her casting meeting for Grey Gardens. [LA Times]
• This is my first action movie, and I love every minute of it. I have a wonderful role, named Virginia. I wish I could tell you more about who I am, but I had to sign a confidentiality agreement. And I'm a trading card, too! I said, 'Oh my God, I have to be the oldest female-action-figure trading card.' And it's a very odd child who will ask for my card." — Jane Alexander, 69, who is in Terminator: Salvation as well as the play Chasing Mamet. [NY Mag]
• "I WAS WORKING ON THIS DOPE ASS SONG WITH JARED AND BRANDON STOPPED BY. I PLAYED THEM SOME OF THE NEW JEEZY BEATS AND BEFORE EVERYBODY BOUNCED BRANDON HOPPED ON THE KEYBOARD AND I HOPPED ON THE MPC. SHIT WAS DOPE. OH AND YES THOSE ARE SWAROVSKI CRYSTALS ON BRANDON'S SHIRT BY DRIES VAN NOTEN." — Your Friend Kanye West, who is talking about Jared Leto and Brandon Flowers. Pic at the link! [Kanye UniverseCity]

• On the red carpet at a fundraiser a reporter touched Hayden Panettiere's shoulder. She screamed, "Don't you ever touch me!" and told the rest of the press, "You all make my life miserable." [Us]

• Jimmy Kimmel went on The View dressed as Rosie O'Donnell and the ladies asked him why Sarah Silverman broke up with him. Jimmy said, "What do you mean, what happened? Look at me. What do you think happened? I'm a 41-year-old man with a bra filled with Koosh balls. I'm an imbecile. She couldn't date an imbecile anymore." [Star]
• In this video from December, Chris Brown jokes with a DJ about "island girls" being feisty. But don't worry, Chris says he and Rihanna don't fight because if she started arguing with him, he'd just "laugh it off and walk away." Chris adds, "I ain't the fightin' type." [TMZ]
• Jade Goody, the British reality star who has cancer, woke up in her hospital bed to find a woman looming over her with a hammer. The woman was taken into police custody and Goody is uninjured. [UPI]
• Sources say Megan Fox and Robert Pattinson had secret rendez-ous at a West Hollywood hotel last week. [ONTD]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are planning a camping trip across the U.S. They'll sleep in a tent, but unlike most campers they are taking their Scientologist friend with them and will have security camped down the road to keep away "to keep any unwelcome people at bay." [Newser]
• Doug Reinhardt gave Paris Hilton a a baby teacup Pomeranian for her birthday for her birthday. "He probably got me more presents than any guy ever," said Paris. [People]
• On Sunday Metallica cancelled a concert in Stockholm minutes before it was set to start because singer James Hetfield had to be hospitalized for a stomach bug and dehydration. [AP]
• Christina Ricci says she's a fan of the paparazzi because she feels no one would attack her while she has a gang of paparazzi with her. Also, one helped her get a snake out of her driveway. [The Daily Express]
• British newspaper The Sun is apologizing to Isla Fisher for claiming she had plastic surgery (which she has not). [The Sun]
• If you were dying to know what Samantha Ronson thinks about Coolio's recent arrest at LAX for crack possession, here you go: "The thing that baffles me most is the fact that you can't even smoke on planes anyway... if you're gonna be an idiot and do drugs - I guess I should just stop there - if you're dumb enough to do drugs then you're probably not thinking about much else ..." [The Daily Express]
• In this video, Miley Cyrus is asked what she would call Justin Gaston, since she already calls an ex-boyfriend "Prince Charming" in her autobiography. "Probably just Justin," said Miley. "Because he's perfect." [E!]
• Mariska Hargitay underwent a second surgery last week for a collapsed lung. She's going to miss one episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit because she's still recovering. [Entertainment Weekly]
• "Drew is going to surprise a lot of people. Little Edie is such a huge role, and people are not accustomed to seeing the depth of Drew's capacity for drama." - Jessica Lange on co-star Drew Barrymore's performance in Grey Gardens. [W Magazine]
• Paul Rudd and Jason Segel were pretending to flirt with each other at the screening of their new movie I Love You, Man. When asked about the quality he looks for most in a man, Rudd said "height"; while the 6 foot, 4 inch Segal said said "extreme shortness." Rudd replied: "You are a gem." [WWD]

• Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have split up again, five months after reconciling. "Sarah initiated the split this time," says a source. "He's bummed." The two had dated on and off for six years.[US Weekly]

• Britney Spears took time off from her Circus tour to visit 40 sick children in a Miami hospital. "She took pictures with the kids and gave them autographed pictures," says hospital spokesperson Cristene Martinez,"The kids were so excited to meet Britney, and having her here was a great distraction for them."[People]
• "I couldn't top Friends. It was one of the best times of my life and it feels like a very precious thing to me; anything that happens from this point is a cherry on top of the cake. The fact that I just get to keep working makes me feel really lucky."- Jennifer Aniston [DailyMail]
• Nadya Suleman has lost yet another publicist: "Not to sound arrogant, but those people depended on me for everything," says former publicist Victor Munoz, "You have no idea what I've had to do for these people. Nadya got real greedy. This woman is nuts. This I can say: what ultimately destroyed the business arrangement was personal reasons."[US Weekly]
• "What's funny, people will say that to me. "We interviewed you right after 'Idol'; you're pretty much the same." I'm like, yep. I don't want to live in a sceney place. I live in Texas, right next to the town I grew up in. I genuinely just love doing music. I'm not really excited about the whole famous thing."- Kelly Clarkson [Newsweek]
• Charles Barkley has reported to jail to serve his 3-day sentence for drunk driving: "You come here when you screw up," Barkley said at a press conference, "I don't blame anybody for this situation but myself." He also took a minute to comment on the Rihanna/Chris Brown situation: "I wish both of them the best, but it's never acceptable to hit a woman. Period." [CNN]
• Hey No Doubt fans: purchase "top price level" tickets to their upcoming tour and receive a pass to download the entire No Doubt catalog. [EW]
• Blind item: "Which celeb was so caned on ketamine at a party she began dancing with a plant?" [BlindGossip]
• Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson says he decided to turn his life around after his mother had to bail him out of jail at age 17. ""My parents were dealing with evictions and repossessions and electricity getting shut off," he says, "and I just realized that I had to get it together." [NYTimes]
• "You start off being a kid in an Adidas top," he continues, "and you end being this guy in a fur jacket and two pairs of f***ing sunglasses. Which, let me tell you, is amazing. Those times were incredible. I wouldn't want to go back to them for all the tea in China. That would be a joke. But I'm glad I lived through all that madness, all the fur coats and the crocodile-skin shoes and the drugs and the women. We made it look like what it is: the best job in the world."-Noel Gallagher [Times of London]
• Alex Rodriguez is apparently wooing girlfriends by buying gift cards to Victoria's Secret: "He's been going into Victoria's Secret for the last seven months and buying $1,000 gift cards, sometimes five or six at a time," says a source, "He must be giving them out like candy." [PageSix]
• If you were impressed by certain bulges in Billy Crudup's Watchmen costume, I'm afraid you were tricked by the magic of the movies. "I'm not saying how much the computer helped," Crudup admits, "Why would the guy with all this power really care about a uniform? . . . I think he kind of feels like, 'You know what? I enjoy a good breeze on my private parts.' " [PageSix]
• And speaking of Watchmen, the movie had a great start, taking in 25.1 million dollars at the box office on Friday. [EW]
• Scarlett Johansson's new brunette do isn't for a movie after all: she just got "bored" and decided to mix things up a bit. ""I was bored one day," Johansson says, "It was raining and I was with a hairdresser friend and we just decided to color my hair. We experimented with a few shades until we got the right one. I like it." [ShowbizSpy]
• Is Christian Bale going to try to save his crazy reputation by doing a romantic comedy? A source says yes: "Christian's reputation has been done no favors by the broadcasting of his rant. He has a habit of going for very dark and moody roles so that's not helping his image either. It was his friend Drew Barrymore who suggested he might try something like a romantic comedy, and it looks like he might star in something with her. Drew is looking for the right script." Just don't let Phil Collins do the soundtrack, okay? [ShowbizSpy]
• Beyonce may sing about heartache, but apparently she's never experienced it: ""Well, fortunately I haven't had any break-ups! This is my first relationship," she says, referring to her marriage to Jay-Z. [JustJared]
• In Miley Cyrus' new book, Miles to Go, she recalls how she stood up to bullies in school: "They started cussing me and telling me to get up. I sat there, frozen. I didn't know what to do," Cyrus writes, "Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't chicken. What could they do to me? I was surrounded by people. I stood up, still a foot shorter then they were, and said: ‘What's your problem? What did I ever do to you?'" If you didn't catch that first bit, I wrote, Miley Cyrus' book. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to burn my MFA and cry maniacal tears.[ TheSun]