• More on this in Midweek Madness, but Lindsay Lohan hit up L.A.'s Crown Bar earlier this month — and took 15-year-old sister Ali with her. A source says:

"They partied until after 1 a.m., and she treated Ali as if she were just one of her friends at the club with her. And Ali was excited to be there." Earlier in the evening, the ladies were elsewhere: "They walked into Teddy's at the Roosevelt Hotel around midnight. Both of them were smoking like chimneys and dancing around." [MSNBC Scoop via Life & Style]

• Samantha Burke is looking to sell exclusive photos when she gives birth to Jude Law's baby. Jude's Hamlet on Broadway opens October 6, the same day little love child Sophia is due. Which tab will pay for an interview and pix? [Page Six]
• Remember how Jude Law pushed a female photographer out of the way as he left a London club in July? 'The Crown Prosecution Service has decided not to take action against him, deciding he had "no intention to assault anyone." [Telegraph]
• Patrick Swayze will be cremated and his ashes will be spread across his New Mexican Rancho de Días Alegres (Ranch of Happy Days), which he called his favorite place in the world. [Newser]
• Dancing With The Stars will honor Patrick Swayze on its September 23 results show. [People]
• PAPYRUS, a suicide prevention group, says that Lady Gaga's performance at the VMAs was "sensationalizing and romanticizing suicide," which is "irresponsible." A commenter named "nick" writes: "erm dude lmao, she didnt pretend to stab herself, paparazzi is about how fame can cause death, shes sending out a message to young people that The Fame is a tough path and not everyone should go down it. Like princess diana died because of fame, jesus you guys just cry about anyone whos doing so amazingly well! GaGa your awesome!" [Pop Crunch]
• Bobby Brown is one of the only "celebrities" in the new Celebrity Fit Club, unless you count Shar Jackson. [TMZ]
• Drew Barrymore had never put on skates before shooting Whip It, but she and her castmates went to a roller-derby boot camp. She says of her decision to direct: "I've been producing for 15 years, and it's all been preparing for the big test. I really care so much about what I do, and I love filmmaking so much. I love every detail and every aspect of it. I think slow and steady wins the race, too. I didn't need to direct when I was 21. I wanted to produce and learn about the filmmaking process and understand every element going into it, so that by the time I did direct, I was as knowledgeable and well-prepared as possible." [AP]
• Serena Williams: Not in danger of losing any of her estimated $12 million in annual endorsement deals after her outburst at the US Open. [AdAge]
• Diddy's cop drama: "It was just a little misunderstanding…miscommunication. Me and the officer, we worked it out… Things were a little aggressive for me, which I'm not really used to." [TMZ]
• Joe Jackson's busty date at the VMAs is a singer he manages, but some people seemed to think it was tacky to bring her to see Janet's tribute to Michael. Like Jennifer Lopez, for instance. [Page Six]
• In this video, Jon Gosselin says that even though Stephanie Santoro's mom claims he once said he threatened suicide and had a sexual relationship with her daughter, it's not true and "people are always trying to make money" off of him. [Radar Online]
• Meanwhile: Kate Gosselin as been asked to appear on The View on Friday, the same day as Kathy Griffin, who recently opened the Creative Arts Emmys in Ed Hardy-wear saying, "I just banged Jon Gosselin." Plus: Kate will get a show called Mom Logic, where she'll work with Southern cook Paula Deen. Their show will have "a mix of advice, health and beauty tips and celebrity gossip geared toward moms and moms-to-be." [Radar]
• Spotted at an NYC gay party: Daniel Craig. [Village Voice]
• Your morning cute: Walker, the new son of Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs.[People]
• BREAKING: Spencer gave Heidi a maltipoo puppy for her birthday. Wait, isn't Jessica Simpson missing a maltipoo? [People]
• Anne Heche and "lazy-ass" ex-husband Coley Laffoon now have a highly paid court-ordered chaperone called a "parenting plan coordinator" who makes $375 an hour to teach them how to make effective parenting decisions. That's good money, but… yikes. [TMZ]
• Cops were called to the home of Rolling Stone guitarist Ronnie Wood after a "domestic disturbance" with 19-year-old girlfriend Ekaterina Ivanova. No arrests were made. [Mirror]
• A photographer to Mickey Rourke at 1:45pm at a fashion week event: "Smile! Why aren't you smiling?" Mickey: "Cause I'm still drunk." He also said: "I'm wearing the same suit I got from a bad movie I did seven years ago. It's still got the stains from a bullet hole. I just put this colorful pocket square in front of the stain so nobody can tell." [Page Six]
• Lost news! Ian Somerhalder, aka Boone, was en route to Hawaii yesterday. He teases: "The only thing I can say is that I'm going back for several episodes….I have a script that weighs like 200 pounds, but I don't really know what's happening." [EW]
• Guys, I never read celebrity litter-ature, but I just might have to get Kelly Osbourne's new book, Fierce. The description reads: "This book isn't just about me, it's about you. So whatever you're worried about, whatever you want to change, and whatever you want to shout about, me and my friends are here to help." [KellyOsbourne.com]
• Jill Scott will star in a Lifetime movie called Sins of the Mother, based on the novel Orange Mint and Honey by Carleen Brice. The plot revolves around a grad student who returns home to face her abusive, alcoholic mother — played by Scott — only to discover that her mom is sober and has a new life. [Variety]
• DVR Alert: George Takei and his husband will appear on the The Newlywed Game! [NY Daily News]
• "Livid Katie Price phones TV show to say she will NEVER name celebrity who raped her." [Daily Mail]
• In a poll, commissioned by UK's Children's Society, 55% of those questioned thought David Beckham was a good role model for kids; two-thirds of adults believe school-age children do not have appropriate role models in their lives. [Telegraph]
• "I had this, without going into detail, this epiphany, this awakening and it both terrified me and compelled me. I felt blessed and cursed in New Orleans and I was afraid to go back to New Orleans. I knew I had to confront my fears and make a movie in New Orleans so I requested we film in New Orleans so I could go through this catharsis. I really didn't know which way it would go. It was either going to be beautiful or a disaster. The first day of filming I couldn't remember my lines but then it began to flow." — Nicolas Cage on new flick Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans. [Mirror]
• Q: You've made over 40 films. Have your ideas about beauty changed as you've gotten older? A: I've just rewatched Paris, the new film I did that's coming out in America-and it talks about that. Because my character is 40 years old with three children and she feels like her love life is over. And actually her brother, who's very sick, gives her another view of her life by saying, "Go for it. You're lucky to be alive and healthy." So it's not about age. I believe that-that's why I started to dance at age 43 and why I'm doing other things. — Juliette Binoche. Click the link to see Juliette's paintings and an image from her dance performance. [W]  
• "I'm from Illinois, she was from Wisconsin, and I could understand a midwestern quality about her. She knew what she wanted to do: At 8 years old she was playing with her friend and asked her, 'What are you going to do when you grow up?' 'I don't know.' 'Well, I'm gonna be a painter.' At 8 years old, I was, 'I'm gonna be an actor.' So I could see that we shared a kind of focus." — Joan Allen on playing Georgia O'Keeffe in a new Lifetime movie. [AP]
• "I have no desire to have children. People keep saying that it'll change. I'm like, 'No, it's not going to change.' I think it would be really selfish to have a child right now. I'm never home. People don't always think about the quality of life when they're having a child. I love children but I have no desire to have my own child. I'm too nervous to procreate my own genes." — Chelsea Handler. [Telegraph]
• "Sue Sylvester can be a very dark person, and she has joy in her darkness. She loves showing people how cruel she can be. If it didn't live in me, I couldn't do it! In the pilot, when they're introducing my character, Matthew Morrison in the voice-over says, 'She may or may not have posed for Penthouse.' And I thought, 'Oh, OK. I want to play this part! Penthouse?' Plus, she is so cold and ruthless, and I thought this was a nice, extreme character and I wanted to play her." — Jane Lynch on her character in Glee. [USA Today]
• "I feel like (my private life is) no one's business. I don't know about your life. I don't want to, truthfully. It's not my business. It's a very strange thing. But somehow it's like there was some clause somewhere that said, ‘Well, you're a public person so we get to go into your house and search through your drawers.' I don't know who came up with it because I wouldn't have signed on. I don't think anybody would have… It's embarrassing that people are focused so much and putting so much money into gossip magazines to escape. The paparazzi and the magazines deserve their share of the blame, but they're just supplying a demand. It's unfortunate that people don't care that they've been lied to, they don't care that they're being sort of messed with and not given the full truth. They buy them anyway." — Jennifer Aniston. [MSNBC via Parade]
• "I'd rather have a rectal examination on live TV by a fellow with cold hands than have a Facebook page" — George Clooney. [Page Six]
• "My temper is ridiculously bad. I've had to say to Brian, 'You have to go and stop talking to me, because I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stab you with something, please leave.' I'd never own a gun for that reason. I wouldn't shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure." — Megan Fox to Rolling Stone. [Page Six]

• Jonathan Rhys Meyers was detained by French police this weekend for allegedly assaulting an airport cafe bartender who refused to serve him because he was drunk. They started fighting and when a waiter intervened, Rhys Meyers punched him.

• Rhys Meyers was held in a sober lock-up area for three hours and released. He is required to appear before a French court in September to face charges of "voluntary violence, contempt, issuing death threats and assault." [People]
• Perez Hilton is suing the Black Eyed Peas' manager, Polo Molina, for battery and intentional infliction of emotional distress. He is seeking $25,000 in damages. [USA Today]
• Polo Molina may wind up in jail for six months if the charges stick because he's already on probation for a DUI. [TMZ]
• Matthew Broderick talked about his new twins while leaving a production of his Broadway show The Philanthropist last night. "I'm very happy. I don't know what else to say," he said, adding, "I've seen them already. I just got back [from Ohio]." [People]
• Yesterday a Chris Brown song called "Not My Fault" appeared online, but his people say the song is three years old and not about Rihanna. [CNN]
• TMZ has obtained a copy of the Gosselin's divorce papers. There's nothing particularly unusual or interesting about them, but why should anything about their lives be kept private? [TMZ]
• TLC has responded to claims that Jon Gosselin's alleged mistress Deanna Hummel will be on Jon and Kate Plus 8 when the show comes back from hiatus in August. The network released a statement saying, "There are no plans to use her. We are in hiatus and all future episodes haven't even been planned." But, how could future episodes of a "reality show" be planned? [TMZ]
• Michelle Obama is expected to make a cameo at Beyonce's concert in Washington, D.C. tonight. [Just Jared]
• This morning on The View Elisabeth Hasselbeck addressed the charges that she plagiarized her book The G-Free Diet, saying, "I just want to assure you the allegations are without merit and are being handled appropriately." [People]
• Emma Watson, 19, says she and her boyfriend of a year, 25-year-old Jay Barrymore, are not on the verge of a breakup. "The only reason it's 'on/off' is because the papers make up so much rubbish!" she says. [The Daily Express]
• People think Emma Watson is attending Columbia University because someone named "Charlotte E. Watson" has appeared in the student directory and her real name is Emma Charlotte Duerre Watson. She has said in the past, "I just want to keep it private [my college choice] for as long as I can. I probably sound like a paranoid nut, but I'm doing this because I want to be normal. I really want anonymity. I want to do it properly, like everyone else. As long as I don't walk in, and see, like, Harry Potter posters everywhere, I'll be fine." [Just Jared]
• Jason Alexander was speaking in Israel today as part of his work with a charity that has Israeli and Palestinian students write about what they imagine what the world may look like if a peace agreement is signed. He said the search for Israeli-Palestinian peace is similar to Seinfeld because both seemed destined not to succeed. "We were canceled, we were gone, we were a distant memory and somehow we came back and eventually everybody caught on and started paying attention," he said. [AP]
• Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole insulted Audrina Patridge on Twitter after Audrina called Nicole's boyfriend, Brody Jenner, a "whore" whom she is "way more famous than. Nicole Tweeted: "Listen CEILING eyes.. not only are you a WHORE you are the dumbest human being I have EVER met so don't talk shit about Brody." [Perez Hilton]
• Audrina Patridge says her new show for MTV will begin filming at the end of the summer, but right now she's still filming The Hills. She says of castmate Kristin Cavallari, "I know she's in it now, but it's a matter of how she fits in, and we've only filmed a couple times and I really don't know [if she'll be the focus]... I don't really know her. I don't talk to her. Like, I really don't care." [People]
• Former American Idol star Kimberly Locke is hosting the Gospel Music Channel's singing competition show Gospel Dream. She says, "It's different in that the contestants are very focused on where they want to be and the type of music they want to sing. When you are on "Idol," you are forced to fit into all of these different genres you may or may not want to do and you may or may not even be familiar with them." [CNN]
• Last week a judge ruled that a Minnesota mom, Jammie Thomas-Rasset, owes the RIAA a $1.92 million fine for illegally downloading 24 songs. Richard Marx, one of the artists whose music she downloaded released a statement saying, "It seems to me, especially in these extremely volatile economic times, that holding Ms. Thomas-Rasset accountable for the continuing daily actions of hundreds of thousands of people is, at best, misguided and at worst, farcical... I'm ashamed to have my name associated with this issue." Moby, whose music she also downloaded, wrote on his blog: "What utter nonsense... Punishing people for listening to music is exactly the wrong way to protect the music business." [Rolling Stone]
• New York Times readers have responded to Patti LuPone's email defending her decision to stop performing when she sees someone using an electronic device in the audience. Most commenters replied, "Brava, diva." [N.Y. Times]
• "Women in movies, in general, are sexy — especially in Michael [Bay]'s movies. And if you want to make movies that people want to see, that's part of it. That's part of the formula," — Megan Fox. [Reuters]
• Vanessa Minnillo is over her break up with Nick Lachey according to a random person who saw her at a party. "She certainly wasn't moping in the corner or looking upset over her breakup at all," said the partygoer. "I saw her talking to three or four really cute guys. She totally seemed to be flirting and didn't look like she was upset or anything." [Life & Style]
• Antonio Bandaras said he was uncomfortable filming his love scenes with Radha Mitchell in the upcoming film The Code. He said, "Radha was - she is a lady, so I tried to be as respectful as possible. At the same time, I'm nearly 50 years old, and even I start getting more wary of those scenes... Everything changes as you get older - your mind, your body, the way you view the world." [The Daily Express]
• Johnny Depp says he hopes people will like his character John Dillinger in Public Enemies even though he's a criminal. "Especially in that era … everything was going against the common man. People like John Dillinger came back and were anti the establishment in their own special way," Depp said. "I actually hope people root for him, too." [USA Today]
• Though Michelle Pfeiffer plays an older woman who seduces a younger man in her new period film Cheri she says she doesn't like the word "cougar." She says, "I can't wait for that word to go out of fashion. I just think it's . . . . I'm so over it. Not that I was ever really into it. Where did that start, anyway? How did that evolve? Well, it's not really what the movie's about. But if it brings people into the theater, I'm all for that." [L.A. Times]
• Gisele Bundchen says she's focusing more on family now that she's pregnant. "I am crazy about children ... I am an adoptive mother ... I've already had this experience for two years," says Gisele. "I prefer to stay at home. The big husband wins. Because of this relationship, what is most important to me is the family. Now I am creating my other family." [People]
• Jill Scott explains why she and her husband broke up shortly after the birth of their son Jett, saying, "[My husband] was there and for a couple of days afterwards while I stayed in hospital, but John and I are no longer together. When you have a baby you're dealing with a lot of emotions and I don't know how much of it had to do with us breaking up, but it happens. We definitely love our son and we are co-parenting and working on being friends. It is what it is. I have a lot of support, so I want for nothing as far as that's concerned. I know some might criticize me or the fact that my son is being raised in a single-parent home, but I wasn't raised in a two-parent home and I had a good relationship with my dad. I have hopes for him and I'm sure his father will do his part as well." [Essence]

• Britney shouted, "What's up London?" at a recent gig… In Manchester. Mancunians were irritated. [Daily Mail]

• Beyoncé backed out of a performance at a club in New York — and the club owner says he's already spent $100,000 preparing for the show. Lawsuit threat! [Page Six]
• Rihanna is expected in court on Monday as a witness in Chris Brown's assault case; her testimony will not be televised. [CNN]
• Angelina was taping Anderson Cooper 360 for World Refugee Day and said: "I usually just explain to [my kids] that there are other families in the world that aren't as fortunate as ours and other kids'...And so I tell them that it's important for all of us to do what we can and then go to these places and understand what's happening, Hopefully I'll take them to as many countries as I can and raise them with an education of the world." [E!]
• Here's a transcript of Anderson Cooper's interview with Angelina. [CNN]
• Oh for the love of God. Someone has their hands on a sex tape starring Leighton Meester — Blair from Gossip Girl — and it involves her "very talented feet." [TMZ]
• Jessica Alba has sent a donation to the United Way after defacing on of their billboards. Good idea! [E!]
• Sacha Baron Cohen wore a bull outfit in Spain yesterday. As you can see in this picture, his black costume had horns, a prominent penis and a hooves. He was attended by cute bullfighters. [USA Today]
• Katherine Heigl is staying on for season six of Grey's Anatomy. [E!]
• If Jill Scott is nominated for an Emmy for The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency and wins, she'll be the first African-American actress to have a best TV drama actress award. [LA Times]
• Dina Lohan, a little late on the uptake, has commented that her daughter Lindsay Lohan had nothing to do with the jewelry theft from an Elle photo shoot. Yeah. We know. Dina also says: "Last month her personal cell was posted online and now her phone messages have been hacked. This must stop. She is a 22-year-old girl who needs to live her life in peace. The tabloids need to leave her alone with all the lies and reporting with no proof." [People]
• Just what you always wanted: Jennifer Love Hewitt is writing a dating book called The Say I Shot Cupid. "I thought it was time to share the real story of what I've learned navigating the dating waters," she says. "Hopefully, in addition to having a good laugh, women reading this will learn from some of my hard lessons." [People]
• Shanna Moakler, who resigned as president from the Miss California USA organization, says: "If Donald Trump gives his blessing, I'll be back in a heartbeat." [E!]
• Hmm: Did Olive Garden pull its ad dollars from David Letterman's show after his kerfluffle with Sarah Palin? [Ad Age]
• Conan O'Brien is beating David Letterman in certain demographics, but Letterman is close behind in total viewers. [Variety]
• "Today I begin my fast for Darfur." — Maria Bello. [Huffington Post]
• Oh, dear: Amy Winehouse is causing trouble on St. Lucia. Just by being there! An "influential local newspaper proprietor" believes that Amy's stay on the island is good publicity; a former government spin doctor says Amy should have been arrested and kicked out of the country by "the morality police." [Guardian]
• In this story, Beth Ditto goes off on Katy Perry and her "party song" "I Kissed A Girl." Ditto says: "As a gay person, it's like, 'Oh, of course this straight person singing about kissing a girl goes straight to Top 40 and people buy this record. Who can give a fuck about real gay people?' That's what's really painful about the whole thing." [Spinner]
• George Michael was banned from driving for 2 years, but now he's back behind the wheel, with a new car: a $200,000 Ferrari California. Something subtle and low-profile. [Luxist]
• Au revoir! David and Victoria Beckham are thinking of selling their home ins the South of France. [The Sun]
• David Archuleta's dad has pleaded no contest to "patronizing" a prostitute in a Salt Late City massage parlor. And he doesn't mean he was condescending to her. He means he was a customer! He paid a $582 fine and completed a counseling class. [USA Today]
• LeAnn Rimes is not getting a divorce, says LeAnn's rep. [E!]
• Josie Bissett will return to Melrose Place — as a guest star. [People]
• Do Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo live under a rock? They have never heard of Susan Boyle. [Us Magazine]
• "Susan Boyle was dropped from a second Britain's Got Talent concert last night after launching into a bizarre rant over her beloved cat Pebbles." [Daily Mail]
• In this interview, Tyrese refers to himself in the third person and says: "I believe that people are going to love Transformers 2." Of course you do. [USA Today]
• OMG. If Susanne Bartsch had been on the Real Housewives Of New York it would have been a much different show. She is a legend, a spectacle and a freak show — rolled into one — in the best possible way. [NY Mag]
• Check out this zany interview with Bob Odenkirk and David Cross, the Mr. Show duo, who are reuniting for a string of Chicago shows. [Milwaukee Decider]
• You've gotta love these pictures of Sienna Miller "stumbling" out a club with rumored romantic interest, Irish comedian Patrick Kielty — her hair's disheveled and he's got a cocktail in his hand as he sits in the cab. [Daily Mail]
• But wait! Don't miss these pictures of Kate Moss writhing on stage with Pink Floyd's David Gilmour as she sings at a karaoke party. [Daily Mail]
• LOL: Robin Wright Penn calls Keanu Reeves a "gentle giant." [The Star]
• When asked about Sean Penn, Robin joked: "Thank God somebody's staying with the kids!" [Mirror]
• "Heidi Fleiss speaks up for tropical birds." [Sadie Frost is 44 and single and just hosted a speed-dating night, which is "news." [Daily Express]
• Common and Queen Latifah will star in a sports romance called Just Wright, in which a sports trainer finds herself falling in love with a professional basketball player while rehabilitating him from a career-threatening injury. [Variety]
• Kevin Williamson is working on a new Scream trilogy, but Neve Campbell refuses to be in it. Williamson's Twitter reads: "This sucks." [ONTD]
• Hollywood is out of ideas, part MCDLXXXV: Teen Wolf remake. On the way. [Movie Hole]
• Gravely ill: Walter Cronkite. [NY Post]
• Jeremy Piven hasn't eaten fish in 10 months. [People]
• Blind item! "Which music mogul looks at himself in the mirror every morning and recites an ode to his greatness?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I would love to do [a movie about] Harriet Tubman. I think maybe one day a slave epic. Apart from Roots, which was on television, I don't think there's been a serious film dealing with slavery in this country. It would need alternative means of finance. It's not something that you could get made through the traditional Hollywood system." — from "10 Questions With Spike Lee." [Time]
• "Jennifer does not share the same sense of humor as me - she did not like my jokes. I was picking on [Jen's husband] Ben Affleck and making fun of him because I've known him for a really long time - I was talking smack - and Jennifer goes, 'You know, if you keep saying stuff about him, I'm going to kick your ass.' And she could - I've seen Alias. She has a real girly sense of humor and didn't understand that I was kidding." — Kevin Smith. [Gatecrasher]
• "It feels to me like [the band] has run its course at the moment. I'm not going to quit making music, and I probably will make some more Nine Inch Nails stuff down the road. But I'm going to try some different things now." — Trent Reznor says NIN is going on hiatus after a summer tour. [Newsweek]
• "If there's any turmoil, I think it's managing all of it, but having an incredible team that helps me do that it makes it very easy, or easier than it would normally be attempting to do it myself." — Usher on filing for divorce. [Mirror]
• "I'm embarrassed to say it was my first time voting-but my guy got in." — Ginuwine, who never paid attention to politics until Barack Obama came along. [US News & World Report]
• "Maybe because she doesn't look anything special, people identify with her. I get letters all the time from people who think she is real, and they give me fashion tips for dressing better, telling me that if I smarten myself up I'll be able to stand up to everyone better at the magazine." — America Ferrera, on her Ugly Betty character. [Daily Mail]
• "Right now I'm shouting out to real dads. Some are great role models with real academic achievements. Some are not ... We deserve the love!!! We put up with everything, standing true to what's real and letting life take its course protecting our household, our woman, our children, our family ... Biggest Shout To My Son On The Way!!" — Nas. (Wait, what?) [TMZ]
• "There was lot of material to memorize… Curb is improvised and I'm making it up as I go along in many cases. Here, I was doing someone else's words, which was really a pleasure, because you can get pretty sick of being yourself every minute of every day. To actually have a chance to say someone else's words, no less Woody Allen's, was fun." — Larry David, on being in Whatever Works. [WSJ]
• "I've been wearing similar outfits to Lady GaGa for years across Europe while I've been promoting my records. Now when I wear outrageous costumes people say I'm copying her. It really annoys me. She stole my look and I want it back." — Swedish singer September, who appears to favor rubber and blonde hair. [The Sun]
• "My parents' generation wasn't so good at that… Now, I try to talk to my kids - they don't want to hear it from me. They know." — Michelle Pfeiffer on giving the bird and bees talk. [NY Magazine]
• "I've known Sacha since he did Bruno when he was a young man and my son is named Bruno after him – partly after Bruno!" — Nigella Lawson. [Daily Express]
• "Back then everyone wanted their body to look like mine. Women would say: 'I've worked out for five years to look like you.' I'd trained constantly for the film, but I couldn't sustain my fitness." — Linda Hamilton's Terminator biceps hit the screen 25 (?!?) years ago. [Daily Mail]
• "Man, I'm not into that stuff. All I need is a brush. That and some Carol's Daughter Body Butter to keep off the ash. My family, we use this stuff at home. I wish I had the time to get manicures and pedicures, but the season is so crazy. Some people make the time, but I don't." — LeBron James, as he got a cucumber-and-lavender manicure. [NY Mag]
• "Who am I? I'm just another schmendrick who used to be in a goy band. I don't know what the hell that means either, but I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be funny… Ok, that's enough schtick in the box from me." — Justin Timberlake's jokes at an event at the United Jewish Federation, where his record label boss, Barry Weiss, was being honored. [AP]

• Lindsay Lohan has supposedly been spending time with "a different man every night" since breaking up with Sam Ronson:

According to this report, she's been in "constant contact" with 90210 star Kellan Lutz and also been hanging out with a British paparazzo named Chris Jepson. A source says she and Jepson were "inseparable" at a Hollywood house party and spent some time in the bathroom together, blah blah blah. [Page Six]

• Heidi Montag and Miley Cyrus have come out in support of gay marriage (and Perez Hilton) via Twitter. Heidi's says: "God says in the bible that we should love our neighbor and he created us all as equals. I know in my heart that gays and lesbians should have the same government rights that Spencer and I will when we get married. So, yes, this blonde Christian believes in gay marriage." As for Miley, she wrote: "Jesus loves you AND your partner and wants you to know how much he cares! thats like a daddy not loving his lil boy cuz hes gay and that is WRONG and very sad! like i said everyone deserves to be happy." [Perez]
• Jesus may love the gheyz but Catholics hate Ron Howard's Angels & Demons. The Catholic Bishops Conference of India want it banned. [E!, Page Six]
• Lauren Conrad says Spencer Pratt has admitted that he started the sex tape rumor about her. "We actually have it on tape. He takes responsibility and apologizes for it." Oh, and also, the peeps from The Hills may not be as vapid as you think: MTV exec Liz Gateley sez: "These folks do talk about a lot of intelligent things — like global warming — we just don't show that on the show." Yes, shield your audience from the big words! [LA Times]
• Stephanie Pratt on being a Speidi bridesmaid: "I've never been to a wedding before. I know that Holly is in it. I'm hoping that she is Maid of Honor because I will screw everything up. I don't know if you watched any of the Kelly Cutrone scenes, but I'm really not good at following direction." [E!]
• LC says of the wedding: "I think that it was very nice of [Heidi] to invite me but I think that she didn't really expect me to come." [Mirror]
• Audrina is in a PETA ad, dressed as an angel wearing some kind of stripper bikini. She copy reads: "Be an Angel for Animals. ALWAYS ADOPT. NEVER BUY." [Just Jared]
• Was Madonna's fall from a horse as bad as it sounded? She is already back to working out with trainer Tracy Anderson. [The Sun]
• Angelina Jolie might star as Dr. Kay Scarpetta in a film based on the best-selling books by Patricia Cornwell. There are 16 Scarpetta books, so the film could potentially turn into a Bourne-type franchise. And! She's neither a hooker, a victim nor a doormat; she's a medical examiner. [Variety]
• Rihanna may go on tour with Ciara and Keyshia Cole, a source says. "Rihanna wants strong women to join her," the insider spills. "This is a 'women empowerment' type of tour." [E!]
• Will Rihanna and Chris Brown have to confront each other at an ASCAP Awards after-party tonight? [Daily Express]
• Hey, remember Britney's restraining order case? It's still going on: Closing arguments were heard yesterday but no ruling was made on whether to extend the length of time Sam Lutfi needs to stay away from the pop star. [People]
• Leonardo DiCaprio and Oprah Winfrey are the greenest celebrities in the world…according to a poll. Hmm. [Daily Express]
• Hugh Jackman put his hand and foot prints in the cement outside of Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood yesterday. [Reuters]
• Rachel Bilson will be a "fashion editor" at In Style; she'll write a monthly Q&A answering readers' style questions and talking about her favorite trends. [WWD]
• Congrats to Jill Scott and her fiancé; she delivered a boy named Jett Hamilton Roberts on April 20. Scott, who stars in HBO's The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, found out she was pregnant the day she was supposed to leave for Africa. [People]
• When Steve-O was in the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Clown College, he was a "cocaine-addicted clown" who "two shows on Friday, three shows on Saturday and three shows on Sunday, and typically I would do cocaine through all of it without sleeping." Jackass. [People]
• Lo Bosworth is guest blogging about The Hills over on E! Here's a sample: " Last night's episode was kind of sad, but there were parts that were really funny, too." Scintillating! [E!]
• Jamie Foxx is being sued by a guy who was severely injured by a vodka display and now can't be a brain surgeon. It's wasn't Foxx's display, but he was the host of the party at a Hollywood club. [TMZ]
• Can you picture Jamie Foxx playing Mike Tyson? [Gatecrasher]
• Movie studios are custom-tailoring scripts for Tom Cruise… Will he have a hit? [Variety]
• Check out what Michael Jackson wore on a 95° day in Beverly Hills. [Concrete Loop]
• In a "legal victory" for Sacha Baron Cohen, a judge ruled that a woman was not subject of libel because "it is obvious that the Ali G character is absurd, and all his statements are gibberish and intended as comedy." [NY Times]
• Here is a detailed run-down of the Mel Gibson family: Mel and his wife have an eldest daughter and "six able-bodied boys," the youngest of whom is 10. How will the divorce affect them? [People]
• Blind item! "What music executive ditched his longtime girlfriend by calling the cops and having her physically removed from their apartment?" [Gatecrasher]
• "For me to go, in the dead of winter, and leave the family, when the kids are in school and they can't come with me - it has got to be pretty damn good." — Michelle Pfeiffer on the script for her new flick, Cheri. [Guardian]
• "My manager keeps it in his house. I got too many people coming to my house. I don't want it to walk off. People stealing it and leaving me with an Oscar Mayer (meat product) instead. Like, what's this doing here?" — Jamie Foxx on his Oscar. [Daily Express]
• "We're like the Green Eggs and Ham of breakers-up: in a box. With a fox. On a train. In the rain. Down at Mel's. On our cells. Over a martini. In a Lamborghini… I will always love him. He's a very special person." — Kristin Chenoweth, on her on-again/off-again relationship with Aaron Sorkin, creator of Studio 60 and The West Wing. Full interview with Chenoweth, who has a new book, here. [The Daily Beast]
• "On April 27 I will begin a fast of water only in solidarity with the people of Darfur and as a personal expression of outrage at a world that is somehow able to stand by and watch innocent men, women and children needlessly die of starvation, thirst and disease." — Mia Farrow, announcing her hunger strike. [Yahoo News via Reuters]

The new series, which premieres on Sunday night on HBO, is about Precious Ramotswe, a 35-year-old divorcee played by Grammy winner Jill Scott. After her father dies, leaving her 180 cows and making her a wealthy woman, Precious decides to move from her rural town to Gaborone, the capital city of Botswana, and set up the nation's only female-run detective agency (thus making it "No.1").

The series is based on a popular series of books of the same name by Alexander McCall Smith, who set out to write "a book about a cheerful woman of traditional build." In an interview with Reuters, Smith explained that his books (and the new series) focus on the positive aspects of Africa, rather than the conflicts and crisis on the continent.

"Many outside writers, when writing about African countries concentrate on the bleak, and on what's wrong," said Alexander McCall Smith.

"Obviously, there are problems in many of these sub-Saharan African countries, but there are positive aspects and this series celebrates that," he said.

Some people have criticized the series, saying the sunny portrait of Africa is unrealistic, but Botswana (where the series was shot) is actually one of the most prosperous countries on the continent, and Smith says he didn't want to focus solely on the negative because:

"That's actually treating African countries as being something quite different, mythologized in a sense, made abnormal. Which actually really is, I think, wrong."

The show doesn't focus mainly on solving crimes, but on the lives of Precious and her friends, Grace (Anika Noni Rose), her straight-laced secretary, BK (Desmond Dube), the gay hairdresser whose salon is next door to the agency; and JLB (Lucian Msamati), a lovable mechanic who develops a crush on Precious.

So far, the show has received mostly positive reviews. Ginia Bellafante of the The New York Times writes that the show's feminist theme is interesting, especially in light of HBO's biggest female-focused hit:

[Precious] has longed for the independence of city life, but she loves her printed caftans and bush tea (the equivalent of coffee in a Greek cup on "Law & Order"), contentedly resisting the newly cosmopolitan pressures to remodel her body closer to a Western dictate.

The tension between tradition and modernity is rendered as broad subject and passing detail: in an early scene three young women right out of "Sex and the City: Manolos Below the Sahara" walk by the newly opened No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency to ask how a woman could be a detective, and how anyone at all might go undercover who is "the size of a small elephant."

Even if for some reason you're not sold on discussions of women's issues amid beautiful shots of Africa, Jill Scott's peformance makes the show worth checking out, according to the L.A. Times:

Even before we see her on-screen, Scott, a three-time Grammy winner, is a revelation; her summer-glazed creamy tones are the reason the voice-over was invented. Precious slowly tells of her loving father and his insistence that she learn everything a boy would, and soon we learn that, as a child, she solved a village argument over the ownership of a cow. Then somewhere amid the rising white dust and glimmering insects, it becomes clear that this show will restore the premium cable network to its former stature as the most surprising place on television.

No. 1 Lady Detective Series Focuses Cheery Africa [Reuters]
No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency [The New York Times]
'The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency' on HBO [The Los Angeles Times]

• A dude was arrested for trying to break into the Dancing With The Stars studio.

He's now got a restraining order against him because he was trying to meet Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson — but with two guns and duct tape in his car. Frightening. [Breitbart]

• The man stalking Shawn Johnson, Robert O'Ryan, says the gymnast was "speaking to him personally through the television and via ESP, and he will be with her not matter what." [NY Daily News]
• "Desperate" Britney Spears has been sending texts to ex Adnan Ghalib, according to a source. "She keeps sneaking messages to Adnan begging him to help her win back her freedom. She says she is lonely and misses being able to date the men she chooses. She feels trapped." [The Sun]
• One of the nurses fired by mother of octuplets Nadya Suleman says: This woman does not care for these kids, she's in this for the media, for the paparazzi." [Breitbart]
• "This woman does not care for these kids, that's my honest opinion," says nurse Linda West Conforti, founder of Angels In Waiting. [ABC News]
• Yes, Nadya Suleman was once a stripper. Or topless dancer. Move along. [MSNBC]
• Scarlett Johansson is the "muse" of Champagne brand Moet & Chandon, and you are not. [WWD]
• Also, people are talking about how thin ScarJo is now. [Defamer]
• Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on the rocks? A source says: "He is going out all the time and she's stuck at home. It's just not working." Her rep says this is not true. [Page Six]
• Mariah Carey wants a baby, so she has dropped $200K on a pink crib, a high chair and some other stuff. Her rep says it's not true. [Gatecrasher]
• "Jessica Simpson was spotted ordering a cooked gourmet meal in a restaurant for her dog." [The Star]
• Neil Patrick Harris will host the TVLand Awards, which sounds like fun: There will be tributes to Magnum PI, Knots Landing, M*A*S*H and, uh, Two And A Half Men. [Socialite Life]
• CSI star Marg Helgenberger has filed for divorce from her hussband, actor (and SAG prez) Alan Rosenberg. They married in 1989 and have a son. [Breitbart, AP]
• Bish Plz Face Of The Day goes to Harlow Madden, resplendent in purple. [People]
• The Oscars, which have taken place in February the last couple of years, are moving back to March. [NY Mag]
• What is wrong with this sentence: The Pussycat Dolls will perform on the Kids Choice Awards, singing "Jai Ho." [Three Stooges movie. Directed by the Farrelly brothers. Starring Jim Carrey, Benicio Del Toro, and Sean Motherfucking Penn. [World Of Wonder, E!]
• Nicole Kidman's been cast in that Woody Allen film which Freida Pinto, Naomi Watts, Josh Broling and Anthony Hopkins are already attached to. [Yahoo News via Reuters]
• Canadian model Noot Seear has been cast in sparkly vampire flick New Moon. This story suggests, "Let the Robert Pattinson and Noot romance rumors begin!" [Yahoo News via E!]
• Lost's Ian Somerhalder has joined the cast of a new CW show, Vampire Diaries. [Variety]
• By the by, the Twilight soundtrack is burning up the charts; Robert Pattinson sings on it, you know. [Yahoo News via E!]
• A review of ABC's new show, In The Motherhood, which is based on webisodes, reads: "What may be funny for five minutes isn't necessarily funny for 30." [USA Today]
• Ugly Betty fans: Do you think Betty should end up with her boss? Eric Mabius, who plays bossman Daniel Meade, says no: "That would be the equivalent of us jumping the shark." [USA Today, EW]
• Courteney Cox has been shooting her new show, Cougar Town, and it seems her wardrobe consists of bathrobes. [Daily Mail]
• Here's a preview of what to expect of the new 9 To 5 musical — starring Alison Janney! Dolly Parton oversaw the casting and wrote the music. [NY Post]
• Whee! Bob Barker is coming out of retirement — for one day — to be on The Price Is Right. He'll be promoting his autobiography, Priceless Memories. I want to spin the wheel. [ET]
• Jeremy Piven's sushi case will go into arbitration on June 8. [EW]
• Click the link to see Padma Lakshmi eat a burger like she's having sex with it in an ad for Carl's Jr. [E!]
• Watchmen actor Jeffrey Dean Morgan just found out he's the father of a four-year-old son by an old girlfriend. Surprise! [Daily Express]
• Gossip Girl's Kelly Rutherford is on the cover of Baby Couture, you know, the magazine that puts the coo in couture? [Just Jared]
• Who the hell cares if Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller were rooting against Denise Richards on Dancing With The Stars? [MSNBC]
• Here is a video of Pharrell Williams singing and dancing in a McDonald's in Paris because they wouldn't serve him; they weren't exactly open or something. [NY Daily News]
• Jenny McCarthy is on the cover of Shape magazine, and says "[Weight Watchers] taught me portion control and to be conscious of what I put into my mouth." That's what she said? Anyway, she's not gluten and dairy free, not that you wanted to know. [People]
• Merengue star Elvis Crespo is accused of masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. A woman says she saw him cover himself with a blanket, jerk off and then expose himself. Questioned at the airport, Crespo said: "I don't recall doing that." [AP]
• Brit headline of the day: "Simon Cowell Gets His Comeuppance As Prince Philip Calls Him A Sponger." [Daily Mail]
• Put this on your wish list: A box set of Hollywood movies shot before the 1934 Production Code. "Graphic stories of scandal, adultery, prostitution, drug use, murder and homosexuality." Woohoo! [USA Today]
• Blind item! "Which mouthy actor had a waitress dump a scalding cup of coffee in his lap - right after he smacked her bottom?" [Gatecrasher]
• "Interesting characters are pretty rare if you really want to be the lead. That's the usual complaint of actresses my age, and they're not wrong. They depend on you being beautiful. Since I'm not cast for my physicality, I'm not that interested in those parts. I find that playing so many characters in so many films is a way to stay in the moment." — from a profile on fantastic, awesome actress Catherine Keener, who turns 50 this week. [Guardian]
• "Complex later replaced the pic with the Photoshopped version, causing all of this drama. But you know what, who cares! I'm proud of my body and my curves and this picture coming out is probably helpful for everyone to see that just because I am on the cover of a magazine doesn't mean I'm perfect." — Kim Kardashian on her Photoshop of Horrors. [Socialite Life]
• "I always say the younger girls have the abundance of work, but I get to play real women, not girls, who have a whole life behind them." — Virginia Madsen, who's in The Haunting In Connecticut. [LA Times]
• "Right now, I like the idea that things can just kind of pop up and if they feel right I can do them. Committing to my own sort of project, that's like, 'Okay, let me block out two years of my life and do it.' I was heavily fulfilled with the last one and I always have this thing with myself that if I can't sleep because I need to do it, then I'm gonna do it. But if I'm not losing sleep over it then…" — Justin Timberlake, who is not working on a new album. [The Star]
• "It's not black-and-white justice. It's heart-and-soul justice. That's the difference between her and a lot of the crime shows out there. These crimes are not huge. But they are offensive. And they're disrespectful. Some of them, she has to go to the law. But some of them are small, like 'Somebody took my dog!' Or 'I think my husband is with another woman.' And she pours out justice the way she sees fit." — Jill Scott on her role in The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, which debuts Sunday on HBO. [USA Today]

• Does Daniel Craig have a tattoo on his magic stick? He told Jay Leno: "I have a couple of tattoos where you’d see them. There’s another where you wouldn’t. It’s hidden away."

Jay said, "Is it one of those where it says OK and then it says Oklahoma?" And Craig answered, "Yeah, it says 'Welcome to Oklahoma.'" [The Sun]

• Speaking of tattoos, Amy Winehouse wants to get Blake's name removed from her chest. Love is a losing game. [Mirror]
• Holy crap, what will happen if Peaches Geldof checks into the same hotel in St. Lucia where Amy Winehouse is vacationing? [The Sun]
• Boo, Amy's "friend" is leaving the Caribbean. Amy's dad will fly to St. Lucia to comfort her. Oh! Amy allegedly told one paper: "When I’m with Josh I don’t need drugs to feel good because he makes me feel so amazing. I’ve finally escaped from hell. I’m in love again. Look at me, I’m glowing! We just had sex... can’t you tell?" [The Sun, News Of The World]
• Is Blake Fielder-Civil filing for divorce? [Daily Mail]
• Was Angelina Jolie's face pumped full of Botox at the Golden Globes last night? [Gatecrasher]
• Heath Ledger's father says the whole family is thrilled that the late actor won a Golden Globe: "We are overjoyed for him. It's wonderful." [People]
• Sean Penn refused to attend the Golden Globes because Milk was snubbed. [Fox 411]
• Hmm, Angelina and Brad were supposed to open the show and somehow Jennifer Lopez was their replacement? [MSNBC Scoop]
• Uh-oh: The male nanny who was caring for Jett Travolta is a Scientologist photographer with no known childcare qualifications. [The Sun]
• This video supposedly shows a man falling off of a balcony and Pete Doherty fleeing the scene. [Daily Express]
• Prince Harry has apologized for the racist remarks he made on video 3 years ago; in the picture accompanying this story he certainly looks contrite. [USA Today]
• A Muslim leader calls Prince Harry's slur "sickening." [Daily Express]
• Lindsay Lohan says the tabloids and paparazzi create false information about her becuase they're into head games. "Head Games" happens to be a song by Foreigner, and Sam Ronson's dad Mick Jones founded that band. Get it? [People]
• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are "worming" their way into an inauguration event in DC, even though they didn't support or endorse the Obama campaign. [Page Six]
• Obama on 30 Rock?!?! [Extra]
• Madonna was spotted out with friend and photographer Steven Klein, yawn. [The Sun]
• Madonna hasn't been paying any attention to her special "friend," Alex Rodriguez, which is maybe why he took Kate Hudson out to dinner. [TMZ]
• David Beckham has started his stint playing for AC Milan: He was in the game for 89 minutes on Sunday. The AS Roma crowd booed him. [AP]
• Charlie O'Connell has flashed a picture of his new nieces, Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip, on his iPhone. Click and see! (They look like babies.) [E!]
• Lily Allen, 23, was hanging out with art dealer Jay Jopling, 45, but has split up with him because of his age. By the by, Jopling is worth £100 million. [The Sun]
• Wow: Faye Dunaway is guest-starring on Grey's Anatomy! [EW]
• Glenn Close, who has never committed to a TV series before, has signed on for 6 seasons of Damages: "Keep thinking of Angela Lansbury," she says. "I'll be doing my version of Murder, She Wrote." [CBS News]
• Blind items! #1: "Which pop star/reality-TV hostess and her husband tried to lure a hottie publicist into their Atlantic City hotel suite for a threesome? When the singer suddenly stripped naked and got into bed, the terrified flack made her excuses and fled." #2: "Which petite screen actress isn't as intelligent as her college degree would imply? She refuses to read the scripts her agents send her and then throws a fit when plum roles go to her harder-working peers." [Page Six]
• Blind item! #3: "Which TV and big-screen funnyman has a little too much porn on his phone? He’s reluctant to let his cell out of sight for fear someone will discover his cache of naked women." [Gatecrasher]
• The author of this piece about Cate Blanchett writes: "Cate is curious-looking, like an incredibly beautiful sea anemone, sloe-eyed, with straight, chic teeth. If I were going to be terribly picky, they’re a bit bloodless, perhaps." WTF. [Times of London]
• Roman Polanski has lost his bid to have his unlawful sex case dismissed in L.A. [Reuters]
• Michael Phelps is back in China, making commercials for Mazda. They're paying him more than $1 million to endorse the brand in China, which is the single largest sponsorship deal for a foreign celebrity in the country. [AP]
• Sheree Whitfield, one of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta, is showing at Fashion Week. No, really. [Page Six]
• High School Musical's Vanessa Hudgens scooped up "overflowing" bags of freebies in the Golden Globes swag suites while talking about the "huge house" she just bought. Tacky! [Gatecrasher]
• Has Sienna Miller been dropped from Ridley Scott's Robin Hood flick for her "partying lifestyle"? Her rep says she dropped out. Her love interest in the film would have been Russell Crowe, do with that what you will. [Telegraph, Mirror]
• Keeping Up With The Kardashians returns in March, and inquiring minds want to know if Reggie Bush will propose to Kim Kardashian on the show. Plus: Will Khloe's NBA boyfriend Rashad McCants appear on screen this season? [E!, UPI]
• Cutiepie Amanda Seyfriend is dating her hunky Mamma Mia costar Dominic Cooper! Lay all your love on me, for real. [Perez]
• Gossip about Jennifer Love Hewitt's "neediness" and "coming on too strong" sounds fishy. [Sun Times]
• Fantasia: Not homeless. [Perez]
• Kylie Minogue and her "Spanish hunk" are still going strong. Who cares if he's the "spitting image" of Olivier Martinez? [Mirror]
• Congrats to singer Jill Scott, who is pregnant for the first time. She spent her first trimester shooting HBO's The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency in Botswana. "That was one of the biggest challenges of my life," she claims. "First trimester! You're sick every morning. It was seven hours time difference, the heat, the bugs, the 14-hour days." Scott is engaged to a drummer named Lil' John Roberts. [UPI]
• None of his costars seem to know what will become of Balthazar Getty on Brothers & Sisters. [E!]
• Dustin Hoffman steals from hotels, tsk tsk. [The Sun]
• Jamie Oliver wants to save your bacon. He thinks that people are "ignorant" about the ways that pigs are raised: "How many people outside of the industry know the difference between outdoor-bred and outdoor-reared, for example? Not many." [Guardian]
• Absolutely Fabulous' Joanna Lumley is also concerned about the piggies. [UPI]
• Sadie Frost is too busy to date, unless you are a handsome Russian billionaire. [Mirror]
• Uber-bronzed George Hamilton loves talking about himself. "It’s my favorite subject." [NY Times]
• Boy George let a DJ named Fat Tony stay at his house while Fat Tony was awaiting trial for raping a 12-year-old boy in a public restroom. Bad idea? [The Sun]
• Singer Charlotte Church gave birth to her second child yesterday, a boy. [The Sun]
• A Tito Jackson paternity suit? And the offspring in question is 25 years old? Wanna be startin' something. [UPI]
• Have you seen Lil' Kim's uh, corny new hairdo? [The Life Files]
• "It is difficult to live up to the level of expectation that directors or other actors or the public and most of all the people you work with have. It is frightening." — Catherine Deneuve. [Mirror]
• "Those were blissful days, I must say. We couldn't even imagine a life in Hollywood back then. Hollywood was as distant and impossible as El Dorado. It was all about fun. Watching Emma was like watching the sun or wind or some other elemental force. Her talent even then was inescapable." — Hugh Laurie, who dated Emma Thompson back in the day. [Page Six]
• "I'm driving down the road, I'm having a drink. It's 4 o'clock; I'm supposed to have a drink. But one day I went, 'I don't see anybody else in their car with a plastic takeout container filled with ice and wine.'" — Alec Baldwin on his alcohol abuse epiphany. [UPI]
• "There are lots of nice things about British men. For instance, they can be very funny and very self-deprecating. In Britain, you very rarely get the sort of macho self-confidence of the Latin man who is soooo out there and sort of 'Yes! Of course! I'm lovely!' I like that about them. But, on the other hand, when it comes to emotions, they can also be... Well, let's face it, they can be just fantastically retarded, can't they? Almost to the point of lower case autism, really." —Emma Thompson. [Daily Mail]

• Russell Crowe has gone a bit mad on the set of Nottingham, throwing the film into a state of chaos. The star is demanding re-writes and reportedly trying to get director Ridley Scott fired. [PageSix]

• Yikes: Crowe's weight is also becoming a problem, leading Sienna Miller to leave the film entirely. The love scenes between the two were apparently "a mess. Russell never lost the weight he put on for 'Body of Evidence' - and so the love scenes between him and Sienna would have been laughable. He's so old and fat and she's so young and gorgeous. It's just . . . gross." [PageSix]
• Drew Barrymore isn't too thrilled about today's dating world: "When I first started dating, it was like the Pony Express. We had to be frickin' patient. And now everything is instantaneous. It's too much! Where is old-fashioned romance and a little bit of mystery?" She then went off to give her 18,982th interview entitled, "Drew In Love!" wherein she spilled all of her secrets about the 18,982th "love of her life."[PageSix]
• Meanwhile, Drew's BFF Cameron Diaz may be getting married to her boyfriend, Paul Sculfor: "Cameron and Paul are having a wonderful time and don't want to spoil it by pushing things, but they have used the m-word occasionally," says a source, "They're playing house in a serious way - both openly admit marriage scares them but they are very much in love and the subject has come up."[ShowbizSpy]
• The original Girls Next Door are no more: Bridget Marquardt is finally leaving the Playboy Mansion. ""It's unrelated to Holly and Kendra moving out," Marquardt says, "Hef and I have a really special relationship. This all has nothing to do with my feelings for Hef. I care about him very much. It's just a good time for me to become my own person."[USMagazine]
• Robert Pattinson credits James Dean with his on-screen success: "I tried copying James Dean's accent just because I've always wanted James Dean's voice,"Pattinson says, "I think that is why it has worked. Everyone loves a bit of James Dean." Or perhaps "it has worked" because there are crazy women out there who actually think you're a sparkly vampire, no? [ShowbizSpy]
• Gael Garcia Bernal is a (dreamy) dad: he and his girlfriend, Dolores Fonzi, welcomed a son this week. [USMagazine]
• Britney Spears is reportedly "spying" on her ex, Kevin Federline, and his new girlfriend, Victoria Prince. "Britney has asked her boys what Victoria is like and if she spends the night," says a source, "She has also asked her bodyguards to milk information out of Kevin's bodyguards and quizzed his nanny and friends. She's been texting people, asking what's up with him and Victoria." [ShowbizSpy]
• Singer Jill Scott is pregnant with her first child. "The first trimester I spent in Botswana," Scott says, "That was one of the biggest challenges of my life. First trimester! You're sick every morning. It was seven hours time difference, the heat, the bugs, the 14 hour days." [People]
• In awesome band news: the Fleet Foxes will be making an appearance on SNL on January 17. [Pitchfork]
• But perhaps even more awesome is the fact that Liza Minelli will be making a guest appearance on tonight's SNL, which is being hosted by Neil Patrick Harris. Madness! [Broadway World]
• Pixie Geldof will be following her sister, Peaches, in posing in her underwear for Agent Provacateur. Meanwhile, my sister will be following in my footsteps by eating Oreos and chocolate milk for breakfast. [DailyMail]
• Lindsay Lohan says her partying past gets in the way of people taking her seriously: "hat hurts me the most is that I work just as hard as any other actress around my age, like Scarlett Johansson, but I just don't get the opportunities that they get. People are so distracted by the mess that I created in my life. But that doesn't mean it's going to last forever."[TheSun]
• Seth Rogen has written an episode of the Simpsons and will be adding his voice to the episode as well: "He wrote an episode we'll be reading soon, where Comic Book Guy creates a superhero comic which then gets made into a feature film," Matt Groening says, "Homer plays the lead and, to slim down, Seth Rogen will play his personal trainer." Whatever! We all know that Homer prefers to slim down by unleashing the awesome power of apples. [E!]
• Is Wilmer Valderrama dating Pink!? [Celebuzz]
• Sandra Bullock may be signing up for Speed 3:"Producers are looking at a lot of old franchises in order to secure box office hits and Speed is just one of those," a source says, "Sandra is still a popular star and another Speed movie is there for her should she want to do it. It would be a modern twist on the old theme." Meh. Can't we just get a While You Were Sleeping 2 instead? [ShowbizSpy]
• Wacky brides have no chance against a cranky Clint Eastwood with a shotgun: Gran Torino beat Bride Wars at the box office on Friday, bringing in $9.8 million— $1.8 million more than the Hathaway/Hudson mess. Your flower power is no match for his glower power![DeadlineHollywood]
• And finally, with what is perhaps the most hilarious opening line of the year, the Associated Press tells us that "R. Kelly can officially bump and grind with whomever he chooses: He has finalized his divorce from his wife." The accompanying headline? "R.Kelly No Longer Trapped In Marriage." Tremendous![NYTimes]

• While Justin Timberlake was working with Madonna on her album, Madge offered JT a B-12 shot. "She proceeds to pull a Ziploc bag of B-12 syringes out [of her purse] and says, 'Drop 'em.' I don't know what you say to that, so I immediately dropped my pants," Justin says. "She gave me a shot in my ass and looks at me and says, 'Nice top shelf.' That was one of the greatest days of my life." [People]
  
• Last night, Madonna was been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Music. Makes the people. Come together. Music makes the bourgeoisie and the rebel. [Mirror]
  
• A source calls Lindsay Lohan's new friends "leeches." Maybe LL is used to that? CoughmommyDinacoughcough? [Page Six]
  
• Dina Lohan on her show, Living Lohan, which begins shooting on the 16th and will air around Memorial Day on E!: "Be nice to us." [Gatecrasher]
  
• "I may be Eccentric, i certainly speak my mind and am slow to put out a record i need to mean the world to ME, and im sure i am quite Nuerotic [sic] but 'Bi Polar'. Thats just slander." — Courtney Love. [Rush & Molloy]
  
• Yeah, yeah, we know. Patricia Heaton has no belly button. [TMZ]

• On her MySpace page, Brooke Hogan speaks out against her friend who had a fling with her father, Hulk Hogan: "I think she shoulda thought about what kinda press she was gonna get when she slept with her best friend's famous father . . . I think we're all seeing just exactly how karma works Christiane. Nothing you say will ever put my family back together." [Page Six]
• Superbad star Jonah Hill: Smokes his weed out of an apple bong. Just like Charlize! [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which 8-year-old son of a daytime TV personality told gossip reporters on the red carpet that he had recently come down from bed to find his famous mom drinking margaritas on the terrace? 'She told me she was going to do the dishes, but she lied to me!' the tyke complained earnestly." [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which clean-cut pop star is a jerk behind closed doors? When a top model accidentally sat on his jacket at a recording studio, the warbler sprinted over and demanded she move immediately." [Rush & Molloy]
• Britney's lawyers are trying to get Kevin Federline to pay his own legal bills; K-Fed pleads poverty — despite recently tipping a waitress $2000 on a $365 bill. Being a bad-ass baby daddy is expensive! [Rush & Molloy]
• Meanwhile, Britney may get some financial independence back: A judge ruled that Dad Jamie can give her a debit card that has a $1500 per week limit on it. [TMZ]
• American Idol alum Sanjaya appeared at a Bat Mitzvah on Long Island and sang two songs — for free. Oy. [TMZ]
• Jessica Simpson does not have her pricey hairdresser with her in Kuwait; she flew a commercial airline and not a private jet, and she is staying in the barracks. "She has significantly scaled back her entourage," he rep says. Just so you know. [People]
• Project Runway winner Christian Siriano says the Saturday Night Live skit in which Amy Poehler does an impression of him was "SO FUNNY. The hair was absolutely perfect. I don't think I could have done it better myself. It was fierce!" [People]
• Mark Ronson will notbe DJing Suri Cruise's second birthday party. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." [ONTD]
• Aww! Emma Watson, aka Hermione Granger, has a new boyfriend. "We've only been going out together for three weeks, but it's brilliant at the moment." [Mirror]
• Uh, this paper claims Jennifer Aniston has dumped her man, Brian Bouma, a crew member on a film she was working on. Did you even know they were seeing each other? Wasn't she with Jason Lewis? [Mirror]
• James McAvoy says Angelina Jolie was rough with him in their new film, Wanted: "She kicked seven colors of poo out of me but, thankfully, I'm still in one piece." [Mirror]
• "Cheeky" photographs of Gisele Bundchen and Kate Moss are being auctioned off. And by cheeky we mean naked. [The Sun]
• HBO has ordered 13 episodes of The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, a show based on the best-selling books. Singer Jill Scott stars! [Concrete Loop]
• Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch is in ruins. The Ferris wheel has rusted, the mansion has broken windows and the paint is peeling. The perfect set for a horror film! [The Sun]
• Rosie O'Donnell and Kathy Griffin made a video where they talk about Barbara Walters, lube, Helen Mirren, etc. [Perez Hilton]
• Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis is free. He's out of a Nevada jail and headed to Florida, where he'll face charges related to filming underaged girls. [USA Today]
• Janet Jackson is co-writing a book about her journey as an "emotional eater." Um, yay? [Reuters]
• Tori Spelling has a book, too! It's called Stori Telling, of course. She talks about her nose job, boob job, a passionless marriage and trouble with her mother. Also: When her dad died, she only got $800,000 of his estimated $500 million fortune. [USA Today]
• Van Halen continues to postpone shows as Eddie Van Halen continues to undergo tests for an undislosed medical condition. [Reuters]
• Gene Simmons: Bald. [Seriously OMG WTF]

• Anna Wintour on being called a "puppet" by French Vogue editor-in-chief Carine Roitfeld in New York Magazine: "Maybe you should ask Carine. I have no comment." [Frillr]
  
• But you should ask her about it if you happen to be at Oxford University today, where La Wintour will be speaking about her "media career and extensive charity work." If you are there please email us with details from her chat! [Vogue UK]
  
• "Ashley was surprised. The women were really chic. A lot of them had such great style. And we didn't expect there to be so many women like that." That's Rae Miles, commercial director of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's clothing line, The Row, about her and Ashley's visit to Dallas to promote the line. Because clearly no one outside L.A. or New York knows how to dress themselves! [WWD, sub req'd]

• Krazy Karl Kwote OTD: "I live in my own little world, sketching and drawing. I'm told what to do every day. I didn't even know where this [party] was till I came here." [WWD, 2nd item]
• Vivienne Westwood has chosen model Ajuma Nasenyana to front her Spring 2008 ad campaign. Nasenyana is not just a tall beauty, she's also (OMG) not white! [Sassybella]
• And in other brilliant Vivienne Westwood news, she invited a bunch of seven-year-olds to "collaborate" with her on her fall/winter 2008 collection. [Yahoo]
• Jill Scott (yes, the Grammy award-winning singer): Now making bras. [Reuters]
• "I think [John] Galliano is the best designer in the world. After that, there's Anna Molinari," says, um, designer Anna Molinari. [WWD, 1st item]
• Who knew? Agnes B. is one of the foremost funders of cutting edge global warming research. [Yahoo]
• Tomorrow the exhibit marking a collaboration between Chanel and award-winning architect Zaha Hadid opens in Hong Kong before continuing to tour for another two years across the globe. [IHT]
• For their one-year anniversary in London, Abercrombie & Fitch is celebrating with, well, pictures of nakeds. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Daughter of Ralph/candy scion Dylan Lauren writes to her seventh grade self: "Dear Dill Pickle, Am I fat? Would he like me better if I were thinner?" Um, yeah. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Banana Republic cares about the environment! Or, um, a little about the environment. In honor of Earth Week, one percent of in-store sales up to $100,000 will be donated to the Trust for Public Land. Wow: Way to go whole-hog with your philanthropy, folks. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Bobbi Brown: Embracing inner Miley Cyrus with glitter lip glosses. [BellaSugar]
• Robert Lee Morris: Doing a jewelry line inspired by Andy Warhol's drawings. [Sassybella]
• Model Erin Wasson: Doing a jewelry line that seems to be inappropriately overpriced. [Sassybella]

• After driving to the courthouse for her custody hearing yesterday and arriving extremely late, Britney ended up not going inside. [TMZ]
  
• As Britney left the courthouse, she said, "I'm scared." Then she made a brief stop inside the Little Brown Church in Studio City. "She wasn't even there for long, just in and out," says assistant pastor Michael Kosik. And even though Brit was wearing white she "did not try to get married." Well thank God. "I think she just needed to get away," the pastor adds. Later she had lunch. [People]
  
• The commissioner on Brit's case has ruled that Britney will not have visitation rights restored — at least until the next hearing on February 19. Of course, it would help if she made it inside the courtroom. [TMZ]
  
• Joel Madden says Harlow Winter Kate Madden "looks so much like her mom (Nicole Richie) it's crazy!" He adds, "I suck when it comes to diapers, but I'm learning." [PageSix.com]

• Dennis Quaid gave an exclusive interview to the Los Angeles Times, saying that he and his wife watched in terror after their twins were given 1,000 times the recommended dose of the blood thinner heparin. Long, terrifying story, with details like, "At one point, as a bandage was being changed, blood spurted from the area around Thomas' clipped umbilical cord and hit a wall about 5 feet away, Quaid, 53, remembered." [LA Times]
• ABC execs are upset that Katie Holmes appeared on Good Morning America and Diane Sawyer only asked questions and about her hair and clothes — nothing about the new Andrew Morton book; nothing about Suri being the spawn of L. Ron Hubbard, boo. [Page Six]
• Grammy-winning singer Jill Scott liked the look of a male model on a photo shoot; later she was seen having dinner with him. Hot! [Page Six]
• Chloe Sevigny on her TV dad Harry Dean Stanton: "He never recognizes me. But, whatever, he's 86 years old. And he still likes to party... I think he comes to the set sometimes straight from the party." [Page Six]
• Did Jessica Simpson's father tip off the photographers to Jess and Tony Romo's location in Mexico — and get a cut of the profits? [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which acting legend in a current release once offered a national beauty queen a vial of cocaine during a daytime golf round? While the lady declined, he seemed not to realize his coke had been clogged with moisture and sticky globs fell out of his schnoz the rest of the afternoon." [Gatecrasher]
• Another reason to love Johnny Depp: He visited Great Ormond Street Hospital (where his daughter was treated when her kidneys failed after E. coli poisoning) and donated £1million. [Mirror]
• In case you missed it the first time, MSNBC is reporting last week's midweek madness news: That Jamie Lynn Spears has been dumped by her baby-daddy, Casey Aldridge. Yawn. [MSNBC]
• Um, they're also reporting that the National Enquirer says Reese Witherspoon has accepted Jake Gyllenhaal's marriage proposal. Yeah... No. Not likely. [MSNBC]
• The upcoming season of American Idol means that people are betting on how many assistants Paula Abdul will go through. "Some people would last weeks, others just days," says a source. [MSNBC]
• Hilary Duff denies that she was lip-synching at a concert in Mexico, despite footage of her moving her lips but no sounds coming out. "It was faulty equipment," her peeps claim. [People]
• Eva Longoria's unsolicited update on her womb: "I'm not pregnant." Thanks for the info. [People]
• Singer Annie Lennox has been dropped by her record label. "They totally ignored me. It was bizarre, a kick in the teeth," she says. "They didn't even pick up phone calls or emails for three weeks." Now the song "Why" is stuck in our head. This is the book I never read, these are the words I never said! This is he path I'll never tread, these are the dreams I'll dream instead... [Mirror]
• Do these pictures of Mark Ronson on his way to Amy Winehouse's flat show him carrying a packet of cocaine? [This Is London]
• Michael Stipe got himself out of jury duty in Athens, GA. Lucky duck. [AP]

I'm gonna put on that designer gown and I'm gonna put on that bra and panties and cover up the cellulite on my bootie and push my way through that door... My hope is that the little girls watching tonight will know that I have now opened a lot of those doors and hopefully it's easier for you, that we worked hard enough. My ultimate dream is that one day...our dreams can be realized faster and without any of the struggle because of the color of our skin.

The Good:

Don't get me wrong, I always loved Steve Brady. But I really, really loved Blair Underwood's Dr. Robert on Sex and the City. Blair Underwood always makes me swoon. See above. Swoon.

Vivica A. Fox reigns in blue, turning a look that could come across as a little pageant into total sophistication. Girl's still got it.

Paging Cleopatra! Alicia Keys is a total girl crush, and in this red gown she is breathtaking, a queen for all seasons.


The Bad:

Oh, Ne-Yo. Try not to wear a shiny jacket ever again. Also, a knit cap at a formal event is a big no-no in our book.

Is it just me, or does Janice Bryant's dress make her look like she has some weird skin disease that's slowly eating her alive?

As I said, I'm really worried about Dr. West.


The Ugly:

Why, Jill, why?!

Stevie Wonder, no excuses just 'cause you can't see. Your wife is a fashion designer. And a good fashion designer at that.

Gladys Knight has always been one of my heroes. And now she has an even bigger audience after this week's episode of 30 Rock. So why the hell is she wearing a big black trash bag to an awards show?! Get on that midnight train to Georgia and buy yourself a suitable gown, stat.

A Night Out: BET Honors Awards [Washingtonian]

The New York Times forgot the TYLER PERRY in Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? and had to issue a correction last week. (Not surprising. This is the same paper that referred to that little Oscar-winning ditty as "It's Hard Out THERE for a pimp." It's hard out HERE, Schulzberger. Not that you would know from your soon-to-be-tree-lined lobby.) Perry's new self-titled flick features four married couples who take a yearly trip to the mountains to answer the age-old question of why anyone would trade in random sex and complete independence for sex with one person and a mother-in-law. The film deals with many weighty issues (venereal disease! workaholics!), there's a whole lotta asking Jesus for help, love-will-carry-us-thru, blah blah blah, and a hilarious roun-table scene where everyone learns his/her shit stinks.

But really, if you haven't been there, you are probably wondering, "Just How Hard Is It Out Here For A Spouse?" I mean, chances are the marriages you have experienced most closely, your parents', are either long since over (mine) or blissful as a result of circumstances that could just no way in hell recreate themselves in the modern era. (Moe's.) In most marriages these days, that thing happens where your best friend is your husband, and all your other best friends are either single and they don't really get it, or in LTR/marriages wherein they confide everything to their significant other so you can't really be honest with them anyway, which makes for this weird honesty vacuum that is strange. Whereas when you were single every one of your friends' boy problems was an exact replica of some boy problems you'd had with some other boy a few boys back, suddenly you're like, on your own. Together! Which is why, IMHO, this movie has done so well. And since I did that whole pick-out-a-china-pattern, open-presents-at-not-so-surprise-shower only to-act-absolutely-shocked-to-then-see-said -china-pattern-on-the-very-plate-I-registered-for, I thought I could shed some light on the major themes in Perry's film. (Except Janet Jackson's cheekbones. I don't know what the hell happened there.)

Do people who are married really fuck around that much?
There's a lot of adultery going on in the TPWDIGM. Perry introduces the 80/20 rule whereby you get 80% of what you need from your partner and 20% elsewhere. People will make the mistake of going after the 20%, only to lose the 80% in the process (a la Chris Rock's 'Commitment versus New Pussy'). This sound about right. All married people do is think about sex. Are we having enough sex? I mean, it seems good for now, but what if it just stops? What if that kinda lazy missionary sex we had this morning turns out to be the last sex I have for the next month? Think that couple over there is having more sex than us? Is our sex good enough? Should we be having sex upside down in the conservatory with the candlestick? Ooooh, candlesticks, isn't that something a Republican congressman did once? Or was that Richard Gere... Forget it. At least 80% good sex is VD-free.

At the very least, can marriage calm down one's body issues?
Just because Jill Scott loses the fat suit in the film doesn't mean women all of a sudden get married and feel great about their thighs. In fact, some of us have more body issues than ever since we couldn't maintain the lettuce-and-ice-cubes diet we survived on for 8 months before the wedding. Typical conversation:

Me: I'm as fat as a purdue chicken.

Him: Purdue chickens are actually quite lean.

Me: Fine, I'm as fat as a purdue chicken on an HD-TV. You know, honey, like ours! Because all we ever do is sit and watch television anymore and maybe that's why my ASS GREW ITS OWN ASS?

On Babies...
Diane doesn't want any more kids. Terry does. You didn't even lick the stamps yet on the thank-you-notes and everyone is asking when you are going to poop out a kid. When are you having a baby? is second only to How's married life? as the most annoying question EVER. Then, when your friends actually start having kids on purpose—as opposed to those people from high school who call their rug rat a "blessing"—they have to gall to suggest you get on the baby-making wagon. Like everyone's doing it. Like it's so easy and fun. You lose your drinking buddies to women who only want to talk about their uteruses (uteri?).

Money.
Angela is all upset that she's the breadwinner and Marcus just works for her. Well duh: in marriage, one person is going to make more dough. But while divorce is the great destroyer of wealth, marriage will at least let you live in an apartment without thirteen roommates. There will be the traditional merging of bank accounts - though it may go something like this:

Him: When are you going to get your check direct deposited into our new joint account?

Me: I did already.

Him: Oh. Seriously?

Me: Yes!

Him: That's really how much you make?

Me: Welcome to the rest of your life!

At this point, you might also want to bring up getting life insurance...