Jezebel: jesus christ

"How Do I Explain That My Coworker's A Raving Lunatic?"

Sadie — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:00:00 EST

Oh dear. There's a very troubling letter in today's Financial Times by a distraught citizen with a dodgy coworker. Really, there was nothing to do but get the opinions of a bunch of dead people, without delay.

My colleagues and I are convinced that one of our co-workers is insane. The details are bizarre and too numerous to go through, but as an example, when collecting clothes for needy children we found that this worker, who admitted to never having been in a relationship, mentioned that he had a basement full of toddler clothing. When I told him about an encounter with a pushy beggar, he said: "You should have sliced his hand off with my knife." I have this fear that something bizarre will happen and then when the police ask: "Were there any signs?" we'd answer: "Sure, tons of them." Yet what were we going to do? Go to human resources and tell them he's crazy?

Dorothy Parker: Sticks and stones are mighty harsh/But beat your body in a marsh.

Soapy Smith: "Collecting clothes for needy children?" I know that game.

Lizzie Borden: Don't you travel with your own weapons?

Michel Foucault: Maybe you're insane.

Marie Antoinette: What are these "coworkers" of which you speak?

Jesus Christ: Y'know, you should really be more careful how you treat beggars. That's all I'll say. Verily.

Sigmund Freud: And who are you, Freud?

Jeffrey Dahmer: In his defense, there are much worse things you could have in your basement.

Robert Frost: Good fences make good neighbors.

Oscar Wilde: At least madness would be amusing; this is tedious.

Henry Darger: What? Some of us really like toddlers. And sometimes the state won't let us adopt, okay?

Baby Jane Hudson: Exactly! How else are you supposed to do musical numbers?

Jack the Ripper: Hand? Then they can identify you! That's why the lord made "disemboweling."

Franz Kafka: You say "something bizarre" like that's a bad thing.

Jane Austen: One may live a very full life without a "relationship," Sir.

Jack Kerouac: Fuck offices.

DearLucy [Financial Times]

What Do People's Online "Personas" Say About Them?

Margaret — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 15:20:00 EDT

Personas, part of the Metropath(ologies) art installation on display at the MIT Museum, generates a visualization of a person's online identity. We entered a few famous names to see if the internet knows something about them that we don't.

The program scours the internet for information about the person and then fits them into a set of categories using an algorithmic process. Obviously from the results below, the process isn't perfect, but that's part of the point. The creators explain:

It is meant for the viewer to reflect on our current and future world, where digital histories are as important if not more important than oral histories, and computational methods of condensing our digital traces are opaque and socially ignorant.

In other words, it may be telling that one of Nadya Suleman's biggest categories is "fame," but "sports" winding up on Anna Wintour's profile probably means the computer misinterpreted combative phrases in articles about her.

You can check out what Personas reveals about your favorite (or unfavorite) people here. Feel free to share the results in the comments.

Click on the images below to make them larger:

Personas [MIT]

Friendly Skies

Sadie — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 15:30:00 EDT

Here's a first look, via People, of the poster for the new biopic of Amelia Earhart. Don't know about you, but Lady Lindy's Christ-like water-walk is kind of freaking us out. [People]

This Year, Does Christmas Seem Like A Waste Of Money?

Dodai — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 13:30:00 EST

The economy may be in the crapper, but Christmas is not cancelled. And maybe celebrating with lights, ornaments and food in the middle of winter is actually a good thing. Or at least, that's what the people at Bronner's want you to think. The New York Times sent style reporter Guy Trebay to the Bronner's "CHRISTmas" Wonderland in Frankenmuth, Michigan, where he got lost amongst the "the John Deere tree skirts, the reindeer-pattern Kringle Kozies slipper socks and the miniature Mexican Nativity in a nutshell."

Trebay asked himself: "Was that Santa ornament really wearing camouflage, with a shotgun held to his torso and a dead mallard slung from his belt?" Of course he was! The ornaments may bring joy and color to the lives of shoppers, but the folks at Bronner's know that the tacky holiday crap they shill is, in fact, totally useless. "There is not a thing out there that anybody needs," Wayne Bronner, the president of Bronner’s, tells Trebay. But:

Not much on the sales floor at Bronner’s costs more than $10, [Bronner] said. "Even in times of economic turmoil, there comes a moment every fall when people look at the calendar and see that Christmas is still coming and it’s still on Dec. 25," added the company president, who that day had chosen from among his collection of novelty neckties one patterned with Christmas bulbs. "The $10 ornament that’s the perfect gift for Grandpa or Uncle Rob is not going to make or break anybody’s budget," he said.

And yet. The cold, hard truth is: You don't need this stuff. Trebay writes about the "150 different styles of nutcrackers; ornaments that said 'Merry Christmas' in 70 languages; display cases filled with ranks of sinister Hummel kiddies; 1,700 Precious Moments cherubs with woeful teardrop eyes; 500 Nativity sets from 70 nations; and Christmas balls in 6,000 styles" and it seems unjustifiably lavish. Christ himself didn't have a Christmas tree, and didn't he live in poverty? At a time of lay-offs, a weak U.S. dollar and general malaise, does spending hard-earned cash on sparkly do-dads make sense? Can a person — on a budget or with cash to burn — justify a glittery Elvis or Bigfoot ornament when the country is in financial crisis?

Excuse Me, Where’s Thanksgiving? [NY Times]

Earlier: 9 Really Weird Christmas Ornaments From Bronner's
9 More Weird Christmas Ornaments From Bronner's

How Exactly, Is Virginity A Concept?

Dodai — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 12:30:00 EST

Victoria Watts is 23, a single mother of two and a "renewed virgin." She had sex for the first time when she was 16, but always felt guilty about bumpin' uglies outside of marriage. She says the first time you have sex with a husband is "one of the greatest fulfillments" in a woman's life. "My [future] husband deserves a whole person." Jesus Christ. Literally! Watts is the granddaughter of a pastor and the daughter of an assistant pastor. (So it's through prayer that she's a virgin again.) Writes Brian Alexander: "But is it really possible to reclaim your virginity? If it is, what does it mean to be a virgin in the first place? And what does it mean to 'lose' one's virginity?" Good questions! If it's lost, can it be found? Leave it to the Pregnancy Resource Center of Northeast Ohio (where Watts now works) to sum up what it means to have sex before marriage: Its website asks, "Have you already unwrapped the priceless gift of virginity and given it away?" (Uh, yes. Tore off the paper and ribbons and played with it 'til it just about broke, just like kids do on Christmas morning!)

Continues the site:

Do you now feel like 'second-hand goods' and no longer worthy to be cherished? Do you ever wish you could re-wrap it and give it only to your future husband or wife? Guess what? You can decide today to commit to abstinence, wrapping a brand-new gift of virginity to present to your husband or wife on your wedding night.

They're pitching the idea of virginity as a concept. Laura M. Carpenter, a writer and an assistant professor of sociology at Vanderbilt University says, "In America... You can remake yourself. That has been deeply ingrained in the culture for a long time. So why not virginity?" Victoria Watts is a "spiritual virgin," but some women opt for surgical revirginization — in which the remnants of the hymen are "repaired." Dr. Denise Baker, who performs 100 of the procedures a year, says, "One patient of mine gave it to her husband as an anniversary gift." Why is an intact vagina a "present"? Is sex only meaningful when dudes get all Star Trek and boldly go where no man has gone before? Does Jesus give a shit about your hymen?

Born-Again Virgins Claim To Rewrite The Past [MSNBC]

An Alternative To Bratz? Jesus Christ!

Dodai — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 16:59:38 EDT

We all sort of agree that Bratz dolls are a wee bit skanky. Guess what? There's an antidote to the fishnet-wearin', pouty-puckered little wenches, thank the Lord. No, really. Thank Him! Because instead of playing with mini-skirted, ethnically ambiguous baby bimbos, kids can play with a chick who got pregnant but swears she never had sex. Her name's Mary! CNN reports that Wal-Mart is testing bible action figures. Because some of the toys they make today? Holy crap!

'If you're very religious, it's a battle for your children's minds and what they're playing with and pretending. There are remakes out there of Satan and evil things.'

So says David Socha, the CEO of toy company One2believe. So, in certain markets, customers will be able to choose from fun stuff like a tiny version of the aforementioned famously knocked-up girl with her baby and baby daddy; a 12-inch talking Jesus and a muscular 13-inch Samson. It would be super cool if you could cut Samson's hair, but lo, it's made of plastic. Damn.
Wal-Mart To Test Bible Action Figures in 425 Stores [CNNMoney]
Earlier: The Unsluttification of Bratz