Jezebel: jessicas

Pretty Bitches? Some Jessicas Are Also Fat, Hungry Hippos

Tracie — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 16:00:42 EDT

Not all Jessicas are pretty bitches, as we previously stated—some can be big, fat sweeties. Meet Jessica, the world's only domesticated hippo. She washed ashore near a couple's South African home when she was only one day old and has lived with them for the past seven years as part of the family. Watch her do cute stuff like drink coffee, open doors, hang out in the kitchen with her "mom" and sleep under a pink blanket, snuggled up with her friend (one of the family dogs) at night.

Jessica the Hippo [YouTube]

Lindsay Lohan: Another Day, Another Photo Scandal

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 09:02:56 EDT

Girl gets around! Lindsay Lohan has been photographed doing coke, throwing up, playing with knives and passed out in a car. Next up: Nudie pics! [PageSix]
Oh, and by the way, Lindsay has completed rehab! Congrats, Lindsay: Vegas was the perfect place for you to go to celebrate! [People]
DJ AM and model Jessica Stam: Dunzo! [PageSix]
You can take Matthew McConaughey out of the trailer, but can you take the trailer out of Matthew McConaughey? Time will tell. [Gatecrasher, 3rd item]
Jessica Alba is moving to New York City, partly for the shopping. Ugh: Just like a Jessica! [Gatecrasher, 4th item]

Didn't you love those steamy pictures of Posh & Becks in W? So did they! Victoria says David likes the one where she's "writhing" on the hood of a car, so, naturally, she's going to have it enlarged. [Daily Mirror]
Benicio del Toro threw Esquire's logo into the L.A. river. Also: He's a sexy badass. [NYT]
Ashley Olsen didn't know what the show Weeds was, probably because she's the Olsen twin who does coke, not pot. [EntertainmentTonight]
Justin Timberlake is opening a restaurant called Southern Hospitality on New York's Upper East Side. There is a joke about "bringing biscuits back" in there somewhere, but this is probably best left alone. [TMZ.com]

Just Like A 'Jessica'! Jessica Biel Loves Her Some Pretty Bitches

Anna — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 11:06:56 EDT

[Brentwood, Calif. June 3. Image via x17]

Earlier: Jessicas Are All Pretty Bitches

It's Official: Jessicas — From Alba To Z — Suck

Anna — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 17:59:53 EDT

Last week, we ignited a small (although less than we thought!) firestorm with a certain post about the pros and cons (mostly cons!) of women named Jessica. (Most people agreed! Yay!) We also asked you to weigh in about the whole "what does a name say about a person" business, and we're happy to say that, today, the eve of Independence Day, we have some answers about the business that is branding babies in America. The short summary: Everyone agrees that any male named Chris is to be avoided at all costs. Except for one woman named uh, Jessica, who says she's living with one. Women named "Maggie" and "Molly" suffer from the sad reality of sharing their names with beloved family dogs (often golden retrievers). Michelles: "Festering cunts". Ambers, Tammy/is, Brandys, Lisa are sluts in high school, baby factories afterwards. This is just a sample, kids. Want the long version? Check out some of the best comments after the jump.

In high school I was part of a group called the Getting Over Boys Named Matt Society. We had a website and everything. Though that has more to do with how common that name is—any woman born in the early eighties has some Matt story.

My one Jessica experience was in high school. Total popular, phony cheerleader. Nice to your face; raging bitch behind your back. I kind of enjoyed when she got dumped by her football playing boyfriend, the day after he swiped her card (at prom) and then proceeded to date her supposed BFF a week later. Bad boys names = Matt and David. Yet I couldn't stay away from guys with those names.

My cousin is a Jessica who disguised herself on her 12th birthday by asking everyone to call her by her middle name Elizabeth.Now she's just a pretty fucking cunt in a thin disguise.

Finally, a post I feel compelled to respond to because I've been screwed by multiple dudes named Jonathan...who sent me "holy crap!" (yes, not just crap, but HOLY crap) emails. Chris-es are players with sexual orientation ("Am I gay? Am I straight? Regardless, let's cease to date) issues.

Shit this is so true. One Chris I know is a total cheating man slut and the other one is really into white trash drugs and hurting girls. What the fuck is up with people who were naming their kids Chris in the early 80s. Though I kind of like Jessica's for being pretty and bitchy. What better way to deal with a Chris then to sick a Jessica on 'em.

Ur, doesn't Jessica sound eerily similar to Jezebel? I'm thinking of a two-faced Jessica, who goes by Jess or Jez.

I've only really known one Jessica in my life, and that was in preschool. I didn't want to go on the slide with her, so she BIT ME IN THE ARM.

As a blonde, hot, bitchy Jessica, I have to say: it's all true. And we know you're all jealous.

Earlier: Jessicas Are All Pretty Bitches Related: Yet Another Reason To Hate Jessica Alba [PerezHilton]