The Good:
Um, didn't Jessica Alba have a baby about two seconds ago? Hollywood is messed up. But this gown is indeed lovely.
Actress Anjelah N. Johnson's turquoise sheath is Grecian done right.
America Ferrera's black and white is fun and flirty and a nice break from all the Mount Olympus stuff on the red carpet.
And...Selena Gomez takes us BACK to ancient Greece. It's also not lost on us that Disney's latest It Girl is in virginal white. But she does look lovely.
Dania Ramirez's posturing is a bit distracting, but you can still tell that she looks like a classic bombshell.
Actress Roselynn Sanchez looks fresh and cute in a puffball.



The Bad:
Q'orianka Kilcher's "Frida Goes to Studio 54" ensemble is confusing, ill-judged.
Eva Longoria-Parker's dress is bad on its own terms, but the helmet hair is the final nail in the coffin.
Singer Lucero's dramatic gown would be awesome if this were the Ziegfeld Follies circa 1918.
Note to world: This D&G dress is ugly. Please stop wearing it. Yes, Maria Canals-Barrera, we're looking at you.
Carly Enriquez goes for waay too much pouf and ruffle on a small frame.
Actress Natalie Pena is sporting one of the ugliest prints ever seen.
And if painted-on satin is your poison, here's Scarlet Ortiz
...and Myra
...and Cheryl Burke!


The Ugly:
Actress Christina deRosa pretty much stomped away with this category.

[Images via Getty]

[Los Angeles, July 30. Image via x17]

[Los Angeles, July 26. Image via x17]

[Los Angeles, July 20. Image via x17]

• Nicole Richie's 2005 novel, The Truth About Diamonds, is being made into a TV series! And Nicole is gonna be on the program. "I would definitely produce and definitely be in the show," Nicole says. She adds: "I don't know if I need to be the star of this show." Haha, so humble. She was pretty funny on The Simple Life, to be honest. Not that we watched… [E!, Yahoo News]
• Jessica Alba's baby, Honor Warren, is the latest celebrity infant to land a cover deal with OK! magazine. Jess and hubby Cash raked in $1.5 million for pictures of the baby now — and one other "event" like Christmas, Thanksgiving or a vacation. Hopefully the dough is going into a college fund or something and not being spent on shoes. [TMZ]
• Looks like Alicia Keys will sing the theme for the new Bond film. Guess Amy Winehouse never finished her track, despite having Mark Ronson helping her. [E!]
• Amy Winehouse participated in a DJ battle at a pub near her house in North London… And lost. [Reuters]
• At the DJ battle, Amy Winehouse was seen with a "white substance" up her nose. [The Sun]

• Details are being leaked to drum up publicity for the book Madonna's brother wrote, but probably nothing will shock you: Warren Beatty was so suspicious of Madge that he went through her trash; when deciding to get pregnant, Madonna considered Dennis Rodman and Melrose Place's John Enos before settling on Carlos Leon, whom she met in central park, even though she wasn't sure he fulfilled the intelligence requirement. Intriguing, but enough to buy the book? (And what kind of brother sells out his effing sister this way?) [Page Six]
• Britney Spears shot her video segment that will play on a backdrop on Madonna's Sticky & Sweet tour. Apparently you see a person wearing a black hoodie who gets stuck on an elevator. When this person realizes she's trapped and can't get out, she starts to kick the walls and hit things. She screams into the camera. Then she takes off the hood, revealing long blonde locks, looks into the camera and says, "It's Britney, bitch." El oh el. [ET]
• Is Cynthia Rodriguez going to release "copies" of the text messages husband Alex sent to Madonna? (How do you have copies of text messages?) [The Sun]
• Roger Friedman says Cynthia "risked her life for A-Rod" by flying in her ninth month of pregnancy to be y his side back in April. [Fox News]
• A source says new mama Jamie Lynn Spears "only has Diet Coke in the house. How redneck is that?" Also! She will marry baby daddy Casey Aldridge on the twelfth of never, because her mom doesn't like him and doesn't want him near JLS's money. [Page Six]
• That story about David Lee Roth almost dying from his nut allergy turns out to be totally not true. He's still sorta nuts, though. [TMZ]
• John Stamos performed with the Beach Boys and there are cute pictures of Uncle Jesse rockin' out. [ONTD]
• Kirsten Dunst and Megan Fox are in How To Lose Friends And Alienate People, and some think Megan's going to upstage Kirsten. Anyway, click here for big pix. [ONTD]
• Ashley Olsen and boyfriend Justin Bartha are in love and vacationing in Greece and you're not. [MSNBC]
• Sources say Russell Simmons was "very controlling" with ex-girlfriend Porschia Coleman and that she was not getting along with his kids. But! Coleman claims, "Russell is my best friend. It was a mutual decision [to break up]. We just decided to be friends, and we're both very happy." [Rush & Molloy]
• Carla Bruni is "hurt" by critics of her new album. But she has a fairly good attitude: "Some might say people are only listening to me because of my husband. But they are still listening. I am incredibly lucky to have people listening to me, whatever the reason." [Yahoo News]
• Mark your calendars for October 2009: The Jackie Chan museum opens in Shanghai. [Yahoo News]
• Pamela Anderson may be unemployed, but she's got kids to feed! Maybe that's why she charges $150,000 for a one hour meet and greet (which includes first class travel and hotel). And she got around $250,000 to appear for two days on Australia's Big Brother. [Mirror]
• Two-time Oscar nominee Judy Davis has won a defamation suit against the publisher of The Daily Telegraph newspaper, which printed a series of articles implying she was selfish and unreasonable in her opposition to the erection of floodlights at a park near her Sydney waterfront home. [News.com.au]
• Sex And The City 2: It could happen. Sigh. [NY Times]
• More Heath Ledger Oscar buzz. [Reuters]
• Kate Hudson's men Chris Robinson and Lance Armstrong: Getting along, the way an ex-husband and new boyfriend rarely do! Chris and Lance took the kids to tennis camp and stood together, watching the kids "like good buddies." When Kate's son Ryder hit a forehand, "they both cheered." [ONTD]
• What's this? Lyle Lovett has "never made a dime" from album sales during his 20 year career. The record industry is weird. [Reuters]
• Perfect your deadpan: Curb Your Enthusiasm will be back for a seventh season! [Reuters]
• Whee! Margaret Cho was deputized by the city of San Francisco to perform gay marriages there! "I'm very happy to preside over all the ceremonies that I can," she says. And what does she wear when officiating? "I'm all about the suits—supersnug ones. And then, you know, little pearl earrings for a little bit of class." [E!]
• "It really is the gift that keeps on giving. It's been a surprise to live in a character this long and still be enjoying it. It was something I was never looking for and it was something I never expected. That's why I think of it as a gift because I didn't know it was coming. The fact I get consistently nominated for stuff is fun and a real honor for me. That feels really good to go up there with people who are considered the very best at what they do and that feels really good and supportive for work that I would love to do and would do anyway." — Kyra Sedgwick on The Closer. [Reuters]
• Angelina Jolie is "fed up" with being on bed rest and can't wait for the twins to be born. We can't wait either! [Daily Mail]
• "My advice to [Angelina Jolie] is to put some weight on. I think she needs to keep putting on weight so she can feed those babies. I don’t think she should think twice. She hasn’t put on enough weight." — Jane Seymour. If you read Midweek Madness, you know that Angie's been watching Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman while in the hospital. [MSNBC]

[Los Angeles, June 30. Image via x17]

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way
The Crime : ageism; reducing a woman to her overly-sexualized body parts.
The Evidence: "If you have just eaten or you if you don't have enough free time on your calendar to projectile vomit for the next two weeks, be warned, you might want to skip this nip slip and upskirt look into hell brought to you by Shauna Sand. She used to be married to Lorenzo Lamas and was Playboy's Playmate of the Month for May 1996, but as you can see, a lot can happen in 12 years. Namely, turning Shauna Sand into a dayshift stripper with a pussy that looks like a badly packed suitcase. And please, I can't even talk about her tits. Maybe later. I've been sitting here for about 10 minutes now waiting for them to finish transforming into whatever they're in the middle of changing into. I'm hoping it's a hot rod or a rocket ship. You know, or something cool like that." You know, demeaning her sexual organs just makes you sound like an ignorant fool.
The Punishment: A large dose of ipecac, so that "projectile vomit" IDLYITW is predicting can happen right on schedule!

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Ickily sexualizing breast-feeding
The Evidence: That's great, miracle of life and all that, but what I really want to know is when Jessica Alba is going to look like she does in these bikini pictures here? I have a sinking feeling the answer may be never. On the flip side, can you imagine how lucky that kid is, getting to be that close to Jessica Alba's breasts everyday? You know Cash Warren is getting anywhere near them for a long time." It is not Jessica Alba's raison d'etre to look hot in a bikini.
The Punishment: Six months on Honor Alba Warren diaper duty.

The Accused : Yeeeah
The Crime:: comparing a woman's vagina to toxic waste
The Evidence:"Of course she’s not pregnant. No sperm could survive in that kind of hostile environment more than ten minutes. Fifteen, tops. I’d be willing to bet that if you looked inside her vagina a half hour after intercourse, there’d just be a lot of bubbling and hissing sounds, like you were frying bacon in hydrochloric acid. And you might see occasional shriveled and disfigured spermatozoa emerge from the mist, rattling chains and moaning like some kind of a seminal Jacob Marley on Christmas Eve, and right in front of the cervix would be a hand-lettered sign that read “The End Is Near — John 3:16.” You’d be better off spilling your seed in a ten-gallon drum of radioactive waste than dropping a load in Paris Hilton. At least your baby has a chance of turning out to be a superhero that way." God, can't these jerks even be original? Last week WWTDD made similarly derisive comments about Paris's possible pregnancy. And again: we're not thrilled about the idea of Paris procreating either, but comparing sex with her to "frying bacon in hydrochloric acid" is just tasteless.
The Punishment: 5 weeks working at a fertility clinic with reproductively challenged women.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: demeaning a woman's looks because she is not traditionally "feminine."
The Evidence: "Now, saMAN's own, brother, producer Mark Ronson, is also confirming that they are lesbian lovers. He says: 'My sister and Lindsay [Lohan] make a cute couple, don’t they?' Hmmm. Not so much! Cute is definitely not a word we would use to describe saMAN!" We're not the first to point this out, but isn't it completely hypocritical for Perez, as a vocal gay rights supporter, to bash a woman for not conforming to societal norms? Boooerns, Perez, boooerns.
The Punishment: indentured servitude to Dina Lohan.

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

• Jessica Alba popped! It's a girl. New daddy Cash Warren says, "She's beautiful." [Us]
• Brokeback Mountain: The opera. Coming soon! Or actually, spring 2013. But that's only 5 years away! [Reuters]
• There are rumors flying around that Miley Cyrus has a 22-year-old boyfriend, but take 'em with a grain of salt. [A Socialite's Life]
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson were seen at a tattoo studio in Hollywood over the weekend. Don't you kind of wish they would each get half a heart that is only complete when they are together? Or is that just me? [ET]
• Does Paul Newman have lung cancer??? [Daily Express]
• L.A. baby boutique Petit Trésor is always drumming up publicity for itself and claiming to outfit celebrity nurseries; today the store says the Jolie-Pitts have purchased organza bassinets ($800), Versailles-style cribs ($3,200) with matching changing tables ($2,800), armoires ($4,500) and silk gliders. They even installed two pink crystal chandeliers for the girls at a cost of $899 each. This is the same store Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes sent a cease and desist letter to, saying "Petit Trésor is trying to get publicity for themselves by telling the press that celebrities are shopping in their store when they're not." So keep that in mind. [Rush & Molloy]

• Chris Rock was pranked by being fake-arrested in South Africa for a reality show… Was Ashton Kutcher involved? [ET]
• Pharrell! In space! He totally bought a ticket for Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic! [Mirror]
• Katie Price, aka Brit "glamour model" Jordan, says she is selling her breast implants on eBay for £1 million, but I couldn't find them. [Mirror]
• Speaking of implants, cough cough, Christina Aguilera will breastfeed until her kid turns two because she loves her E-cup boobs. [PopCrunch]
• John Mayer has been driving Jennifer Aniston's cars. It's true love! [UPI]
• Heidi Montag plans to win an Oscar. Hahahahahaha. Wow. [JustJared]
• Sienna Miller's ex, Rhys Ifans, has been texting Sienna, begging her to change her mind about dumping him. [The Sun]
• As previously reported, Paris Hilton is not pregnant. We know for sure because she was seen drinking. [UPI]
• Matthew McConaughey does not have any plans to marry his baby mama Camila Alves. We'll see. [UPI]
• Patrick Swayze's TV project has been greenlighted by A&E and will start filming this summer. He continues to respond well to his treatment for pancreatic cancer, yay. [People]
• Snoop Dogg to Beyoncé and Jay-Z: "Go home and make babies. They should, that's the next step as far as marriage, having kids ... add on to the family, so hopefully that's what they'll do." [People]
• Anne Heche reached a divorce settlement: She must pay ex-husband Coley Laffoon a $275,000 lump sum and $3,700 per month in child support for their 6-year-old son. That's a lot of money, but less than the $15,000 a month support Anne was supposed to pay. [People]
• Soon-to-be-new-dad-of-Nicole-Kidman's-baby Keith Urban doesn't know what a onesie is. [People]
• Lynda "Wonder Woman" Carter found a body floating in the Potomac River in Washington, D.C. last week and told fisherman to call the cops. [E!]
• Rihanna's boobs are real, FYI. [Daily Star]
• Leonardo DiCaprio will star in Atari, about the "father" of the videogame system. [ET]
• Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic rant two years ago has not made him a pariah in Hollywood, so there's that. [Page Six]
• The dude that used to do public relations for Plato's Retreat sex club says new series Swingtown is very similar to a sitcom he pitched. Are any of you guys watching that show? [Page Six]
• Mischa Barton's new boyfriend, Rooney guitarist Taylor Locke, apparently "mopes," aww. [Page Six]
• Kate Moss pitched a fit at an Agent Provocateur party when she was not allowed to enter the bathroom with three friends. "But I'm hosting the event," she argued. Rules are rules, so Kate and her gang left. [Page Six]
• Blind item #1! "Which star of a new TV hit has Hollywood scrambling to the pharmacy? He's spreading herpes around town like wildfire." Blind item #2! "Which gorgeous socialite has a secret side to her sex life? While she's often on the arm of a guy at social functions, we hear she prefers to go home with a lady." Blind item #3! "Which hit TV show's cast members are as bad in real life as the characters in the plotline? At a recent party, two of the hot actors held up the bathroom line while cutting their own lines in the stalls." [Page Six]
• Jay Leno is trying to figure out how he can help Tonight Show veteran Ed McMahon, who faces foreclosure on his house. Here's an idea: Cash. [Rush & Molloy]
• Padma Lakshmi recently had gynecological surgery for endometriosis, but she is recovering well — she went to a benefit for indigenous people on Thursday. [Rush & Molloy]
• Warren G — known for working with Nate Dogg, Snoop Dogg and step-brother Dr. Dre — was pulled over in Hollywood and found to be in possession of marijuana, shocker. [TMZ]
• Larry Birkhead has purchased a new 10,000-square-foot, six-bedroom house in Louisville, KY. Perhaps we can stop hearing from him or thinking about him very soon. [UPI]
• Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge swear things will work out between them eventually. But for now there's tension. And if they make up it will be in front of cameras, of course! [People]
• "[British soldiers] are always whining about the dangers of being killed. Oh my God, they are such whimps now! The whole point of being the Army is wanting to get killed, wanting to test yourself to the limits. Now you have to fly 15,000 ft. above the war zone to avoid getting hit. I don't think there is any point in having wars if that's how you're going to behave. It's pathetic. All this whining!" — Rupert Everett. [TMZ]

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Bashing a pregnant woman's body; being sizeist
The Evidence: "Okay, this isn't exactly the way I wanted to see Jessica Alba back in her bikini, but you've got to admit, there is something strangely compelling about these Jessica Alba bikini pictures. It's kind of like a roadside accident. You don't want to look, but you just can't help it." The moniker "Egotastic" "is fitting, since this editor apparently thinks the world revolves around him. Look, guy, Jessica Alba doesn't give a hoot whether or not you want to see her in a bikini, and she shouldn't, because you're an ass who compares pregnancy to a car crash. I mean, we'd call your mother's pregnancy a car wreck, but maybe that's going too far!
The Sentence: Massaging pregnant women's swollen, unwashed tootsies for 72 hours straight.

The Accused:The Superficial
The Crime: Comparing Queen Latifah to a manatee
The Evidence: "Upholding my never-ending quest to post bikini pictures of the stars, here's shots of Queen Latifah in Miami enjoying some aquatic activities. As a boob-lover, all I can say is DAMN! Where do the breasts end and the woman begin? But, seriously, I really want to know. I've been staring at these pics for hours and I'm totally lost. Okay, that's a thigh. Or is it an arm? Wait, I'm looking at manatee pictures. How'd these get mixed in? Geekologist!" This is just so dumb, but again, what bugs is how TIRED it is. Just last month, The Superficial's cousin in idiocy, Yeeah!, compared Britney to a manatee. Also? Fuck off.
The Sentence: Getting a single breast implant in the middle of his stomach, you know, since he is such a boob-lover, he should get one of his own! Consider it a gift from us, cyclops.

The Accused: Yeeeah!
The Crime: Demeaning a woman's looks.
The Evidence:: "I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. No one I know ever accused her of being pretty. A grown-up version of that girl in your tenth grade English class that wrote cliched poems on her arms and refused to let grunge die its slow flannel death, yes. Tubby and party-hat nippled, yes. Pretty, no. Frankly, if she’s going to start apologizing, she might want to start with one of those other ones first."
The Sentence: Being subjected to a bar fight with Lily Allen's entourage and a couple of British soccer hooligans added in for good measure. I bet your nipples will look fantastic afterwards.

The Accused : WWTDD
The Crime: joking about violence against women.
The Evidence: "Paris Hilton was walking around last night with Benji Madden or Joel Madden or whichever one it is she dates, and she looked suspiciously pregnant while doing it. So if you’re wondering if I’ve been put in charge yet, this is how you can the answer is 'no.' My plan calls for Paris Hilton to be flipped upside down and then we’ll fill her vagina with cement. I know it's sounds radical, but it’s the only way to be sure. I'm tough but fair." Look, I'm not a big fan of the idea of Paris Hilton having a kid, but joking about how her vagina should be filled with cement is out of line.
The Sentence: All of his orifices should be filled with cement, obvi!

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

• Charlie Sheen's friends are calling Denise Richards a liar: She says she's doing a reality show to make money and support her children; they say she "gets more than enough money from Charlie to never have to work, much less do a reality show that exploits the kids." Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support and previously received $60,000 a month (tax-free) for two years in alimony. Anybody think they could give it a try and raise two kids on that awfully paltry sum? [Page Six]

• Also something about Denise wanting to use Charlie as a sperm donor but frankly, these two don't interest me at all. [Rush & Molloy]
• Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz wedding photo! WTF is that dog wearing? [People]
• Jodie Foster dumped her lesbian lover after falling for another woman on a film set! Apparently Jodie cheated on movie producer girlfriend Cydney Bernard with screenwriter Cindy Mort. Scandal! [The Sun]
• Jessica Alba's secret wedding Monday "surprised even good friends." [People]
• Four witnesses have identified the young woman on video in the R. Kelly trial. The defense says maybe R Kelly's head was digitally added to someone else's body. [Yahoo News]

• 60 Minutes correspondent Lesley Stahl gave a commencement speech at Jesuit-run Loyola College and used the word pusillanimous, then told the crowd, it "doesn't have anything to do with pussy." Hahaha, oh shit. [Page Six]

• The National Enquirer says Vince Vaughn is concerned about Jennifer Aniston falling for John Mayer and is warning her about the bad-boy musician. Uh, whatever. [MSNBC]

• Heather Mills was told to tear down a marquee she built at her home without permission. It's for parties. [Mirror]
• Tori Spelling was indulging in Baskin Robbins's "bump day" (soft-serve ice cream for pregnant women) even though soft-serve is supposed to be a health risk for knocked up chicks. [TMZ]
• If you want to see the "other woman" who split up Shania Twain and Mutt Lange, click here. [People]
• JR Rotem, the producer who once said that he "fucked Britney wheelbarrow style" is confirming that they are working in the studio together. Her new album is in the "experimental stages." Looking forward to it. [People]
• Mick Jagger was spotted feeling on some chick's booty while his girlfriend was just a few feet away, oblivious. When you start him up he'll never stop. [Rush & Molloy]
• Zach Braff has hideous luggage. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "Which two beyond-famous actor pals have late-night cocaine parties, much to their wives' dismay? They start at 3 a.m. and rage until sunrise - and we hear a rehabbed starlet has joined them for several sessions." [Rush & Molloy]
• The five-year-old daughter of Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman was killed last night when a car driven by one of her older brothers hit her in the family's driveway. Tragic. And also: Unless you're actually in the Serengeti, SUVs are evil. [TMZ]
• Is Friday Night Lights actress Minka Kelly dating New York Yankee Derek Jeter? Do you care? [Page Six]
• Nick Cannon left his boys' weekend to be by Mariah's side at an Elle photo shoot. [Page Six]
• Gina Gershon and Weeds star Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Getting cozy? [Page Six]
• Is Michelle Tractenberg is as bitchy in real life as she is on Gossip Girl? [Page Six]
• Is Ivana Trump soooo in love with her new hubby Rossano Rubicondi that she doesn't feel like going to Cannes? She was expected at a bunch of parties but is holed up in Palm Beach. [Page Six]
• Some nightclub owner wanted to buy Lindsay Lohan a fur coat since she gave back the one she stole, but she turned him down. Publicity is a weird game. [Page Six]
• Harrison Ford lost his digital camera in Cannes; let him know if you've seen it. [E!]
• The Pet Shop Boys say they ARE NOT working with Amy Winehouse on the Bond theme and The Sun "totally made up" the story. Sigh. [ONTD]
• Cameron Diaz is bald for a new movie. [ET]
• Jennifer Garner and husband Ben Affleck have signed up to help raise money for an athletic complex at her hometown university in West Virginia. Eh, do-gooders. Yawn. [AP]
• Scarlett Johansson wanted her new album to sound "like we've drunk cough medicine and seen Tinkerbell." She also says: "We spent days trying to record owls. [My producer] told me to have a mini-recorder with me all the time. We recorded all kinds of stuff - everywhere you go, Louisiana is alive with sounds." [Mirror]
• This review calls Scarlett "limited as a vocalist" and says the album is "wonderful in concept, uneven in execution, and ultimately satisfying," though "listeners who expect a high-gloss star turn by Ms. Johansson will be disappointed." [WSJ]
• Mischa Barton and Taylor Locke from Rooney: It's on. [The Sun]
• Amy Winehouse is up for three Novellos, the "Oscars" of British songwriting and composing. Come on, you know she's no good. [The Star]
• David Byrne was dyking brunk biking drunk when his tire "slipped on the cobblestones of West 14th St." He says "I remember lying in the street, looking at oncoming headlights and rolling towards the curb so they wouldn’t run me over." Byrne has two broken ribs. [Gothamist]
• David Bowie and Paul Weller have finally ended their long-running feud. But um "The Starman still couldn’t resist a cheeky dig at the Modfather’s infamous barnet." Hahahaha, wait, what? [The Sun]
• Some dude named David Cook "won" this thing called American Idol. [People]
• If you didn't see Robert Downey Jr, Ben Stiller and Jack Black as the Pips on Idol, here is your chance. [ONTD]
• "I always treat life and death with respect, but most people don't. Look, I love the Coen brothers; we all studied at NYU. But they treat life like a joke. Ha ha ha. A joke. It's like, 'Look how they killed that guy! Look how blood squirts out the side of his head!' I see things different than that." — Spike Lee. [Comcast Entertainment]

]]> Thu, 22 May 2008 09:00:00 EDT Dodai http://jezebel.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=5010412&view=rss&microfeed=true This just in! Jessica Alba has finally dragged her boyfriend to the altar married Cash Warren. The kids were wed on Monday. They met in 2004 while Jess was filming Fantastic Four and have been on-again and off-again, but got engaged in December of 2007. Jessica is expecting a daughter this summer. Guess she's a good Catholic girl and can't have that kid out of wedlock! So, are they in it for good? She is a Taurus and Cash is a Capricorn. That's a lot of horns to butt. But Susan Miller says it's a great match. Good luck, you two! [People]

• A new study shows that most female child molesters were victims of sexual abuse themselves. • Jordan has charged a man who allegedly killed his sister for having an extramarital affair. • Stephanie Pearl-McPhee calls herself the "yarn harlot" and keeps an eponymous blog about knitting. • Some conservative British politicians want to bar lesbians from receiving IVF treatment unless the potential child would have a "male role model" involved. • In the U.S., paid maternity leave is a luxury, not a right. "The United States provides the fewest maternity leave benefits in both length of leave and paid time off," when compared to nineteen equally rich countries, according to Time. • Overheard at the gay rodeo: "This is an all-American sport, and we are all-American people." • Queen Elizabeth tops the list of Live Science's 10 Most Powerful Modern Women Leaders. Also included: Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir, Angela Merkel, Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf.

• Mischa Barton claims she is a PhotoShop Of Horrors victim: A new batch of paparazzi beach shots showed her legs riddled with cellulite. "Those photos are doctored," Barton's rep, Lisa Perkins, says. "I'm not saying she's perfect, nobody is. But they've given a 22-year-old woman the legs and bottom of an 80-year-old." The pix were taken by the dude she's pissed at for snapping topless shots; the same one who ran Nicole Kidman off of the road. [Rush & Molloy]
  
• You can see the pictures here, with a regular paparazzi shot as well. Photoshop? [Daily Mail]
  
• Apparently Mariah Carey wanted a $3 million wedding with doves and orchids and Nick Cannon wanted to get married ASAP with no fuss. Mariah agreed because, as she has said, "We really do feel we are soulmates. I never felt a love like this was in the cards for me." Aww, that should be sweet but somehow it's fucking annoying. [Mirror]
  
• Lindsay Lohan: Seen doing shots of tequila with Lauren Conrad! LL turned her back so no one would see; unfortunately she was facing a window and the whole bar could see her reflection. Whoops! [Rush & Molloy]
  
• Meanwhile: You know how Lindsay had finally gotten a movie role? In that Manson Girls flick? Well she's been kicked off of the project. Producers "discovered that they couldn't find any name actresses who wanted to co-star with her," says Nikki Finke. [Deadline Hollywood via ONTD]

• It looks like officials in Malawi are all set to grant full adoption rights to Madonna. A document says: "Mr and Mrs Ritchie have shown a strong commitment in providing the infant with all essential needs like love, safe home environment, care, protection, material as well as emotional support." [Yahoo News]
• Jessica Simpson will be little sister Ashlee's maid of honor. At Ashlee's yet-to-be-scheduled wedding. [People]
• Jeremy Piven and Pink: Seen "all over each other" and "dancing really close." [Page Six]
• Alec Baldwin may want to switch careers. "In a matter of weeks, I'm going to be 50," he says. As long as he doesn't leave 30 Rock! [Page Six]
• Even though Tom Cruise told Oprah that he regrets his infamous argument on the Today show, Matt Lauer, Lauer says, "I don't think he needs to apologize. I don't feel there are any hard feelings. It was an interview. It was a good moment on television." Oh Matt. You're glib, Matt. Glib. [People]
• Jessica Alba challenges you to a staring contest. [People]
• Katie Holmes "has got the itch" to have another baby. Praise Xenu! [E!]
• Poor Uma Thurman may be in court again! Lancôme is suing Uma as a preemptive strike: Her contract as the face of the cosmetics company expired in 2005; yet her picture was seen in ads on Asian websites and on a Canadian billboard recently. [E!]
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt get their locks lightened by the same colorist. News you can use. [E!]
• Josh Brolin as George W. Bush. [E!]
• Daisy Lowe, 19, is loving hanging out with new boyfriend Mark Ronson, 32. Sigh. [Daily Mail via ONTD]
• Um, Chloe Lattanzi, daughter of Olivia Newton-John and contestant on Rock The Cradle, seems to have had quite a bit of collagen injected into her lips. And maybe a nose job. [ONTD]
• When Simon Cowell was a teenager, he hated school so much he was practically suicidal. He says, "I was so bored. I didn't like rules or discipline. So when someone said, 'These are the best days of your life' I actually thought about jumping off a bridge." [Mirror]
• Foxy Brown pleaded guilty to "menacing" a woman with her BlackBerry in 2007 and thereby avoided going on trial for assault. Time for a kinder, gentler Foxy! [Reuters]
• There is audio of the domestic violence 911 call involving Vanilla Ice, if you care to hear it. [The Superficial]
• Madonna is endorsing secondary ticket sales for her upcoming tour, which means if at first it seems like it's sold out, it might not be — if you have the cash. [Financial Times]
• Ashton Kutcher slept around before he met Demi Moore, surprise, surprise. [The Sun]
• Daniel Depp got his debut novel published, maybe because he is Johnny Depp's (half) brother? [Independent]
• Hot hottie Gary Dourdan of CSI has been charged with felony drug possession. Maybe I'm old but I remember him best as the gorgeous man in the Janet Jackson video. [Yahoo News]
• Rihanna kissing Chris Brown at KFC! LOL! [Concrete Loop]

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Reducing a woman to her looks; criticizing said looks.
The Evidence: "Brooke Hogan causes bewilderment in my pants. 1. Don't ever, EVER stare directly into the camera again. I'm now deaf from the ear-shattering scream of my penis. 2. You're not Kim Kardashian. If I wanted to see a dude's butt, I'd watch football - with a room full of male strippers. I don't half-ass anything. Ha! Get it? Ba doom sha! But, seriously, no one needs to see that thing. 3. Be cognizant of what words you're standing under. Particularly the letters 'T, R, A, N, S.'" Hey, I don't love Brooke Hogan. I think it's weird that she bleaches her hair to look like her mom and dad and um, her dad's new girlfriend. But it's just not fair to call her a tranny. She can't help that she inherited genes from her 6 foot 4 and 238 pound father. And there's nothing she can do about it. And being tall and broad doesn't mean you're not a woman! Heh, "broad."
The Sentence: A Powerslam by Hulk Hogan himself.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Again, reducing a woman to her looks; criticizing said looks. And saying that a woman looks like a man.
The Evidence: "2001's international pop sensation, Pink, was in Malibu this weekend with some dude and an unfortunate bikini. Pink is the dude in the bikini. It's hard to tell how in love with yourself you have to be to look like Pink and tattoo bows on the backs of your thighs, but I'm guessing it's a lot. Considering I'd rather have sex with an electrical fence, I'd say it's way more than the agreed upon definition of 'a lot.'" Pink can sing. Pink loves to work out and is fucking strong. Once I was on a photoshoot with Pink and she did some gymnastics on the set, including walking on her hands, and everyone's jaw dropped. Pink can kick your ass. Don't fuck with Pink.
The Sentence: Asian mist, performed by Pink herself.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Talking about women in filthiest terms possible.
The Evidence: "Paris is fucking gross and disgusting. The inside of Paris' stomach probably looks like a trash bag filled with cottage cheese due to all the chunky jizz she's eaten. Stupid skank! [Paris and Kim Kardashian] hate each other. Now is our chance to finally rid the world of the two biggest whores. We should have a 'whore off.' We'll stick a hard 12-inch dick in front of them and watch as they suck to the death." As noted before, it's not about defending Paris or Kim — it's about the stigma women who are free and single and maybe enjoy sex have. It's not cool when any man calls any woman a whore, unless, of course, she does collect income from performing sexual acts, in which case "hooker" seems better somehow.
The Sentence: The Boston crab.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Rape joke.
The Evidence: (On an Ashlee Simpson post) "So she's pregnant. That's why the rushed wedding. Stuff like this is why you have to be careful. Always use protection, and if you're like me, always take a moment to lay the girls clothes out just as she had them on. That way you can re-dress her before she wakes up and no one is the wiser." Hahaha, fuck you.
The Sentence: Moonsault.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Mocking a pregnant woman's size. Always a knee-slapper.
The Evidence: "Seven months ago seeing Jessica Alba suck on a lollipop would have been considered hot, but the girl just had to go and get herself knocked up and ruin everything. Not even her milky tits can hide the fact that she's almost the size of a small minivan. Anyway, feels like she's been carrying that hot body-killer around forever. When is it going to drop?" It's just not even funny. Can you believe this site considers itself "for entertainment purposes"?
The Sentence: Piledriver.
Additional Crime: Cellulite-critique.
The Evidence: "Here's Katherine Heigl wearing panties on the set of her movie The Ugly Truth, but unfortunately the real ugly truth is that she needs to work on those legs. They're looking a little Mischa Barton-like. Now ladies, save your 'that's what a woman looks like' emails. It won't fly with me. The girl smokes like a chimney and I highly doubt she spends much time at the gym, so if she's going to prance around in her panties, she better have the goods." Actresses are not anatomical models to be inspected and stamped with your approval or disapproval. A woman is not a piece of meat. Fuck! This pisses me off.
The Sentence: Doomsday Device.

• Lovers' spat! At a Barack Obama party, the DJ started playing "Crazy In Love" and Jay-Z grabbed the mic and said, "Sorry Bey but fuck that — let's play something else." B was pissed! Later the couple kissed and made up, though. [Mirror]
  
• This should not come as a surprise and hardly qualifies as news, but Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of The Hills want their own show. They've been in NYC pitching it to execs; it would be about them (gag) planning their wedding. Listen, if we all concentrate, maybe we can prevent this from happening: Every time Spencer gets what he wants, an angel loses its wings. [Page Six]
  
• Amy Winehouse has taken up painting watercolors. I want to hang one in my apartment so badly. [Mirror]

• Rob Lowe's former castmembers have got his back! West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin says Rob is a "gentleman who cares first and most for his family." Actor Dulé Hill agrees: "I've known him strictly as a family man." As for the nanny allegations? "It doesn't seem like the Rob I know. It doesn't add up," says Hill. [People]
• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban were seen in the stands at a hockey game in Nashville. Doesn't that just seem odd? [ET]
• Oh, Nicole Kidman wants her kids out of the Church of Scientology. Good luck with that. [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan will be coming to New York tomorrow to see "pal" DJ Samantha Ronson spin, and not to visit her ailing grandparents. Cold! Oh, they've reportedly "never been kind to her." [Page Six]
• Lindsay's dad Michael is not happy that his daughter's rep says she won't be doing missionary work in India. "I think we can all see that her present so-called friends and management have her focused on the wrong projects and things. If Lindsay would just listen to me and follow my guidance, like she did when her life was on the right path, and before the people you see now that are in her life, I guarantee that her life would straighten out and she'd be back to being the gifted actress everyone knew and loved." [Gatecrasher]
• This may shock you, but 30 Rock's Judah Friedlander, known for wearing trucker hats with wacky sayings on them, makes the hats himself. "They are intricate, I sew things on too," he says. "I have over 100 of them and come up with the sayings myself. Fans e-mail me suggestions all the time. So far, I've used one." [Page Six]
• Posh and Becks are having a joint birthday party this weekend and hired a company to get swag from high-end brands for the gift bags. The guest list is fairly exclusive: Only 25 people were invited. Did your invitation get lost in the mail? [Page Six]
• Kate Hudson's birthday is Saturday and some lady got her a "weird" cake in the shape of a "woman/snake/lizard kneeling," with Kate's head on it. Kate did not eat it and it was found in the garbage later, LOL. [Gatecrasher]
• Jennifer Aniston will be the "surprise" guest on the season finale of Oprah's Big Give, pass it on. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which actress on a canceled show was "doing her body weight" in cocaine at a beachy magazine shoot over the weekend?" [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which recently rehabbed rocker got clean through a week-long induced coma? He couldn't bear to sweat out the booze on his own." [Rush & Molloy]
• A court-appointed lawyer, a co-conservator and two other attorneys in the Britney Spears conservator case all have bills — and the commissioner says Brit must pay. Ouch. [TMZ]
• No, seriously: It's $400,000 in legal fees. [People]
• Foxy Brown gets out of prison today! The Department of Corrections says fan or press gatherings will not be allowed, so cancel your trip to Rikers Island. [TMZ]
• This is a headline from People.com: "Jessica Alba in Frantic Nesting Mode." Try to care. [People]
• Cute cutie Bradley Cooper (he was in Wedding Crashers, Alias and the short-lived show Kitchen Confidential) has a new love: Actress Rhona Mitra, who's been on Nip/Tuck and Boston Legal. Foxy couple. [E!]
• Baywatch better stay in reruns forever: David Hasslehoff has agreed to pay $25,000 a month to support his ex-wife and children. [AP]
• Here's a great headline: "Doherty's Pals Flog His Gear." Apparently Pete's friends have been selling some of his stuff for cash — like the "horrible" paintings he did using his own blood — while he's in jail. [The Sun]
• Meanwhile, Pete is in an isolated area of the prison because fellow inmates were planning an attack on him. [Mirror]
• Madonna is in negotiations to play two gigs in Dubai for a whopping £12.5 million. If each show is 90 minutes it comes out to something like $167,000 a minute, for the love of Christmas. [The Sun]
• Hahaha, Gwyneth has stopped working out with Madge because her "grueling" two-and-half-hour workouts are too much for Ms. Paltrow. Madonna is so fucking hardcore. [Mirror]
• Ashanti's new video portrays her wielding a knife and getting revenge on a cheating ex, but she swears it's not about boyfriend Nelly, whom she does not even admit is her boyfriend but her really really good friend. [People]
• RIP, Danny Federici from the E Street band. [USA Today]
• Dita Von Teese is suing a dude who built her a 10-foot high swan with a fountainhead in the beak for her act. The fountain malfunctioned during the debut of her show in Toronto and that will just not do. [TMZ]
• "I never go suntanning. My worst fear is looking down and seeing brown, wrinkly cleavage. It'll get white and wrinkly, but no need to rush it." —Dita Von Teese. [Rush & Molloy]

[Beverly Hills, April 14. Image via INFdaily.com.]

• Britney Spears was involved in a minor car accident Saturday night; no one was injured and no vehicles were damaged. [AP]
  
• Apparently Brit was in stop and go traffic, driving at about 10 m.p.h. and putting on her makeup before the accident. Brit passed a field sobriety test. [TMZ]
  
• Dr. Phil is so classy and generous! He allegedly posted bond for one of the cheerleaders arrested for beating a teenage girl on videotape because her grandmother told reporters she didn't have the money to bail her granddaughter out. Of course, that means that Dr. Phil would have "exclusive" rights to her story. [TMZ]
  
• But wait! It wasn't Dr. Phil but a production assistant from his show. Also known as a scapegoat. [TMZ]
  
• A source says "It's getting desperate" behind the scenes of Dr. Phil's show. Ya think? [MSNBC]

• "'Gangsta rap' was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other. 'Gangsta rap' didn't exist." — Alicia Keys. [Fox News]
• Cate Blanchett gave birth to her third son, Ignatius Martin, on Sunday. She and husband Andrew Upton already have two sons: Dashiell John, 5, and Roman Robert, 3. [People]
• Ivana Trump got married! Male guests wore white and female guests wore pastel; the wedding cake was 12 feet tall; Donald Trump Junior threatened to kill his new stepdad. In a speech, Don Jr. said to Rossano Rubicondi: "You better treat her right, because I have a .45 and a shovel." [Gatecrasher]
• BTW, you probably knew this but Ivana is 59 and Rossano is 36. [Yahoo News]
• Does Pink have a new man? She was seen frolicking on the beach in Malibu with Todd Morse, a punk guitarist who plays in Juliette Lewis' band: Juliette and the Licks. Are the gonna make beautiful music together? [TMZ]
• Matt Damon, Thandie Newton and Joely Richardson were photographed destroying toys — meant to symbolize the destruction of childhood in Darfur. [People]
• Shaquille O'Neal filed for divorce from his wife Shaunie in 2007, but they were seen at the zoo together last weekend. Reconciliation? [Page Six]
• Guests at Jessica Alba's baby shower were asked to put on leather bracelets before saying a "life, love, health, etc" prayer; they're not supposed to take the bracelets off until the baby is born. [Page Six]
• Model Jessica Stam and actress Michelle Trachtenberg: Seen eating bread! [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which actress married to a power player is repaying his infidelities with a close friendship of her own with a sporting figure?" [Gatecrasher]
• A staffer at WBLS is claiming she suffered sexual harassment while working on the Wendy Williams show — from Wendy's husband, no less. [Rush & Molloy]
• Michael Lohan says daughter Lindsay hasn't visited her grandmother, even though grannie was in serious car accident last month. Plus, her grandfather keeps having heart failure, and LL hasn't seen him, either. [Rush & Molloy]
• Madonna has purchased a third apartment in the building where she already has a huge duplex, fueling rumors that she and Guy Ritchie will split. But seriously, real estate deals do not equal divorce. [The Sun]
• Harold And Kumar star John Cho and his wife, Kerri Higuchi, are expecting a child. [People]
• Desperate Housewives' James Denton is so hardcore: "My dog got bit in the face by a rattlesnake and almost died," he says. "A few weeks later, we were on the same trail and I saw a rattlesnake, and I knew it was going to bite someone, so I killed it. But I took it home and ate it." [Rush & Molloy]
• Kathy Griffin was seen in Beverly Hills shopping, hugging and holding hands with Britney Spears' ex, Adnan Ghalib. Probably for Ashton Kutcher's show, Pop Fiction. [Rush & Molloy]
• Uh, Adnan was attacked and stabbed Saturday night. He's okay, but WTF. [JFX]
• Brace yourselves: Heather Mills is moving to the US. [Mirror]
• Heather Mills was booed — loudly — at the Miss USA pageant, where she was a judge. [Mirror]
• Katie Holmes is hungry. [MSNBC]
• The media is being prevented from getting any details on R. Kelly's porn case, and, frankly, aren't you glad to be spared? [UPI]
• Salman Rushdie is dating Aimee Mullins, an athlete turned model. She's also a double amputee. [Times Of India]
• Before he went to jail last week, Pete Doherty went on a "bender" in Paris with girlfriend Irina Lazareanu. What constitutes a bender these days? Nonstop booze? Drugs? Both? [Mirror]
• Elle Macpherson was seen hitting on George Clooney. "Elle threw herself at him quite aggressively," says a source, "but the gigantic cold sore on her lip was not helping her." Catty fucking Daily Mail. [Daily Mail]
• Sienna Miller is so in love with Rhys Ifans she speaks Welsh to him: "Fy anwylyd, rwy'n dy garu di" apparently means "Darling I love you." [Daily Mail]
• Kylie Minogue's new album: A total flop in the US. [Reuters]
• JK Rowling will be in court in New York today to try and block The Harry Potter Lexicon, a guide to the world she created. Any intellectual property lawyers out there? Does she have a chance? [Financial Times]
• Law & Order star Elisabeth Rohm is a mom for the first time: A girl named Easton August Anthony was born in L.A. on Thursday. Rohm plans to marry her baby daddy, Ron Wooster, in October. Baby before marriage, the new hot trend. [AP]
• Apparently in 2006, two paparazzi offered Heath Ledger cocaine so they could film him and Heath got pissed. Ugh. [UPI]
• And yeah, a lawsuit has been filed. By an unnamed woman who might work at People. She's suing because the paps took control of a hotel room she paid for, used the mini bar and filmed her without her permission. [AP]
• Gwyneth Paltrow's nanny has written a parenting guide, with advice like: Placate a screaming child with candy. Revolutionary! [UPI]
• Amy Winehouse has canceled plans to begin recording her third album and might not release new music until 2009. And! She's addicted to ironing now. Yeah, ironing. A source says: "Not just her clothes but also towels, sheets, scarves. Anything really. She's a very obsessive person and has always been addicted to something." [The Sun]
• Amy won't be coming to New York to play the Metropolitan Museum of Art's annual Costume Institute Gala on May 5. Boo. [Daily Mail]
• Also, Amy is apparently still doing drugs and was seen snorting coke with Bob Geldof's daughter Pixie just a few feet away. [News Of The World]

The Accused: CelebNewsWire
The Crime: Reduction of a woman to her genitalia.
The Evidence: "Sore-Riddled Vagina Seeks Spotty Pussy," reads the headline of a story about Paris Hilton wanting a cheetah. Listen, yeah, it's Paris, but seriously. The story could be reported in a funny, non-misogynistic, non-offensive way. Calling her a "vagina" and labeling it "news" is despicable.
The Sentence: Mauling by Cheetah.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Dwelling on armpit hair.
The Evidence: "I also happened to notice that in this scene from The Tracey Fragments, in which Ellen Page is topless, and flashing her ass, her armpits are totally unshaven. Now, this could just mean that Ellen Page has different views on hygiene, but when you're a big-time Hollywood star, not shaving your armpits is a pretty big statement." Yawn. Females have armpit hair. And leg hair. And, gasp! Pubic hair. Who the fuck cares.
The Sentence: 90 days of hypertrichosis.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Unnecessary attention to cellulite.
The Evidence: "Mushy Gets Mushy: How can such a skinny girl have so much cellulite???? Drunk-driver Mushy Fartone celebrates avoiding a jail sentence by indulging in some shopping in Los Angeles on Tuesday. Unfortunately for her, she flashed a little more than she should have to the paparazzi. Be careful Msicha, you've got the fat genes in your family. Mommy's a hefty gal, and it looks like you will be too!" Cellulite is a naturally occurring condition that practically ALL POST-ADOLESCENT FEMALES develop. It is not related to being overweight. Genetics, gender, race and hormones affect cellulite. As long as she can use them to walk, Mischa's legs are fine. Also: Shut up.
The Sentence: Freaky Friday-style bodyswap with Manuel Uribe for 90 days.
Additional Crime: Under a photograph of Sharon Stone: "The actress, who hasn't been in a hit film in, like, forever, is finally starting to look her age. Sharon just turned 73 50. And she looks it!" Our own Maria-Mercedes asks, "Is there something wrong with looking your age?" The answer is, of course, no.
The Sentence: A hearty slap across the face from Sharon Stone, and may she have rings on.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Weight-mockery.
The Evidence: "Jennifer Love Hewitt's Big Ass On The Prairie: It looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt's ankle finally gave way under the pressure." Hahaha hey you guys, it's so fun to call J. Love Hewitt fat, I mean look at her neck, it's like so gigantic, and women are only as good as they look, hahahaha.
The Sentence: A reader pointed out that last week's medieval tortures did not include the Catherine Wheel, so let's use it now, shall we?

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Again with the mocking of pregnant women. Do these people not have mothers?
The Evidence: "Jessica Alba had her baby shower this weekend, and it served as a nice reminder that pregnancy slowly turns even the hottest chicks into monsters. We may have gone past the point of no return with this one." Why are pregnant women scary monsters? Are they creepy and gross? Does someone need some psychological help? Or a cookie?
The Sentence: Repressed memory therapy and 90 days community service rubbing the feet of pregnant women.

Drunken Stepfather Quote Of The Day:

My problem is not with women but with feminists who create Women's Studies programs in Universities and who overcompensate by denouncing their sex appeal, putting on a pair of construction boots and taking of their make-up so that they can be hard ass cunts by taking themselves too seriously and ragging on people like me in some kind of fight for women's rights and a whole down with penis mission. All this while denying that they can use their bodies and sex appeal to get ahead. I've never had issues with girls who are down to earth, know what's up and realize that suckin' dick and showing their tits will help their careers and can sit around and joke about that shit, because I don't think women have nothing to say and are useless and only good for fucking, but because I think there's a group of these lesbian manhaters than are giving good sweet girls who I like to be around a pretty bad name....

[Beverly Hills, April 10. Image via Flynet]

[Studio City, April 6. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• Cameron Diaz and Gerard Butler: Three dates in ten days. Touchy-feely everywhere. It's like, so on. Yeah, this is the kind of news that makes us ache inside. You, too? [Mirror]
  
• Neither Beyoncé nor Jay-Z have confirmed that they were married. But on stage in North Carolina on Saturday, Mary J. Blige (who is on tour with Jay) shouted "Congratulations to my man, Jay-Z, and my girl B," during the show. If Mary says it, you gotta believe! [People]
  
• Oooh, apparently guests at the Z-Knowles wedding were asked to leave all cell phones, cameras and guns at home and were frisked at the door — yet three guns were left in an "amnesty box" outside Jay-Z's apartment. Dangerously in love! [Mirror]
  
• Pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears spent her 17th birthday eating at Ruby Tuesday and shopping at Wal-Mart with her fiancé. [People]
  
• "I work with underprivileged girls, mostly minorities, who hate themselves because they don't look like Lauren Conrad. Who the fuck wants to look like the girls on The Hills? They're complete nitwits. Success is about more than acquiring a Hermes bag." — Stacy London of What Not To Wear. [Rush & Molloy]

• Click here to see what Scarlett Johansson's album cover looks like. (She's lying on some ferns inside of a stump or something, but it looks prettier than it sounds.) [People]
• Jessica Alba had a baby shower on Sunday; Rashida Jones, Jaime King and Kim Kardashian were in attendance. The menu featured chicken, tiger shrimp, dark chocolate-dipped strawberries and cupcakes. Jess received strollers, cradles, Dr. Seuss books, rattles and clothes. Yawn. [E!]
• Lily Allen and Kelly Osbourne turned up at the same event wearing the same Vivienne Westwood dress. Horrors! [Mirror]
• Madonna will adopt a kid from India after she finishes promoting her new album. Namaste! [The Sun]
• Um, unless, as this paper says, David Banda is the last child she ever adopts. [The Sun]
• Thandie Newton is going to play Condi Rice in Oliver Stone's new movie??? Love her, but she doesn't look like the Secretary of State. Then again, Josh Brolin doesn't look like W, so. Sigh. [LA Times]
• Nicky Hilton, who is dating Mary-Kate Olsen's ex, David Katzenberg, is becoming good friends with The Hills' Whitney Port, who is dating Ashley Olsen's ex, Matt Kaplan. Are you keeping up? Think of it this way: Hollywood is one giant bacteria swap. [Page Six]
• Dane Cook's neighbors hate him because he doesn't pick up after his dog. Gross. [Page Six]
• Paul McCartney and Heather Mills' daughter Beatrice was seen shopping with her nanny, picking out her own clothes without her parents there, poor thing. She is 4. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, Sir Paul has praised ex-wife Linda (and taken a swipe at Heather) by noting that Linda (who died in 1998) "didn't go on TV and say, 'This is who I am - hello' and try to ingratiate herself. Her priorities were private rather than public." [Mirror]
• Oh, and Paul's new girlfriend, "millionairess" Nancy Shevell, seems kind of great. [Daily Mail]
• Unfinished Kelly Clarkson tracks have leaked on to the Internet. That "sucks," says Kelly Clarkson. [Reuters]
• As previously reported, there's an X-rated blow-up doll based on Sarah Jessica Parker and Sex And The City. Will there also be a lawsuit? [UPI]
• Porn star Mary Carey announced "I'm 37 days sober!" at a NYC restaurant last week, then had a glass of wine. [Gatecrasher]
• Jessica Simpson is "shaving" on the new cover of Esquire. [Gatecrasher]
• Ashlee Simpson's album will be released almost at the same time as Mariah Carey's. Doesn't look good for Ash. [MSNBC]
• Did Mariah lipsync on a UK TV show? [Perez Hilton]
• Dina Lohan is "worried" about tabloid attention on daughter Ali, who stars in Dina's upcoming reality show. "It's scary because I did it with Lindsay and got her to the level of success that she is at and with the tabloids ... so with Ali now it's scary ... they are already making things up about her," Dina says. Thrusting her into the spotlight will certainly solve the problem! [UPI]
• Blind item! "Which Disney youth act's gay stylist had the suits in a dither because he insisted on dressing the boys in the tightest possible clothes? The execs had to back down when the "beyond metrosexual" look was a smash with their target 'tween audience." [Gatecrasher]
• George Clooney received an anonymous voice mail from a man telling him to ditch girlfriend Sarah Larson. The man said, "Dude, your friends asked me to give you a message: Dump the bitch before you're sorry!" Clooney had the call traced to a pre-paid cell phone but still doesn't know who left the message. Maybe the person who "writes" IDontlikeYouInThatWay? [TMZ]
• Photo agency x17 has apologized to Tony Parker and Eva Longoria for posting the claims of model Alexandra Paressant, who said that she'd had an affair with Tony after he married Eva. Tony had never even met Paressant. Friday the agency said: X17online.com and X17 Inc. regret having been misled by Ms. Paressant and her representatives and apologize to Mr. Parker for any damage or inconvenience this may have caused him or his wife." [TMZ]
• The reason Naomi Campbell had a hissy fit on a British Airways flight? When they lost her luggage, she reportedly said, "I must have the clothing that is in the suitcase because it is a brand that I have got to wear otherwise I don't get paid." [Mirror]
• Dancing With The Stars champ Cheryl Burke has opened her own dance studio in San Francisco. [ET]
• Jennie Garth might make a cameo appearance in the pilot of the 90210 spinoff! [LA Times]
• Rickrolling has actually spurred sales of Rick Astley songs. Amazing. [Reuters]
• Colin Farrell toured Bosnia in preparation for a new film. ""I felt sick," he says. "It is hard to describe how obviously the air and the land has been poisoned by the act of killing 8,000 people in the space of a day. But you really do get the sense of the pain and the loss and I am sad, I really am sad." [Reuters]
• 21 was number one at the box office again, beating George Clooney's Leatherheads. [E!]
• Charlton Heston is dead. [People]