State Department: Don't Get Your Hopes Up, Traveling Uggos
The Twitter account for the U.S. Department of State Bureau of Consular Affairs is my mother.
Reminder: Your Celebrity Folk Hero Bill Murray Was Once Accused of Spousal Abuse
On Friday, Netflix released A Very Murray Christmas, a Bill Murray-crafted holiday special featuring a star-studded roster of guests that include outspoken celebrity humanitarians like George Clooney, Miley Cyrus, and Amy Poehler. The production (directed by Sofia Coppola) is cranky, morose, lonely, and somewhat…
'Australia's Best Wedding' Is Australia's Worst Wedding
Can you identify the point at which couples decided that the strength of their love was best reflected by the degree to which they infuriate bystanders? I cannot.
Pissing Contest XXL: Your Best Worst Celebrity Encounters
For last week’s Pissing Contest, we asked you to share stories of your worst, most outrageous, and disappointing encounters with celebrities. Lo and behold, your responses were so good that we decided to feature them in their own very special post. Welcome to Pissing Contest XXL where you are the real celebrities.
'Ugliest Bride Ever': Wedding Photographer Insults Client on Facebook
If there’s one thing that terrifies me about getting married, it’s that there won’t be enough powder and contouring to make me look good in my photos. So it’s understandable that a bride got very upset when the photographer she hired called her ugly on Facebook.
A New App Will Tell You Which of Your Annoying Friends Should Fuck Off
"My app says I can't hang out with you."
New York Times Op-Ed Declares Brunch 'For Jerks'
In this Sunday's New York Times, writer David Shaftel has declared brunch "for jerks" who refuse to grow up and instead wish to languish in endless adolescence while the real adults (like David Shaftel) live their adult lives. David Shaftel is getting older, and he hates it. A lot.
Flight Makes Emergency Landing After Man Uses Anti-Reclining Device
Flying is a terrible indignity and if my entire family didn't live in the Midwest, I'd never do it because no trip up the majestic coast of California is worth 12+ total hours of X-raying, shoe removing, recycled baby poop air breathing, awkward water glass spilling knee bumping claustrophobia. Plus, what's the deal…
Genius Performance Artist Ann Coulter Is Now Pretending to Hate Soccer
Performance artist/"conservative pundit" Ann Coulter — whose previous bold works include "No Woman Should Be President" and "Screw You, Obama" — has debuted her newest piece, a brave and stunning indictment on American sports culture masked by a heightened and ridiculous tirade against soccer, on the Clarion-Ledger.
Rand Paul Thinks Unmarried Poor Women Should Just Stop Having Sex
Aging Brillo pad Rand Paul has a brilliant suggestion for a weapon in his ongoing war against the terrifying dragon of the unwed single mother who won't stop living off the government: tell her that if she won't stop having kids, she doesn't get any more government benefits. Rand Paul also famously opposes giving…
'Girls Are Assholes' Is the Internet's Least Relatable Video Series
I wanted to like the on-its-way-to-viral "Girls Are Assholes" web series. I really did. Not because I'm the sort of woman who hates other women, but because I love me some sharply observed self-deprecating humor almost as much as I love fresh comedic perspectives from underrepresented demographics, and this video…
Halloween Jerk to Hand Out Notes Telling Trick or Treaters They're Fat
A local busybody in Fargo, North Dakota has decided to take America's child obesity epidemic on herself this Halloween by only giving candy to the trick or treaters she deems thin enough to deserve candy. The rest of the kids — those the woman deems "moderately obese" — get notes telling their parents to stop having…
'Motorboating for Breast Cancer' Campaign Promotes Douchebag Awareness
Every year, millions of American men and boys are infected with douchebaggery — a soul-fatal condition in 90% of cases. While we know frustratingly little about the causes of douchebaggery, we see its devastating effects all around: public urination, the continuing popularity of Tosh.0, and, now, this latest Useless…
I'm Sorry For Making You Read Rielle Hunter's Hilarious Apology Letter
Well, America: you win. Rielle Hunter, who burned herself into the public's eyeballs after an affair with then-married-to-a-cancer-patient Presidential candidate John Edwards that resulted in a child and a short lived career giving jaw droppingly gross interviews, is sorry. She's so sorry she did all those things she…
You Don't Have to be a Rich Asshole to Raise a Successful Kid
If you are a rich person living in a Big City and the only definition of success you can picture looks like private school —> Ivy League —> hedge fund manager, then please, go read this story about ethical parenting over at New York mag, which should really be called "Things Rich People With Kids Will Relate To," and…
NBC Sports Guy Kills Elephant, Says If You Don't Like It You're Hitler
NBC Sports announcer and idiotic nutjob (more on that TK) Tony Markis recently shot an elephant in the head for a TV show. Why? Because guns! Because freedom! Because CONSTITUTION FOUNDING FATHERS IN GOD WE TRUST NEVER FORGET! In an interview that questioned his taste Markis compared his critics to Hitler and accused…
Lady Earns Engagement Ring by Making 300 Sad Sandwiches for Her Man
A New York City gossip reporter revealed herself today to be the woman behind 300 Sandwiches, a food blog she started because her boyfriend once told her that if she made him 300 sandwiches, he'd buy her an engagement ring. So why isn't this already a terrible straight-to-Blockbuster movie starring overgrown Disney…
Breaking: Being a Hot Woman Around Drunk Rich Pricks Sucks
Ever wondered what it's like to be a bottle service girl at one of those coke dusted d-bag watering holes called something like CLIMAX or ESCALATE or PIQUE or TRYST with $25 cover charges that would look horrifically depressing in natural light? Well, wonder no more — so-called "bottle service girls" have CONFESSED…
Cool Prank Audition Convinces Women to Wear Blackface, Salute Hitler
About 30 aspiring actresses who responded to a casting call got the shit fooled out of them when it turned out that they were auditioning for a part that didn't actually exist. But wait! It gets fool-ier: during the fake audition, the women were asked to do unladylike things like wear blackface, impersonate Adolph…
Justin Bieber Refuses to Rescue His Little Orphan Monkey
Justin Bieber has taken another step towards giving up on Mally, the poor Capuchin he left in Munich approximately one full month ago when the monkey was seized from his private jet after the pair landed in Germany on March 21st and it was discovered that Bieber did not have the proper paperwork to bring the animal,…
