Flight Makes Emergency Landing After Man Uses Anti-Reclining Device

Flying is a terrible indignity and if my entire family didn't live in the Midwest, I'd never do it because no trip up the majestic coast of California is worth 12+ total hours of X-raying, shoe removing, recycled baby poop air breathing, awkward water glass spilling knee bumping claustrophobia. Plus, what's the deal… » 8/26/14 1:45pm 8/26/14 1:45pm

Genius Performance Artist Ann Coulter Is Now Pretending to Hate Soccer

Performance artist/"conservative pundit" Ann Coulter — whose previous bold works include "No Woman Should Be President" and "Screw You, Obama" — has debuted her newest piece, a brave and stunning indictment on American sports culture masked by a heightened and ridiculous tirade against soccer, on the Clarion-Ledger. » 6/26/14 6:45pm 6/26/14 6:45pm

Rand Paul Thinks Unmarried Poor Women Should Just Stop Having Sex

Aging Brillo pad Rand Paul has a brilliant suggestion for a weapon in his ongoing war against the terrifying dragon of the unwed single mother who won't stop living off the government: tell her that if she won't stop having kids, she doesn't get any more government benefits. Rand Paul also famously opposes giving… » 1/30/14 12:20pm 1/30/14 12:20pm

'Girls Are Assholes' Is the Internet's Least Relatable Video Series

I wanted to like the on-its-way-to-viral "Girls Are Assholes" web series. I really did. Not because I'm the sort of woman who hates other women, but because I love me some sharply observed self-deprecating humor almost as much as I love fresh comedic perspectives from underrepresented demographics, and this video… » 11/19/13 5:45pm 11/19/13 5:45pm

Halloween Jerk to Hand Out Notes Telling Trick or Treaters They're Fat

A local busybody in Fargo, North Dakota has decided to take America's child obesity epidemic on herself this Halloween by only giving candy to the trick or treaters she deems thin enough to deserve candy. The rest of the kids — those the woman deems "moderately obese" — get notes telling their parents to stop having… » 10/30/13 10:00am 10/30/13 10:00am

'Motorboating for Breast Cancer' Campaign Promotes Douchebag Awareness

Every year, millions of American men and boys are infected with douchebaggery — a soul-fatal condition in 90% of cases. While we know frustratingly little about the causes of douchebaggery, we see its devastating effects all around: public urination, the continuing popularity of Tosh.0, and, now, this latest Useless… » 10/16/13 11:20am 10/16/13 11:20am

I'm Sorry For Making You Read Rielle Hunter's Hilarious Apology Letter

Well, America: you win. Rielle Hunter, who burned herself into the public's eyeballs after an affair with then-married-to-a-cancer-patient Presidential candidate John Edwards that resulted in a child and a short lived career giving jaw droppingly gross interviews, is sorry. She's so sorry she did all those things she… » 10/15/13 4:15pm 10/15/13 4:15pm

You Don't Have to be a Rich Asshole to Raise a Successful Kid

If you are a rich person living in a Big City and the only definition of success you can picture looks like private school —> Ivy League —> hedge fund manager, then please, go read this story about ethical parenting over at New York mag, which should really be called "Things Rich People With Kids Will Relate To," and… » 10/08/13 11:59am 10/08/13 11:59am

NBC Sports Guy Kills Elephant, Says If You Don't Like It You're Hitler

NBC Sports announcer and idiotic nutjob (more on that TK) Tony Markis recently shot an elephant in the head for a TV show. Why? Because guns! Because freedom! Because CONSTITUTION FOUNDING FATHERS IN GOD WE TRUST NEVER FORGET! In an interview that questioned his taste Markis compared his critics to Hitler and accused… » 9/27/13 7:15pm 9/27/13 7:15pm

Lady Earns Engagement Ring by Making 300 Sad Sandwiches for Her Man

A New York City gossip reporter revealed herself today to be the woman behind 300 Sandwiches, a food blog she started because her boyfriend once told her that if she made him 300 sandwiches, he'd buy her an engagement ring. So why isn't this already a terrible straight-to-Blockbuster movie starring overgrown Disney… » 9/25/13 12:30pm 9/25/13 12:30pm

Breaking: Being a Hot Woman Around Drunk Rich Pricks Sucks

Ever wondered what it's like to be a bottle service girl at one of those coke dusted d-bag watering holes called something like CLIMAX or ESCALATE or PIQUE or TRYST with $25 cover charges that would look horrifically depressing in natural light? Well, wonder no more — so-called "bottle service girls" have CONFESSED… » 7/12/13 5:30pm 7/12/13 5:30pm

Cool Prank Audition Convinces Women to Wear Blackface, Salute Hitler

About 30 aspiring actresses who responded to a casting call got the shit fooled out of them when it turned out that they were auditioning for a part that didn't actually exist. But wait! It gets fool-ier: during the fake audition, the women were asked to do unladylike things like wear blackface, impersonate Adolph… » 6/19/13 6:05pm 6/19/13 6:05pm

Justin Bieber Refuses to Rescue His Little Orphan Monkey

Justin Bieber has taken another step towards giving up on Mally, the poor Capuchin he left in Munich approximately one full month ago when the monkey was seized from his private jet after the pair landed in Germany on March 21st and it was discovered that Bieber did not have the proper paperwork to bring the animal,… » 4/23/13 4:20pm 4/23/13 4:20pm

John Boehner's Hypothetical Gay Child Would Never Change His Opinion on…

Aw, man. Doesn't John Boehner just seem like the coolest, most laid-back of dudes? Forget the kind of guy you want to have a beer with. No, the House Speaker is the type of chill who'd you want to take to the beach, surf some waves, smoke a j and chit-chat about life with — all because he comes off as so reasonable,… » 3/18/13 10:25am 3/18/13 10:25am

Unfriending People on Facebook Makes Shit Awkward in Real Life

I've previously advocated for the use of Facebook in telling one's bigoted relatives to go fuck themselves, because you wouldn't allow hate speech in your living room, would you? So why would you allow it in your magical computer living room? Confronting and/or unfriending jerks on Facebook is a quick and relatively… » 2/07/13 3:10pm 2/07/13 3:10pm

Hong Kong Billionaire Will Still Give Some Straight Dude Lots of Money…

Back in September, Hong Kong business man/father of the year Cecil Chao Sze-tsung offered a $65 million "reward" to any man able to woo and marry his lesbian daughter who, by the way, has been married to her longtime female partner since April of last year. Totally a cool dad move, right? Chao's daughter Gigi… » 1/28/13 12:45pm 1/28/13 12:45pm