#dirtbagafterdark

Senior Citizen Asks Lindsay To Opera; Brooke Mueller Hospitalized

• Austrian Richard Lugner, a "quirky 77-year-old entrepreneur known for his young girlfriends and appearances on reality TV," has asked Lindsay Lohan to be his date for the Vienna Opera Ball next month.

#dirtbagafterdark

J.Lo Sues Ex Over Sex Movie; Lindsay's Assistant Worries She'll Kill Herself

• Jennifer Lopez is suing her ex-husband Ojani Noa for $10 million and demanding he stop production of the film How I Married Jennifer Lopez, which includes video of the couple in "sexual situations" on their honeymoon.

Death, Taxes, & Daytime Emmys: Reassuringly Tacky!

#dirtbagafterdark

Rosie Calls Elisabeth A Twat Swat; Kristen Stewart: "I Would Kill For Him, Literally."

• While performing stand-up in New York on August 5, Rosie O'Donnell started talking about her stint on The View, which she referred to as The Screw You, and called Elisabeth Hasselbeck "Elisabeth Half-a-brain." But Rosie wasn't done!

#dirtbag

Heidi's Demure In Playboy; Stewie's Gay

• Heidi Montag's Playboy shoot: Not that X-Rated. Sources say the mag had strict instructions when photographing her:

#dirtbagafterdark

Chris Brown Apologizes For Beating Rihanna

• Chris Brown has released a video apology for assaulting Rihanna. He says: "I've told Rihanna countless times and I'm telling you today that I am truly, truly sorry...

#dirtbag

Kristin Makes Bank; Brit Wants To Meet Queen; Susan Boyle Leaves Clinic

• You may want to just give up on life: Kristin Cavallari is getting $63,000 per episode to "play" a "villain" on The Hills. [PopCrunch]

#thegoodthebadtheugly

"Sexiest Stars" Wear Worst Clothes

Gerard Butler & Cameron Diaz: It's On

• Cameron Diaz and Gerard Butler: Three dates in ten days. Touchy-feely everywhere. It's like, so on. Yeah, this is the kind of news that makes us ache inside. You, too? [Mirror]