• Chris Brown whined to Vibe about how Oprah Winfrey treated him after he assaulted Rihanna saying, "I didn't get a call from them or anything. I felt embarrassed, but at the same time I felt stabbed in the back."

• He continues: "Ok, Oprah you have so much power and people really listen to what you say. You don't know anything that went down and you jump to conclusions and start bringing people on the set that have no similarities to me other than a domestic dispute. And then compare them to me when she's around me and knows me. She could have called me and been like, 'Chris, let me get you on my show and I'm going to do this kind of segment.'" As for BET: "The BET Awards was horrible. I was watching it, holding my face like, ‘Oh my God this is wack'... They were so bent on not getting me there that they messed up their own show." The new issue, which mark's Vibe's relaunch, features Chris on one cover and Drake (who was linked to Rihanna in May) on the other. And to answer Chris's question, yes, we "r still down" about domestic violence. [BET]
• Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren has moved out of their home, according to nosy neighbors. Sources say she's living nearby, but Tiger and his reps are keeping her move secret and trying to convince her to move back into their house. [Radar Online]
• Sources say Tiger Woods continued pursuing Rachel Uchitel after his Thanksgiving weekend car crash, texting her repeatedly and telling her he wanted to find a way to see her. [TMZ]
• A source claims Tiger Woods hasn't appeared in public recently because Elin Nordegren broke his tooth. "Elin confronted him about texting Rachel Uchitel and flew into a rage," said the source. "She apparently threw the phone at his mouth and broke one of his teeth... Elin then grabbed a golf club and chased him around the house, doing tens of thousands of dollars in damage. He ran out to the car barefoot to get away from her and was in such a state of panic that he crashed." [Star]
• Reports that Tiger Woods' mother-in-law Barbro Holmberg was at the scene of the crash are untrue. She just arrived in the U.S. this weekend. [TMZ]
• A source says when Tiger Woods was taken to the hospital after the crash, he had to be admitted directly to the intensive care unit so he could be intubated and have his breathing stabilized. Though his neighbor reported that he was asleep and snoring on his lawn, a source says "that was the sound of an airway that wasn't stable." [MSNBC]
• According to new documents, the Florida Highway Patrol wanted to do a blood test on Tiger Woods because a "witness" (probably Elin), "stated that the driver had consumed alcohol earlier in the day and the same witness removed the driver from the vehicle after the collision." The request was denied and the police determined alcohol wasn't a factor. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Davenport, who is a friend of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren, says the media's "insinuation that [Elin] would be aggressive or attacking is just preposterous. ... She always handles herself with class." [ET]
• Tiger Woods posted another apology on his website today — to his sponsors, not his wife. He wrote: "As the final round of the Chevron World Challenge begins, I would like to extend my heartfelt thank you to everyone affiliated with the event, especially our amazing title sponsor, Chevron." [TMZ]
• BREAKING: Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren had a meeting yesterday with a man wearing a suit. [TMZ]
• Ashley Dupre, the former escort who slept with former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, weighed in on the Tiger Woods scandal for no apparent reason. She says of the women coming forward about their affairs with Tiger, "I don't agree with that they're doing. I don't agree with coming forward," but adds, "When you sleep with a married man... first of all, you're only helping them stay married." [Extra]
• Mindy Lawton, one of Tiger Woods alleged mistresses, was charged with felony DWI in January for rear ending a car that hit another car and failing a sobriety test. [TMZ]
• According to this guide in People, Tiger Woods may have as many as 12 mistresses, including porn star Holly Sampson, an "Anonymous Florida Cougar," and "Trailer Trash Orlando Neighbor." Okay. [People]
• Yes, it can get worse: One of Tiger Woods' mistresses contacted Playgirl with an offer to sell pictures of his penis that she took on her cell phone. [Perez Hilton]
• Michelle Duggar, who is pregnant with her 19th child, was rushed to the hospital this weekend. "Michelle Duggar was admitted to an Arkansas hospital due to gallbladder issues," says a TLC rep. "The pain from a gallstone was generating some contractions... Though there were some fears that the baby was in trouble initially, it soon was discovered to be solely the gallstone causing the discomfort. Michelle is resting comfortably, and the baby is doing fine." [People]
• Alexa Ray Joel is doing better after being hospitalized for a suicide attempt or "reaction to herbal medication." Her rep says, "She is feeling much better. She is with her family and looking forward to getting back on track... I want to thank everyone for their outpouring of love and support." [People]
• Pete Doherty was arrested outside a bar in Germany for throwing a pint glass at a parked car, smashing the back window. The bartender said: "He was drinking shots and constantly asking where to get cocaine." [Ireland Online]
• Russell Brand says Katy Perry has helped him settle down. "It was a deep craving within me – I mistook it for lust," he said. "I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough – to get the right one. I'm ever so happy." As for marriage, he said, "I don't know, get married, you say? That would be good, isn't it? I want to have children – that would be good." [People]
• Though Nas admitted he'd been smoking weed and failed several sobriety tests when he was pulled over for DUI in September he says, "You know what it is ... profiling man ... but you, they can't stop a good man from shining, man." [TMZ]
• Heidi Androl of The Apprentice was pulled over for DUI around 3 a.m. because someone called the police to report that she was driving only 35 on the California Freeway. She performed "poorly" on several field sobriety tests. [TMZ]
• Chaz Bono and his girlfriend Jennifer Elia bought children's books at Kitson for Kids this weekend, so Jennifer must be pregnant. [Perez Hilton]
• Andrew McCarthy is going to direct an episode of Gossip Girl in the spring. He says the show's stars are different from the Brat Pack because, "They are much more savvy than we were... We were just a bunch of dumb kids running around." [People]
• Eminem's new song "Elevator," Includes this line: "Sorry, Lance, Mr. Lambert, and Aiken ain't gonna make it/ They get so mad, when I call them both fake/ It's all these fucking voices in my head, I can't take it." It seems tame for him, but he pronounces "fake it's" as "faggots." Adam Lambert Tweeted: "Wow, Eminem mentioned me in a song?! I must be doing something right!? Even if he used the 'F word,'" Clay Aiken and Lance Bass haven't responded. [N.Y. Magazine]
• Sadie Frost says she doesn't know or care if Jude Law and Sienna Miller are back together: "I don't really know what the situation is, because it doesn't affect me. They're in the same circles, I'm sure they're friends, it's not my business to ask." [Telegraph]
• South Africans are mad that Jennifer Hudson has been cast as Winnie Madikizela-Mandela in an upcoming film instead of a native actress. In a press conference, the president of the Creative Workers Union of South Africa said, "We want to develop our own Hollywood, and yet we keep bringing in imports." [Times Online]
• A couple from Michigan was arrested for allegedly blackmailing John Stamos for $700,000 and threatening to release photos of Stamos from a 2004 party that would "hurt his reputation." [The Smoking Gun]
• According to an account posted on Weezer's website, their tour bus crashed early yesterday morning in upstate New York when the bus slid on black ice and dropped about 10 feet into a ditch. Rivers Cuomo cracked three ribs, but thankfully his wife and baby, who were also on the bus, were uninjured. [N.Y. Magazine]
• Al Pacino will play Shylock in Shakespeare in the Park's production of The Merchant of Venice this summer. He previously played Shylock in a 2004 film. [NYT]
• American Family Insurance has taken a cue from Domino's and pulled it's ads from the MTV show Jersey Shore. "After seeing this show over the weekend, had we known the content, we would not have placed our ads on this show," said a rep. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston hosted a party for 100 friends and employees at her house on Sunday. "Jen loves Christmas, and her house was festively decorated with a huge tree, twinkling Christmas lights and fragrant flower arrangements," says a guest. [People]
• There was speculation that Morrissey cut short a concert in Las Vegas because he was offended by drunken audience member vomiting and brawling, but he cancelled a concert the next day because he had "blown out his voice." [Daily Express]
• Jenny McCarthy says she's excited that Jim Carrey's daughter Jane Carrey is expecting a baby. "I think he's going to make the world's best [grandfather] because he is so animated," said Jenny. "I also think I am going to rock as the grandma. I love her and I am excited about this baby." [People]
• Eddie Vedder and Jill McCormick, the mother of his two daughters, got engaged this weekend. [E!]
• Jenna Fischer announced that her wedding to Lee Kirk will take place next summer in L.A. "We just got our save the date cards in, and they're adorable – after many hours and many proofs later," Fischer says. "We're going to hold them until after the holidays before sending them out so they don't get lost in the holiday mail. They were fun to pick out and [it] was a very fun girlie experience to touch the paper." [People]
• Padma Lakshmi spoke about suffering from endometriosis at MIT, where researchers are developing new treatments for the illness. "I guard my privacy closely, and it seems contradictory when I'm standing here, talking about my period," she said. "But you always have to remember the greater goal. What's more important — my privacy, or the lives of women? I chose the latter." [Reuters]
• The Bonnie Hunt Show has been cancelled. [Perez Hilton]
• Brian Bonsall, who played Andy on Family Ties, was arrested this weekend for allegedly hitting his friend in the face with part of a bar stool. There was already a bench warrant out for his arrest from a 2007 assault charge. [TMZ]
• Michelle Rodriguez says working on Avatar was "like working on Star Wars — the first one. You know how now you watch Star Wars [Episode I in 1999] and you're like 'I could've rented or bought the video game then I'd be in control of what's happening' — because everything's so digital and it doesn't feel real. But you watch the first one [Episode IV in 1977] and I don't know how you feel, but I wonder, 'Why does this feel so much greater than the digitized world he [George Lucas] created now?' And I realize it's because of the props. And that's the kind of live-action world that [James Cameron] created." [L.A. Times]
• Glee's Mark Salling says, "I hate the mohawk... It was cool for a while, but I've had it for like a year, you know I'm kind of over it. I feel better when I don't have it." [People]
• Reese Witherspoon says she's forgiven British Prime Minister Gordon Brown for mistaking her for Renee Zellweger last week when she spoke to Parliament about domestic violence. Reese said: "She's lovely and she's short and blond and southern. So I understand! She actually called up a (mutual) friend of ours and said she'd heard about it (Brown's mistake) - it happens all the time. I have a dog and I took the dog to the vet, and they said, 'No no, we're waiting for Renee Zellweger's dog' and I said, 'Actually this is my dog.' Everybody gets us confused a lot. But there's worse people to be confused with other than a lovely actress!" [Daily Express]

• 'Sup Twihards? This column alleges Robert Pattinson is a "hot property" thanks to New Moon's record-breaking box office this weekend…

The flick sold more tix on opening day than The Dark Knight did last year. Personally, I don't think the Sparkle Vamp did it all alone: The story, KStew, and the Buff Werewolf deserve part of the blame credit. [Daily Mail]

• Fans pretended they were guests of the Bowery Hotel so they could catch a glimpse of Robert Pattinson drinking in the hotel bar. [Gatecrasher]
• Despite being painfully tedious, New Moon earned $140.7 million during its first three days of release in the US and Canada, and is now third behind The Dark Knight and Spider-Man 2 in terms of record opening weekends. [Reuters]
• Sandra Bullock had a big weekend as well: The Blind Side made about $34.5 million, the best opening of her career — just over The Proposal's $33.6 million weekend. [ONTD via Entertainment Weekly]
• Last night at the AMAs, Michael Jackson won four, but Taylor Swift walked away with six, including artists of the year. [USA Today]
• This piece claims that Miley Cyrus' '80s-themed 17th birthday bash was a surprise party, but didn't we hear that she wore a Pretty Woman ensemble? She must have been tipped off. [People]
• What kind of fuckery is this? Amy Winehouse proposed to Blake Fielder Civil? And he said yes? Blaaaaake allegedly told a source: "We've been talking on the phone five or six times a day. On Friday she told me she was going to put the engagement ring [I gave her the first time around] on. We'd changed our status to married on Facebook a couple of weeks back but that was more of a laugh. This is the real deal. She told me she wanted to get married again. I feel so happy." [News Of The World]
• Lindsay Lohan allegedly wanted to pick up a bunch of stuff from trendy LA store Kitson — without paying. A source says it's ridiculous, especially since the store carries her 6126 leggings line: "We're actually really offended. The tables have turned and now we're the customer. We spent $50,000 on her leggings line, but she hasn't come to the store in three years, and she didn't even do a personal appearance. She should have brought cookies for the staff to thank them for selling her leggings because she does nothing. We don't know if we'll continue to carry them." [Daily Express]
• Britney Spears invited several girls from a children's hospital backstage before a show in Sydney, Australia. A nice gesture, and also an attempt to get the lip-sync stories out of the news? [Radar Online]
• Seven bulls being used in the Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz movie Knight & Day (previously titled Wichita) escaped and ran through the streets of Cadiz, Spain. Two people were hurt as the bulls headed for the beach. [EW]
• Nicole Kidman, Kate Hudson, Pierce Brosnan and Neil Patrick Harris attended the 2009 CNN Heroes Awards, honoring people who make a difference in the lives of others. [NY Daily News]
• If you watch Jude Law do yoga on the balcony of his apartment, he will throw oranges at you. You've been warned. [Just Jared]
• Jude Law and Sienna Miller: Back on? They were spotted out at a club doing shots, holding hands, acting cozy, etc. [Gatecrasher]
• Are Jude Law and Colin Farrell better as supporting actors? [NY Mag]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin had an all-day mediation hearing in Pennsylvania on Saturday, and Jon "didn't dispute Kate having primary custody of the kids," according to a source. Jon showed up with a bouquet of roses, which Kate refused to take: "In what should have been their most serious moment as a couple," says the source, "Jon again resorted to a publicity stunt." [People, Us]
• Heidi Klum's request to become Heidi Samuel: Approved. [NY Daily News]
• Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson celebrated Bronx Mowgli's first birthday with a bouncehouse, a cake and someone dressed as SpongeBob. And, presumably: Flatirons; eyeliner. [People]
• LOL: "Harry Potter actor Daniel Radcliffe defended by Draco Malfoy in cannabis row." [Telegraph]
• Eyeroll: Lauren Conrad has a style book coming out next fall. [NY Daily News]
• The Discovery Channel is psyched to be partnering with Oprah in her attempts to create OWN, the Oprah Winfrey Network. [UPI]
• At the link, quotes from Ellen DeGeneres, Gayle King and Martha Stewart about Oprah and her decision to end her show; Gayle says: "Oprah always makes the best decision for herself… And I have a feeling she will come up with some things to do. We don't need to worry about her filling her time, I promise you that." [NY Daily News]
• Robin Thicke and wife Paula Patton are expecting their first child in May and have already picked names: "We like Julian if it's a boy and Isabella if it's a girl," he says. Personally I think it's weird (possibly unlucky) to name so early… and to tell People. Thoughts? [People]
• Meg Ryan and Nip/Tuck's Julian McMahon? Going on dates? He's Australian, like Russell Crowe, with whom Meg allegedly had an affair, thus ending her marriage to Dennis Quaid. Oh, and McMahon maybe has a girlfriend. [News.com.au]
• Investigators found a receipt showing that Dr. Conrad Murray purchased propofol on May 12 and administered doses from that batch to Michael Jackson in the hours before his death on June 25. [NY Post]
• Gwen Stefani and Jon Bon Jovi are suing ally's Saloon and Eatery in Minneapolis, Minnesota for playing their songs without the proper music license. (?!?!) [Daily Express]
• U2 will headline the Glastonbury festival on Friday night. [The Sun]
• Aerosmith is not looking for a new lead singer, despite reports to the contrary. [UPI]
• Levi Johnston's mom: Going to jail on an intent to distribute OxyContin charge. [NY Post]
• This column asks if Leona Lewis will have Titanic-style success with her theme song for James Cameron's Avatar, but I doubt the movie will enjoy Titanic-style adoration. [LA Times]
• Robbie Williams is looking for investors, if you have $83 mil. [Reuters]
• Creed's Scott Stapp tells Spin magazine there's no actual sex in his 1999 sex tape. You know, the one where he and Kid Rock were on a bus with groupies and received oral sex? [Page Six]
• Jenna Ushkowitz, aka "Goth girl Tina Cohen-Chang" on Glee, says the whole cast is close: "It's disgusting how much we all really love each other." [NY Post]
• Major eyeroll: Carrie Prejean's brother says, "I'm all the way against gay marriage. I don't feel that it's right that a man and a man should raise a kid." [Radar Online]
• Unsolicited uterus update: Personal girlcrush Monica Bellucci is three months pregnant. (Her husband, Vincent Cassel, is easy on the eyes as well.) [ONTD via MediaFax]
• Rachael Ray gave Diddy a diamond cuff for his birthday. [Page Six]
• Q. You're 45 and dating very attractive 26-year-old Hollywood actress Amber Tamblyn. Do you give hope to baldies everywhere?
  A: "If you want to use me as an example, sure. But I think it would be a false hope. It's certainly not my looks that are reeling in the ladies. It's more about my completely average-sized cock. — David Cross. [Guardian]
• "British TV personality David Frost will be honored at the 37th Annual International Emmy Awards for a wide-ranging career that has taken him from pioneering political satire on television to conducting serious interviews with former President Richard Nixon and other newsmakers." [NY Times]
• Skater Tai Babilonia will wear skates, a tiny flesh-coloredthing and a sign across her chest while gliding through Rockefeller Center's ice rink for PETA's "Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" campaign. [Page Six]
• "A Canadian man has admitted shoving Noel Gallagher at an Oasis concert in Toronto in September 2008, claiming he was drunk at the time." [Guardian]
• Whatshername quit I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. [Daily Mail]
• "Fuck them, what else can I say? Why doesn't that little bitch that wrote that try and write a song — which they wont be able to do and that's why they're sitting behind their little computer, eating their little chips and writing that hateful shit — why don't they write their own song and see what they can come up with?" — Michael Bublé, on a journalist who described his music as being as "cheesy as a quesadilla." [News.com.au]
• "People always compliment me on my performance in the movie, but I cannot take credit for it at all because I truly had no idea what the film was about." — Christina Ricci on The Ice Storm. [Gatecrasher]
• "Age is no issue to me. Fifty is the new 30. Seventy is the new 50. There are no rules that say you have to dress a certain way, or be a certain way. We are living in exciting times for women. Keep up with fashion, keep up with your figure and the clothes you wear. If you look good and you can still do it, then go and do it. I have never worried about age. I am vain. When I look in the mirror, I want to look good to myself. I'm kind of OK with how I'm ageing." — Tina Turner. [Daily Express]
• "We've seen female pop and rock performers do that for the last 10 years. They've been very provocative, owning their power and sexuality. You just don't see men doing it very often. And I'm hoping to break down that double standard with this number." — Adam Lambert on his performance in which "he thrusts a leather-clad male backup dancer's face toward his crotch, and later flashes a knowing smile as he strokes the same dancer's cheek after plowing through a door that swings both ways." [AP]
• "Obama's best material during the campaign was cherry-picked from the things Kucinich had been talking about for a long time. And Kucinich continues to be really the people's congressman. He is the one with the most conscience regarding health care, the banking issue, the bailout. He's the guy who said we should not go into Iraq, and was called a traitor for it. He was a guy who said, 'This Patriot Act is not a good thing, we should not vote for it.' Even people in his own party were saying, 'Why do you say that?' And he says, 'Because I read it,' and there was silence. 'Cause none of them had read it. They just voted yes because they were told to. Same with health care stuff." — Viggo Mortensen. [Mother Jones]
• "I had a girl faint on me. And then the criers. And then the cougars-the Twi-Moms-always come after us. That's been very surreal, because we've had phone numbers slipped in our back pockets. It's like we're The Beatles." — Chaske Spencer, aka New Moon's wolf pack leader Sam Uley. [EW]
• "During World War II, when money was tight, everything was rationed and the most basic commodities impossible to find, women went out of their way to look as attractive as possible… They always wore red lipstick and would melt remnants into tiny containers so as not to waste any, then use a brush to apply it with great care.… here we are in the middle of yet another great recession, depression, slump - whatever our politicians care to call it - and money is tighter than an 18th-century corset. Women still need to cheer themselves up, so what better way to do it than to decorate their faces? I believe that 90 per cent of women can look prettier, healthier and happier in red lipstick, the only disadvantage being that it can leave its mark on a friend's cheek… What better way to face the world than with a perfect face, great hair and good nails? And for those critics who pooh-pooh this idea, let me say to them: just try it. It works - I know it does." — from a column written by Joan Collins. [Daily Mail]
• "I am really in love. I am really happy. Chivalry, opening doors for a woman. It is a big thing. My boyfriend still takes me out for dinner every week. He won't tell me where we are going. He puts on a suit and just takes me out and treats me like a lady." — Lily Allen. [Daily Mail]
• "As an English actress, you have to don a bonnet at some point. This was my time. There was a tsunami of women behind me wanting the role, so I sort of bullied myself in. Many period films are very arch and stiff, and I don't respond to the characters. If I see 'the rebellious English rose' in stage directions, I'm already bored. But this was a girl who was willing to expose herself to the world. That was what was different for me." — Emily Blunt. [NY Mag]
• "I mean, 75 years. That's a long time. [The black experience] is a major part of the story of America. And Disney is excited about telling it. I'm deeply honored to be involved. On the flip side of that, it's not a black movie. It's a movie that has a young black woman as the title character, but it's a story for everyone. I think that anybody can look at this movie and say, 'I remember when I was yearning for something and it was so difficult and I had to work so hard.' That's the beautiful thing about it - it's so inclusive." — Anika Noni Rose on The Princess And The Frog. [NY Daily News]
• "There are certain expressions lifted right off of my face… When she's smiling, she lights up the screen. She has my nose. There's a certain scene toward the end where she has a change in hairdo, in a fantasy sequence, where she looks dead-on." — Anika Noni Rose on Tiana in The Princess And The Frog. [NY Daily News]
• "Pam is due to have her baby in February. I don't know what it is. It's going to be a surprise. There have been a lot of discussions about it but no decision has been made yet. So it's really like a real pregnancy. I think we're going to find out when they write it. What I'm having. It should be really interesting… I don't know if it's that she has chosen not to, but they've chosen not to reveal it. I don't know if you've noticed, but she's always referring to her baby as, like, in things that are not gender-specific." — Jenna Fischer, aka Pam on The Office. [Pop Eater]

The Silver Fox delivers both silver and fox. As if we expected anything less.


Carrie Underwood is the beautiful prom queen who just keeps on getting prettier and prettier after high school. Dammit.


Eva Mendes' dress is adorable, and she looks adorable in it.

Ricki Lake's little black dress is simple but stylish. Go Ricki, and so on and so forth.


There's something a little off about The Rock's suit, isn't there? Like he's dressed as a chaperone at a fancy middle school dance?
It really doesn't matter what Terrence Howard wears. I can't look at him without thinking of baby wipes.


I love Melinda McGraw's dress, if only because it reminds me of something my Midge doll wore in 1987. I mean that in the very best way.


I love the color of Kate Flannery's dress, but I'm not sure about the cut. And the lipstick is a bit too matchy-matchy, I'm afraid.


Every time I see a picture of Jenna Fischer on the red carpet, she looks incredibly uncomfortable. This is no exception. The dress is pretty, though, and she's rocking one of the trends of the evening: big hair.


I don't know what Creed from the Office is doing on the red carpet, but I LOVE IT. I'm hoping a story comes out later tonight that details how Creed stole Anderson Cooper's tie and sold it on Ebay for 20 dollars and a pack of cigarettes or something of the sort.


Laila Ali looks lovely in this purple gown. Purple, like sparkles and big hair, was also a noticeable trend for this event.


Leona Lewis, as you can see, hopped aboard the Purple Train as well. I'm not so sure about this dress.


Debi Mazar's dress is really cute, but the fit seems a bit off, doesn't it?


Neil Patrick Harris knows how to suit up, obviously.


Annalynne McCord's hero is clearly Kate Gosselin.

• Kate Gossselin will be going after Jon Gosselin for "raiding" their joint bank account.

Apparently there's a court order prohibiting Jon or Kate from withdrawing any money from the account without he consent of both parties; yet Jon's taken $200,00 out. [TMZ]

• Kate Gosselin's lawyer says: "If the money is not immediately returned, we will be looking into potential claims against [Jon's lawyer] if he had any involvement with the violation of the court order… It is very disappointing that Jon Gosselin has escalated this to such an ugly place." [Radar Online, TMZ]
• Jon Gosselin's attorney, Mark Heller, was once suspended from practicing law for five years due to "professional misconduct." This was between 1994 and 1999. [Radar Online]
• BREAKING: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt took Knox and Vivi out in public! They visited a gelato store in Amman, Jordan! Pix at the link! ZOMG TWINZZZ. [Daily Mail]
• Even before David Letterman became involved with staffer Stephanie Birkitt, he had a "secret affair" with intern Holly Hester in the '90s, and his relationship with personal assistant Laurie Diamond is described as "particularly flirtatious." In addition, a source says: "Dave has a great track record of promoting women on the show — three of the five executive producers are women, and all of them have been with him for more than 20 years." [NY Post]
• Simon Cowell's 50th birthday party at sprawling estate Wrotham Park featured a huge image of Simon's smirking face, projected on an outside wall of the mansion; waiters wearing masks of Simon's face; a performance by Earth, Wind and Fire; and burlesque dancers, who whipped Ryan Seacrest. [NY Post]
• Miley Cyrus had to cancel a concert over the weekend because she is still battling strep throat. [UPI]
• Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem: Engaged. Supposedly. [Rush & Molloy]
• Elton John and David Furnish are still hoping to adopt. They'll have to put the Ukrainian toddler Elton fell in love with out of their minds, however: Furnish says, "When we found out he had a maternal grandmother, and brother and sister, we realized it wouldn't be the right thing to take him away from the family he had there. We would love to adopt Lev, but that does not seem possible under Ukrainian rules." [Daily Express]
• The mother of the toddler Elton John wanted to adopt says she will not give her kid up; the boy is in a children's home because she's an alcoholic and he was taken by social workers. [The Sun]
• "Switzerland would have arrested film director Roman Polanski on earlier visits to the country if justice authorities had been aware of his presence, a Swiss minister said in an interview published on Sunday." [Reuters]
• Precious got a standing ovation at the New York Film Festival over the weekend; Roger Friedman writes: "Expect Oscar nominations for Best Picture, Director, Adapted Screenplay, Actress (Gabby Sidibe), and one or more Supporting Actresses (Mariah, Mo'Nique)." [Showbiz 411]
• The problem with Precious? Mo'nique did not show up for the NYFF, just as she "ditched" her promotional duties during the Toronto Film Festival. [Gatecrasher]
• John Travolta testified that his son was autistic, which is in conflict with Scientology's "unofficial position" on the condition. But, this report claims, Travolta remains "firmly committed" to the Church. [TMZ]
• A DNA test has confirmed that Jude Law is indeed the father of Samantha Burke's baby. This paper calls Jude and Samantha's relationship "a brief love affair," but weren't you under the impression it was a one night stand? [Daily Express]
• Jenna Fischer's on the cover of Shape doing the classic Shape pose: Standing in water in a bikini. [JustJared]
• Chris Noth: Engaged. [People]
• A Facebook campaign has helped get an indie film starring Harry Potter redhead Rupert Grint get a distribution deal in Britain. Grint plays a Northern Irish teenager who takes drugs… and is featured in intimate bedroom scenes. In other words: Not Ron Weasely. [Gatecrasher]
• At the link, the Seinfeld cast spills about the Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Jason Alexander, aka George Costanza, says: "It was so bizarre, I can't even describe it. It negated the idea that time had passed at all, and I was actually grateful that some of the elements of the apartment set were different, [so] it wasn't a complete mindfuck." [EW's Hollywood Insider]
• At a party in LA, Family Guy's Seth MacFarlane put the moves on Dianna Agron, aka Quinn Fabray from Glee. She wasn't interested. [Gatecrasher]
• Shia LaBeouf blatantly checks out hot chicks even when his girlfriend, Carey Mulligan, is right next to him. [Gatecrasher]
• Madonna's daughter Lourdes Leon wants to be an actress when she grows up. Do you think she's seen Swept Away ? [Daily Mail]
• Russell Crowe is in Robin Hood and is taking the character to heart: He got filmmakers to gift a £60,000 prop — a battering ram — to extras on his film, who are in a battle re-enactment group. [Daily Express]
• Beer and doughnut loving Homer Simpson in an anti-obesity campaign sponsored by the Department of Health?!?! [Mirror]
• "Housewife Kandi Burruss Devastated By Fiancé's Death."[People]
• In this piece, Vince Vaughn plays shrink and diagnoses the four couples from Couples Retreat, which he co-wrote and produced. [USA Today]
• On Carrie Fisher's Wishful Drinking: "hilariously perceptive journey" "chock-full of funny, fascinating tales." [AP]
• "Drinking is a perfectly pleasant trifle - nothing that requires or inspires great emotional commitment, but fine for a one-night stand." [USA Today]
• James Blunt has been dumped. [Daily Express]
• Candy Spelling had neck surgery and is currently in a full-body cast. [TMZ]
• As mentioned last week, Quentin Tarantino has confirmed that he will be making a third Kill Bill movie. [Variety]
• Q: I heard a rumor that you run on a treadmill in heels and sing. A: "[Laughs] No, I don't run on a treadmill in heels. That's a bit extreme. But I do practice my choreography in heels. And I have a rule that when I have my heels on, everyone has to have their heels on too. Sometimes the dancers are like, 'Oh, God, we hope Beyonce comes in late,' because I'll go all day. And in the end, I'll have blisters and my toes will have bruises. It's really hard sometimes. I still do all the boring things that everyone else does in regular workouts like squats and the treadmill. But I mainly get in shape from doing the choreography during those long 12-hour rehearsals for two months before a tour." — Beyoncé. [Reuters]
• "I'd like to get involved in videogames since I really love Wii Fit. I think it would be a great idea to incorporate choreography because for me my workout is way more fun when it involves dancing as opposed to running on a boring treadmill. So I would love to do some kind of fitness game but incorporate dance and performance into it. I think a lot of women would enjoy that." — Beyoncé. [Reuters]
• "When he walked on the stage I was like no, no, no! I knew his intentions and I knew he was standing up for art… [In the end] Taylor Swift had her moment and I didn't have to give an acceptance speech!" Beyoncé on the Kanye/VMA incident. [Mirror]
• "We mutually decided to cancel the tour. He's going to take some time off, but I'm not. Kanye and I talked about it. We talked about it a lot, as well as with Live Nation…" — Lady Gaga, who has just announced a solo tour now that the "Fame Kills" tour with Kanye West has been canceled. [Variety]
• "We're calling it a ‘vacation.' He's going away to get things sorted out." — a "source" on Kanye West possibly going to rehab. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "I went to the doctor and had an AIDS test and he told me it was positive. That was one of the worst days of my life." — Ozzy Osbourne, who did another HIV test, which came back negative. [Telegraph]
• "For the first time in my life I'm legal to drive — so watch out." — Ozzy Osbourne, who passed his driving test after the 19th attempt. [The Sun]
• "It was the most physical pain I've ever experienced. There was crying. But then you'd feel so good about falling and then getting back up and doing it again… I've never been to an overnight camp, but it felt like what I imagine that to be. Drew was just one of the girls. We'd skate and then go to the break room and talk about boys. She makes everyone feel like the most important person in the room." — Ari Graynor, aka Eva Destruction, on making Whip It. [NY Mag]
• "I know you're supposed to tell kids not to do drugs, but, kids, do it! Do weed! Don't do the other stuff, but weed is good… What you want to do is what I did, build a movie empire and, at age 38, smoke it all away." — Kevin Smith. [Page Six]
• "It is kind of disturbing, but so is putting yourself out there as far as relationships or friendships goes. It is scary and sometimes you are taking a risk. If you aren't prepared to do that you're going to have very safe options in your life, but they won't be the most exciting ones." — Anna Paquin, on vampire/human relationships in True Blood. [Telegraph]

Oh yes, I did: I love Padma, but this simply has too much going on, none of it good. And I have a particular aversion to tumor-like embellishment.


Sarah Silverman's Velasquez-worthy panniers are...incredibly unflattering. That's all I'll say.


Patricia Arquette usually makes her way into this category for something more spectacular; this was merely dowdy.


Adore Jessica Lange, adore the color, adore the old-school-glam concept: it's only the fit that gives me pause.


Jenna Fischer makes the mistake of taking style tips from Belle Watling.


I concede that Blake Lively's plunging gown was borderline: I think it's the Vegas-ready sequin detailing that put it over the edge.


There's only one word for the fabrication of Hope Davis' gown: "wizard."


I actually gasped at the frumpiness of the normally-chic Kyra Sedgwick's grotesquely mumsy drapery. It's as if a mother-in-law who hated her chose her outfit.


Nancy O'Dell lives down to her usual red carpet standard. And yes, I am still bitter that she got Austin kicked off.


Eva La Rue's crummy-looking gown's not even Vegas: it's Atlantic City.


Whatever Jessica Lowndes envisioned, I'm guessing it wasn't this shepherdess debacle.


I wonder who Victoria Rowell voted for? And I'm just going to say it: "man's face, enormous" is generally a bad idea for a gown pattern.

[Images via Getty]

Angelina Jolie channels Lara Croft - or Megan Fox - and it looks really uncomfortable in all kinds of ways. Not that, as her PR flacks would remind us EVERYONE IN THE WORLD DOESN'T STILL WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER STRAIGHT MEN GAY MEN LESBIANS STRAIGHT WOMEN BOW DOWN!


Yeah, everyone kinda misses the Buffalo 66 look. But there's something to be said for Christina Ricci just embracing Blythe Doll.


I'm sure we've seen this dress before (yay!), but - maybe because of her loyalty to former employer Kaiser Karl - when I picture Diane Kruger it's always in something like this: feather-embellished and fuzzy and haute.


Okay, I don't think Jenna Fischer's Grecian is the most flattering on her, although if she'd worked in a more structured fabric, it could have succeeded. Sometimes it seems like, instead of angels and devils, she's got a little "dowdy monster" on her shoulder whispering bad fashion advice.


Okay, so, I always love me some slightly-mature Valley of the Dolls, and Carla Gugino's rocking it. You will notice I am making no objection to the grape hue. I am working on it. I even - get this - just got a vintage bike with a carriage the color of Beaujolais Nouveau. It's called "The Sophisticate." And since my nom de guerre is "the petite sophisticate," it's like the universe was telling me that it was time to put aside my purple issues and move on.


I'm actually very interested to see what happens when Maria Menounos lifts her arms: does it suddenly skew poncho? Skirt? Or mini?


Do I love this corset action? No. Does it feel a little "romanticized bordello?" Yes. Does Melanie Laurent look stunning? You betcha.


See, I think I could like Jessica Lowndes' frock if my eye weren't distracted by her equally shiny accessories - which I just want to pick up in my beak and hoard in my nest.


Sue me. I love Bridget Fonda's 50's bohemian. You just know she cooks with garlic and likes folk music.

[Images via Getty]

• Victoria Beckham had her first day on the set of American Idol on Friday and a source says: "It didn't go well." Why ever not?

"She tried to hard to be 'nice,' but came off as icy and wooden," a source revealed. Plus: Contestants were disappointed not to see Paula on the panel. [Radar Online]

• Before she started judging, Victoria Beckham told Ryan Seacrest: "I'm going to try hard to pout and not shatter the illusion that I'm a moody cow, but I don't know if I can - I'm just so happy." [Daily Mail]
• Meanwhile, ABC has reached out to Paula Abdul about joining Dancing With The Stars. as a judge or a contestant. [Variety]
• Olivia Newton-John's former boyfriend, Patrick McDermott, presumed dead since 2005, is alive in Mexico and wishes to be left alone. He reportedly owes back child support to his ex-wife, which may be one of the reasons he disappeared. [Daily Mail]
• Behold: A picture of Real Housewives Kim Zolciak with her "Big Poppa." [TMZ]
• Jon Gosselin will sit down for an interview with E!, and react to whatever Kate Gosselin says on the Today show today. So there's a Jon special on E! tonight — and tomorrow night, a full interview. [E!]
• Kate Major continues to attempt to be relevant. [E!]
• Jeremy Piven and Chris Kattan got into a screaming match backstage at MTV on Thursday: Kattan said "So, what are you here to promote, your Broadway play?" and Piven said Well, what are you here to promote? Mango?" Tempers flared. Doors slammed. Obscenities were yelled. Funny dudes can't take jokes? [Gatecrasher]
• Sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were spotted at a Bobby Long concert in L.A. on Thursday night. Because their love is destiny, people! And what is a sparkle vamp without a ladylove? According to this report: "After the show, a cab spirited them off into the night." [ET]
• "Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart heat up with low-key date nights and hotel sleepovers." [NY Daily News]
• Pattinson had a low-key night out… not in a Manhattan hot spot. On Long Island. [Page Six]
• A man accused of sending death threats to Beyoncé and Jay-Z will have to undergo a mental evaluation, duh. [Daily Express]
• "America's other first couple: Beyoncé and Jay-Z are black America's second most famous couple: young, rich and with a direct line to the White House." [Times Of London]
• Is Guy Ritchie dating Iron Man actress Mellany Gandara? [Daily Express]
• Katherine Jackson's lawyer L. Londell McMillan says: "She's got her grandchildren, they're set. She's starting to rock and roll. She's getting her grandma swagger back. But she has been busy trying to make sure that these children will be provided for." [People]
• Mark Lester, who was in the 1968 film Oliver!, and is the godfather of Michael Jackson's kids, says he could be the biological father of Paris Jackson. This paper puts a picture of Paris side by side with a picture of Lester's daughter and survey says: Probably not. But does Paris have long ears like Arnold Klein? [Daily Mail]
• "Longtime Michael Jackson friend Mark Lester is not the father of Jackson's daughter, nor is he claiming paternity, despite a tabloid report indicating Lester says he's Paris Jackson's biological dad, sources tell People." [People]
• A source says that Michael Jackson was super excited about his upcoming tour. "He even said to me on several occasions, 'I am going to give everything I have. He even said, I'll die on the stage if I have to. It gives me the chills thinking about it now." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Michael Jackson's body was finally buried at Forest Lawn Cemetery in the Hollywood Hills. No ceremony, no fans. The exact location is a secret. [Mirror]
• Presented without comment: "A doctor has revealed how he prescribed Michael Jackson a 'chemical castration' drug to suppress his sexual urges towards under-age boys." [Mirror]
• ABC entertainment president Stephen McPherson on Katherine Heigl's latest anti-Grey's Anatomy tirade: "People will behave in a way they choose to behave. There are so many people who work unbelievably hard on Grey's… so I think it's really hard for them to hear [her complain about working a 17-hour day]." [EW]
• Jenna Fischer says: "I always see these tabloid reports about certain people being 'Spotted Without Their Wedding Ring!' like it's some big deal… [I don't wear my ring because I] would have to take it off and leave it in my trailer, which I would never do. They aren't that secure. Break-ins happen all the time. So if I go someplace after work I could be 'spotted' without my ring. It means nothing." [People]
• How did Ashlee Simpson lose her "baby weight"? Luck. "After I had Bronx I lucked out. I mean, I'm 24 years old. I have the genes from my mother and I did work out for three months." [The Sun]
• "A Night Out With Holly Madison" reveals that she calls a vodka and water "The Skinny Bitch," and later announces: "Chicken fingers are seriously, like, my favorite food." [NY Times]
• Kelsey Grammer says the cancellation of his TV series Back To You may have contributed to his heart attack in 2008. "When they examined my arteries, there was no blocked arteries. I had no cholesterol buildup. I had an event that they think was stress-related." [UPI]
• Madonna's boyfriend, model Jesus Luz, would like to be a DJ. [Page Six]
• Just a reminder: Vanessa Hudgens plays Sa5m in Bandslam, but the 5 is silent. Her character "is an emo girl who speaks slowly because of a stutter, resembles Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club and is ostensibly the female lead, Ms. Hudgens argues to the contrary." [NY Times]
• Shannon Elizabeth and Derek Hough: Broken up. They will "remain friends." [UPI]
• Tracy Morgan and his wife Sabina have been married for 23 years, but reportedly spent the last eight living apart. Morgan has decided to file for divorce, maybe because he took some cornbread behind a middle school and got it pregnant. [TMZ]
• Lady GaGa says she wore that Kermit coat as a statement: "I thought it was [a] commentary on not wearing fur, 'cause I hate fur and I don't wear fur." Naturally, now PETA would like for her to pose nude in an ad campaign. [TMZ]
• Cheech Marin married longtime girlfriend Natasha Rubin over the weekned. [People]
• If you do nothing else today, for the love of Kirk, read this William Shatner interview. It's crazyinsane. A snippet: So what is your relationship with Conan really like when the cameras are off? "It's great, he folds me into his arms and I come up to his belly button. So I suckle on his belly button and he holds me close." [Time]
• Just what your Monday morning needs: An anecdote about Mick Jagger's penis. [Page Six]
• Whatshisname says Whatshername is disgusting because she let her four-year-old son see her in bed with her new lover. [The Sun]
• "Because I'm pretty everybody thinks I'm stupid. But you don't have to play a victim. You have to show who you are to make the others come to discover you." — Monica Bellucci. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• "I don't sit there and think 'well I did Confessions of a Shopaholic and now I've got to go out and do Chekhov.' If the next one that comes along happens to be another romantic comedy and I find something in it that appeals to me then great. I operate on almost no system at all." — Hugh Dancy. [Independent]
• "I had a conversation with one of the scientists, and I was saying how I interviewed some [little] kids. I asked him what his opinion was, because I was like, 'Oh, it's really sweet, their idea of love is so pure.' And he was like, 'They don't really understand what love is because they haven't got their hormones and they haven't had sex and they haven't had that many relationships.' And I'm like, it doesn't mean that you can't experience love. Just the fact that you've been in one relationship doesn't devalue how you feel about someone. One of the couples in the film met when they were fourteen and their parents were like, 'That's puppy love.' They ended up being together for over fifty years. So I think people are biased against age." — Charlyne Yi. [Nerve]
• "She knew that I wanted to paint and make music. Eventually she said: ‘do it!' She encouraged me to go forward without fear . So it's all thanks to my wife, who knew that I had done a lot of acting over the years and suggested maybe it was time to start doing something else." — Anthony Hopkins, who has an exhibition of his paintings in Tuscany and also composes orchestral work. [Daily Express]
• Q. Does it feel odd to be putting young designers out in the world when the fashion world is in extreme crisis? A. "I think that everything is kind of in crisis. But what are you going to do? Is everyone going to stop working? I think the best will always succeed in any world. The people who are working hard, I think they will stay out there. In terms of fashion, maybe there are things that are more needed than other things — and the things that people cannot afford, maybe those things will go. But I don't think people should stop their dreams. A lot of our designers, people who have been on in the past, not everyone is self-employed. I think the only one who has become successful is Christian [Siriano] — on their own. I think the others are also successful, not as their own brand. Which I think is also success! They are working under good design houses. Or selling on HSN or Shopping Network." — Heidi Klum, on Project Runway. [LA Times]
• "I grew up on a red dirt road with a tree growing right in the middle of it. We didn't have much, but it never occurred to me that if you wanted to do something you couldn't do it. You can do anything if you try… I came here with a curling iron, two boxes of clothes and $200 in savings." — Nancy Grace. [USA Today]
• "I walk around and don't understand why more people are not smiling, enjoying the day, why they give me stink-eye. I guess being happy must not agree with them. I do not say I am always happy, but I do strive to be cheery." — Amy Adams. [Times Of London]
• "About 50 percent [of Paper Heart is fiction]. Everything with the interview subjects is real, but the plot with Michael Cera is fiction… But I honestly was kind of questioning the idea of love. I'd dropped out of college and I'd just been doing comedy, and I'm kind of like an old lady — when I was 10 I learned how to knit — so, most of my friends would go to clubs [to meet people], but I don't go to clubs or bars because I don't drink. So there was this fear of, how would I meet someone my own age? It's not that I doubted other people's love. It was just about my own concern of whether it could happen to me." — Charlyne Yi [WaPo]
• "You know when you first discovered a hamburger and then you can't live without it? That's what it's like for me with her" — Ashton Kutcher on his love for Demi Moore to Gotham magazine. [Page Six]
• "I'd rather staple my eyelids shut than watch Gwyneth cook." — Bethenny Frankel. [Gatecrasher]

• Lindsay Lohan is being sued by a Florida chemist named Jennifer Sunday, who claims the actress stole the formula for Sevin Nyne tanning mist.

Lindsay says she co-created the formula with Lorit Simon, a Las Vegas businesswoman who air-brushes tans for celebrities. But Simon had signed a confidentiality agreement in January with Sunday's company. By the way, Sevin Nyne is named after Lindsay's lucky numbers. [St. Petersburg Times]

• The Real Housewives Of New York want more cash before they'll return to the show next season. We're talking six figures, a clothing allowance and money for hair and makeup. Bravo is responding by interviewing replacements, haha. [Gatecrasher]
• Are Countess LuAnn de Lesseps and Count Alex on the verge of a reconciliation? [Page Six]
• "Rihanna's Risqué Fashion Choice Of Pasties Ensures No One Looks At Her Hairstyle." [NY Daily News]
• In a ceremony yesterday, Prince William was made an honorary barrister. He says: "I play football, rugby and water polo, not very well, but particularly pride myself in being a quite magnificent armchair centre-back at football and flanker at rugby... and now you have made me a barrister — I promise not to practise, except for the odd speeding ticket." [Telegraph]
• Barack Obama on Michael Jackson: "There are certain figures in our popular culture that just capture peoples' imagination, and in death they become even larger. I have to admit that it's also fed by a 24/7 media that is insatiable." [CBS News]
• The Michael Jackson memorial is today, and Mariah Carey, Stevie Wonder, Usher and Lionel Richie will be taking part. [Reuters]
• Debbie Rowe, biological mother of Michael's children, will not attend. [NY Post]
• Will Michael Jackson's son, Prince Michael Jackson, perform today?!?!?! [MSNBC Scoop]
• The Jackson family was at Forest Lawn Cemetery in Los Angeles last night, viewing the body. [TMZ, People]
• Michael Jackson's mother, Katherine, has turned his bedroom into a shrine, with life-size wax models from Madame Tussauds and his old report cards. [The Sun]
• Word on Michael Jackson's kids — who have not been seen since his death — is that they are with their grandmother, Katherine, and are "doing as OK as can be expected." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Uh-oh: A Liz Taylor-Michael Jackson drug link? This piece details "How Taylor's pill habit fed Jackon's addiction, how the two shared the same doctor, and the warnings they both received." [The Daily Beast]
• In this interview, Brooke Shields — who first met Michael Jackson when she was 13 — says as Michael grew up, "the more asexual he became to me." She also says: "He was like a little kid who talked about the bases - what first base was, what second base was," Shields said. "It sounded very odd to the outside, I can imagine, but to the inside, to someone who's never really left his bubble, you can understand how he would be curious." [AP via Rolling Stone]
• Robin Leach has a blog (!?!) where he writes: "Just 48 hours before his death, Michael Jackson was 'in a high state of stress and emotional drama, fearing that he would never be able to complete the 50-concert run in London, and it would kill him.'" [Vegas Deluxe]
• Ugh, every funny or crazy thing the poor man said is now coming out as a headline. For instance: "Michael Jackson Wanted To Clone Himself." [Mirror]
• In a police report from 2004, five doctors are named as continually prescribing drugs for Michael Jackson. [The Wrap]
• Congressman Peter King — who ranted about MJ over the weekend — has more to say. He calls the coverage of the singer's death an "orgy of glorification." [TMZ]
• Michael Jackson news = huge traffic for TMZ. [AP]
• When Megan Fox went to Michael Bay's house to audition for Transformers, "He made her wash his Ferrari while he filmed her." Apparently this footage is now missing. [Page Six]
• Madonna is in talks to perform on Simon Cowell's X Factor show; Lady GaGa and Rihanna may also make appearances. [The Sun]
• By the by: Madonna has plans to do a concert in Warsaw, Poland on a day celebrating the Virgin Mary; Lech Walesa calls this "Satanic provocation." [Reuters]
• The Office's Jenna Fischer: Engaged! [People]
• A Brit paper claims Kelly Osbourne called Lady GaGa a "butterface": Kelly responds, "I have a big mouth and that's no secret… BUT when words are being put into my mouth and things are being printed that I did not say it really makes me really mad. I am a huge fan of Lady GaGa. If anything i'm slightly jealous of her wardrobe and I am definitely in no position to be calling anyone a butter face." [Perez]
• Diddy's White Party is being called "B-list" because Tila Tequila, Tara Reid and Tom Green were there, but what about Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Russell Brand, Jonah Hill and Lindsay Lohan? [Page Six]
• Twilight star Kellan Lutz and 90210's AnnaLynne McCord are so totally on, but don't want people to know. Luckily, you don't even care, do you? [Page Six]
• Scores, a "gentleman's club" in New York City, has offered Heidi Montag $25,000 to strip. [PopCrunch]
• Paula Abdul calls the American Idol panel a dysfunctional family of sorts." To wit: "I'm the nurturing mom, Simon's the disapproving dad, and Randy's the cool brother." Oh, and forgotten stepsister, whatshername? [AP]
• Here is a sentence from a story about Agyness Deyn's love life: "Agyness Deyn is now all loved up with cheeky Scouse musician Miles Kane from The Rascals, who is also one half of The Last Shadow Puppets." Got it? [The Sun]
• Well, this should be insane: Kathy Griffin will host Comedy Central's roast on Joan Rivers. "I will be roasting Joan with more gentleness and tenderness than her latest chemical peel," quips Kath. [Variety]
• Bruce Willis' Idaho ski lodge burned down earlier this year, and the actor is planning on rebuilding bigger and better. [USA Today]
• Ooh la la: Kristin Scott Thomas will star in a production of A Little Night Music on the stage in Paris. [Variety]
• My übercrush Benicio Del Toro visited a prison in Puerto Rico Monday, telling inmates in a theater group: "I believe everyone needs a second chance… I am here to help reaffirm that as long as there is life, you can still help society in some way, you can improve yourself." [AP]
• Even though Winona Ryder has said a Heathers sequel was "in the works," the film's director, Michael Lehmann, says: "Winona brings it up every once in a while and [writer] Dan Waters and I will joke about it but as far as I know there's no script and no plans to do the sequel. I never thought it made sense to see a sequel to a movie which took place in a specific time and specific place and in which many of the characters got killed off." Well. Fuck me gently with a chain saw. [Daily Express]
• Anna Kournikova was seen with a huge diamond ring on THAT finger but tried to hide it and refused to elaborate. [AP, Page Six]
• Blind item! "Damage control! Which hard-partying actor rushed back to his local AA chapter when he was caught drinking, but is actually still on the sauce?" [Gatecrasher]
• "Quidditch is right up there with the least fun things I've done in Harry Potter. It's not a pleasant experience, it does hurt quite a lot and it's not something I would rush back to." — Daniel Radcliffe. [Telegraph]
• "I've had a cross tattooed over the tattoo I got of his name. I won't get his name removed because he was part of my life but I just want to get on with the divorce now." — Katie "Jordan" Price on estranged hubs Peter Andre. [The Sun]
• "I would like to think I haven't been influenced by him too much just by playing him for so long. I am thrilled to have this in my life, but it is separate from my life, you know? It's nice to be called Dan. And actually I started correcting people now. You do feel like a bit of an idiot doing that, but at the same time, in the long run it is better for us. I know it's better for me." — Daniel Radcliffe, who would like to remind you that he is not actually Harry Potter. [LA Times]

[Las Vegas, March 28. Image via Getty.]

The Good: Renee Zellweger's face scares me. But her dress sure is pretty. Nom nom George Clooney. No comment, Sarah Larson. Dear Mr. and Mrs. Clooney: You done good. You know how I don't like jeans on the red carpet? One exception: The pregnant. It's Rick Schroder. And Rick Schroder's son, who looks just like... Rick Schroder. Gorgeous Goran Visnjic and wife!

The Bad: Cindy Crawford looks fierce and all, but her dress seems a little dated, no? Why does Jenna Fischer look so uncomfortable? Adrienne Frantz looks like she's ready to baby-sit. Oh, Nancy O'Dell: Let's not forget that you picked Project Runway's Wendy Pepper Season 1 to design your 2005 Grammy Awards dress.

The Ugly: Who is this man with Fran Drescher? And why did no one pull him out of the tanning booth sooner?

[Los Angeles, March 31. Images via Bauer-Griffin]

• Ashton Kutcher punked the paparazzi, and all of us: That shaman Paris Hilton was hanging out with — who turned out to be an actor — was part of a stunt for Kutcher's new show, Pop Ficton. The prank show targets paparazzi and gullible media outlets. Now lots of crazy stories (like the one about hepatitis at the restaurant where he had his birthday party) seem like they may not be true. Who knows what's real anymore??? [USA Today]
  
• Justin Timberlake: Bringing a hit Peruvian comedy to US TV? Executive producing? Who knew? [Reuters]
  
• Here's a picture of Amy Winehouse buying her own biography after she spotted it from a car window late Wednesday night. Amy, Amy, Amy! [TMZ]
  
• Amy's party trick is snorting vodka. Ow. [Mirror]
  
• Did John Mayer write a message to Jessica Simpson on his blog that reads, "Dear Ex Lover, Perhaps you didn't understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I'll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore" ??? Cold! [The Sun]

• Jessica Simpson and the Pussycat Dolls leave for Kuwait today, where they will entertain the troops. A source says there's no special treatment and that Jess will be "roughing it" and sleeping on bunk beds during the trip. Maybe she can use her Vuitton luggage as a pillow? [Page Six]
• Lisa Marie Presley: Pregnant! The daddy is Presley's husband Michael Lockwood, whom she married in Japan in January 2006. The 40-year-old daughter of Elvis already has two children: Riley 18, and Benjamin, 15, with ex-husband Danny Keough. Congrats! [People]
• Rihanna issued a plea for help and now a woman with leukemia has found a bone marrow donor! It's so weird when stars use their power for good and not evil. [People]
• Rihanna has banned umbrellas from her concerts, by the by. [The Sun]
• Ashlee Simpson denies being drunk during a radio appearance, saying, "I giggle when people ask me uncomfortable questions not knowing what to say or what else to do." [People]
• Britney has received a number of disturbing letters and packages, which her "camp" have handed over to local law enforcement and the FBI. [E!]
• The court has ruled that Britney's dad can pay himself a salary to be the conservator of her affairs, so he's taking $2,500 a week from her account. Honestly? There is no doubt that: A) Managing that girl's life is a full-time job and B) Jamie's level-headedness is worth every penny. Good luck, Daddy Spears. [TMZ]
• Lou Pearlman, known for launching the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC, pleaded guilty yesterday to fraud which used fake bank accounts and a dead man's signature in a $300 million swindle. "I'm accepting full responsibility," Pearlman told the judge. He'll be sentenced May 21 and could get the maximum of 25 years in prison. (If he cooperates and tries to recover the money, he'll get reduced time.) [Reuters]
• Annie Lennox: "No more marriage for me. I don't see the point of it. It's not that I'm such a cynic. To share one's life with someone is a beautiful thing. But for the moment, I'm a single person." [Telegraph]
• Lil' Romeo, son of Master P., got a full basketball scholarship to USC. "We may have more 11- to 17-year-old girls in the stands than we've had in the past," says the coach. [Wall Street Journal]
• NYPD Blue star Esai Morales has been cleared of accusations by his ex-girlfriend that he raped her two years ago; the woman continued to live with Morales for 15 months following the alleged assault. [Page Six]
• Colin Farrell to "gorgeous" model at a swanky bar: "Who is this guy?" The lady replied, "He's my boyfriend." Farrell then told the dude, "You've got the most beautiful girl in the place, and you can't blame a guy for trying." To which the boyfriend said: "You tried. Now get out of here." [Page Six]
• The ex-wife of Nicolas Sarkozy will marry her lover this month as "revenge" after Sarkozy wed Carla Bruni so quickly after getting divorced. [Page Six]
• Robert Downey Jr appears in blackface in his new movie, but only because his character has his skin dyed black. Hmmm. [Page Six]
• Kelly Rowan, aka The O.C.'s Kirsten Cohen, is in the final weeks of pregnancy but her billionaire boyfriend keeps her out of the spotlight because he is "horrified of any publicity." Uh, sounds healthy. Then again, money trumps mere fame any day. [Page Six]
• "I really romanticized being pregnant. Then I realized, This is awful! I was so nauseated in the beginning" —Marcia Cross of Desperate Housewives. [Page Six]
• "People ask, 'Why do you like getting around on a bike so much?' I don't do it to be green. I do it because it's so [bleep]ing fun" — Eric Bana [Page Six]
• Kate Hudson: Hangs with her son and friends by day; with Owen Wilson at night. Secret lovers, yeah, that's what they are. [Gatecrasher]
• Michelle Williams says that after her breakup with Heath Ledger, she "didn't know where to go. I couldn't imagine any place in the world that was gonna feel good to me." [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which mournful solo artist is obsessed with his own level of fame? After convincing himself on a recent flight to Australia that he would be mobbed in the streets, the scrawny singer was nonplussed that most Aussies didn't recognize him." [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! Translated from Ted Casablanca: A female star who has had cosmetic surgery and has a "sexually mysterious partner in crime" type celeb boyfriend (who may get cosmetic surgery himself in 2009) is hooked on coke; often the two of them show up high in front of paparazzi. [E!]
• Pubic blind item! "Which female A-lister's Sapphic relationship with a top editrix came to a crashing halt when the wordsmith saw her 'wildly' unkempt nether regions?" [Rush & Molloy]
• Two former concierges of the Four Seasons Hotel in Chicago are spilling about celebrity guests in a new book: Read mini-tales about Nicole Kidman, Diana Ross, Madonna and Elton John by clicking the link. [Rush & Molloy]
• Melissa Joan Hart looks painfully pregnant, ouch. [TMZ]
• Brooke Burke has given birth to a boy, her fourth child and first son. [People]
• American Idol alum Nikki McKibbin is in the psych ward for having a breakdown; she told her friend she wanted to kill herself and when the cops arrived at her home she had a bunch of pills in her hand. Poor thing. [Perez Hilton]
• The Office's Jenna Fischer: "I haven't had my teeth whitened. I don't get Mystic Tan treatments or any of that stuff. [Pam should] always look like a believable girl, not all plastic-y like a movie star." [Rush & Molloy]

Chicks With Schticks [Vanity Fair]
Who Says Women Aren't Funny? [Vanity Fair]

The Good:
Katherine Heigl proves you can wear white after Labor Day; Portia DiRossi and Ellen DeGeneres compliment each other beautifully

Ugly Betty's Becki Newton ousts Ariel, owns the mermaid-shape; Heidi Klum looks gorgeous beyond words — maybe all 83 of her nannies helped her get ready?

The Bad:
Did someone spill Pepto Bismol on Sara Ramirez's dress before she headed out?; Paula Abdul's dress looks like a wardrobe malfunction.

We know we shouldn't mock the pregnants, but Christina Aguilera makes us say "Oy"; And why did Jenna Fischer dress herself in a roll of wrapping paper for an awards ceremony?

The Ugly:
Ellen Pompeo's Flying Nun hair negates classiness of her dress; Hayden Panetierre actually might take flight in sheer volume of her frock.

Ashley Jensen's hair looks straight out of an early 80's prom, and the pink dress doesn't help; Ryan Seacrest, per usual, looks like a lizard.

[Images via FilmMagic]

• Maddox Jolie-Pitt is taking classes at the Lycée Français on New York's Upper East Side. Oh, to be at those parent-teacher conferences! [Page Six]
  
• Michelle Williams was seen hanging out in Brooklyn with her girls. "She looked gorgeous," says a source. [Page Six]
  
• Style guru Tim Gunn wrote a book, but he was forbidden from mentioning Project Runway in it. Legal snafus like this make our head hurt! [Page Six]
  
• Busta Rhymes was supposed to be in court yesterday, but he Assistant DA was called for jury duty. Woo-ha! [Page Six]
  
• David Beckham may not play again this season. He still gets the $250 million, though. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Karrine "Superhead" Steffans claims that soon-to-be-divorced Shaquille O'Neal gave her $10,000 on their first "date." [Gatecrasher, 3rd item]
  
• R.I.P Luciano Pavarotti. [NY Times]

• Not-really-that-blind item! "Which actor with a troubled brother might want to deal with some issues of his own? He is constantly drunk on the set of his current film, say spies." Oh snap! [Gatecrasher, last item]
• Sopranos star James Gandolfini wants the U.S. out of Iraq and for you to watch his documentary about wounded soldiers on HBO, or else. [Rush & Molloy]
• Sean Diddy Combs denies fathering a baby in Atlanta but ex-girlfriend Kim Porter says that's one of the reasons she left him. [Rush & Molloy, 2nd item]
• Did Matrix director Larry Wachowski finally get a sex change? [Rush & Molloy, 7th item]
• The View will have two black best friends when Sherri Shepherd joins the show on September 10. Whoopi has already begun! [People]
• The idea of getting pregnant doesn't excite Charlize Theron because she "doesn't really want to look like a whale." [Prince Harry wasn't at the airport to meet girlfriend Chelsy Davy — but the paparazzi were! [The Sun]
• Jenna Fischer, also known as Pam on The Office has separated from her husband after six years of marriage. [Reuters]
• Lily Allen would love a new boyfriend, but says, "I always think that no one is ever going to fancy me." Aw! You're adorable, Lily! Smile! [The Sun]
• Lily also says "I have my problems but they are nothing compared to Amy [Winehouse]'s." Lil has sent Amy flowers and a card. [Mirror]
• Sir Ben Kingsley has secretly wed "a Brazilian babe nearly half his age." Sir Ben says his new bride is "like an ancient mythological princess." We're gonna take his word for it. [The Sun]