• In case you were wondering what "the lowest of the low" looks like: tabloid reporters allegedly checked Brooke Shields' 75-year-old mother, Teri, out of an assisted living facility in order to get a story. [People]

• Shields claims that two reporters from the National Enquirer pretended to be friends of her mother, who suffers from dementia, in order to check her out of the facility. "They then drove my 75-year-old mother around looking for a tabloid story," says Shields, "As anyone knows who has a parent who suffers from dementia or Alzheimer's, it is one of the most difficult experiences you can go through as a son or daughter. The idea that the National Enquirer took advantage of her state is reprehensible and disgusting." [People]
• Natalie Portman denies the rumors that she is dating Sean Penn: "Sean Penn is a friend and colleague. The reports that we are romantically involved are completely untrue. I normally do not respond to rumors about my private life, however, this repeatedly fabricated story has forced me to do so." [USWeekly]
• "Everybody has the right to vocalize their own opinion. Me personally-I think that everybody deserves equal rights, it's really as simple as that."-Kristen Dalton, Miss USA 2009. [E!]
• Britney Spears reportedly spent over 10 million dollars between February and December of last year, including $625,000 that went to pay Kevin Federline's lawyers. The court documents refer to these payments as "Federline Fees." Ugh. Haven't we all paid our Federline Fees at this point? [TMZ]
• A source claims that Michael Jackson is currently battling skin cancer: "Michael's test showed spots of skin cancer on his body, and cell which could turn to skin cancer on his face," says the source, "He was at first very concerned, but says he has been assured by the doctors that they can treat this and he will recover." [DailyMail]
• "To be a contemporary movie actor, you have to kill people - that's basically it. If you don't cock'n'load'n'fire a Smith & Wesson at some point in your film career, you're not going to have a film career. There just aren't enough movies that I like to keep me working in movies all the time. Well, let me rephrase that: there aren't enough available parts.""-Ethan Hawke [Guardian]
• An employee of the restaurant Justin Timberlake formerly owned, Southern Hospitality, has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the current owners, claiming that her fellow employees forced her to watch "pornography while in a locked room... and made fun of her when she began crying." [TMZ]
• "In keeping with the great tradition of stars like Madonna and Cher who are on a first-name-only basis with their fans, I've decided to go by the name of 'Heidi.'"- Heidi Montag Pratt [E!]
• Spencer Pratt's take: "Legally, she's a Pratt. But to her fans she is 'Heidi.' I totally support my beautiful wife-no matter what she calls herself." Related: I would like to know how the reporter kept a straight face after Spencer said, "Legally, she's a Pratt." [E!]
• Gwen Stefani is looking forward to touring with No Doubt: "We're from Anaheim. This is cliche to say, but we never thought this would happen to us. We built a studio in the garage, and now we're driving around on tour with a bus that has a studio in it. We survived it all and we're still friends, and that's great." [Reuters]
• In a video that is slightly reminiscent of my own childhood experience with reading Where The Wild Things Are for the first time, Spike Jonze scares the daylights out of a small child by wearing a mask from the film. [Filmdrunk]
• "Whatever passes for normal for me is very important, otherwise there's nothing to feed what I write about. My lyrics have always been fairly straightforward. They're very narrative-based; there's not much room for interpretation. Therefore my songs have to be about something. So my real life is precious."-Jarvis Cocker [TimesOnline]
• Former Bachelorette Jen Schefft has married her non-tv-show related fiance, Joe Waterman. [USWeekly]
• A source claims that Kelly Bensimon regrets signing on to The Real Housewives of New York: "She realizes it was a mistake," says the source, "It has ruined her socially. She knows how bad she came off." Bensimon, however, denies the claims: "I think that's laughable. I had a fabulous experience on the show. My friends love me and had a ball watching me." [PageSix]
• Vanessa Hudgens on her upcoming non-Disney role: "People I think are going to be genuinely shocked,'' Hudgens said. ''It's about these girls in a mental institution that in their heads gets turned around to be a brothel. And in the meanwhile they are kicking serious ass." But will there be a choreographed dance number? [NYTimes]

Star
Jamie Lynn's "baby joy turns to tears…" because her shotgun wedding to Casey Aldridge is allegedly off! Despite frequent, happy looking trips to Wal-Mart, the two teens fight all the time. Even worse, Casey is reportedly two-timing Jamie Lynn! "Casey is acting like a dog," a local yokel notes. And Casey's not the only "celebrity" behaving badly. The Hills Whitney Port is acting like a diva, showing up late to appearances and demanding trips to 7-Eleven. Even more shocking: a Whitney Port personal appearance commands $14,000. New moms Melissa Joan Hart and Jaime Pressly are gabbing about their new baby boys. Jaime ate cabbage soup six days a week and worked out two hours a day to lose her baby weight. Sounds…farty and ill-advised. Lilo hates Mary-Kate Olsen because of her friendship with Samantha Ronson, although MK is really scared of people thinking she's a lezebel. John Mayer has a touch of the OCD: since moving in with Jennifer Aniston at her hotel in Florida while she shoots Marley and Me, he has been cleaning up after her cleaning lady. Jen, who is 9 years older than John, is also featured in a spread called "Cougar Season" alongside Mariah, Ellen DeGeneres, and ur-Cougar Demi Moore. Ladies sometimes date younger men: this is not news. We are officially over the term "cougar."
Grade: D (falling asleep outside and having someone write "Dick" on your stomach in sunblock)
Us
Former jilted Bachelor star Andrew Firestone has a "Second Chance At Love," the Us cover blares. Even though ex-fiancée Jen Schefft dumped him on his keister after the show aired, Firestone has found love with a leggy blonde Serbian model named Ivana Bozilovic. You guys, it's so hard to rebound from a break-up when you're a ridiculously good-looking heir to a tire fortune. Firestone has been through so much! Not as much as breakup postergirl Jennifer Aniston. But things seem to be looking up for our formerly depressed diva! Her friends all love new boyfriend John Mayer, even notoriously tough Courteney Cox. Several preggers stars are just about ready to "pop": Gwen Stefani, Nicole Kidman, Jamie Lynn Spears, Luciana Damon (Matt's wife) and Ryan Shawhughes (Ethan Hawke's gf) are among the super pregs. Patrick Swayze has gone back to work on the forthcoming A&E series The Beast even though he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. No cancer puts Patrick in a corner! Kim Cattrall signed on to executive produce and star in a new HBO comedy, Sensitive Skin, which is about a woman rediscovering her sexuality. "Even though it's my name, and the word skin is there, it's a very subtle show," she assures Us. Mmmkay.
Grade: D- (subway smells on a 99 degree day)
In Touch
Angelina is "Pushing Brad Away!" Nooooes! Apparently Ange has violent mood swings because of all the pregnancy hormones and Brad can't deal with it. He took Maddox to the MotoGP motorcycling championship just to get the eff away from Angie. At least she's not back to her Billy Bob humping days, but allegedly Nicole Richie is back to her old bad habits, namely not eating. She's down to 95 pounds, only ten pounds heavier than her scary looking lowest point. Also back to bad habits: Brit Brit. She's back on the sauce, but still not doing drugs, though some fear that Britney's cocktail swilling might lead back down the road to cocaine corner. Also: there's some sidebar saying that Britney's boozing is causing her to have acne. WTF? Did a boob job come between George Clooney and Sarah Larson? Apparently Larson got her tatas done in May, and George wasn't happy about it. Sarah, however, is so thrilled with her new bod that she is considering posing for Playboy. Sigh.
Grade: F+ (second degree sunburn)
OK!
Aw, Shiloh is excited about Angelina's new babies! Apparently SO excited that OK! felt the need to devote four pages to the minutia of Shiloh's very existence. She has "pull-up diapers and tells Mom and Dad when she has to go to the bathroom"! She is learning to sleep alone! She puts her hands on Angie's stomach to feel the twins kick! Um, just like ANY OTHER TWO-YEAR-OLD EVER IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE. Brad Pitt might be making babies these days, but according to a "friend" of John Mayer's, Brad doesn't stack up to John in the sack. John is "Not just good, but sensational" at the sex." Jen is so appreciative that she's started glowing and wearing dresses. Or something like that. Mutiny in The Hills! Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge are brawling. There's a photo shoot with Audrina at her pool house, behind the main house where Lauren and Lo live, and apparently L.C. was pissed about it. "She was very, very mad." Audrina says. "She said it's her house. But this is my room…No she thinks I'm sneaky and shady for doing this photo shoot, yet she and her team knew about it." Dramz!
Grade: F (boob sweat on a date)
Life & Style
Katie is Tom's Prisoner. Again. Katie went to New York for four days to rehearse for her new play, All My Sons, and she never went anywhere but the hotel and the theater. She looked annoyed at a party, according to an "insider" and it's because she feels suffocated. Is John Mayer ready to be a dad? Life & Style ponders. Jen started talking about a friend's fertility treatment over dinner and John "swiftly" changed the subject. "This spinach is awesome…It's very garlicky," Mayer reportedly said. Heh. Maybe that's why Jennifer Aniston has been feuding with He's Just Not That Into You co-star, Jennifer Connelly. The cast of the film, which includes Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin, got together for a Marie Claire photoshoot, and Aniston threatened to pull out if Connelly was included. Janet Jackson looks to be "up 20 pounds" since October, and she needs to lose weight before her Rock Wichu tour in September. She plans to eat healthier and exercise more and blah blah blah.

Grade: F- (heatstroke)