Enjoy 7 Minutes in Heaven with Your Older Boyfriend Jeff Goldblum

Lascivious scientist Dr. Ian Malcolm has joined Mike O'Brien for seven spectacular minutes in heaven, during which he flirts with the camera, talks to O'Brien's mom about profanity, and reveals whether or not he shit his pants when the cup of water rippled in Jurassic Park (he didn't, obviously). » 4/21/13 3:30pm 4/21/13 3:30pm

I Re-Watched Jurassic Park for You Because, Really, Who Has the Time?

When I was 12, in 1994, I basically did three things: watch The Fugitive, watch A League of Their Own, and watch Jurassic Park. Oh, and listen to Weird Al's "Off the Deep End." Four things. Over and over and over. (Oh!!! And play that Yo! Noid Nintendo game! Five things! But this is not relevant.) In that… » 4/05/13 1:35pm 4/05/13 1:35pm

Valentine's Day Provisions For The Deeply Ambivalent

As we're all aware by now, the modern incarnation of Valentine's Day is nothing more than a consumer fabrication to get us to splash out on Godiva chocolate and a bouquet of Birds of Paradise for the person we hump on the regs. However, for those of us who are single, it can still be a crappy benchmark of the… » 2/09/13 2:30pm 2/09/13 2:30pm

Reese Witherspoon Is Being Asked Dumb Babyweight Questions, Natch

Aw, man. I like Reese Witherspoon just fine, but it's a world-class bummer when actresses say "health" and mean "weight." Having just given birth to son Tennessee James, she addressed someone's question about the Amazing Race to drop her baby weight. "I don't know if I'm bouncing back. I'm slowly crawling back. You… » 12/11/12 9:00am 12/11/12 9:00am

That Time A Woman Dropped $20,000 Bones On An Evening With Bates From …

A 52-year-old Long Island woman named Sandra Doshner is the self-proclaimed "world's biggest Downton fan, complete with a "Future Mrs. Bates" t-shirt (referring, of course, to the noble, mysterious valet John Bates, played by Brendan Coyle). The retired medical technologist won Coyle's hand by placing a £12,000 bid… » 5/26/12 11:30am 5/26/12 11:30am