• Is Brad Pitt done with showbiz? It almost seems like he's dropping hints:

"I think acting is a younger man's game," he says. "There are fewer interesting parts for older people and we all get older. But I feel like I've done it. I've kind of had my time and that's quite freeing. There are still acting dreams left but I'll do them first and then we'll talk about them." There's always architecture! [Daily Express]

• Jennifer Aniston embraces the lonely! "If I'm the emblem for 'this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,' so be it." Jen tells Elle. "I can make fun of myself," she says. "And I'll bring it up as long as the world is bringing it up." [NY Post]
• Friends, today is the day: Some sites are participating in A Day Without Megan Fox. But over at E!, they're calling it Megan Fox Awareness Day, since she "drops wild nonsense in interviews, walks around wet, totally bends over in big dumb movies about robots, and then makes ballsy acting choices." [E!]
• Madonna did not, repeat, did not write a song dedicated to Guy Ritchie called "Eternal Love." Gossipeuse Liz Smith calls it a "hilarious rumor." [Variety]
• Page Six claims that the "gay spin" on Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson — as played by Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law in Guy Ritchie's flick, out on Christmas Day, could "backfire." Former Post movie critic Michael Medved says: "Who is going to want to see Downey Jr. and Law make out? I don't think it would be appealing to women." Sir, you are wrong. [Page Six]
• Oscar-winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black is suing Starzlife.com for posting explicit photographs of him having sex with a guy named Jeff Delancy. Invasion of privacy, copyright infringement, etc. [ONTD]
• Aw, sweet: NYPD cops are worried about Robert Pattinson: "We have celebrities a lot bigger than this guy who can come and go in perfect safety because we know how to take the right precautions. We have presidents and kings come and go. This poor kid can't get in or out of a car without things getting dangerous." [MSNBC]
• E! landed an "exclusive" interview with Kate Major, aka "Kate 2.0" and in this preview she says vague things like "Do I regret anything? Not really." And: "It is a huge relief to finally talk." Uh, you were talking the whole time. And seriously, how did the paparazzi know you went to dinner with the dude? Who has photographer's phone numbers: Jerk Gosselin or you, a Star magazine reporter? And isn't it funny how that shot of you guys going out to dinner made the cover of Star? [E!]
• By the by, check out this Kate Gosselin-esque wig. The prediction is that you'll be seeing a lot of them come Halloween. [LA Times]
• Rihanna had ice cream with the record exec responsible for putting Chris Brown's song in a Wrigley's commercial. Hmm. [Page Six]
• An animated music video directed by the late Heath Ledger premieres online today; it's for Modest Mouse's song "King Rat" and can be seen on MySpace. [Newser, NME]
• Michael Douglas's son Cameron: Busted for meth. [TMZ]
• Dina Lohan and Michael Lohan: Spotted acting friendly at a charity event. [Page Six]
• Why does Michael Jackson's dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein claim to have "unique interests" in the custody of MJ's kids? Is he indeed the bio-dad? [MSNBC Scoop]
• Kathy Hilton, who met Michael Jackson when they were teens, says: "I adore Mrs. Jackson. Katherine is the rock." Of MJ, Kathy says: "People think that they knew him and they didn't. His generosity, sense of humor, the mischievous giggle, the laugh." [People]
• It's confirmed that Kara DioGuardi will return to American Idol, and Fox execs are singing her praises. Mike Darnell, president of alternative programming, says she has a "spitfire personality and sharp musical sensibility" and gave the show "new energy"; executive producer Simon Fuller says, "She is a breath of fresh air and her passion for music and her understanding of talent is invaluable." What does all this mean for Paula Abdul? [People]
• Someone overheard Mischa Barton talking about having a stalker. [Page Six]
• Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler are planning to remarry, one year after finalizing their divorce. "We would like to renew our vows and have another wedding," Shanna says. "It's not so much about the wedding but about having a celebration of each other and getting through all the crazy things we've been through." And: "When you almost lose a loved one, it makes you appreciate things you took for granted." [ONTD]
• There's a request for a restraining order against Daniel Baldwin — issued by a woman in Malibu. She fired her nanny, who is Baldiwn's niece, and Baldwin called the house and "left a hostile message." [Radar Online]
• 24's Mary Lynn Rajskub married personal trainer Matthew Rolph in Las Vegas over the weekend, in a casino with Elvis playing. But! "Our wedding was beautiful, spontaneous and intimate," she says. [People]
• Dearest Hugh Jackman, of course we will go see you play P.T. Barnum in The Greatest Showman on Earth, a musical flick put together by the peeps who did your Academy Awards extravaganza. Especially since Mika is in talks to do the music and lyrics. [Variety]
• Griffin O'Neal is spilling all kinds of shit about his dad, Ryan O'Neal. For instance: His father attempted to shoot him; Ryan was unfaithful to Farrah Fawcett; Ryan gave Redmond cash for drugs. [CNN]
• Hulk smash jitterbug! Lou Ferrigno is headed to Dancing With The Stars. [Life & Style]
• Click for an excellent snap of Jack Nicholson getting down on the dancefloor in the South of France. [NY Post]
• Jenna Elfman has a sitcom on CBS this fall, but she did go through a dark period where shows got canceled and development deals failed for various reasons. "It was quite a challenging four or five years in my life." [LA Times]
• Alyssa Milano has an ABC comedy pilot, Romantically Challenged, which looks like it might get picked up. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Chelsea Handler is the worst boss ever in a video at the link. [E!]
• Laguna Beach alum Jason Wahler got drunk and threw his shoes at people. [TMZ]
• Kevin Costner will return to Alberta, Canada to lend support to those injured by a stage collapse at a country music festival where he was set to perform. [Mirror]
• "Julianna Margulies slapped Chris Noth three times for the scene in the pilot in which The Good Wife goes bad. In a good way.The first time, she didn't hit him hard enough. The second time, the camera was off. The third time, she left a red welt on his face. 'Chris Noth is so great,' she said at press tour on Monday. 'He's like, 'Oh, please, I've been hit so many times.'" [LA Times]
• Will The Sopranos make it to the big screen, as a movie? [Gatecrasher]
• Fifty years ago, Jayne Mansfield cut a ribbon at the Chiswick Flyover, a stretch of elevated road in west London. To celebrate the 50th anniversary of the flyover, Mansfield's daughter Mariska Hargitay has been invited to an event. [Telegraph]
• "I haven't done it yet, but I'm excited... I'm lucky – yeah, I know." — Gerard Butler, on kissing Jennifer Aniston in scenes for The Bounty. [People]

• That guy Oprah was leaning on during the Election Day rally in Chicago — whom she thanked on her show, saying, "I don't know who you are, but thank you, Mr. Man!" — is named Sam Perry. He worked at the Silicon Valley Obama office. [Breitbart]
• Mr. Man will be on Oprah's show today! [Chicago Sun-Times]
• Speaking of Oprah, she may have delivered between 400,000 and 1.6 million primary votes for Obama. Someone better get to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom! [Newser, via ABC News]
• Will.i.am has a video celebrating Barack Obama's win, and it will debut on Oprah's show today. [USA Today]
• Radiohead's Thom Yorke was so psyched Bush is leaving office, he posted a free remix of a song in his website. [Rolling Stone]
• People waiting in a U.S. Customs queue at Kennedy Airport on Tuesday booed Naomi Campbell as she skipped the line, escorted by a passport-screening officer. Weren't they afraid of hurled cell phones? [Rush & Molloy]
• You know how Kim Cattrall said there would be a Sex And The City sequel? Sarah Jessica Parker says, "I'm thrilled to know Kim is excited but all the deals are not yet done." Me-ouch. [Daily Express, People]

• At Madonna's concert in L.A. last night, she said, "This song is for you girls out there that have had one of your best friends fuck your boyfriend!" Also: Britney sang with Madge, then Justin did. But Brit and Justin did not appear on stage together. [The Sun]
• Oh here's video of Madonna's "surprise" guest: Britney. Brit wore a white shirt and black trousers. Madonna was the one in the leotard. Apparently Britney and Justin "kept their distance." [E!]
• Wait: Justin and Britney have been in touch all along? Even through rehab? [MSNBC]
• Britney's mom's book, Through The Storm, is not exactly a best-seller. [Page Six]
• Oh, snap: Amy Winehouse has refused to pay £30,000 for her husband's rehab. She's also pissed he didn't tell her he was getting released; she found out from photographers. [The Sun]
• Whoa: Dave Chappelle will be on the Inside The Actors Studio 200th episode, helping James Lipton reminisce. [Yahoo News via E!, E!]
• Gossip from America's Next Top Model: Elina says, "I didn't know I bothered McKey so much. That was kind of weird to hear—I didn't know she had a problem with me!" Also, Elina is rooting for Marjorie. "Maybe I'm just being a little biased because she is one of my favorite people in the house, but I think she has a lot of modeling potential, and she's also a great person." [E!]
• David Beckham's been caught checking out cheerleaders for the fourth time. Marc Anthony, seated next to him at the Lakers game, took a gander as well. [Mirror]
• The quote we ran from Glamour about Nicole Kidman cowering in the background during her marriage to Tom Cruise is getting wider circulation. As a reminder, she said: "I didn't think [the early movies] were very good, which is why I would always cower in the background. I thought, I don't deserve to be here. We would go to the Oscars and I would think, I'm here to support him. I felt it was my job to put on a beautiful dress and be seen and not heard." [Sydney Morning Herald, News.com.au]
• Did you know this about Daniel Craig? He has been divorced since 1994 and has a teenage daughter from that marriage, but he doesn't like to discuss her. ("I've spent my whole career protecting her," he says. "As soon as I talk about it, that's out there.") [USA Today]
• Ooh, love this stuff: Rihanna's tour rider. She demands a professional makeup mirror, two Trish McEvoy candles, "good quality" tortilla chips, and "fire hot" crunchy Cheez Doodles. [The Smoking Gun]
• Laguna Beach star Jason Wahler has lost his civil case. He owes a tow truck driver — whom he punched in the face while shouting racial slurs — $5,000. And maybe an apology??? [AP]
• Lisa Bonet's back on TV in Life On Mars, but she says: "To have my face reinstated in minds and homes once a week was an intense decision." She doesn't like the paparazzi. "It feels like you're being stalked. As a shy person, that type of attention coming at me violates something. I don't like that it's expected to come with the territory." [People]
• Ew: Vanessa Minnillo back on TV. Hosting a reality beauty pageant show called True Beauty. The series will "determine the 'True Beauty' of six stunning females and four handsome males who will live together in a spectacular Los Angeles mansion as they undergo a series of challenges to determine who is truly the most beautiful." Vom. [Perez Hilton]
• First: A black president. Now: Will there be a black Doctor Who? Actor Colin Salmon is in talks to star on the BBC show. [The Sun]
• Ellen Pompeo and her husband, Chris Ivery, are celebrating their one-year anniversary with a trip to Vegas. Keep it clean, kids. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Sean William Scott says if he could have a dish named after him, it would be called "Seann William Scott Veal Scallopini With the Stifler Porcini Mushroom Risotto." And: "It would be served at Da Silvano, where all the models go. I'd like models to eat my dish to fatten them up a bit." [Page Six]
• Jack Black will star in a new version of Gulliver's Travels, playing a travel writer who gets lost in the Bermuda Triangle and washes up on an island of tiny people. He may or may not rock out with them. [Daily Express]
• Antonio Banderas is in talks to play Salvador Dali, in a flick that would blend music and CGI to be surreal. Sounds cool. [Daily Express]
• Milla Jovovich will star as an alcoholic former stripper in a coming of age comedy directed by William H. Macy. Intriguing! [Variety]
• Nick Nolte has joined the cast of My Own Love Song, starring Renee Zellweger and Forest Whitaker. The story follows a wheelchair-confined former singer and her friend during an enlightening road trip to Memphis. [Variety]
• Jada Pinkett Smith plays a hippo in Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa and says: "I've always wanted more body, so it was really fantastic that I got the opportunity to play such a gloriously hefty lady. It's always fun to crawl back into Gloria's skin. It's really rare that you get to play a character twice." [USA Today]
• News you can't use: Toby Keith shaves his armpits. [People]
• Sandra Bullock's husband, Jesse James, is being sued for fraud; some kind of clothing deal gone wrong. [Yahoo News]
• This is not a joke: Rick Astley was named the Best Act Ever at the MTV Europe Music Awards, as fans of the 1980s singer pulled off the biggest ever "Rickroll." [Telegraph]
• Daryl Hall and John Oates have filed a lawsuit over the rights to their 1982 hit "Maneater." Can't figure out if Nelly Furtado is involved or not. [AP]
• Taylor Swift is teaming up with Def Leppard, but first the guys from Def Leppard had to Google her. [AP]
• Taylor Swift is not knocked up. She says: "I read a very creative rumor this morning saying I'm pregnant, which is the most IMPOSSIBLE thing on the planet. Take my word for it. Impossible." [UPI]
• "When we both started releasing records, it was a funny time for me. It must have seemed as if we were competing with each other, but, in reality, Britney is someone that I used to hold hands with. We were silly little girls together on the Mickey Mouse Club. What a journey it has been for both of us! There have been so many stories about the two of us not getting along. We don't keep closely in touch with one another, and it's obvious how our lives have taken on two different directions. I don't pass any judgment on what she does. I always wish her all the best." —Christina Aguilera on Britney Spears. [Daily Mail]
• "They [doctors] suggest you kind of get on it before you're a certain age so that they can remove your ovaries. That definitely makes a big difference in my timetable. Everything has to be a process, though. It'll happen. It's just not gonna happen right now." — Christina Applegate, on having kids, despite being tested positive for a gene that increases the chances of ovarian cancer. [Daily Express]
• "Almost every statement that comes out of Hulk's mouth is a diversionary tactic to deflect attention away from the real reason Linda filed for divorce, two words: HULK'S CHEATING!" — Linda Hogan's publicist. [E!]
• "Most of us have no concern for the safety of others, to be honest with you. All the paparazzos are breaking the law, including trespassing, running lights, speeding down the opposite side of the street… We all know we are breaking the law, but it is worth the risk. Safety is not an issue with most of us." — from an interview last year with Alison Silva, the photographer who recently sued Keanu Reeves and lost. [Page Six]
• "I guess people care more about farm animals than they do their fellow man, that's really sad to me. Yes, I am glad that the chickens will have more room and better conditions as they wait to die, but I just think it's frightening that people show more compassion for tomorrow's dinner than for the chef. Yup, Miss Piggy and Chicken Little may rest easy, but gay people in Florida and California can no longer get married and gay couples in Arkansas can't adopt children. G-d forbid a loving family (regardless of sexual orientation) give a needy child a home!" — Sam Ronson, on the passing of Prop. 2 and Prop. 8. [People]
• "I know there are problems with my stomach. There are bumps on it, it's uneven, but it's not that bad. I like a tanned stomach so that's why I'm going to keep wearing a bikini. It's my choice." —Tara Reid, who vows she will not stop wearing two-piece swimsuits. [The Sun]

• Brad Pitt has donated $100,000 to the campaign to defeat Proposition 8, the California ballot initiative that would ban same-sex marriage in the state. In a statement, he says: "Because no one has the right to deny another their life even though they disagree with it, because everyone has the right to live the life they so desire if it doesn't harm another and because discrimination has no place in America, my vote will be for equality and against Proposition 8." [Variety]
• Hilary Swank is recovering from a "minor" medical procedure; she had a "growth" removed and is totally fine. Except the word "growth" is sorta gross. [ET]
• Amy Poehler is sad about leaving SNL: "I'm on the verge of tears every minute. The cast and writers there are so dear, dear to me. I can't quite imagine not doing it. From now until my due date, we have about six shows and three election specials. I'm so, so sad about leaving." [USA Today]
• Oprah's BFF Gayle King spills on O's 30 Rock stint! "It is a hoot," Gayle tells New York magazine. "It was taped last Saturday. Let me tell you, Tina Fey and Oprah Winfrey together is magic. Oprah and Tina together: Hilarious. H-I-L-A-A-A-R-I-O-U-S." [NY Mag]

• So you know how Lindsay Lohan is all prO-bama, and the Obama camp is like, "Thanks, but no thanks"? Michael Lohan says: "Everyone is entitled to an opinion and so is Obama and his staff. Then again, you know what they say about opinions. Unfortunately, for them, to make such a comment about my daughter was a big mistake… Look at Angelina Jolie and the wonderful things she has done in her life, and now watch how Lindsay does the same." Wait, does this mean that LL is going to adopt a Vietnamese baby? [TMZ]
• Speaking of Lindsay, does she have a crush on Victoria Beckham? At the premiere of Ugly Betty, she was heard saying: "I love her hair. She looks really hot at the moment. It reminds me of Sam." [ONTD]
• Superclassy Joe Francis says: "Lindsay's straight. I think Sam has taken ownership of Lindsay. I think if Sam were to let Lindsay go even that much; Lindsay would revert back to being straight." [E!]
• Will Smith was asked if he was a Scientologist. He replied: "I am not." There you have it! [Perez Hilton]
• Juliette Lewis says Tom Cruise is not the representation of all things Scientology. "I feel so bad for him, because that's the responsibility that's put on him." She also says Scientology is not what you think it is: "It's just really practical, applied religious philosophy. And you'll get lost in the media with these fantastic, fantastical - is that a word? - stories of, like, aliens and, you know, gay cover-ups … the rumours, they're astonishing. And they would be funny, if they weren't so hurtful." [Perez Hilton]
• Here's video of Madonna falling on stage in concert while playing guitar and grinding, "just for the lulz." [ONTD]
• By the by, in Madonna's film, her directorial debut called Filth And Wisdom, a pivotal scene involves a stripper dancing to Britney Spears' "Baby One More Time." [Yahoo News]
• Jennifer Aniston is in Mexico with a mystery man. [The Sun]
• R. Kelly was interviewed for the first time since being acquitted of child pornography charges. When asked if he liked teenage girls, Kelly replied: "When you say teenage, how — how old are we talkin' ... 19? I have some 19-year-old friends. But I don't like anybody illegal, if that's what we're talking about, underage." [Yahoo News]
• Rose McGowan said that she would have joined the Irish Republican Army if she'd lived in Belfast during the conflicts there; producers of her film, Fifty Dead Men Walking have issued a statement that goes like this: "Ms. McGowan's views were private ones, and as such they greatly saddened the film's producers." [Hollywood Reporter]
• Elizabeth Hurley is now like the Jimmy Dean of England and sells pork for sausage and bacon. No, really. [The Sun]
• Jason Wahler's trial is set for November 3; he's accused of roughing up a tow-truck driver. There are also allegations that he shouted racial slurs at the plaintiff, who is black. [E!]
• Gary Coleman has been charged with misdemeanor reckless driving and disorderly conduct after an incident at a bowling alley in Utah. A fan tried to take Gary's picture with a cell phone camera; Gary allegedly attacked him and ran over him with his truck. [E!]
• Actor Thomas Jane (seen in The Punisher, married to Patricia Arquette) has pleaded no contest to drunken driving after doing 120 mph in a Maserati. He's been sentenced to to a year of probation, $1,700 in fines and alcohol abuse classes. Didn't the Medium see this coming? [Yahoo News]
• Those Jerry Seinfeld/Bill Gates ads are ending. Try to act interested. [LA Times]
• John Cleese is making like his James Bond alter ego Q and hosting a new gadget show in the UK. [The Sun]
• Ranae Shrider, aka Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer's ex-girlfriend, says she has no idea who is behind the overseas website that released a sex tape of Ranae and Verne. "I actually found out about the website when a friend of mine from college called and asked, 'Did you know you can have sex with Mini-Me for $9.95?'" Shrider says. [AVN]
• Denzel Washington, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Martin Sheen, Wesley Clark and Shaquille O'Neal, who attended the Boys & Girls Clubs of America as children, have lent their childhood photos to the organization for a national advertising campaign. Denzel was adorbs. [AP]
• Redmond O'Neal's drug sponsor is Ashley Hamilton. The guy who was married to Shannen Doherty. His mom is Alana Stewart, Farrah Fawcett's best friend. And Farrah is Redmond's mom. Got it? [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• The Foo Fighters: On a long break. [Perez Hilton]
• Dita Von Teese claims she has never been an exhibitionist. "I wouldn't be caught dead baring my stomach," she says. "To me, baring my stomach during the day is just wrong. Remember that fashion for wearing super-low cut jeans? I tried a pair on once as a joke. It looked disgusting — I mean pornographic." [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Justin Timberlake isn't working on an album because he has fashion and golf to think about. [USA Today]
• Despite earlier reports that he was gonna get blown up or something, an expert says there is no credible terror threat against Paul McCartney regarding his upcoming gig in Israel. Shalom! [UPI]
• Keira Knightley to star in a modern love story and not a period piece! [Variety]
• "They're a bunch of pasty white, completely non-rock and roll, Christian… I can't stand that shit! I don't even know what they sound like." — Courtney Love on The Jonas Brothers. [MSNBC]
• "Everything that has happened to me, good and bad, I feel has happened for a reason. I've been made stronger from the good stuff and much, much stronger from the bad stuff." — Anne Hathaway. [People]
• "All kinds of Christians are getting mad about my Sarah Palin comments, and it is pissing me off […] If you truly believed in Jesus, you would try to be like him and love us, fags and dykes and feminists all. God bless you, even you. You fucking fuckers." — Margaret Cho. [Perez Hilton]

Earlier: David Letterman Asks L.C. If Spencer Is In The "Tick Family"

• OMG Bobby Brown's autobiography is going to be sofa king awesome: "I never used cocaine until after I met Whitney. Before then, I had experimented with other drugs, but marijuana was my drug of choice. At one point in my life, I used drugs uncontrollably. I was using everything I could get my hands on, from cocaine to heroin, weed and cooked cocaine." [Page Six]
  
• Madonna donated 100 copes of Vanity Fair to the Kabbalah Centre. You know, the one with her on the cover. Soooo generous. [Page Six]
  
• Beyoncé and Jay-Z: Getting married this Friday??? [Perez Hilton]
  
• Jay-Z is on the verge of a $150 million deal with Live Nation — one of the biggest music contracts ever. Would getting married first mean Beyoncé could be all, what's yours is mine? [Reuters]
  
• Jessica Alba's unborn baby is a girl, and will be named Honor Warren. [Star]

• Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon: On vacay with the kids in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Cute! [MSNBC]
• Ed Westwick, aka Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass, has been spotted drunk out on the town again. His publicist must be working overtime to get him in the papers, but he's so damn cute we're falling for it. [Page Six]
• Speaking of GG, Chace Crawford (aka Nate ) has had a rough few weeks after breaking up with Carrie Underwood and being accused of dating JC Chasez. But he's "doing okay," his sister, Miss Missouri, says. You can stop worrying. [People]
• Kevin Federline's lawyer says Britney's dad is doing a great job. There was a situation and that seems to be stabilized. Does that mean she's cured? Of course not." [People]
• Britney's manager, Larry Rudolph, says Britney will make the biggest comeback in history. [ONTD]
• Mariah Carey canceled interviews in London because she's "not a morning person." Viva la diva! [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse saw a gang of paparazzi camped out on her doorstep in the cold, so she made them tea and brought them cookies. Love. Her. [ Mirror]
• Jerry Seinfeld's brakes failed on Saturday night and his his vintage car flipped over as he was driving in the Hamptons. Jerry walked away unscathed. [People]
• Speaking of the Hamptons, longtime resident Billy Joel's wife, Katie Lee Joel, has a cookbook with a recipe for "Man Loaf" that "instantly makes any guy fall in love." As the kids say, vom. [Page Six]
• "Everybody thinks I'm in the loony bin, but I'm actually in rehab." —Steve-O. [Page Six]
• Brad Pitt has dropped his publicist, Cindy Guagenti, who has repped him since Thelma & Louise. Could it be the influence of Angelina, who has never used a publicist? [Page Six]
• Brad Pitt (with local Springfield, MO businessmen and his brother Doug) has established a new fund to help Springfield public school students who are in poverty: The fund will address hunger, hygiene, and health needs. [KSMU]
• Will Lindsay Lohan's new album get released on time later this year? She's reportedly not being cooperative and canceled important meetings with producer Timbaland. Girl, check yourself before you wreck yourself. [Gatecrasher]
• Katie Couric plagiarized a poem when she was in grammar school and has kept it a secret for 45 years. What other skeletons does she have in her closet? [Gatecrasher]
• Yeah, yeah, Laguna Beach alum Jason Wahler is getting his own VH1 reality show, we know. And we're not looking forward to it. [Gatecrasher]
• Is Brody Jenner involved in that show? Or getting his own? [People]
• Blind item! "Which TV starlet could be the next to have embarrassing naked pix revealed? The racy snaps are a souvenir from her on-again, off-again hookups with a co-star." [Gatecrasher]
• Teri Hatcher will sing on American Idol Gives Back. Consider yourself warned. [Rush & Molloy]
• Kirsten Dunst is redoing the $3 million penthouse in Tribeca, NYC, she bought to live in now hat she's completed six weeks of rehab. Nothing gets booze off your mind like a pricey renovation project! [Rush & Molloy]
• Did UCLA Medical Center employees spy on Farrah Fawcett's files like they did on Britney's? [TMZ]
• Heather Mills was spotted at the airport wearing a black wig as a disguise. WTF. [The Sun]
• The Lord Chief Justice has said people who represent themselves in court — like Heather Mills — just waste the court's time. [Telegraph]
• The mayor of the town in Chile where Daniel Craig is shooting the new Bond movie is leading a protest against the film. The mayor claims that when he drove his car onto the set, Daniel Craig "fled in terror." Bond would never flee! [Daily Mail]
• Kanye West's new travel site is just a "shoddily assembled web 0.5 front-end to house the Travelocity website." [AdAge]
• Elvis Costello hosting a talk show for Sundance Channel? Sounds good. [Reuters]
• Stop me if you think you've heard this one before: Morrissey has won an apology in court from the publishers of Word Magazine, which called him a racist and a hypocrite. [Reuters]
• A judge has dismissed a defamation lawsuit by a businessman chased down the street by Sacha Baron Cohen in the Borat movie. Go away! [USA Today]
• Francis Ford Coppola's new movie is getting a "sex change": Carmen Maura is replacing Javier Bardem in the role of mentor and teacher. [Yahoo News]
• The family of R&B singer Sean Levert wants the FBI too look into his death — he died Sunday night after being strapped into a restraint chair in jail. [Yahoo News]
• Steve Irwin's father has quit working at the Australia Zoo because he was becoming a "disrupting influence." [Sydney Morning Herald]
• See, there's this pesky tax investigation going on involving the Irwins and the Zoo. [News.com.au]
• The Irwins and the Zoo got scammed. [News.com.au]
• "I think legal prostitution is the way to go, given the awful, horrendous traffic in women and the danger of girls being out on the street, so vulnerable to pimps and johns. In a legal brothel, they're licensed, they're protected, and the johns are protected because they know the girls have to be medically checked every week" - Helen Mirren. [Page Six]

• Owen Wilson's suicide attempt came on the heels of a three-day binge on crystal meth and "hillbilly heroin," aka Oxycodone, reports the Mirror. Yikes. [Mirror]
  
• Also, Owen has dropped out of Ben Stiller comedy Tropic Thunder, which starts shooting in two weeks. [Variety]
  
• Madonna is adopting a second orphan from Malawi: a 13-month-old girl named Mercy. The singer said she wanted a sister for her adopted son, David Banda, "to redress the balance." What about Lourdes? Or does she mean she wants to balance out her family, color-wise? We're confused. [The Sun]
  
• Britney Spears has hired a private investigator to spy on Kevin Federline. We sooo want to see the files! [Page Six]
  
• Lindsay Lohan and her mother, Dina, have decided to let Michael Lohan visit Lindsay in rehab. "It's part of the healing process," says a source. Dina's having her restraining order lifted and counselors will be present. We predict a breakthrough. [Page Six]

• Speaking of Michael Lohan, you're aware he's shopping a reality show, right? [ONTD]
• The following sentence made us feel poor: "Budweiser beer heir Andy Busch is in mourning for his favorite polo pony." [Page Six]
• Bruce Willis will star in an Oliver Stone drama set in 1968 Vietnam. Uh, sounds uplifting! [Page Six]
• Quentin Tarantino, on a flight from the Phillippines last week, boarded in a wheelchair due to a back injury and wanted to sit on the floor. He was with a "D list actress" he called his "wife." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which famous lady is going to be asked for a substantial financial contribution by the hospital where she recently had major surgery? Or maybe the administrators will settle for her hosting a fund-raiser." [Page Six]
• So you know how shoe and handbag company Hogan designed a line of bags named after rock chicks? The pony-skin "Chrissie" is not a hit with anti-leather campaigner Chrissie Hynde. "At first, I thought this must be a joke, it's so outrageous and thoughtless," Chrissie says. She's considering a lawsuit. [Gatecrasher]
• When Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie stayed at a resort in the Caribbean, they "only wanted to deal with one staff member during their entire stay," an insider claims. The resort sent a marketing exec from NY to be the go-to guy, except he didn't know how to cook and was "freaking out." [Gatecrasher, 2nd item]
• Blind item! "Which international sex symbol had to return to her own country to terminate a pregnancy that was the result of a brief fling with a U.S. hip-hop titan?" [Gatecrasher, last item]
• Hot couple alert! Shia LaBeouf and Rihanna: dating. (BTW, Perez spelled his name wrong.) [PerezHilton]
• That was quick! Angelina Jolie is back from Iraq and Syria. Angelina wore a blue flak jacket and a helmet when she arrived unannounced at the camp. [Yahoo!News]
• Is Kate Moss going to marry Pete Doherty? She's "run back into his needle-scarred arms." [Rush & Molloy, 2nd item]
• OK! Magazine is auctioning off the Versace gown Britney Spears wore during her disastrous photo shoot — proceeds go to Mothers Against Drunk Driving, which is kind of genius. [Rush & Molloy]
• Britney Spears was in her car, riding around Beverly Hills yesterday — someone else was driving and the kids were in the back — when the Mercedes ran out of gas. Seriously. You can't make this stuff up. [TMZ]

• Senator Craigslist says that not only is he not gay, he has never been gay, including when he was arrested three months ago and also back in 1982 when he had to deny he was gay on account of all the young boy Congressional pages he'd plied with drugs and alcohol and fucked, which very neatly explains, you see, why he plead guilty.
  
• Fidel Castro, back writing editorials for his mouthpiece newspaper after being crucified last Friday by Pontius Perez Hilton, writes that a Hillary Clinton-Barack Obama ticket would be almost as "invincible" as him — and he's not exactly stoked.
  
• Illiterate L.C. ex Jason Wahler afforded a 4-karat diamond rock for his barely-leagal honey. [TMZ]

• The United States has a gun for every person and that's how come our crime is so low because weapons are deterrents against using them. [http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=topNews&storyid=2007-08-28T174254Z_01_L28348938_RTRUKOC_0_US-WORLD-FIREARMS.xml&src=rss&rpc=22&sp=true">USA Today]
• Iran's crazypants leader Ahmadinejad is not only a great cook, he's prepared to (fill the Iraqi power) vacuum and also that jacket is so totally contraband American Apparel. (Ha ha, "contra")
• The market sucked again. Time to invest in tent mortgage lenders!

• Pete Doherty: arrested for drug possession. Again. [Guardian]
  
• In addition, Pete is dating ex-girlfriend Irina Lazareanu — the girl Kate Moss chose to model her Top Shop collection. Ouch! [Daily Mail]
  
• Uh, Kate Moss is planning a tribute song for Amy Winehouse? You really can't make this stuff up. [Daily Mail]
  
• Donald Trump thinks appearing on his new show, Celebrity Apprentice, would be a positive thing for Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan to do. Sure, dude. [Page Six]
  
• There is a recording studio at Amy Winehouse's rehab facility. Keep the music coming! [Page Six]
  
• Justin Timberlake "will bleep anything," says a source. Good to know! [Page Six]

• Blind item! "Which Oscar-winning actor has his friends worried? His career's gone downhill since getting the gold statue and his drinking has increased tenfold. Now, he doesn't even try to hide his public drunkenness or his affairs." Guesses, please! [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan is looking to revive her recording career. Probably a good idea since she can't get insured for a film. [Rush & Molloy]
• Shar Jackson: Kevin Federline "is a great dad!" Oh cool, is it opposites day? [TMZ]
• Former Laguna Beach star (and ex-boyfriend of Lauren Conrad) Jason Wahler is being sued by a Department of Transportation officer who was towing his car when Wahler verbally and physically assaulted the officer — using racial epithets. [TMZ]
• Method Man will be lecturing to New York City high schoolers on the subject of the evils of marijuana. We sooo want to be there. [TMZ]
• By the way, Joel Madden has asked Nicole Richie to marry him. [TMZ]
• Kevin Federline added Promises rehab to his list of subpoena recipients. Whatever they have to say is sure to be juicy! [People]
• Tom Cruise's new movie has injured 11 people, none of whom were Tom Cruise. [Breitbart]
• Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine on tennis star Maria Sharapova: "She wouldn't make any noise during sex. I can't tell you how disappointed I was." Hey, Adam — could it have been your fault? Maybe you suck in bed? Just saying. [The Sun]

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, the Wednesday refresher course in all the week's most important news we provide you free of charge so you don't fail the exam. In which we (and our trusty TA who does all the work) Intern Maria "read" the Wednesday celebrity tabs. So you don't "have" to.

Us Weekly

• Cover story: How Hilary Did It! (pages 48-51) More summer dieting tips from the stars! It's funny how many different ways magazine editors can reprint and repackage the simple idea of "eat less calories and exercise more." So anyway, Hilary Duff was fat? She also decides to take the high road when asked about Joel Madden's future baby with professional trainwreck Nicole Richie, saying he'll be a "great dad" (page 51). Aw!
• Precociously trainwrecky jailbird Jason Wahler will be making a few bloated appearances on The Hills this season. Oh we cannot wait!
• Victoria Beckham claims that she "can get a muffin" (page 14). Right, but what to do with it?
• Pamela Anderson looks back at her life in bikinis (pages 56-59) including two marriages in swimsuits! Pamela says that her marriage with Kid Rock seems "like it never even happened" (page 57). It's probably better that way.
• Some NASCAR guy and his wife spawned (pages 66-67).

Star

• Cover story: Nicole's Baby in Danger! (pages 48-51) Nicole Richie might have problems with her unborn baby's health because her body is pumped full of booze and muscle relaxants. Oh no! The mag quotes Nicole on Letterman as saying "I'm scared" with regards to mommydom rather than the actual context, her possible jail time. Is it Romenesko-y of us to catch them on that? Also: Joel Madden goes to seedy Thai "massage" parlors in Studio City (he likes his ladies a little bit syphilised these days!!) then redeems himself for all of that — plus breaking Hilary Duff's heart plus any unprosecuted murders he may have committed — by telling Spencer Pratt he's going to kick his ass (page 51). Swoon.
• What's this! A missing page! Ah, the Lohan Lesbo Love story Moe is in heat over right now.
• The mag cautions Drew Barrymore on her new love with vomitous Zach Braff (he'll "hit on anything with two legs," you know). Also: Did you know he cheated on Mandy Moore? Page 18! Oh please do not spoil our illusions about Zach Braff, media!
• Rachel Ray is having problems with her "lawyer/rock musician" husband whose "dark side" manifests itself in a habit of paying women to spit and rub their feet on him.
• Best and Worst Plastic Surgery! (pages 54-65): An eleven-page spread on all the boob jobs, nose jobs, and "man surgery" (not what you think!) that the stars get! Salma Hayek and Angelina Jolie win for "best nose job," Gwen Stefani's padded bra gets her added to alleged boob jobbers, and Donatella Versace tries to disguise her cocaine-abused nose with some horrible, horrible surgery. Also, 'Worst surgeries': Not for the delicate of stomach!

In Touch

• Cover story: Janet's Shocking Weight Gain! (pages 36-39) Janet's up-and-down weight is on an "up" at the moment. Apparently her fiancée Jermaine Dupri doesn't mind her with "some meat on her bones" and "doesn't stop her from eating" (page 39). Yeah, what an asshole.
  
• Page 14 sports a spread on old child stars all growed up and surprise! Most of them look gross and coked out (pages 14-15).
• EXCLUSIVE! Jessica Biel opens up to the weekly about her life with Justin. We kept searching for "as she told Marie Claire" or "in an upcoming interview in Vogue" or just some hint that she didn't actually have direct contact with anyone at In Touch, but ah no such evidence materialized. What a classy lady! (pages 40-41)
  
• A real estate investor and alkie named John Sundahl got the National Enquirer to pay him some money for claiming that he slept with Britney Spears and all her friends can say is "well, it sounds like something she would do.." (page 54)

Life & Style

• Cover story: Depressed Angie Refuses to Eat! (Pages 26-29.) Angelina probably isn't anorexic, she is just too depressed by her terrible life to eat. She might also be "too thin" to have another Brad baby, though every time she refreshes TMZ to check up on Nicole Richie she feels a distant glimmer of that thing they call "hope."
  
• Scrambling for a sidebar, Life & Style claims that Britney has some "chemistry" with her bodyguard who even "accompanied" her to an event (page 31). You think he maybe he "accompanies" her places because he's her hired muscle?
  
• Nicole Richie had some spotting and thought she was going to lose her baby but it was just a false alarm (page 37). We bet it's the first time in a few years she had blood on her panties! Which kinda makes you wonder: When you're a pillhead who probably spends more time puking than menstruating, how do you know if you're pregnant at all? Did the Angel Gabriel have to come down and break the news? It's just, er, fishy.
• Life & Style runs some more "candid" shots of their besties Spencer and Heidi Montag frolicking on the beach (page 20) for what has to be the forty-ninth straight week. But! L&S is the only weekly not to print anything about Joel Madden's blow-up at Spencer, probably because, you know, their journalistic standards demand they find at least four corroborating eyewitnesses to run with that sort of thing. HAH.

• "You know my gratitude has gone up so much and I just realize that the media used me to make fun of and be mean about it." Our gratitude will totally skyrocket when they release this woman to the media that is paying somewhere between zero and a million dollars to use and be mean to her face! [Washington Post] [NY Times]
  
• Chad Michael Murray acted like a "jealous diva" around other male One Tree Hill cast members who got close to the wife he was cheating on with Paris Hilton. We've never watched that show, but this little snippet makes him sound like such an idiotic turd he doesn't even deserve the title "emosogynist." [Page Six]
  
• Andre Balazs is bringing New York its very own version of Chateau Marmont, a development which totally gets our gratitude racing. Did you know he received a master's in journalism from Columbia University? He's totally qualified to figure out ways of ethically not paying Paris Hilton for an interview! [Page Six]
  
• WE is launching an internet TV property just for brides. Our Tivos are setting themselves [WSJ]
  
• Remember upstanding citizen Jason Wahler? The Laguna Beach-era counterpart to the hopeless fame-whoring vapidity of The Hills' Heidi and Spencer appears to have removed the MySpace page wherein he spelled his own name wrong and now says he "relates" to Lilo. This "teaser" to the full article (on newsstands today!) says it's all about how he doesn't actually remember any of the 37 times he was arrested in the past year because he was blacked out the entire time (Yo dude: happens to the best of us!) though it suspiciously sidesteps any mention of L.C. sex tapes, Heidi, Spencer. Which sort of leads us to wonder whether no mention of Heidi or "beef curtains" was, like, a condition of the interview. Because if it was, uh, maybe Andre Balazs had the right idea getting into the hospitality industry. [People]

• Nicole + Joel "The topic of marriage and kids has definitely come up," says a source . Yeah, that'd turn out great.L&S, 42
• Halle Berry + KFed lookalike Gabriel Aubry "God knows we're trying!" to generate zygotes together. L&S, 43
• Jessica + John Shacking Up, have been dating "nearly a year"
• Justin+ Jessica "She also stopped calling and texting JT"...and now he's obsessed! L&S, 40
• Ryan + Scarlett "She's trying hard not to get too attached just yet." L&S, 35
• Renee Zellweger + John Krasinski of The Office "Renee tends to develop crushes on her costars"..."John is a totally handsome tall drink of water..he's a total flirt!" Star, 47
• L.C. + Jason L.C. thinks Jason "deserves" jail, Heidi has "no comment" as to existence of sex tape. US, 40
• Pam + Tommy "Tommy was lying on top of Pam, and they were kissing passionately.." Star, 20

Well Im going to Miami for my 1st real shoot for Guess. Im kinda scared Im afraid Paul will find out about my past and be so upset and fire me and not want to see me anymore. But I cant tell him. Im ashamed. Ive been really stressed out lately and depressed and I cant quit eating.

Is it just us or is Anna Nicole Smith circa August 16, 1992 actually not illiterate? She's remarkably consistent about the whole no-apostrophes thing, plus, in another entry she actually doesn't misspell "clothes", which always seems to trip up celebs nowadays. Grammatically and syntactically-speaking, this shit does not even rank on the celebutard standards of 2K7. I mean, Jason Wahler spelled his own name wrong when registering his MySpace URL, people.

Anna Nicole Smith's Diary Revealed [USMagazine]
Related: Jason Wahler's MySpace Page [MySpace]

We started off by watching a video wherein Jason and his buddies screen an episode of The Hills, and masturbate. Then we visited Wahler's MySpace page, where we learned Wahler does not attend school, has trouble discerning between the words "to" and "too," and lives in a "penthouse." Later, we read a story in the Wall Street Journal about how difficult it is for students in Palm Beach — which is wealthy like Laguna but with more humidity — to relate to the troubles of the lower classes as depicted in Upton Sinclair's The Jungle. And that was when we remembered a little something we caught in the New York Times Book Review last weekend about a new social trend threatening the values and mores of American society: Capitalism. Suddenly, the terrible truth behind Wahler's seemingly-inexplicable rage all made sense!

Capitalism, Barber writes, "seems quite literally to be consuming itself, leaving democracy in peril and the fate of citizens uncertain." Children's lives are reduced to shopping excursions in which their identities are subsumed by brands — they're the Nike generation, Abercrombie kids, iPod addicts. Our political culture compounds this by elevating the private sector over the public, encouraging Americans to believe that anything the government can do, private enterprise can do better (for example, prisons-for-profit are preferable to those run by the state, mercenaries trump the Marines, and so on). Left unchecked, Barber warns, "infantilization will undo not only democracy but capitalism itself."

So there you have it, dismayed Hills fans: Don't say Karl Marx didn't warn you!

Cop: Wahler Called Me "N—-r" "Faggot" [TMZ]
Palm Beach Meets The Jungle [WSJ]
Proceed To Checkout [NYTBR]
Jason Wahler's Myspace Page

"LC's got really large beef curtains."

Sometimes — a Nicholson Baker book once pointed out to us — our opinion on an issue changes without us even realizing it. Whereas the term "sex tape" once inspired in us a sort of woozy, unclean feeling reminiscent of how we felt looking at Missing And Exploited Children pictures on the sides of milk cartons, now we're like, "Sex tape? A reality TV star? Really? Maybe potential employers will figure out a way to test for that, like with your piss or something. Huh. We don't know how they'd do that though."

Speaking of employers: Maybe LC should have been working for the Hearst Corporation, not Conde Nast. Because as you can see from our mash-up of LC and Jason with an item from this month's Redbook, the Teen Vogue intern was apparently right in step with the cultural mores of that rival company's readers.

The Hills Sex Tape Scandal [Perez Hilton]
Earlier: Jail Time For Jason [People.com]
Jason Wahler's MySpace Page