• And now, the cold, hard, retail reality sets in: Neiman Marcus and Net-A-Porter are dropping Ungaro for Spring. Barneys and Saks also aren't ordering. Lindsay Lohan and Mounir Moufarrige, what have you wrought! [Style.com]

• Ashley Tisdale does not yearn for a clothing line. "I've started a production company; I guess that's kind of my clothing line," says the actress. [WWD]
• The incredible Alexander McQueen shoes — both the bulbous hoof ones, and the ones that look like some piece of anthropomorphic weaponry out of eXistenZ, which Lady Gaga wore in the video for "Bad Romance" — are apparently a hit. The designer says he's been inundated with calls from women wanting to buy the so-called "Alien" shoes, albeit some who are interested in them as art pieces. The process by which the shoes are made is protected by copyright, says a spokesperson for the brand. No word on whether a commercial version will be produced for wide sale; McQueen is mulling a charity auction for the runway samples. [Grazia]
• Carlos Falchi's line of handbags for Target is in stores now through December 27th. The designer says, if he didn't have his current job, "I'd like to be a Brazilian cowboy." [TFI]
• Victoria Beckham's people are denying the rumors she is planning, with Simon Fuller, to open a modeling agency — perhaps a U.S. branch of Storm, in which Fuller holds a controlling stake — in New York. "There is absolutely no truth in the story regarding Victoria Beckham and Simon Fuller opening a modeling agency in New York," says her spokesman. "Victoria is concentrating all her efforts on her fashion line and her family." [Vogue UK]
• Daniel Lalonde, president of Louis Vuitton, basically confirmed Lara Stone will be the face of the spring campaign. [The Cut]
• Betsey Johnson is redesigning her stores. Gone will be the hot-pink walls, replaced with white walls and checkerboard floors, to better display the clothes. [Racked]
• Dooney & Bourke co-founder Frederic Bourke has been sentenced to 366 days in prison and a $1 million fine for his role in a failed scheme to bribe Azeri officials into privatizing Azerbaijan's oil company, which would have essentially deprived the country of profits from its greatest national resource. Bourke is appealing. [WWD]
• Model Karmen Pedaru spent a year as goalie on an Estonian national soccer team. [W]
• Funny, the only item this list of How To Look Like Gisele Bundchen is missing is: being born to look like Gisele Bundchen. (OK, so Nars Orgasm is bog standard by now, but $475 moisturizer? Come on.) [Blackbook]
• The BHV — pretty much the most awesome department store in Paris — is getting Beth Ditto and Jean-Charles de Castelbajac to do its holiday windows. Meanwhile, stately old Printemps has Natalia Vodianova. [WWD]
• The British Fashion Council will give an award to the winner of a public vote on who best "embodies the spirit of London." Nominees include Alexa Chung, Kate Moss, and Vivienne Westwood. [BFC]
• Jeffrey Monteiro might be taking over as head designer at Bill Blass. [WWD]
• Liz Lange is launching a lifestyle shopping site, apparently kind of like Gilt crossed with Daily Candy. [Crains]
• People are trying to save Luella on the Internet. [Fashionista]
• The Gossip Girl timeline is apparently now forever divided by the caesura of the Threesome; say Before The Threesome or After The Threesome, and everyone immediately knows what you mean. The boys on the show have been wearing a lot of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's line, Elizabeth & James, People notes. [People]
• Jason Wu is doing a capsule collection for Tse this spring. [WWD]
• Anthropologie is the most profitable of the three Urban Outfitters brands, quarterly results reveal. [TS]
• Marie Osmond is licensing her name to a fashion and home decor line. Every last piece in the Marie Lifestyle Collection will retail for under $100. Expect to see it in stores later this month. [UPI]
• Donna Karan's West Indies home is currently making us cry bitter tears of envy from our very black souls. [SB]

• Madonna is "begging" Gwyneth Paltrow to move back to New York so they can hang out and do yoga or whatever. Gwynnie lives in London with hubby Chris Martin, son Moses and daughter Apple. Will her Madgesty get what she wants? [The Sun]
• We reported this before and it may actually happen: Madonna is orchestrating a Britney-Justin reunion! Brit and JT will be on stage with Madge tonight when her Sticky & Sweet tour stops at Dodger Stadium. People are going to freak the fuck out. [Yahoo News]
• Brad Pitt and Oprah were both at the Obama victory rally in Grant Park, Chicago, but they missed one another "I was looking for you and would have invited you down to sit with the rest of us," Oprah told Brad. "You mean the non-VIP area?" Brad joked. He assured her that he took public transportation to be at the rally "just like everyone else." [Star]

• Beyoncé is giddy about Obama's win: "Whatever they want - if they need me to volunteer, they need me to sing, I'm there, and I'm ready. I'm just beyond excited." She was supposed to be in Japan on election night but postponed her trip: "I said, 'What am I doing? I'm completely making a bad decision. I have to go home, I'm gonna kill myself if I'm not home in America.'" Plus, she wept while watching the results come in: "I fell asleep crying and smiling at the same time. I woke up with mascara running and a smile on my face!" [AP]
• Mariah Carey heard that Michelle Obama played Mariah's song Hero for Barack before the election results were announced; she is "honored." [Mirror]
• Now that the Obamas are headed to the White House, Leslie Gray Streeter has written an open letter to Lorne Michaels of Saturday Night Live, saying: "you have to hire a black woman as a permanent cast member. Like, yesterday." [Palm Beach Post]
• Diddy partied with Q-Tip and Mark Ronson on election night. [Vanity Fair]
• There's video of Martha Stewart being ambushed on the street by Fox5 reporter Arnold Diaz, since a Martha-branded glass patio table from Kmart tends to "explode and shatter" and has been found "defective and dangerous." Martha says, "Oh that's old news," and blames the Chinese manufacturers Kmart uses. She claims she hasn't heard of any reported injuries, but the Diaz totally interviews a little girl who got cut! [CityFile]
• Kim Cattrall was asked if there will be a Sex And The City sequel, and She replied, "Yes, there will." Pardon me whilst I groan. [The Sun]
• Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson: Splitsville. He may have been controlling and emotionally abusive. [Star Magazine]
• Blake Fielder-Civil is no longer Blake Incarcerated! He was released yesterday and said: "I’m gonna see my wife and take her knickers down." But! Blake had to go directly to a rehab clinic, so Amy can't see him for seven days. Sigh. [The Sun]
• Here's video of Amy being harassed by photographers and fighting back, which this paper calls a "rampage." [The Sun]
• A beacon of Hope for Amy Winehouse: "Quincy Jones has taken her under his wing and put her back on the wagon. The two are collaborating on one or two projects and if anyone can save a talent like Amy, then it is Q." [Daily Express]
• Robin Williams is dating a 27-year-old painter named Charlotte Filbert, who happens to be staying with Ally Hilfiger. Small world. [Page Six]
• Padma Lakshmi is on the prowl, and she seems to want a billionaire. [Page Six]
• Who is Minnie Driver's baby daddy? Could he be a TV writer? [Page Six]
• Ashton Kutcher was seen partying with Wilmer Valderrama in West Hollywood. The '70s are back! [Yahoo News]
• Julianne Hough had surgery for endometriosis five days ago, and says she's "feeling phenomenal. I am still walking slow but I’m feeling good." [People]
• Samuel L. Jackson says it's strange to promote his new film, Soul Men, without Bernie Mac. "It's even weirder that he never saw the movie." [USA Today]
• Susan Lucci is out on Dancing With The Stars. [AP]
• What the hell is a "bacon buttie" or a "bacon sarnie"? And why does Daniel Craig love them so?! [Mirror]
• So you know how Harry Potter and Hermione Granger never hooked up? J.K. Rowling says it "could have gone that way" because Hermione "shared something very instense with Harry" but they're not meant to be together. Harry's true soulmate is Ginny, obvs. [Perez Hilton]
• For her fragrance campaign, Paris Hilton says, "I didn't have to lose weight, but I just wanted to look really good. I started doing Pliates." [Daily Express]
• Nick Hogan hasn't visited his friend, John Graziano, who's been in a coma since Nick's August 2007 car crash, because John's family won't let him into the hospital. [TMZ]
• Mos Def allegedly attacked a photographer in Vegas, back in August, and now a warrant has been issued for his arrest. [TMZ]
• Jamie Pressly and her fiancé "still love each other" but are no longer a couple. They're the parents of an 18-month-old son. [UPI, E!]
• Bruce Springsteen auctioned off a Harley, a guitar and a leather jacket for Stand Up For Heroes, a charity that raises money for injured troops returning from the Iraq war. [Fox 411]
• Lisa Rinna on getting cosmetic procedures: "You have to be careful. I'm a perfect example of that!" [ET]
• Michael J. Fox will appear in four episodes of Rescue Me early next year, and he'll play a paralyzed man in a wheelchair. "The funny part is me playing a paralyzed guy because I am the opposite of paralyzed. It's tricky just to even be still," he says. [Reuters]
• ABC has pulled the plug on Aylssa Milano's sitcom, Single With Parents. The show was to be a midseason replacement; creative differences tore it apart. Related: Who's the boss? [Yahoo News]
• Danny Bonaduce's divorce is final and he has to pay his ex-wife $16,000 a month. Dude's not giving up on marriage, though: He's shopping a TV show called The Next Mrs. Bonaduce. [AP]
• Rare film footage of the Beatles in Kansas City sold for $6,600 at an auction on Tuesday. It's a silent film, btw. [Reuters]
• This was in Midweek Madness, but here it is again: Carnie Wilson is pregnant. [People]
• Emily Deschanel has written a "10 Things You Don't Know About Women" column for Esquire. Number 6: "When a guy sends us a text, we analyze everything, down to the punctuation. 'Did he really use an umlaut? He must be smart!'" [Esquire]
• Even though he can't vote, Daniel Radcliffe went to the polls on election day, just to see what it was like. [Daily Express]
• An episode of Hannah Montana, in which a teen gets diagnosed with diabetes, won't air as planned. They're trying to consult with medical experts now and ensure the story is told properly. Something was done out of order, no? [UPI]
• Here's a picture of Pete Wentz, as a baby, being held by Joe Biden! [Perez Hilton]
• Do not click this NSFW link unless you want to see the guys from Jackass naked. Penises, people. You've been warned. [Perez Hilton]
• Jodie Foster on the woman she dumped after 14 years: "She's fine. She'll be very well taken care of." [E!]
• Great Scot! James McAvoy will be honored by his former drama school; he'll receive a Fellowship from the Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama (RSAMD) in Glasgow next month. [The Star]
• Country star Merle Haggard has a malignant tumor on his lung; he went to surgery on Mondayy and should be recovering as we speak. [Perez Hilton]
• Patrick Dempsey addressed the firing of Dr. Hahn on The Ellen DeGeneres Show yesterday by pulling a note "from ABC" from his pocket and reading: "'We've had a great time working with her and that the conclusion of her [role] has been orgasmic'—I'm sorry, I'm dyslexic—'organic ending to the storyline.'" [E!]
• Patrick Dempsey also says: "Thursday night is her last show, which is too bad, she has been a great character, and I don't know what happened with that story line. They decided not to continue it for some reason." [ET, People]
• Antonia Kidman, aka Nicole's sister, had an advice column in New Idea magazine, but she's left because it's "not going in the direction that she wants to be going." [News.com.au]
• "I live in a mobile home and I love it! It's small but chic and perfect for me and the kids [Brandon, 12 and Dylan, 10] It's fun having to sit on beanbags and do our washing at the laundrette." — Pamela Anderson. [The Sun]
• "After Barack Obama's victory I think we might have reached the moment for a coloured 007. I think the role could easily be played by a black actor, because the character created by Ian Fleming in the Fifties has undergone a great deal of evolution and continues to be updated." — Daniel Craig. [Telegraph]
• "I am far from being an expert. I’m not that musical. I don’t really know how a record is produced, and, funnily enough, I don’t want to. I listen from a punter’s perspective, as somebody who would buy a track. I base it on gut instinct. Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. Many times I disagree with producers and artists, and we listen to each other. It’s not about proving a point or being a loudmouth, I just want the record to be as good as it can be." — Simon Cowell. [Telegraph]
• "I'm so excited [about turning 16]. I always ask my mom, 'Can I drive your car in the parking lot?' And she’s like, 'No.' I want a BMW truck!" — Ali Lohan. [MSNBC]
• "Here's the best secret weapon I can give you: Hold off on having sex. Give him a little taste, but not too much… Keep him drooling. [When intimacy finally happens], get crazy! Fuck like a porno star!" — Tila Tequila. [Page Six]

MOE: Whoa 8:45 on the dot!
ON THE NOSE.
MEGAN: That's impressive!
MOE: I'm never on time!
MEGAN: Me neither!
MOE: So guess what? I thought I made this reservation to fly to Seattle tomorrow and it turns out the reservation is for today and tomorrow's flight is sold out, and tonight's flight is sold out!
MEGAN: Hey, I've never been to Seattle and I've always meant to go and I totally actually did that once, only I didn't find out until an hour after the flight actually left. I felt like the world's largest idiot.
MEGAN: Anyway, so the British judges ruled in favor of the Nazi sado-masochistic orgy guy in his lawsuit against the tabloids, because I know we were all on the edges of our seats about that.
And Rudy Giuliani's annoying male progeny is suing Duke for kicking him off the golf team because it will ruin his plans to become a professional golfer. You know, his shitty golfing won't, but Duke cutting him would. Apple, tree in terms of sheer annoyingness and hubris.
MOE: Um, does his mean young people actually might bother voting in this election?
That's a story about an attack ad the Let Freedom Ring foundation is running on MTV. Um, do conservatives ever do youth outreach? Also, in this campaign? What? Also, as attack ads go, it's pretty tame. And cost like $13 to produce.
MEGAN: God, I love the names of bullshit conservative groups! There's always some play on freedom, freedom to own guns and have your religious beliefs imposed on others and to not pay taxes, just not freedom of speech and right of assembly and to IM without the government reading it and to have an abortion.
MOE: Duke is one of those schools that could probably turn a lot of decent impressionable young conformists into abject douchebags but Andrew Giuliani probably had an advantage. He's suing the Duke golf team for booting him off in a "bizarre scheme"…
A bizarre scheme otherwise known as "What can I say, I got sick of the little bitch."

The suit contends the new coach, O.D. Vincent, wanted to reduce the size of the team and trumped up or exaggerated "minor" incidents as an excuse to cut Giuliani. Vincent, who had caused a stir at UCLA when his team there posed naked - holding ball baskets - in Golf Digest, accused Giuliani of driving out of a parking lot too fast, tossing a putter, busting a driver and throwing an apple at a teammate during an argument.

MEGAN: I think that throwing shit at people is generally grounds for getting kicked off of shit.
MOE: I predict success for young Andrew, because it is Duke and as everyone knows money pretty much buys you whatever there.
MEGAN: Well, there and everywhere else.
MOE: Yeah Duke is just apparently particularly bad, according to that story about rich dumb kids whose parents get courted on special fundraising tours starting when they are like 12.

Cissy Bunn acknowledges her daughter didn't fit the academic profile of a Duke student. "She's bright, she had good grades, but she doesn't meet the superstar status," Mrs. Bunn says. "Did my normal child take the place of somebody who could really make a difference in the world? Sure, yes, to an extent. But there are so many things you can lose sleep over. I'm happy for me and my child."

MEGAN: My alma mater has a special 2-year program for stupid little rich kids (and the occasional person with actual potential). It gets them a group of students that will pay full tuition and doesn't need financial aid, but lowers the average SAT scores of the university so much that they take those students out when reporting it to US News & World Report, so the magazine won't rank us anymore.
MOE: Anyway, I just remembered that story because it was kinda truly gross. Like, if elite boarding school and private tutors can't land you a 1300 on your SATs I am sorry but nothing will and you belong fucking elsewhere.
(I say that as a former private SAT tutor who managed to coax 1300s out of some reeeeeally rambunctious kids.)
MEGAN: SATs are a bullshit test anyway. Standardized tests are a tool of the Man, which is why I did so well on them. It's a matter of whether you know or have learned how to game the system. I think it's not that someone like that isn't smart, it's that she doesn't feel like she has to try because she'll get what she wants anywhere, so there's no need to learn how to game the system.
MOE: (I didn't realize at the time I should have been buying their Ritalin off them.)
MEGAN: It's sort of like how financial institutions figured that even if they fucked up hard core the government would still bail them out, so there was no need to practice self-regulation or risk-management, since there was little risk.
MOE: That's a fair point. I mean, I personally hated the "system gaming" stuff because it was like, "No the point of this test is to see whether you know implicitly how to game the system." So I just basically told the kids CONCENTRATE. And focused on critical reading and vocab. One kid asked me if I had been watching too much Dawson's Creek.
I wonder what Maude Bunn is doing these days! I bet she's on Facebook.
MEGAN: I never watched Dawson's Creek. I think the WB didn't come in so well on my TV at college. But James VanDerBeek or whatever went to my sister's college before he made it, if being on one show is considered "making it."
I mean, it's better than I've ever done, but then I'm kind of a shit actor even when I'm a decent liar.
MOE: I think that's a big deal if only because without Dawson's Creek we never would have had Television Without Pity.
One of the most important cultural institutions of our time.
And I say that as someone who doesn't even watch TV.
MEGAN: Which sucks now that Bravo bought and redesigned it.
MOE: Well, that would suck even more if I watched TV. So did you check that Erik Wemple item about how the Washington Post's 97-part Chandra Levy series is quite possibly doing better pageview-wise than their Pulitzer-winning Walter Reed series? Although there is no actual data they are releasing to support this so it is fundamentally speculation? Speculation based on no underlying grievances or suspicions whatsoever??
MEGAN: Oh, by the way, Michael Savage is "clarifying" his shitty stupid assholic remarks on autism being a fake disease. It turns out that the uptick in diagnoses is due to doctors and drug companies peddling their wares like they did with ADHD, even though there are no drugs to treat autism. I hate that fucking guy. Fuck him, someone, please find him and beat him about the head.
Also, OF COURSE it's doing better, it's seriously written like at a 3rd grade reading level and published in like easily-digestable chunks and containing little in the way of actual new information. Like, you keep waiting to learn something and then never do if you read anything about it
MOE: I mean, is one thing to joke that, like, fibromyalgia or bipolar disorder is fake, but autism? Did he miss that Babysitter's Club? Also, in all seriousness, what are they prescribing to the autistic kids? I mean, I don't know nothing, but if it's SSRIs that's sort of a racket. Beyond that, regarding the Post, you know how carefully I monitor the Most-Viewed list because it provides a hilarious counterpart to the New York Times Most Emailed List. And right now Chandra is #5. I really think most of the Dana Priest investigations did better than that. The real mystery is Public Enemy Robert Novak, whose column — syndicated column! — is always like #1 or #2 for at least a few hours.
MEGAN: Also, you heard, the guy Bob Novak hit was a homeless dude? And he really did roll onto the hood and fall off and Novak drove away? I'm like, for real-real? You hit a guy at rush hour and figure no one will notice? What did he think this was, New York?
MOE: (Oh and guys! I know bipolar is real!! As is fibromyalgia! But it is true that bipolar is way over-diagnosed so the pharmas can maximize the profits on their schizophrenia meds before they lose their patents, so that is all I am saying!)
MEGAN: Also, I don't think that most autism patients are on medication. My cousin isn't. It doesn't really work like that, not that Michael Savage fucking knows because he knows so little about it.
MOE: You know who makes me appreciate our beloved commenters more? Yglesias's!
MEGAN: Oh, totally, his commenters all hate him. Oh, wait. Did I mention that I've been here long enough — 9 months since I first wrote for you guys — that I have commenters that hate me too?
MOE: Hahaha I thought they all loved you! They are always like "Megan is a captain of industry and Moe is the one who says outrageous shit that doesn't even make sense," which anyway, brings me to Savage, and his "autistic kids are just little brats who obviously need a good spanking" line of argument. And shit like this will resonate with folks who wonder what happened to the days when you used to grin and bear it and not belabor things — shit, not even talk about things — and everyone sort of fell in line, except that one kid in every family who just sorta became a "black sheep" or a hermetic spinster or an alcoholic or a suicide case…you know? And I basically think most of it comes back to the economy. Anyway
You got bumped off over there?
We should probs address the Berlin speech.
MEGAN: Yes, I got bumped off but I am back and, actually, that speaks to the issue in my family because my cousin who has Asperger's syndrome, his grandmother on the other side of the family was like, whatever, you're just coddling him, his father was the same way and everyone on our side of the family was like, ohhhhhhh.
Yes, Berlin. 200,000 screaming Germans. We should all be friends! Hooray.