NPR:

Even at their bloodiest, though, those directors never sent their characters through the abbatoir the way Wanted does. As part of his training, Wesley gets pummeled mercilessly — and the existence of the Fraternity's miraculous "recovery room" doesn't make the damage any easier to watch.

Bekmambetov sometimes shows evidence of a lighter touch, as in the scene where a furious Wesley smashes a computer keyboard and the now-detached keys spell out a taunting message as they hurtle through the air.

Too bad the director doesn't show a similar irreverence toward such inane plot devices as "the loom of fate." Night Watch and Day Watch had ludicrous elements of their own, but those movies weren't nearly as into their own nonsense as Wanted is.

Los Angeles Times:

In a movie that musters barely more than a dozen speaking parts, there are heroes and there is cannon fodder. In a thrilling face-to-face battle that sends a passenger train plummeting into a gorge, there's not even a pause to acknowledge the collateral damage of the duel between supermen. Bekmambetov savors the way a target's forehead explodes as a bullet burrows through from the back, but the slaughter of innocents fails to hold his interest.

As much fun as it is to watch Bekmambetov play with his action figures, the movie would be more engaging if he ever got under their polyurethane skin. McAvoy tries mightily to bridge the gap between wheezy nebbish and eager assassin, but there's nothing pushing him forward beyond the movie's pronounced contempt for his former life. In "Wanted's" cosmos, there are wolves and there are sheep, and the sheep are not even worth pitying.

New York Sun:

The movie has its moments, one or two good jokes, and a satisfactory number of exploding heads, but, whatever its director's aspirations, it fails to convey that sense of another world — ours but not quite — that ought to be key to any comic book adaptation. A film of this type should be a magic carpet ride, exhilarating and impossible. "Wanted," by contrast, is as functional as a trip on the crosstown bus, complete with stops, starts, and periods of boredom.

Salon:

That's why Wesley's escape from mundane life is so cathartic for us, the audience. McAvoy is a young actor who has already proved himself in several radically different roles, among them a clueless young doctor in "The Last King of Scotland" and a tragic romantic hero in "Atonement," as well as, of course, a faun in a jaunty red scarf. Here, he's an Everyman with a shot at finally being somebody. Watching Wesley imitate, or attempt to imitate, Fox's leapfrog flips and gazelle-like grand jetés (on top of a moving train, no less), is freeing for us, too. "Wanted" has a sense of humor about itself — a sick one — and a pulse, albeit one that beats deep beneath the corpselike coldness of its surface. But McAvoy, jittery and alive, is its central nervous system. He feels it where it hurts.

Entertainment Weekly:

Wanted is kind of unintelligible and idiotic. Also kind of nasty and brutish. And also undeniably kind of fun, especially when Angelina Jolie, as an assassin (assassiness? assassinix?) appropriately named Fox, narrows her cat eyes, sets her lush mouth, flashes an Illiad's worth of tattooed text on her impossible bod, and brandishes firearms.

Wired:

Orchestrating the picture's gut-thumping action is Russian director Timur Bekmambetov (the Night Watch horror trilogy). He goes to the well a few times too many with his beloved slo-mo sequences, but Bekmambetov's noir heart is in the right place. Live-action stunt work dominates CGI effects in Wanted: Rats attack, cars vault through space with unearthly grace, shooters bend their bullets' trajectories, trains fall into gorges with a satisfying crunch and faces get pummeled in the best Fight Club tradition.

The New Republic:

Any film that features Angelina Jolie as an international assassin is, pretty much by definition, a film that glamorizes violence. But Wanted, the Hollywood debut of Kazakh-Russian director Timur Bekmambetov, does more than glamorize. It glorifies. It fetishizes. It consecrates. The crunch of bone against bone, the rasp of blade through flesh, and (especially) the planting of bullet in forehead such that it may emerge as a crimson bloom out the back of the skull—the movie's commitment to the staging of such traumas is so complete that they almost seem justified on aesthetic grounds alone.

Wanted is in many ways a deplorable film, but it is also—and, depending upon your perspective, this is either a good or a bad thing—an immensely stylish, effective one. More than any film since The Matrix, it is a ballet of brutality. But unlike Keanu's excellent adventure, which tarted itself up with mystical mumbo jumbo and a sci-fi conceit (and made sure most of its victims were computer simulations), Wanted is blunt and unapologetic. I don't believe I've ever seen a movie that advertised itself more plainly as an escapist fantasy for masculine impotence.

The New York Times:

What does turn up looks familiar — the slowed bullets, the air that ripples like water, an underground group, here called the Fraternity — especially if you’ve seen “The Matrix.” Although Mr. Bekmambetov and his team take plenty of cues from that film, they have tried to distinguish their dystopian nightmare by borrowing from even farther afield. To that end the Fraternity practices its murderous skills on pig carcasses (much as Daniel Day-Lewis does in “Gangs of New York”) while bunkered in a sprawling factory (that looks like Hogwarts). I’m pretty sure I saw the fabulous recovery room — a concrete spa filled with sunken tubs and lighted candles where Fraternity members go for restorative soaks after a hard day of carnage — in a layout in Vogue.

TIME:

As if in instant celebration of the Supreme Court's ruling on a citizen's right to bear arms — and of the newly articulated "individual right to possess and carry weapons in case of confrontation" — the burly new fantasy Wanted reveals the magic that can blossom when you put a gun in the hand of a meek wage slave and tell him he was born to be a righteous killer. Directed at a pitch of gritty giddiness by the Kazakhstan-born Timur Bekmambetov, who did the DVD faves Night Watch and Day Watch, this hard-R splatter-fest about a team of sanctified assassins is also the summer's zazziest action movie.

'Wanted' opens today, nationwide.

[Los Angeles, June 19. Image via Splash.]

[Images via Splash.]

• Angelina Jolie confirms: She is having twins. You knew that, right? Anyway an exclusive interview scored by NBC's Today show was lifted by NBC's Access Hollywood and now NBC producers are pissed at each other. [Page Six]
  
• It was Jack Black who spilled the beans about Angie's twins, actually. [People]
  
• Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo might still be together. Unfortunately, that's not as interesting as if they were broken up. [E!]
  
• Um, more Britney pregnancy rumors. I'm scared. Someone hold me. [Mirror]
  
• Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty kissing. This is one of those pictures where obviously the buss was on the cheek but it kind of looks like they were heading for the lips. In any case, the paper calls them a "gruesome twosome." [Mirror]
  
• To be honest, Pete's got something weird on his lip and face. It is kind of gruesome. [The Sun]
  
• Meanwhile, Blake Incarcerated says Amy Winehouse will die without him, but he doesn't want to go back to her when he gets out of jail because she is doing drugs. [News.com.au]

• Madonna's court adoption ruling has been delayed. The judge needs to review some paperwork. [Reuters]
• Mariah Carey's ex-boyfriend, producer Mark Sudack, whom she was with for almost four years, is "shattered" that MC is suddenly married to someone else. He and Mariah just broke up in the beginning of 2008. [MSNBC]
• Fantasia was a "trainwreck" on American Idol. [Perez Hilton]
• Sean "Diddy" Combs is looking for sponsors for his Cannes yacht party. Any takers? [Mirror]
• Actress Michelle Trachtenberg (Buffy, Gossip Girl) fainted in the middle of a downtown NYC party. But! Homegirl rallied and stayed out the rest of the night. That's how Georgina Sparks would do it! [Page Six]
• Rumor has it Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will be getting married this weekend in a seven-figure ceremony. Friends and family were notified via Evites, haha. The good news is they were apparently made for each other; a source says: "Ashlee is so needy, she just hangs all over Pete. But he loves it. He's always had a thing for vulnerable girls...They complete each other." [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "Which young actress may be a little too much like her TV character? At a wrap party for her show, the tween got totaled at the bar and had to crawl into a waiting taxi." [Rush & Molloy]
• Anne Heche's show, Men In Trees, was canceled and now she can't afford to pay child and spousal support. Unemployment sucks. [People]
• Halle Berry has a new diamond ring! On her ring finger. But it's not from her baby daddy. She bought it for herself. So very modern. [People]
• Star Jones is "sexy, single and heating up the Cannes Film Festival." Wait, what? [ET]
• The Season 3 finale of Flavor of Love is the show's finale episode. Ever. It's the end of the series. Well, we'll always have Under One Roof. Ugh. [UPI]
• A contestant on Australia's Next Top Model came close to a nervous breakdown from being bullied by the other girls in the house. [News.au.com]
• Hugh Grant, Liz Hurley and her husband Arun Nayar won £58,000 in damages for invasion of privacy over photographs taken of them on holiday. That's enough cash for another trip! [BBC News]
• Superbad star Jonah Hill in a modern-day 21 Jump Street? Dude is no Johnny Depp. Or Peter DeLuise, for that matter. [Variety]
• A hybrid car was flown from Japan to Paul McCartney in London and critics are saying that any environmental benefits from using the car would be undermined by its mode of delivery. Sigh. [Guardian]
• Sean Penn lit up two cigarettes at the Cannes Film Festival, in violation on French laws against smoking in public buildings. Badass! [USA Today]
• The ladies of Sex And The City are on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, because they have not had enough publicity lately. [Just Jared]
• Oprah's dead dogs, commemorated in sculpture and sitting on her head. [TMZ]
• PETA still hates Mary-Kate Olsen. [Peta2]
• James McAvoy in Mean magazine: Hot. [ONTD]
• "I put on 40 pounds with Moses. And I found it really hard to loose the last 20 pounds. I didn't mind having the big boobs. But it was the stomach roll, the back fat, and the post-pregnant butt. And it was so hard to get rid of." — Gwyneth Paltrow. [People]
• "Samantha, she's Aphrodite. She loves them and leaves them. She has no guilt about her desires. If I'm associated with sexuality until the day I die I'll be happy — because I intend to be sexual until the day I die." — Kim Cattrall on her Sex And The City character. [The Sun]
• "When I see pictures [of myself] I do sometimes think, 'You miserable cow!'" — Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham. [Mirror]

• While Justin Timberlake was working with Madonna on her album, Madge offered JT a B-12 shot. "She proceeds to pull a Ziploc bag of B-12 syringes out [of her purse] and says, 'Drop 'em.' I don't know what you say to that, so I immediately dropped my pants," Justin says. "She gave me a shot in my ass and looks at me and says, 'Nice top shelf.' That was one of the greatest days of my life." [People]
  
• Last night, Madonna was been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Music. Makes the people. Come together. Music makes the bourgeoisie and the rebel. [Mirror]
  
• A source calls Lindsay Lohan's new friends "leeches." Maybe LL is used to that? CoughmommyDinacoughcough? [Page Six]
  
• Dina Lohan on her show, Living Lohan, which begins shooting on the 16th and will air around Memorial Day on E!: "Be nice to us." [Gatecrasher]
  
• "I may be Eccentric, i certainly speak my mind and am slow to put out a record i need to mean the world to ME, and im sure i am quite Nuerotic [sic] but 'Bi Polar'. Thats just slander." — Courtney Love. [Rush & Molloy]
  
• Yeah, yeah, we know. Patricia Heaton has no belly button. [TMZ]

• On her MySpace page, Brooke Hogan speaks out against her friend who had a fling with her father, Hulk Hogan: "I think she shoulda thought about what kinda press she was gonna get when she slept with her best friend's famous father . . . I think we're all seeing just exactly how karma works Christiane. Nothing you say will ever put my family back together." [Page Six]
• Superbad star Jonah Hill: Smokes his weed out of an apple bong. Just like Charlize! [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which 8-year-old son of a daytime TV personality told gossip reporters on the red carpet that he had recently come down from bed to find his famous mom drinking margaritas on the terrace? 'She told me she was going to do the dishes, but she lied to me!' the tyke complained earnestly." [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which clean-cut pop star is a jerk behind closed doors? When a top model accidentally sat on his jacket at a recording studio, the warbler sprinted over and demanded she move immediately." [Rush & Molloy]
• Britney's lawyers are trying to get Kevin Federline to pay his own legal bills; K-Fed pleads poverty — despite recently tipping a waitress $2000 on a $365 bill. Being a bad-ass baby daddy is expensive! [Rush & Molloy]
• Meanwhile, Britney may get some financial independence back: A judge ruled that Dad Jamie can give her a debit card that has a $1500 per week limit on it. [TMZ]
• American Idol alum Sanjaya appeared at a Bat Mitzvah on Long Island and sang two songs — for free. Oy. [TMZ]
• Jessica Simpson does not have her pricey hairdresser with her in Kuwait; she flew a commercial airline and not a private jet, and she is staying in the barracks. "She has significantly scaled back her entourage," he rep says. Just so you know. [People]
• Project Runway winner Christian Siriano says the Saturday Night Live skit in which Amy Poehler does an impression of him was "SO FUNNY. The hair was absolutely perfect. I don't think I could have done it better myself. It was fierce!" [People]
• Mark Ronson will notbe DJing Suri Cruise's second birthday party. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." [ONTD]
• Aww! Emma Watson, aka Hermione Granger, has a new boyfriend. "We've only been going out together for three weeks, but it's brilliant at the moment." [Mirror]
• Uh, this paper claims Jennifer Aniston has dumped her man, Brian Bouma, a crew member on a film she was working on. Did you even know they were seeing each other? Wasn't she with Jason Lewis? [Mirror]
• James McAvoy says Angelina Jolie was rough with him in their new film, Wanted: "She kicked seven colors of poo out of me but, thankfully, I'm still in one piece." [Mirror]
• "Cheeky" photographs of Gisele Bundchen and Kate Moss are being auctioned off. And by cheeky we mean naked. [The Sun]
• HBO has ordered 13 episodes of The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, a show based on the best-selling books. Singer Jill Scott stars! [Concrete Loop]
• Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch is in ruins. The Ferris wheel has rusted, the mansion has broken windows and the paint is peeling. The perfect set for a horror film! [The Sun]
• Rosie O'Donnell and Kathy Griffin made a video where they talk about Barbara Walters, lube, Helen Mirren, etc. [Perez Hilton]
• Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis is free. He's out of a Nevada jail and headed to Florida, where he'll face charges related to filming underaged girls. [USA Today]
• Janet Jackson is co-writing a book about her journey as an "emotional eater." Um, yay? [Reuters]
• Tori Spelling has a book, too! It's called Stori Telling, of course. She talks about her nose job, boob job, a passionless marriage and trouble with her mother. Also: When her dad died, she only got $800,000 of his estimated $500 million fortune. [USA Today]
• Van Halen continues to postpone shows as Eddie Van Halen continues to undergo tests for an undislosed medical condition. [Reuters]
• Gene Simmons: Bald. [Seriously OMG WTF]

• Oscar winner Marion Cotillard has conspiracy theories! She questions the attack on the World Trade Center towers: "We see other towers of the same kind being hit by planes. There was a tower, I believe it was in Spain, which burned for 24 hours. It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there (in New York), in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed." Plus! She doubts Neil Armstrong! "Did a man really walk on the moon? I saw plenty of documentaries on it, and I really wondered," she says. "I don't believe all they tell me, that's for sure." [Variety]
  
• Are Britney and Adnan Ghalin dunzo? Did she throw his iPhone into the pool after finding "saucy" texts from another woman? [The Sun]
  
• Jennifer Lopez has indeed, as previously reported, named her twins Max and Emme. A reader points out that those were the names of the kids in the cartoon Dragon Tales. WTF? [CNN, YouTube]
  
• Colin Farrell is hooked on Russian steam baths. "There's something very basic about rubbing honey on your skin and going steaming with a bunch of strange Russian men," he says. Well, it's healthier than drugs and alcohol, for sure. [UPI]

• Jamie Lynn Spears' unborn kid is prolly a boy. Hopefully we won't be named Casey Lynn. [MSNBC]
• A new photography show features the tattoos of Lindsay Lohan. Highbrow! [Page Six]
• Family drama! Atonement star James McAvoy hasn't spoken to his father, James McAvoy Senior, in 21 years. And his 18-year-old half-brother, Donald, is in the clink for stabbing a man eight times. [Daily Mail]
• Simon Cowell doesn't believe in marriage, for financial reasons. "The truth is that you get married and in a year or two they clean you out! We have contracts with artists that are 120 pages long and last five years. Then you go into marriage with no contract and the laws are a thousand years old." [Mirror]
• Oh, and Simon was offered a million dollar deal to be the "face" of Viagra. His response: "Sorry, but that has to be a fucking insult." [The Sun]
• What??? A plot to kill Mick Jagger??? Oh... In 1969. [USA Today]
• Aussie model Gemma Ward, who was linked to Heath Ledger, says, "He told me to always be a punk and 'stand up for yourself.'" [Sydney Morning Herald]
• One of Paris Hilton's dogs is "mating" with the Yorkie of Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson. [Gatecrasher]
• While filming The Other Boleyn Girl, Scarlett Johansson was voted the world's sexiest woman by a men's mag. Some of the crew said she looked more like a grungy teenager; Scarlett heard and "lost her temper." Who could blame her? [UPI]
• Meanwhile, Scarlett is offering herself up on eBay; a night with her is being auctioned off for Oxfam. [Mirror]
• Paris Hilton has been seen hanging out with a "bearded guru." [Mirror]
• The spirit guide blessed a necklace Paris was wearing and then advised her to give it away, so some chick at Urth Cafe was the lucky recipient. [TMZ]
• Blind item! "Which single-ish A-list actor is back to his old ways since splitting with his wife? He was seen handing off a suspicious-looking vial to a hard-partying TV thesp who is about to hit the big screen." [Gatecrasher]
• Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz is opening a punk-themed unisex beauty parlor in his native Chicago, so everyone can be flatironed into oblivion. Joy! [Rush & Molloy]
• Jason Davis, brother of Mischa Barton's ex, Brandon Davis, was arrested for cocaine possession over the weekend. [TMZ]
• Mark Ronson is DJing Suri Cruises' 2nd birthday party? Seriously? [TMZ]
• Sophie Monk has released a statement: "Benji Madden did not leave me for Paris Hilton." Hmm, we never thought that, but whatever. Also: Paris has a new ring on her "engagement finger," is it from Benji? [People]
• Now that the writers' strike is over, Eva Longoria-Parker is getting back in shape, because apparently the pregnancy rumors stemmed from her gaining weight. Except she is plenty thin! What is wrong with people? [People]
• Prince Harry, back home from Afghanistan: "I wouldn't say I'm a hero. here were two injured guys who came back on the plane with us who were essentially comatose throughout the whole way. One had lost two limbs — a left arm and a right leg — and another guy who was saved by his mate's body being in the way but took shrapnel to the neck. Those are the heroes. Those were guys who had been blown up by a mine that they had no idea about, serving their country, doing a normal patrol." [People]
• Rapper Juvenile is "shocked and devastated" after learning that his 4-year-old daughter, her mother and another child were shot dead in their home in Lawrenceville, GA. [MTV News]
• Miley Cyrus and her dad are on the cover of a magazine called Cowboys & Indians. [ONTD]
• A judge dismissed part of actress Hunter Tylo's lawsuit against her late son's therapist. Her 19-year-old son drowned last October and Tylo sued the therapist, who had counseled the family. [UPI]
• Vanessa Williams and ex-husband Rick Fox were making the rounds Saturday, helping their daughter sell Girl Scout Cookies. [Concrete Loop]
• American Idol reject Robbie Carrico swears his hair is not a wig or weave. "I've been growing this hair for a very long time," Carrico says. Perhaps it's time to cut it off? [People]
• Mariah Carey on the cover of Allure! [The.Life Files]
• Will Ferrell's new flick was a dud at the box office, making a mere $15.3 million. [Reuters]

[Image via Getty.]

Lenny Kraviz: Let Love rule.

[Image via AP.]

James McAvoy, oh, boy.

[Image via AP.]

Eva Mmmmmmmmmendes.

[Image via AP.]

Joaquin: Feel the flames from the fire of the Phoenix.

[Image via AP.]

Mary J. Blige: Real Love.

[Image via AP.]

Toro! Toro!

[Image via AP.]

The Good: Kimberley Stewart is shockingly ,the only one who got the memo about keeping things classy. God bless Kylie Minogue: The woman only gets better with age. Naomi Harris looks gorgeous and glowing in orange. Love orange. Also nom nom James McAvoy!

The Bad: Another day, another opinion: This morning I feel totally over Lily Allen's dopey florals. Kelly Brook is dressed for the prom? I really want to like Kate Hudson's dress. But I can't.

The Ugly: Hey look! It's the girl from the Blind Melon music video! Hey look! It's Janice from Mean Girls! Just horrible, Hagyness.

[All photos via Bauer-Griffin.]

• Diva drug discovery! Before she went to court to support her jailed husband, Amy Winehouse snorted ecstasy, cocaine, and smoked crack. Friends asked her to come out with them and she said, "I'd be useless to you because I've had about six Valium." Wait, what? [Page Six]
  
• Holy crap and here are pictures — and video of Amy smoking crack. Ugh. [The Sun]
  
• Britney showed up for her deposition. She testified for two and a half hours, and could come back for another round. Progress! [TMZ]
  
• "Britney calls the paparazzi before she goes out," says photographer Alison Silva. "We know 15 minutes before she leaves the house. It's all staged." [Page Six]

• Oscarwatch: A "senior Hollywood figure" says: "I am 90% confident the Academy Awards will not go ahead." [Gatecrasher]
• Carla Bruni was asked if she is indeed married to French President Nicolas Sarkozy. "Not yet," she said. Those crazy kids. [Reuters]
• Sundance news: Nicky Hilton's boyfriend David Katzenberg was seen pulling down his pants and photographing his "private parts"; Paris Hilton kissed and gave a lap dance to Jared Leto. Anyone see any movies? [Page Six]
• Meanwhile Paris has been scooping up loads of free shit, like a $1500 baby gift basket (probs for Harlow Madden) an iPhone and an XBox. Because, you know, she can't afford that stuff on her own. [MSNBC]
• Oooh, Gossip Girl gossip! Leighton (Blair Waldorf) Meester and Blake (Serena van der Woodsen) Lively "avoid each other like the plague," says an insider. Xoxo! [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which legendary singer is being kept on a tight leash by her producer as she works on her comeback album? She was not allowed to attend a glitzy weekend celebrity event over fears for her sobriety." [Gatecrasher]
• John Travolta is coming to the defense of fellow Scientologist Tom Cruise. "We all have — the right to practice how we feel," he says. And he feels like the power of Xenu is awesome! [People]
• Dr. Phil says he's not sorry for trying to help Britney while she was hospitalized, and that he does not need to apologize for reaching out to a friend. Yawn. Go away. [AP]
• Oh, and the staff of Dr. Phil's show is disgruntled and "fed up." [MSNBC]
• Guess who else is mad at Dr. Phil? Oprah. Uh-oh. [MSNBC]
• The father of R&B singer Usher has passed away, though the cause of death is not known. [UPI]
• Unrelated: Hot pictures of Brad Pitt! [Perez Hilton]
• Hot pictures of James McAvoy! [ONTD]

US
Britney is SICK! Declares the cover, showing Brit with her broke-ass weave and hideously unflattering Halloween costume. Inside we learn that Spears got straight Fs on the Parenting Report Card graded by her court-appointed parenting coach because her home life is "chaotic." A "confidant" thinks Brit is suffering from adult onset ADD or postpartum depression. Us then provides a handy chart delineating the signs of mental illness for those of us not already convinced that Brit is batshit. In Hills news, the axis of evil known as Spencer Pratt is allegedly shopping a sex tape "under the guise that it had been 'stolen.'" The tape shows Pratt n' pals hooking up with a bunch of Brazilian hussies. Later, Audrina catches JustinBobby making out with a redhead at L.A. club Opera and has since begun dating Australian pro BMXer Corey Bohan. Also inside: did Katie Holmes run the marathon without a bra (but with lipstick and eyeshadow)? Are Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson really dating? "Did Brad Get Dissed by Barak?" Are Christina Applegate and ex-husband Johnathon Schaech back together? What is the meaning of life?
Grade: C- (cold mac n' cheese the next morning)

Life & Style
Angelina's Sexy Kiss With Another Man! chastises the cover (and hey look, they went back to the old logo!) though inside we learn that her kiss was part of a scene with Scotsman James McAvoy for her upcoming movie Wanted. It's called ACTING, people. But we are reminded that Angie has a history of boning her costars, as she hooked up with Brad and exes Billy Bob Thornton and Jonny Lee Miller on set. Allegedly Brad is jealous of her steamy scene and also of her hot new bodyguard, another Scottish bloke named Billy. Britney's mom gives L&S an exclusive interview in which she says "I blame myself," for Britney's erratic behavior. It's kind of a bummer! In addition: Bennifer v. 2.0 is purportedly feeling the strain of their busy schedules, as Jennifer Garner is in New York acting in a revival of Cyrano and Ben is on the road promoting his directorial debut Gone Baby Gone. As a result, Ben's been hitting the sauce pretty hard again. Finally, there is a spread of Jennifer Aniston high school photos where she sports sweatpants and also her old nose.
Grade: D+ (cinnamon raisin bagel dug out of the garbage)

OK!
The cover shows adorable Jayden James and Sean Preston saying "Mommy We Miss You!" The "two forgotten princes of Malibu" are left in the car while Brit goes chandelier shopping and she never lets them have playdates with other, possible more hygienic children. An interview with "the anti-Britney" Carrie Underwood reveals that she loves the bad boys and enjoys drinking Coors beer, long walks on the beach and dolphins. "They're like giant, rubbery, wet dogs!" Kate Hudson and Orlando Bloom sucked face at her Halloween party (in front of ex-boyfriend Dax!!) but they're not really dating. Tyra Banks is dating a 50-year-old banker named John Utendahl, and his buddies are not pleased with Ty Ty's divaness. "Tyra insisted his friends delete iPhone pics they had taken as a group because she hadn't been styled!"
Grade: D (warm cottage cheese and prunes)

In Touch
Tom's still keeping secrets from Katie, the cover tells us. A new book by Andrew Morton (of Lady Di bio fame) exposing Tom's "deepest demons" is hitting bookstores next January. Katie is worried that Suri's paternity might be questioned by Morton because the alien baby's birth certificate was not signed until 20 days after she was born. In addition, Morton explores the gay innuendos that have plagued Tom since his marriage to Mimi Rogers, who had said he was celibate during their union. The book also rehashes the old rumor that Katie auditioned to be Tom's beard... er, wife, along with fellow starlets Jessica Alba and Kate Bosworth and alleges that Tom's past relationships were "photo opportunities" rather than "romances." In Touch carries details of the fracas at Oprah's South African academy. Disgraced school matron Tiny Makopo reportedly "grabbed a student by the throat and threw her against the wall." Also inside: George Clooney and Fabio got in a fistfight at Madeo in West Hollywood over some photos being taken by Fabio's party. Clooney asked one of Fabio's companions to stop taking pictures, and Fabio told George to "Stop being a diva." Zing! A scuffle ensued between George and Fabio but waiters broke it up before it got too intense. The Olsen twins had a garage sale and made a cool $25,000 off their homeless chic cast-offs.
Grade: C (peanut butter and jelly on untoasted Wonderbread)

Star
The cover asks whether Angelina and her bodyguard have become "too close?" Bodyguard Billy (no one knows his last name!) escorted Ange to a screening of A Mighty Heart. A friend of the couple says that Angelina "finds [Billy] attractive and she's reacting to it. She's flirtatious. She's a sexual creature." Britney's ashamed of her childhood because she grew up poor, says mom Lynne's forthcoming book. Also, her break-up with Justin was scheduled. According to a family insider, apparently things had been in decline for a while and towards the end, both Timberlake and Spears were using their bond for publicity. Finally, Lynne is in dire financial straits because Brit stopped giving her money. Helena Bonham Carter farted during a sex scene with Paul Bettany while filming The Heart of Me. Star also links Shia LaBeouf's recent Walgreens arrest to his break-up with Rihanna. Shia is allegedly insane with jealousy over her new relationship with Josh Hartnett.
Grade: D- (possibly rancid leftover General Tso's)