Volvo just launched WhatDrivesEdward.com. Because nothing says says "vampire" like a shiny Swedish "crossover" vehicle. (Watch out! The dramatic violin music on that website might… put you to sleep.)

Writes AdWeek's Kenneth Hein:

"Presumably with Twilight being a tween girl franchise, they are hoping that the message might be picked up by moms to use the Volvo to take their adolescent little vampires to soccer practice," said Lucian James of the brand strategy consultancy Agenda.

Wow, that sounds… absolutely ridiculous! Here's how they're tying together Edward Cullen's creepy obsessive need to take care of Bella with a $34,000 hatchback:

There's more to life than a Volvo. There's having the power to keep safe what you hold most dear.

Lame.

Just like there are 7 vampires better than Edward Cullen, there are at least two spooky cars better than his dumb Volvo:

The Munsters' car.

The Addams Family car.

Because just like Edward, a the Volvo XC60 doesn't have any bite.

Twilight's 'New Moon' Rises For Volvo [AdWeek]
WhatDrivesEdward.com [Volvo]

Earlier: 7 Vampires Better Than Twilight's Edward Cullen

Here's the entire segment. Seriously, the kid is adorable, and I understand not wanting to go to church, but, again: he got "grounded" for only four days?! At least he drives American.

Related: Cops Chase 7-Year Old Dodge Driver [Jalopnik]

Related: Race for a Cab: When Hailing a Ride Isn't So Black and White [ABC News]
Mr. Cab Driver [YouTube]

…vehicle size, that is. (McConaughey's got Airstream trailers: a "28-footer" and a "35-footer.") Things quickly escalate, and they next thing you know, Ford trucks, airplanes, blenders and Iron Chef are involved.

[Indianapolis, May 8. Image via Getty]

INDIANAPOLIS - MAY 08: Danica Patrick drives of the #7 Motorola Andretti Green Racing Dallara Honda during practice for the IRL IndyCar Series 93rd running of the Indianapolis 500 on May 8, 2009 at Indianapolis Motor Speedway in Indianapolis, indiana. (Photo by Jonathan Ferrey/Getty Images)

[Los Angeles, April 3. Image via INFDaily.]

[Paris, February 15. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[Beverly Hills, January 14. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Most of us can probably list at least a few celebrity arrests. If you don’t remember Paris Hilton’s DUI, you might still have heard about Britney’s driving-with-a-baby scandal. It seems like every time a celebrity gets behind the wheel, it makes national news. But, Slate argues, this does not make celebrities bad drivers. They are just overexposed and driving in more dangerous conditions than the rest of us — due to the paparazzi and all. The good news: we don’t care! Bad behavior in cars is usually viewed as a “folk crime,” so even though it may be dangerous to drive after a few drinks, enough people have done it that it no longer seems to count as “real crime.” Celebrities: they’re just like us!

Oops! She Crashed It Again [Slate]

Related: Foreign Imports Will Be The End Of Britney Spears

• A little too late, Britney Spears regrets allowing her misdemeanor charge for driving without a license to go to trial. Maybe because the jury started deliberating on Friday and Brit realized if found guilty, she faces a maximum of six months in jail. The $1,000 fine? Not that big of a deal. [MSNBC]
• The Spears jury is presently deadlocked. They're split 10-2, but whether they're leaning toward guilt or innocence is not known. [CBS News, People]
• Britney! Live! On Good Morning America! December 2! [Page Six]
• Brit's hired Wade Robson to choreograph her new world tour. He's the one who did the Slave 4 U moves and can't wait to get started. Plus, he says of Brit's problems: "When you exist in a warped world, warped things are going to happen to you." [The Sun]
• Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty are on vacation in Italy. Again. They were just there in July. [People]
• Chevy Chase was not impressed by Sarah Palin on SNL: "Quite frankly, it's a big mistake to let her go on," he says. "What was brilliant about Lorne [Michaels] was that he had nothing written for Sarah and that apparently she cannot improvise herself out of a paper bag!" He also says: "If anything, you just want her to be seen just from a distance. I'm sure she's very bright. But so is the Butterworth woman." [UPI]

• Gwyneth Paltrow on Madonna: "You know, she's a dear friend, and I'm supporting her in all [the] ways that I can. I'm just here for her. I'm just here on the other end of the phone, really. I speak to her a lot." [Us Magazine]
• Trudie Styler on Madonna and Guy: "They're both dear friends of mine and all good things sometimes come to an end. Obviously they've been struggling for a while. I think they're destined to become great pals." [The Sun]
• Guy Ritchie thinks Madonna spies on him. A source says he thinks of the split as "something concocted by the KGB," and told her: "This is a divorce, not the Cold War." [The Sun]
• Meanwhile, Alex Rodriguez was seen in Miami with his wife and daughter. [The Sun]
• The latest is Madonna wants to raise her kids in NYC. [People]
• Do pictures of Tea Leoni hanging out with Billy Bob Thornton prove anything about the state of her marriage at the time? [TMZ]
• Wow, David Duchovny plans to sue Britain's Daily Mail for claiming he cheated on wife Tea Leoni with 28-year-old tennis instructor Edit Pakay. Pakay says she hasn't seen Duchovny since last November and never had a romantic or sexual relationship [with him]." [Rush & Molloy]
• A 19-year-old hacker who published provocative snaps of Miley Cyrus was raided by the FBI Monday morning in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. He'd gained unauthorized access to her Gmail and her MySpace. The guy's also made about $50,000 exploiting an advertising scheme on MySpace. The moral of the story: Change your passwords often! [Wired]
• Scarlett Johansson will host the Nobel Peace Concert on Dec. 11 due to her "compassion and influence." [Yahoo News]
• Prosecutors in the Raffaello Follieri case are urging the judge to give him more than the four years in prison agreed to in his plea deal. They say he "committed crimes out of greed and a desire to live a lifestyle like the rich and famous." [AP]
• Joe Biden was on Ellen and called Proposition 8 "regressive" and "unfair." [SF Gate]
• Tom Cruise took son Connor (member him?) to see Tina Turner in concert last week, and after the show, Tom went to a dinner for Tina. Private dancer! [Page Six]
• Victoria Beckham, wedding planner! Melanie "Sporty Spice" Chisholm has asked Vicky to help plan her ceremony to fiancé Thomas Starr. Expect crisp white everything. [Pop Dirt]
• Kristin Cavallari of Lauguna Beach is hooking up with hot hottie Chris Evans of Fantastic Four. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton hearts London. "I love the Brits, they rock! Everything from their personalities, style and of course the accents. I'd love to live here one day." Don't let us stop you! [Daily Mail]
• Venus and Serena Williams are posing in evening gowns on a tennis court for November's Bazaar. Click for pix! [Concrete Loop]
• Hugh Grant has dropped out of a romantic comedy called Lost For Words. He would have played a British actor approached to star in a movie by a Chinese director with whom he falls in love after a brief flirtation with her translator; Ziyi Zhang was cast in the role of the director. Hugh Grant will be replaced by a cocker spaniel, who promises to be as floppy and charming. [UPI]
• Eminem on that 2002 MTV Awards where he was seated in front of Moby and had a showdown with Triumph The Insult Comic Dog: He was drunk. [Rush & Molloy]
• Pamela Anderson was seen leaving a plastic surgery center with a bandage on her chest. What does it mean? [Perez Hilton]
• Gillian Anderson gave birth to a son last week, whom she named Felix. Her first son's name is Oscar. Her very own Odd Couple. Gillian also has a daughter named Piper. [Reuters, ET]
• The driver of a car in which Mary-Kate Olsen was riding backed into an an El Pollo Loco delivery vehicle in West Hollywood. M-K was out furniture shopping at the time. [TMZ]
• Teen Dream Zac Efron will be in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Disney's got to "groom" a successor for Johnny Depp. Not that you can replace Johnny Depp. Especially not with a dude from a teen musical. [The Sun]
• Here's a video of a Faberge egg that belonged to Princess Grace. It's making its first public appearance at the Clevland Museum. [Forbes]
• A burger restaurant in New York has a huge Andy Warhol hanging by the takeout window; guess who is pissed off? The Campbell's Soup people. They say the art makes it "seem that the restaurant is affiliated with or sponsored by Campbell in some way." [Page Six]
• Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora were together Saturday night — for the sake of daughter Ava, who was celebrating her 11th birthday. [TMZ]
• Here's a story all about the drug habits of the Rolling Stones. (Mick Jagger's been clean for years; Ronnie Wood and Keith Richards, on the other hand, were "permanently fuelled by a combination of cocaine and alcohol.") [The Sun]
• Sting received a kiss — described as a "terrifying snog" — from Little Britain transvestite character Emily Howard; aka David Walliams. [Mirror]
• Bond Girl Ursula Andress has suffered from osteoporosis for the last eight years: "My doctor told me that I had to take medication to save my way of life. I find it so strange because I had no pain, no warning. But that is the nature of the disease. You carry on as normal and you don't realise that your bone is becoming like glass." [Daily Mail]
• John Cleese: Baffled by the curtains in his California hotel room. [The Sun]
• Hmm, a blogger accused of leaking songs from the long-delayed Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy has pleaded not guilty to violating federal copyright laws. He could get three years in prison if convicted. Does this mean the album may actually get released??? [AP]
• Fergie, the Duchess of York, probably won't get married again: Her daughters don't want her to. She also says of Prince Andrew: "He said I must never say this, but he said, 'We are divorced to each other, not from each other.' We are the happiest unmarried couple." [Daily Mail]
• Ricky Gervais has an idea for an Extras Christmas special. He misses Extras more than The Office and says: "Andy Millman was more real than David Brent by the end of the show and I loved Maggie Jacobs - she was the best character we've ever come up with." [The Star]
• Katy Perry, whose single "I Kissed A Girl" has more than five million worldwide sales, says she really has kissed a girl. "Of course. I think I was 19. I kissed a girl and it was great." [The Star]
• Tim McGraw has co-written a book about a dad and his daughter, just hanging out. He says dads should bond with daughters, but not by getting pedicures or shopping: "Do what you have to do in your regular routine and take them with you. It makes all the difference in the world." [Yahoo News]
• Robert De Niro's hotel got a bad review. You talkin to me? [Jossip]
• Jamie King has been dealing with a stalker, and had to get protection from the cops. "It's very real and he was very aggressive," says a source. "He had recently escaped from a mental institute. It was scary." [E!]
• Apparently the cover of OK! with Jordan breaking up with husband Peter Andre was a trick/joke. [Perez Hilton]
• Daniel Craig is backing a £2 million campaign to fund a new lifeboat station near his childhood home. [Telegraph]
• Hulk Hogan's son: Out of jail. [AP]
• "You can’t ignore divorce rates. Every friend of mine has parents who are divorced. I didn’t go into it with Max thinking, 'This is going to last forever.' But I did go into it thinking, 'I love him right now and I know that I will continue to love him for a long while.'" — Peaches Geldof, 19, on her quickie marriage to Max Drummey. [Perez Hilton]
• "She said that small towns, that's the part of the country she really likes going to because that's the pro-America part of the country. You know, I just want to say to her, just very quickly: Fuck you." — Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin. [Perez Hilton]
• "In writing my memoirs, I have made a great many observations about myself and my sister Madonna. I will not be commenting on her divorce as that is a private matter between her and Guy Ritchie and would consider any commentary on my part dishonorable and disrespectful." — Christopher Ciccone. [MSNBC]
• "I’d never work out and lose weight if the part called for it. I’d say, 'that’s not the film for me.' It’s not real life, it’s ludicrous. If you fall for someone because they’ve got a jawline and a chest and they’re brain dead it won’t last! In life, real people fall for nice people all the time and Hollywood denies that a bit. That’s what I brought over from Britain." — Ricky Gervais. [The Sun]

Then, they'll meet one of these thirtysomething guys at work — not one of the real good ones, just one of those single thirtysomething guys who "relates" better to younger dudes and enjoys deluding himself into thinking he's somebody's mentor. Well, that guy doesn't have any money either. But he totally has chicks! What's his secret? Chivalry. It's fun, free, it gets you laid and as a bonus, totally makes dudes feel superior to one another. Just ask Tracie! (She's dating a 22-year-old.)

Disrespect Is The New Chivalry [NPR]

I couldn't find any specific written laws (by state, that is) that says that road head is a no-no. But that's actually because in so many states, regular, plain ol' BJs are totally illegal, no matter where you're giving or receiving them. Many states have ye olde tyme-y anti-gay rules that outlaw any sex that isn't penis/vagina. Here are a list that I was able to put together.

Alabama (not surprising, given their laws on sex toys) Penalty = 1 year/$2,000
Florida Penalty = 60 days/$500
Idaho Penalty = 5 years to life…life!
Kansas Penalty = 6 months/$1,000, (only applies to same-sex acts)
Louisiana Penalty = 5 years/$2,000
Michigan Penalty = up to 15 years imprisonment, repeat offenders get life
Mississippi Penalty = 10 years
North Carolina Penalty = 10 years/discretionary fine
Oklahoma Penalty = 10 years (only applies to same-sex acts)
South Carolina Penalty = 5 years/$500
Texas Penalty = $500 (only applies to same-sex acts)
Utah Penalty = 6 months/$1,000
Virginia Penalty = 1-5 years

It's good to know that of the three states (that I can remember, at least) I've given and received road head — Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and New York — I wasn't technically breaking the law. But it is kinda dangerous to do. I haven't done it in about a year or two, but that's just because I don't have a car and I haven't dated anyone with one since then.