• Alexsandra Wright, who is 6-months pregnant, has filed a paternity case alleging that Beyonce's dad, Mathew Knowles, is the father of her child. He has been married to Tina Knowles since 1980. [TMZ]

• Madonna told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show that she didn't notice him in the front row at one of her concerts because, "I was getting super-sharp looks from J.Lo. Her ponytail distracted me... Whenever artists come to see my show, they're studying me." [Us]
• California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger rejected the suggestion that he could pardon Roman Polanski if he's returned to the United States, saying, "It doesn't matter if you are a big-time movie actor or a big-time movie director or producer... I think that he is a very respected person, and I am a big admirer of his work. But nevertheless, I think he should be treated like everyone else." [People]
• Christoph Blocher, a former Swiss justice minister, says it would have been more fair and legal if authorities had warned Roman Polanski that he would be arrested if he entered the country. "You don't invite someone when you know he's going to be arrested," he said. "You simply don't do that." [AP]
• Last night Larry King asked Jon Gosselin how much money he was paid by TLC last year and he said "no" before explaining that the "Gosselin family" made about $1 million, half went to taxes, and the rest was divided 10 ways. Video here: [TMZ]
• A judge has increased the powers of the two men administering Michael Jackson's estate, attorney John Branca and music executive John McClain, so they can deal with the numerous creditors claims against the estate. [AP]
• Angelina Jolie met with Iraqi refugees in Syria today as part of her duties as a U.N. goodwill ambassador. "Most Iraqi refugees cannot return to Iraq in view of the severe trauma they experienced there, the uncertainty linked to the coming Iraqi elections, the security issues and the lack of basic services," said Jolie. "They will, therefore, be in need of continued support from the international community." [AP]
• Lady Gaga's choreographer Laurieann Gibson Tweeted that GaGa's tour with Kanye West was called off due to "creative differences." She didn't elaborate, but confirmed that Lady GaGa will go on her own tour. [Perez Hilton]
• Disappointing women everywhere, Russell Brand and Katy Perry hit it off at the VMAs and they spent the past week on vacation together in Thailand. [Perez Hilton]
• News sources say the package Robert Halderman gave David Letterman reportedly contained copies of parts of Letterman's former assistant's diary and personal correspondence. [People]
• Halderman has two ex wives and pays one of them about $6,000 a month in child and spousal support and $13,500 of their credit card debt. He also pays his children's medical bills and could be ordered to pay for their college education. The kids are 11 and 18. [TMZ]
• At his arraignment today Halderman pled not guilty to the felony charge of attempted grand larceny in the first degree. The D.A. said his bail should be set at $500,000 because his actions were ones of "desperation" and are "alarming and dangerous" but the judge set his bail at $200,000. [TMZ]
• Halderman's friends and co-workers at CBS were shocked by the news that he was behind the extortion plot. "Joe's a friendly, boisterous, slap-you-on-the-back kind of guy," said a former colleague. "Sort of a Vince Vaughn type, but more serious and not goofy. A guy's guy. Someone you want to have a beer with." [N.Y. Observer]
• People are angry that the audience kept laughing as David Letterman discussed the sex/extortion scandal last night, but they may have just thought it was a comedy routine. Sources on the show say no one but the producers knew what Dave was going to do so the audience got the same warm up as usual, which emphasizes laughing and applauding often and loudly. [Yahoo]
• Kim Kardashian, who was on the show after David Letterman's revelation, said, "Letterman was great. I always love doing his show – and I always have a good time with him, it was great!" [People]
• Apple and Eminem's music publisher have settled a lawsuit over the digital download rights to his songs. The terms of the deal weren't made public. [AP]
• Clark Gable's granddaughter, Kayley Gable, was taken to the hospital on Wednesday night after she was found unconscious in her home. She left after a few hours and said she just had a panic attack. [TMZ]
• Comedian Paul Rodriguez is in ICU right now with severe abdominal pains but doctors don't know what's wrong with him. [TMZ]
• Consumer Product Safety Commission is recalling Paula Deen's cast iron cookware due to burn and laceration hazards. The pans were imported from China and sold on QVC. There have been 79 reports of the cookware cracking and shattering when heated. [UPI]
• Snoop Dogg had a necklace with a bullet-shaped pendant confiscated while going through airport security in Beirut. The bullet actually had an anti-war message: the diamond-studded bullet is from the charity Bullets 4 Peace, which turns bullet casings into jewelry. Snoop has already ordered a replacement. [Ok]
• Warner Bros. is developing a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory musical. Sam Mendes may direct. [Entertainment Weekly]
• "Paris Ditches Doug for the Night" ... or just managed to attend a party hosted by her sister Nicky Hilton to benefit the Step Up Women's network without her boyfriend glued to her side. [E!]
• In the new issue of Cosmopolitan Kim Kardashian says that some people think she's "famous for all the wrong reasons" but "I'm an entrepreneur...'ambitious' is my middle name." [People]

• Like many 66-year-olds we know, Betsey Johnson is eyeing retirement. "I should be retired. I'm basically screwing up because I'm not retired. I'd like to go in four days a month, something like that," says the designer.

• Johnson is planning to hand over the reins to her second-in-command, Eric Sartori, after her show this September. But she'll stay involved. "I'll be a mega-consultant. I'll go in. I want to be like Ralph [Lauren]. Like, I always imagined the perfect life is like Ralph, where he goes in, and his wonderful expert crews show him work, and he goes, 'Love it, love it, love it, um, we'll just put that aside for the moment, love it, love it, hmmm.' You know what I mean? And be that — be the inspiration, the light at the end of the tunnel, the fairy godmother that comes down." [The Cut]
• Two images from Karl Lagerfeld's Fall 2009 Chanel campaign, which he shot himself on his Vermont farm, have hit the Internet. The ads star Freja Beha Erichsen and Heidi Mount, and have a nice, old-fashioned, rural feel. Mount and Erichsen sort of look like stylish, Stepford Mennonites. [Fashionologie]
• There's more solarized Madonna psychedelia at the other end of this link, if you are curious to just what extent the pop star has been airbrushed into doll-like plasticity by Pascal Dangin for the Fall 2009 Louis Vuitton campaign. [Design Scene]
• Artist Marilyn Minter contributed a video of models sucking on multi-colored sparkly goo, titled "Green Pink Caviar," to Madonna's Sticky & Sweet tour. (You can watch part of it here if you're not actually going to see Madonna.) "She actually paid me a bunch of money," says Minter. [WWD]
• Sasha Fierce for Deréon Back-To-School collection: It's happening. In any color you want, so long as it's black. [WWD]
• A battery-powered, bugle-beaded light-up glove worn by Michael Jackson on tour in 1984 will go under the hammer on October 1. [Reuters]
• On July 17, clothes from Giles Deacon's back catalog will be presented in four free catwalk shows at the Victoria & Albert Museum in London. [Telegraph]
• As J.Lo begat Glow, so Glow begat Glow After Dark, which begat Sunkissed Glow, which begat Miami Glow, which begat Still. Still begat in its turn Love At First Glow By J.Lo. Love At First Glow begat Deseo, which begat Live By Jennifer Lopez. Live begat Live Luxe. And this fall, Live Luxe shall beget My Glow By Jennifer Lopez. So there are ten generations of Jennifer Lopez Perfume, ten generations of perfume in her decade of Fame. The People saw and said it was Good. [People]
• Naturally, pictures have emerged from Chanel Iman's "internship" at Teen Vogue. Turns out the model poked her head into the styling closet, like any fashion magpie, after a mid-afternoon go-see. And then she stayed and helped the other interns organize it for the whole rest of the day. She must have spent 1.5-2 hours there, stacking shoes! And she didn't even share any decent gossip. [TeenVogue]
• Far more successful is Coco Rocha's E! Canada special on fashion week. The model buttonholed Heidi Klum for some television hosting advice. Heidi says: Eye contact, don't prepare or rehearse too much, and wear something short. [FWD]
• Juergen Teller: "Everything is how you dress. Everything. I would never do some sort of stupid picture where everything is dark and you can't see the fabric or whatever, or crop something badly so you don't get the right impression of a garment. I did have my problems with fashion before, maybe. As a heterosexual man, I was always a bit embarrassed of being a fashion photographer and didn't have the confidence to describe myself that way. Now I do have the confidence. It's a weird thing to do, I know, but I just kind of got into it and I think I do it very well." [Independent]
• Racked has photos of Leanne Marshall's Bluefly line. The tops and dresses were snapped right off the rack during the e-tailer's photo shoot, so it's a little hard to see exactly how boring they are. [Racked]
• Not content with extending her jewelry line into an "equestrian"-inspired clothing range and a line of shoes and bags, Nicole Richie is also tackling maternity wear, for A Pea In The Pod. "It's her Bohemian style," said a spokesperson for the retailer's parent company. [WWD]
• British fashion icon Zandra Rhodes has crashed her station wagon through the window of a hardware store in Texas. One person inside the store was taken to hospital with non-life-threatening injuries; it's unclear whether any charges will be filed. [Telegraph]
• Justin Timberlake and Trace Ayala unveiled the William Rast label they co-founded at Selfridges in London — and gave interviews that made no mention of the extremely talented designers, Johan and Marcella Lindeberg, who have made the line such a success. [UK Vogue]
• American Apparel has been cited by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement for allegedly employing an estimated 1,600 illegal workers. ICE believes that up to one third of the California-based clothier's workforce is in the country illegally. [WSJ]
• H&M, Louis Vuitton, and Wal-Mart topped a survey of consumer brand valuation. Which means we love cheap stuff that looks expensive, expensive stuff that looks cheap, and cheap stuff that looks cheap? [WWD]
• Crabtree & Evelyn has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in the U.S. The company has 126 stores, and around 950 employees. Its stated hope is to close some of its stores and renegotiate its leases, but any business that loses $13.3 million in fiscal 2009 can't have a great outlook. [ToL]

• Jennifer Lopez is getting out of the U.S. clothing business, closing her brand, Sweetface. In 2007, Lopez shuttered JLO, replacing it with Justsweet — which then closed after two seasons. It's tough out there for a wannabe fashion mogul. [WWD]

• However, you'll be happy to know that Lopez's Passionista lingerie range is still faring well enough to hire Ana Beatriz Barros for its campaign. [Sun]
• And yet the fall-back advertising strategy remains: if all else fails, throw celebrities at the problem of generating sales in this economy! OP has Sophia Bush, Brody Jenner, Solange Knowles, and a gaggle of other faces in its summer campaign. [People]
• Angelina Jolie takes it easy when it comes to dressing for the red carpet: "I don't think too much about what to wear on the red carpet. I usually have three basic colors and I get the same shapes in different colors!" [MyFashionLife]
  
• Heidi Klum's Barbie, launching this September, comes clad in a sequined mini-dress — and a gold pair of shoes heavily inspired by those Dior gladiator platforms everyone was wearing last summer. Is it still a knock-off if it's plastic and 1" tall? [PopBytes]
• Michelle Obama favored New York designer Rachel Roy with her sartorial selections in San Francisco. The First Lady wore a dress by the designer to attend a conference on volunteering. [The Cut]
• The first of the Michelle Obama style books are here. There's Michelle Style: Celebrating the First Lady of Fashion by Mandi Norwood, Michelle Obama: First Lady of Fashion and Style by Susan Swimmer, and, amazingly, even a Michelle Obama 2010 wall calendar dedicated to 20 glorious full-color pictures of her style. Shockingly, the "experts" agree: the lady dresses well. [USAToday]
• Alexander McQueen said he wouldn't do a runway show for his Spring 2010 men's wear collection, but would instead present his goods in some very special format that the fashion world has eagerly anticipated, McQueen being known for theatrics. Well! If you want to spend 2:19 minutes of your life watching a heavy-breathing pyromaniac in his underwear crawl around an abandoned mental hospital, draw on his own arm, compulsively build a house out of sticks, and slather himself with a brownish substance he then uses to write "Shit" on the wall, all while creepy music plays, now's your chance! Directed by David Sims. Dazed & Confused called it "a daring expedition into both the mind and the wardrobe of an artist." [AlexanderMcQueen]
• Jonathan Saunders is returning to London Fashion Week for the Spring 2010 collections. He had previously shown in New York. Burberry, Matthew Williamson, and Pringle of Scotland have all similarly announced their intentions to celebrate LFW's 25th anniversary by showing there. [UK Vogue]
• The two brothers accused of committing dozens of robberies, mainly on lone women, around London were convicted in court yesterday. Daniel Mykoo, 28, admitted 19 offenses, including choking fashion designer Nicole Farhi until she became unconscious, and stealing her rings and watch. Matthew Mykoo, 27, was convicted of seven attacks but cleared of another eight, including the one on Farhi. [Guardian]
• Vogue hasn't lost any time in replacing Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, the director of special events (a.k.a. the woman in charge of the Oscars of the East, the Met Costume Institute ball), who resigned last Thursday. Sylvana Soto-Ward, an accessories editor who started as Anna Wintour's assistant in 2003, will take the reins. [WWD]
• Yasmin Le Bon is behind a U.K. charity that aims to help children in Romanian orphanages. To support it, you can buy weekly £1 raffle tickets with a chance of winning bounty donated from sponsors. The prize for the first week is a £2,000 voucher from Net-A-Porter. [Times of London]
• 17-year-old fashion blogger Jane Aldridge of Sea of Shoes has a deal to sell her own shoes at Urban Outfitters. Three styles will be in stores next month, and three more will debut in December. Pricing information isn't yet available, but pictures are. (Ironically, to my eye, the heel-lover's flats are the best-looking pair.) [SeaOfShoes]
• And fashion designers think using Twitter will help their business. [WWD]
• Gildo Zegna, the chief executive of Ermenegildo Zegna, the Italian suit maker, says fashion talk of an economic recovery by spring next year is foolish. "I remain positive long term, but we have to be realistic about the crisis," said Zegna. "I think it will be longer than initially anticipated and marginal players are going to go out of business. We have the example of the banking system and the car industry. If it happened to them, it can happen in our business." Zegna just showed the younger, lower-priced line Z Zegna at Milan's men's wear week for the first time, and has aggressively expanded over the past few years in China, to the point where it now has 60 boutiques there and foresees China becoming a bigger market than the U.S. within the next 18 months. Zegna also believes luxury's next great frontier will be Africa. "Look how the Chinese are investing in Africa — they are smart." Did we just hear the future of fashion articulated by one of the industry's oldest names? [NY Times]
• Struggling Abercrombie & Fitch is opening a 40,000 square foot flagship mega store for its Hollister brand in New York. [WWD]
• Chinese counterfeiters are shipping products with fake "Made in India" labels. The ultimate blame-the-other-emerging-economy dodge. [Hindustan Times]

[New York, April 22. Image via INF]

[Japan, March 27. Image via Getty.]

[New York, February 14. Image via INF]

• Following complaints from PETA, Britney has announced that she won't feature animals on the Circus tour. A PETA spokesperson explained what they think changed Brit's mind (and it wasn't the potential animal cruelty lawsuit).

• PETA applauded Britney for not "forcing chained and beaten exotic animals to perform confusing and uncomfortable tricks" and said she must relate to the caged animals' plight as she herself is a "victim of the paparazzi and always crying about how she hates to be held up in her guarded house." [Daily Express]
• Executives at a luxury private jet company were indicted in New Jersey federal court on charges that they recklessly overfueled private planes, endangering the lives of celebrities including Beyonce, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, and Harvey Weinstein. [ABC News]
• In this video, Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead talk about mourning Anna Nicole Smith two years after her death. Stern says after Anna died, "I realized how important she was to my life—she was my whole life. I gave up my whole world for her." [E!]
• Natalie Cole is fighting hepatitis C and hopes to have a kidney transplant in the near future. She says: "My son may be a possible match, which would be great. It's very sweet and kind of strange to have people offer something like that. It's a big deal for the recipient more than it is for the donor, because they've got two kidneys and we just need one!" [E!]
• Cole currently undergoes dialysis three times a week and also has liver disease. [People]
• Farrah Fawcett is doing well after fighting a second battle with anal cancer. She has stopped getting chemotherapy treatment but is still receiving follow-up care. [The Daily Express]
• You can watch Sean Penn's new PSA for the United Nations World Food Program here, plus a behind the scenes video reminding people that shockingly, poor people suffer in a bad economy. [Ad Week]
• Apparently Ashton Kutcher is addicted to Facebook as well as Twitter. His production company, Katalyst Media, is launching a Web series on Facebook. The first episode of the mock reality series comes out today and features Kutcher preparing too seriously for an acting role. [Ad Week]
• Has Vivica A. Fox actually found worse job than Psychic Friends Network spokeswoman? She's going to host a TV Land reality show called The Cougar, a dating show in which an older woman hunts for love in a pool of younger men. [PR Newswire]
• Tony Parker bought the second largest share of the French basketball team ASVEL, and will begin serving as the team's Director of Operations immediately. He may play for the team someday too. Says Parker: "When I'm 36, 37 years old, who knows how my NBA will go. Why not play one more farewell year in France afterwards? I've raised the subject with Eva, and she has nothing against living in France." [People]
• Tiger Woods hasn't been playing competitive golf since his knee surgery over the summer and now he's putting off his return until his wife gives birth to their second baby this spring. Also, Barack Obama told Woods at the inauguration that he wants to play golf with him. [People]
• Hank Azaria and his girlfriend Katie Wright are expecting their first child, a baby boy. [People]
• Ryan Reynolds ran the New York City marathon to raise money for Parkinson's, which his dad has been fighting for 15 years. [Men's Health]
• Ben Lee says his new album The Rebirth of Venus, which comes out next month, is a tribute to the feminine way of doing things in life. "In this world, masculine traits are usually rewarded and feminine traits basically get punished. Like President Obama last year talking about how he went to go negotiate [overseas] – which wasn't seen as a manly thing to do," said Lee. "They call it feminine and masculine archetypes. But [at the same time], they all go on inside all of us. So we all need to deal with that." [Blackbook]
• Jennifer Aniston recently directed a short for Glamour and says she is really interested in directing, which she describes as, "pull it all apart and put it back together again." [CBS News]
• Jorge "Papito" Serguera, the man who banned the Beatles from radio and television stations in Cuba, has died at the age of 76. He has said he was a fan of the group, but he recived orders from government officials who felt the band was a threat to communism. [Reuters]
• In a new interview, Stephen King says that Twilight author Stephanie Meyer isn't a good author. King says: "It's very clear that she's writing to a whole generation of girls and opening up kind of a safe joining of love and sex in those books. It's exciting and it's thrilling and it's not particularly threatening because they're not overtly sexual. A lot of the physical side of it is conveyed in things like the vampire will touch her forearm or run a hand over skin, and she just flushes all hot and cold. And for girls, that's a shorthand for all the feelings that they're not ready to deal with yet."[USA Weekend]
• Drew Barrymore answered questions fans sent to People and one guy asked if she'd consider dating a guy who owns a gas station. Drew said: "I think my dating record shows that I definitely don't believe in discrimination. So, yes – why wouldn't I?" [People]
• Sarah Jessica Parker says her biggest fashion regret is wearing black on her wedding day, rather than a traditional white gown. We can think of quite a few bigger fashion faux pas, which are now immortalized on the Sex and the City DVDs. [Entertainment Tonight]
• Could Jessica Alba's star power save us from this economic mess? Stockpickr.com and Stockerblog.com have compiled the Jessica Alba Stock Index, which works like the Dow Jones Industrial Average, but tracks companies based on how they are connected to Jessica Alba through her films and endorsements. [The Street]
• Brenda's back! Shannen Doherty has signed on to do one more episode of the new 90210. [People]
• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony recently purchased the house next door to their Long Island mansion. Judging from this photo gallery of the ugly colonial decor, they'll be doing some remodeling. [TMZ]
• Fantasia is going to return to the role she played on Broadway in The Color Purple this summer in a Washington, D.C. production of the show. [The Daily Express]
• A New Jersey congressman is demanding an investigation after fans from the state who tried to buy Bruce Springsteen concert tickets were shut out of the Ticketmaster website, which then ran an ad for more expensive tickets at TicketsNow. [AP]
• Freddy Krueger will be getting a makeover in the new Nightmare on Elm Street movie, but the producers say they won't change the way the characters look. They said: "in Texas Chainsaw the chainsaw was the weapon, in Friday the machete is the weapon for Jason, and in Nightmare there is no changing the glove." [Perez Hilton]
• "I love women. I like them as friends, as interesting people to speak with. But I love gay men. I always say it. Inside me there is a gay man who wants to come out! With heterosexual men I have nothing in common – excluding my husband, brothers and father, you understand." - Victoria Beckham in Italy's Vanity Fair. [Just Jared]
• This headline says it all: "Michael Phelps has extraordinary lung capacity. Does that mean he can get extraordinarily stoned?" [Slate]

• Last night the White House staff set up a scavenger hunt for Malia and Sasha so they could learn about the history of their new home, and they found a huge surprise at the end.

• When the girls opened the doors at the end of the game, all three Jonas Brothers were waiting to hang out with them. Looks like it's going to be a fun four (eight?!?!?) years for those girls. [E!]
• Ugh, Kelly Rutherford's divorce got really dirty today when her husband accused her (in court documents) of not properly wiping their son's bottom. He also says he tried to potty train their 2-year-old son Hermes, but Rutherford hid the mini-toilet seat, and said it's not "reasonable or appropriate for [Rutherford] to be breast feeding when he is nearly 2 1/2 years old." [TMZ]
• A Veronica Mars movie is in the works! Show creator Rob Thomas says his next project will be writing the script, and he has already decided that it will focus on Veronica's last few weeks of college. Kristen Bell told him she wants to do it and he's been talking to other cast members. [E!]
• Here are some Lost spoilers for the first three episodes, which we will thoughtfully not repost here. And don't forget that Tracie will be liveblogging the premiere tonight! [E!]
• How I Met Your Mother's Josh Radnor and Lipstick Jungle's Lindsay Price revealed that they are a couple last night by attending an inauguration party together. Barack is bringing people together! [E!]
• Though Matt Dillion reportedly said "I screwed up, I know, I know" when a cop stopped him for speeding in December, today he had his lawyer enter a not guilty plea for him at a hearing. [Perez Hilton]
• In their continuing campaign to squash the rumors that their marriage is in trouble, J.Lo and Marc Anthony stared into each others eyes performed a duet at the Western Ball last night in D.C. Marc Anthony said he wrote the song, "She Sang To Me," for Lopez and they kissed at the end. [Perez Hilton]
• Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer had to reschedule her 40th birthday party because they are planning to go on vacation together for Valentine's Day and will be away for her real birthday on February 11. So does this mean her actual birthday party has been rescheduled, or just the double-secret probation wedding ceremony the tabloids insist they are planning for her 40th? [Pop Sugar]
• Sorry dudes ... and ladies. Katy Perry has announced that she has taken a vow of celibacy and won't be kissing anyone. Except of course, for her cat, Kitty Purry. [Just Jared]
• Nominations for the Razzies, the Oscar spoof that "dis-honors" the year's worst movies, are out! The Love Guru is leading with seven nominations for worst picture, and worst acting from Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, Verne Troyer, and Ben Kingsley. But is it worse than Paris Hilton's The Hottie and the Nottie? [USA Today]
• Michael Cera, the only major cast member who hasn't signed on to the Arrested Development movie, says the movie is "more hypothetical than people think" and he'd have to see a script before agreeing to the project. Which they can't write yet because they don't know if he'll be in the movie. We think he's making a huge mistake. [ONTD]
• There are new details about Britney's Circus tour. She rehearses seven hours a day, the stage will be in a 3-ring format, and they are testing some trick called "hide and seek" with Britney. [ONTD]
• Did Sigourney Weaver pull a Sharon Stone when she sat down with the ladies of The View this morning? There's a video, but the area in question has been covered with a star graphic. [TMZ]
• The West Wing's Bradley Whitford and Six Feet Under's Richard Jenkins have been cast in the horror film The Cabin in the Woods, which is co-written by Joss Whedon andCloverfield writer Drew Goddard. Jokes Goddard: "It's really just your basic typecasting: When you need two actors to run through the woods in low-cut nighties, you immediately think of Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford." [Entertainment Weekly]
• Evidence that this country is still in a lot of trouble: American Idol got higher ratings than Barack and Michelle's first dance at the Neighborhood Ball last night. [Perez Hilton]
• Victoria Lucas, the 9th grader who "booty bumped" with Barack Obama at the Neighborhood Ball last night, is complimenting the President's moves. "He was just a very smooth, cool, laidback dancer. He was just like a normal person," said Lucas. "You would never think this dude earlier today was sworn in as our next president." [People]
• "There's a peace to [being married] and a sense of togetherness that we just didn't have before. And I didn't even realize it would change as much as it has, but it's so lovely." - Portia de Rossi, who has been married to Ellen DeGeneres for five months. [People]

The other tabloids focused on Hollywood's first couple, Angie and Brad. Below, we hope in vain to find fresh gossip in the pages of OK!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star.









Ok!
Though this "special collector's issue" promises to show "All the stars! All the parties!" it actually features 8 pages of pictures from the "We Are One" pre-inaugural concert, and two lame parties that took place over the weekend. False advertising! Next: Former BFFs Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz may be fighting because Cam has become more serious since her dad died last year and now Drew is too silly for her. Also, Drew has been a third wheel since Diaz has moved in with boyfriend Paul Sculfor. All that's left for poor Drew now are meaningless flings with a slew of younger men. Lindsay and Sam are in a "sick contest" to be as thin as possible. A source suggests lesbianism may be at fault, since "it's hard to be with another woman and not compare bodies." Finally, actress Parminder Nagra and photographer James Stenson wed in a ceremony that reflected their Indian and British heritage ... and her role on ER. Recently ordained castmate Maura Tierney officiated, and her co-stars John Stamos and Scott Grimes performed as the wedding band.
Grade: F (Being the Secret Service guy who has to move to Texas with former President Bush)

Us
"Why She Called Off Her Wedding" This lengthy story does not say definitively why Jennifer Love Hewitt called off her wedding to actor Ross McCall, but reveals her many character flaws that could be the cause. Jennifer was always crying and whining because their work schedules kept them apart, she got jealous whenever Ross had to make out with girls on camera, she has trust issues because her dad walked out on her, and she has body issues. Also McCall told the mag they are working it out and are both still wear their rings, so maybe the wedding is still on after all. But! What of Kate "Waity Katie" Middleton? Her friend insists boyfriend Prince William will propose before the summer and an expert on the royals says they always get engaged in February. However, Wills still has to complete his Royal Air Force training, so Kate may have to wait until February 2010 for a ring. Carey Hart has moved back in with Pink! They've been separated for a year, but a source says, "it never really ended. They just took a break on the marriage because they couldn't make it work never seeing each other." Next: Britney went to a restaurant in Hollywood with her mom and Justin Timberlake was there dining with Jessica Biel. Brit looked uncomfortable and took a seat at the bar with her back to the couple, supposedly because she "didn't look her best" while Biel "looked gorgeous." Despite rumors that Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are engaged, a "pal" says he hasn't proposed ... yet. In closing, now women's bodies can literally not measure up thanks to this story that compares starlets' waist measurements. (Fig. 1)
Grade: D- (Having your oath of office flubbed by the Chief Justice)

In Touch
We've already heard about "the shocking book that could split Angelina and Brad," which their former bodyguard, Mickey Brett, is threatening to write, but there are some new juicy details. Mickey supposedly walked in on Angelina and Brad "being intimate" in her trailer only three weeks into the filming of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Angie won Brad over by doing whatever he wanted in bed, including "buying sex toys, paddles and whips and dressing up in latex," says the source. Mickey says he and Angie used to laugh about what a poser Brad is, like when he got a tattoo to impress her. Also, Angie cheated on Brad with at least one dude since Shiloh's birth AND hooked up with a famous female pop star on numerous occasions. Moving on: Marc Anthony is denying allegations that his fights with J.Lo are violent. "He would never hit her," says a friend. "Marc is not someone to get out of control at all. He has the most respect for women and for Jennifer." Finally, "What happened to their boobs?" When stars such as Anne Hathaway and Lindsay Lohan lost weight, their chests got smaller. But when Nicole Richie gained weight and had a baby, her boobs got bigger. Hopefully In Touch will get to the bottom of this shocking phenomenon.
Grade: D (Being the Chief Justice who flubbed the oath of office)

Life & Style
If you can't get enough of the Obamas, but have a strange aversion to legitimate news sources, Life & Style has you covered. The mag does an impressive job putting together 16-pages of inauguration coverage, despite the fact that the mag went to print before the actual swearing in. There are tons of pictures of Barack as a child, eating chili dogs, and hugging babies, and photos of Malia snapping pictures of the inauguration festivities on her camera (and thank goodness she did, or we'd have NO record of this historic occasion). Plus, in a new take on the requisite piece on Michelle's style, there is an article analyzing her interior decorating taste based on an old photo taken in her living room. (Fig. 2) Moving on: Hopefully people will be a little more sympathetic to Robert Pattinson after reading this tragic four page tale about his low self-esteem, unsuccessful pick up lines, and lonely nights at home snacking on Hot Pockets and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Sadly, Pattinson is forced to frequent hot Hollywood restaurants and clubs with friends at night because a clause in his Twilight contract forbids him from going out in the daytime and ruining his vampire-like complexion. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are off-again. They haven't been spotted together since they went to Mexico for New Year's Eve (and her promotional tour for Marley & Me ended). Next: Lindsay Lohan lost some weight recently and her backbone was sticking out at a recent inauguration party. Her friend says it's because she's stressed and she's been doing ads for Fornarina. "So yeah, if she's modeling, she has to be skinny," says the friend. (Fig. 3) Angelina Jolie has no friends. She's never been into gossiping with girlfriends or making small talk because she thinks it's a waste of time. Brad is starting to miss when he and Jennifer Aniston would hang out with their couple friends. Though Paris Hilton already has a new BFF, she's thoughtfully offered to befriend Angie because she says, "she's strong but gorgeous and uses her fame for good ... I'd have a lot in common with her." Madonna ate the same salmon dish at the Waverly Inn two times last week, so she is clearly following a "salmon retox" diet, in the hope that the omega-3 oils in the fish will help turn back the clock. Lastly, Dr. Rey's heinous plastic surgery casebook takes a turn for the macabre this week, and he suggests that Angelina should steal Penelope Cruz's skin presumably Silence of the Lambs-style. But did they forget to photoshop Penelope's skin onto Angie's face, or does their skin just look exactly the same? (Fig. 4)
Grade: C- (Losing your ticket for a seat at the inauguration and having to stand on the Mall with the huddled masses.)

Star
The newest Jolie-Pitts, Vivienne and Knox, have not been spotted in public since October 8, supposedly because the twins are sickly and suffer from colds, chest congestion, and ear infections. Or possibly, Brad and Angie don't want to let their seven month old babies be mobbed by the paparazzi. Though this article is based on the fact that they twins haven't been spotted out and about, Angie is also accused of being a bad mother because she drags them along while she jets around the world, even though a doctor advised her that flying is bad for the babies. Next up: Jessica Biel and boyfriend Justin Timberlake have been trying for a baby since August. She took a pregnancy test in November, but it was negative, so they're still trying. They may get engaged and wed this summer, but if Jess gets pregnant they'll put a rush on it. "They want to be married before a baby begins to show," says a friend. "Jessica is old fashioned that way." Blind item: Which rocker is about to split from his sizzling young wife? Friends are saying that it's only a matter of time until one of them gets served with divorce papers. Kate Hudson and pro golfer Adam Scott let the world know that they are a couple by making out on the beach. In other news, when Brian Austin Green refused to attend the Golden Globes with his fiance Megan Fox, she retaliated by flirting with Zac Efron all night, hugging and kissing him even though his fellow teen starlet girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens was sitting next to them. Finally: White. House. Baby. In the craziest inauguration story all week, Star claims that Michelle and Barack think now would be a great time to have another baby. Michelle is 45 and had difficulty conceiving Malia, but she's considering in vitro fertilization and will likely start treatments once they've settled in at the White House. Barack loves his girls, but "wonders what it'd be liek to have a son to play hoops with." Because he has nothing else on his mind right now. Even if Michelle can't have another baby, they are planning to adopt an African-American boy and are considering a learning-disabled child because it would set a good example. "They country needs something to be happy about again," says a source. "And what's more joyous than a baby?"
Grade: C+ (Walking down Pennsylvania Avenue in the cold ... and in heels.)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

This week, the mags are about 90 percent celebrity weight loss stories and 10 percent entirely made up cover stories about stars who might get married, reproduce, or not reproduce in 2009. Below, we pick out the small bits of gossip sprinkled like confetti throughout the pages of Ok!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star.









Us
It's unclear why the mag describes the 28 pages of blathering about celebrity diets as a "bonus" on the cover, since that makes up almost the entire issue. Here's some New Year's Eve advice: If you want to look like Britney or Jennifer Aniston just start eating fish ... and doing two hours of yoga per day. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a "baby weight winner" because she lost 20 lbs by obsessively working out and insisting she has celiac disease. Hef once told Kendra from The Girls Next Door that she was getting fat and suggested she hit the gym. Charming. Here's some actual gossip: After a W magazine photo shoot with model Jesus Luz, Madonna invited the 20-year-old to a party in Brazil where they kissed, hugged, and danced until 5:30am, when they both retired to Madge's hotel room. A source says, "she goes after the youngest, hottest thing around," so it looks like 33-year-old A-Rod is out. Is Drew Barrymore dating Jason Segel? Segel's rep says they're just friends, but at the very least they're friends who make out at Chateau Marmont.
Grade: F (Standing out in the snow for hours to see the ball drop)

Ok!
Brad "longs to hold another infant" but Ok! theorizes that since Angie reportedly developed preeclampsia and gestational diabetes and had two emergency C-sections, having another biological child would be risky. Brad will have to settle for holding the two six-month-old babies he has at home or the African infant he is possibly adopting. Next: In an interview with the mag Alanis Morisette reveals that she lost 20 lbs by following a vegan diet. The mag says realizing she had gained weight was harder for Alanis to swallow than a "Jagged Little Pill." Sigh. Sort of moving on: Even more diet tips! Ok! suggests if you want to look like the stars you should become a professional dancer like Julianne Hough, breastfeed and have six kids like Angie, or get some plastic surgery like Heidi Montag. We finish with 12-pages of 2009 horoscopes. They advise that if you're a cancer, "the stork could drop by for a visit, especially after October 29." So should we be looking for a baby bump on cancers Ashley Tisdale, Meryl Streep, and Harrison Ford?
Grade: F+ (Having to watch a few minutes of Ryan Seacrest to see the ball drop on TV)

Life & Style
The cover claims they have the first photos of Bronx Mowgli, but it's just that picture Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz put online a few days ago. False advertising! Next up, brace yourselves: George Clooney went to dinner with Paris Hilton two nights in a row and an insider says "they definitely plan to get together in the new year." Paris's new BFF came on both "dates" and Ridley Scott and Marvel studios chairman David Maisel were in attendance for the second dinner, so we're hoping for George's sake this was just business. Moving on: K-Fed didn't want to let the boys visit Britney on various stops during her upcoming tour, so Brit invited Kevin to join them. The pair did fall in love on tour, but a friend points out that Kevin's relationship with his bowling teammate is getting pretty serious. Mandy Moore and DJ AM split up again. Finally, the best celebrity weight loss story of the week: "Obama Shapes Up to Be President." An Obama insider describes how the future president shed a few pounds by not having to eat "corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair or ribs in Austin, Texas," like he did on the campaign trail. Yes, there is a shirtless before and after picture. (Fig. 1)
Grade D- (Noisemaker-induced temporary deafness)

Star
Nicole Richie is planning on conceiving a second child, so like most moms-to-be she's taking pre-natal vitamins, dropping her intense vegan diet, and sketching maternity clothes she'll have made for herself. In other news, Katie Holmes spent her 30th birthday alone because Tom Cruise was away promoting Valkyrie. Katie is stressed and exhausted (as evidenced by a cold sore on her lip) because Tom nixed a ladies-only spa weekend with her mom and girlfriends. Next: Angelina Jolie's long-time bodyguard Michey Brett quit recently because he clashed with Brad, and now he's threatening to write a tell-all book. Judging from his revelation that Brad and Angie forced him to buy them supplies from a sex shop, including "kinky rubber suits and face masks," it's going to be a good read. Moving on: Anne Hathaway has been dating boyfriend Adam Shulman for a few months, which clearly means they'll be getting married in 2009. Star thinks Anne is trying to send secret messages about her impending wedding because her most recent projects are Rachel Getting Married, Bride Wars, and the upcoming film The Fiance. Blind Item: Which Disney heartthrob better pass next time someone offers him a puff? The teen's taste for pot has become a real problem on the set of his latest project. Finally, some celebrities have hideous physical flaws that the editors of Star would like to point out to you. Victoria Beckham had some gunk in her ear, Kelly Rowland forgot to shave her armpits once before hitting the red carpet, and J.Lo has some back fat. How dare they.
Grade: D (Champagne headache)

In Touch
Jen and Angelina are in a made-up race to the altar, which means the mag has to plan two made-up weddings! Jen is going to make it a classy affair by borrowing Girls Gone Wild host Joe Francis's Mexican villa for a spring wedding. Angie wants her fake wedding to be smaller and will wed in September at Chateau Miraval with only family in attendance. Moving on: In Touch has an exclusive interview with Tori Spelling called, "How I got my bikini body back" which we did not read because it involves photos of a bikini-clad Spelling making sexy faces and we had to turn the page. In the requisite article about Jessica Alba losing the baby weight they use a photo of her pregnant for the "before" and the photoshopped Campari ad for the "after." Ha! Next up: OMG. "Is Oprah too hung up on Obama?" Oprah's friendship with the president-elect is described as "oddly close" and there is a sidebar pondering if Stedman and Michelle might be jealous. A psychiatrist who doesn't treat anyone involved says Stedman and Michelle "likely realize they can't relate to Oprah and Barack on a certain level because the pals share the "loneliness-at-the-top syndrome, which could draw them closer." Finally, "Hollywood's hooked on hookers." This article is like a three page blind item, with both gay and straight prostitutes recounting their adventures with anonymous A-list stars. We most want to know the identity of the straight "manly man" whose dominatrix invited gay porn star Nick Capra to her "dungeon" to see how far she could make her celebrity "slave" go.
Grade: D+ (Confetti in your underwear)

Fig. 1

• As part of his ongoing campaign to be named "classiest new dad in America," Pete Wentz has announced that he's tried wife Ashlee Simpson's breast milk, and he thinks it tastes "weird" and "sour." [Babble]

• This morning it appeared that Jennifer Aniston had beaten the Jolie-Pitts once and for all since her dog movie earned $10 million more than Brad's possibly Oscar-worthy film over the weekend. But now reports are surfacing that Jen's romance with John Mayer is on the rocks again. The recent uncharacteristic PDA was just a stunt to promote her film and the two spent Christmas on separate coasts. So, point Jolie-Pitts? [The Daily Mail]
• Star reported earlier today that Tara Reid was offered free rehab at Promises as a publicity stunt to drum up business for the $1,600 a night facility. But Promises has issued a statement insisting the story is untrue and demanded Star take the story down. [Perez Hilton]
• The REPCA has started a "fact-finding exercise" to determine if Prince Edward struck his Labrador retriever after photos of him possibly hitting his dog with a walking stick surfaced. Buckingham Palace claims the prince was just waving his stick to break up a fight between his two dogs over a dead pheasant. [BBC]
• Joe Francis is being sued by the man who bought his $6.5 million house because Francis and the subsequent owner did not disclose that the house had problems with the decks, the paint, the caulking, the walls, and the windows. Francis, who just flipped the house and never actually lived there, said, "I'm sorta bummed out that it might cost me $3 million and I never got to have one naked girl in that jacuzzi." Yeah, we're crying for you Joe. [TMZ]
• In these photos Prince Harry demonstrates his awesome beer bong technique, proving he's got what it takes to assume the British throne if necessary. But he's got some competition — no one chug-a-lugs like Lizzie II! [TMZ]
• Dallas Cowboys' quarterback Tony Romo collapsed in the locker room shower after a losing game on Sunday. Medical staff were on hand and he walked out of the locker room on his own, but he needed help leaving the podium at the press conference afterwards. Somehow, this must be Jessica Simpson's fault. [Perez Hilton]
• Zooey Deschanel is engaged to a rocker, but which one is unclear. Earlier today In Touch reported that AFI bass guitarist Hunter Burgan was the lucky man, but now Us claims they were lying! She's actually engaged to Death Cab for Cute front man Ben Gibbard. We say whichever dude you're marrying, congrats! [Just Jared, Us]
• Apparently, Regis Philbin's son from his first marriage, Dan, suffers from a spinal cord defect and had his legs amputated years ago. Now he's been unemployed for three years and his family is so poor that his wife has turned to the National Enquirer to beg her ostensibly stingy father-in-law for money. Something tells us Reeg won't be chatting about his adorable family troubles on air tomorrow with Kelly. [Perez Hilton]
• Jude Law spent his 36th birthday today with ex-wife Sadie Frost, adding fuel to the rumors that they've rekindled their romance. The two are spending the Christmas break together in sexy Rio de Janeiro ... with their three children. [This Is London]
• After starring working together on The Spirit, Samuel L. Jackson and Scarlett Johansson are officially BFF. [The Star]
• Clint Eastwood, 78, says it's hard for him to find sufficiently "edgy" acting roles, so he may stay behind the camera for a while. He's already working on directing a film about Nelson Mandela starring Morgan Freeman. [CNN]
• For those of you aware that Sienna Miller's nude photo co-romper Balthazar Getty is on Brothers & Sisters, he may be leaving the show. [E!]
• J.Lo's publicist says she and husband Marc Anthony are fine and they went shopping together last week. So obviously all those rumors that they're breaking up are just damn dirty lies. [E!]
• Finally, we're not sure what to make of this: Britney is in India with choreographer Sandip Soparrkar. This is supposedly what she had to say: "Rajasthan is an amazing place, and I feel like an Indian princess in this ghagra-choli with gold work that Sandip gifted me.” She adds, “Sandip and I have decided to spend New Year together. I wish the media would not probe our relationship till we wish to bring it out in the open.” Yes, the princess part is straight Britney, but we somehow doubt these actual words came out of our Brit Brit's mouth. Is it possible the Times of India didn't know the proper translation for "y'all"? [Times of India]

• Sara Trumble, the nanny who used to take care of wee Beatrice McCartney, is suing Bea's mum, Heather Mills, because "Mills required her to blow-dry Mills' hair, work unreasonable hours, and spray-tan a naked Mills."

• At least the nanny only had to spray-tan one leg! Mills denies the accusations and her flack says, "Heather is devastated that Sara, who Heather considered a part of her family, should choose to level these accusations at her. This claim will be vigorously defended." [MSNBC]
• This Tom Cruise interview in the Sun sounds like it was robot generated. Sample passage: "He says: 'Life is never boring because I’m meeting so many interesting people and I have so many interests.'" Tom also says he wants ten children and that he regrets speaking out about Scientology because it made him sound like a loon, and he's not talking about it these days. "‘That’s it, no more — go to the Scientology website." [The Sun]
• Is J.Lo's marriage really dunzo? Though she and Marc Anthony renewed their vows mere months ago, sources tell the Daily News they're going to file for divorce after Marc's Valentine's Day show at Madison Square Garden. “Jennifer is planning on joining Marc onstage for a surprise duet. Things haven’t been right for a while now, and they thought it would be a bittersweet farewell.” Both J.Lo and Marc have been galivanting around without their wedding rings lately. [NYDN]
• Paris Hilton went to Melbourne, Australia, to try to get a deal endorsing…something, but was unable to secure any cash. But don't cry for Paris, Australia: rumor is she will be getting a cool $100,000 to host a New Years' party in Sydney with her sister, Nicky. [Herald Sun]
• Mariah Carey: still not pregnant. Your Mariah womb watch will continue in 2009. [Fox News]
• Also not pregnant: Eva Longoria. But she sure does want to be! [Daily Express]
• Joel Madden wants to be an actor. The Good Charlotte singer and boyf to Nicole Richie has been taking acting lessons and secured a part in the upcoming tour de force from MTV based on the video game Rock Band. [MSNBC]
• Hugh Jackman says that his guilty pleasure is Cream Caramel and that he believes in love at first sight, because that's what happened with his wife. "I was 27, single and not expecting to get married. Then I met Deb and it was a no-brainer that we should be together as it was ten times better than being single." Aw. [Daily Mail]
• Are the Kardashian-Jenners feeling the credit crunch? They're putting their Hidden Hills, CA home on the market for $3.395 million. [TMZ]
• Apparently Kanye West has taken up chanting to "ward off evil spirits." Yeah, I don't know. [The Sun]
• Amy Winehouse's former lover/assistant Alex Haines sold his story to The News of the World. Haines tells them that Amy had toast and crack for breakfast every day, was bulimic and an avid cutter. Oy. [Dlisted]
• Anjelica Huston's husband, the sculptor Robert Graham, has died. He's best known for his bronze work, notes the New York Times, particularly the sculpture that marks "the Roosevelt memorial, where bronze panels symbolize the 54 social programs that were initiated under the president's New Deal. Graham also created the life-size, bronze figure of President Roosevelt in his wheelchair at the entrance of the memorial." [NYT]
• Emma Watson finds the amount of money she made playing Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter series (an estimated £10 million) fairly absurd. "Why would someone my age need this much money?" Watson says. "Let's face it, I don't really have any use for it." [Telegraph]
• Oh lord, Michael Lohan insists that he has Lindsay's best interests in mind. He writes to blogger Oh No They Didn't, "Is a villain someone who wants to keep people of a negative influence out of his daugther's life. A perosn who wants to protect her from and obviously unhealthy relationship which has brought her life and career to an all time low! 'inday is a good hearted gifted and blessed human being..The saying ':ow me who you walk with and I will tell you who you are." Michael Lohan's misspellings and bad grammar have been left unedited. [ONTD]
• Brace yourselves for this deeply upsetting surprise: Whitney Port's "job" at Diane Von Furstenberg as portrayed in the MTV reality show The City is not actually a real job. We know, you're ever so shocked. Says a source, "She doesn't really work. She is hardly ever in the office…[Real Furstenberg employees] can't get their work done because MTV tells them they can't move any thing at their work stations. They do so many reshoots that everything has to look exactly the same every day." Imagine that! [Page Six]
• Diddy offered the City of New York $1 million if they made Ciroc vodka the official vodka of New Year's Eve and painted the ball in Times Square purple, as purple is the color of grapes that are used to make his Ciroc. The City of New York has politely declined. [Page Six]
• A British director has made a documentary about Carla Bruni. In it she talks about her music and her marriage to French President Nicolas Sarkozy. She says her attraction to Sarkozy was "instantaneous" and "immediate." She adds, "I don't know what he has but he has something very protective that I have never found before, maybe because I was much more attracted to artists." [Telegraph]
• Here's a marginally funny video with Jerry O'Connell and a very pregnant Rebecca Romijn in which she pretends that she is her shape-shifting X-Men character Mystique and gets testy because her babies are too human to shape-shift. Mreh. [Funny Or Die]
• Madonna's alleged boyfriend, 20-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz, has recently appeared in an "erotic" TV show, says the Telegraph. Luz "guest starred as Diogo, a jilted boyfriend, in the programme, titled Hostel. He was seen being led by his girlfriend to a party, where he drank too much and got drunk, passing out on a chair. While Diogo was unconscious, his girlfriend was seen making love to another man." [ Telegraph]
• "There's nothing worse than being a woman in show business . . . you'll be asked to do only two things in every [bleep]ing role you ever play: take your shirt off and cry." — David Mamet. [Page Six]

We wonder: is it worse that Ok! settled in for their long winter's nap last week with a double issue, or that the editors at the other mags have obviously been sleeping on the job? This week's cover stories are all about bodies: reducing the size of them, growing babies in them, taking them to the beach, and of course, pumping them full of drugs. We attempt to extract some holiday cheer from the sack full of coal that is Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, below.









Us
Before you sit down to your Christmas ham (or non-denominational Chinese food feast), Us would like to remind you that those holiday calories do, in fact, count. So here are some novel ideas from this year's Biggest Loser, in case you find you need to lose half your size in 2009: eat less and move more. Moving on: Madonna was only attracted to A.Rod because of the secrecy, and now a source says "she's totally lost interest." As have we. Next: Some stars got married this year, while others chose to spawn. To relive all the vicarious excitement, you can check out the mag's 16 page year-end filler special. Bonus: A complex two page chart (Fig. 1) that lists by month the 88 couples who either broke up or hooked up in 2008. Major points to anyone who can combine this with the infamous herpes tree.
Grade: F (Stepping on a shattered tree ornament)

In Touch
Katie Holmes tugged her shirt down in public, so obviously she is 12 weeks pregnant. A British tourist who spotted her in the street confirms, "She definitely had a baby bump." Next: Britney is suffering from stage fright because she's worried she can't live up to her fans' expectations. They're doping her up with two different anti-anxiety medications, so it looks like the show will go on. K-Fed is dating a girl from his bowling team. Sort-of-famous person Brandon Davis reports that there are different rules for celebrities in swanky rehab facilities. He says during his four times in treatment he's been allowed to keep his cell phone and has been offered drugs by other patients. "I can only imagine how easy it would be for a huge star in rehab to get away with things, like using drugs," he says.
Grade: D- (Discovering your dog has downed some tinsel)

Life & Style
Twilight star Robert Pattinson has been hitting the Hollywood party circuit and and a pal says, "he's drunk every night by 6:30pm." As for his co-star Kristen Stewart, "It's no secret that Kristen likes to unwind by smoking pot," says an insider. Could their antics jeopardize the sequel? Next: White House family feud! As previously reported in more reputable news sources, the Obama's asked to move into Blair House, the president's guest residence across the street from the White House, two weeks before the inauguration so that the kids could start school on time. And the Bushes shot them down! Former White House social secretary Leticia Baldridge advises that etiquette-wise, the Bush family was in the right. "They can stay in a hotel," she says. Burn. Moving on: The Jolie-Pitts have decided to leave America permanently for France, which isn't all that shocking since they're returning to Chateau Miraval, which they had already leased for three years. In other news, despite reports that their marriage is on the rocks, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony enjoyed a romantic dinner in L.A. last week. "They definitely looked like they were celebrating something," says an onlooker. J.Lo's triumphant return to the tabloid A-list last week, perhaps? Halle Berry is trying for baby number two according to the salesgirl at a Vancouver lingerie shop. Berry joked, "it's baby making time!" as she was leaving the store. This week in Dr. Rey's obnoxious plastic surgery case book: Kate Moss would look better with Blake Lively's legs, because all women are just a collection of interchangeable Mr. Potato Head parts. Lastly, everyone's being hit hard by the recession, but there is some good news: Celebs like Heidi Montag are getting paid less to appear at parties.
Grade: D (Extended family inquiring about your relationship status)

Star
The one good thing about the summer being over is that you'd think for at least eight months you wouldn't see a celebrity's cellulitey ass staring back at you on the check out line. But the laziness of Star's editors knows no season! Miley Cyrus is a "worst" because the 16-year-old wasn't showing enough skin. Ewan McGregor has the "worst fish belly," whatever that is, because he's not that tan nor are his abs chiseled. In actual gossip, the reason Nicole Kidman is rarely spotted with her kids Isabella and Connor is that Tom Cruise had secret papers drawn up that limit her visitation rights. She needs Tom's approval to go anywhere with the kids, Tom reads the emails she sends them, and he had to pre-approve her new husband Keith Urban before the kids were allowed to visit. Nicole agreed to sign the papers and keep her mouth shut because she knew Tom would blacklist her in Hollywood and ruin her career. Sad blind item: "Which little actress has big plans to squash the recent pregnancy rumors? She's started using laxatives to get back to her usual scary skinny look." Next: though the mag had elaborately planned out an entirely made up wedding for Jennifer Aniston in Los Cabos, they've decided they'd rather pretend Jen is getting married in the Greek Orthodox church, because "Jen's Big Fat Greek Wedding" makes a better headline. Moving on: If J.Lo and Marc Anthony divorced, she would definitely keep the twins, but they'll never divorce because she doesn't want to have a third failed marriage, so ... yeah. And finally, Star closes out 2008 with a 15 page story on celebrities' insane maple syrup diets and 8 hour workout sessions, which frankly, we could not read because we're off to down a massive amount of cookies and eggnog before Santa gets his grubby mitts on them.
Grade: D+ (A cookie jar full of broken off gingerbread man legs)

Fig. 1

[Beverly Hills, December 18. Image via Flynet]

But recall if you will, a time before Brangeliniston, before even Brangelina, in which our attention was held rapt by Bennifer and one notorious derriere. Yes, J.Lo is back from the clutches of suburban motherhood and she left her wedding ring at home. Does it mean her marriage to Marc Anthony on the rocks, or is J.Lo just letting us know that she would like us to pay attention to her again? We swallow a heaping dose of OK!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star, below.

OK!
Have you heard? "Jen's Obsessed With Angie." Also obsessed: the dozens of other publications from which this cover story was crudely cobbled together. Johnny Depp went shopping at a high-end jewelry store in California, which clearly means he's picked out a ring for Vanessa Paradis, his girlfriend of a decade and mother of his two children. The next 28 pages are devoted to a recap of the most important people and events 2008, as chosen by panelists Christian Siriano, Ann Curry, Diddy, and Lauren Conrad. And if that's not enough to convince you that everyone at OK! drank too much at the holiday party and called in sick on Monday, there is a peek into the "private world" of Clyde, the canine star of Marley & Me.
Grade: F (Drilling a hole in the head)

Life & Style
The six page "lump of coal" cover story "Baby's First Christmas" describes how celebs who have recently spawned are spending the holidays. The Jolie-Pitt kids are getting 1980s-style arcade rooms installed in their multiple homes, Pete Wentz bought 1-month-old Bronx Mowgli his first $5,000 electric guitar, and Nicole Richie's daughter Harlow is stuck with wooden blocks. The stars have shocking and bizarre Christmas traditions like opening presents, listening to Bing Crosby records, and spending time with their families. Next: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin haven't been spotted together since Beyonce and Jay-Z's wedding in April. Could their marriage be on the rocks? The mag helpfully points out that the holidays are a stressful time that could push a couple to the breaking point. Britney wants more plastic surgery. A "friend" says she's "dying to have her boobs lifted" and wants lipo on her butt and inner thighs. Michael Jackson has blown his billion dollar fortune and will be auctioning some of his most prized possessions in April. Here are some financial lessons you can learn from Michael: caring for your four giraffes costs about $12,000 per year and settling a child molestation case may run you more than $25 million. Moving on: Life & Style talks with Kate Walsh of Grey's Anatomy fame about her divorce from Alex Young, her husband of 15 months. Here's the "exclusive interview" in its entirety: "At the moment, for obvious reasons, I don't want to talk about my relationship with Alex or our divorce." Tara Reid checked herself into rehab at Promises in Malibu for reasons unknown. In the latest infuriating installment of Dr. Rey's plastic surgery casebook the bad doctor suggests that Nicollette Sheridan may look younger with Gwyneth Paltrow's face. Possible side effects: having someone else's face. Lastly, Brittany Flickinger, the winner of Paris Hilton's search for a "new BFF," reveals that she was never a Paris Hilton fan prior to landing a spot on the reality show. So what brought them together? "We have the same drink of choice," says Flickinger, "Patron tequila." Sounds like it's going to be a beautiful friendship.
Grade: D- (Amputation)

Us
In the case of the "disappearing bling" we learn that J.Lo showed up to the Benjamin Button premiere without her wedding rings. She may have left the rings home on purpose because she has always used her jewelry to "send SOS messages" to the press. Lopez is supposedly bored with suburban motherhood and wouldn't sit next to Marc Anthony at Thanksgiving dinner. Earlier this month, Anthony was spotted at Bungalow 8 having drinks with three women. He put his hand on one girl's thigh, which she thought was "gross." Anthony keeps tabs on J.Lo's phone calls and dictates her wardrobe choices. "You don't see so much of that booty anymore," says the couple's "longtime friend." Jennifer Connelly has gone from 140 lbs. to 110 lbs. in the past two years, according to a doctor who doesn't treat her. Connelly's explanation: "I eat an absurd amount of apples." Also, SNL alum Horatio Sans has gone from "chunk to hunk" by losing nearly 100 lbs. (Fig. 1). In closing, Michael Jackson's new style is inspired by Zorro and the Hamburgler (Fig. 2).
Grade: D (Leeches)

Star
As Star reported last week, the Jolie-Pitt kids are forcing their parents to get married in an elaborate (and entirely made up) June wedding. But first Brad wants Angie to sign a prenup because of the pair's dicey romantic track records. If they break up they'll each keep their own millions and Angie will get primary custody of all the kids because Brad doesn't want to break up the brood or take them from their mother. There are also uncomfortable details about how long Brad and Angie want to stay on life support if "something drastic" happens, but that's really something that should be discussed with your real life loved ones before clouding your mind with the wishes of the Jolie-Pitts. Blind item: Which actor has a special way to make himself feel holly jolly? While his kids shopped for a Christmas tree, he stayed in the car and fired up a suspicious smelling pipe. As you know, Oprah admitted that she is 200 lbs. in O magazine, but Star cattily insists that she's actually 10 lbs. heavier. The mag says she's planning on getting gastric bypass surgery to shed 50 lbs., but is worried that it will be too obvious. "She wants people to think it was through diet and exercise, and not because of surgery," says an insider. Mariah Carey was spotted holding a sonogram, refused to drink champagne, and just canceled a world tour. "What does it all mean?" demands Star. According to a detailed account of the star peeing on a pregnancy test, she's with child. Demi Lovato showed up to Miley Cyrus's October birthday party with smudgy black lines on her wrist. Is she cutting? She had marks on her wrist in September, but her rep claimed they were left by a gummy bracelet. If this is the first tabloid you're buying this year, you may want to check out the 16 page story on the "OMG! MOMENTS OF 2008." Otherwise, they are considerably less shocking.
Grade: D+ (Blood letting)

In Touch
The magazine asks, Angelina Jolie versus Jennifer Aniston: "Why Can't They Let It Go?" Could it be because In Touch keeps putting fake stories like this one on the cover? Lindsay Lohan and Anne Hathaway have each lost 20 lbs and are now "scary-skinny." Or they were photographed in a baggy outfit. Britney is secretly dating Benji Madden. Britney selected Paris Hilton's recent ex off a list of potential boyfriends compiled by her dad Jamie and manager Larry Rudolph. The list included Chace Crawford, Jesse Metcalfe, and Michael Phelps. But! Brit is also dating Kentwood, La. local Ryan Martin. He is 20 and best friends with Britney's baby-daddy-in-law Casey Aldridge. Moving on: Fergie and Josh Duhamel, who have been engaged for a year, are secretly planning to wed on the weekend of January 10. But the real "top secret" may be that Fergie isn't gaining weight for an upcoming role, she's pregnant. Jude Law's receding hairline has been looking much fuller recently. Did he get a hair transplant? In a four page spread on Christmas at Kathy Griffin's house we learn that she has decorated her LA home for the holidays with mounted reindeer heads and golden Emmy theme. "I don't know if you've heard, but I won two Emmys," Griffin explains, "and it is important that every single person alive knows that I have two Emmys." There's a picture of Kathy next to her dominatrix-themed tree holding a whip (Fig. 3). Lastly, Time may have named Barack Obama is the Person of the Year, but according to In Touch, it's actually David Cook. A handy comparison chart explains that though Obama has more Grammys, David Cook won a higher percentage of Idol's final vote than Obama got in the election, and Cook has more MySpace friends.
Grade: C- (Expired children's cough syrup)

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According to the Hollywood Reporter, Plan B "centers on a single woman who conceives twins through artificial insemination (her Plan B) only to meet the man of her dreams (her Plan A) on the very same day." Is the writer of this dreck not aware that colloquially "Plan B" means something almost diametrically opposed to the plot of her movie? Does she know and not care? Is it supposed to be ironic? Will it be an abortion of good taste? So many questions! But also intriguing is the fact that she's not the only one to use the name "Plan B" for something non-hormonal pill related. Behold!


Plan B Entertainment: The production company co-founded by Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Grey. Maybe an appropriate name because the partnership was "aborted" after Brad and Jen split — Brad stuck with plan B, and Jennifer has moved on to form her own company called Echo Films.


Plan B —The Album: By Huey Lewis and the News, circa 2001. Includes such classic tracks as "The Rhythm Ranch." However, in musicland there is also a Dexy's Midnight Runners song called "Plan B" and a British rapper called Plan B, whose first single was called "Mama (Loves A Crackhead)." How heartwarming!


Plan B — The Magazine: A London-based Indie music and culture magazine. The editor-in-chief is music journalist Everett True, who (at least according to Wikipedia), "Thackray is also renowned for being a champion of equality within music, whether sexual, gender-based or racial. Indeed, detractors have in the past labelled his supposed bias towards female-helmed bands to be over-zealous." This sounds like a Plan B we can get behind!


Plan B — The Original: the morning after pill that keeps those pesky possibly-fertilized eggs from implanting. We are grateful for its continued legality in the United States!








Jennifer Lopez Pencils In 'Plan B [Hollywood Reporter]

[Los Angeles, October 28. Image via Flynet]

• Rumored brat Peaches Geldof — sister of model Pixie — can add designer to her resume of insta-careers. "Designing for PPQ has been fun and inspiring. I've always loved their clothes, the way Amy can pull off the perfect arty dress over and over again. I love that my collection came out exactly as I wanted, blending new romanticisim with gothic undertones," quoth the VJ-bride-rich-person-It-Girl. [VogueUK]
• Displaying their usual impeccable taste and penchant for dated trends, American Apparel suggests a bloodied Monica Seles costume. [American Apparel]
• According to one manufacturer, Obama tees are outselling McCain 54.1 to 45.9 percent. [SeattlePI]
• The crucial fashion designer demographic is, at least, solidly for Change. [WWD]
• After punching, groping pilot, Hermes heir is allowed to fly. Well, after posting an additional mil in bail. [New York Magazine]

• Ryan Gosling DJ'd at the Burberry Store Opening. Hey, don't ask me! [VogueUK]
• Louis Vuitton cleans up in latest counterfeit lawsuit. [WWD]
• New Banana Republic creative director unveils his first collection. It sounds...exactly like every other BR line. "For spring, Simon Kneen will be building on the Banana Republic brand DNA, focusing on the polished urban work wear aesthetic we have come to know and love." [ElleUK]
• Designers' 'breast cancer awareness' (read: pink stuff) isn't purely altruistic? Surely you jest! [Forbes]
• Armani says founding designers need to let their companies go. "It is painful but you need to have the courage that, once it is done - not to have any claims over it." But, oh yeah, he's not going anywhere. [Reuters]
• Some fashionista's "frugal fashion" tips: "Ms. Borissova, who is also a personal stylist, is updating her look with higher-quality designer pieces, such as a Balmain tweed jacket and Preen blouse, as well as vintage clothes including a Halston animal-print dress and a Thierry Mugler jacket. Not only are such styles likely to last longer than cheaper clothes; they also are investments that might have resale value." [WSJ]
• The recent bid for Pacific Swimwear might be kind of shady. [NY Times]
• Sigerson-Morrison (well, Sigerson) on how they got into designing (awesome, expensive) shoes: "I was 14, living in Omaha, Nebraska, and my Dad sent me a course catalogue for classes at FIT. I think I thought there was something exotic about shoe design. Clothing was relatively easy to understand how they were made and put together, but shoes??!! Shoes were a mystery; only the coolest people knew how shoes were made!" [The Fashion Informer]
• Topshop defies the market with a record year; owner credits Kate Moss. [Daily Mail]
• 1,500 Chinese dogs, bred for their raccoon-like fur, die from tainted feed. [Breitbart]
• Twiggy reunited with a dress she designed in the 60s; apparently she had been unable to track one down! [Daily Express]
• Lanvin tries to change the latex image: "Usually, latex evokes sex and S&M," says Nicolas Ghesquière, "but I didn't want to say that at all. The rubber is not intended to touch the skin, there is silk in between. It's a softer image, not about fetishism at all." [Independent]
• Vivienne Westwood's photographer son is staging a controversial photo shoot of "slaves." "The "chain gang" will include models and activists from the Consenting Adult Action Network (CAAN) who will be bound and gagged in a visual protest, in what campaigners believe restricts adults' sexual choices." [Telegraph]
• Aliens, astronauts loom large at India's fashion week. [Yahoo]
• Coach profits fall in first quarter. [Crains]
• Want to see a really ugly shoe?! [ElleUK]
• Donatella Versace's being honored; Prince and J.Lo will be there. [WWD]
• Murakami's being honored, too, by Pratt. But Prince won't be there. [WWD]

• Mini moguls Mary Kate and Ashley are dipping their tiny feet into the world of fashionable footwear. They're teaming up with Steve Madden to add a shoe line to their Elizabeth and James label. [ElleUK]
• Weirdly, model Twiggy's husband calls her Twiggy too. [Daily Express]
• Moddles fall all over the runway on Prada's slippery runway. Try not to enjoy it. [NY Times]
• Following in the steps of such sex symbols as Gorbachev and the Berlin Wall, Sean Connery goes before Annie Leibovitz's lens for Louis Vuitton. [WWD]
• Just saying, if I were running for office, known ass Andre Leon Tally is kind of the last person I'd want carrying a tote with my name all over it, even if it was a DVF original. [Concrete Loop]

• Diesel launches the Diesel car. Doesn't require diesel though. [ElleUK]
• As they say, the rich get richer: cosmetics mogul Laura Mercier sells pad for numerous millions. [Observer]
• Marc Jacobs turns London's black cabs into a "dasiy chain." "In promotion for his floral fragrance Daisy, Jacobs will be adorning black cabs in London with the flower, as well as outfitting the cabs’ interiors with faux daisy fields." One can only assume long-suffering cabbies were not consulted. [BlackBook]
• Remember Bag, Borrow or Steal, which got plugged in the SATC movie when Jennifer Hudson borrowed her fug purses from them? Yeah, here's more about that. [The Street]
• Heidi Klum is very gracious about J.Lo's obvious lying to get out of Project Runway finale. [The Cut via a href="http://www.accesshollywood.com/heidi-klum-on-jlo-missing-runway-finale-she-is-fantastic-i-believe-her_article_11364">Access Hollywood]
• Calvin Klein on fashion's realities: "It's a tough business. It's one that you really have to work at — if you're a very small business, or it's very large. It requires a full commitment. There is no easy way to do this," [Yahoo]
• Prada wants in on the pre-fab millionaire's playground that is Dubai. [IHT]
• David Bowie loans Ziggy Stardust outfit to a pop exhibition. What does he do with it the rest of the time? [Daily Express]
• Despite her involvement with the Freddy Prinze, Jr. vehicle Head Over Heels, Shalom Harlow will be the star of Viktor and Rolf's virtual fashion show. [WWD]
• To make up for flagging sales, luxury retailers focus on their outlet stores. Which are hopefully less depressing as a result. Looking at you, Saks outlet at Woodbury Commons! [Business Week]
• Le sigh. Editrice spawn Julia Restoin-Roitfeld to front British chain Accessorize. [WWD]

• Is Gossip Girl pretty boy Chace Crawford set to replace McDreamy as the face of Versace? [Perez Hilton]
• Fashion slang seems to have no regard for a word's actual meaning: "Designer Ashleigh Verrier said her favorite fashion word was "diaphanous" — an adjective characterizing fineness of texture. 'As in, 'That dress is so diaphanous!'' she said. 'I like 'Glamit'," said fashion designer Marc Bouwer, who uses the term for a fashion line. 'It is so gorgeous and glamorous. You don't want to use cliched words.'Designer Thuy Diep said 'prune"'was popular within her fashion crew to express disapproval." [Reuters]
• Vogue-interning hockey playing fashionisto Sean Avery on who should play him in the rumored movie about him: "'Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit, man. I dunno I dunno I dunno I dunno I dunno. Fuck. I dunno!...I don't know anything. That's what casting guys are for! Shit. No questions!'" Sounds like that'll be some sparkling dialogue! [Radar]

• This is like telling us the Earth is flat! An "expert in visual perception" claims that vertical stripes are actually unflattering! Prune! [Guardian]
• As if her life was not sufficiently charmed, stunning editrice spawn Julia Restoin-Roitfeld is now art-directing! "Casting fellow model and brother Vladimir as the male lead, Restoin-Roitfeld art-directed the campaign from start to finish. The result is a super-sexy music-inspired campaign that lends Rock & Republic's image rock and roll cool." [Daily Mail]
• Eva Mendes is feeling her banned CK ad: "It’s very rock ’n’ roll; I kind of like it. I want to do more. I want keep pushing the envelope.” [WWD]
• Apparently "pushing the envelope" means working on a home decor line with Macy's. "The line, created with Mendes' boyfriend, film producer George Augusto, will be called "Vida" and will initially feature five bedding styles." [Crains]
• High-street brands making token (read: "almost no") effort to improve the conditions of overseas manufacturing. [Guardian]
• More on the kinda heartbreaking Sears Fashion Week tent. [AdAge]
• Embattled retailer Steve & Barry's now getting sinister emails from a supplier: "When customers 'happily shop' at the chain, 'they are actually buying clothes … soaking of blood and tears of worldwide vendors,' one e-mail read." [NYT via a href="http://dealbook.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/09/12/supplier-has-harsh-words-for-steve-barrys/>The Post]
• In honor of fashion week, Luca Luca executives will ring in the closing bell of the NASDAQ Stock Market. Brokers will almost certainly not care. [WWD]
• After years of giving it short shrift, Calvin Klein focuses on high-end collections again. [WSJ]
• Teen spending down. [Portfolio]
• Gok Wan (the British Carson Kressley) on his idols: "Sarah Jessica Parker - she has amazing style, and when I saw her and Vivienne Westwood [another one of Gok’s favourites] on the red carpet at the same time, I didn’t know whether to throw up or fart - I was so excited!" Why not do both? [Mirror]
• Albino model Shaun Ross breaks the mold. [NYT]
• Things are looking gloomy for French Connection. Has FCUK had its day? [FT]
• Fashion minions give the Nuclear Wintour a piece of their minds - okay, anonymously. "Painter Geoffrey Raymond hawked his portrait of Wintour, dubbed The Annotated Anna, to Bryant Park and asked fashionistas to write a message to Wintour on the canvas. Comments ranged from 'Scaaary!'‚ to the more flattering 'You look great without the sunglasses"' Raymond plans to sell the painting on eBay, with a starting bid of $3,500." Wait, that's the best they can do? Pass that thing around Jezebel! [The First Post]
• This pleases us: fashionistas waiting on line get into the Target "pop-up bodegas." [WWD]
• Tory Burch seeks outside investors for her boho-country club empire. [WSJ]