1.) Martha Stewart Vs. Rachael Ray
Last night on Nightline, Cynthia McFadden tried to stir up shit between the two women.

2.) Martha Stewart Vs. Sarah Palin
But on the red carpet this week, Martha didn't need any encouragement to talk shit on Sarah.

3.) Piper Palin Child Beauty Queen
Earlier this week, I joked that Piper Palin was wearing so much makeup for Sarah's interview with Barbara Walters that she practically looked high glitz.

Later that day, Oprah's camera crew went to Wasilla to film the Palin family at home, where Piper was wearing a crown and a sash.

4.) Mother/daughter bonding

5.) The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
It's funny 'cause it's true.

6.) Crap letter from a dude
As featured on True Life: I Can't Leave My Boyfriend. The guy later came back to her apartment when she wasn't home, and stole all of her electronics and her dog.

7.) America's Next Top Amityville Horror
ANTM aired some never-before-seen moments, and I'd rather that this one had stayed unseen.

8.) Drunk idiots
The people on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge get so stupid drunk that they always end up fighting, and subsequently kicked off the show (whichseems to be their sole source of income). Brad started in with Darrell for no reason.

And then Darrell turned Brad into Quasimodo.

9.) Sewing with Nancy
Her awkwardness makes me uncomfortable.

10.) Stomache

1.) Toes
Tyra had guests this week who get fake toenails put on.

And there were these idiots, who pay $65 a session to have their toes read.

2.) Mariah
She made the talk show rounds. She stumbled on Leno.

Then she went on Larry King Live, where she blinged out his logo.

And then smelled her tits.

Also, Larry serenaded her.

3.) "Where are you?"
Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew premiered this week. One of its cast members, Nicole Narain, was on The Joy Behar Show, where she answered Joy's question a little too literally.

4.) What happens when you slouch in Judge Judy's court.

5.) Cougars
The Insider is taking this taking this cougar thing way too far. Although, I do like the little glimpses of Wasilla townies we get.

Niecy Nash is now literally referred to as "the resident cougar," and for the past two weeks, she's been going on dates with younger men.

Is this supposed to be sexy? Chest stubble and exaggerated nipples?

It reminds me of when Homer got plastic surgery so that Marge wouldn't leave him for a younger man.

And his nipples cried.

6.) Heather from Rock of Love on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
She played a hooker.

7.) Why did Sandals have to ruin a perfectly lovely song?

8.) Jon Gosselin implied that he's on the same professional level as Mary Hart.
And she didn't like it.

9.) Kirstie Alley on her coke days.

10.) Michelle Obama is fun.

1.) Jon Gosselin
I know it's nearly impossible that anyone in America managed to miss him since he was all over TV talking about how he doesn't want to be on TV anymore. On Monday on The Insider, Jon faced off with Nancy Grace. Later in the week, The Insider tried to propel that insanity by airing "footage you didn't see" from the event. Here, Jon admits that his earrings are CZs.


Jon also ran back and forth between The Insider and Entertainment Tonight, showing "bank statements" proving that he did not steal money from Kate.










However, even the correspondent on The Insider recognized that this one transaction receipt proves absolutely nothing.




2.) "I'm showing America how it works."
God, he's like the fountain of spoof.


3.) In other grossness: Tamerlane Phillips.
Remember two weeks ago when people didn't care about the Gosselins for four days because Mackenzie Phillips' rape and incest bombshell stole the show? Tamerlane Phillips misses those days.


4.) The best intervention ever, courtesy of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.





5.) Kaity Tong Drunk?
Speaking of interventions…sheesh.


This man-on-the-street from the story she was introducing is awesome.


6.) Shut up, Joy!


7.) People are still getting "The Rachel"?


8.) Does Kim know that wig hair doesn't grow back?


9.) Khloe Kardashian's 9 Carats


10.) WWWWD?
She would think WWJJD.

• Catholics in Poland are urging the government there to cancel Madonna's August 15 concert, saying…

The pop star "cannot sing on the religious feast of the Blessed Virgin Mary." But everybody knows she cannot sing on the other 364 days of the year either. [UPI]

• Danny DeVito: drunk in the morning again. He was being interviewed live at 8 AM on Tuesday for a local news show while on the set of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Drunk while filming a comedy show? He's ruining feminism. [Perez Hilton]
• Michael Jackson may have messed up the Jackson family reunion concert that was in the works by allegedly breaching the contract his manager signed with an entertainment company who is suing Jackson for $40 million. So far, the rest of the family are keeping their noses out of the mess. [TMZ, USA Today]
• But Jacko can still moonwalk…or so he says…through a hospital mask. [TMZ]
• Ed McMahon has seemingly lost his battle to save his home from foreclosure. His house will be auctioned off by the bank in late June. [Radar]
• Kendra Wilkinson is pregnant and her former-Girls Next Door co-star Bridget Marquardt is throwing the baby shower. Judging from the housewarming present she gave Kendra, we can't wait to see what the layette set will have printed on it. [Us]
• Chris Brown's lawyer went to the California appeals court today to ask that his trial—for the alleged assault of Rihanna—be delayed. The judge denied the request, and the trial is still set for June 22. [TMZ]
• Life-size cardboard cutouts of Brad Pitt dressed as police officer have been placed by the most dangerous intersections in the city of Omsk, as a way to handle Siberia's speeding problem. According to Omsk officials, it's working. [Mirror]
• Myleene Klass, one of the hosts of I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! had to be rescued by Costa Rican hotel staff after she accidentally glued herself to the bed. [ONTD]
• Phil Spector's infamous large court hair was a wig!? He's bald in this mugshot, taken last week. [TSG]
• Shia LaBeouf gets his sense of humor where most people get their nightmares: From seeing his parents have sex. [Just Jared]
• Even more nightmare material: When Shia was 2 his dad would dress him up as a clown and make him walk around the neighborhood. How is this guy not a serial killer? [Parade]
• Shanna Moakler wants her job back as pageant director for Miss California USA now that proponent of opposite marriage Carrie Prejean got the boot. [TMZ]
• Hank Azaria and his girlfriend had a baby boy over the weekend. [People]
• "Obsessed" will be the first single released (on June 16) from Mariah Carey's new album—awesomely titled—Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel. [Rolling Stone]
• Mel Gibson and his soon-to-be-ex-wife Robyn have filed a joint request in court to keep the financial details of their divorce private. [TMZ]
• Michael Lohan is off the hook for that misdemeanor charge of aggravated harassment. [Yahoo]
• Sonja Norwood (aka the mother of Brandy and Ray J) filed a lawsuit against Kim Kardashian for allegedly using the Norwood family's credit card without permission when Kim was hired as Brandy's stylist. The lawsuit was dismissed. [People]
• Beyoncé in post-apocalyptic armor singing "If I Were a Boy" duet-style with George Michael goes from Beyond Thunderdome to beyond gay. It's hard to wrap one's head around this gender fuck, no matter how much weave is available. [WoW]
• Breaking: Nancy Pelosi and Owen Wilson had dinner at the D.C. restaurant Cafe Milano…at different tables. They didn't talk to each other or anything. [Politico]
• Bai Ling will play a hooker in Love Ranch—a film about the first legal brothel in Nevada, starring Helen Mirren—despite the fact the that she had her back to the camera during her screen test because she was in a "bad mood." [Daily Express]
• Keira Knightley and Colin Farrell have signed on to star in London Boulevard, the directorial debut of Oscar-winning screenwriter William Monahan. [THR]
• A Broadway revival of Babes in Arms is in the works, with Rosie O'Donnell as the star. [UPI]
• Sherri Shepherd is all pissed off that she can't eat the skin on a chicken leg, per her nutritionist's orders. She's trying to get a "bathing suit body" to reveal on The View by August 6. She's lost four pounds so far. [People]
• Hugh Grant tried to kick a paparazzo in the balls. The photog sold the footage, of course. [TMZ]
• Matthew McConaughey swears his bachelor days are over now that he has a child with his girlfriend. He referred to his family as a "tribe," so we're thinking that his naked-bongo days are still going strong. [Daily Express]
• Monica Seles is dating a cranky old billionaire—30 years her senior—who doesn't like paying taxes. [Wonkette]
• The record-breaking ratings of the premiere of Edie Falco's Nurse Jackie Monday night were so impressive that Showtime has already ordered a second season. [Women and Hollywood]
• Blind Item: "Which top-selling artist purportedly had his new single cut from some radio stations playlists in retaliation for supporting royalties for musicians?" (The article goes on to say that it's probably Bono.) [USA Today]
• Bono and The Edge wrote the music and lyrics for the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark, and Bono likens himself to a superhero, natch. [Rolling Stone]
• "Mommy breastfed all three of you. You guys took all my milk, so now mommy's just getting the milk put back inside." Real Housewives of New Jersey's Teresa Giudice's explanation to her daughters about her new buh-bees. Don't go putting silicone in your coffee, girls! [People]
• "I went through this stage where I would just go out, not be responsible, not focus on work or class, and my management was like, 'Listen, you could go either way. You could be this person - I won't name names - a reality show actress. Or you could go this way - award-winning actress.' That was a real shock." - Twilight's Ashley Greene doesn't want to be like Paris Hilton. [Nylon]
• "So many means of expression are being explored in TV through women who are fully mature, in the prime of their lives, feeling experienced and able to express who they are. We're not 21. It's really exciting, in that these opportunities are kind of unprecedented. Glenn Close, Kyra Sedgwick, Mary McCormick, Mary Louise Parker, a show like United States of Tara—women are exploring all kinds of new aspects of themselves." - Holly Hunter [HuffPo]
• "I like when she demonstrates how to transport a potted plant while wearing Hermes pants and uses enough packing material to move a whole house. But we're just moving one plant. Really you just put the plant in a truck and go." - Alexis Stewart on her mom Martha. [AP]
• "I probably won't watch [The Hills]. I'm not a huge TV person." - author Lauren Conrad. [E!]

[Hollywood, April 10. Image via Getty.]