I Hope You Were At Least A Little Tipsy, Jesse Jackson

• Want to hear Jesse Jackson say something embarrassing and regrettable about cutting Obama's nuts out that is probably even more regrettable considering the supposed context is some shit about how Barack Obama needs to stop focusing so much on taking black men to task for being bad role models? Then turn on O'Reilly at 8! Yeah, I'm choosing beer in this case. [Drudge]
• Test missile launches always seem like the ten million dollar equivalent of showing up at your ex-boyfriend's party with some hot dude you blow at around midnight in the corner, in full view of at least three of his closest friends. Which is to say, they're just sort of inexplicably lame to me but it's the sort of behavior that shows you know exactly how to fuck with dudes. [WSJ]
• Sure you can get mad at Obama for supporting this rotten warrantless wiretapping retroactive immunity crap, but do you really think "swing voters" would buy that he doesn't support the U.S. Constitution solely on grounds that he's an Allah-worshiping terrorist? [Salon]
• Handy "analogy for the whole fucking economy" of the day #1: My grandfather's people are about to start getting paid in Euros. [WSJ]

"Maybe That's A Way Of Killing 'Em…"

22-Year-Old Arms Dealer: But They Passed That Arms Embargo Way Before I Was Even Born!

• OMG remember Efraim Diveroli, the 22-year-old Andy Samberg lookalike from Miami with the $300 million defense contract to sell ancient Chinese ammunition to the Afghan insurgency via Albania? Apparently the US Ambassador was involved in covering up the scam, probably because Efraim was also Albania's leading supply of whores. [NYT]
• And speaking of…people we haven't thought about in a few months, Ashley Alexandra Dupre updated her MySpace! [People]
• 92% of Americans believe in God or something Godlike that doesn't sound quite as lame. But there are ways to combat this! 10% of people raised without religion describe themselves as atheists, and that likelihood goes even higher if you raise your kids Jewish. [LA Times]
• Rich people are actually less happy because they spend so much time doing the unpleasant things required to become rich, such as laying people off and outsourcing business functions to Bangladesh and actually like "working." [Washington Post]

Does Miley Cyrus Represent A "Normal Weight"? • Tehran Opens "Gals Only" Park

Democrats Kiss And Make Up With Everyone Except Lieberman

• For those of you who don't recognize the people Obama is embracing, that's Debbie Dingell to the left and Senator Carl Levin to the right. They were two of the four Michiganders who led the fight to get Michigan's full delegate seated at the convention. [Kalamazoo Gazette]
• Which is a roundabout way of illustrating that Democrats are all kissing and making up and coming to the fold and John McCain may be feeling lonely without the ladies he was expecting to come over. [LA Times]
• Except for with Joe Lieberman, he's really pissing the Dems off. He might speak at the Republican convention, by the way, a la Zell Miller. [HuffPo]
• Obama confirmed the month-long rumors today that Patti Solis Doyle, Clinton's former campaign manager, will be joining his campaign. That's gonna be interesting. [Fox News]
• Gore endorsing Obama? Prolly gonna be less exciting unless he shows up with pictures of Manbearpig. Why won't anyone take him serially? [Washington Post]

Cliques Push Brand-Obsessed Teens • Queen Of Hip Hop Soul Starts Foundation For Girls

Jeremiah Wright: Still The Least Of Our Problems, But Our Problems Kind Of Suck

• "He's obviously a well-educated, sincere man who has done good work in building Trinity United Church of Christ. But, to borrow a phrase that Wright might have used in one of his sermons, his rant at the Press Club demonstrates, that he is also a damn fool." [TheRoot]
  
• Surely I wasn't the only one who detected some philosophical ideological undertones to the Lauren Conrad-Heidi Montag feud, but both actually turn out to support bombing Iran. [NY Mag]
  
• Perhaps because Iran recently condemned Barbie dolls. [NYT]
  
• The Fed's bailout of Bear Stearns is the "worst policy mistake of the generation." Well, I mean, we pointed that out already, but when a former Fed head of monetary affairs says so it's apparently "news." [WSJ]
  
• It was a real delusion. It was like [former New York Gov. Eliot] Spitzer: "I am doing something dangerous, but because of who I am, and how smart I am, it is not going to come back to haunt me." -89-year-old financial manager and historian Peter Bernstein. [WSJ]
  
• And now we've got 18.6 million vacant homes on our hands! [Wonkette]

The Obama Attack Ad Too "Extreme" For John McCain!

• "They're not listening to me because they're out of touch with reality and the Republican Party. We are the party of Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan and this kind of campaigning is unacceptable. I've done everything that I can to repudiate and to see that this kind of campaigning does not continue." That's the seventysomething presumptive nominee for the Republican presidential candidate, who may just be sufficiently out of touch with the party of Strom Thurmond, Tom DeLay and Dick Cheney to win the election, on the not-so-subtle Obama attack ad you can watch after the jump. [Reuters]
  
• And you fucking know what? We'll be bombing Iran and the hedge funds will have figured out how to directly short-sell human life but at least we will have a president who wants to put an end to this shit. [WSJ]
  
• Here's an inspiring story for those of you who have ever been fired and worry you'll never get another job in this economy (what with consumer confidence at a 26-year-low) because you have a criminal record and/or lost your last company $7 billion or something like that: Jerome Kerviel got a job! [WSJ]

Would It Kill These Candidates To Eat A Frickin Cheesesteak?

Polygamist Wives "Inspire" Spring Trends; Jail Guards Tase Cat To Death

In Some Places, Skinny Jeans And Stiletto Boots Can Get You Killed

Old Lady Shows Others Lost In The Wilderness How It's Done

• Three cheers for 76-year old Ora Doris Anderson; the senior was thought to be dead after she went missing in the Oregonian mountains for two weeks but rescuers found her alive yesterday. Way to go, Grandma! [CNN]
  
• A Daily Mail writer has her panties in a wad over usually demure women being fond of topless sunbathing. We were laying out topless yesterday not because it was a way of letting out our inner whore but because white boobs look stupid. Besides, Sienna Miller does it and she's a trendsetter. [Daily Mail]
  
• Is breast-feeding the word of the day? Lactivists (heh) took their "nurse-out" national as protesters demonstrated at Applebee's restaurants in 30 states. It would be so much easier to just refuse to eat at Applebee's from here on out — their food is nasty anyway. [Kentucky.com]

Senator Craig Has Never Been Gay, And Other Things That Make So Much Sense

• Senator Craigslist says that not only is he not gay, he has never been gay, including when he was arrested three months ago and also back in 1982 when he had to deny he was gay on account of all the young boy Congressional pages he'd plied with drugs and alcohol and fucked, which very neatly explains, you see, why he plead guilty.
  
• Fidel Castro, back writing editorials for his mouthpiece newspaper after being crucified last Friday by Pontius Perez Hilton, writes that a Hillary Clinton-Barack Obama ticket would be almost as "invincible" as him — and he's not exactly stoked.
  
• Illiterate L.C. ex Jason Wahler afforded a 4-karat diamond rock for his barely-leagal honey. [TMZ]

Birth Control Is About To Get Much Pricier For 'Girls Gone Wild' Generation

Britney On The Road To Personal Ruin, Hot Flashes

• Women who smoke are more likely to go through early menopause; like, before the age of 45. [DailyMail]
  
• Eating disorders are not just for the young: There's a rise in women in their 30s, 40s, even 50s seeking treatment for diseases such as anorexia and bulimia. [USAToday]
  
• Coming soon to an airliner near you: A breast-milk "free for all"! [Salon]
  
• Placentas: Good for depression, good for hair? [Salon]
  
• The body-parts of some 3 dozen infant girls and aborted female fetuses were found in a well in India. Which is pretty much what you can expect from a society that in large part, doesn't value an entire gender. [The Guardian]

Britney As Whitney? God Help Us.

• Britney Spears to star in remake of The Bodyguard! Oh wait, phew. Joke! [Best Week Ever]
  
• The verdict is in: Miss New Jersey can stay Miss New Jersey, even though she's a (only sorta) dirty girl. [CNN]
  
• A helpful hint: Don't eat steamed buns off the street in China. They're made of cardboard. [CBS]
  
• What's your virginity worth nowadays? Free theater tickets? [USA Today]
  
• Different day, same deal: President Bush still believes the Iraq war can be won. [CNN]

Venus Williams To Go For Wimbledon Singles Title #4

• Serena didn't make it but Venus did: The oldest tennis-playing Williams sister has made it into the Wimbledon finals for the 6th time. She'll play Marion Bartoli tomorrow on center court. [SportsIllustrated]
  
• According to Joel Dykstra, a representative in the South Dakota state legislature, the words 'rape' and 'incest' are just buzzwords. "It's a bit of a throwaway line and not everybody who says that really understands what that means."[Feministing]
  
• Iran's Ayatollah Ali Khamenei may be flexible on the issue of broadening Iranian women's rights. But, uh, probably not. [Salon]
  
• One woman in the NY Times' obituaries section today: Regine Crespin, 80, who battled through a difficult childhood with an alcoholic mother to become a famous French opera singer. [NYTimes]