It's baffling to think that there was a time people thought this cut of trouser looked good. It's weird around the crotch, it's weird around the hips, it's weird at the ankle. It's weird.

Is this what the crotch of a gentleman's jeans are suposed to look like? Like a smirking smiley face?

Or is everything from waist to crotch supposed to be smooth and high and square? Keep in mind this waistband is ELASTIC.

"The Dutch Look": Do you have a hash stash in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

We interrupt this crotch watch to bring you the sheer (heh) terror of the "mesh body shirt."

Two words come to mind, one of them LOL and the other OW.

Poor guy just found out there won't be a Dick Tracy sequel. He's devastated.

Although it's unclear what the rules of this game are — something about awkwardly showing off the crotch and knowing what to do with your hands — it's obvious that the black guy is winning.

The champ returns with another victory.

This crotch is insane. The way everything is bunched up and there are layers on layers and pleats on pleats and stariways leading to stairways as though Escher was the tailor.

Here, a bizarre exposed-button crotch competes wth a crop top worn over a hoodie for sheer mind-bogglery.

OMG remember Cross Colors? This was not the intended consumer.

And the winner. For Most Attention-Grabbing Crotch In A Pair Of Pants. Goes to… the "chaps-look jean," by Generra. Of course.

Earlier: The Best & Worst Of 'International Male,' Summer 1986
The International Male 1986 Holiday Catalog: The Recockulous Jackpot!
Searching For The Worst Outfit In 'International Male'
UnderGear: No Boxers, No Briefs... From The People Who Brought You International Male
Related: Yesterday In Catalogs

• More Olympian ovations! This week we crushed on Shelly-Ann Fraser's gleaming braces and Shawn Johnson's balance beam dominance.
• You sent in your retro sports photos, which won the adorable Olympics.
• We audibly squeeeeeee-d when we discovered that Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams were back together. Squeee!
• We did not squee over P.U.M.A.s, Will Bower, or any other mouth-breathing, politically destructive a-holes.
• International Male from the early mid-80s. Fringe and short shorts and spandex oh my!

• We pondered fast fashion.
• We no longer want to ponder the status of Jennifer Aniston's vagina, ring finger.
• It's the weekend, y'all! So eat some questionable sushi, read some delightful YA novels about brother fucking and relax!

Yeah, that's right. Uptown. Where purple and pink are hot. Where a satin big shirt is cool. Where drugs are necessary.

The Publisher's Choice: Is that Colin Farrell?

"Dude, should I wear my Avanti slacks with The Vercelli, the Griffin sweater, or both?"

S351 looks suspiciously like a throw from my mom's couch.

Note the utter lack of irony in that man's face as he models that Vaquero Jacket. Fringe is his friend.

It wasn't just in Better Off Dead. I went to prep school in the '80s. Stuff like this really happened.

My mind keeps whispering, "You mean foreign lesion. From sketchy sex."

Memo To Chuck Bass: Step it up.

Wait a second: Is that Kim Cattrall?

Is it??????

There's nothing like an intense workout! Especially when it involves wearing shimmering spandex and getting a grip on another dude. Feel the burn!

Ahem. What do you think would happen if I called right now and tried to order this item right out of 1986? Seriously. I need to know.

Earlier: The Best & Worst Of 'International Male,' Summer 1986
UnderGear: No Boxers, No Briefs... From The People Who Brought You International Male
Searching For The Worst Outfit In 'International Male'

Did you know that Rayon was the season's most important fabric in the summer of 1986? Did you know that her peculiar, unfortunate shirt was called an "angel top"? Well, now you do. International Male does God's work.

The beefy, blond Aryan type loses his appeal when he's in pseudo-military gear, in my opinion. It takes me back to when, as a wee lass, I found out Rolfe was a Nazi in the Sound Of Music. Sniff.

"It's a natural! Just as natural as what my hand is doing in my pocket right now. It must be natural — it feels so good!"

Which would you rather find out the man in your life wears: The supertrimmer? Or Le Masque? Think carefully.

Oooh, "classics"! Denim short-shorts, camo bikini undies, chest-hair revealing tank tops and "Foreign Legion" brozner. Collect 'em all!

The Key Largo shirt is mildly horrifying. The peach canvas suit is Miami Nice. But let's focus on the Dickens Glasses, shall we? Because it is taking all my power not to make a joke like, "They're called that because you wear them when you want to get a dick in you."

Isn't it funny how all the '80s styles now are on svelte, emaciated hipster boys? These fashions look so different with a little hair and brawn thrown in.

And by "For Her" they mean, "For when he feels like gettin' freaky."

Just because this kind of shock and awe is a little unorthodox doesn't mean it's ineffective.

The swimsuits of 1986 were actually quite tame when compared to what's going on over there now.

Guido Slacks. 'Nuff said.

The soft focus, the sad, subservient, irrelevant female, the women's underwear that looks like men's underwear: Genius.

A new attitude! In unnecessary glasses! And is it me, or is that shoe on the right downright obscene?

Earlier: UnderGear: No Boxers, No Briefs... From The People Who Brought You International Male
Searching For The Worst Outfit In 'International Male'

• We agreed we would lie to our kids about our debauched pasts. There will be fewer than eighteen of them, trust.
  
• You could do a lot of debaucherous damage with these crazy underoos from the International Male folks.
  
• We didn't just talk about International Males, we discussed international and race relations, and vowed to try harder.
  
• We also gave some real talk about sex writing.
  
• More real talk: forgetting there's a tampon in your twat.

• We got to know virgin-hoarding cult leader Michael Travesser and his band of wack jobs.
• We got some LOLs out of douchefessionals John Fitzgerald Page and Paul Janka.
• We said goodbye to our own Jennifer, who is departing for greener Polo pastures. She will be missed!
• This weekend, pour one out for all the white wine drinking, on-the-toilet phone talking, track suit wearing mommas out there. Happy Mothers Day, moms; we love you!

So. Fresh cut, huh? Heh, heh. Would you believe that compared to the rest, this page is tame?

"Good looks you can't help but notice. Ergonomically designed to make the most of what you've got," reads the copy for these styles. The enhancement bikini is good for "creating a noticeable bulge — even through jeans." Blushing yet? I know, I know. This underwear reveals everything. You can practically see their zodiac signs.

Oh, snap! Snaps are awesome! How come all underwear doesn't come with snaps, huh? Can't think of a snappy retort? Anyway: I dare you to imagine every man you see today is wearing one of these items under his clothes. This includes the dudes you work with and people on TV. (Barack Obama? Larry King?)

The web brief (H)is horrifying. Nightmare-inducing, even. But the ring thong is fun, because it kind of looks like the face of a baboon!

Someone got the memo about looking for a few good men.

What's worse? The padded butt briefs, the scoopneck tee, the blue underwear or that guy's haircut? Seriously. I can't decide.

"Dude, those lace-up briefs are hot, but they could be hotter." "Ya think? "Yeah. You need a puka shell necklace. Here." "Thanks." "Score!"

Eenie meenie miney moe, let's say you go to the beach with someone you know: Which of these swimsuits would you rather he wear? If you had to pick one... and your guy's not allowed to wax "down there."

Earlier: Searching For The Worst Outfit In 'International Male'
8 Products From SkyMall You Can Use To Kill Someone

Upon first glance, the orange shirt with pulled-out collar under a white double-breasted jacket is unsavory enough. But look again: Pre-creased jeans and blue suede shoes. Barf bag, anyone?

Squareneck tank and doo-doo brown shorts = Not sexy.

While everything on this page is awful, honorable mention goes to the "Caribbean silk shirt" with laces. Not even Johnny Depp, aka Captain Jack Sparrow, could make that acceptable. Congrats, Dude With Sun-In-Lightened Hair.

"Sleek and modern, suiting gets down to business." Pray tell: Which sort of business calls for an elongated Nehru jacket or a pin-striped leather blazer? Really. Love to know.

Try to decide which color is the worst: Silver, black, or gold. Then get distracted thinking about what would happen if you snagged a fingernail on this shirt.

Sterilize yourself in 2.5 seconds!

The side trimmer, top left, smooths out your love handles, while the one-piece body trimmer below has a panel for your pesky tummy. As for the padded butt brief, well, it should be obvious. Not pictured: The humiliation you'll feel if anyone finds out you own or are wearing one of these items.

Okay, okay, gauze has a casual, comfy, beachy vibe. But gauze overalls? What could be worse?

Never mind.

If you're playing a gangster in a cartoon from the 1930s, this coat is acceptable. Otherwise? No.

This was a hot look once. Marcus Shenkenberg was a hot new male model and Extreme's "More Than Words" was a hot new song on the charts. Those days are over.

Leather overalls? They're just taunting us now.

We have a winner! This has got to be the worst. You probably always wondered where fake vampires shop. (Real vampires would wear Dior.)

[International Male]

Earlier: Urban Outfitters, Free People & Anthropologie: What's The Difference?
Harry, David, Dean & Deluca: Chocolate Pagan Easter Symbols And $6,000 Caviar
Free People: Someone Watched The Darjeeling Limited Before Booking This Photo Shoot
'Wooden Soldier' Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic Duds
Pottery Barn, Anthropologie & West Elm: Bedding Porn For Sleepyheads
Brooks Brothers: This Christmas, WASPs Are Mad For Plaid

The first time I saw an International Male catalog was at the all-girls Virginia boarding school I attended in the 1980s. The cool girls — the ones who owned their own horses and got BMWs for their 16th birthdays, with car-size bows on top — got the catalog in their mailboxes, along with subscriptions to GQ. The uncool girls, if we were lucky, got to peer over their shoulders at pictures of male models in thong bikinis. I found the presentation of male genitalia, packaged and posed and seemingly aroused, totally terrifying. Were they really that long and tuber-like? And were men supposed to stare at you in such a brooding, animal way, their eyes glowering at siesta level, their mouths puckered in baby-doll O's?

New Push-up Thong: Padding hidden inside lifts you up and out. ($23)

Contour Thong: Our famous Contour underwear with a sleek thong back. The V-seam pouch is contoured for a natural look and terrific support. Machine wash. Cotton jersey. Import. ($8)

Gauze Caftan: Think of all the occasions you have to wear such a comfortable piece of clothing: the beach, the pool, Sunday mornings at home, late at night. Oh the comfort. Made from a lightweight and airy cotton gauze. Loose, full sleeves. Deep cut neck. Side slits. ($29)

Times Square Leather Trenchcoat: 120 square feet of soft lamb leather. 56" long. Single-breasted. Banded collar. Silvertone buttons run from collar to waist. Darted/pleated back. 5" long leather cuffs. On-seam pockets. Slightly padded shoulders. 3/4 polyester lining. ($399)

UNDERGEAR® Kensington Denim Vest: Flap pockets, metal buttons down the front. Cotton denim. Machine wash. ($45)

Nude Awakening [NY Times]