According to these press releases, women are supposed to believe all kinds of crazy things, like:


People will like you better if you serve fancy tap water! (Emphasis ours)

Looking for the ideal gift basket companion for the perfect hostess? [BRAND REDACTED] Water, intelligently-chic herbal infused water, has a unique bouquet of flavors with aromatic scents certain to tantalize the senses. The line offers an array of tastes sure to spruce up any party favor.
* Must-have drink mixer for "skinny" cocktails sure to impress party goers
* The culinary herbs accompany any dish in a flavorful harmony
* Flavor your ice-cubes with bursts of delight without the calories
* Brighten up your party favors with an enchanting color scheme of flavors

The jeans you have aren't good enough, because they don't contain cashmere!

I just wanted to tell you about the new [BRAND REDACTED] denim brand that would be great for a new posting about the perfect jeans for the summer. Made with a cashmere blend, these jeans are lightweight, incredibly soft and compliment every woman's figure.

Note: These jeans were priced between $188 and $204.

You need to know about our jeans, because a celebrity wore them!

Kate Beckinsale spotted leaving The Ivy restaurant in London wearing [BRAND REDACTED] skinny jean in Driftwood, a torn-up light wash jean. Anyone interested in a friendly fashion competition, Erin Lucas wore these same jeans from [REDACTED] in New York City in May with a very different style outfit!

Ladies love the outdoors… if you make it luxe! (Emphasis ours)

I would love to send a press kit to introduce you to [REDACTED] located just an hour north of [REDACTED]. We have just launched our unique B&B and event facility and I feel we have captured something very special for [REDACTED]. We lodge our guests in beautiful luxury tents from India. We call it "Glamping" where camping is glamorous and luxury in the wild means fine linens, full bathrooms and gourmet meals!

Lip gloss and body shimmer will change your life and help you please your man!

Nothing steams up a night quite like a seductress transformation. So be sure to bat those eyes and pucker up because this arsenal of beauty must-haves guarantees an earth-shattering night!

Your sex toys should be recycled!

My client [REDACTED] a retired gynecologist and an Israeli company are manufacturing eco friendly adult toys. The first product line of dildos are made from recyled materials so women can be good to the earth and themselves at the same time.

Eat cookies to get thin, just like the stars, who surely do not have personal trainers or chefs!

I thought this would make for a fun story idea, or a great "celeb item." Recently, two of the old and new 90210 stars, Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth were spotted at [NAME REDACTED] Diet Store in Beverly Hills. Shannen and Jennie reportedly were stocking up on their monthly supply of cookies telling people in the store that this is their go-to diet before they begin shoots, parties and especially because beach weather is finally here.

I guess being the "drama teacher" and "guidance councilor" led these two stars to pack on some pounds – which made them strive to get their bodies back to their original Beverly Hills 90210 glory days. If you are a local Beverly Hills resident then you can stop by [REDACTED] store to pick up your own supply of cookies where celebrities like Shannen, Jennie, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Kim & Khloe Kardashian, Ashlee & Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Hudson etc. have been spotted doing the same!

But wait! Stars are fat! Don't be fat like the stars!

Hi Dodai,
Hope you had a good weekend…[BRAND REDACTED] has announced "Biggest Gainers of 2008." While stars around them were cutting back, these five celebs packed on the pounds:
1. Joaquin Phoenix
2. Mariah Carey
3. Oprah Winfrey
4. Matthew Perry
5. Jennifer Love Hewitt
Joaquin Phoenix "walked the line" from gorgeous Golden Globe winner to Hollywood dropout deadbeat, clinging on to the coattails of his A-list friends. Now that he's sworn-off acting, he's sworn-on his refrigerator. Mariah Carey is no longer every man's "fantasy". As a married woman, the average weight gain is 6 pounds a year; soon she'll be crushing Nick Cannon! The Queen of Talk Shows, Oprah Winfrey might be known for her grandiose audience giveaways, but looks like she's keeping all the food for herself. Has Matthew Perry eaten one of his "Friends"? He's kicked some bad habits, but may be replacing the butts for burgers. Party of Five? Jennifer Love Hewitt looked like she was eating for more than one when she was caught by the paparazzi over the summer in her teeny weenie bikini.

Ugh, that one needs to be disemvoweled.

Earlier: The Worst Emails Of The Week
The Worst PR Pitches Of The Week

Today you get to see some of the weird crap people send us. As of right now, I have 2,518 unread messages; these are a few that I have actually opened:

Dear dodai,
We`d like to introduce ourselves as one of major spunlace nonwoven manufacturer in China. Shaoxing Hengsheng New Material Technology Development Co.,Ltd locates in shaoxing city of Zhejiang Province, East of China…

Yes, thank you, now please delete my address. I am too busy for this shit.

Hi Dodai,

Wet®, an international leader in personal lubricants, aromatherapy massage oils and intimacy products, announces the launch of a new product for couples - Wet® together, available this April.

I am trying to eat lunch! But maybe I should forward to Tracie?

Why Are You Still Single, Relationship Questions & More From YourTango.com

Fuck you. Also, I have a boyfriend now. And I did not meet him at that "Man Harvest" you guys threw that I went to with Moe in 2007, which we ended up being a "Boy Blight."

Is there any way you can ban users from using a SPIDER as their icon??

No.

Hi Dodai,

The rumors are true – the last 10 pounds are in fact the hardest to lose! Everyone has been there – started out going on a diet to reach your goal weight and by the time the last 10 pounds roll around it seems almost impossible to shed that last bit of excess weight. Please let me know if you would like to set up a time to speak with Dr. Sanford Siegal about this topic, and I would be happy to arrange.

Is there a way to set up an email filter so that any message with my name and the words "lose 10 pounds" goes immediately into the trash?

HELLO,
I AM REV JASON AND I AM SENDING THIS E-MAIL TO MAKE SOME ENQUIRIES ABOUT SOME (WOOD CHIPPER)THAT I WILL LIKE TO PURCHASE FROM YOUR COMPANY AND I WANT YOU TO E-MAIL ME WITH THE MODELS THAT YOU HAVE INSTOCK AND THEIR PRICES AND I ALSO WANT TO KNOW IF YOU DO ACCEPT CREDIT CARD PAYMENT

BEST REGARDS,

REV. JASON WRIGHT.

Can't help you. But since this is a site for women and you're looking for a wood chipper, I am now picturing the scene from Fargo, so thanks for that.

A note to Chris Matthews; Chris you had better watch who you let on your show, that woman you had on to day, Mechelle Laxalt, is bad news. Look how she snuck to little quip in about Israel, she doesn't have a clue on how to deal with other countries. She one of those people who wants us to back Israel no matter what they do, and that's dangerous. You see what they're trying to do now, take out Iran, and they expect us to blindly follow them. Let me tell you something that you might not want to hear but I'm going to say it anyway they killed Christ and don't want to fess up to it, I'm not a racist just a truth teller. Can you tell me how and when did we become a Jewdeo-Christian society,that's an oximoron, they want you to believe that especially now that they've gangstered the Palestinian off of there land. They want us to continue to give them all of the money and arms they need to take out any country they want to and that they say are threatening them. I'm sending this message out to every body that will listen because they might try to take me out.

"Jewdeo-Christian"? "Oximoron"? "I'm not a racist just a truth teller?" This is kind of epic. Also, this email was sent to "Donna Brazile" with the email address "tips@jezebel.com." Also on the list were Rachel Maddow, Barack Obama, Anderson Cooper and, uh, Jon Stewart.

Dear Dodai:

I don't know if you were aware, but FuzziBunz™ Pocket Diapers recently went through a small renovation of its One-Size Cloth Diaper. It's safer and more comfortable than ever, and we think BabyCouture readers will be excited to learn about the updates.

Guess what? Even though I wrote a post mocking Baby Couture, I don't work for Baby Couture. And I wouldn't work for a magazine that "puts the coo in couture."

Greetings,

I found your address on the web, and thought you might be interested in purchasing an emailing list of Freemasons…

No thanks!

PEREZ HILTON IS A DISEASED DICK SUCKING FAG. ANYONE WHO THINKS GAY MARRIAGE IS OK IS AN ABOMINATION. I WOULD LIKE TO BE A FLY ON THE WALL WHEN Y'ALL ARE ON YOUR DEATHBED AND BEGGING GOD TO FORGIVE YOU. THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON CHRISTIANITY. READ LEVITICUS 18:22 AND 20:13. TO THE MOST OF YOU HYPERCRITES LEVITICUS IS A BOOK IN THE BIBLE. MISS PREJEAN YOU ROCK AND I THINK YOU WILL BE REWARDED FOR STANDING UP FOR YOUR FAITH. THANK YOU CARRIE PREJEAN.

That one was for Megan, I think.

Barry Louis Marx Junior
Kidnap victim of criminals in the united states of america
Aspen, Co

My plight is well documented by the international authorities and yet the national media and federales do nothing to help me escape my kidnapping to protect the many criminals in this nation and their fraud based system, that will collapse once the trillion dollar stimulus runs through its value. So keep the party going a few more minutes, mortgaging the future of the nation, already spent.

What part of kidnapped Royal family do you not understand? What part of distributed Royal genes through all men are created equal communism does not register? Understand the pollution(idol worship, materialism, desecration of the family, etc) and distribution through democracy? What part of fraud based system reliant upon kidnapping to maintain stability and control makes sense?

Why does the media not break the story about my kidnapped family? To protect criminals, conspiratorial collusion to commit frauds and crimes against humanity. Why does such a powerful nation need kidnapping to maintain its position in the world, and why does the media and entertainment need to facilitate crimes to maintain control?

Why is the mob allowed to prosper and flourish while a Royal family is allowed to remain as kidnap victims, and you claim to be responsible economists or frauds, understand Criminalism, the style of economics in the u.s.a. Understand why the dollar long term is a joke?

Allocation of my genes is criminal and illegal no matter what the criminal state of the u.s.a. allows to happen. I am here through duress and held against my will to allow criminals to flourish and help expand the u.s.a. global criminal revolution.

I would like to go back to bed now.

Earlier: The Worst PR Pitches Of The Week