Poor ol' Khaki Pants Pete. He got married, moved to the suburbs, and suddenly lost his manhood. He's also the poor man's Vince Vaughn from Old School, six years after the "old bro" concept was considered hilarious. Bummer!


The object of the game is to get Pete away from his stupid children and naggy wife so he can have some adventures, brah. Nobody can take his manhood away from him! He shall regain it through cliches and Klondike bars, as everyone knows that eating a slab of vanilla ice cream is what testosterone is all about.


D'oh! Look what happens when Pete tries to rock out in his basement: his wife, Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond bitches at him for being too loud. And then she wants to "talk." Chicks, man! Someone get me some foil-wrapped ice cream, bro! I can't even deal!


Ok, here's where things start to get weird. We enter the living room, where we eventually meet Crissy, the 21-year-old babysitter, who doesn't seem to be doing her job. Khaki Pants Pete has several options here: should he talk to her? Let's find out.


Let's not forget to mention that it's the TV he paid for. I mean, you know? Poor Pete. His life is so shitty that he even has to spend money on his own wife and children.


Lifetime movie alert! Things are about to get creepy....or are they?!


Yep, they are. Pete agrees to hang out with "sane, innocent" Crissy, watching some tv show that his dumb wife (what a bitch!) loves.


"Wow, Mr. P, I'm Keri Russell in The Babysitter's Seduction!." Oh, and also? The "P" stands for "Pounder." Pete the Pounder. I'm not making this up.


Oh! I almost forgot: should you avoid watching TV with Crissy, and opt to tell her to go do her job, you lose the game. Why? See the next screen.


Feminism, that's why! Waaah-wahhhhh.

Pete is then summoned by his friend "Party Marty," to attend "Jimbo's" stag. Related: Pete's friends are douchebags.


But you have to drop the hot babysitter off at the sorority house first! What kind of hijinks could possibly ensue?


Pete then decides to stop at the sex shop before dropping the babysitter off. "Good call!" the game declares. You guys, I was torn between saying, "What the fuck" and laughing at this point. What the hell is going on here? What does this have to do with Klondike bars?


You then have two options: leave Crissy outside, or take her into the shop. If you leave her outside, you are congratulated, as poor, "impressionable" 21-year-old adult Chrissy can't handle sexy things.


However, after being spotted by a nosy neighbor, you opt to take Crissy in with you before rumors start swirling. I honestly never thought the question "What would you dooooo for a Klondike bar" would be answered by "I would take my 21-year-old babysitter to Skinema Paradiso on my way to Jimbo's bachelor party," but, welcome to 2009 I guess.


In any case, you end up taking Crissy to her sorority house. But then you learn that you need a girl to come to the club with you! So you try to convince your babysitter to hit up the bachelor party with you. And there's pudding wrestling, which is dumb, because this is viral marketing for ice cream. DESSERT REFERENCE FAIL.


And then, after outsmarting some dude named Rocco, Crissy, once again impressed by a creepy dad she works for, takes you up to her room.


Blah, blah,blah, you outsmart the sorority house mother and end up taking Crissy to the club. Here it is! I will now forever associate Klondike bars with Axe Body Spray. I think Jon Gosselin is in this crowd somewhere, as well.


Of course, you win the puddin' match. Take those bitches down, bro! High-fives and ice cream treats all around.


You then get a text from your nag of a wife. She's sorry she was so bitchy, and she'll make it up to you by "doing that thing" she said she'd never do. You finally have a reason to go back to your stupid, boring, worthless life, Pete. Women are nags and idiots, but they've promised you sex, so hooray!


Finally, you make it back home, where your wife has put on a hot dress and smeared her face in Klondike bar. You're a real winner, Pete. Congrats. Quite the brand ambassador. I'm still not sure what any of this has to do with ice cream, but I guess that's because I'm a naggy impressionable feminist. As for entering the Klondike Man Cave again, I'm not sure I can. As Meatloaf once sang, sort of, "I would do anything for a Klondike bar, but I won't do that. Ever. You jackass."

Play The Adventures Of Khaki Pants Pete [KlondikeManCave]

[Amritsar, India; April 28. Image via Getty]

Young Indian women pose as they eat 'Ice Gola' a handmade ice cream at a roadside stall in Amritsar on April 28, 2009, while seeking relief from the summer heat. Temperatures are already hovering around the 42.4 degree Celsius mark as summer has arrived in the northern Indian plains. AFP PHOTO/NARINDER NANU (Photo credit should read NARINDER NANU/AFP/Getty Images)

• Candie's decided to take a chance on Britney Spears, and her cohort of current fans. The singer is the latest face of the tween-friendly brand. [WWD]

• Hello, viral marketing! There's already a "behind-the-scenes" vid of Ms. Spears shooting looks for the Candie's campaign, but, slightly more interestingly, it includes rehearsal footage featuring Spears in what are presumably those DSquared costumes we just heard about. There's a cool big-shouldered red jacket with swinging black fringe on the epaulettes. [PopSugar]
• Here's some news to make it worth getting up in the morning: Tom Ford, who has said in the past that he wants to do women's wear with his eponymous label, might be re-hiring Alessandra Facchinetti as head designer for the ladies' stuff. Facchinetti was Ford's women's wear point person when he was at Gucci, and she succeeded him when he left the company. But Facchinetti was fired from her position after just two seasons, and she was unceremoniously dumped from her next position, as creative director at Valentino, after just a few months in charge as well. Facchinetti is a talented designer, but maybe it takes Ford to get the best work from her? Let's hope this rumor proves true. [The Cut]
• Uniqlo had its fourth straight month of improving same-store sales, even in the midst of this recession. Same-store sales were up 4.2% in February, mainly on the back of increased patronage, since per-customer sales didn't rise significantly. [WWD]
• Also demonstrating that retail isn't entirely a scorched-earth zone these days, albeit more tentatively, is Claire's. Although their fourth-quarter results are still bad, their same-store sales rose in January and crossed into positive numbers last month. [WWD]
• This month, Forever 21 is launching a new plus-size range, called Faith 21. (The company is run by weird fundamentalist Christians, which pretty much explains the name.) [LA Times]
• Chanel, on the other hand, is closing two of its Japanese stores, and Chopard is having layoffs. [WWD]
• Jennifer Connelly wears Balenciaga in her Revlon ads, shot at Milk studios in New York. In this video, she talks about beauty. [Style.com]
• Freida Pinto might be a pick for an Estée Lauder contract. [WWD]
• Pharrell Williams, whose fashion interests already include Ice Cream and the Billionaire Boys Club, bought an interest in an ecologically sensitive yarn company in December. Which W decided to write about, now. For some reason. [W]
• Marc Jacobs donated a signed iPod to charity and we might as well pretend for the fun of it that his song list offers unexpected insights into his personality. What kind of man mixes Leonard Cohen and Lady Gaga? And then polishes the lot off with "No Scrubs" by TLC? It's fun to imagine Jacobs mouthing, "No, I don't want your number/No, I don't wanna give you mine/I don't wanna meet you nowhere/I don't want none of your time!" while sketching blouses for his collections or something. Oh, and for one last piece of Britney news: her iPod only fetched $801 at auction. [Unbeige]
• The difference between Anna Wintour, who has the dusty feel of a fashion institution these days, and Carine Roitfeld, who gives the impression she just might have a dust rag on or about her person, couldn't be more aptly underscored by the difference in the camera crews they attract. Wintour, editor of American Vogue, is to be the subject of a 60 minutes piece by Morley Safer, who first came to acclaim for his Vietnam coverage. Roitfeld, editor of French Vogue, gets something on CNN Revealed, which will almost certainly be cooler, hipper, and better, since it's cable and Carine and all. [The Cut]
• Katie Grand's Love magazine is either sold out of its 67,000 print run, and therefore fastest-selling debut magazine for Condé Nast UK ever, or it's just a lot of creative hype and there are in fact copies all over the place in Britain, depending on whether you believe Love magazine, or a bunch of anonymous Fashionista commenters. [Fashionista]
• Ever flip through a J. Crew catalog and think, 'Wow! These people clearly are a bunch of insurgent creatives, introducing mad art and design to chinos and pastels.' The impression will only be confirmed by Alex Katz's turn as a model for their spring catalog and in-store displays. Katz, 81 years young, is a Big Deal in American painting. [Unbeige]

• If you are a fan of just regular, missionary sex, go get yourself some vanilla and an imagination.
• If you are slightly more adventurous and like to try out as many positions as possible before collapsing in a sweaty, sticky mess, Ben & Jerry's has a pint of "everything but the..." with your name on it.
• If sex just doesn't feel right until your muscles are strainged from trying out any of a number of porn-tastic positions, try B&J's "Caramel Sutra" instead.
• If you're on the rag but quivering with sexual desire, get yourself some Cherry Garcia and some expensive white sheets.
• If you're one of those women (or men) who just lives to get spooged on at the end, obviously Cold Stone's Cake Batter has your name written all over it.
• If you like to do a little pirate role-playing thing in the bedroom, parrot and peg-leg optional, get some of Häagen Dazs' Rum Raisin. And just pretend that the parrot and the peg leg are optional.
• If you like your men (or women) a little young — but still legal, obviously — get some of Cold Stone's Green Apple Gummy Bear.
• If you can't get enough of men or women (like George Hamilton, John Boehner or Lindsay Lohan) who are perma-tanned orange, and/or have a tanning bed fetish, try out Cold Stone's Orange Dreamsicle.
• If there's nothing you're craving more that a cock up your ass, you should probably get yourself a freshly-packed pint of Chocolate Fudge Brownie at the nearest B&J's location near you.
• But if you're really into asses more generally, they also make a slightly spicy Cinnamon Buns you could try.
• If there's just something about Ron Jeremy that just completely floats your boat, please just go buy a lifetime supply of Chunky Monkey and never tell anyone.
• But if you're hoping that there's just one, big way that Howard Dean resembles Ron Jeremy, get yourself a pint of B&J's Vermonty Python.
• If you get off more on angry sex or break up sex than anything, Häagen Dazs has your Rocky Road waiting at your local supermarket and my therapist has an open slot on Wednesday you can have.
• If you are a lactation festishist, they've got your Dulce de Leche, too, and there's probably going to be a breastfeeding woman somewhere in the supermarket anyway.
• If you just can't stop pestering your lover to do it again and again, B&J makes a S'more ice cream that he would probably just as soon you started eating because shit chafes after a while.
• If you're really into teabagging, Cold Stone has a Macadamia nut flavor that they can definitely add even more nuts to.
• Obviously, if you're more into the three-ways, Neopolitan is the way to go.
• And if you just can't go without a movie star hopped up on amphetamines — even though you're going to have to — grab a pint of B&J's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch and a box of Kleenex for whatever bodily fluids you might excrete from either grief or pleasure.

Pastor’s Advice for Better Marriage: More Sex [NY Times]

Related: Ben & Jerry's Flavor World
Häagen Dazs Ice Cream
Cold Stone Creations

[New York, August 4. Image via Splash]

• Butter Pecan: You have to be different, don't you? Always showing off. Also, when you need nuts in your ice cream, it means you are nuts.
• Chocolate Chip: Chocolate is the best part of the ice cream, but you can't commit to that, can you? You're scared of taking things too far, which is why you always fail. Loser.
• Coffee: If you want coffee, why don't you just order coffee? You're such a fucking diva.
• Double Chocolate Chunk: Ever heard of self-restraint? Gluttony is a sin, you greedy bitch.
• Mint Chocolate Chip: Everything is about you, isn't it. And you're always whining about every little decision. Make up your fucking mind already.
• Rocky Road: This is self-explanatory. Get some therapy.
• Strawberry: No one thinks you're as adorable and pretty as you think you are. No one.
• Vanilla: Even your so-called friends think you're a mind-numbing bore.

• Fergie absolutely does not rap about Candie's shoes because she is paid to rap about Candie's shoes. She only raps about brand names she's not paid to rap about, like Bentleys and Taco Bell. She keeps it real that way. [WWD, 1st item]
  
• Yves Saint Laurent has been hospitalized and is reportedly "not doing well." But he's kind of a hypochondriac so whatevs. [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• Our favorite fashion blogger, Lauren Goldstein Crowe, is not happy. Because she used to be able to get Miu Miu on the cheap, and now, shit is fucking expensive. We get the feeling her press discount might've gone bye-bye. [Portfolio]
  
• England continues to lay down the law when it comes to models: Not only must they be over age 16, but now there can't be any cigarettes or (gasp!) recreational drugs backstage! And blah blah blah they want the girls to weigh more, unionize, go to school, get acupuncture, find spiritual well-being... basically turn them into Mount Holyoke students or something. Yeah, THAT'LL sell clothes. [WWD, sub req'd]

• Badgley Mishka to debut its first-ever swimwear line at Miami Fashion Week. We can't help but conjure up images of intricately beaded maillots... which, frankly, sorta creeps us out. [Vogue UK]
• Listen up boys and girls! Even people who run international ice cream companies can become CEO's of luxury houses one day! [Vogue UK]
• So you know how haute couture means that the garment was hand-sewn and made from a custom pattern for your perfect little body? Um, not so much. [WSJ]