"You can't take the car out of the parking lot until you pay for it." Which is something like why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free or any of the other phrases that reduce women to commodities. Or maybe she's talking about her man?

Obviously, one can admire Laluz and Fabien's commitment, restraint and good intentions. And without a doubt, that first kiss — after waiting so long — was probably amazing. (Laluz called it "magical.") But. Since when is kissing something only a husband and wife can enjoy? What "courtship" is complete with out a makeout session? Doesn't forbidding kissing instantly fetishize it? And what really happens when you endow a kiss, or any other physical affection, with mystical properties, and require your partner "buy" it from you? Don't you feel cheap?

Practicing Abstinence, Bride And Groom Have Never Kissed [Chicago Tribune]
Couple Delays First Kiss Until Wedding [UPI]

According to the Times — and now the Pratts — elopement is back in a big way, the inevitable backlash to the age of the bridezilla and an obvious solution to the economic climate. Says one wedding planner, “Many young people are conscious about not wasting money and concerned about the expense for friends and family.” Of course, the celeb elopement is nothing new — Britney, anyone? Peaches? — and has always been a fitting bookend to the general impermanence of such arrangements. (Not like the big weddings are so stable.) But the confluence is certainly curious.

Interestingly enough, alongside the elopement trend pieces come a spate on "post-nuptial depression." According to the daily Mail:

The expectations of newlyweds are so high, and married life is such a let-down after all the planning and the excitement of the big day that an increasing number of brides are suffering from post-nuptial depression, say American doctors. In fact, the feel-good factor fades so fast that up to 10 per cent of America’s 2.3million couples who marry every year - that’s 230,000 couples - suffer strong enough remorse, sadness or frustration to make them seek professional counselling, said California therapists.

In addition, the fact that a lot of couples cohabitate pre-wedding makes them think they know what it'll be like, and the reality of such a big step can still come as a shock. While the experts speculate that a lot of this letdown comes from unrealistic expectations, at least part of it arises from the inevitable lack of excitement post-festivity when a huge wedding - rather than marriage - has been a goal for a year or more. Writes Jeninne Lee-St. John in Time, "The problem may be that after months consumed by wedding preparations and feeling like the center of attention, the sudden shift back to everyday life can be a shock. 'I put a lot of time and effort into the wedding planning process,' says Erin Hastings, 28, who got married in 2006 after an 18-month engagement. 'Where do you redirect your energy once it's over?'"

In this regard, the elopement trend seems like a very wholesome response to the prevailing wedding pressures —even if its increasing acceptability just serves to make those going whole-hog feel less pressured. Big weddings aren't going anywhere — they bring a lot of people pleasure and are regarded as a necessity by many, even in hard times — but the pressure to have one is definitely abating. And if anyone was going to go whole-hog, wouldn't you think it would be Heidi and Spencer? Whether their elopement indicates a trend has jumped the shark or whether they're in the long line of celeb impulse marriages remains to be seen. But we'd recommend they brace themselves for what've come to be called "The Wedding Blues."

Spencer & Heidi Got Married!!!!!!!!!!! [Perez Hilton]
Like Romeo and Juliet, With a Happier Ever After [NY Times]
Huge Increase In 'Post-Nuptial Depression' As Newlyweds Turn To Therapists For Help With Bridal Blues [Daily Mail]
Postnuptial Depression: What Happens The Day After [Time]

If you feel like you must do white, try this fuzzy gown. Pretty sure that's fur. Subtle!

How about pretty in pink? Or is this too sweet sixteen for your tastes? It is giving me a toothache, actually.

This blue number is a little pirate wench. "Avast me hearties, tis I, Mariah. Touch me body."

Ooh, this is like when Scarlett O'Hara showed up to Ashley's birthday party in a red dress because she was such a hussy. Maybe not the most appropriate dress to get married in.

Hmm, unless your wedding is simultaneously a quinceañera — and who am I to judge? — this does not seem right.

Aww, but look: A Hello Kitty bouqet. Toss it and watch the bridesmaids scatter!

More Hello Kitty Wedding Dresses [Wedding Bells Blog]

And here's something else to think about: What would you think of this stunt if a man were doing it (buying the ad during, say, the Miss America pageant)? Would he seem desperate? Embarrassing? Smart? Romantic? Some of the comments on the Post's site are crude:

"Someone should tell this woman that desperation is not attractive. THAT may be part of her problem."

"Amy: don't ask for my money in order to get married. Spend your own."

"I think she's looking for a guy that doesn't exist and will never exist - the IDEAL man, though she's taking it to an extreme. A good shrink and a dose of humility would help."

"She should spend $500 on a make-over and she could probably get a good guy for free."

It should be noted that Borkowsky is a comedian — her show involves answering machine messages from her mother, which she has been saving for over a decade. So whatever you may think about her, at least she has a sense of humor about herself.

Super Bowl Hail 'Marry' [NY Post]
SuperBowlSingleGirl.com [Amy Borkowsky's Site]

Meanwhile, John and Ann Till financed their honeymoon by gathering and recycling more than 60,000 bottles and cans. 'It did raise a smile when we were in business class on the flight back to Gatwick to think that the litter louts of Petersfield had paid for the pleasure,' says the groom.

As someone dealing with the hassle of planning a wedding under financial duress, I can understand not wanting to compromise. And you have to applaud this kind of crafty thrift. That said, were I that enterprising I would be a)probably better able to afford a wedding in the first place and b)probably put the spoils towards buying an apartment or something. I'm firmly on record in my belief that wedding-bashing is an easy past-time that should really fall under the banner of "personal choice." And who can begrudge anyone the big day they want, especially when they put this much blood, sweat and tears into achieving it? After all, these folks are not tossing around hundreds of thousands of dollars or browbeating a hapless wedding planner.

What's odd about it, though, is it's exactly as though they had: they're essentially doing a DIY dream wedding such as those dreamed up, promoted and pressured by the Wedding Industry. Whereas normally one thinks of a homemade, labor-driven wedding as being a homey, idiosyncratic, pitch-in and somewhat unpolished affair, this one from the description sounds like a wedding-planner's dream. The need for all the trappings is still there - the illusion of status while apparently taking an understandable and vocal pride in the very hard work that achieved it. The irony of the situation - triumph or defeat for the Wedding Industry? - is nothing if not thought-provoking.

Philosophical qualms aside, these couples' inventiveness is, in a sense, inspirational to those of us resigned to city hall. Whereas I'm guessing no one wants me writing epigrams or impersonating Lotte Lenya in return for free champagne, reading this actually in a weird way did make me feel way better about the makeshift affair we've envisioned. More to the point, with all the theoretical stupid recession advice we're being inundated with - Today had a whole segment on bartering, renting and borrowing today - it's encouraging to see the can-do in action. That said, Recycling can have my cans; I'd rather staycation, thanks.

Couple Recycle Tonnes of Litter for Honeymoon[Metro]
Dan and Gemma Scott Saved Thousands of Pounds on Their Wedding by Bartering[Telegraph]

The "Don'ts": Don't become your boyfriend's therapist; don't get friends to lobby on your behalf; don't withhold sex to teach him a lesson; don't go public with your desire to get hitched; and don't have an emotional breakdown at a wedding. The "Dos": Talk about expectations (duh?); spend time with happily married couples; remove the "barrier" keeping him from proposing (like if he says he can't afford the ring, tell him you don't need one); create some dependency; and, of course, issue an ultimatum. No, really. Uscher-Pines says: "An ultimatum isn't manipulative if you think about it." Um: Bullshit.

The whole fucking thing is manipulative. This part:

"Get him to depend on you a little bit," she says, "and then show him what life is like without this benefit." Cook him a gourmet meal every night and then stop. Pay bills and then stop. Get his car inspected and then stop.

is so insane! Does this make you someone a guy wants to marry? Or an inconsistent bitch? And as for "initiating a major life change," like saying that you want to go to grad school or move to a new city — sure, it's supposed to jolt the guy into realizing how much he cares about you and make him suddenly want to pop the question. But what kind of person are you if you make up some life-changing event you have no intention of following through with, just to get married? (Uscher-Pines claims: "It's just saying, 'This is what I'm going to do. So what are you going to do about it?'")

And here's the ultimate manipulation: Selling women a book that promises to "get" men to marry them. Why can't the woman ask the man to marry her (and ditch him if he doesn't want to tie the knot)? How come one of the things on the "Do" list isn't "realize that having a ring on your finger isn't necessarily something you should be wasting energy on or swindling someone into" ?

Make Your Moove [NY Post]

Okay, I should back up here and admit that when I say "wedding" I'm not exactly Modern Bride-ing it up here. Being broke takes care of that, and my parents eloped themselves. By "wedding" I mean a few kegs of PBR and some friends playing old timey music in a warehouse. So, no, it kind of has nothing to do with the tulle-fests these books and this blogger are critiquing. But I guess that's kind of my point: sometimes it seems like "wedding" has become a dirty word, inseparable from the consumer-driven mayhem that is "the wedding industry." Yes, pressure to shell out for chafing dishes and rented chairs and satin pillows for some terrified toddler to tote down an elaborately-decorated aisle sucks. But I like to think that not everyone who chooses (again, chooses ) to celebrate in a more elaborate and traditional way can do so without it overshadowing the point of the wedding or without turning into some kind of white-gowned cartoon virago with dollar signs in her eyes.

And sometimes it seems like weddings are becoming the new "50s suburbia" — easy to mock and stereotype and shorthand for a certain shallow sort of evil banality that's the antithesis of intellectual rigor. Yeah, the women on Bridezillas are out of control — so are 90% of the people on reality TV. But I can honestly say that I've never felt the slightest societal pressure to do anything I didn't want to do, and while I'm probably fortunate in my friends and family in this regard, I think this truly is an age of options: to stay single, to stay coupled, to marry, and none of this should require justification. Forgive me my rant, friends, but I do feel that, ironically, this whole anti-wedding backlash is starting to undermine my sense of choice as surely as does the pressure to wear white. And to paraphrase a recent Brizezilla, "I'm the one getting married so everyone has to listen to me!"

Marrying Type [The Smart Set]

Writes Miriam Pérez on the ACLU's Blog Of Rights:

Marriage isn’t my golden ticket. Marriage isn’t my golden ticket unless I’m lucky enough (or even want) a long-term monogamous partnership. It isn’t my golden ticket unless I have a job or a partner with healthcare benefits. It isn’t my golden ticket unless I have an inheritance to worry about, or a pension to be concerned with… A movement so focused on marriage is not a movement that represents my activism and interests… my vision of social justice focuses on putting the needs of the most marginalized members of our community at the center of our organizing. The current marriage-focused movement fails to do this.

As a Feministing commenter notes, the commercial "is directly targeted at the 8 to 10 percent of undecided California voters. It is not for people who have already decided to vote No on prop 8, who are likely the same people who will question traditional wedding customs and what is a proper marriage. This ad basically makes the marriage proposition one about fairness and equality." But when it comes to fairness and equality, is marriage the biggest issue we have in this country? And does the commercial really send the right message? Another commenter writes: "I would rather see an ad that queered marriage than one that shows a rich, white couple getting married and suggests that everyone else should 'be able to be like them' as if it's the goal that everyone should aspire to."

Mega-Huge White Weddings For All! [Feministing]
Miriam Pérez: Marriage Isn’t My Golden Ticket [ACLU]

Of course, Ms. Fein had to stay true to the guidelines she prescribed for millions of women, so she didn't dare approach Mr. Houpt. She says: "I would never have initiated it, never in my life. Forget it. He’s got to like me as much as I like myself." As much as your ex-husband did? Okay, that's mean. But is Ms. Fein to be commended for sticking to her "let the dude chase you" guns? When she's got one failed marriage under her belt already?

The problem with playing little games like "don't call him, let him call you," is that while they may attract the type of guy who loves the chase — don't you have to spend your life running away? What is wrong with going with your gut and acting on instinct? Sometimes you'll fuck up, but you'll learn a lesson, and you won't have a random best-seller to blame or thank — you'll learn to rely on yourself.

The Times oh-so-helpfully points out that Ms. Fein once said, "It is easier to stay married than to get married." Haha! Looks like both are quite a challenge. Hopefully Mr. Houpt, a 52-year-old entrepreneur, is Ms. Fein's Mr. Right. Maybe she didn't trick him into liking her. After all, even though Ms. Fein wrote The Rules, she also says: "You just need to have faith that your time will come. Everything is meant to be.”

Vows: Ellen Fein and Lance Houpt [New York Times]

Beyond fetishizing nuptials, the incorrect assumption that all women love weddings and the subservient role of wedding panning, this game is more annoying than fun. First of all, it plays Pachelbel's "Canon in D" incessantly, like you're in some endless bridal nightmare. Second of all, some of the shit you have to do makes no sense. The first challenge: "Find hidden items at Jenny's engagement party: Help Jenny get ready for the party by picking up items around the room." It's kind of like Where's Waldo or any other search game: There's a checklist and a bunch of illustrated crap lying around, and you have to check things off the list: Pepper! Jar of pennies! Doughnut! Fireworks! Wait, what? After that was a Concentration- type game requiring you to turn over cards and match presents to each other based on wrapping paper. Fun? No, not really. And certainly not a wedding planning skill. And apparently, it gets worse: Writes Saltzman:

Every few levels you will solve adventure game-like puzzles: in the bride's bathroom, for example, you'll click to open the shower curtain and see a magazine you need to read, but it's too wet. So you'll pick up the hair dryer and use it on the magazine. Now you can open the magazine and you turn to a page with a photo of a light fixture that matches one in the bathroom. When you click on the light, it's too hot to touch, so you must turn off the light (the switch is behind a hanging pink robe) and after removing the light fixture you see something hidden behind it, but your hands are too big — tweezers are needed to retrieve the note.

Gah! That's not a dream wedding, that's like a shitty Monday. It's insulting, frustrating and pointless — qualities I don't look for in a video game.

'Dream Day Wedding' Sequel Sticks To Winning Formula [USA Today]

Dream Day Wedding [Shockwave]

Marshall writes: "If you marry later, you are more likely to bring old baggage into your relationship." He also believes that people who get married later have higher expectations and that if you get married in your late thirties, there's "the need to start a family almost immediately."

Pair this with Ms. Marsh writing

"There’s a myth being perpetuated that being single is great! The loneliness, the effort, that musty smell in your flat because you spend far too much time in it, the fact that children think you’re weird – that’s all in your mind. A fabrication. You’re not bored, you just think you’re bored because being single is fabulous!"

and you've got a terrible recipe, part of the ubiquitous propaganda designed to make us believe that GETTING MARRIED WILL SAVE OUR LIVES. Never has there been a more insidious campaign against women. How long has this idea been pushed? The one that insists you're sad and desperate if you're single, so you'd better find yourself a man right away? And how come 36% of marriages in America among 20-24 year old women end in divorce?

I refuse, refuse to believe that for every woman, the person you fall in love with in your early twenties is the one you should spend your life with. Refuse! There are some rare, special people for whom this may be true but it makes no sense as a fast rule. In your twenties, you're still growing, learning, discovering your identity. Plus, I think that being single and living alone is one of the most amazing things a woman can do for herself. The sense of ownership and control you have over your own home — your own space, where you make executive decisions and are the CEO, creative director and janitor — can be a valuable part of learning who you truly are and what you truly want. As Abby O'Reilly wrote on The F Word in response to Ms. Marsh's piece, "The vast majority of my female friends are single, and they lead active, full, interesting and sexually fulfilling lives… They do not sit in musty flats in dirty underwear waiting for some handsome night to turn up and whisk them away to a world of perfectly mowed lawns, home baking and picket fences." How come it is so hard to let go of the idea that a woman is at her best when she's with a man?

Why It's Best To Marry In Your Twenties, Why It's Rubbish Being Single [Times]
Slating the singles. Again… [The F Word]

The BBC talks to Patrick Boyle, who is getting married later this year. Only close family members will be allowed to bring kids, because Boyle doesn't want his wedding to "resemble Disneyland." Plus: "Catering firms still charge for kids meals as much as adults." On the other end of the spectrum is Rhonda Williams, who refused to attend the wedding of a close friend. "The invitation said 'absolutely no children,'" she says. "It was quite aggressive and there was no explanation. So immediately we were slightly put on the defensive about it."

On one hand, a wedding is inherently self-absorbed: It's your day! With your music, your favorite cake, your huge dress and posse of bridesmaids. And these days, you're probably paying for it, too. So of course you can ban kids if you want! On the other hand: Is it mean? Cruel, even, to assume that people will attend your nuptials, buy you a gift and hire a babysitter? Isn't a wedding ultimately about family and unity and inclusiveness, not exclusivity?

Should Children Be Banned From Weddings? [BBC News]

"Next time you tear up watching a beaming father walk his little girl down the aisle, remember that it’s just a tiny, barbaric little holdover from the days when daughters were nothing but dollar signs to daddy dearest," writes Jenn Thompson. "And that veil she’s wearing? Yeah, that was so the groom wouldn’t know if he was stuck with an uggo until it was time to kiss the bride and too late to back out on the transaction." Heartwarming! But here's the real question. Have these acts become divorced from their original meanings in a thoroughly modern world? I probably want my dad to walk me down the aisle when I get married, not because I think he owns me or because my husband-to-be is my "master", but because I really love my dad and I think it would be sweet to show our affection and connection in that ceremonial context.

If thinking about the patriarchy's influence on your beloved traditions has got you down, Thompson also describes some weird wedding laws that might cheer you up. My favorite is this one from Montana, which states that a couple can get married without even having to show up to court. "This miracle marriage is done by way of a 'double proxy' ceremony. Particularly popular with soldiers deployed overseas who wish to get married without coming home on leave, this type of marriage is arranged through a lawyer, who then hires two proxies (anyone with a free afternoon and a desire for some extra cash) to come sit before the judge, recite the vows and sign the marriage license on behalf of the absent bride and groom." Or, as Thompson points out, this kind of thing would be fantastic for the extremely lazy. Just picture it: you and your dude (or your lady), sitting on the couch in some nice A/C, wearing your skivvies, and getting married while watching Judge Judy.

The Bizarre Origins of 8 Wedding Traditions[Mental Floss]
Weird Wedding Laws Still on the Books [Mental Floss]

Earlier:Dude Says Diamonds Are "Profoundly Anti-Feminist," And Not Just Because He Can't Afford One [Jezebel]

I thought maybe this "wedding loan trend" was something Strain came up with because he was under, erm, STRAIN to find a topic to write about, but then I Googled it and found that totally respectable lending institutions offer wedding loans for the financially foolish. But there's another way to finance your wedding without going through all the red tape of a bank loan! Take this email we received yesterday from a PR company:

Subject: STORY IDEA-Brides Want Cash, Not Blenders
In this poor economy, brides need cash to help pay for their weddings and honeymoons rather than blenders they'll have no use for. I can offer an interview with a bride who turned their bridal gift registry into a money market.

Wedding Loans: Till Death Do You Owe [The Street]
Industrial Output Plunges in April [AP via NYT]

Talaq lacks any significant 'due process' for the wife, its use, moreover, directly deprives the wife of the 'due process' she is entitled to when she initiates divorce litigation in this state.

None of those women are Farah, by the way. But they are a way to show happy women from another country not looking oppressed. Farah told reporters by phone that she's "ecstatic" at the ruling.

We all know the rhyme: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. But is such thinking just terribly old-fashioned? Does anybody care what order you do things in anymore?

Celebrities may not be proper role models, but you can't deny — from Johnny Depp to Halle Berry to Nicole and Joel — these days, cohabitation and kids without a marriage license is par for the course. While Ms. Widdecombe might also think children out of wedlock "sad," is the concept that there must be a marriage before a pregnancy just antiquated?

Pregnant Brides Now Have Their Own Shop [Telegraph]

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Dave is a fan of Job. He has trained himself to feel thankful for truly pathetic things, such as: "She's been more thankful about more things than I would have been. Sometimes I'll be curt with her, and she'll thank me. How bad is that on your conscience?"

It is an illness that can have a very long trajectory: 10 to 20 years is the estimated life-span after diagnosis, but there is no way to know. The better care Dave takes of Diana — and he takes very good care of her — the longer she will live. The longer she lives, the longer he has to live like this: Waking in the night to take Diana to the toilet or settle her after an anxiety episode. Getting up early to prepare her medications and make her breakfast, then rushing home from work to fix them both dinner. Feeding Diana, cleaning Diana, hoisting Diana up and down the stairs. Never taking vacations. Going to weddings and other events by himself. Sleeping alone. And sleeping little.

The Vow [Washington Post Magazine]

Online Chat Transcript with Dave Kendall [Washington Post]

In some cultures, a marriage is a transfer of property. Sometimes there's a procession, an elephant, a woman being carried on a litter. But in the Western world, you used to just say your vows in front of a religious dude and call it a night. No six months of preparation for one day. How long is a wedding "day," these days, anyway? Twenty-four hours? A weekend? Oh, you say, but the pictures! Are forever! But look at old wedding photos of your Grandma (or your great aunt Blanche, or anyone before, say, World War II.) Doesn't she look beautiful? Chances are, it wasn't because she went into debt buying a Vera Wang dress, rare orchids and "buff bride" boxing lessons. It was because she was in love. What is the point of forcing one day to be "perfect" and unnaturally polished? What does the perfect wedding really look like? Shouldn't it just a day on which everyone is just damn happy to be there?

The Incredible Shrinking Bride [Newsweek]

[Random 1947 non-famous people wedding photo via Fashion-Era.com]

"The activity can be as simple as trying a new restaurant," Tara Parker-Pope writes, "The theory is based on brain science. New experiences activate the brain's reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine. These are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love, a time of exhilaration and obsessive thoughts about a new partner."

All this pop science is well and good, but if you're so stuck in a rut that going to a new restaurant is progress, you've got bigger problems than a dopamine deficit in your brain. I'm guessing that you also have a penis deficit. In your vagina.

Reinventing Date Night For Long-Married Couples [New York Times]

Okay, so far be it from us to dispute a self-help manifesto constructed on the basis of possible alternate conclusions to popular television series, but what's author Lori Gottlieb smoking? Well, she had a kid with an anonymous sperm donor and is 40 and really fucking lonely. Her looks have faded and the men she broke up with in her thirties because they were short/boring/rude to waiters/physically unattractive are looking real good around now. It's sort of refreshing how honest she is, even though hers are thoughts any 28-year-old has already probably had in advance. But then you hit a sentiment like this:

After all, wouldn't it have been wiser to settle for a higher caliber of "not Mr. Right" while my marital value was at its peak?

At which point you google her, learn that she not only wrote a memoir about how she's a recovering anorexic but now has an author bio page on her website on which all the photos of herself feature her in super "skinny" poses.

See? She's ana. A perfectionist, a number-cruncher, a quantitatively-minded overachiever obsessed with stats. Of course she never managed to find someone to "settle" on before! She's incapable of settling! It's like giving up. Like eating carbs.

Anyway, apologies to Lori, but it was kind of a relief to learn that, at the very least, her problems are different from mine, and probably yours, too. Now leave the office and go get drunkenly knocked up by some stranger before you end up like her!

Marry Him [Atlantic Monthly]

Here's why: According to Kira Birditt, a research fellow at the university's Institute for Social Research, older people are less likely to report having conflicts (they also tend to "deal" with issues by avoiding confrontation and discussion altogether; apparently, the senior-citizen solution to an irritating spouse is to simply ignore him!). But there is a silver lining of sorts in all this: Not only is negativity normal, it can be a sign of emotional closeness. Explains Birditt: "It's possible that negativity is a normal aspect of close relationships that include a great deal of daily contact." So the next time your man is up in your grill, squawking along to Top-40 radio, just remember: It's true love! And if that doesn't help, fantasizing about Adrien Brody or ponies always works for me.

*Mine did just that this morning, but so far, we're still together.

Your Marriage Is Going To Get Worse, Study Says [MSNBC]
Seeing Our Spouses More Negatively Might Be A Positive [EurekAlert]

But back to happy marriages: According to Time, "A 2006 paper that tracked mortality over an eight-year period found that people who never married were 58% likelier to die during that time than married folks were. Married people have lower rates of all types of mental illnesses and suicide." What's more, James Coan, a neuroscientist from the University of Virginia, says that a husband is just as good as Advil.

Coan and his colleagues conducted an experiment in which married women underwent brain scans using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). During the scans, the women were told they were going to receive a painful electric shock. The researchers then watched to see how the subjects' brains responded to the threat and found that among happily married women, hypothalamus activity declined sharply if husbands held their wives' hands during the experiment. Women who reported being less satisfied with their marriage—and women whose hands were held by strangers—got little such relief ... "This suggests," he says, "that your spouse may function as an analgesic."

Marry Me [Time]
Sorry, But Marriage And Sex DON'T Go Together [Daily Mail]
Wildly In Love [Time]

Related: One Is The Loveliest Number [Salon]

It will not surprise you to find out that the optimal area, marked with the letter A — is when the bride is between 23 and 29 and the groom is between 25 and 34. But not to worry! If you're slightly older, you may fall in the L section: "Good prospect, although they waited too long."


Britney Spears was 23 and Kevin Federline was 26 when they wed, putting them right in the A for "ideal" zone! Meanwhile, Tom Cruise was 44 when he married 27 year old "Kate" Holmes, landing the couple in the area marked K: "May succeed if otherwise unusually well matched." Eva Longoria, 32, tied the knot with Tony Parker, 25, and occupies the T zone: "May succeed if otherwise adapted." Catherine Zeta-Jones married Michael Douglas when she was 31 and he was 56 and we think that's a K, "May succeed." The ages only go as high as 50, so Kevin Costner and Larry King are literally off the charts!

In any case, you probably knew this already but it's worth repeating: If you're a woman over 33, you're fucked. Guys have until they're 38. Happy trails!

YOUR CHANCES FOR HAPPINESS
Here is the key: A—Ideal. B—Not so ideal; if in doubt wait year or two. C—Risky; wait a few years. D—Very dangerous; both far too young. E—Exceedingly dangerous; wait. F—Divorce probable. G—A little less hazardous than F. H—Girl far too young; foolhardy unless otherwise excellently suited. I—Good chance if otherwise well mated. J—Suffering and divorce likely. K—May succeed if otherwise unusually well matched. L—Good prospect, although they waited too long. M—Fair chance. N—Hardly a chance. O—Both far too young; wait at least four years. P—Man too young; wait year or two. Q—Good chance. R—Very slim chance. S—Slim chance. T—May succeed if otherwise adapted. U—Age difference too great; almost hopeless. V—A little less hopeless than U. In every case, white area is safest; dark, most hazardous

Chart Tells When To Marry [Modern Mechanix]

Anyway, on the one hand, isn't it kind of wonderful that finding a partner means settling into a comfort zone where 30 pounds means nothing? On the other hand, what's with all the single people keeping their weight down, just until they meet someone they can get chubby with? And if you're already carrying a little extra weight, would you rather stay single than get married knowing you're just going to get heavier?

Gain A Spouse And You'll Likely Gain Some Pounds, Too [USA Today]