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posts about #isecondthatemotion more → 
Stinking Thinking
New York, 7:28 AM
Thu Nov 12
67 posts in the last 24 hours
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Stinking Thinking |
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12/04/08
I want someone who is first, herself, and expect her to desire the same of me. If we cannot be ourselves, what have we to offer another?
12/03/08
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12/03/08
Guess what? Relationships are work. I don't think if you're like this you're "bad" at realtionships. It's all about self-awareness and awareness of your partner. And sometimes it's hard, but that's what commitment is about.
12/03/08
jebus
fine! fine! ad the acronym to my ever growing list of
"issues"....where is my DSM-IV-TR
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12/03/08
I couldn't sleep last night because my friend is breaking up with his girlfriend and I feel badly for him.
12/03/08
Le sigh.
12/04/08
12/04/08
I wish your friend's dad and family the best, because that situation is totally shitty.
12/03/08
I'm generally fine with being single, but lately, it's been wearing me down, and I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me.
I know this is not the Jez-approved attitude toward relationships, but I can't be the only one who feels like this sometimes.
I think I just talked myself into raising my hand. Yep, it's up there.
12/03/08
Sometimes it's just nice to come home and know there's someone to cuddle up with.
12/03/08
12/03/08
I blame NYC for my dating woes (been on lots, liked a few of them, always get dumped, can't figure out why). But I'm not really sure that's it.
12/03/08
My last relationship ended a little more than a year a ago and since then...nada, zilch, nothing. And it does wear on you after a while. I'm torn though, part of me wants to be in a relationship, but part of me is also happy that I don't have to put up with someone else's bullshit. Which side I'm on really just depends on the day.
But plus side: I've saved a lot not having to buy birth control and condoms. And I haven't argued with anyone in a year.
12/03/08
I still don't see what he saw in me that, thus far, no one else has.
Sometimes I hate myself for thinking that 'Well, if someone wanted to have sex with me, I'd be more valuable as a person!"
I do have two cats, though. But no friends in this town. None. Whatsoever. Been here a while, too.
I don't go to church, either. Which is a negative 'round here.
12/03/08
12/03/08
1. You can decorate your apartment any way you like it, even if... nay, ESPECIALLY if that involves your clothing on the floor;
2. You don't have someone bitching at you for wanting a damn glass of wine after work;
3. No one is eating the amazing leftovers you were planning to take to work the next day;
4. Et cetera.
I know it probably doesn't help. But... I'm kind of envious of single Jezzies on here, as I'm seriously thinking about ending things, and there's no way I can afford to move out.
12/03/08
12/03/08
1. You can decorate your apartment any way you like it, even if... nay, ESPECIALLY if that involves your clothing on the floor;
2. You don't have someone bitching at you for wanting a damn glass of wine after work;
3. No one is eating the amazing leftovers you were planning to take to work the next day;
YOU ARE ME. I am convinced of this. We are the same people.
12/03/08
And I totally agree with @hellodarling! that all those benefits-of-being-single are fantastic, but I worry sometimes that I won't be able to function in a LTR because I'm so used to being by myself. I mean, myself and I, we have lots of fun, but I think there must be some others out there that would appreciate us, too.
12/03/08
perhaps the better question is how these people in relationships ha dgood models of what a healthy relationship involves. it would be great if people spoke like psychologists would like them to speak every day, but we're not robots, we're human. if problems come up, how are they dealt with? not all fighting is 'good ' fighting, but when is it ever? people are human and emotional and make mistakes and don't always edit what they say. let's lower the expectations a little.
@littlemissvan: i'm over 35 with a big bday coming up, single, childless, never been married, never even been engaged, and i've kind of stopped the online dating thing. every single bloody person i know is either in an LTR, or has a kid, or is married, or is married and has a kid. as lonely as it can get sometimes, i take solace in knowing that if i have to get the hell out of dodge, i can do it whenever i want and go wherever i want.
12/03/08
Every time I read one of your posts about your breakup, apartment, etc., I'm also totally convinced that we are one in the same. And I even have red hair now!
12/03/08
But I know what you mean. Apparently NYC can be kind of a hellhole for dating though. I choose to believe it's just like How I Met Your Mother and adorable Ted Mosby is right around the corner!
12/03/08
I've been single since January and it's been a bit hard, since all of my friends are either dating or have a friends with benefits relationship. I feel a bit left out of the loop, plus having someone to be with for the holidays makes it so much more fun and meaningful.
But ever since I was with my ex, I realized that I put too much of my self-worth on the relationship. It felt like I had to have a successful relationship to prove to my mom that I AM mature enough to be with men. Obviously it didn't work out and now my own mother reminds me of it when she gets a chance.
She told me she doesn't want me "getting hurt" or "raped", so she ends up banning me from hanging out with guys casually while by myself; they would have to ask me out on a date for her to allow it.
But since going through that stuff, I've decided I'm going to make sure I'm self-sufficient enough to know that I CAN have a healthy relationship and not rely on a man for validation.
Every straight woman should be told and know that they can WANT a man, but they certainly don't NEED a man. And they should maintain their own identities throughout the relationship and not succumb to mold to his or her standards.
12/03/08
I'm fucked up!
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12/03/08
Or, I take that back. It happened when I was 16 and dating a guy who used me as his sole emotional support when he really needed to just get some therapy. I'd like to think I learned from that situation but really I just have no patience for people who try to push their emotions on another person.
12/03/08
I can't help but wonder, though, whether my marriage would be better now if I hadn't had my heart stomped at sixteen. I wish I could say he's my best friend, but he's not.
12/03/08
You can depend on the people you love, but if they're upset about something, I think you should be able to tell when it's not directed at you.
12/03/08
12/03/08
So well put, you. I've been married 14 years today, and I think you just nailed my biggest hurdle over all this time. Making each other happy is key. Knowing when you are and are not the cause of unhappiness is also key.
12/03/08
Me, I had to really learn to differentiate what I was feeling from what I was relating to when someone else is feeling something.
I was raised by a dry alcoholic who was always on the verge of a moodswing, and I /always/ feel responsible when someone I'm close to is sad/mad/grumpy.
12/03/08
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12/03/08
We had had good times for so long, but I was a changing and growing person and I just couldn't be crammed together/codependent with another person like that anymore. I felt like I was throwing a lot away, and that hurt, but I knew I had to move on. It wasn't like we were symbionts or anything, but it was just too much.
He hasn't spoken to me since the day I moved out, which was almost four months ago to this day. I know I really hurt him, which still kind of kills me to this day. I hope he's okay.
12/03/08
I'm sitting here 6 years later, still without an LTR since that one and going, "Damn, was it really THAT bad?" You remind me that no, it wasn't that bad, but no, I couldn't have stayed.
12/03/08
1) *hug*
2) It may have hurt, but I think it would have hurt more if you'd stayed and had the relationship deteriorate.
3) The pain never goes away completely, but it has its uses, a kind of internal idiot light to make you stop and think as you go through life. I think we have to learn to use our pain, instead of letting it rule us.
12/03/08
Of course we do -- our relationships are important to us. We want them to be as strong as the ones we have (or never had) with our parents. We invest a lot of time and effort in them. We want others to love us forever, unconditionally. And it hurts when things don't go quite the way we want them to. My god, that's the story of every relationship I've ever had!
BTW, that illustration is tugging at my heart-strings.
12/03/08
I think the idea that any dependency on anyone else to affect yr emotional state is automatically CO-dependency is crazy. People need people, to varying degrees.
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12/03/08
I think, in essence, the idea is simply that not everything is about you or a reflection on your worth in the relationship but some people have trouble making those distinctions, thus depression and anxiety.
12/03/08
Now, if you're empathizing with someone to the point where you stop having independent thoughts, that's getting to be problematic.
12/03/08
But really, I always feel like I place too much on relationships. I always think, "hey a guy wants me and loves me and fills my weekends, I'm OK." I think that's terrible, but it's how I feel.
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