• Rihanna made fun of Tila Tequila on a radio show, so naturally, Tila's only option was to claim that Rihanna has herpes and declare that she's now on "Team Chris."

• In a long rant on her website, Tila wrote: "Since you're still cascading around town like you're a prefect little princess, angel…..honey I hate to burst your bubbles…..but yes….yo shit really do stink, and even worse…..yo shit has STD's, known as HERPES, down in your private area." She added, "NOTE TO CHRIS BROWN: I honestly think that you have paid your dues, and I'm definitely on TEAM CHRIS NOW! GO CHRIS! YOU CAN MAKE YOUR COMEBACK AND I FULLY SUPPORT YOU! You have admitted to what you did, and apologized numerous times, You have learned from your mistakes and I think people should really leave that in the past now and let you do your thing." It's an even classier move when you consider that Tila is suing Shawne Merriman over an alleged domestic violence incident. [ONTD]
• Four photos have surfaced of Tiger Woods' alleged mistress Jaimee Grubbs wearing only a thong. She took the photos herself with a cell phone in a bathroom mirror. [Radar Online]
• Jaimee Grubbs' ex-boyfriend Richard Palermo claims, "Jaimee sent naked pictures to me. She has an iPhone so she just takes them and emails them to me. She sent them to me roughly three months ago." There's a description of what she's doing in the pictures here, if you must know: [Radar Online]
• Perez Hilton claims that people are shopping nude pictures of Rachel Uchitel taken on a cell phone. He probably got her confused with Tiger's other mistress, though there being two sets of nude cell phone pics isn't all that unlikely. [Perez Hilton]
• Rachel Uchitel told friends she did drugs with Tiger Woods before they had sex. A source calims Rachel told her, "You know you have crazier sex on Ambien - you get into that Ambien haze. We have crazy Ambien sex." [Radar Online]
• Hugh Hefner weighed in on the Tiger Woods scandal saying, "I think the only surprise in it, quite frankly, is that anybody would be surprised... If you're a good-looking guy and young and healthy, the notion that there would be something else going on, well, marriage is just a convenience. It's very nice for raising kids, but the notion that monogamy lasts forever is a wish!" Thanks, Hef. [E!]
• Jake Gyllenhaal referred to Reese Witherspoon as his girlfriend in an interview, sending all the tabloid reporters that insisted they had split up into a tizzy. "I've learned so much from the kids in my life, and somehow they just become the center of your life and the way you look at things," said Jake. "Obviously I exist in my girlfriend's world and my sister's world in a different way, but it's opened my heart and I feel much more grown up and want to be grown up as a result of it." [People]
• Tom Brokaw was involved in a fatal 3-car accident in New York today. Tom and his wife Meredith released a statement describing the crash that said: "Neither Tom nor Meredith were injured but tragically the driver of the SUV was thrown from her vehicle and killed. Tom and Meredith are greatly saddened by this loss of life." [TMZ]
• Rosie O'Donnell says she contacted Meredith Baxter after she came out earlier this week. "She's 62. She's the same age as Kelli's mother. When you think of that, that somebody at Kelli's mother's age came out... you know, that's big," said Rosie. "Good for her, man. Live your truth... Go in peace. It's not that hard. Fight the fear. Life in fear everyone's gonna find out you're gay... Have faith. Tell people it's going to be all right. The truth is the only way through." [Extra]
• A woman tried to serve Jennifer Aniston with papers requiring her to testify in a sexual harassment case against a Hollywood agent who has been accused of walking around naked in front of his former assistant and showing her woman-on-horse porn. Jen didn't take the document so the woman left it on her windshield and her bodyguards picked it up, which lawyers say still counts. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston's yoga instructor Mandy Ingber declared that her client has the perfect body. "Women look to her as the perfect blend," said Ingber. "She's very natural. Who has a better body than Jennifer Aniston?" [Extra]
• Though Star claimed the cops came to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's house in L.A. to break up their "worst fight ever," the police were actually responding to their burglar alarm accidentally going off. "We went out and checked to make sure it's a false alarm, and if it's false, we leave. That's basic protocol. That one was a real basic false alarm," says LAPD Sgt. Kyle Kirkman. [Us]
• A source insists the reports that Lindsay Lohan hooked up with Cash Warren, Jessica Alba's husband, are "totally untrue... the rumors are hurtful but they're just so ridiculous." [People]
• Miley Cyrus got a new tattoo of the words "Just Breathe" under her left boob. [Daily Mail]
• Newlyweds Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom got into a fight at a L.A. restaurant. "Lamar caused a huge scene," said a source. "He got jealous because Khloe was texting at the table and he yelled at her to quit it. She refused, so he stormed off and sat alone at the bar. Khloe just ignored him." Khloe's friend was running back and forth between the two of them trying to make peace "but Lamar kept just saying 'I'm not talking to her. Let her talk to her phone. She can be alone with her phone.' It was bad." Are they in middle school? [Radar Online]
• Hulk Hogan's girlfriend Jennifer McDaniel has been wearing a giant diamond ring and sources say they're engaged. [N.Y. Daily News]
• Glee star Cory Monteith says he isn't dating his co-star Lea Michele. "We're great friends," he said. "We've become really close over the show, but we're just friends. We're not dating." [CNN]
• Gisele Bundchen continued flying planes in her eight month of pregnancy, but now she's put off the exam she need to become a helicopter pilot until next year. "She has stopped with her lessons. She stopped before Thanksgiving," says the president of Shoreline Aviation, where she's taking classes. "She's waiting to have the baby and then she's going to start up when things settle down again." [People]
• LeAnn Rimes got into another car accident. This time she backed into a security golf cart in a parking lot. [TMZ]
• Maya Rudolph gave birth tho her second child with director Paul Thomas Anderson on November 6. The baby's name is Lucille. [People]
• The feud between Al Roker and Speidi will never end! In a new interview, Roker said they "haven't done anything and still haven't done anything" to earn the fame they have. Then referring to Heidi saying she wants to be like Mother Theresa he said, "I don't know, maybe I'm wrong and I missed something but I don't think Mother Theresa posed nude in Playboy. I think she was known for good work, helping the poor, healing the sick, not showing her ta-tas off." [Popeater]
• Audrina Patridge put her own show on hold and signed on for the sixth season of The Hills. [Perez Hilton]
• MTV told Italian groups not to judge Jersey Shore until they saw last night's premiere... and now they're really mad. A rep from UNICO National said the organization "can't keep up with the volume of calls" from "outraged" Italian Americans adding, "I suffered through all 120 mins of that show and it was worse than I imagined." [TMZ]
• The Order of the Sons of Italy in America and the National Italian American Foundation have also condemned the show, for using "ethnic slurs, violence and poor behavior to marginalize and stereotype Italian-Americans." [UPI]
• Domino's has pulled their ads from Jersey Shore because "The content of this particular program is not right for Domino's Pizza." [TMZ]
• Twisted Sister guitarist Eddie Ojeda is recovering after emergency back surgery to repair a ruptured disc that forced him to miss a concert near Philadelphia. [AP]
• Pamela Anderson is recording a pop single called "High" — about "high" fashion, not drugs. Her friend Richie Rich says, "Pam says she wants to sing, but nothing too difficult, so she's just going to sing the word 'high' over and over." [Us]
• Kate Hudson said when she took her 5-year-old son Ryder to the set of Nine, "It was the first time I saw him in shock, recognizing what it is that I do. I really think it was the first time it hit him." [People]
• Simon Cowell he has one regret: doing a cameo in Scary Movie 3. He said: "I'll never forget going to that premiere and dying in my seat when the movie came on. I've never felt so embarrassed in my life. Lesson learned: Don't believe that you're good at other things. I might be okay as a judge, but I'm a lousy actor." [EW]
• "I was 211 pounds when I delivered my son, so I know what it is like to be obese and fat and miserable," says Jenny McCarthy. "I'm 5'6 so it was a tough thing to carry around; losing it is something I'm very proud of." [Fox News]

• Dina Lohan is pissed that Michael Lohan keeps leaking recordings of Dina and Lindsay's phone calls to him. "The tapes were from a long time ago, and for a father to stoop this low is unforgivable," she says. And:

"My ex-husband has been in and out of jail for 10 years. My children and I gave him a chance to get to know them again, and he clearly blew that chance!" And: "I have had a criminal order of protection from the domestic violence sector since 2005. He was not supposed to even be harassing me by phone." Lastly, if you're still listening: "My heart is breaking for my children that he could do this. He has no visitation anymore and is six months behind in child support. The authorities have been alerted!" [E!]

• Hey, guess what? Michael Lohan has released another recording of a phone conversation between himself and Dina Lohan. She blames him for Lindsay cutting herself, and says: "It's bad." And Dina believes that "something's gonna happen" and it'll be all Michael's fault. [Radar Online]
• Rosie O'Donnell and Megan Fox are afraid of Angelina Jolie. Kristen Stewart says she doesn't want to be like Angelina Jolie. This column asks, Is Hollywood turning on Angelina Jolie? Eh, do you think she gives a shit? [MSNBC Scoop]
• This daytime noir Donnie Darko-esque promo for James Franco on General Hospital is kind of fucking awesome. "Anyone can die at anytime!" [NY Magazine]
• Miss J says of his 7-year-old son: "He insists on wearing nice shoes. I think somehow my fashion genes must have slipped in there." [Us Magazine]
• Kate Hudson is "pushing" A-Rod to elope. Because that's what women do! [Gatecrasher]
• Rihanna spent more than $50,000 to fly her family to New York from Barbados for the Glamour Awards. [Page Six]
• You can watch Rihanna's speech from the Glamour Woman of the Year Awards at the link. A snippet: "Maya Angelou, I love you, but you make this terribly difficult for me." [YouTube]
• LOL headline of the day, via Russell Brand: "Katy Can't Do Your Show… She's Doing Me Instead." [The Sun]
• Kristen Stewart on those who ask whether she and Rob are an item: "The only way that I'm able to stay sane is to protect myself, and like, I know that it doesn't matter how you answer a question, it's going to tip. Someone's going to say, 'She's totally with him,' or, 'No, I don't think she is,' so it's sort of like, I don't care. You just have to seriously be like, have it, have it all. Take my, you know what I mean, just like, you want my shoes? Here you go, what size do you wear?" [ET]
• The 40-year-old women following Zac Efron around were just trying to get his picture for their daughters. No, really. [Page Six]
• Emma Thompson made some comments about her adopted Rwandan son had been subjected to racism at the University of Exeter, and now the Culture Secretary has said: "Miss Thompson is a great actress, but her comments about Exeter… are insulting… Any incidence of racism is one too many, but Exeter comes top or near top in every survey of places for friendliness and quality of life." [Telegraph]
• Sharon Stone was at a fancy Madison Avenue salon and used a private room; Queen Noor of Jordan was also there to get her hair done, but sat in the main area with the plebes. [Page Six]
• The David Letterman blackmail case is "all out war." [NY Post]
• Michael Jackson's funeral bills are in. Total cost: $855,730.31. [TMZ]
• Janet Jackson, called here "the only Jackson who was flush with cash," fronted $49,000 for Michael Jackson's funeral. She'll be reimbursed via his estate, which will also pay the remaining balance. [TMZ]
• Joe Jackson, who was trying to object to Michael Jackson's will and executors, has been shut down by a judge. [TMZ]
• An Andy Warhol portrait of Michael Jackson sold for $812,000 in an auction last night. [NY Post]
• "Winona Ryder and Barry Pepper have been cast to star in the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie When Love Is Not Enough: The Lois Wilson Story." It's the true story of the co-founder of Al-Anon and her alcoholic husband, who lived the high life in the 1920s but a downfall by the 50s. [Variety]
• Playgirl wanted to shoot Levi Johnston in the penthouse of a certain downtown hotel but didn't have enough cash to pay the fee. [Page Six]
• Dominique Swain, who once posed for PETA, has reportedly been "caught" dumping unvaccinated puppies at an animal shelter. [ONTD, Fox 411]
• Heather Locklear's return to Melrose Place is a desperate attempt to get people to care. Is it working on you? Then check out this clip from the show in which Heather — playing Amanda — says, "When I hired you to give this place a makeover, I didn't mean smear it with lipstick and turn it into a five-dollar hooker." [People]
• Celine Dion is adding a "pool complex" to her home in Jupiter Island, Florida — with "two giant pools, waterslides and a lazy river, much like an amusement park." One neighbor complains: "Distasteful is what it looks like - the whole thing sounds like a Michael Jackson fairyland to me." [MSNBC Scoop via Life & Style]
• Some dude is suing Bon Jovi, Time Warner and Major League Baseball for $400 billion, yeah, BILLION, dollars. He claims that he wrote an ode to the Boston Red Sox entitled, "(Man I Really) Love this Team." During the 2007 playoffs, Bon Jovi released a song, "I Love This Town," and the guy took the case to court. One judge dismissed it, but the guy is appealing. [Reuters]
• George Lopez's new late night talk show debuted with strong ratings. Did anyone watch? I found it only mildly funny, with too many race jokes. But I didn't watch the whole thing. [Reuters]
• Steven Tyler supposedly quit Aerosmith, but last night he showed up at an NYC club for Joe Perry's show, announced he wasn't leaving Aerosmith, and joined in on "Walk This Way." My friend Matt says: "If anyone can save the future of Aerosmith by settling the feud between Steven Tyler and Joe Perry, it's got to be Tyler Perry." [Roger Friedman's 411.com] 
• Shakira hugged and 11-year-old fan and it is news. [Page Six]
• Sir Ian McKellan mocked Jude Law at a charity event; Jude swore, "I go home religiously every night after Hamlet." Sir Ian joked, "I guess the night I saw you, you went home via [popular NYC nightclub] the Box." [La Dolce Musto]
• Julianne Hough and Chuck Wicks have broken up. [People]
• "A rare collection of Beatles autographs and photographs, given to a 14-year-old who traipsed across Salisbury plain in the rain to catch a glimpse of her heroes on the set of Help!, sold for £2,200 at auction in Berkshire yesterday." [Guardian]
• Rod Stewart, father of seven, is trying to have another baby with wife Penny Lancaster. Forever young? [People]
• Whatshername will be on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here but arrive late and earn five times more cash than other contestants. [The Sun]
• "I think there's a lot of persuasive and powerful people around Obama. For a president to make his own decisions, I think that's a rarity. Even someone who we think of as our guy — this is a guy with integrity, a guy who cares, for the first time in a long time — in the Oval Office, even with him we don't really know who's pulling the strings. I think of every president as being a marionette. Whether he's any different, I don't know. Certainly his military advisers all want him to prosecute this war to the end, just as they did in Vietnam with LBJ. It's just too depressing, I think we're going to have to hit the streets. Obama has the chance of becoming JFK or LBJ. I think JFK was one of our last great presidents, although I thought Carter was pretty great too. LBJ could have been a great president if he hadn't gotten bogged down in war, but that was quite a war to get bogged down in. Notwithstanding the fact that the war was wrong and they were talking about the Red Scare and the domino effect, if you go and read the Pentagon Papers they were also talking about rubber, tin and oil. They killed two and a half million people. What was it all for? In Korea they killed four and a half million. Like, we're liberating these people?" — Woody Harrelson plays a soldier in his intense new film The Messenger and, at the link, has lots of thoughts about war, death, the military and President Obama. [Salon]
• "They got in trouble because my children are riding their dirt bikes through the whole trailer park, going crazy, doing flips — and everyone's concerned for their safety. And mom's like, 'Oh, they've been riding the whole weekend, they're having a blast!' I was like, 'They're not allowed to ride their dirt bikes in the trailer park!' They terrorize the neighborhood the whole time." — Pamela Anderson's sons — 13 and 11 — are tiny terrors. [Contact Music]
• "I don't have to play scenes with actors standing on buckets." — Sigourney Weaver, 6 feet tall, says that she doesn't believe her height has ever intimidated leading men. [Telegraph]
• "I had a great time with Hef and the girls when they came to see Peepshow and hang out in Vegas.  I don't watch the other episodes though, because it kind of makes me mad. The girls need to focus on what makes them unique and not doing the same things Bridget, Kendra and I have already done on the show.  Even camping in the backyard was an idea I had for an episode that we never got around to shooting.  And guess what they just showed? The girls camping in the backyard.  I don't want to look behind, I want to look forward." — Holly Madison is annoyed by the new Girls Next Door. [Fox 411]
• "I don't know that [Oprah] and Gayle are necessarily doing each other, but I think they are the emotional equivalent of.. [a gay couple]. When they did that road trip, that's as gay as it gets, and I don't mean it to be an insult, either. I'm just saying, listen, if you ask me, that's the couple." — Rosie O'Donnell. [ONTD via Times Of The Internet]
• "These jeans are a few days old, but the top is probably fresh because it gets to the point where even I can't stand the air around me. I don't know, my personal hygiene - it's so disgusting! Really it's just that I have very few clothes that I like and I'm travelling all the time, so I can't really get any more." — we get it, Robert Pattinson, you're filthy. [MSNBC via New! magazine]
• "I love clothes, and fashion is a great art form. Being a woman and my femininity are very important to me. But with my work I have to check my preferences at the door and personify the character I am playing as best I can. Your character isn't who you are. That's the great thing about my job. I get to step into somebody else's shoes – whether that's a pair of flat brogues or some stilettos." — Hilary Swank. [Daily Mail]
• "I'd love to have kids… But I'm much to young to get married." — Shakira. [Gatecrasher]
• "The funny thing is that I was very open and honest about [my bisexuality] from the very beginning, and everyone was acting like it was some new trend. Go back four or five years, people, and you'll see the same answer. I've been very honest with him from the get-go. I think women are beautiful. I've had a lot of fun with women, and I'm not ashamed of it. The problem is that I also love a well-endowed man. But just because I enjoy women doesn't mean I'm allowed to have affairs in my relationship. I learned through talking with my therapist that it is still cheating even if it's with girls, so there is a rule there." — Fergie. [Us Magazine via The Advocate, Page Six]
• "Lady Gaga stole your act." — President Obama to Cyndi Lauper. [La Dolce Musto]

•  According to an independent group in Britain, the number of abortions performed on fetuses with Down syndrome has been greatly underrepresented. They claim that doctors, in attempts to protect their patients from further pain, have been classifying abortions performed on fetuses with Down as "social abortions." • Excerpts of Anne Frank's diary were censored out of a school textbook in Lebanon after Hezbollah's Al-Manar television channel ran a report claiming the book promotes Zionism. MP Hussein Hajj Hassan said, "These respected, established schools are teaching the so-called tragedy this girl lived, and yet they are ashamed to teach the tragedy of the Lebanese people, the tragedy of the Palestinian people... the tragedy of the people of the south under the hands of Zionist occupation." • A new study has found that there is a significant gender-based pay gap among US faculty. "Our findings show that women who wish to challenge pay gaps at their own institution need to systematically and quantitatively approach the situation, especially during a time of economic downturn," said the author of the study. •  David Swain has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for the murder of his wife in 1999. Swain was scuba diving in the Caribbean with his wife Shelley Tyre when something went wrong and Tyre was killed. Although local authorities found no evidence of wrongdoing, a British Virgin Islands judge has ruled differently. • Female cancer or multiple sclerosis patients are six times more likely than male patients to be separated or divorced soon after their diagnosis. Researchers said men may leave a sick spouse because they're more hesitant than women to commit to being a caretaker. • Six years ago, Stephen Weston heard about a woman who had been prosecuted for not wearing her seat belt correctly while pregnant. For many women, the cross-body belt is uncomfortable, so Weston decided to solve the problem by developing an alternative belt for expecting mothers. The shoulder harness seat belt will hit the market in 2010. • The New York Times reports on the rising number of female officers in the Iraqi police force. While women were long discouraged from higher positions, many have come to realize that there are certain benefits to having female officers. "Everyone says men are able to do everything, but that's not true," said Lieutenant Farah Hameed. "In investigations, especially with women, women use their compassion with victims to get them to answer questions clearly." •  A recent study shows that yo-yo dieting may be more like drug addiction than previously believed. Researchers put a group of rats on "diet-cycles," and they found that after going without food, the rats suffered anxiety, and the deprivation effected the same stress symptom that kicks in during drug withdrawal. • Women are getting involved in Mexican drug trafficking in greater numbers and many are being jailed or killed. More women are becoming addicts, turning to dealing as a better alternative to prostitution, or being forced to smuggle drugs through military checkpoints by male family members. •  Prosecutors have offered former astronaut Lisa Nowak a plea deal. Nowak is accused of stalking and assaulting Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman, who was dating Nowak's ex-boyfriend. •  Wanna be happy for the rest of your life? Move West, young woman. Apparently, people are happiest in the Mountain states and on the West Coast, due mainly to the high concentration of wealth, education, and tolerance. • While experts believe that postpartum depression is still severely under-reported, there are several new programs that offer support and aid to women suffering from PPD. UNC has a particularly good program, which features a small postpartum inpatient unit. • In the next 10 years women are expected to become the majority of unionized workers, according to a report from the Center for Economic and Policy Research. "When you have a majority of women in the labor movement, issues like work-family balance, paid sick days and paid parental leave become more important," said economist John Schmitt. • "Weight-watchers everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief. Contrary to their image as slim models of restraint, French women, it seems, really do get fat," begins this article, on rising obesity rates in France. It's a good thing Mireille Guilano has a new shtick. • Some are calling for the website celebrityaddressaerial.com to be shut down after it was revealed that the people who allegedly robbed Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Orlando Bloom, used the site to gather information on their targets. The site, which lists the addresses and aerial photos of hundreds of celebrity homes, contains information that could be found on sites like TMZ and Google Maps in a more easily searchable format. • A new fiction genre described as "Beatrix Potter meets the Kray Brothers" or "Pulp Fiction meets Wind in the Willows" involves animals, or even dinosaurs, in gritty detective stories. • In an interview with a British journalist who says she dreamed of being a Playboy Bunny as a child, Hugh Hefner says, "My younger brother and I were raised in a home in Chicago with no real affection; we knew we were loved, but there was no display of affection. I think that my quest for romantic love and the adventure of romantic love was filling the space that was left because I didn't get the affection when I was young." • In this security video a woman on a Boston subway platform who appears drunk falls onto the tracks. People wave at an oncoming train to stop, the driver breaks, and the car comes to a stop inches away from killing her. •

Anyone notice how the girls kind of yell when they talk to him? This new batch of girlfriends don't seem to have the kind of close relationship that Holly, Bridget and Kendra had with Hef. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that, sometimes, the antics of the twins borders on elder abuse.

Lucy Davies of the Telegraph interviewed Hef in advance of the publication of his autobiography, and her article focuses heavily on his early life in Chicago. She describes a number of Rockwellesque scenes: "we see him haunting newsstands, devouring comics; lying on his bedroom floor scratching out his own versions of Jekyll & Hyde for his friends" and "he is charming on the subject of his childhood, sprinkling the story with a confection of period detail: soda fountains and hayrides; ping-pong in the basement; girls named Candy and Betty who he tried to impress by jitterbugging in his 'red flannel shirts, yellow corduroy pants and saddle shoes.'" But all was not sweetness and light! Hefner says he grew up in "a very typical, conservative, puritan home… [where he] wasn't getting many hugs and kisses." And indeed, he frames his creation of the Playboy brand as a reaction to a culture that wasn't hugging him enough. Of his early moviegoing experiences, he tells Davies,

In that darkened theatre all things were possible: I escaped into wonderful dreams of adventure and romance. But the Hays Code [strict censorship guidelines governing moral standards in film introduced by Will Hays in 1930] destroyed all that. Eventually even the married couples on screen slept in twin beds. I was very connected to that kind of repression early on.

And when he was thinking of creating Playboy, he says,

I looked back on the roaring Twenties, with its jazz, Great Gatsby and the pre-Code films as a party I had somehow managed to miss. After World War Two, I expected something similar; a return to the period after the first war, but when the skirt lengths went down instead of up I knew we were in big trouble. It turned out to be a very conservative, serious period – socially, sexually and politically.

Hefner's not without a point here — a culture of sexual repression is bad for everyone involved. But it's telling that he chooses to figure this repression in terms of skirt lengths. Brooks Barnes of the New York Times notes Hefner's commitment to the pro-choice cause and the Equal Rights Amendment, and these shouldn't be discounted. But sexual freedom for Hefner is still largely the freedom of men to look at women, and this is a pretty narrow view both of human sexuality and of how to combat repression. I'm firmly in favor of the right of women to wear short skirts, but the fact that dudes can see our legs doesn't necessarily mean we're sexually fulfilled, and the existence of a soft-core men's porn mag doesn't really do much for women.

Davies's inclusion of Hefner's first editor's letter in Playboy drives this point home, as well as reminding us of how poorly, in some ways, Playboy has aged. The letter reads, "If you're a man between the ages of 18 and 80, Playboy is meant for you" — Hefner himself now falls outside his original target audience. The letter continues through some hilarious use of the second person — "We like our apartment" — to the famous and now self-parodic-sounding statement, "We enjoy mixing up cocktails and an hors d'oeuvre or two, putting a little mood music on the phonograph and inviting in a female acquaintance for a quiet discussion on Picasso, Nietzsche, jazz, sex." Davies calls this bohemian act "delightfully hammy," until you get to this: "If you're somebody's sister, wife or mother-in-law and picked us up by mistake, please pass us along to the man in your life and get back to your Ladies Home Companion." Ouch — a "female acquaintance" may be good for a discussion of "Picasso, Nietzsche, jazz, sex," but she better not pick up the publication that aims to teach men how to talk about these things. Instead, she should stick to her ladymags.

It's tempting to say, especially after reading Barnes's Times article (with its unbeatable title, "The Loin in Winter"), that Hefner's reign is over. Barnes writes that Playboy Enterprises "said earlier this year that it would consider acquisition offers, something that was believed to be unthinkable while Mr. Hefner was still alive." He also points out that Hefner's ex-girlfriends have embarrassed him by publicly calling him a "control freak" — and while some will always take a "yeah, bra!" attitude to the 83-year-old's "relationships" with ever-younger women, to many these dalliances are beginning to seem ridiculous. Barnes's funniest criticism is of the Playboy Mansion itself, whose game room apparently "smell[s] musty," and whose grotto is now "like a fetid zoo exhibit."

But while Hefner-bashing offers some schadenfreude-y fun, the man did popularize a cultural attitude with disturbing staying power: the idea that a woman's sexual availability is the same as sexual liberation. Again, Hefner deserves praise for his support of actual feminist causes. But when he describes his magazine as a response to "repression," he conflates male desire with social freedom, a conflation that's now so totally ingrained that Ariel Levy wrote a book about it, and women everywhere live with it every day. I'm not against porn directed at men, as long as the women involved consent. But I am against pretending that making such porn and distributing it to a wide audience — as Barnes writes, Hefner "essentially did for sex what Ray Kroc did for roadside food: clean it up for a rising middle class" — is somehow empowering for everybody, and that pretense is Hefner's biggest "legacy." Hefner tells Barnes, "We just literally live in a very different world and I played a part in making it that way. Young people have no idea about that." Unfortunately, I do.

Hugh Hefner: Interview On Playboy [Telegraph]
The Loin In Winter: Hefner Reflects, And Grins [NYT]

You'd think she'd be used to this shit by now, considering that she broke up with Hef in 1976, and has remained close to him since. Still, she seems to understand him and says that she's happy that he's happy.

Hef's other girlfriend is 22-year-old Crystal, who helps her 83-year-old boyfriend with his Twitter page. She insists that she's not a gold digger and she has a "regular" job (making $10 an hour working on Hef's scrapbooks).


The only thing grosser than the thought of teenagers sleeping with an octogenarian is Carrot Top.


Look at how bummed out the girls look when they have to take a break from their Vegas fun to call the old man.